Monday, December 22, 2003

Hey, Leaguers! The Holiday Contest has drawn to a close! I am unable to choose a winner as, frankly, there are too many great entries this year, and I think I shoudl have narrowed the contest down a bit. Well, live and learn we do, here at League of Melbotis HQ.

I have to say that those who write in to the League are a persuasive lot, and each holds a special flicker of the Christmas Spirit within them. I wish each and every Leaguer a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.

Instead of selecting a winner, I shall figure something out for every entrant to the contest. So, folks, just be aware of how busy The League has been, and how short of cash now that all of the extended family has received a Hickory Farms cheese log basket.

So, God and finances willing, a token of The League's appreciation will arrive after the Holidays.

In the meantime, I have compiled the answers and selections sent in by Loyal Leaguers. I invite you to read them each and all, and to appreciate the effort and POV of each and every person as they come to Christmas.



MOST BIZARRE HOLIDAY MEDIA

Nathan Cone:

The Six Million Dollar Man ¡V Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures ¡V Peter Pan Records

Remember Peter Pan records? It was like the Mercury Theater of the Air for the 1970s kids. Okay, maybe not. But they put out a lot of radio theater-type albums, and this one takes the cake for me. I found my copy at a Best Buy fire sale 10 years ago. Follow Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man (played by an incredibly wooden "actor") in the following Christmas adventures: "The Kris Kringle Caper," "Elves' Revolt," "The Toymaker," and "Christmas Lights."
Here's an exciting scene from "The Kris Kringle Caper," as Steve disguises himself as a department store Santa:
Girl: "Hey, don't I know you?"
Six Mil: "Of course, everyone knows me, I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "There's no such person as Santa Claus."
Six Mil: "Then, who am I?"
Girl: "I think you're the man who was here the other day, the one who tried to get my present back for me."
Six Mil: "I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "I told you, there's no such person."
Six Mil: "Then what are you doing on my lap?"

Laura Maxwell:

A. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
1978. Television. With Several Wookies, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Airplane.
This show made me question the sanctity of my own reality.



B. MISTLETOE JAM
1995. Luther Vandross, song from the album, This is Christmas.
This should perhaps go under the category of most unfortunately named holiday media. The song starts off with the following dialogue:
"Girl come on over here and get under this MISTLETOE with me!"
"I'm not getting under that mistletoe with you any more!"
"Why not?"
"Cause you don't know how to act when you get under there."
"What are you talking about?"
"YOU know what I'm talking about."
"What?"
"The last time I got under that thing with you¡K"
"What happened?"
"The last time I got under there with you?... I had twins!"
"Oooh. Tell it all."
It also contains the verse:
Glad you got big feet,
Cause they're so good for dancing
Glad you got big legs
Cause they're so good when we're romancing
You still got the flavor
And I'm hungry for your love
So I'm gonna play this one jam
That will make you want to kiss somebody
And the oft repeated rousing chorus:
This is the mistletoe jam
I like to party all night
And dance to the mistletoe jam
Mistletoe Jam!
Everybody kiss somebody


Worst of all, I don't think this is meant to be a joke.

C. CHRISTMAS WITH ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
1962. Album.
This is the sort of novelty album that probably should have gone the way of the Christmas meowing or barking albums or that singing fish, but didn't. They are singing rodents, but their harmonies are tight and Christmas Don't Be Late remains a holiday favorite. For children everywhere that have sped up their own voices with technology and laughed.

Dedman:

1. "Christmas with the Devil" by Spinal Tap. The sugar plums are rancid and the stockings are in flames. Appearing on Tap's 1992 comeback record, Break Like the Wind, this track was brought to you by Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer, the auteurs of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and A Mighty Wind. Their reappearance was not well-received, and they even picked a fight with Metallica for plagiarizing the cover of their own "none more black" black album. Tap, of course, is by far the most amusing of the McKean/Guest/Shearer oeuvre, and their take on Christmas is bizarre indeed.

2. Rankin/Bass Christmas television specials. You remember these dreadful creations if you were remotely sentient during the seventies or eighties, when they were rerun ceaselessly during the holidays. (I was surprised to discover how old these are, actually, as the first of the series, Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, was released in 1964.). The primitively odd pseudo-claymation-animation and the overdone soundtrack effects make these television specials simply creepy and bizarre. Burl Ives croons away as Sam the Snowman while a yeti/sasquatch finds redemption? Yikes. Here are a few links, courtesty of IMDB, to jog your memory:

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

Of course, I note with interest that The League of Melbotis chose an image from one of these specials to accompany its introduction of the contest. That is most frighteningly unfortunate.

Anne Francis:

Radio City Christmas Spectacular - probably the most garish, expensive, unnecessary ode to Christmas. 2 hours of military precision dancing by a line of shapely women, massively dorky singers warbling about the joys of shopping and toys and even a scene where Mrs. Claus grabs Santa's butt (I kid you not!) only to end with a 20 minute sanctimonious "Living Nativity" scene - complete with live camels - that flogs the audience that Christmas is not about gifts and Santa (despite the fact that the previous 1 hour and 40 minutes had you believing otherwise) and absolutely castigating any goodwill you may have had towards the religious origins of the holiday. I hate this show.

RUNNER-UP
Not sure why, but I've always found the "Do they Know It's Christmas" to be somewhat bizarre. I mean, they are singing about Africa and asking "Do they know it's Christmas?" Well....if they're not Christian - PROBABLY NOT. Never knew Bob Geldolf had a missionary streak in him....
http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70312171613340497&sql=B2ltqoa8ayijn


Essential Media:

Molly Brensen:

1) David Sedaris "Santaland Diaries" NPR Morning Edition (originally about 1993 but they tend to replay it--that's the best I can do)
You can't do comedy justice by describing it. That said, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the background of grinches, and who needs a happy ending? Who expects one anyway when your job is playing Crumpet the Elf at Macy's for the Christmas season? Sedaris takes the piss out of deranged parents who make screaming children smile for the camera or ask Santa to stop animal testing, kids who want their dead dad back and a complete set of ninja turtles, "Santa Santa" who thinks he really is Santa, and Snowball the elf who leads all the other elves and Santas on. Of course, the main reason it's essential is because nowhere else will you hear what Away in a Manger would sound like sung by Billie Holiday.
I think I was supposed to say something about how this affected me personally. A year or two ago this came on the radio when I was driving with my kid sister who was just old enough not to believe in Santa anymore but smart enough not to tell our folks. So we listened to this and laughed ourselves silly (nearly causing a wreck) and shared our little secret that she was "in" on the grow-up stuff. Then we drove the rest of the way home singing Christmas songs in silly voices and different styles.

Nathan Cone:

"It's A Wonderful Life" ¡V 1946 ¡V directed by Frank Capra

Is there any film more ¡§wonderful¡¨ than ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life?¡¨ It may seem hard to believe, but Frank Capra¡¦s 1946 classic wasn¡¦t really a success when it opened. Now over fifty years later, ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ is one of the defining moments of American cinema, and is a perennial holiday favorite. But to call ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ a ¡§Christmas movie¡¨ isn¡¦t really doing it justice. Yes, much of it is set around Christmastime, but this is a film that can be viewed at any time of the year.

Jimmy Stewart stars as George Bailey, a role that he credited as his favorite until the day he died. Donna Reed is radiant as Mary Hatch, George¡¦s childhood sweetheart. George has dreams. He wants to travel the world become a famous architect, and have a life full of adventure. Instead, he¡¦s living in Bedford Falls, the same small town he grew up in, where he works at his family¡¦s building and loan business. After a life of sacrifice, a crisis that could leave him penniless and in jail drives George to the breaking point, and he contemplates suicide. Instead, his guardian angel Clarence, AS-2 (angel, second class), appears. George remarks that maybe the world would have been better off if he had never been born, and so Clarence shows him just what would have been, had that happened.

What Clarence shows George (and us) is just how precious our lives really are, and how interconnected we are to the rest of the world. Every deed we do does not go unnoticed; on the contrary, everything we do affects the people we know, and so on, and so on. It¡¦s a message that is as prescient at Christmastime as it is throughout the year.

Not to be overlooked in ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ are the terrific romantic and comedic moments, such as George and Mary¡¦s dance into an open swimming pool, or the honeymoon they share in a rickety old house that will one day become a home.

Yet the heart of It's A Wonderful Life remains its hero, George Bailey. The term "everyman" could have been coined from this role it's hard to find someone who hasn't felt the same as George at one time or another. Plus, Jimmy Stewart is just so doggone likeable, and plays the part with such emotion, that you can't help but feel yourself slipping into his shoes.

The coming Christmas season will undoubtedly bring repeated showings of "It's A Wonderful Life" on television as it does every year. You see, the film itself lapsed into the public domain in the 1970s, meaning that until its copyright was renewed in the 1990s, anyone who could get their hands on a print could make copies and sell them at a minimal cost. It also meant that television stations could show the film without paying any royalties. So, in a twist of fate, the film¡¦s public domain status brought it to a wider audience and made it more popular than ever before. This year, whether you¡¦ve never seen it, or even if you've seen it fifty times over, you owe it to yourself to take a trip to Bedford Falls, to discover again just how "wonderful" life really is.

"A Christmas Story" 1983 directed by Bob Clark

Like "It's A Wonderful Life," this movie flopped upon its initial release (do I see a pattern here?). But time has proven that "A Christmas Story" gets it right about what it's like to be a kid in the weeks leading up to that glorious morning of presents, presents, presents, and bleary-eyed parents. Who would have believed that the director of a movie as sophomoric and, some might say, misogynistic, as "Porky's" could craft something so warm-hearted? I still don't believe it. I think the real star of the movie is the late writer Jean Shepherd, whose writing and narration breathlessly whisks us through the story. It's a near-perfect mix of satire, and fond memories of life as a kid. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vince Guaraldi Trio ¡V "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

It's a classic now, but the network didn't like it at first. Jazz music? For a kids' program? But the "Peanuts" characters are less like kids and more like smaller adults, and that's just one of the reasons why this music fits so perfectly with the celebrated special. Can you look at folks on an ice rink and not think of the "skating" music? Do you bob your head back and forth like that weird dancing kid when you hear "Linus and Lucy?" Have you ever heard a more swingin' version of "O Tannenbaum" than the one crafted herein?


Maxwell

A. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
1965. Television.
Because Charlie Brown is depressed over the commercialism of Christmas. Because apparently pink aluminum trees were hot that year. Because a jazz band followed that group of kids around wherever they went. Because they used real kids voices for the characters. Because Linus is the wisest kid to ever carry a security blanket. Because gee wiz those kids can dance.

B. A CHRISTMAS STORY
1983. Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin
You know the tale. All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red-Ryder BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The film captures the imperfect perfection of most American households at Christmas and almost every line is quotable. Or at least my American household. If I had grown up in the '40's. Some of my favorites include,
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
"I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!"
"It was...It was...soap poisoning."
"Drink your ovaltine."
"I double dog dare ya."
"It's a major award."

C. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
1946. Frank Capra, James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore...
Admit it. You are a grown man. And it makes you cry.

(editor's note: Yes. I do. Every year. 8 years and Jamie still hasn't noticed that I'm sobbing like a baby over there on the other end of the couch.)


Dedman


1. "Merry Christmas from the Family" - Robert Earl Keen.
Mind you, I refer not to the uninspired studio version on Gringo Honeymoon but the energetic, impossible-not-to-enjoy live rendition on No 2 Live Dinner. By no means is Keen a master lyricist, and he's certainly not the best singer, but the live version of this song offers listeners an amusing piece of Texana which is tied to the holidays. In fact, the entire album is characterized by an energy and enthusiasm that simply does not appear in his studio recordings. Check it out.

2. The Ref, (1994).
Released in March of 1994, the film's promotional tagline was "The ultimate Christmas movie is coming this spring." Denis Leary, a bank robber, finds himself chaperoning his two hostages, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis. The rivalry and repartee between Spacey and Davis, who play a disfunctional married couple, reads like an existential Edward Albee yuletide comedy. This was Spacey, just a year shy from his greatest year, 1995, when he released three superb films, all of which had twist endings. (Those were, of course, Seven, The Usual Suspects, and Swimming with Sharks.). Alas, he went on to perpetrate K-PAX. Whatever the case, this is not your typical Christmas flick, but it is far more amusing that most of the cinematic detritus which passes for comedy these days.

3. General George Washington, Christmas 1776.
It was on Christmas night that Washington crossed the Delaware River. Its effect on history cannot be overstated. Pigeonholing this historical event into the "Most Essential Holiday Media" category is difficult, but I suspect, if challenged, I can develop some lawyerly argument to justify its inclusion.

(editor's note: while this isn't media in it's strictest sense, we're letting Jim's answer slide. Because here at the League, our patriotic hearts swell with pride at the thought of Washington going to kick a limey in the teeth on Christmas eve).


as a child I had a dream that I was in the boat with George. Funny what comes back to you.

Anne Francis

Charlie Brown Christmas- soundtrack only. Much better than the movie itself, as you don't get Linus' religious speech at the end.

(editor's note: While The League remains a secular institution, we kind of like Linus maintaing that the meaning of Christmas is not to be found in an aluminum tree.)

Mary Crawford

I nominate The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris in the Essential category.

When I mentioned to an esteemed colleague that I intended to nominate The Santaland Diaries in the Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!, his response was, F**k yeah I take this as evidence that I could have put my nomination in the Celebrated category as well, but my nomination stands in Essential.

Do a Google search for sardonic, merrily subversive tale. Need I say more?


more in another posting --->

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