Friday, August 15, 2003

To take you into the weekend, I submit this site which details many, many truths I wish had been bestowed upon me upon entering Film School.

Film School was the best and most fun way i could have spent my parents' money for four years. For whatever reason, those silly people had faith in me not to wind up in a button down job. Unfortunately, I was 22 before I realized self-confidence and a knowledge of film may actually keep you from working in Hollywood. Anyway, it's a freaking ridiculous industry. If you don't believe me, tell me why the Olsen Twins are billionaires and Vin Diesel is marketable and why American Splendor plays nowhere and "Grind" is playing everywhere in Phoenix.

Anyhow, that's it for me, America. Have a good weekend and keep your hands to yourself.

And because I've been a might busy and may have left you kids hanging, Just remember: Knowing is Half the Battle.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Just figured a way out of paying for a retirement home...

Superman Seat Covers

THe Superman Homepage recently announced that Superman Seat Covers were being made available in the US through the Superman Collector's Store. THe Seat covers are a little pricey, and I wanted to get a feel for whether or not my lovely wife Jamie would ever get in my car again if I got the seat covers. I think the answer was "no."

Now you have to understand that Jamie has no problem with the Superman thing and let's me pretty much do as I please. But there's something about the seat covers which may finally push her over the edge. I can usually tell when I am getting close to the edge as she will ask me in a very calm voice "Do you think YOU are SUperman?" I know she's being cute, but it's also a pretty good warning sign that she's reaching the end of her rope. It's also not as awkward as when I had to tell my brother I didn't think Superman was a real person.

Nonetheless, I am working on a compromise regarding the Seat covers. We'll figure soemthing out. Up, Up and Away.
Foot is feeling much better, but still pretty sore. My beautiful wife Jamie went and bought me Cherry Extract tablets last night. Cherry Extract, and cherries themselves, are supposed to alieviate joint pain. Normally I think herbal remedies fall into the realm of placebo and hokum, but once you're in pain, all that doubt and logic goes out the window. "Bring me the St. John's Wort!"

It's not that I don't believe Mother Earth provides natural remedies, because natural rememdies are quite common pretty much anywhere but in the US. But I have a hard time taking the "alternative medicine" rack at the Walgreens terribly seriously. Once you've minced, dried and powdered cherries, then placed them in a digestible pill, I'm fairly certain any medicinal value said cherries once held is long gone. My point is, we know that when you french fry potatos, you've boiled out all nutrition in them. Why do we think disintegrating cherries is going to help us?

But I'm taking the pills anyway, because yesterday my foot hurt like a son of a bitch, and today, it hurts less. It may be that there's a natural curve to the gout thingy, and when it flares up, or it could be the cherries helping out. We'll see. I feel like a chump for taking this hoo-hah, but I'll take whatever black magic I need to in order to remain ambulatory.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Due to the screaming footpain described yesterday, I was given Hydrocodone so I could "sleep". More like "so I could not wake up." Man, this morning was goofy. It was like the Sandman was sitting on my back (I sleep face down) and trying to convince me it was Saturday.

Drug abuse is a weird thing, and I have difficulty understanding why the kids would want to get goofy on something that would pretty much just make you punchy and make it so hard to get up in the AM. I must be missing something. I always miss out on the fun stuff.

Your Uncle Ry sez: Kids, stay in school and don't do the drugs.

My pals from Austin have decided to not proceed with their wedding about a month and half before their scheduled nuptiuals (sp?). Yikes. I feel awful.

I know they are trying to make the best decision for them, but it's still terribly depressing. What's also depressing is that I have tickets to be in town for the wedding. Because part of me is a glass-half-full kind of guy, I hope they work it out and actually DO get married, in which case, changing my travel plans will have been a tremendous mistake. Part of me is definitely glass-half-empty and thinks that maybe I can still use these tickets to get to Houston for Christmas. Part of me wants to just go to Austin and hang out for four days and enjoy early Fall in Central Texas. At any rate, I wish those two kids the absolute best, no matter what decision they make.

Things like this make Melbotis sad.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

I've been having foot problems since I moved out here. Actually, I remember the first outbreak by date (9.11.02) as I sat in the ER watching Bush on TV as he landed at Ground Zero in New York. Anyhoo, it's come back several times since. It's always something that just pops up first thing in the morning when I jump out of bed, and there's no common thread to any particular activity.

I assumed these were TaeKwonDo injuries from my days of doling out boots to the head. I suffered from what was probably the same symptom when I was in TaeKwonDo, but like a good little TaeKwonDo trooper, I went to class anyway and sucked it up. A little adrenalin usually helped me get through doing exercises I knew probably weren't very good for me.

Symptoms cropped up again yesterday morning and were so bad by this morning when I woke, I sought out a doctor. BTW, the CIGNA Healtchare website is extremely useless. Thanks, CIGNA. Could not even find my randomly assigned PCP in the phonebook, let alone on their site. But I wanted to see a doctor as last night I garnered some new information about the hurty toe. See, about a month ago my brother came down with a similar ailment, and because he does not fear and loathe doctors, he actually sought medical help.

Turns out we share a common genetic problem. We're both prone to The Gout. Apparently little crystals of uric acid build up in your blood stream and make your foot hurt like a mother. According to this description, it also probably wouldn't occur if I weren't a fatty.

Sigh. At any rate, the painkiller I was given to keep me from gnawing off my own toe knocked my butt out for most of today. I was calmly eating an early lunch so I could take my pills, and suddenly I was woken by a 1:30 phone call from my lovely wife. Ay carumba.

Stupid gout, I hate you. You make my toe hurt and remind me of my unhealthy lifestyle.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Toys That Should Not Be

I can't believe I missed this before, but here is the George W. Bush Operation Iraqi Freedom adventure doll. The look of vague yet steely determination is captured in his painted on eyeballs, the flightsuit tailored to suggest an aura of more than a showboating passenger and we guarantee upon seeing this doll your child will declare an end to all major combat activities... Unlike the Al Gore Candidate Doll, this figure has moveable joints, and is made of petroleum bi-product plastic rather than solid, unmoveable oak. Warning: If Pretzels or Segway accessory are placed near Bush doll, doll may tip over.

The line of dolls should include a Rummy Doll with life like Tech-vest, and Ari Fleischer Doll with podium and repetitive soundtrack. I will be sure to add the Condi Rice doll to my collection, as well as the Powell "UN Adventure" action set. Unfortunately the Cheney doll with "lifelike grimace" and "hidden bunker fortress" is being held for security reasons. I do look forward to the Cheney "Secret Energy Policy" playset, with sealable minutes!

Coming soon, the "Where the f**k is he?" Saddam playset with Saddam, 6 disguises and an American soldier with irritiated, sweating action.

Can we look forward to a Maureen Dowd doll? A George F. Will doll with real bowtie action?

Eschewing obvious jokes about anatomical correctness, one wonders what the Clinton/ Lewinski playset would look like, and what accessories it might contain...

Still, I think the "Tickle Me" Jenna doll is going to prove to be most popular of the line.
BTW, The Amazing Randy asked why I left Alan Moore's Watchmen off of my list from Friday. Pure oversight, I assure you. I actually have a copy of the first issue framed and hanging on the wall of my office. The posted list was part of the body of a letter I sent Jim D. the other day, and Jim had already read Watchmen.

I would recommend this comic to anyone but my dear, sweet mother, for whom the reading of Watchmen would be a singularly bewildering experience.
How do, Leagueadeers?

This weekend was pretty dull, although yesterday Chandler, Arizona managed to be the hottest spot in the country. I, of course, managed to be out doing yard work. After the temp passes 108 F, it's all pretty much just really, really hot. 117 or 109... it doesn't really matter.

It's time for me to enroll for my benefits package again, and I always wonder if I have enough life insurance. I don't want too much, so that it's worth more to Jamie to have me dead than alive, but I also don't want her to be bankrupt if I accidentally OD on Diet Pepsi or Coffeemate. At any rate, I asked her what she would do if I upped and died. "I'd probably move to San Francisco or Austin," she said. "What would you do?"

"I'd move to Austin."

And then it dawned on me... no, not that in order for me to get back to Austin, Jamie might have to have a little "accident". No, it dawned on me that for some reason, if we're both alive, we somehow think it's a good idea to be in a smelly desert. Alone, the idea is intolerable. Well, I think that says a lot for how much we can put up with when together, but it also made me realize that ain't neither one of us is particularly excited about being in the smelly desert. I'm not sure it should take one of us keeling over to return to the Lone Star State.

So, you know, if you know of any jobs in A-Town, let your glorious leader in on it.

We took Mel to meet Tanner the Wonder Dog on Saturday. Mel isn't very socialized around other dogs, and Tanner is a great dog, if not a bit of a spaz. Tanner is a 1 year old Golden who belongs to Jamie's cube neighbor, Ryan N. Anyhoo, I was very proud of Mel as he never ate Tanner and was on his best behavior while visiting Tricia and Ryan's house. He did, however, steal all of Tanner's toys and claim them as his own. It was embarassing, but I'm not sure Mel understands issues of property.

What Mel DOES understand is bathtime. He's not even really anti-bathtime. When he sees me pull out the towels and point at the tub, he will climb right in. This is much favorable to the afternoon I once spent chasing Mel around the front yard with hose in hand.

One night, just before I moved here, Mel must have decided he was really dirty, because at 3:00am he climbed into the bathtub and started whining. So next you know I was sudding up the dog and pushing sleep out of my eyes. It didn't really seem that odd until I related the story later. Jamie was out of town when it occured, so I have nobody to verify the story, but it did happen. I have had bath guilt ever since and try to be better about the frequency of Mel's baths.