Monday, July 19, 2004

2004 Mellies, Day Numero Dos
 
Today we see two categories as I try to get through this nightmare of my own making!

Most loathsome television program

Jim
 
The Jury - This is just one of those shows which illustrates that the writers and producers have only a little working knowledge of the law and its procedure. I suppose that they pitched the show as a "Twelve Angry Men" for cynical, modern times, but it comes off merely as a third rate legal drama in which jurors are depicted as either misunderstanding key facts and evidence or refusing to follow jury instructions.  I had originally set my Tivo record this program as a Season Pass, but upon watching the first episode, I was so disappointed that I cancelled the pass so as to avoid all future showings.
 
(editor's note:  Sorry, Jamie...)  Wonderfalls - Despite the protestations of viewers, the cancellation of this acclaimed and praised (and mostly unwatched) television program was warranted. The program tried valiantly (too valiantly, in fact) to be hip and clever and postmodern and wry and ironic, and thus, its humor and narratives seemed forced. Oh, how I grimaced when the writers had their main character use the recently coined word "frenemy," a combination of "friend" and "enemy," just to showcase their hipness and familiarity with Internet lingo. Ugh

Jamie
 
The Simple Life.  Because Paris and Nicole will never realize what dumb dipshits they really are.
 
Jilly

The Swan--televised trainwreck

Randy
 
No answer 
 
Maxwell 
 
The Swan--I admit I watched this a couple of times for the sheer train wreck morbid fascination, and for this I will be judged in heaven
 
Scaljon
 
Again with the Kutcher. Punk'd is stupid and juvenile

Harms
 
Fox News - if I must be specific I think it's Hannity and Colmes 

Valdez
 
No Answer
 
Nord 

a. Survivor   b. American Idol
 
The League Chimes In:
 
Goodness.  You know, of the shows I watched this year, I'm tempted to say anything starring Wolf Blitzer is pretty lame... but is it loathsome?  Not really. 
 
This one is a tough call, and since I haven't actually seen The Swan, I have to believe it's strong showing here indicates the loathsome nature of this show.  And I thionk going into why here is a bit redundant.
 
The show I did see an episode or two of, which outstripped the embarassment of Jessica Simpson or the grotesque behavior of The Simple Life, was MTV I Want a Famous Face.
 
The show seems like some bizarre sequence from Robocop or The Running Man.  There's no other term for this show than "fucked-up."  The show follows really fucked-up people who worship A and B list celebrities, and, unable to stalk them on their Piggly Wiggly hourly wage, decide they will contract MTV to get them plastic surgery and a make-over so that they may look like bizarro versions of their favorite celebrities.  This isn't to mention that these people don't want to look like, say...  George F. Will, or Cokie Roberts.  These people want to look like fucked-up celebrities like Mariah Carey or Nelson or something.  But they don't.  They end up looking gross and weird, and MTV sort of fawns all over them like this is something really rational to do, and not something really fucked-up to do. 
 
I mean, this is the equivalent of you or I deciding we REALLY like Doc from Love Boat, so we're going to go get tube socks, stethoscope and a white sailor suit. 
 
Anyway, virtually all of MTV's programming is seriously jacked, but this show is seriously fucked-up.
 
But, maybe less fucked up than giving people a total body make-over and THEN making them compete in a beauty contest.
 

Most loathsome movie (theatrical release)
 
Jim

Van Helsing - Said I during my initial review of this movie: "Words fail me when I attempt to describe the utter awfulness of Van Helsing. Adjectives like 'abominable,' 'regrettable,' 'ridiculous,' and 'asinine' seem appropriate, but even they cannot convey the magnitude of the film's idiocy. I could attempt to cobble together a word or phrase ('deus ex machina-ridden' perhaps?) to achieve my great level of disdain for this cinematic detrititus, but even that would not accomplish the task."I can think of no other film released this year that was as awful.
 
However, for good measure, I'll include this as my second nomination: Dogville, a film about America by a pretentious Danish director who has never visited America. Lars von Trier has his moments (Breaking the Waves) but his downward spiral into fashionable pretension resulted in Dogville, which even The New Yorker called "unwatchable." I did not see it.

Jamie
 
Garfield. Because Garfield ceased being funny circa 1991.

Jilly
 
haven't seen enough to answer

Randy
 
No answer

Maxwell
 
Troy-within the first five minutes Brad Pitt smells the fart. It looks like Wolfgang Peterson took a joke take for each of Orlando Bloom's scenes, a "Don't worry, we'll never use this" take, and used all of them. There is one hot sex scene with a knife, but even Brad Pitt's naked ass cannot save this film.  
 
Scaljon

hmm. I haven't seen anything in a while that was truly awful. I'm guessing Farenheit 9/11 for the obvious reasons
 
Harms

The Passion of the Christ for undermining the hopeful message of Christianity and turning it into a death cult on the par of Q'tub's death cult.
 
Valdez
 
The Matrix Revolutions. The original was fantastically entertaining. Reloaded raised enough questions to keep me interested. The finale was endlessly disappointing.

Nord
 
a. Lost in Translation   b. The Passion of the Christ
 
The League Chimes in:
 
Looks like The League has turned on Gibson's exploration of Christ's final days.  I never saw this flick, so I don't really have much to say about it.  I mean, I loved the book, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to spoil it with a movie.
 
You know what movie really pissed me off? 
 
Disney's Home on the Range.  This movie wasn't funny.  It wasn't clever.  It was some nice, clean animation, but the humor was derivitive of every Disney movie since Aladdin. 
 
And, if nothing else, it's the last 2D movie from Disney for the foreseeable future.  Blah.  Just thinking about it irritates me too much to go on again.
 
 
 

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