League of Melbotis

2006 MELLIES: THE THIRD QUESTION

Here we are in Day 3 of the results. Hope all is going well with you.

We're moving on down the list here in Day 3 with our third question. This question may not have been my best choice as I don't keep up too well with the popular music. Ah, well, it's too late. Gotta run with it.

Oh, beware some PG-13 to R Level profanity in the post below. It's all in good fun.

So, on to Question #3:

Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song

Eric Nordtrom: Anything from anyone who ever appeared on, or won, American Idol.

Tamara: (editor's note: No response, so we'll say, hmmm... instead of something she doesn't like, we'll make up something about TST being a huge Justin Timberlake fan.)

Natalie: Again, soooo many, but if I hear the song "Laffy Taffy" one more time, I'm going to vomit. (editor's note: I have not heard this song. I must iTunes it.)

Jim D.: Without question, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas (who also win this category for most poorly thought-out band and album as well as song). Now, I'm not expecting lyrical genius from the group that brought us "Let's Get Retarded," but surely performers who have, presumably, sought fame their whole lives would prefer not to release something that is ridiculously stupid. Suppose a record company gives you several million dollars to create a record which will receive some amount of attention because of preexisting fame. If you, the performer, know that your record will appear in stores throughout the land, prompt your video will be played endlessly/ceaselessly on MTV, and lavish upon you even more fame in riches, wouldn't you want it to be good? Or at least, not laughable? Is perfectionism dead? Do you really just need to concern yourself with image once you have a record deal?

Ryan V. X&Y by Coldplay. They showed potential with Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head. But after all the hype, they failed to deliver. Unlike U2 (the band they most want to be), they lack substance. Their songs are lyrically stupid but aurally intoxicating.

Peabo: Ashley Simpson/any album by Ashley Simpson/any song by Ashley Simpson. She is the untalented unattractive version of her sister. But apparently they share the same lofty intellect.

Denise: Tommyland The Ride by Tommy Lee. Terrible idea to make an album with this guy. His only talent is that he was born with a huge unit.

RHPT: Kevin Federline's upcoming album. 'nuff said.

Nathan: I'm not up on current bands to answer this one thoughtfully.

Social Bobcat:

band: Creed - blah, mushy rock music akin to a bowl of holy banana pudding
song: "My Humps" - the displeasing imagery? the droning repetitiveness of the rhymes?

Maxwell: R. Kelly's Trapped in A Closet*.

*This might actually be the most well thought out song of the year.

Harms: Thanks to owning an iPod I'm blessedly insulated from most things. I have heard a few samples on the iTunes Music store which sounded pretty bad. I think that there should be a ban on those whiny half sung angst-teens though.

I think that Blink 182 did it best and that's enough so fall-out b-...

Oh wait, it really hit me.

I hate Maroon 5. Cloyingly unoriginal lines like "I wanna make you feel beautiful" lacked poetry, substance, cleverness, it's so uninspired and...

Oh wait, now it really hit me.

"Look at this Photograph..."

That band, the guy who should cut his hair (sorry my wavy-haired brother, long hair is not our fate) - God how I loathe them. Their lyrics were:

"how did our eyes get so red (ho ho pot reference) / what the hell is that thing on Joey's head"

Oh my God, it doesn't take me back to a pleasant nostalgia ( as compared to Brian Adams' "Summer of '69") it makes me groan under the lumbering rhyme scheme. Gagggh.

(editor's note: This is "Nickelback". I'll get to them later.)

Oh wait, R. Kelley's "Trapped in the Closet" man that was bad. Although based on the record sales, he's laughing all the way to the bank.

Steanso: R. Kelly/ Trapped in the Closet. Or maybe Crack/John Cougar Menstrual Cramp/True Love Part I

CrackBass: Well, it has to be Goblin Cock. Sorry. I know this violates all the rules, but it is just wrong to see it on an endcap in my local cd store. I also love it

Reed-o: Just like film, there's so many each year. I guess I'll go with

Beverly Hills by Weezer

OR

Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne

Those songs annoy me. Mostly because you expect this bubblegum crap in pop, but it's now infiltrating alternative bands (if you can call bands like that alternative anymore).

Jamie: "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas. 'Poorly thought-out' is definitely a personal opinion due to the success of this song. But take a peak at the lyrics minus the accompaniment and see if you laugh as much as I did:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/blackeyedpeas/myhumps.html

The League: Christ. Really. As much as I want to make fun of other bands, "My Humps" is just... When I was 22 I was working at Camelot records. One glorious morning, shortly after opening, a girl no older than twelve came into the store, wandered over to the Hip-Hop section, returned to counter and loudly asked "Ya'll got any booty music?" I was perplexed.
"Booty music?"
She, of course, rolled her eyes at the old, unhip geezer behind the counter, placed her hands on her hips and declared again "Booty music. Ya'll got any booty music?"
"What is booty music?"
"You know... Booty Music."
"No," I sighed. "I have no idea what you're talking about. And, I might add, you're 12. I'm fairly certain you do not need to be listening to anything called 'Booty Music'."

I think this song was scientifically formulated to haunt me for upsetting that little girl that day. Now, millions of twelve year old girls are, undoubtedly, dancing around their rooms and memorizing the words to "My Humps", mistaken in their belief that this song is in any way a good idea.

Also, Nickelback deserves a cock punching of cosmic proportions.


THE RESULTS:

I find it interesting that R. Kelly got a nod from, what, three of you..? But it was also a knowing nod of respect for the enormous bag of money R. Kelly would earn with his R&B opus. If you have not seen the entire series of videos tied to this song, I HIGHLY recommend seeing them. Apparently R. Kelly has gone completely batshit insane. Maybe escaping child molestation charges and surrounding yourself with an army of yes-men will do that to you.

That said, a LOT of people bought this record.

The winner is, of course "My Humps".

Now, bear witness to just some of the amazing lyrics of "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

Wow. You Leaguers who fancy yourself to be musicians... this... this is what the people are listening to. Give up now and save yourself the heartache.

The "Boo" goes out to Nathan who refuses to give it a shot. I feel a little bad because Nathan actually works at Texas Public Radio and is a huge music fan. It's just that all the guys he adores are named things like Miles and Herbie. Sadly, here at The League, these are NOT good reasons to not be familiar with the shame that Ashley Simpson brings our nation.

The Special award goes out to Jim D. for his unfiltered critique of The Black Eyed Peas and his plea for sanity in a world gone mad.