Wednesday, September 03, 2003

One of my favorite parts of being an American is being really snarky about weird superstitions and mythologis people go by in other lands. For example, Iraqis seem to believe Saddam has a magic stone which protects him from the Americans (something we can snicker at, but I don't see Saddam in a cell either...). Ground Rhino horn been used as an aphrodeshiac for generations in Africa, and in part of Asia, I think it's shark fin they think makes you more of a man.

I take Mel for walkies bright and early (around 5:20am), and upon my return to sofa and coffee, I get to see some choice programming just before the last informercial twinkles out at 6:00am.

Today was the second time I saw the Infomercial for Alzare. Alzare is some sort of herbal supplement promised to increase size, and increased confidence. I did note in the total of minutes I saw of the front and back end of this infomercial that they never really say "This herbal supplement will increase the size of your weiner." They just say "increase size," but maybe I missed the part about bigger weiners. But one wonders if you sue for false advertising they will say, "no, we meant increased size of your PASSION!!!" The web site does state very clearly that it will increase penis size. I guess they were trying to be subtle on TV.

What I do know is that this is the best infomercial ANYWHERE. Shot against a stark white backdrop with several Cinemax Late-Night rejects as hosts, several "model/ entertainers" speak of the fantastic effects of Alzare. The women simply GLOW in their discussion. The men smile knowlingly, or perhaps their faces pulled back that way after their hair gel dried. It's hard to say. Now, the men on the show don't really claim to need the very product they're pitching... they're REAL men, the kind of sport coat and slightly unbuttoned red silk shirt men YOU WANT TO BE (if you're going to be in soft-core). They seem to be part of The Big Weiner Club (standard dress code including unbuttoned silk shirt), and they have the ticket for you to get in, buddy! The women are feigning sexy class, but are really pretty trampy looking, which is okay, because it just adds to the sleazy ambience of the whole affair. I'm not sure, but I think one woman was wearing a bright red plastic pantsuit thing which we were to determine is what people who have good sex must wear. I am ordering one for myself for Christmas.

All "dialogue" is "completely unstaged", and doesn't sound as if it's badly delivered lines from a hackey, throw away soft-core script at all. Each statement is filled with weird pauses, the kind of pauses one gets when one is trying to remember the rest of their line, and one is, say, an unemployed stripper or "spokesmodel."

The capper is the Q&A wherein several "spontaneous" and flaccidly delivered questions are asked by people the rest of the audience realizes all too late were planted there to actually get to ask questions, leaving them, and any questions which might thrust a little objectivity into the video, on the cutting room floor. Luckily, they do leave in one very Joe Schmoe looking guy to ask out the girl in the red pantsuit thingy. They all laugh at him because he is cute, but he is not wearing a sportcoat with an unbuttoned silk shirt, and must not have a big weiner.

I honestly don't know if this product works or not. I assume it's ground parsely put into a gel--cap. But I also haven't tried it. I also thought the penis enlarging pump was an invention of Austin Powers or a novelty item of the 70's, but saw one on the shelf one day at Walgreens. "THose things don't work, do they?" I asked aloud one day. "Yes," a friend of mine assured me. "They work very, very well." So I dunno. I also know I don't have the $200 it was going to set me back.

So I encourage you to seek out this informercial on your own and make your own decisions. Just remember the weird Japanese guy downing shark fin soup in the hope he will please his lady, laughing at you as a stupid Yankee for thinking parsely in a pill is going to make a man of you.

UPDATE (Dec 1, 2003): Much like my "Ann Coulter Nude Hits", of which i continue to get around 2-3 a day, I also get a lot of hits for people trying to find out who the girl is in the Alzare Infomerical I mentioned here months ago.

In an effort to help my loyal readers, her name, according to this site, is Jenny Richards. This is all I know. You're on your own now.




Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Randy has asked me to update on the cat pee smell of earlier today. In truth, the smell is now either gone, or I have become accustomed to it. I think it's gone. I also think it was probably more to do with the insanely strong coffee my boss brewed up this morning just as I arrived. The coffee is gone, and so is the smell. I will also check to see if it was the scent of the dry cleaning chemicals on the shirt I wore this morning, but changed out of when the people from the UK left.

I kind of hope I smelled like cat pee to the people from the UK. That would really impress them.
My office smells vaguely of cat piss this morning. There is no cat at my office. However, Jeff the cat may well have taken some liberties with my computer bag. I will need to investigate.

Monday, September 01, 2003

In 1995 or so, Jeffrey Cash Shoemaker introduced me to the sounds of Chicago area formerly homeless schizophrenic musical wunderkind, Wesley Willis. Wesley's songs were all fairly short songs which spoke directly from within, and were, perhaps, the most personal songs I'd ever heard. Let me qualify that with, these were the most personal songs I'd ever heard from a paranoid schizophrenic with access to a $200 keyboard. The rumor was that Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys had been the one to discover Willis, but I don't know if it's true. It makes as much sense as anything else.

My personal favorite Willis tune was "I Whupped Batman's Ass", but I came to understand later that, most likely, Wesley made up most of his songs on the spot, and in order for him to remember them later, somebody was writing the songs down.

A common theme of Willis's struggles with mental illness runs through Willis's songs. The tune "Nerve Shattering Hellride" perhaps best exemplifies Willis's struggle with schizophrenia, describing a ride on the Chicago public transportation system, and his struggles to not give in to the voices in his head during the course of said ride.

In order to keep the voices out, Willis often wore a walkman and listend to music, even when playing his own music. Including during live performances, I discovered, when I saw him play at Emo's on Austin's 6th street in the Spring of 1997. Willis was sick with the flu, we were told, and began his show late. By the time he had taken the stage, out of boredom, we had downed numerous bottles of a dollar beer, whose identity should spring to mind, but, perhaps rightly, does not.

Willis was chugging from a bottle of Chloraseptic in order to perform, sweating profusely and swearing a lot. Sensing a kindred spirit, I pushed aside any misgivings I might have had about the quite possibly exploitative situation in which I was participating. Willis went on to perform for what I estimated to be at least an hour and half, a time during which I was fairly certain he never noticed whether or not the audience was present. Further, all of his songs were in a binder, and he took considerable time out between songs to select his next tune. All of the songs, I might add, were pretty much the same song.

Eventually I tracked down my ride (we'd left directly from my RTF animation class), and I went home and went directly to bed, the tunes of Wesley Willis laying down a seed in my plowed and freshly tilled mind.

It took days for the show to get out of my head. Dozens of people joined together and, honeslty, not laughing at this guy, but listening to whatever the hell it was he was putting out there, because, you know... you honestly just hadn't heard anything like it.

Wesley had a video on MTV for a song called "Alanis Morrisette", which was pretty good by Wesley Willis standards. He wrote a lot of songs about people he liked, and more songs about people he did not like. But he liked music, and he was having a pretty hard time of it, and in the mid-90's, I think all you could really say was, "there but for the Grace of God Go I." Honestly, I haven't thought much about Wesley in years. He was an anomaly, and you hoped his earnings from record sales were enough to keep him off the streets and in good condition.

On August 21st, 2003 Wesley Willis was called home by The Maker. Rock over London, Rock on, Chicago. Wheaties, the Breakfast of Champions. Rock on, Wesley. May the nerve shattering hellride come to an end, and may you be welcomed to your seat among the great ones. You truly did manage to rock the hell out of us.

Sunday, August 31, 2003

66-7, and more than 5 minutes left. Man, and this is after a completely abysmal 1st quarter.
Holy COW!!!! They scored again! It's now 45-7. Dusty Mangum must be getting sick of going out there.
TEXAS FIGHT

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Right now Mars is closer to earth than it has been in 60,000 years. Pretty cool stuff, but I'm a little disappointed that we're not being invaded by three-eyed monsters.

BBC has some photos posted.

And here is a picture of my favorite Martian: J'onn J'onzz, Martian Manhunter of the JLA

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Jamie was confused by my post about Batman saying "damn." I was in 2nd grade, she tells me, in 82-83. Haude Elementary, Spring, TX. (Haude sounds like "Howdy." I believe it is German.) All I remember is my 3rd grade teacher was trying to get us to read and she brought in comics for pleasure reading and I knew already from my traumatic prior experience that those comics had dirty words. I believe, safety nazi that I was, that I told the teacher about the bad words and all DC comics were removed from the class. Cursing was strictly forbidden in the Steans house at this time. Then, in 1986-87, my mom said "shit," and it's been downhill ever since.
Apparently this occured here in the Valley of the Sun.
Jim sent me two fantastic articles regarding the state of comics.

The only thing I would argue in the NY Times article is this excerpt: "The Sopranos" take on the world has spilled into comic books.

I guess the idea is that comics are reflective of a harsher trend in mass media. But this isn't news, kids. Comics got gritty in the 70's with the rise of stars like Neal Adams, etc... and guys like Moore and Miller cemented the necessity of "real" consequences in comics. It's a slow evolution, but it's safe to say that most comics are not aimed at children anymore, nor has it been so for a while. As a note, all that profanity, etc... has been in comics since I was in 2nd grade (1981?), at least. I remember picking up a Batman comic and being horrified to see Batman say "damn!" This wasn't something I thought I would be allowed to read, so I sought the safety of Marvel and it's bizarre use of colloquialisms native to the Marvel Universe. EVERYBODY in Marvel comics said "blazes" instead of "hell." As in "What in blazes?" or "Go to blazes!"

Superhero comics are struggling with maturity and keeping a balance of being escapism and fun. But they are also attuning themselves to an audience which skews ever older. Most comicstry to succeed as readable fiction for at LEAST teenagers, but many do not succeed to really work as readable fiction. I refuse to name names... everyone has their opinion. The problem is: writers, editors and artists do not always seem to have fundamental grasp of adulthood themselves. At other times, when genuinely adult relationships occur in comics, many readers do not know how to react. Sex must be tawdry, violence must have no consequences, and the very real presence of sex, religion and politics is usually treated with the delicacy of a blunt instrument.

Jim also included articles on the late, great Jack "King" Kirby. I say nice things from time to time about Kirby, but I rarely say too much as it can be difficult to understand Kirby's relevance on pop culture. But I think this article does a fine job of explaining it.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

BIZZZEEEE

Work is kooky. We just started a new semester at the University, and I have been trying to get many a class up and online. I am not what I would consider to be a detail oriented guy. I like broad strokes when being told technical issues and whatnot. Any explanation longer than a minute, and I'm pretty much zoning out thinking about Superman. So all the issues that keep coming up are not entirely a surprise, because I heard OF the problem before. Now it's time to fix the problems. Luckily, I have assembled an amazing staff, and all I have to do is know of a problem, and usually it's 70% fixed before I even hear about it. I love these guys.

I am probably a software engineers' worst nightmare of a manager. I don't know anything about the specifics, and I could really give a damn. I just want to hear what the problem is, how it will affect faculty and students, and how long it will take to fix. If there is money involved, I like to know that, too. But, as I said... broad strokes. Luckily, all the tech guys around campus are aware that I am incompetent and know to call my staff instead of me. Life is sweet.

I also am taking a single grad class this fall. I am very skeptical of the course, instructor, and, indeed, the entire department, but it has relevancy to my job. We'll see how it goes.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Hey, kids!

As described previously herein, I recently made a mistake regarding Superman, the Arizona Department of Transportation and general good taste. The lesson, kids, is just because something seems funny at first, doesn't mean it's going to be funny later. And this, Leaguers, is why vanity plates and tattoos should be avoided. Both are permanent, and both may look a little stupid in the cold light of day.


what's Jamie standing next to?


the plate of shame itself


The World's Finest look over the Forester from the Garage of Solitude.

Friday, August 22, 2003

BLASPHEMY!!!!!
Thanks for the link, Randy! No one will enjoy this more than my own Hobbit lovin' wife.

I likeses the Hobbits, but Jamie loveses the Hobbits. It gives me license to give her noogies and call her "nerd."
I work at a fairly major University and the Fall semester begins on Monday. I am going insane. I apologize for there not being much here yesterday or today.

The Arizona gas crisis is already pretty much ending. No lines last night on the way home, though the price of gas has spiked to $2.15 or so (it was at $1.80+ last week). Not bad, all things considered. All in all, the fuel crisis was pretty much sound and fury, but it's going to leave me thinking for awhile about the power held at all ends of the petroleum industry.

I asked Jamie to go see "Freddy Vs. Jason" this weekend and she thought I was kidding. I think my chances of getting to see it are pretty slim.

Yesterday I received the much ballyhooed "vanity" license plate which I described about a month and half ago. I hope to update with pictures soon. I'm both embarassed for myself and totally ecstatic at how goofy it is to have plate reading "Krypto" on a grown man's car.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

From the outside, it does not appear that people are taking the Phoenix fuel shortage terribly seriously. They should be. Seeing a key ingredient to the American lifestyle suddenly dry up is really, really spooky. You don't think of the all pervasive way into which cheap, accessible fuel is seamlessly integrated into the fabric of everyday American life

It's not that gas ISN'T available, because it is, in very small quantities. The small quantities provide a sense of unease instead of the throw-your-arms-in-despair sort of thing that would probably make people actually behave. There are lines for gas. Lines for freaking gas! I don't remember the shortages of the 70's , and I wasn't around during gas rationing in WWII, so the context of a very wealthy city, suddenly choked of it's fuel supply, is a little strange. But it's not a crisis, and it hasn't been painted in the stars and stripes yet, forcing folks to do their best to work with the situation.

In order to avoid the lines, I filled up last Friday. But the lines are still there, and by sometime on Friday or Saturday, I will need to fill up again. I can't wait until the light comes on, because I might run out of gas looking for a gas station which actually has gas. I can't run any errands because that would burn gas, and I can't even go out to eat, because then we'd be burning gas.

People talk about it in the halls at my office. THey've been getting up at 4:00am to find gas stations without lines and hot tempers.

But we all live too far apart to car pool, and we some of us live in neighborhoods which make it impossible to actually just walk to get to the store. There are no buses where I live. No alternative means of transportation.

And this is just from a minor burp in the usual supply.

This isn't a nice blackout in New York where everyone quits working and everybody stays home and finishes the tub of ice cream before it melts. You can go get ice cream, if you want to burn gas to get it, but be careful with that gauge, because you can't skip work or be late to work because of gas issues. Nothing has slowed down or really been checked by the gas situation. In fact, people are following gas trucks around town to see where they're going to deliver their tank loads.

An air of paranoia is becoming prevalent.

The ten second spot Phoenix is getting on headline News doesn't begin to do the situation justice, because it is not just long lines at the pumps. Everyday life has a cloud hanging over it uncertainty. There's an uncertainty of freedom, of a threat of immobility, and nobody really knows when the damn thing is going to be over.

I've heard anecdotal evidence of flared tempers, but it's a matter of time before something genuinely bad happens. Before a car stalls on the freeway and causes a disaster, before fights break out at a gas station, before something goes wrong with one of hundreds of fuel trucks working overtime to fill the pumps...

It's a spooky situation. In order to avoid burning extra gas sitting in traffic, every day this week I've left after 6:00pm. And they say they don't know when things will get better.

I've got half a tank left, maybe a little more.
Some things just seem so fantastically absoludicrous, it just seems like there's just no way you'd forget them. But yesterday when I got home from work, there was a commericial on TV for a DVD which collects nothing but nude scenes from standard Hollywood movies. I was immediately thrilled and excited, because for $19.99, you got both this DVD AND a DVD of sex scenes from regular Hollywood movies. These videos star your favorite actresses in the early days of their careers in scenes which just didn't seem that odd back in the 80's (you don't see that much nudity anymore in R movies. It used to be required.), and drifts into some stuff right up to Demi Moore's StripTease. How the creators got the rights to the footage, I will never know. I do know that they will probably get a decent return on their investment.

But by the time I woke up today, all I could remember was that I had been hopping up and down like a monkey and telling my beautiful wife Jamie that I had a blog topic for today. I couldn't remember the topic (only that it was sordid), and that it was a surprise to see it on TV. I had to e-mail Jamie and ask her what I had been so giddy about. She responded with no small amount of disappointment. I expet the annullment papers any day now.

Anyhoo, I'm trying to figure out why this was blocked from my memory, and why I can't remember the URL for the videos to save my life. Normally this is the kind of stuff that finds it's way into my brain and latches on for eternity. But I have a multi-part theory.

I've had to reduce my Purine intake in order to prevent further outbreaks of the Gout. Purine causes uric acid, which my kidneys aren't keeping up with, and then you get uric acid crystals which deposit in your joints and cause pain. Okay. So I need to reduce purines, which means I've had to change my diet. So, for a week, I've become a vegetarian. It will be a longlasting effect of my ailment and will prevent me form eventually getting kidney stones. It's okay. I am starting to hate eating, which is good, because I am fat. But, last night when the ad came on, I was making dinner, and last night's dinner for me was an Organic vegetarian pizza. I think I was, for once, so distracted by what I did not want to eat for dinner, that I failed to fully internalize the most awesomest commercial ever. The pizza was awful, discarded, and substituted with a Boca Pizza. The memory of the commerical was placed in my temp files instead of my RAM.

Sigh.

If anyone has the URL for these videos, please let me know so I can post it.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I have attached to Laura Maxwell's site. She is a little person I knew in high school who went to UT, where I never saw her (no matter how hard I peered between her shutters). She is a very talented person, they tell me, and so I want all of you to give a big League of Melbotis welcome to the little girl from Spring, Texas who is currently in New York. Where she fights crime. With Spider-Man. And Daredevil.
Most of you won't find this terribly funny, but I haven't checked my voicemail at work in 2 months. I just don't believe in voicemail in an era of e-mail. I mean, I know people are probably leaving me crucial messages all the time, but I think if the messages are really crucial, they should be clear enough that one can put feelings into words and send out a short e-mail to me.

Anyway, finally checked my voicemail and I had only 6 messages dating back about a week. Well, that let's me know that my system is working. Voicemail is magically dumping all my old messages which would have just sat there taking up digital space, and I am certain these folks have all e-mailed me by now if there was an emergency.
Okay, we passed 2012 hits with nary a pervert looking for Ann Coulter naked.

Someone hit the site looking for these two things jointly: "Iraqi freedom" and "foot problems"

it just goes to show you that from the macrocosmic to the microcosmic, The League of Melbotis is here to serve you.
I t was raining during the day here! You have no idea how crazy that is. It just doesn't happen.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Let me just wrap up the day by saying this: My new medication makes me feel funny, and not funny in a good way. We will be very careful with the whens and hows of this medication, because it makes work very difficult.

Also, in the next 24 hours I will pass 2000 hits on this site. To this, I can only say, thak you, Ann Coulter. Without people's insane desire to see your fascist ass naked, I never would have gotten here without you. You have become a media darling, and that means you have also become a depraved dominatrix sexual fantasy to so many of your loyal fans.

And, in the spirit of raising my hits, I can only say, "Ann Coulter Nude." Go, Google, go!!!!
First off, I'm not entirely certain what is going on with the Phoenix fuel shortage debacle I mentioned earlier. I drove past at least one roped off gas station this morning and two stations which had lines a block long. Obviously things are getting a little goofier than I expected. One also wonders what things are going to look like if we ever have an honest to God shortage. If this is any indication, it's going to be ugly, ugly Mad Max type stuff.

I am very angry with the pharmacist I spoke with last Tuesday who told me one of the meds I was prescribed was a painkiller. It is not. I would probably be totally fine if I had continued to take the med, but as I was told it was a painkiller, I quit taking it. I have to start all over again. That said, I am on the road to recovery and have to go back to the doctor in two weeks for a check up and stuff.

THanks to the gout, I am now on a semi-vegetarian diet and I think it's finally getting to me. I really haven't felt well all day. Bleah. It's difficult to focus on tasks at hand and I generally feel run down. Must find protein. Must find... protein... more brains.....
People like to freak out. Apparently an 8 inch gas line between El Paso and Tucson blew up about a week ago, so, end of last week gas started disappearing from local gas stations here in the greater Phoenix area. It's not that there is no gas, it's that there's less gas. This translates to higher gas prices and several pumps being out. So, I am to to understand that folks are making like the late 70's and lining up around the block for gas.

This is not really necessary as many gas stations do have gas at MOST of their pumps (I wouldn't say all), but with the recent spike in prices, a $0.03 cost difference has suddenly made all the difference. These are the gas stations getting the lines. People are going to be going Thunderdome by week's end if the situation isn't resolved. I'm not saying that people shouldn't be concerned, but a little restraint might be called for. Especially with as many Hummers and Suburbans as you see on Valley roads, suddenly gas doesn't seem like the endless resource it was.

I feel lucky that I happened to fill up Friday afternoon and haven't really driven since. Frankly, I kind of hope I run out of gas when I roll into my driveway so I have an excuse not to drive to work. I do wish the Subaru got better mileage per gallon, but not much I can do but limit driving until this goofiness has passed.

Friday, August 15, 2003

To take you into the weekend, I submit this site which details many, many truths I wish had been bestowed upon me upon entering Film School.

Film School was the best and most fun way i could have spent my parents' money for four years. For whatever reason, those silly people had faith in me not to wind up in a button down job. Unfortunately, I was 22 before I realized self-confidence and a knowledge of film may actually keep you from working in Hollywood. Anyway, it's a freaking ridiculous industry. If you don't believe me, tell me why the Olsen Twins are billionaires and Vin Diesel is marketable and why American Splendor plays nowhere and "Grind" is playing everywhere in Phoenix.

Anyhow, that's it for me, America. Have a good weekend and keep your hands to yourself.

And because I've been a might busy and may have left you kids hanging, Just remember: Knowing is Half the Battle.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Just figured a way out of paying for a retirement home...

Superman Seat Covers

THe Superman Homepage recently announced that Superman Seat Covers were being made available in the US through the Superman Collector's Store. THe Seat covers are a little pricey, and I wanted to get a feel for whether or not my lovely wife Jamie would ever get in my car again if I got the seat covers. I think the answer was "no."

Now you have to understand that Jamie has no problem with the Superman thing and let's me pretty much do as I please. But there's something about the seat covers which may finally push her over the edge. I can usually tell when I am getting close to the edge as she will ask me in a very calm voice "Do you think YOU are SUperman?" I know she's being cute, but it's also a pretty good warning sign that she's reaching the end of her rope. It's also not as awkward as when I had to tell my brother I didn't think Superman was a real person.

Nonetheless, I am working on a compromise regarding the Seat covers. We'll figure soemthing out. Up, Up and Away.
Foot is feeling much better, but still pretty sore. My beautiful wife Jamie went and bought me Cherry Extract tablets last night. Cherry Extract, and cherries themselves, are supposed to alieviate joint pain. Normally I think herbal remedies fall into the realm of placebo and hokum, but once you're in pain, all that doubt and logic goes out the window. "Bring me the St. John's Wort!"

It's not that I don't believe Mother Earth provides natural remedies, because natural rememdies are quite common pretty much anywhere but in the US. But I have a hard time taking the "alternative medicine" rack at the Walgreens terribly seriously. Once you've minced, dried and powdered cherries, then placed them in a digestible pill, I'm fairly certain any medicinal value said cherries once held is long gone. My point is, we know that when you french fry potatos, you've boiled out all nutrition in them. Why do we think disintegrating cherries is going to help us?

But I'm taking the pills anyway, because yesterday my foot hurt like a son of a bitch, and today, it hurts less. It may be that there's a natural curve to the gout thingy, and when it flares up, or it could be the cherries helping out. We'll see. I feel like a chump for taking this hoo-hah, but I'll take whatever black magic I need to in order to remain ambulatory.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Due to the screaming footpain described yesterday, I was given Hydrocodone so I could "sleep". More like "so I could not wake up." Man, this morning was goofy. It was like the Sandman was sitting on my back (I sleep face down) and trying to convince me it was Saturday.

Drug abuse is a weird thing, and I have difficulty understanding why the kids would want to get goofy on something that would pretty much just make you punchy and make it so hard to get up in the AM. I must be missing something. I always miss out on the fun stuff.

Your Uncle Ry sez: Kids, stay in school and don't do the drugs.

My pals from Austin have decided to not proceed with their wedding about a month and half before their scheduled nuptiuals (sp?). Yikes. I feel awful.

I know they are trying to make the best decision for them, but it's still terribly depressing. What's also depressing is that I have tickets to be in town for the wedding. Because part of me is a glass-half-full kind of guy, I hope they work it out and actually DO get married, in which case, changing my travel plans will have been a tremendous mistake. Part of me is definitely glass-half-empty and thinks that maybe I can still use these tickets to get to Houston for Christmas. Part of me wants to just go to Austin and hang out for four days and enjoy early Fall in Central Texas. At any rate, I wish those two kids the absolute best, no matter what decision they make.

Things like this make Melbotis sad.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

I've been having foot problems since I moved out here. Actually, I remember the first outbreak by date (9.11.02) as I sat in the ER watching Bush on TV as he landed at Ground Zero in New York. Anyhoo, it's come back several times since. It's always something that just pops up first thing in the morning when I jump out of bed, and there's no common thread to any particular activity.

I assumed these were TaeKwonDo injuries from my days of doling out boots to the head. I suffered from what was probably the same symptom when I was in TaeKwonDo, but like a good little TaeKwonDo trooper, I went to class anyway and sucked it up. A little adrenalin usually helped me get through doing exercises I knew probably weren't very good for me.

Symptoms cropped up again yesterday morning and were so bad by this morning when I woke, I sought out a doctor. BTW, the CIGNA Healtchare website is extremely useless. Thanks, CIGNA. Could not even find my randomly assigned PCP in the phonebook, let alone on their site. But I wanted to see a doctor as last night I garnered some new information about the hurty toe. See, about a month ago my brother came down with a similar ailment, and because he does not fear and loathe doctors, he actually sought medical help.

Turns out we share a common genetic problem. We're both prone to The Gout. Apparently little crystals of uric acid build up in your blood stream and make your foot hurt like a mother. According to this description, it also probably wouldn't occur if I weren't a fatty.

Sigh. At any rate, the painkiller I was given to keep me from gnawing off my own toe knocked my butt out for most of today. I was calmly eating an early lunch so I could take my pills, and suddenly I was woken by a 1:30 phone call from my lovely wife. Ay carumba.

Stupid gout, I hate you. You make my toe hurt and remind me of my unhealthy lifestyle.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Toys That Should Not Be

I can't believe I missed this before, but here is the George W. Bush Operation Iraqi Freedom adventure doll. The look of vague yet steely determination is captured in his painted on eyeballs, the flightsuit tailored to suggest an aura of more than a showboating passenger and we guarantee upon seeing this doll your child will declare an end to all major combat activities... Unlike the Al Gore Candidate Doll, this figure has moveable joints, and is made of petroleum bi-product plastic rather than solid, unmoveable oak. Warning: If Pretzels or Segway accessory are placed near Bush doll, doll may tip over.

The line of dolls should include a Rummy Doll with life like Tech-vest, and Ari Fleischer Doll with podium and repetitive soundtrack. I will be sure to add the Condi Rice doll to my collection, as well as the Powell "UN Adventure" action set. Unfortunately the Cheney doll with "lifelike grimace" and "hidden bunker fortress" is being held for security reasons. I do look forward to the Cheney "Secret Energy Policy" playset, with sealable minutes!

Coming soon, the "Where the f**k is he?" Saddam playset with Saddam, 6 disguises and an American soldier with irritiated, sweating action.

Can we look forward to a Maureen Dowd doll? A George F. Will doll with real bowtie action?

Eschewing obvious jokes about anatomical correctness, one wonders what the Clinton/ Lewinski playset would look like, and what accessories it might contain...

Still, I think the "Tickle Me" Jenna doll is going to prove to be most popular of the line.
BTW, The Amazing Randy asked why I left Alan Moore's Watchmen off of my list from Friday. Pure oversight, I assure you. I actually have a copy of the first issue framed and hanging on the wall of my office. The posted list was part of the body of a letter I sent Jim D. the other day, and Jim had already read Watchmen.

I would recommend this comic to anyone but my dear, sweet mother, for whom the reading of Watchmen would be a singularly bewildering experience.
How do, Leagueadeers?

This weekend was pretty dull, although yesterday Chandler, Arizona managed to be the hottest spot in the country. I, of course, managed to be out doing yard work. After the temp passes 108 F, it's all pretty much just really, really hot. 117 or 109... it doesn't really matter.

It's time for me to enroll for my benefits package again, and I always wonder if I have enough life insurance. I don't want too much, so that it's worth more to Jamie to have me dead than alive, but I also don't want her to be bankrupt if I accidentally OD on Diet Pepsi or Coffeemate. At any rate, I asked her what she would do if I upped and died. "I'd probably move to San Francisco or Austin," she said. "What would you do?"

"I'd move to Austin."

And then it dawned on me... no, not that in order for me to get back to Austin, Jamie might have to have a little "accident". No, it dawned on me that for some reason, if we're both alive, we somehow think it's a good idea to be in a smelly desert. Alone, the idea is intolerable. Well, I think that says a lot for how much we can put up with when together, but it also made me realize that ain't neither one of us is particularly excited about being in the smelly desert. I'm not sure it should take one of us keeling over to return to the Lone Star State.

So, you know, if you know of any jobs in A-Town, let your glorious leader in on it.

We took Mel to meet Tanner the Wonder Dog on Saturday. Mel isn't very socialized around other dogs, and Tanner is a great dog, if not a bit of a spaz. Tanner is a 1 year old Golden who belongs to Jamie's cube neighbor, Ryan N. Anyhoo, I was very proud of Mel as he never ate Tanner and was on his best behavior while visiting Tricia and Ryan's house. He did, however, steal all of Tanner's toys and claim them as his own. It was embarassing, but I'm not sure Mel understands issues of property.

What Mel DOES understand is bathtime. He's not even really anti-bathtime. When he sees me pull out the towels and point at the tub, he will climb right in. This is much favorable to the afternoon I once spent chasing Mel around the front yard with hose in hand.

One night, just before I moved here, Mel must have decided he was really dirty, because at 3:00am he climbed into the bathtub and started whining. So next you know I was sudding up the dog and pushing sleep out of my eyes. It didn't really seem that odd until I related the story later. Jamie was out of town when it occured, so I have nobody to verify the story, but it did happen. I have had bath guilt ever since and try to be better about the frequency of Mel's baths.

Friday, August 08, 2003

Someone hit the League today by doing a Google search for "Ryan Steans." What's the deal? Who is this person? And will they send me money?
There is a difference between Trade Paperbacks and Graphic Novels. Graphic Novels are usually released as self contained stories in a single volume. Trade Paperbacks are usually stories lifted from a running series, like Spider-Man issues 165-175 or something. The gray area is when you begin speaking about collections which contain a story which existed as, say, a six issue limited series. This can include either totally original characters, or it can include, say... Batman.

THe point is, Randy asked me to recommend some comics yesterday, and then last night, Jim asked me to recommend some comics. As I am short on time today, I will reprint here that which I sent Jim last night, because it's a quick guide for what you might wish to look for if you were to go to a book store or to a comic shop.

I'm going to just suggest Graphic Novels and self-contained limited series trade paperbacks. I don't want to just dump you into the world of regular Trade Paperbacks.

Dark Knight Returns is on the "must read" list, but be prepared for something.. different. I'm not sure you'll like all of it, but I think it's critical. We'll save Dark Knight Strikes Again for a later discussion.

Maus by Art Spiegelman is a must read. No, it is not really an allegory, because that's what you're going to think at first glance. It is not Animal Farm. This is a true story. It won the Pulitzer. It is used as a textbook. It's really, really good. Especially if you manage to get both volumes.

From Hell by Alan Moore is what the recent Jack the Ripper movie was based upon.
Torso by Brian Michael Bendis is a true crime tale following Eliot Ness as he moves to Cleveland and must sort out the identity of a Depression era serial killer.
Ronin by Frank Miller is a psychedelic sci-fi Samurai story which defies description.
Elektra: Assassin by Frank Miller will let you know why I was so angry with the Daredevil movie.
Moonshadow is a coming of age tale set amongst the cosmos
V for Vendetta by Alan Moore may make you wish to make like Guy Fawkes
Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth by Chris Ware is supposed to be great. I bought it a few weeks ago and haven't had time to read it yet.
Sandman: A Season of Mists by Neil Gaiman breaks the rules stated above, but is, nonetheless, an excellent comic. I think you can follow the story with little introduction

Essential Superhero books:
Kingdom Come by Mark Waid and Alex Ross will restore your faith in Superheroes
Batman: Year One - Frank Miller
Superman: Man of Steel - John Byrne (note- It appears the powers that be at DC comics are re-writing the history of Superman as dictated by Man of Steel in Superman: Birthright. More on this in the months to come. BTW, I love what they're doing)
Ultimates by Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch
Ultimate Spider-Man by Bendis
for sheer weird factor, I like Jack Kirby's TPBs of New Gods and Mister Miracle. but it's an acquired taste

And if you're looking for a book without pictures, I would point you to The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. It won the Pulitzer, I think.

But let me know if you're looking for something fun, or something "important", and maybe I can help. But if you were going to read one or two graphic novels, these would be the ones I would begin with. We can work backward from here.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

So I was talking to Randy, and he says, "You should get an optical mouse instead of a ball-roller." So I hopped up and stole one off of the desk of one of my student workers. I am now so futuristic, I'm not even here yet. Thanks, Randy.

And congratulations on the new job. You and Jim can be new job buddies, and that's something in this wintery economy.
THis article on Urban Legends in Iraq is interesting.

I just cleaned my mouse, and it works much, much better. You would not believe the crap which had built up in there.

Hurray for Gary Coleman, who has also tipped his hat to run for the Governorship of California.

No new news of obesity today, I am sorry to say, but I think I made my point. I will resume obesity reports as events warrant.

For those of you who might pick up a monthly comic, the new Batman/ Superman comic (or Superman/ Batman... there's no title, just an emblem) got off to a great start. The art is the best Ed McGuinness I've ever seen (and if you ask Jamie, I assure you she can confirm that I like Ed McG's Superman work), and the story seems fairly interesting. I know comic people criticize Superman and Batman as "same old, same old", but I still dig this stuff, especially when the quality is this good.

Anyway, Mel keeps doing this weird thing on our walks where he alternately accelerates and slows down and looks at me. I've been walking him for three years, and this is a new development. I asked him what the story is, but he just sped off. Today he was FOCUSED when we went on our walk and would not jump off the sidewalk in time and got tagged by a sprinkler. I think he blamed me, but I was trying to help him. The good news is, we are both in slightly better shape for our recent ritual of morning walkies, and I plan to extend our path in the next week or two.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Hey, kids. Quick Update. Jerry Springer has decided not to run for Senator from Ohio. I am sad to hear this. We need more folks in the Senate who are likely to conclude each session with a Final Thought. But on the plus side, with Jerry sticking to daytime TV, there will still be an outlet in American television where you know, weekday after weekday, you will be even more disappointed in humanity than by watching Hollywood Squares.

Arianna Huffington is running for Governor. I support this. She has very nice hair.

Thanks to Randy for the News tip!
Fat Discrimination

We're on Day 3 of an infinite number of days of Headline News returning to their favorite topic: obesity. The omnipresent spectre was discussed today in light of a Gallup Poll which determined whether folks felt they had been discriminated against because of their weight, and whether employers would be likely to discriminate against folks because of their girth. During the report, the weird, awkward Gallup guy pantomimed a gut and made sure to point out that more Americans are overweight (according to the AMA) than said felt they were overweight... he clearly felt ashamed of those Americans who did not admit they were overweight. It was very strange...

Stayed up too late watching The Rules of Attraction on cable. This movie probably isn't for everyone, but after endless cable reruns of Road Trip and American Pie 2, it was interesting to break from the mold and see a movie about quasi-sociopathic yet recognizable college kids. I know American Pie, et al, are always supposed to have "heart", but the cute and fuzzy bunny characters never appeal to me, and the stories always seem to downshift into sentimental glop about some randomly boring love interest when the beginnings of the movies always make it look like the characters are having much more fun NOT being in love. I'm not even sure I would say Rules of Attraction was a good movie, but it differed enough from the cute and fuzzy bunny formula that at times I knew that if I'd seen this in college, it would have made a boatload more sense to me than those movies mentioned above.

The other fun part of The Rules of Attraction was when, about forty minutes into the movie I suddenly put 2 and 2 together and realized the James VanDer Beek character was supposed to be Patrick Bateman's little brother from American Psycho. Suddenly everything became so very, very clear. (BTW, while the book of American Psycho is fairly disturbing and not for everyone, the movie version was pretty lame and ended up as a fairly tame slasher fliock... ). Anyway, realizing the connection also solidified the theme of adding "American" as part of your title to give it some sort of ubiquitous meaning and gave a different gravity to the end of the flick.

Am currently reading Jimmy Olsen: Adventures by Jack Kirby. Check it out, comic geeks. This is some great, great stuff.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Turns out I was wrong on some details on the Castillo case. For an interview with the Director of the CBLDF, read here. For an interview with the actual guy who got arrested, read here.

Never let it be said I won't point out where I am wrong. Except on this whole "Groundhog Day" thing. 6 more weeks of winter, my ass...
The Magic Genies at blogger.com who run the blogging service I utilize have now fixed my archives problem. If you'd liek to review my past posts, such as they are, you may now visit my little archives section. It's fast, it's free, it's fun and it may very well save your life.
Fat Kids in Crisis: A Nation Mourns

Headline News ran another story about childhood obesity. Today's topic was about stapling kids' stomachs to curb the fatness. THis was after they brought on two ugly teenagers to demonstrate how to properly wear a bicycle helmet.

Okay, look... this is the sort of thing I'm going to obsess about, so i just want to prepare everyone. I plan to now count the number of days in a row I have to hear about obesity on Headline News. We're on Day 2

And if your kid can't wear a helmet properly (and I know I've just doomed any future Steans progeny by saying this outloud), isn't there something called Natural Selection? If you're 15 and you're wearing your bike helmet, say... sideways... you're probably going to end up getting killed sooner or later doing something like chasing a shiny object into heavy traffic.

On the legal front, The Supreme Court refused to hear the Jesus Castillo case out of Dallas. Jesus sold a really nasty adult Japanese comic book to an undercover cop. The comic contained all kinds of stuff unfit for the pages of The League, but we think this is silly. Couple of things: the comic was in a marked off section clearly labeled "for adults only", and rumor had it that a rampaging PTA mom had threatened the shop because they would not sell her Pokemon cards wholesale. THis same woman then appeared at PTA meetings and began making a stink about the shop, and the idea is that she basically set them up. Also, the actual store was not the one which got in trouble, it was the hapless minimum wage clerk... poor guy. But, apparently, because of "community standards" rules, what the cop did was legal, as were all the proceedings. (Jim and I discussed this off-line. It's actually fairly interesting, You should ask him about the laws.)

The final argument prosecutors used basically defied considerable expert testimony, piles of evidence and sheer logic, but appealed emotionally to the selected jurists and their preconceived notions (leaving me to wonder how awful the Defense attorney really was). Basically she argued that comics are for kids (dismissing all evidence about sales, etc...), and that poor Jesus must be trying to corrupt kids. (BTW, no actual kids ever obtained illicit material from the store, but that wasn't the point). It's kind of a messed up story, and it has unleashed the usual anti-Texas sentiments upon the comic geek internet sites. I find this irritating, if nothing else.

I invite anyone drifting in from Jim's legal sites to review this decision and try to find out if the Castillo guy has to do anytime in the slammer.

I'm not sure Japanese tentacle porn is exactly what I think of when I dream of a free country, but something appears to be broken here. The legal action demonstrates how vulnerable any of us could be. The truth is, if this is the precedent, a cop could walk into any bookstore and start arresting the clerks. A cop could arrest librarians and convenience store owners. One wonders what this would mean for Internet Providers and importers. At any rate, it's kind of creepy. And they picked on the one guy who couldn't afford to fund himself for an attorney so the CBLDF ended up picking up the considerable tab. Point being, even if he HAD been exonerated, as well assume justice would prevail, he would still have ridiculous legal fees to worry about, and that's not something an attorney is going to just forget about, nor a court for fees.

Monday, August 04, 2003

CNN loves to talk about fat people. Seriously. They LOVE it. Every freaking morning on Headline News... but that kind of slowed down during the Iraq thingy as Dr. Gupta and company went to parts unknown.

But you can tell CNN is bored with world events again... this morning Headline News ran a lengthy "story" about how kids are getting fat. Curiously, Headline News suggested that the new solution is to get schools to teach kids how not to get fat. My favorite part is that CNN shows footage of fat kids' bodies while talking about how disgusting fat kids are, but they try to give anonymity by not showing the kid's face... THEN they show OTHER people to clearly contextualize and identify the kid and thus set the kid up for a lifetime of therapy. I know what a fat kid looks like, thanks. I don't need a visual and the guilt of knowing what psychic horrors CNN is building with each story about obesity.

Here's what your pudgy (but wise) Uncle Ry thinks: Maybe if you see your kid is playing videogames 5 hours a day while eating Cheese Doodles, the problem is not something a teacher is going to resolve, no matter how colorful her charts of the food pyramid. Kids already have to sit 8 hours a day in school. Recess and getting beat up is probably the only exercise they ARE getting. Instead of playing five hours of John Madden football, mayhaps the answer is to spend $15 on a real football and take away the Super Delicous Berry Toaster Treats and the Eat 'Em Ups. Maybe even send the kid outside? The outside, however, is a frightening place. I understand that every parent is concerned once outside, their precious angel will get abducted or turned onto drugs or that the sun will give their little swamp rat some skin cancer. Have we mutually agreed as a society that it's best just to let the kids widen as their pudgy little fingers squeeze out an afternoon of fun?

I throw stones, but, honestly, it was hot as hell growing up in Texas and we spent many afternoons camped inside, too. I'm just jealous that Atari sucked compared to the PS2. But really, as a kid my mom locked the door at 9:00am in the summer and we were only allowed in for lunch and for dinner. We were smelly little kids, so I don't blame her, and that is when "Uncle Steve" used to come visit, and the milkman and the air conditioner guy and... HEY! Waitaminnut....

Anyway, I like the fat kids of today. For every fat kid with low self-esteem playing videogames at home, that's one less kid I have to deal with when I'm trying to make my way through the grocery store. Or for every little brain-dead mongrel with a Game Boy at a public function, that's one less kid I have to pretend to be interested in. At least they're not rotting their brains with f**king comic books...
Maybe the 3 feet of reinforced concrete and the titanium shell was overkill...? Anyway, this is a few miles from my house (in the fastest growing city in the US, btw...)
TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE

One would expect that after the San Diego ComicCon, I would have more to add to TTSNB. But I think that the close ties to comic books have pretty much eliminated that problem at the SDCC. I'll have to wait for the New York TOy Fair to be truly disturbed, and that's not until winter.

I was talking with co-worker Rachel, and she mentioned how her three year old kid, Eddie, brought home a Michael Meyers doll. Apparently when you squeeze it, it plays the theme from Halloween. It's also armed with a pre-bloodied plastic knife. Yes, the doll was taken away. But, as I say, TTSNB.

In that mode, let's visit with this latest offering, and consider what this would do to your love life if you brought a girl home and THIS was on your shelf. That's 12" of toy enough to make any girl start looking for an alternate escape route. I am safely married and keep my toys to the Superhero genre, and I still think that this is doing nothing short of making the lovely Jamie fairly ashamed of me.
Had a little bit of weirdness at this site and over at Jim's site today. It appears that if one types in www.melbotis.blopsot.com, one gets a bible site. My Type-o's caused me to panic. ANyway, the weirdness has passed.

Watched most of three movies today, as well as doing yardwork.

1) Actually watched about 80% of The Lion in Winter. Very good film. "This movie is depressing" was Jamie's review. And then she slept through the last 1/2 of the movie. Just sort of passed out in the recliner with her mouth hanging open. Excelelnt cast (with a young ANthony Hopkins and Timothy Dalton). Looks like Picard is going to be in a version on TV sometime this year.

2) Watched all of Finding Nemo at the theater. Very cute movie about fish. I was desperate for Long John Silver's when we left. Settled for shrimp we picked up at the grocery. I think I liked Nemo, but like most kids movies, it kind of rolled off me. It didn't help that there were six kids behind us who were running a color commentary of the movie and how it related to them personally. Ah, I love children. So precious... anyway, I liked the trailer for The Incredibles.

3) Watched good chunk of Clash of the Titans on cable. Got very defensive when Jamie commented on the crappy FX. Not sure why I was so defensive. Must have thing for Harry Hamlin. Actually, I love Harryhausen's stuff. It's easy to trash, but have you ever tried to animate a mechanical owl? I'm sure it's difficult to see the return on investment.

Last night, faced with nothing else to do, we drank White Russians and watched Trading Spaces as this episode was taped somewhere in North Austin. I was all weepy and nostalgic as they showed the "Welcome to Austin" mural at the intersection of South 1st and Annie, which is about four blocks from my old house. I miss South Austin deeply. People, if you haven't been down that-a-way, you should go there. It's a good place and good people, but keep your eye on your car stereo. Go to La Reyna on S. 1st for lunch and go to Casa Garcias on SOuth Lamar for breakfast. It's good stuff, and I am grossly overweight in no small part becuase of their high quality and low prices. For dinner you ask? Guero's, of course.

I also miss Mariachi. Why the hell isn't there any Mariachi in Chandler? hmmm... Time to dust my trumpet and polish my boots...

But there was nothing like using that mural for directions, or the blue genie who used to sit atop the building... "Just go north down South 1st, and you're gonna see a Blue Genie... Yeah, you're not going to miss it, it's huge... yeah, go left there."

Mel misses having a great chainlink fence frontyard. He spent all day running back and forth barking at kids and folks with strollers. We had to introduce ourselves to our neighbors as "We live at Mel's house." Some folks came by and gave Mel treats over the fence. He was very popular. You know, nobody walks here in CHandler, AZ. I guess it's too hot. And Mel can't go in the front yard anyway...

Anyhoo, incentive to move back to South Austin, I suppose.

Sunday, August 03, 2003

Over and Out

I wrapped things up over at Jim D's site. Things should be getting back to normal around here.

Friday, August 01, 2003

I'm getting close to the end of my run on Jim D's site. I posted regarding the Pop Culture Countdown at that site, so bounce over there for the usual nonsense.
How come Matthew Perry keeps getting movies and this hasn't received national release?

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Those of you looking to earn the eternal gratitude of The League, may want to consider shoppping early for me for Christmas. If I receive this from a reader, it is guaranteed that I will print your name here in The League of Melbotis.
While I love my wife, the lovely and talented Jamie, I could have written a book on this. Thanks, science.
Today I am mad at my job. I would not go so far as to say I am sick of it, but stupid things keep happening, and I am going to have to sort them out. It's days like today I wish I had a job where all I had to do was dig a hole or something. Without going into it, I essentially messed up the TPS reports and am paying dearly.

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

BTW, I posted over at Jim D's site today, if anyone is curious.
If you've ever lived in Austin, this is just good comedy.

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

Before I forget, congrats to RHPT.com on a full year of rocking the Continental United States.

VIVA LA RANDY
I think we're on to you.
oh, for the love of God....
Dude... WHAT THE FUCK!!!?????

Monday, July 28, 2003

why I love television

actual quote from someone involved with the show: "Eric always brings enough passion as a producer that when he got excited about a 300-pound tumor, I got excited about a 300-pound tumor."
When we moved out to Arizona from the Great State of Texas, many of the transactions I was attempting to fulfill were meeting with some static. In our digital age, I found the confusion on the part of bankers somewhat odd. They both insisted we could keep our account listed as a Texas account and simultaneously gave me grief over the fact that we did not have our accounts in Arizona. So, choosing the path of least resistance, I opened an Arizona account, leaving the Texas account to wither and die.
Back in April we had a SNAFU with the Texas account, and without getting into too much detail, I'll say we closed the Texas account.
So about three weeks ago I tried paying my credit card bill online. I'm not a technophobe, but I am lazy. Well, apparently the Texas account was still the account I had listed with AT&T Universal Card (a provider I have used faithfully since college). As I mentioned, I am lazy, and not particularly detail oriented, and did not notice the lack of currency in the account number listed as our bank account.
This morning, on our walkies, I picked up the mail and was surprised to find a letter from AT&T Universal Card stating that my online payment had been rejected. Well, I think I deduced what the problem was... the credit card was associated in their database with our old account from Texas, which was gonzo.
So I went online to amend the situation. I put in new info., I even changed my alert status which was supposed to be e-mailed to me, and did several other things. It accepted all the new info., but then, after acknowledging the new account info., refused to accept the new account's payment. I called AT&T Universal Card.
"So I tried to pay my bill online, and you guys took 3 weeks to send me a notice saying it didn't go through."
"Yes sir."
"But you had my e-mail address and phone number, and even the mail isn't that slow."
"I don't know why it took so long, sir."
"Well, I'm getting a red error message when I try to pay using my new account info that I entered."
"Your account is frozen for 30 days. You can't pay online until we reconcile the new information."
"But the website already verified the account."
"We can't accept payment online. Your account is frozen for 30 days."
"Oh... Well..."
"We can accept payment on the phone."
"Okay. Great! I have my checkbook-"
"No, wait, we can't do that, either."
"Oh."
"Since your last payment didn't clear, we can't take any payment that way. For 30 days."
"You said-- The account has money in it. I'm looking at my statement right here."
"You're going to have to mail it in. When is it due?"
"In two days. On the 30th. It's not going to make it."
"No. No, it's not. Let me see if I can extend your payment deadline...."
"That would be good."
"Five days."
"Okay. I still don't know if it will make it. You know, by the time someone opens it and all..."
"Five days, sir. And, I noticed something else on your account. Do you want to consolidate your loans--?"
"No. I have no loans."
"We're also offering cash advances--"
It was at this point I desperately wanted to ask her to advance my account the cash so Peter may pay Paul, but I thought better of it and politely declined.
I did manage to drum up an envelope and stamps, and sent my check off to an address from the web-site, which, I have honestly never seen before.
Road to the Pearly Gates....

Thursday, July 24, 2003

According to my Sitemeter readings, it appears that The League of Melbotis is THE hotspot if you're looking for nude photos of Ann Coulter. I fear to even mention this, because it means I am probably propogating the problem. But I think if you check, unique ID by unique ID, you'll see that more folks are looking for Ann Coulter nude than are not.

In honor of nude Ann Coulter, I hereby present a fully-clothed Don King.

I'm kind of living over at Jim's site for a while until he can get squared away and get up and running in Beaumont. Pop on in and take a gander.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Hey, kids,

Your Uncle Ryan is feeling a little bad that he may have freaked some people out with this morning's post.

It is true that I do not really like living in Arizona, but I think what I realized is that it's time I draw out a game plan for taking back control of my own destiny. I have several grievances with myself which, mayhaps, I should not have aired online, but the idea is that I am working to address those grievances.

So do not worry (thanks for the support, Leaguers!), I am just trying to figure out how to get out of the blasted heat of Southern Arizona.
After hearing about it all last year, Jamie and I rented Old School from our local retailer. Despite the talent in the movie, I didn't really think it was very funny. Or well written. Or clever. Or even particularly well edited. In fact, it seemed like one of the laziest jobs ever put onto film, but I imagine they knew they weren't exactly putting together Citizen Kane, or even Thomas the Tank Engine.

But the movie did remind me of how cosmically boring my life has become since I moved out to Arizona. The movie hints that marriage is what dooms you, and maybe that's so for many folks, but I think I can point more to our poorly planned move to Arizona. Granted, before we moved, I had lived in Austin for somewhere in the neighborhood of 16 of my 27 years, so a change of pace was welcome. But when "Frank the Tank" begins describing what he plans to do with his weekend (go to Home Depot, etc...), it struck a little too close to home to be funny.

I used to be a fun guy. I'm not necessarily equating my college boozing with fun (although it was), but I think I had even more fun once College was over, I was working a McJob and Jamie and I were cohabitating (so i have a hard time pointing to marriage. cohabitation as the source of the spectre). I was having a pretty good time right up until the time we got to the Valley of the Sun.

It's true that I am to blame for my boredom. I no longer really have the will to seek out art or festivals or even really to go to the movies (people talk here at the movies like it's the only safe place to have a conversation). I certainly never really "go out" on the weekends. 1) there's nowhere to "go out" to in Chandler except a bar AT THE MALL, and Scottsdale is pretty far away from my house. I leave it to your imagination to figure out all the permutations of drinking and driving which become problematic. 2) The only people I know are from work, and I am their boss, so going out and becoming buddies with them is problematic should I need to get serious with them in the office. 3) The greater Phoenix music/ art/ anything of interest scene is completely off my radar. I don't even know where things are, or when they are happening. 4) what I do know about is either insanely expensive or an hour+ away. Even tickets to go see the Diamondbacks are $45 for crappy seats, and I don't even like baseball. 5) whenever you ask what there is to do out here, everyone tells you to go to Sedona. You know what? Fuck Sedona. I refuse to go there on the basis that everyone tells me to go there, and if these people were so smart, they wouldn't be living in this boring desert. 6) I don't play golf. Nor do I want to play golf. I want to play golf the way other people want to spend their lives reading comic books. It just ain't going to happen, but with 400+ golf courses in the greater Phoenix area, you are expected to LEARN to like golf. No. I will not.

But the biggest problem I have is COMPLACENCY. I've let myself get stuck in an idiotic rut. Instead of trying to find something to do here, which would only be a band-aid on the problem, my goal is now to move somewhere else than Chandler, AZ. The highlight of my weekend does not need to be trips to Target and the grocery store. I don't need to spend all day stressing because I know it will be very hot out on Sunday when I have to scoop the dog crap and mow the yard. Quite honestly, I'm going a little batshit. If anyone knows of any work in a major metropolitan area, let me know.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

they say apples are nature's toothbrush. And you know what? It's true.
I have a new hero.

Look out, RHPT...

It appears all of us working in the tech sector may soon be in for a replacement. Unfortunately, I've seen how this plays out, and it ain't pretty...

NERD ALERT!!!!

The Batman fanfilm which caused such a ruckus at the San Diego ComicCon can be found here. People have apparently been going batty over the thing. Batty... ha ha ha... ahhhhhh, me....

(update)

Well, I watched the Batman thing (it's a Quicktime download). The video looks really nice, and if you're an Alex Ross fan, Batman and Joker actually look really, really cool. The dialog is really terrible, and the "twists" they add in are... I don't know what they are...

Honestly, I don't know what this is. It reminds me of something I would have dreamt up in 8th grade, but I assume adults are behind it. Anyway, give it a shot, but don't break your arm trying to download the thing.


Monday, July 21, 2003

This afternoon I called the good folks at ADOT to figure out what I was supposed to do about my license plate. "What did you want on your plate?"
"Krypto. K-R-Y-P-T-O. Krypto."
"It's coming up as a drug reference."
"You computer has file of drug references?"
"Yes sir."
"And Krypto was one of them?"
"Yep. Ice, Special K, all this stuff I never heard of. All drugs."
"And Krypto?"
"You never know."
What was not clear was that anyone has ever actually called anything Krypto. But a quick web-search turns up that Krypto is a specific breed of marijuana. Who knew?!!

according to the DOJ: "Krypto," short for kryptonite, is hydroponically grown marijuana that is supplied by Philadelphia-based criminal groups who transport the drug to Atlantic City.

So because some idiot in Philly has decided to call his dope "Krypto," I may not get my license plate. I will find out after the "committee" reviews my request the 2nd Thursday in August. I am thrilled to know I get no rebuttal. Further, I wonder if DC comics knows the name of their beloved character has been co-opted for what sounds like some scientifically enhanced bud?

And can't the state of Arizona accept the fact I like to get groovy and just let the license plate slide? I suppose not. The ultimate irony being that this hydroponic weed is so potent, they named it after the stuff which takes down Superman. So the Superman connection comes full circle. I wonder if there's any "Ace the Bathound" wonder weed?
SUH-WEEEET!!!!

First teaser image of Doctor Octopus as played by Alfred Molina in the upcoming Spider-Man 2 (Amazing Spider-Man).
Part of my morning routine is checking the mail while Mel and I do our little lap around the neighborhood. This morning I received a letter from the Arizona Dept. of Transportation.

A few weeks ago it came time to renew the tags for my car, and like a good little netizen, I jumped online and took care of it immediately (I also took care of Jamie and registered her to vote). One of the options in renewing your tags was to get "vanity" plates for your auto. There's a lot more folks out in Arizona with vanity plates than what you see in Texas, and I discovered that these personalized plates are fairly inexpensive. So, without thinking clearly, I popped in my personalized info. and sat back to reap the benefits of high-speed bandwidth and a check card.

At 5:30 this morning, I got Saturday's mail. Despite the fact I filled in the little box on the form explaining what I had chosen for my plate to say, someone in the ADOT doesn't believe I had the best of intentions when putting "Krypto" on the back of my car. I don't know what they THINK it means, but it's pretty clear that "Krypto" was kind of freaking them out.

Instead of a performing a 30 second web-search to verify my claim, this government monkey sent my request to some review board. No time line has been given as to when I can expect to see whether or not "Krypto" has been approved, but the letter insinuated that the word or phrase had connotations which the state of Arizona did not like.

The thing which concerns me is that I have a tag which I must put on my car by the end of the month. This tag set me back no small amount of green, and I don't want to have to buy a new one if and when they do send me my plate. Lousy bastards.

I won't cry if the state won't allow me to put this on my car (although I think I will be vindicated). In fact, the decision to put Krypto on my car was one I kind of questioned about five minutes after I quit giggling as I sent off my request. This was the same sort of decision making which led me to wear a shirt in middle school which read: Vote LV-426 Planet-Con in '86! (if you can determine what that statement refers to, bonus points.) Nonetheless, it was a bad decision, but it was MY bad decision, and I am sticking with it.

I'll keep you posted as to how this pans out. I need to call ADOT tomorrow to see what I'm supposed to do about this tag +/- plate debacle.
Ann Coulter Nude

Well, I may have doomed myself to an endless hell of popularity with folks looking for nude photos of Ann Coulter.

8 of my last 20 hits came from folks looking for Ann Coulter pics or other... 24 of the last 100 hits.

Anyway, I promised to print results, but I have no idea what this means.

The truth is, right now I'm watching the new Teen Titans show on Cartoon Network, and it's not very good. Oh, well. I did like the first issue of the re-vamped comic by Geoff Johns, though. The cartoon is kind of anime style, a style which I have always not been very interested in because I assumed there was a lot lost in the translation from Japanese to English. I don't see the point of an American cartoon lifting the style, including goofy cultural shortcuts which are fairly meaningless to American viewers, and which are really kind of cutesy (even for a kid's cartoon). I guess the point is to use someone else's tools to fool kids into thinking this somehow fits in the Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, etc... But here's the deal, Yu-Gi-Oh has toys and cards which go along with the show. It's all interconnected. As an intrepid comic fan, I know that no Teen Titans toys are en route (retailers feel there are too many girls on the team (2 of 5) and the toys would never sell.

The rumor turning on the Superman mill is that Cartoon Network will next be launching a cartoon based around Superman's Silver Age canine pal, Krypto the Superdog. It will be geared at very young kids. I look forward to it. BTW, Krypto doesn't talk in the comics. I don't know what's up with this issue.

Jamie and I joined Sam's Wholesale Club this weekend. Mostly, I just wanted one of those big barrels of pretzels because I was hungry. I'm not sure that the "wholesale" costs will help us. There are only two of us, we had to pay $30 to join, and we bought enough stuff that if we actually go back to Sam's before November, I'll be shocked.

Anyway, fairly boring weekend. Hope yours was better.

I hope to post my "In Defense of Megatron" think piece over at Jim's site this week. Hope you guys tune in. I posted there this evening. Go take a peek.

Friday, July 18, 2003

All the interests in my life are collapsing in upon themself into one colossal super project.
Howdy to all of you drifting in from www.jdedman.com. I'm going to be pretty busy today, so forgive me for being a bad host. Feel free to polk around and make yourselves at home. There's RC, water and orange juice in the fridge if you want some. Don't touch the cat, he bites.

Let me know if there are any questions.

Thursday, July 17, 2003

Hey, Team,

Jim D. is moving to Beaumont (which reminds me, I owe him money), and he has asked me to Guest Blog over at www.jdedman.com. If you've been long associated with The League, you surely have flipped over to Jim's site at some point to see what the heck I was talking about. So, if my posts are shorter for a time, look for more Melbotis goodness to appear over yonder.
I am very busy today at work, but a couple of things:

1) I was thinking about the Japanese invention I mentioned yesterday which allows you to translate a dog or cat's noises into "speech" by analyzing the tone and then giving a pre-recorded verbal cue. Well, nice idea, but they need to reverse engineer the device so that I can talk back to my pets. Otherwise, the damn thing isn't going to really be of much use.

2) People looking for Ann Coulter nude continue to pour in. I'll do a final tally this weekend, but I think I had somewhere in the neighborhood of four or five people yesterday.

3) Sci-Fi Channel has been re-running episodes of an early 90's Discovery Channel program entitled Beyond Bizarre (not to be confused with "Beyond Belief", which is anything but...). Beyond Bizarre is a sort of Ripley's Believe it or Not! with an even slimmer budget.

Beyond Bizarre must not ever have had much popularity. I remember seeing the show in a drunken stupor when I was 18 and being mystified by some rocks which reportedly move on their own during the night, but I had kind of forgotten about the show the way the rest of the world must have. When you Google search for info on the show, you get bupkis, although you can buy the series on VHS.

Beyond Bizarre is done in quasi-documentary style and chronicles strange and unexplainable phenomena as well as people doing goofy stuff. Most of the strange phenomena are generally explainable with a little logic applied (although the producers of Beyond Bizarre give no siggestion that logic could ever play into these events). They explore strange monuments like Native American Mound Builder artifacts and pyramids. My favorite was an episode which explored "vampires," or bored goth kids who cut each other and drank one another's blood. Not only unsanitary, but generally a big sign that mommy didn't love you.

At any rate, I think at long last, I have found my calling. The show is hosted by this guy, Jay Robinson, whom I believe once played Dr. Shrinker on the Kroft Superstars. The early 90's delivered him to us as a man now clearly bent upon making himself into the prototype for Landau's Lugosi in Ed Wood. At any rate, Jay gets to wear all black, stand in a darkened studio with leftover Universal Monster Movie props and a fog machine while being only slightly creepy. He introduces the program and segues between segments with spooky aplomb. I am not yet old enough to have this job, nor am I likely to abuse enough drugs nor smoke enough cigarettes to have the sort of Crypty Keeper like countenance and vibrato which the job requires.

Ahhh... to dream the impossible dream.

4) A few years ago (circa 1996) some friends of friends shot and edited a movie entitled The Schedule. The film was not really received anywhere excpet for The Dobie off UT's campus. Nonetheless, it was a noble effort, and as I understand it, just never landed a distribution deal. Judging from the less than stellar 3 of 10 stars it has on IMDB, it must not have been a fan favorite.

But the premise is not dissimilar to Showtime's new program Dead Like Me. Both center around recently departed souls being recruited by the powers that be to act as agents of the Grim Reaper and collect dead folks' souls or something.

Anyway, aspiring attorneys may wish to contact the producers of The Schedule and see if they can't get a chunk of Showtime's coffers.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

I need to go get lunch, but, my friends, this is what I am dealing with:

Home > Local Forecast for Tempe, AZ (85287)

112°F
Mostly Cloudy Feels Like
107°F (<---this is a damn lie. It feels like my eyes are boiling out of the sockets.)

UV Index: 9 High
Dew Point: 45°F
Humidity: 11%
Visibility: Unlimited
Pressure: 29.82 inches and falling
Wind: Variable at 6 mph

I may starve to death. Please send Ho-Ho's.
Cancer Free until 2083!

Normally I try not to drift toward potty humor, but...

Although I am not sure he'll want to be credited with this one, Randy sent me this link. Thank you, Australian Scientists, for giving me a reason to get that subscription which Jamie has so long denied me. Plain brown wrappers, I eagerly await your arrival.
Here's an interesting device.

You know, both Mel and Jeff are noisy animals. I think that they have deciphered that noise tends to get our attention, and thus, they make noise. The cat is especially bothersome when he decides at 6:30am on Saturdays that we have slept long enough and yowls at the bedroom door. But one has to wonder, what is my dog saying?

he's saying "Hey!" that's what dogs are saying when they bark. They may be saying "Hey, I'm at the door," or "Hey, there's a dog outside the window" or even "Hey, give me a treat," but all they are saying is "Hey!"

It's my assumption that this is also what the cat is saying, but it's hard to say. As chatty as Mel is, Jeff tends to just sit in the center of the room and yowl in existential despair. I like to think that if I invest in this little box, it will decipher's Jeff's great unease with the world and give me greater insight into what it is that troubles him so. Will he be proclaiming that "God is dead and all is a meaningless void!" or will he be whining for his fish kippers? All I know is that in order to find out, I have to drop $75.
I'm still getting hits trickling in from people looking for nude pics of Ann Coulter. I think I had one or two yesterday and one today. Well, done, America.

A LITTLE HUMPDAY PICK-ME UP

Here's something I wouldn't encourage people to do.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

VIVA LANCE!!!!

As a former Austinite, I get excited about bicycles once a year during the Tour de France. Austin's own Lance Armstrong is going for victory number 5 in this most grueling of human tests. While I think riding a bicycle for a living is as silly as walking for a living, I still get really jazzed about this guy.

Whether he actually wins or not on this go-round, Lance is an amazing athlete, and he also, apparently drives a Subaru. But Lance is also the brains or at least the mouthpiece for the Lance Armstrong Foundation. Lance had a nasty bout with cancer many years ago and he came through it with flying colors, and he's always used his prominence as the World's foremost cyclist to promote awareness of cancer research and to promote the US Postal Service.

So hurrah, Lance, and best of luck.

Welcome back RHPT

Randy has blogged once more! He's returned to the world of navel gazing and spouting off of partially founded opinions. Welcome back, mi amigo. Es bueno.
I could not tell you why, but this post on JimD's blog is absolutely hysterical. Maybe you have to have been following Jim's blog for a while to find it funny, but I had to share.
I just got my paycheck, and immediately checked it to see how the tax cut was supposed to effect me. I was especially curious after the flap occuring around RHPT.com's post from a few weeks ago about his tax cut. Randy had noted a $20 increase.

I noted a loss of $1.20. C'est la vie.

My beautiful wife Jamie has taken it upon herself to learn the guitar. I am quite pleased with her choice as she has chosen a hobby which does not require me to lose any square footage in our house, nor does it require me to pay out for the feeding and maintenance of a hoofed mammal. Previously, Jamie has been a voracious reader, and avid taunter of the cat. Now she is cursing like a sailor while trying to learn how to tune her Alvarez.

I am not musically inclined. I played piano for a year when I was 7. For two years in middle school I played the Tuba, but found it was only adding to the malaise of being labeled "nerd boy" by much of my middle school. I have no ear for music, and it was all too late that I realized what a neat trick for picking up girls a guitar can be.

At any rate, I wish Jamie the best of luck in her new endeavor. We are truly rocking out to such hits as "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and "Jingle Bells".

Monday, July 14, 2003

ANN COULTER NUDE!!!!

Well, I got my first hit from someone looking for pics of Ann Coulter in her birthday suit. On 7/14/2003 at 2:07:37 PM logged the first of what I hope to be many such inquiries. I posted at 1:13pm on Friday, so that'll give you an idea how long it took.

Congratulations America. You made it thru the weekend without anyone resorting to this.
He may have been dead for a century, but having watched this performance, I think Beyonce's dancing is something Grant would have firmly supported.
God speaks to each of us in different ways. TO some of us, He calms us in our moments of turmoil. Others He calls to duty. To Deion Sanders He has spoken and asked him to be really, really cheap and kind of bizarre.
I took an animation class in the final year that the University of Texas at Austin offered a non-digital animation selection. The course taught me quite a bit about film making beyond the boundaries of animation, but it also taught me a Zen-like patience that previously eluded me. You see, animation has traditionally been captured one frame at a time. There are, in traditional film, 24 frames in a single second of film. In order to create the illusion of motion on a large screen, in a single second, 24 images have ticked by. It's called Persistence of Vision.

This means that for every second of an animated film that you watch, 24 times a crew has replaced the image you are currently seeing with the next image in an exacted order. The next image is a minor and minute change, but absolutely essential to the illusion of "realistic" motion. In addition to this, these images must synchronize lip movements in a way that not only matches the audio track (usually of someone speaking), but also must match the shapes our lips create when pronoucning certain consonant noises and vowel sounds that we each intuitively recognize.

Also, timing must be determined for the length of a movement, a realistic bounce must be put into a walk cycle, and one must know exactly how many frames are funniest from an anvil entering a fram to crushing Elmer Fudd (13 frames). Each background must be drawn in detail for these animated characters to dance across. Each time an angle changes, a new background must also be produced. During filiming, each frame is documented as to which "cell" has been shot, how far the camera has been tilted, zoomed, panned, etc... and stored for later retrieval in case something goes wrong and you must do it all over again.

The process is meticulous, it is obsessive and the end results are all too infrequently the ones that the film makers were hoping for. But the two months I spent drawing each cell of a 2 minute animation (which had no beginning, middle or end to it) was possibly the most rewarding portion of my entire film school career. For two months, each night I had to draw the same characters over and over and over in slight changes in positioning, with the slightest alteration in form and movement. I cheated in the end and used photographs for my backgrounds, and I certainly had no desire to attempt dialogue. But i did it. Totally on my own, I created and drew two minutes of character animation. The beats flowed more or less how I wanted them to, and I forgave myself the sliding motion in the walk cycle, because it was STILL a walk cycle.

For two months, I was viewing the world at 24fps. I could see each move I made in the most minute detail. I counted parts of a second from a glass falling to it striking to the shards ceasing their bouncing. I watched not just how long my hands moved, but how they moved, and I watched people's eyes in detail, because how long was too long for one of my own two cartoon creations to look upon one another?

At the screening, no one knew what we had done in that class. Our animation was described as crude and unsubtle. Or it wasn't "funny." My classmates who had shown so little interest in the course from day one did lazy little projects with charcoal and paper. "I did mine all in one night!" one guy bragged to me. I just nodded. The audinece liked his charcoal smudge better than my "traditional" animations. Fair enough. "But you just dissolved between existing drawings..." "You could have done that." And I agreed.

The next year there was no animation course taught, and when it was reborn, it was a modern digital animation course, more interested on effects and generating titles for other folks' student films. And I'm sure they all worked really hard. But they didn't do anything. The computer did it.

I tried digital and couldn't get into it. It was too cold and the rules of engagement had changed. You plotted what you wanted and walked away from the computer to let it render. Gone were the mad evenings spent leaning over a light table tracing one frame from the previous, gone was the midnight to 4:00am slot on the Oxberry. Gone was the chance to try some new madness as your mind explored the mysteries of what makes up a second, and seeing what you could press yourself to do. They were creating new worlds without worrying about how the world they lived in worked. How does sand fall? You don't watch sand, you find a plug-in online. How does someone run? Don't watch them... find a walk cycle in a user-group and accelerate. If you're lucky, it'll add some jiggle to her breasts.

I miss the old tools. Those things used to work. They could be beautiful and wonderful, and nothing... not one shot for even one one moment was ever taken for granted. Everything was plotted and planned and dreamt of. Each hand which went into the projects found their own way to add something unique, something the artists could perform at especially well. They couldn't always improvise, but they could add touches, flourishes that only a mind at an easel will dream up after drawing the same face too many times.

This was supposed to be about why I wasn't a fan of the new MTV produced Spider-Man cartoon, but I think I'll save that for later, or I'll leave you to seek it out and draw your own inferences. I'm going to go track down my old film school reeel and have a good laugh. That cartoon is just god awful, but it's mine.


Sunday, July 13, 2003

PIRATES!!!!

Arrgghh, mateys! I saw Pirates of the Caribbean just now! Shiver me timbers, it was worth me $5.50, says I.