Monday, February 09, 2004

Did anyone else see Teen Titans this weekend on Cartoon Network? It was both completely hilarious and as scary as anything else I've seen on TV in months. And it had an opening scene villain I can only assume was supposed to be Harry Knowles.

But the best part was Cyborg's reaction to the realization that his candy was, in fact, "evil." Dwayne McDuffie is a genius.

Randy was right about this series from day 1. I now look forward to it as much as I do new Justice League episodes. I need Tivo so I can always have episode of Teen Titans, Justice League and Static Shock on hand. Ah, screw it. I watch too much TV as it is.
Melbotis writes:

Dear Jim,

Today Mel was hanging out very bored

this is Mel at League HQ

When all of a sudden Killer Croc showed up

Killer Croc is trapped in plastic

Stupid cat came to see Croc

Jeff says: Hooperee dooperee

Then Gorn lizard man come by to give tips

The Gorn advises: don't underestimate Shatner!

Then other Killer Croc come by

The other Killer Croc feels like a lesser croc, and this makes him angry

Mel was happy for free stuff from Loyal Leaguers


First Nathan send press materials from new DVD release, Comic Book: The Movie

The League meant to find this movie this weekend, but spaced out and forgot.

Then Jim send Croc


Where will Croc live?


Maybe with Caped Crusader and pals?


Croc tired of being in package...


Jeff check to see if Croc OK...

Jeff's report: Jlippy jloopy jloooooo

Batman swing by to give directions


Croc find home among many other friends from horrible Gotham City


Thanks to Jim for making this ridiculously pointless photo essay possible. The League extends it's eternal gratitude.

Sunday, February 08, 2004

Julius Schwartz, the great Silver Age editor of all things Superman, has merged with the infinite.

Julie Schwartz edited well before my time, and just barely into it. I was always more familiar with his work from reprints and collected editions, but just a few years of fandom, and it's hard not to know what a personal and creative influence Julie was on so many.

RIP, Julie, and thanks for everything. Up, up and away.

More anecdotes are included on this same page.
Congratulations to my former co-workers at the Faculty Innovation Center at the University of Texas at Austin. These guys work really hard, are chronically underpaid, and put up with an insane amount of nonsense. Why? because basically they like each other and can't imagine not being a part of that team.

Some public recognition was doled out last week.

I'm going to go ahead and quote from an e-mail Juan Diaz, Video Producer, sent out to many, many people this weekend.

"WEP: Engineering 109" took the Silver Award yesterday, at the awards ceremony in the Palmer Events Center.

In case you are not aware the ADDY awards are the advertising industry's equivalent of the Oscars. Ad campaigns compete initially at the local level, and the local winners eventually compete at the national level. This year's national ADDY awards ceremony will be in Dallas, TX. on June 12. The local competition was hosted by the Austin Ad Federation.

We at the Faculty Innovation Center have been working very hard to produce these commercials for the College of Engineering, and it is very rewarding to know that we are competitive with organizations like GSD&M, Milkshake Media, and Fd2S.


Anyway, congrats, FIC. It's a real pleasure to see you guys getting some recognition for your work!

See the Faculty Innovation Center Website here.

You can download the video off the Women in Engineering Program website. I think it's the download over there on the right.

Friday, February 06, 2004

I keep meaning to post about this, the world's best new show.
Jim D. is set to be an uncle. Can I get away with calling him Unky J? Most likely, no, I may not.

I saw Bowie last night. You did not.

Thursday, February 05, 2004

Leaguers, RHPT.com has posted that he does not ever get free schwag from his many readers. I do, upon occasion, receive items, but I try to keep it an even exchange.

But it's getting to be a bit dull here at League of Melbotis HQ. So you all know what that means: Contest time.

New Contest: A present for Randy!

We at The League all like RHPT.com and enjoy his frequent postings, and so we, at The League, have decided that we will buy Randy a present and send it to him. However, we also strongly suspect Randy makes more money than The League, so what to buy him...?



Here are the rules:

1) The League is not made out of money. Limit gift cost to a reasonable amount unless you wish to foot the bill.
2) Suggestion must not be obscene. Unless particularly funny and easy to find.
3) Must not require League to give credit card number to shady and anonymous source.
4) Entries must include at least one complete sentence explaining why Randy needs the gift you name.

I'm not going to put a fixed price on the gift suggestion. But let's not go nuts here. And let's try to give Randy something to look forward to. Do not send entries you do not want to see printed like "Let's give Randy a punch in the eye, because he's a bastard." That one will come back to haunt you. I promise.

Send entries to: Melbotis buys Randy a cheap gift.

Viva la Randy.

Oh, winners get, say... I don't know. We'll figure it out later.

I've actually had this problem when I've been on video shoots. The sound is REALLY annoying. And I wasn't mixing audio for the President. Essentially, the problem is that two wireless mics starting interfering with each other's signal, creating an odd feedback loop. It's difficult to deal with, and the first time it happened, I had no idea it was happening. Totally sucked.
what's new in fashion.... Seriously.
Too bad most people don't own the mineral rights under their houses.
My most important news is that Killer Croc showed up yesterday in the mail. Folks, if you ever question the fact that Jim Dedman is a good egg, you may look no further than the Killer Croc action figure which I now have in my possession.

I got home last night, and the box was sitting on the couch. Whomever Jim procured the figure from knew his card rated gradings for action toys. Because the box was really exceptionally large, and it was so filled with foam, i had to dig around to find the toy.

Jamie was doing her exercise routine when I opened the box, so she missed the grand unveiling.
"Where's Killer Croc?"
"He's in my office. On the stool. In the package."
She toddled off.
"He looks like Godzilla!"
"Indeed."
now, I wanted to take digital photos and post them up, but we recently bought a new computer, and our now archaic digital camera does not jive with Windows XP. I've been working with Camedia and Olympus to revive the thing, but it may be of no use.
Nontheless, I want to show Croc in all his glory, so he hasn't made it out of the "blister" packaging yet. As soon as I can take some photos, i will. I need to put Croc into context and truly reveal that which is the Fortress of Nerditude.

That, and I was insane crazy tired when I got home last night, and I was in bed by 9:00.

Here is a photo I found online of the Killer Croc figure.
Tonight I go to see David Bowie here in Phoenix. It's been an extraordinarily long time since I've gone to a show. Almost two years, I think. I had tickets to both Peter Gabriel and Beck, and on both occasions, other matters came up and I couldn't go. Which was expensive and irritating.

I saw Bowie around the fall of 1995. It was my controversial first date with Jamie, which she still claims was not a date. Which i understand.

a) I was seeing someone else at the time
b) My brother invited himself along without asking if it were okay

My brother called me a few hours before I was to go to the show to see what I was up to. I explained I was going to see Bowie, and that Nine Inch Nails was to be the first band to play. He knew full well they were playing at South Park Meadows in Austin, which has no real capacity. Plus, he asked who I was going with.
"Jamie."
Look, I knew about three or four Jamie's at the time, so he assumed it was a different Jamie, which is okay. But then said, "Okay. Well, i'm going to get a ticket, and we'll go down there together."
Which was probably good.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing Bowie once again under less awkward circumstances and from a much closer proximity. I think Macy Gray is opening for him, a singer who I think is okay, but who I only think about when she pops up for a few seconds in Spider-Man.

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

Usually articles on prisoner abuse aren't that funny, but I liked this line:

"They assumed it wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal," Walker said, explaining that officers and deputies also practiced using the Taser on one another to "experience the incapacitating voltage it administers."

Okay. Now, I'm no expert on electiricity, but I used to fix the ski-ball machines during my tenure at Chuck E. Cheese (circa 1990). I can tell you this: it hurts like a bastard when you get electrified by the ski-ball machine. it's all tingly and weird. And it creeps up on you. You may not even notice it at first until you're like "hey, my heart stopped!" Anyway, again, I'm no expert on electrity, nor am I a law-enforcement officer, but who wouldn't pay $5.00 to watch a bunch of corrections officers hitting each other with 50,000 volts? We're missing out on a real opportunity for syndicated TV here.
And thanks once again to Shoemaker! Here's a story from Onion AV on Alex Ross, comic artist extraordinaire.
Today is going to suck. It started sucking at 9:45 last night. Hurray.
All students are bastards.

Here is an article on comics, including a brief history and a "state of the industry" report.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

It appears Emily is hopped up on goofballs as she continues in her misguided, yet relentless pursuit to join with the forces of evil.
Apparently Emily rates qualified indifference on part of both pet and owner as a desirable trait in her pet of choice, the house cat. While convenient, it's that same indifference which makes cats the less loyal and less loving of animals. The other qualities Emily describes also fit dogs to a "T", as well.

Prior to Mel, here is a list of animals I've played host to for long enough to describe the animals as pets:

2 dogs (Puffy and Misty)
1 cat (Jeff)
innumerable fish
2 gerbils (Leonard Nimoy and Richard M. Nixon)
1 hamster (Sandy)
2 Guinea Pigs (Speedy and I don't remember)
2 rabbits (Skeeter and Skooter)
1 Boa constrictor (Baby Boa)
2 turtles (Hurdle and Floyd)
1 Python (Perry the Python)
1 Iguana (Flash)
2 hermit crabs
2 fire newts (Zap and I don't remember)
2 other lizards (Exit and I don't know)
1 tarantula (Mr. Crawly)

In short, I've had the pets which you can ignore. Give me 116 pounds of Golden Retriever anyday. Good 'ol Mel. Hope he's not too bored at home.

Hopefully Emily can turn away from the abyss of feline despair before it's too late.
In response to my query, Emily posts about her lack of desire to allow Randy to become the proud co-habitant of man's best friend.
Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

Are you single? I know a cute golden retriever named "Princess" who I think you would like. She's only two years old, and is very friendly and outgoing. She loves to play and she lives with about 4 cats, so she shares your pain. The only problem is that Princess lives in Franklin, TN. Will that be a problem?



Randy


Dear Randy,

Mel have swinging bachelor lifestyle Mel very content with. Mel not certain Mel can make committment of long term relationship when Mel mostly confined to backyard and house. TN sounds like far off scary place with no vowels. As much as Mel would like to sniff at Princess and possibly steal Princess toys, Mel not sure if Princess would be right for Mel. Mel mostly introverted and like to stay home and get chubby man attention. Just last night Mel refused to leave chubby man alone, so mel got lots of petting. "Leave me alone! Go bother Jamie!" said chubby man, but I know he is just kidding, so mel put paw on him and really lean into him then.
"Fine. You want a milkbone?" said chubby man. And then my tail start wagging, which tell mel that Mel must be excited. So Mel run again to cabinet to show chubby man where milkbone is in case chubby man forgot. Then Mel go outside.
If Princess feel this lifestyle suit Princess, then that okay. Mel not really sure what to do with girlfriend anyway since Mel have "procedure".
Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

After reading some of your responses, I detect a note of resentment against Jeff the cat. Am I correct? And if so, why do you hate Jeff? Is it some deep instinctive thing or does it have something to do with your mother?


Dear Randy,

Mel has thought about Randy questions. Cat is mean bitey thing that bite Mel leg and bottom just because Mel pass by. Cat only nice to Mel when cat is cold. Stupid cat. To do with mother? Mel think that sometime a cat is just a cat.
Ever a fan of the democratic process, the League trotted off to our local polling place this morning to vote in favor of the Reverend Al Sharpton in the Arizona Democratic Primary. The League is keeping it's collective fingers crossed that The Reverend is able to pull it out in Arizona!

Our polling place was a small Baptist church off the side of a road. Jamie and I pulled in and looked at the church, and while it looked like a light or two might be on, evidence of democracy in action seemed... less than forthcoming.

"Is it open yet?"
Jamie looked at her little flyer we got in the mail. "Six A.M. until-"
"Man, not many democrats out in Chandler..." I whistled.
I think subconsciously Jamie and I had agreed not to tell one another who our candidate of choice was. I turned to her and said "I have no idea who you're voting for."
"Yup." she nodded.
There was a guy leaving as we came in, and there at the table were, I think, 6 volunteers. And somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 "booths". And the two of us.
I needlessly produced my registration card and looked at the huge book of registered voters in our area.
I gave my name and got the shortest ballot I'd seen since elementary school. Just one item to vote on, but holy cow, were there a lot of names on that list. A tear trickled down my cheek as I realized Braun is no longer running, and thusly removing the opportunity to elect a person who seems like the world's best next door neighbor.
Anyway, I put in my vote for the Reverend, and off we went.
But, yeah... I would love to know how many votes total come out of our precinct, because my polling place was a cold and lonely place.
In Austin we got to vote at the elementary school down the street, which was utterly invigorating. it appeared almost everyone walked to the school from the area, and stood in line kind of grinning. No nervous apprehension at our polling place! Kids filed by and hand drawn pictures were tacked to the wall. People didn't talk much, and nobody was shouting about their candidate, but it was fun to just know we were all their to participate together.
Okay, I'm a nerd and I like to vote.

Monday, February 02, 2004

Meant to thank Jeff via e-mail for this link, but my mail keeps getting returned to me.

Love this stuff.
genius
The potential for FCC violation was enough for me to believe that the whole "janet shows her boob" thing didn't go down as planned.

Now, having reviewed The Drudge Report today, I fully believe the thing was pre-planned in some way or other, but it just seems like such an ill-conceived publicity stunt, and that SURELY those involved had to know it would end badly... Or, at least, how this was going to play in living rooms in middle-America.

But reviewing the footage leads to the almost inescapable conclusion that Timberlake was intentionally tearing at the outfit. Whether Jackson herslef is involved is almost impossible to determine.

Again, one would wonder, if the boob's appearance were, in fact, intentional, were they really aware of how sad and boring their half-time show was that to make it exciting, they had to add a boob? Are Jackson's sales slumping so badly and her managers so uncreative that they've resorted to "shock" tactics?

I'm not sure it's the boob which is so surprising. It was the unnecessary addition which was the surprise. I mean, had Timberlake yelled "F**k Wisconsin!" at the end, I'd probably be just as obsessed with finding an anwer.
What was going on there? Did they think the FCC takes a nap on Superbowl Sunday? Did they not care? Is Jackson's career that bad? Does CBS really believe grown adults listen to Justin Timberlake and P. Diddy? Why do all Janet Jackson songs after Rythm Nation sound exactly alike? Was Nelly on fire? Was that a real flag Kid Rock cut up to wear as a poncho?

I dunno. I hate to break this to all of you marching band nerds and drill team pixies, but half-time is not actually meant to entertain you. Half-time is meant for going to the can and getting another hotdog. Let's keep it that way.
I keep telling myself I'm going to be famous for being the guy who has the kick-ass Groundhog Day party. But I've never had one. Groundhog Day, Arbor Day or President's Day. I mean, really give people something to look forward to.

Anyway, for those of us in the desert, an extended winter sounds great. Sorry, people who live in wintery, inhospitable climates. Us in the desert are totally excited about the prospect of a lengthier winter.

Happy Groundhog Day, Leaguers.
Would it be cruelty, evil or sheer bad temperament which would cause one person to prevent another from getting a dog? Dogs are good. Dogs poop in the yard instead of the litter box. Dogs protect your house and valuables. Dogs are sweet and pay attention to you. Dogs like to lay on the floor with you when you're tired. Dogs can make you happy. So what kind of twisted evil would prevent you from wanting to share your home with a dog? I cannot imagine. But it would make you a bad, bad person.
Randy continues to refuse to go to his reunion. Is he cowering in cowardly cowardice? I refuse to believe Randy cannot face his past. indeed. Randy should look at this as the opportunity to embrace that which he once loathed and dreaded. It is time for Randy to return to Houston and share the wisdom he has gained upon his journeys.
Okay, yes, it's a bit silly to get that pumped up about a boob. I do, after all, have cable.
Let me make clear here that what I was squealing like a drunk otter about had a lot more to do with some screwing up that badly on national TV. Scratch that. International TV.
Look, like the Oscars, I have a love/ hate relationship with the Superbowl. Most of the time, the game is deadly dull and the best part about it is that I've called in sick in advance, so I can nurse my hangover on Monday. The adage that "you watch it for the commercials" isn't very realistic anymore. Ad agencies got wise, and nobody blows money on these ads the way they used to. Or, at least, the new or interesting commercials get used up in the first 45 minutes (how about that Ford GT?).
And I hateses, I hateses the half-time show. Ever since David Copperfield lamed it up back around '89, I've been pretty wary of the whole enterprise. Jamie claims last year's half-time show was okay, but I'm still fixated on how abso-ludicrous the Britney Spears/ Aerosmith half-time show was two years ago. Seriously. It was awful.
The pre-show entertainment this year was cheesy and smarmy enough, but what was up with the Astronaut thing? I mean, really. It was great to see a shuttle crew, but two minutes before kick-off, nobody needs to be serenaded by Josh Groban (except my mum, who loves Groban). In fact, the Panthers may have cause to sue if they can prove it was Groban's serenade which made them lose the will to live, and thereby, the will to win the game. I wasn't sure what the angelic children's choir, Groban, NASA, some Apache helicopters and a stretching Tom Brady all had to do with each other, but the directors made sure I saw all of these things in a beautiful montage.
(***UPDATE *** okay, yes. I feel bad. It was, in fact, nice to remember the anniversary of the tragedy of the Space Shuttle Columbia's destruction over Texas. But... the astronaut guy... in the suit... on the elevator... then waving the flag while the flag kids ran around... and the kiddy choir... and Tom Brady stretching... c'mon. Work with me here.)
Anyway, this is the context of the Superbowl. Cheesy. Wholesome. Over-hyped. Uber-patriotic and fun for the whole family.
So if I find Janet Jackson's boob suddenly springing forth to somehow create some cognitive dissonance, you will have to forgive me. We are not the French. Yes, we Americans should all be more desensitized to the naked female form and not feel inclined to gouge out our own eyes for the sin of seeing the naked female flesh. But we are not desensitized. Especially when the form belongs to Janet Jackson. Performing with the heinous excuse for entertainment which is Justin Timberlake. At half-time. Of the Superbowl. Sigh. What do you want? It's MTV.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

I was originally going to hop online just to say "there's nothing like a Superbowl half-time show to make you weep for humanity", when the whole Justin/ Janet thing happened. And while it's only been about ten minutes, I understand that I was the second person to call my buddy in Austin who was TIVOing the show. My buddy also promised to have the footage online by tomorrow morning, so hopefully I'll know more then.

Sadly, Jamie was looking at the mustard she was putting on her hotdog and missed the whole thing. So, yeah, it was just me hopping up and down alone on the couch.

UPDATE: Jim sent me this link. Photos. PG-13 rated.

UPDATE 2: This just gets weirder and weirder.

Friday, January 30, 2004

kind of funny, especially the letters from the guy in the edit suite...
fun for me, fun for you.
Randy seems to be struggling with his demons from the past. He is refusing to go to his high-school reunion. And while I can empathize, I will still needle him endlessly until he joins our own Jim "Jimeroo" Dedman at their joint 10-year high-school reunion.

The League has been following pre-production and development rumors on a proposed WB produced Superman movie for the past few years. I've learned to quit listening, but yesterday I was rolling when I heard the rumor that Beyonce Knowles might be picked up to play Lois Lane. It's not that she could or couldn't do it.. it's just funny. Anyone who is labeled as "hot" is always mentioned for these things, and things get out of control. Unfortunately, from the movie "Batman Forever", we can see that these things can and do happen, and the result ain't that fantastic.

I've heard sets were being constructed at least five times, that studios were locked down for production to begin "anyday" for over a year, and nothing has yet happened.

What keeps creeping me out is the persistent rumor that uber-dork Ashton Kutscher (sp?) keeps getting mentioned for the role of Superman. I don't think I need to draw you a chart to point out the problems with this.

it is based upon this evidence that I am led to believe the Warner Bros. movie studio is largely run by horny chimpnazees.

Anyhoo...

For an actually pretty GOOD Superman movie, keep your eyes peeled at Target, etc... for the Superman: Last Son of Krypton video coming to DVD next Tuesday. It's the 3-part pilot from the animated series which ran while I was in college, and kind of continues to integrate into the current Justice League cartoon. THe parts on Krypton and Smallville are fantastic, and the story with the robot... ah, well, it's Superman. It's also a pilot for a TV show, so it doesn't exactly have a huge climax. But it's cool. Because it's SUPERMAN.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

And just because my ADD popped this into my head in the middle of class last night and almost made me start laughing out loud:

From Conan the Barbarian:

Mongol General: We have won again. That is good! But what is best in life?
Mongol Warrior: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair!
Mongol General: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the woman!
So yesterday I'm in a meeting with my director, who is a good guy, but busy enough that getting time with him can be like nailing jell-o to the wall. I'm not feeling well at all. I haven't been sleeping much lately and the pita I ate for lunch is strongly disagreeing with me. The topic of our conversation is not one which makes me particularly happy. And then one of my office-mates steps in and says the words I dread to hear:

"Ryan, there's a guy here to see you. He says his name is (oh, let's call him Steve Christmas). He says you don't know he's coming."

Leaguers, we are not on campus. We are off campus. We are in an office suite so difficult to find that we've lost client contracts due to the fact that the clients couldn't locate us. But Steve Christmas found me. And interrupted me in my very important meeting.

"Does he have a gun...?"
Rachel let out a weak laugh.
"Is he carrying a violin case?"
Nothing
So I stepped out of my meeting (which was very important) to meet Steve Christmas, who looked wild-eyed and pissed off.
Steve Christmas was upset. Very upset. So I sat him down in an unused office (but not mine) and looked him in the eye.
"So how can I help you?"
Leaguers, our business is based upon the notion that people pay a fee for their online courses. Yes, yes... terribly evil. And if you believe that, I have a gentleman name of Steve Christmas who would like to be your friend.
"Why can't I see the online lectures?"
"We have a differential fee--"
"I don't like the fact that my tuition pays for these online classes to go up and I can't take them!"
"No, the fees you just said you didn't want to pay for covers our expenses."
"Oh. Well, those fees are expensive!"
"They sure are."
"I think I should have access to the online classes!"
"Aren't you already in the on-campus section?"
"Yes, but I want to see the online lectures!"
"but aren't you usually in on-campus classes?"
"Yes, but the cost is too high. I don't understand why you would make me a second class student!"
"THe President of the University and the Dean--"
"right. They want to make money. I understand. But the faculty goes too fast!"
"Tell him to slow down."
"I will! It'll slow down the video! Your online students will hate it!"
"Well, you know if he's going too fast, everybody would-"
"They're not going to like it when I keep interrupting the video to slow him down!"
"okay..."
Anyway, Steve tore into me for only about ten minutes, as I tried to explain that I am, in fact, a government schill, and that if he didn't like the fees or being in a studio classroom, that maybe he should take it up with the Dean as my livelihood depended upon these fees and these studios.
"You know, you're making a commodity out of education!"
"...okay..."
"And just like all these tech jobs, somebody overseas is going to do this better than you, and cheaper!"
"...okay..."
"And you're going to be out of a job, just like all the tech people!"
"...okay..."
"I just hope, you know, you can live with that!"
"... okay... I'll try..."
"Because this isn't going to last."
"...okay..."
By now Steve Christmas was either naturally one twitchy guy, or he was shaking angry at me for just saying "...okay.." to every one of his dire visions of doom. And I wasn't feeling well, and I had a lot of other stuff to do.
"You should probably talk to the dean of academic affairs. i don't set policy."
"Oh, right. Like he'll see me."
"Well, I don't know. But I don't really make any of these decisions."
"So you're just here to get yelled at." (it was not a question.)
"Mostly."
"Well, i just want you to know, this isn't going to stand!"
"...okay..."
And the whole time I'm calculating the likelihood of this guy having a knife under his coat, because he's getting twitchier and twitchier. But at this point, twitchy Steve Christmas kind of left in a rush.
I guess my office mates heard the whole thing. I went back to the meeting and sat down.
"You did the right thing," my director said, nodding sagely.
"Oh yeah, what's that?"
"You didn't let him talk to me."
Ah, government.
And the best part is, now I have to keep one eye open in case Steve Christmas shows up again. Last semester it was just a petition to have me sacked. I can't wait to see how Crazy Steve Christmas takes it to the next level.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Shoemaker writes:

What time is love?

Sincerely,

Jeff



Dear Jeff,

Mel not exactly certain of concept of space or time. Mel confused by coming and going of people, but Mel use this to determine when things happen. For example. When radio come on all of a sudden when house is dark, is time for chubby man to let Mel go out to pee-pee. Then chubby man put on pants and go away. Lady come home at night and then she love me. Then man come home and play with Mel and toy.

What time is love?

Mel say you must leave that to Ancients of Mu Mu, but he suspect it around 3:00am.
Buffy writes:

Dear Melbotis,

i am writing to you as a last resort. i just don't know what to do anymore. everyday, i tell myself things are going to be different. i tell myself i can be good. but then i innocently wander into the laundry room and catch a glimps of black, white, or, especially, red satin. i turn my head away. i try desperately to pull myself out but then i figure one little sniff won't hurt. will it? just one little sniff of that precious piece just spilling over the top of the hamper. next thing i know i wake up four hours later, passed out, with my nose through the crotch of my mommy's underwear. when i realize what i've done, i panic. i hide it. underneath my bed, underneath her bed, underneath the couch. anywhere. and i tell myself it was only a momentary lapse. tomorrow i'll be good. oh! melbotis, what should i do? I can't take it anymore! i want to be a good girl, i really do. I just can't stop myself that from eating underwear crotches.


desperate to change,

buffy



Dear buffy,

Mel think Mel should preface response with assumption that buffy is a dog. If buffy is, say... a person... buffy beyond Mel's realm of experience. Mel has come to understand many publication can cater to your particular issue, but Mel probably not much help. Look for red, glowing sign reading "XXX". Mel thinks you stand to make good deal of money publishing in these magazines.

If buffy is dog, mel at least can try to help.

buffy, mel not particularly interested in much outside of ball, toy, towel, stupid dog next door, treat and two silly people with whom mel cohabitates. mel not have clothes aside from collar, but often see how people take them off and then go in shower place. In shower place, the people often begin to howl and yowl. When chubby man go in shower, often I hear him saying:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have
Been any clearer
If you wanna make the world
A better place
(if you wanna make the
World a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change
(take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change)
(na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)

Then man dry off with towel (but not fun chew towel), and rub his teeth with stick. He put on pants and say "goodbye, Mel. Be a good boy, today!" and Mel say "Okay" and then chubby man go away. Then white lady scream "Holy Christ! I'm late!" and run out door. And clothes smell like people, but so do everything else in smelly house, so mel don't much care. But he notice cat often sit in pants or hat. Es muy mysterioso.

So mel decide cat is formost expert on pants and chewing and ask cat "why for do you sit in the chubby man blue pant?" and cat say "Heeba weeba blah blah blue." So I try again. "Hey stupid cat-" but cat is rude and say "Wubba wubba woop woop wooooooo". Then cat try to bit me.

So mystery of panty must remain a mystery to Mel. how sad. but maybe your owner lady buy hamper and put clothes in drawer instead of leaving underwear out all over place. That mel suggestion.
Jamie woke up like a shot this morning and immediately declared "they're announcing the Oscar nominees!"

So we turned on the TV and dutifully watched Sigourney Weaver announce a few categories (they curiously didn't go into anything like "Best footwear in a Brazilan Industrial Video" or anything good).

Man, all I know is that on the eve of February 29th, I will be watching anything BUT the Oscars. I haven't seen, nor do I plan to see, any but three of the movies even mentioned.

I realize, I just don't care anymore. Let these maroons go pat themselves on the back and take up 8 hours of network time. I simply, absolutely, do not care who wins, or how pretty somebody's dress is. Thank god they aren't dragging it out for two months this year. Ugh.

Ask people "who won the Nobel Prize in Literature this year? Who won it for physics?" and they mock you. Ask them what dress Nicole Kidman had and they can tell you the color and designer.

I weep for the human species.

Monday, January 26, 2004

The Old Man kicks ass...

He's waiting for my mom to come out of the recovery room, and he's ansty but bored so he starts telling me about this book he's reading. The Old Man is reading Neal Stephenson's Cryptonomicon.

My Mom (The Kare Bear) is having back surgery this morning. I'm feeling a little stressed. She has really bad scoliosis, and they need to straighten her out so that when she's a little old lady, she's not shaped like a "v".



Anyhoo, they say she will take like a month to recover enough to even be mobile. Given the Kare Bear's usually hyper kinetic demeanor, this should be fun for The Old Man. The Old Man is taking time off from work to tend to the Kare bear, which should be interesting, because The Old Man finally merged with his job and became the Voltron of Finances for an oil company a few years ago. He may be a bit defenseless without his laptop and stat sheets.

I hope to get to Houston soon. In fact, I should probably buy tickets today. I need to be there, but my folks basically told me to not come, but it took me a long time to realize it was not a passive-aggressive attempt to get me to be there.

Brother Jason will go, then Cousin Sue. Then last but not least, shall be me. So hopefully I will be able to entertain The Old Man and put a smile on Recoverin' Kare Bear's face.

Anyone willing to wish my mum a "get well soon" may send her a message via Mel, and Mel will compile them for her.

Breakin' and poppin' with Pope John Paul
It's reasons like this that I'm almost embarassed to live in a democracy...

You never saw Stalin feeling he had to claim the Joementum.
More TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE...

There's nothing really wrong with this, it's just kind of funny.

Sunday, January 25, 2004

TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE

Thanks to Jim for this entry: Giant, adorable microbes

Friday, January 23, 2004

ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT

Killer Croc has been located. You may end your searches now.

THanks for all the hard lookin'.
Popeye turns 75.

Popeye cartoons don't run like they did years ago on TV. I used to watch a lot of Popeye, and several months ago I remember talking to Jamie about Popeye, and she was utterly baffled.

"The Jeep. You know, the Jeep?"
"The car?"
"No, the Jeep! I think they actually named the car AFTER the Jeep. I loved the Jeep when i was a kid."
"No idea."
"And the Sea Hag and that weird thing which ran around after Popeye..."
"Wasn't he just a sailor?"
"Popeye? Well, he was that and so much more..."
"I remember Bluto and Olive Oyl."
"Well, sure."
"I don't remember any Sea Witch."
"It was a weird show. i think that thing was called 'a Goon'."

So let's all wish Popeye a happy birthday, and thank him for letting us know that when we're down, all you need to do is look yourself in the eye and remember "I yam what I yam."
Now go eat some spinach for Popeye.
Godspeed, oh Captain, my Captain!
CNN is running a banner ad telling people they can get 3D glasses and see 3D images of Mars (which looks suspiciously like Southern Arizona). But when you go to their site, it leads to a kiddy craft site which REALLY tells you the secret is to have blue and red cellophane.

Bullsh**t!

I don't have blue and red cellophane! Who the hell has blue and red cellophane? Aaron Brown can stick his blue and red cellophane up his blow-dried (censored due to the League's Mom Friendly content rule)!!!!!!
Jim writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Are we just subject to the whims of the fates, or is there free will?


Dear Jim

Mel think about question and he puzzle over for many hour. But Mel think that Mel wake up when radio come on in bedroom, and Mel cannot go potty until alarm go off in bedroom. And Mel not able to open glass door to backyard. So mel must wait for chubby boy-man to open back door. Once in yard, Mel may go pee pee, or Mel may lay in grass and chew on foot. And sometime Mel allowed into house all day where mel sleep on couch, and other time, Mel not allowed on couch. And still other time, Mel stuck outside. But never Mel decision. mel suspects correlation between rain and sunshine, but not quite figure out yet.
Sometime chubby man say "get your fat ass outside!", but Mel just stand and stare at him until chubby man say "Oh, screw it. Now you're stuck inside."
But inside and outside, mel know he have rule to follow. But sometime Mel cannot help Melself, like when Mel inside too long and must pee. mel must pee on carpet. othertime, mel outside and stupid neighbor dog bark at fence, so Mel bark bark bark bark bark until neighbor dog go away. Then cubby man stick head out door and say "Mel! Knock it off, man!" But then stupid neighbor dog coem jump up fence and bark bark bark so Mel bark bark bark... stupid neighbor dog. THen chubby man stick head out door and say "All right, smart guy... get in here!" and Mel must go inside.
Stupid cat does whatever cat want and nobody seem to care.



Jim also writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Is this as good as it gets?


Dear Jim,

Sometime after Mel been dirty for long time, chubby man comes around and says "Get in the tub." And then he point at tub, so I get in tub, and then it kind of wet and cold and slippery, but when Mel come out, Mel is wet. So then white lady is screaming "get outside! get outside!" and chubby man laughs and laughs and laughs. And then Mel wet for a while. But then warmsunshine dry mel off, and man shows up with brushy thing, gives Mel treat and brush Mel, and that as good as it gets.
Okay, confession time, Leaguers. I collect action figures. I know. It's totally nerdy, but it's my obsession and it falls in with me being an even bigger nerd than just a comic collector.

Sigh. Okay. Everyone cool? No.? Shut up.

because I need your help.

I can't find frikkin' Killer Croc anywhere. He's a Batman villain, and Mattel recently released a toy of Killer Croc, but due to the way the toy industry works, Croc has been "short packed". This means that if a store gets a crate of Batman toys, it will have, like, 5 "Fightin' Ninja" Batmans, 5 "Neon Pantsuit" Batmans, 4 "Undersea Clambake" Batmans, and then one "Killer Croc". Apparently only collectors buy the villains, so toy companies short change the stores in every box. This sounds like hogwash to me. I had every Imperial Trooper I could get my hands on when i was a kid. I think they're mistaking dumb, lame villains not selling for villains not selling. Anyhow, end rant...

Here's what Killer Croc looks like. If you see him, let me know. Finding Mr. Freeze was next to impossible, but I did it. I know if we work together, Killer Croc is mine!!!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2004

You know, sometimes it's just easier to just put down the crackpipe than get taken in by things like this...

An attorney i know tells me two of his clients were busted using this self-same device.
Bird Bird Bird, she drops the F-Word! On NAZIS!!!!

thanks to Jim.
Powell's admission here is something which makes him all the more human, and we must love him for it.

I, too, once hated the French. But then along came my own personal Frenchman. His name was Abtine, and he was a very confused Frenchman newly arrived to the United States. I hired him as a student worker (despite the fact he had shown up at my office by mistake while looking for a job at a completely different university office).

"I like the cut of your jib, Frenchy!" I told him. "And you don't smell as bad as advertised!"
Abtine had no idea what i was talking about, just smiled politely and took the job.
"Your people are a smelly, diagreeable people!" I told him.
"Oh?" he would say.
"Yes! Smelly and disagreeable. Yet they make a nice Statue of Liberty, and I enjoy croissants! Explain!"
"I do not know!"
"We'll figure it out together, Frog-man!"
And so we did.
And I came to love my little Frenchman, so full of the joie de vivre was he!
When he went home, he brought me back a nifty snowglobe of the Eiffel Tower. I had provided him with a portrait of him that he could show to his mother.
"Notice the baguette in one hand, Frenchy! And the glass of wine in the other! I've also added a curly mustache, although you do not have one."
"Perhaps I should grow one."
"I think we'd all like that. Get to it."
We gave Abtine a new nickname as "Frenchy" only partly covered who he really was, and so he became "Titine (Tee-Teen), the Frenchman."
Titine came to love this wonderful country of ours, and I came to understand not all Frenchman are smelly ingrates. Especially not my Titine. I miss him so.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

when students fail to grasp the concept of tenure...

Randy Writes:

Why would Superman need a supermobile? Isn't he already super without a car? I can understand Batman's need for a batmobile and a batplane, but Superman? Isn't a Supermobile just plain redundant?



-Randy

Why, yes Randy. I actually had a toy of the Supermobile when I was a wee tot, and I asked myself these very same questions... And I remember my brother saying "Dummy..." (He always started with "Dummy"). "Dummy," he said, "What if he has to fly into an asteroid field full of Kryptonite?"

Ahhhhh...., I thought. Bullshit.

Anyway, it seems Corgi toys wanted to make a Superman themed toy, but they did pretty much just vehicles. So they thought up something Superman could use, because a car seemed REALLY impratical for the Man of Steel. What I remember about the tiny toy is that it had little chormed fists that shot out with the push of a button. Ah, the Supermobile.
Thanks again to Jim for yet another Sci-Fi'd vehicle posting. May the force be with you on the 101.

One wonders if I actually bought Superman seat covers, what else I would need to do to turn my car into the Supermobile?

For those about to rock New Hampshire, we salute you. See, the League's candidate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, should have gotten the Isley Brothers to do something for his delirious concession speech. Oh, and Charlie Brown...
Once again, the President has personally inconvenienced me and those close to me. Jamie cannot go to her doctor's sppointment today because the Secret Service is shutting down the area near her hospital because Bush is speaking at the Community College down the street.

What next, Mr. President? What diabolical scheme will you launch to slightly inconvenience us next time?
The semester kicked off for me in two ways yesterday. Yes, I work at a University, so I still think in terms of semesters and summer break and whatnot.

We launched somewhere in the nighborhood of 45 classes yesterday with quite a few students enrolled in our online programs. I am now managing not just my usual team of three full-timers, co-managing a few others, and lording over my my three student programmers, but I have also taken on 8 studio techs and I need to hire one or two more. (if anyone knows anybody who is available from 7:30-1:30, TTh, Arizona time, I'd appreciate a shout).

Wow. I am full of power. And I still do my own photocopying!

I also began the second course of my masters program. Hoo-ahhh... Busy day. Anyway, at least I know two people in my masters class and they're both people I liked from my previous course. Now let's see if I learn anything.
Jim has forwarded me the image of the coolest minivan EVER. We all need our own personal Galileo.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

the crosswalk sign at University and Forest in Tempe says "Walk Light is on." But if you aren't listening closely, you'll think it says "Walk like a dog."

Also, the guy who played Sam in Lord of the Rings is the son of Gomez Addams. We live in a strange, funny world.
Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

Is it better to have love and lost than to not have loved at all?


Dear Randy,

Mel have pondered question for long time and now ready to answer. But before Mel answer, Mel consult many around him. Chubby man-boy thing say "Who is a good boy?" to Mel. And Mel say "Mel!" And he ask again "Who is a good boy?" and I say "MEL!!!!!!" and he say, "You are, Mel! You are a good boy! Now have a milkbone." and I know that chubby man-boy thing love me.

And I ask stupid dog next door "what is love?" and dog say "bark bar bark bark I am stupid bark bark bark".

So I ask cat, and cat say "Jeff love many thing. Jeff love blanket, stuffed hippo, cushion on couch and anything Jeff can get paw on." So Mel sleep with one eye open.

So Mel ask white lady "What is love?" and lady say "who is good boy?" and I say "MEL!" and she say "Good boy! Shake!" and Mel give her paw. And that seem okay. So then Mel think, white lady and chubby man-boy thing put Mel in jail not so long ago, and nobody there but many stupid dog who bark bark bark, and that kind of sucked. So no love, Mel think like laying on cement and having to listen to stupid dog bark bark bark all day. And Mel not sure when he escape, but Mel does, and then all better.

For cat, no love mean being chased away from cushion or pillow or blanket, and then maybe no love at all better.

So, Randy, if by love, you mean love blanket and pillow and stuffed hippo, then mel say, better never to love at all.
Jim Lee takes over art chores on Superman with issue #204 beginning in April. Lee is responsible for the greatest selling issues of X-Men ever, as well as the tremendous "Hush" storyline in Batman from last year.

Supergirl's introduction continues in Superman/ Batman #9 in April. I love Turner's art. I need to figure out what else the guy has done. (and, as my pal Erik "Zoomy" Zumalt pointed out, you can tell how crazy batman is by the length of his ears. Adam West... not so crazy...)
Maxwell writes:

Dear Melbotis,

My mother in law also writes an advice column. However, unlike your advice column, she has decided to let her other schizophrenic personalities join her in answering questions. I have noticed that your advice column is very successful, in some ways even more successful than my crazy mother in law's (and I mean "crazy" in the most endearing of ways. She does have three or four personalities, evidently.) own column. For instance, nobody writes to ask my mother in law for advice anymore, just one guy named Ryan who has been kind enough to send several questions. How does Melbotis manage to get so many questions? Also, can dogs be schizophrenic?

Thanks,

Maxwell


Dear Maxwell,

How to get so many question? Mel think that many people not have fulfilling life like Mel and need guidance. And Dr. Phil much more difficult to get hold of.

But how answer so many question tricky part. Mel have very busy schedule! First, Mel go outside and poo and then lay down in grass. Then Mel lay there all day until white lady come home and pet me on head. THen I bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Later, Mel eat and wag tail. Then chubby man come home and pet Mel on head. Then chubby man goes into closet and change pants which is sight to behold. Then Mel follow man around house until man find Mel toy and shake it at Mel face and say "Here's your damn toy. Now will you piss off so I can sit down for two minutes?" So Mel try to play with toy and drop it on chubby man until he play with Mel. This consist of Mel trying to remove teeth by gripping tightly to toy while chubby man lean backward.

Then Mel go outside and bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Then white lady go to bed and Mel get milkbone and go outside.

How to keep schedule of answer question? Mel not sure, but it real pleasure. Also, cat is ghost writer.

Is dog schizophrenic? We not know.
Finally, an exercise show with people sharing my physique, but with no Richard Simmons!

Monday, January 19, 2004

Well done, pollsters. You saw this one coming a mile away.
It's not looking good for The League's candidate of choice, the Reverend Al Sharpton. We sincerely hope that the good Reverend is able to pull ahead in the late hours of voting/ caucusing (or whatever the hell those Iowans are doing). However, should the good Reverend flop in the primaries, we are also excited about the notion of the good Reverend appearing in a future installment of The Surreal Life, possibly with Carrot Top, Cameo and Jenny McCarthy. I can dream, can't I?
further evidence that the Microsoft lawyers don't know when they're acting like maroons...

Sunday, January 18, 2004

Two new blogs we're linking to here at the League.

Big salute to Emily for her colorful entry into the mind-boggling world of public journaling. And also to Distorted Veracity, which Jim pointed me to, and who has more faith in Rick Barnes and Co then myself.

The League is feeling oddly uninspired as of late.

There is a cloud of professional doom hanging over The league's head which may be part of the consternation. Also, the fact that "Ask Melbotis" was lifted directly from "Ask Zelda" over on Maxwell's page seems more than a little disingenuous.

I went to sleep at 7:30pm on Friday after a very, very busy work week. 7:30! I haven't done that in years. Somehow on the way home it hit me that I was insanely tired. I came home, ate a sandwich (I don't even know where the sandwich came from) and sat on the couch looking at the TV, feeling awful "it's been thirty minutes, and I feel no less awful" I told myself. I looked at the clock. It had been 3 minutes.

"I'm butt-assed tired," I said to Jamie. "I am going to bed."

And then I slept for 12 long hours. Which was terrific, because I got up at 7:30 and felt totally great.

The weekend went okay. I saw a good movie. Jamie even watched Conan with me on DVD, and we took Mel out to the pseudo-park in our neighborhood.

All in all, very quiet. Very nice.

But tomorrow I am going into work even though the Federal holiday says I don't have to. Too much to do. The professional hammer threatens to drop.

I need to go to the dry cleaner, and I need to buy a black ink cartridge for my printer. And I need to clean my bathroom, which is just gross enough I don't even want to touch it with cleaning agents.

Oh, and I ordered a jacket from an online store for fat guys. Yeah, I'm 6'5" and fat. The Gap does not accomodate me, which I tell them every time I am waiting while Jamie selects jeans. And then the sales guy says "oh, we have big sizes!" and then tells me a size I wore last when I was 19. Then I threaten to eat the stupid sales guy's head. I measured myself today. I am just at 6'5"+ in Nikes and something like 27 inches from elbow to elbow when my arms hang comfortably. Which means I don't fit in airplane seats and must order from this dumb online company if I want so much as a windbreaker because the retail store doesn't carry winter accesories in Arizona. Which is dumb. Anyway, the jacket is marked as "delivered" according to the company's website, but I don't have the jacket, so it's totally ridiculous. We'll see how it pans out, but dollars to donuts, I end up getting screwed on this one.

Friday, January 16, 2004

whaaaaa....?
and a little something to hold you kids over the weekend.
Why, yes sir! That can you opened WAS full of worms!
I'm officially "the guy from out of state who won't shut up about his home state." As much as I loathed these people before, i am now one of their ranks.

I think it's that Texas has been my context for 20+ years, and Arizona is kind of... blah. Not much interesting happens here. Nobody is from here, nobody gives a damn about Phoenix as much as the proximity to Sedona, and for the most part, you get the feeling folks weren't that attached to the places they came from in the first place.

I find that, as not one interesting thing has happened since I moved to Arizona, I tend to have to use my past (ie, my stay in Texas) as a reference for all anecdotal points, evidence, storytelling, etc...

So, yesterday, someone was talking about textbooks in public education, and I mentioned how Texas doesn't allow for a proper explanation of evolution in it's textbooks for grades K-12 and the implication for publishers across the country. We drifted off to other topics (including a discussion about Giants, which was kind of fascinating), but somehow ended up on the planets, and were trying to figure out how big Mars is.

"Is it as big as Texas?" someone asked me, rather pointedly.

I kind of laughed, but it suddenly became very, very clear... everyone is sick to death of hearing about how things were in The Lone Star State.

Whether I like it or not, i am still in Arizona. THis fact is not going to change until something drastic occurs. But I also need to respect that for some reason, these people adore this place. And I need to quit looking backward and start looking more at this place and what it has to offer. Arizona is, and can be, many things. I may not like all of them, but I wasn't exactly Little Mary Sunshine about all that went down in Texas, either.

I will henceforth quit referring always to how "it's this way here, but in Texas...", ecause it's dumb and it doesn't matter what they do in Texas (even if it is better).

Thursday, January 15, 2004

A cat owner writes:

Dear Melbotis,

How do you feel about cats? Have you ever met any?

Signed,
A cat owner


Dear A cat owner,

Mel not always live in smelly hot place. Long ago, Mel live with funny girls and they have many, many cat things. Mel would spend countless hour with funny cat things stare at him. Stare and stare. And then Mel go crazy and chase cat until Mel get tired and lay down and one day Mel move in with chubby-boy-thing and white lady. White lady sleeps alot and then gets fired and she is home alot. But not as much home as yellow cat who punch at my head and occasionally bite the tail. The cat stupid and bite the sleepy lady and the lady yell and flap hands and go "Jeff! You little bastard!" and the chubby man quit looking at flicker-box and laugh at lady and cat. Then I go outside.
Josh writes:

Dear Melbotis,

When is it okay to play with the lights off?

Sincerely,

Josh Lowry


Dear Josh,

This is toughy. Mel not absolutely sure when it okay. When mel in yard, sometime the light on and sometime the light off. Light on mostly in middle of day in yard, but at same time, light off in house. At night, outside, light off. In house, light on, until chubby-man-thing go to bed. Then light off. Lady sleep all time whether light on, off, flickering, music blasting or cat sitting on her head. When the light go off in house at night, man say "All right, pets. Time for bed." which is dumb, because bed is always there. No time for bed. So when light on in backyard mel run and run and runa nd run and bark at stupid neighbor dog. Bark bark bark. At night, light off in yard, and Mel run and run and run and bark bark bark. Not make much difference.
But Mel suspect something deeper lay at root of Josh question. So mel think and think and think and think and think and come up with nothing. So he think some more. And then he think how sad he not know and want a treat because when mel eat, mel happier. So Mel lay down and think about treat. But Mel think maybe you ask Mrs. Lowry when it okay, and if that not good, you ask Mrs. Lowry dad, because he know Don to be straight shooter. In fact, mel will forward question to Mr. Shannon Dad and tell him Josh ask and then he be very proud.
Molly writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Who was the nastiest villian you ever subdued?

Molly


Dear Molly,

As golden retriever, Mel tend to like everyone except stupid dog next door. Mel am genetically incapable of disliking anyone. When bad people, like small people in stroller go by, I bark bark bark, but I never get to them. Tiny people in strollers are not real people, so Mel is not liking them because they scream and poo on self. Also slightly larger small people who smell like syrup. Bleah!
Mostly I used to try to catch funny man who leave things in box in front of house, but due to fence, never got hold of him or man who steal smelly garbage.
No matter how much Mel would like to capture people, it not happen too often, but when i want revenge, i poop on carpet. If Mel had one person he could bring to justice, would be lady who take Mel temperature.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

With Bush announcing today that we, as a nation, are once again spacebound, is there anyone who didn't think of this article?
FYI, kids... I have no idea if this movie will be any good or not, but I can tell you I will see it. Warner Bros. missed the boat by not doing something similar with The Blackhawks, and the look and feel is vintage Superman crazy robot.

C'est la vie. Any movie willing to put giant humanoid robots in it is a movie I want to see.

So it's Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow for my summer fun.
Christopher Reeve triumphantly returns to Smallville in his role as the mysterious Dr. Swann! If you didn't see his appearance last season, it was fantastic.
Couple of things...

I've added Molly's blog to the The League. If I remember correctly, she is in Japan, but as I do not know Molly, I do not know why she is in Japan. In fact, after hearing scary stories about working in Japan for half an hour on Friday, I feel kind of bad for Molly, but as she is somewhat unsinkable, nobody needs to pity her.

So check out Molly's blog. (and yes, Molly... I took quite a shine to the web-link on your blog...)

Speaking of friends of the Uncanny Dedman, RHPT surfaced yesterday sounding a bit glum. So check in on Randy and make sure the dude is okay. He has a wedding coming up, after all.

Thirdly, one of my bestest pals ever, Jeffrey Alan (Peabo) Peek, announced he was engaged yesterday. Engaged. My little Peabo is all grown up.

I don't really know the girl. I met her once in September, but she seemed like a swell dame, which may be reason enough to warn her off now. Anyhoo, I've known Jeff since 4th grade, we went to college together and the dude was in my wedding in one way or another. He's a square G and an all around decent guy. He's also a defense attorney in Austin, so he gives my brother a good run for his money. Adrianna is some sort of legal-thingy (a lawyer maybe... we were drinking... my memory is hazy here) at the Mexican Consulate in downtown Austin. Aside from that bit of information and the fact that she has a winning smile, the girl remains a bit of a mystery. So I wish Jeff "Peabo" Peek and Adrianna (sp?) the best of luck. Well, really, I wish Adrianna the best of luck, because she will now be legally bound to Peabo for the duration.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

They don't make one big enough for our pal, Mel.
Jeff S. writes:

What is Heather's damage?

Sincerely, -Jeff


Dear Jeff,

mel am wondering same thing. Mel say "do something to me gently with chainsaw." Blowing up school with everyone inside is less funny now than in 1987 before mel was born. When Mel born, back in good old day of 1999, not much to do but go to Bryan house and pee on Jeff bed while jeff not around. Also, lick Jeff toothbrush to show how much we love Jeff. Many time I run in circle and then poop. Hurray! me will have treat and lay down. Mel not expecting so many question in first day.
Jamie asks:

Dear Melbotis,

If you were a superhero, what would your super powers be? Also, what are your secrets for keeping that striking figure of yours?


Jamie,

Mel not know why you send e-mail when I on tile while you sit on couch. You are mean for not let me on couch and I hate stupid you for no couch sitting. Stupid cat always on couch and get nice treat, but Mel on stupid tile. If Mel were Superhero mel have amazing power to open gate and go outside. Mel also would punch stupid neighbor dog in head. Stupid neighbor dog would not be so tough then.
Mel also think Jamie being disingenuous with last question and ask how Jamie keep amazing skinny-squirrel-like shape when Jamie not protecting house all day? Mel get only dry food once a day and chase ball. You eat bean dip. Also, mel have ability to rearrange molecules and change solids to liquids or gas.
Randy wirtes:

Dear Mel,

What's Ryan and Jamie Steans really like? Is the irreverant, off-beat humour Ryan presents in his blog merely a front for somethng more sinister? What kind of evil lie in their hearts?

Keep barking!

Randy


Randy,

Me am so glad you kick off Ask Melbotis! question column with serious intellectual challenge! Mel also impressed with inappropriate use of plural/ non-plural in your question. So! What am Ryan and Jamie really like? Ryan is like stinky recliner and Jamie is like big white squirrel with no tail. Hello! Where is the ball? Hello! But to point... am Ryan sinister instead off-beat humor? Where is ball? Hello, ball. Is treat time? Hello! Is man-chair and white squirrel sinister? Possibly. Sometime they go off to outer space and leave me in house or yard until sun come back down and then I bark bark bark bark and birds poop on tree. Good-bye.
Ask Melbotis!!!

hey, kids!

If earning a Melly isn't your bag, and you feel you have more questions than answers, Melbotis is now here to solve your riddles and fill in those troublesome gaps public education was unable to properly caulk up.

Romantic trouble? Difficulties in the workplace? Need help sorting out a thorny legal issue? Melbotis is your dog!



Mel has seen a lot of the world, and he's met a lot of people. And, honestly, he's got a lot of sage wisdom I can't utilize all for myself.

So, if you have a question and you don't mind seeing it printed in these pages with a full answer to your question, why don't you write to Melbotis? He'd love to hear from you and he'd love to expound upon the many, many topics of which he is an expert.

(disclaimer: Melbotis's answers come from the mind of a dog which thinks anything beyond the fence is outer space. Legal advice is for entertainment purposes only.)
In the wake of the Holiday Absoludicrous Media Contest, I have decided that maybe no prize is better than a dumb prize. or maybe not. Anyway, Marvel comics (home of Spider-man, Daredevil, Hulk and Captain America) has long given out the fabled "No Prize." It's essentially a prize for folks who spotted a mistake, could answer some trivia, etc... but they weren't going to win anything for it, just some recognition. Superman comics long handed out the "Baldies" which I assume were named after Lex Luthor's difficulties at the barber shop.

Henceforth, I am handing out "Mellies". To win a "Melly", all you need to do is answer trivia, point out where I'm wrong, or somehow otherwise earn the attention of the League for a few moments.

THe first Melly up for grabs goes to the person who first can tell me what the hell is going on in this photo.
(hint: it's great these guys show up before a crisis, but where are they afterward?)

Monday, January 12, 2004

Oh, we got in our new PC last night. It's kind of exciting. It was also really nice that, since we bought it from Dell instead of building something ourselves, the whole thing was pretty much ready to roll when we opened the box.
In a long list of questionable purchases, most recent was the comedy album by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. It's not that I really regret purchasing the album, it's more that the album makes me feel like I'm in 7th grade, wishing to god Mom doesn't bust in and hear all that filthy talk. This sort of thing used to be reserved for late night viewing of Eddie Murphy specials, Richard Pryor videos and the occasionally unsurfaced Redd Fox record.

We didn't use a lot of profanity in my house. In fact, "sucks" was not considered acceptable until i was in 9th grade. Mom broke the ice one spirng evening when, while on a phone call, I heard her say "I thought she was going to shit a brick." Well, from there the floodgates opened, and the Steans household has slowly become potty mouth central. We don't drop the F-Bomb, and taking the Lord's name in vain is still frowned upon (but will rarely actually illicit a verbal reprimand). But a lot of stuff that didnt fly when i was a tyke is now par for the course.

But of course, like most boys, I'd secretly had a pirate's vocabulary since about 5th grade. The switch flipped on and off at the presence of anyone resembling authority, and I only rarely got called on my vulgarities. In hgh school, somebody made the mistake of telling me "speak with the vulgar, think with the refined," which I took, wrongly, to give me free license to drop the F-bomb as frequently as possible.

And then in my second job in college, we had some modicum of restraint, but cursing wasn't exactly taboo at the Camelot Records. My third job in college might as well have been on a submarine, and the profanity flowed like fine wine. If you weren't emphasizing your point with the F-word, you weren't really trying to make a point. And so it went.

Saddest of all of this is how twisted the language of my beautiful wife has become since when we first teamed up. Now, it's like her super power is never running out of obscenities. It's really pretty funny, as it always is when otherwise very nice people blurt one out, and I've grown to find it endearing instead of just feeling guilty over my bad influence (Jamie insists she was like this before, but I remember a time... I remember a time...).

Things kind of came to a head in college in my screenwriting class. I was asked by several people who were reviewing my script to "please, please try to keep the profanity under control." And I felt a little bad, but not that bad. It was distracting them all from how incoherent the screenplay actually was.

The current job is certainly no place for profanity. In fact, slang of any sort kind of leaves about half the staff looking at you like you just walked off the moon. And that's fine. I reserve the blue talk for the freeway system and parking lots. I've found a well=placed Charlie Brown "Arrgghhhh!" usually gets my point across here in the office.

But Triumph... Triumph has managed to take it to a whole level I haven't been on in a long time, back before I decided being gross wasn't really funny anymore. I really wish I had a little jambox so i could hide on the other side of the bed and listen to the record, turning it off the second anyone walked in the room.

And I think that's kind of genius.

Now if any of you ever saw the hypnotically upsetting "TV Funhouse" which ran on Comedy Central around 2000-2001, you might have a pretty good idea what you'd be in for. I could go on and on about 'TV Funhouse," but the bottom line is that it just wasn't a show for everybody. Or, possibly, for anybody. It doesn't really matter how jaded you THOUGHT you were, because "TV Funhouse" had a little something to upset everyone.

And so it is with Triumph's new album. Anyway, go listen to it if you want to, you sick bastards, but don't say I didn't warn you...

Sunday, January 11, 2004

Greetings, Leaguers.

It appears Superman will continue to fly high for a few more seasons on TV's Smallville and Justice League.
Now, Superman's Kryptonian canine companion, Krypto, is getting his own children's series.
Good news? I think so. Dogs with super powers should be much more prevalent on television. It will also be interesting to see how many folks suddenly realize why my license plate reads "KRYPTO".

I also heard that Alien Legion may be getting a 30 episode animated run. I loved this comic back in middle school, and I've been purchasing some of the recent collections from Checker and Titan press. For anyone who likes kooky aliens and gritty, tough action, you might dig this comic. It's the cat's pajamas. My hopes are high for the animated series.

Packers are out of the play-offs. My football season is unoffically over. I will still watch some of the Superbowl, but most likely I will not be very invested in it.

I am trying to draw to a close the conversation about art and it's value which has been percolating over on JimD's site. At some point you're debating. At some point, you're beating a very dead horse.

At some point I have watched just too many home improvement shows and decided that I, too, was a master carpenter. Growing up I used to help The Old Man out in the garage, and, thusly, already knew a thing or two about how to use power tools when I began building sets in high school drama. Since then my handiwork has been limited to changing lightbulbs and air filters. A few months ago,a fter having watched "While You Were Out" one too many times on TLC, I decided to build some furniture. I have now built a 40" x 40" CD rack, a sort of CD rack/ cell phone and wallet holder, and now I have built a coat rack/ footlocker. Jamie seems pretty pleased. I am a little skeptical of the durability of the coatrack section. Only time and gravity will tell if the coatrack is, in fact, a success.

Randy's lady, Emily, had this insight into blogging. She has allowed me to share.

I try not to read people's blogs because im jealous that i can't do a blog of my own, but i have given in. It's reality TV for the internet. I'm a closet blog reader. I live in shame :(

and that about sums it up.

Friday, January 09, 2004

More Martian Madness...

It's absolutely correct to be skeptical that we (by we, I mean the good 'ol US of A) will be willing to put money into strapping a couple of folks to a rocket and sending them to Mars on the off-chance that they will return safely. It's going to cost trillions, and it's going to be pretty much a colossal waste of time. But, dammit, that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

We spend tax dollars on some pretty ridiculous nonsense (did you know Dick Cheney INSISTS on Oreos and will not tolerate the cheaper, tastier Hydrox?). We also spend billions and trillions preparing for wars which may never happen, and teaching kids who are pretty stupid, anyway. But if we can get to Mars, it will give this Leaguer hope that the human spirit of endeavour and achievement and exploration is no longer limited to seeing what's on the channels over 55 on the flipper. It will mean that we, as a people, have agreed that we are ready to spread our wings as a species and are now ready to soar among the stars. And we are ready to bring back buxom space vixens.

As much as my post from earlier indicates the very real financial benefits, really, if we have a trillion dollars, maybe we could try to feed people, or buy off Castro into retirement, or get a Cardinals team which I might pay to see. I dunno. THere's reason to be skeptical, and uses on this little blue marble for all that dough.

But a part of me wants to see the first footage broadcast by a human in a space suit, waving back to the world from that dusty red planet. Hell, let's have a bake sale. I'm sure we can find the money somewhere.
sweet

I love me the space program. I hope this is a serious effort and not just election year hoo-hah. I choose not to be cynical on this one.

The Space Program offers both a lot tangibles and intangibles to the American people. A lot of everyday technology was developed for the Space Program (microwave ovens, Tang, zero-G toilets), and a lot more will be necessary for reaching Mars and returning to the moon. The Space Program is good for businesses associated with this kind of development and construction.

Exploration and discovery offers those intagibles of national pride, excitement of discovery, and could spark the imaginations for genreations of future engineers. (My employing university is wrapped up with the current Mars expedition. We're pretty excited).

Most of all, I want to see a man walk on Mars before I'm 50, but I'll take a permanent moon colony. This could really be the beginning of a bold new era.
1) Mel has been spending his days outside lately with the fantastic Arizona winter weather. It's like lows of 50 and highs of mid-70's. He's nuts for being outside.

2) Mel received many presents for Christmas from my folks (in a doggy gift basket). He's quite insane now with too many toys to choose from. Most disturbing is the disembodied, red pig-head which squeaks when you squeeze it.

3) The phone rang at 4:00am this morning. No message was left, and the caller ID failed to identify the caller. I laid in bed for about half an hour imagining all sorts of nightmare scenarios in which someone tried to call me for assitance, but nobody called back. I was reminded of a phone number I had to change in college. It was a former FAX number. Everynight I would get 2-3 calls from FAX services. usually between 1am and 6am. It was a nightmare.

4) Busy day today. But check out Jim's insightful response to yesterday's shenanigans. Also, help us identify Zak Bennigan's.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Couple of things:

1) Randy has sent along a photo of he and Emily. THis is the same photo removed from Randy's wedding site after Emily decided that my review of Randy's demeanour was, perhaps, unkind.

After strong-arming Randy, I have obtained a link to the photo once again. Randy, in all of his insane glory, may be found here (possibly threatening Emily with a butter knife held in his left hand). Here's that pic.

2) For some reason JimD. and I decided to get into it today over the piece of crappy graphitti art on 21st and Guadalupe in Austin. While in a lot of ways, I agree with Jimbo, in other ways, I clearly do not. Unfortunately for Jim, I am right and he is wrong.

Some other guy kind of insulted me for screwing up Daniel Johnston's name. Which is fair, because, dammit, I called the man a "staple" and then got the name all botched up. Well, as long as I don't screw up my wife's name, it's all gravy. Anyway, I went and checked out a site the gentleman linked to and found a deep love of the frog. Jamie will appreciate this, even if the Cow Head Man thinks I'm a dork.
Shoemaker has sent in an ultra-late Holiday entry: The Waitress's "Merry Christmas". There's no note of explanation, but there is a link.

For those of you who submitted ON TIME, your prize is in the mail.

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

sometimes I get down about how weird and kind of fruitless it is working for the state, and then I remember it's this or flipping burgers and I perk right up again.

Monday, January 05, 2004

So I finally picked up my comics from the last two weeks (which is probably the longest between trips to the shop i've been in a year, at least). And they just rebooted Superman with issue #200 of Superman. Beginning next month, Superman will have a slightly different origin. Comics are so weird.

Anyway, Superman #200 was not as bad as I had read it would be in a review. What I really dug, however, was Superman/ Batman #5. Written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ed McGuinness, this was part 5 of a 6 part story in which Lex Luthor tries to take down Superman once and for all. In this issue, Team Superman and the Batman Family enter the White House to confront president Lex Luthor. Yeah, these comics are insane.

But if you like cool art (Randy, this might include you), and lots of action, this series might be up your alley.

McGuiness's take on Hawkman is fantastic, but I think he draws all of the characters very, very well for a guy locked into a cartoony style.

I like comics, and this comic renews that affection. It's over the top, it's ridiculous, it's not particularly emotionally mature, but it's more fun than eating Rain-Blo by the handful and jumping on a trampoline.

And word on the street is that in a few months they bring back the classic version fo Supergirl in this title. Hurray!

I haven't really been at work in two weeks, and that means I've been watching an inordinate amount of television. And after having watched two weeks worth of TV, and thousands of commercials, I have one question:

What the hell is a "hemi", and why should I care?

Look, I'm no car guy. I drive a 4-cylinder, and always have. I do not feel the need to drive a V6 (except on the rare occasion after having borrowed someone else's V6), a V8 or V12, nor an 18-wheeler. I have long believed cars are a tool, and not a way to flaunt one's manhood.

A lot of people don't like SUV's for a lot of legitimate reasons. A lot of people DO like SUV's for some legitimate, and a lot of quasi-legitimate reasons. It's the quasi-legitimate reasons, the one's they now spend billions advertising to, that blow my mind.

When i was a kid, my folks bought a monstrous conversion van. It had two stereos, seated somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 and had niceties like a table one could assemble and play checkers on. Which was great for the trip to the groccery store and whereever. I would be lying if I thought we really needed the damn thing, but we had not just one... when I was 14, we got another one. THis one had a bench seat which (with the touch of a button) folded out into a bed. It also had a built in bar in the back for "tailgating" (which we never did), and a spot where a TV was supposed to be installed. We never got the TV and VCR, although we had the wiring and hook-ups, because the day we picked up the van, my mom burst into tears at the thought her children would rather watch Sanford and Son reruns than talk to her while in the car. Which i thought was kind of weird at the time.

Apparently, this isn't such a concern with today's savvy parent. Now, when toting the kids to and from soccer practice, in the half an hour a day when you could be talking to your kid, your babysitter has been provided to you. Once again, you can feel free to let the flickering box raise your kids so you can focus on the cell phone conversation you were having before you picked up the little monstrosities.

Look, I don't have kids. And I can't guarantee if I did have a kid, s/he wouldn't turn out like Jeffrey Dahmer. But I do know when you have a kid, you're supposed to pay attention to it. I don't care how tired you are from work, or who is calling your cell phone. But a part of me also knows I wouldn't do any better than anyone else, and makes me not really want to have kids... because folks, I don't want to be the guy I made fun of all these years.

My favorite thing in the commericals is seeing how happy mom and dad are... how they look to one another with loving, knowing smiles... as if to say "hear all that silence? THose little brats have been hypnotized into a stupor once again... it's so mercifully quiet, we can pretend we are once again childless."

I'm now horrified by my parents' van ownership, but I understand why folks buy huge cars when they have kids. I understand far less why my parents now own a monstrous SUV with seating for 8, but since they paid for my college, i keep it on the QT. I'm just glad they didn't own one of the vans which said "Goodtimes Van" on the back in 60's psychedelic script.

So you've turned your car into the babysitter by getting the car with seats as big as a sofa and DVD player. Now you've still got to have adventure! You're still a virile alpha-male... which means you MUST be able to take it off-road. You must climb boulders and mountains and go from 0-60 in 5 seconds (despite the fact your car weighs 10 tons). And I guess the "hemi" is the new thing to have. It must be some sort of shiny engine. It's a big 'ol honking engine Dad would have in his truck if... if he were a swinging single adventurer! He can still live out the fantasy, though, as long as it's hidden beneath the hood of the moving living room.

Poor, emasculated dad... Knowing that his "hemi" will only help him pass Monte Carlo's on the toll-road on his way to his boring office job. WAIT! Only Dad doesn't get to drive the "hemi" powered wonder car. He drives the Corrola, because Mom needs the SUV to transport the kids to go roller-skating... And the hemi is only really there because you need that kind of horsepower to keep your moving living room from stalling on every incline, anyway...

Look, I don't know why those commercials bug me so much, but they do. I know people feel as if they need these cars, the way they needed conversion vans in the 80's, then mini-vans in the mid-90's, and now Tahoes or whatever. Maybe they need these things as surely as they need beds and food for their children. I do not know. I do know, TV's in cars are dumb. But I liked the idea a heck of a lot more when they had to start passing laws stating it was illegal to watch porn on your car TV, lest everyone see your feature attraction from your rear window.

Maybe a week of watching TV did nothing good for me.
Apparently Ms. Emily took exception to my post from a few days ago regarding Randy being completely insane. The link to The Knot now sports a new picture of Homer and Marge Simpson. Randy has gone ahead and posted about Emily's reaction, and his feelings upon the whole ordeal. It is unfortunate that Emily has selected to remove the photo of she and her beau. Indeed, it was quite thrilling to see the Tjahjono's looking so blissful (even if half of them are insane).

I request that Emily reconsider, and if nothing else, find a new picture of she and her man.

Chin up, Emily. Randy is more or less a good guy, and while I am afraid for you, I believe you are more or less making the right choice. So let's see you put up that photo again lest i turn it into my year-long crusade to see that picture posted once more...

Sunday, January 04, 2004

one out of fifteen ain't bad...

I guess the Martians got sick of shooting these things out of the sky...

I have taken a great deal of time off of work. It's been pleasant. I am classified as "faculty" in my position at the University, which means I have an insane amount of vacation, which I can rarely use. But the Holidays are a perfect time for disappearing, and so I haven't been to work since December 22nd.

On Monday I must return to work, and what I would like to do is return with a new enthusiasm. Will this actually happen? Only time will tell. We're going to be going directly into one of our two "busy" periods, lasting about three to four weeks each, occuring in accordance with the spring and fall semesters.

So it's probably good I took a break.

I've watched alot of movies on DVD, I've drawn more, I tried some writing (hopefully Hustler won't turn me down this time), and I am trying to build some more furniture. I'm not very good at building at furniture, but if all 90 degree angles is your bag, I am your man.

I haven't really been unemployed since about 1996, and I kind of miss the time off. One thing university life provides is a good amount of vacation (or did at UT), so I will try in the future to make the most of the time I've been given. Watching this episode of Justice LEague, next vacation, maybe I'll make a rail gun. Looks like fun.

Anyway, next week I return to normal programming. See you then.

Friday, January 02, 2004

This may surprise Leaguers, but for as many mentions as he gets in these pages, I've never actually met Randy of RHPT.com. Randy started showing up in my e-mail box a while back, and we've been chummy ever since.

As a consequence, I've never actually seen Randy in person. Until today. Randy posted a link to his little corner of wedding cyber-space over on The Knot. The Knot is a site where you can register and make sure folks have a a web-friendly location to check and re-check wedding details. This is actually a really nice idea. Wish we'd done it.

Anyway, I never saw Randy before, but now I have, and if the photo on the site is any indication, Randy is quite mad. yes, yes... I know he's happy to be with his lady in this photo... but there's a certain bewildering insanity sparking behind those eyes as if to say both "yes, you may refill my water" as well as "but then I will hide in the back seat of your car and surprise you on the interstate."

No doubt Randy will be disturbed by my deductions, but this is why the Steanses try to keep our photos off the net... for fear someone might say "dear God, did the panda actually eat the girl after the photo was taken?" or "they're both so pale... oh, you didn't even use a flash?" or "it would not kill him to skip dessert once in a while."

So here's Randy, all menacing smile and deranged plotting. By his side is his future bride, who would do well to sleep with one eye open.