Monday, March 21, 2005

The League presents: Suggestions for Further Reading

For all the comics-related broo-ha-ha which goes on here at The League, all too infrequently do I feel I really point potential readers to comics which they may enjoy.

Now, keep in mind, literally hundreds of comics are published every month, so this is not some exhaustive, definitive list of worthwhile comics. This list is meant to be a sort of suggestion box for folks who might pop their head into the local comic shop and find the sensory overload a bit frightening.

This being the first column on this topic, I want to cover a few things in case you are new to comics and you want to take a look inside your local comic shop. Next time we'll move on to actual comics The League would suggest for further reading.

Tips for the new comics consumer:

1) Tell the guy behind the counter that you don't know anything about comics, but you're curious. Come prepared to tell him what TV shows and movies you like. This is helpful as many, many comics are not about superheroes. Some are funny, some are soap operas. Some are historical fiction.

2) Do not feel obligated to buy a comic just because the counter guy put it in your hand. If it appears to be too violent or too sexy or whatever, it probably is. You CAN try telling them "that's a bit more (violent, sexy, etc...) than what I had in mind."

If the comic shop guy can't adjust his/her mindset to point you toward something you're more comfortable with, s/he's a bum and should go out of business. Go ahead, browse for a minute and then leave.

3) Manga is not a genre. Manga just suggests a comic came from Asia and will have a few cultural shorthand things in common (big eyes on some characters, an alarming number of girls dressed as nurses and school girls). There are all kinds of Manga, so don't go in expecting all ninjas or G-Force or giant robots. There is also something called hentai. Do not touch.

4) If you are a girl, do not make eye-contact with the boys shopping in the store. The comic nerds are already afraid of you and may do something rash if they feel threatened.

If a comic nerd not affiliated with the store attempts to talk to you, answer him politely and avoid eye-contact. Actually addressing him will lead him to believe he has found his soulmate, and you just got yourself a stalker.

5) For the love of Mike, if you find something you decide is so goofy you want to make a scene, don't. Do not make a big show out of making fun of the goofy item. a) you may be completely misunderstanding some insidery comic-book joke, or b) you may have just broken the heart of the comic nerd who was standing behind you waiting for you to move so he could grab his copy of "Underage Radioactive Samurai Salamanders". This guy may have devoted his entire life to collecting "Underage Radioactive Samurai Salamanders", and you've just ruined the one thing which was making this guy's life bearable. He's 55 and lives with his mother. For God's sake, be kind.

6) Yes, they all wear tights and have huge pectoral muscles.

7) Yes, the girls are all drawn in very little clothing. The unrealistic proportions are not meant to make you feel bad about yourself.

If you must, you can feel secure in the knowledge that the artist's closest contact with real women is the checkout girl at Blockbuster.

8) No, you cannot actually do that in real life. We already know that it is unlikely that Batman could actually, physically, ever take that pose or survive jumping off of roofs.

9) Yes, the crappy looking black and white comics are drawn by pale, pimply looking guys who have girlfriends who look just like them. It is exactly as you suspect.

10) Yes, there are really THAT MANY Batman books on the shelf. And, yes, surprisingly, that many Archie comics. I don't know who reads them, either.

11) Prepare yourself for bizarre debates which may sound as if they are taking place in the psycho ward at county hospital. There may be some boring conversation about writers and artists, but be prepared for lengthy discussions on Batman's ears, the identity of the BEST Green Lantern, and who is stronger, Thor or (insert super-strong super hero here). These conversations will go on for far too long. And get really weird. And Superman is stronger than Thor. End of story.

12) The comic shop will also carry lots of extras, such as toys, posters and role-playing game materials. There are also trading card games and a game called "Hero Clix." Do not, under any circumstances, allow anyone to engage you in a discussion on "Hero Clix", "Vs." or "Magic: The Gathering."

If this occurs, feign ignorance of the english language.

13) If you are looking for comics for small kids, make sure you immediately tell the shop keep that you are looking for a children's comics. Tell him/her how old the child is, and await further instructions. Do not assume because something looks cute, it is innocent. Sometime I will have Jamie discuss "Fancy Froglin and the Sexy Forest".

14) It is, in fact, true that Watchmen and Dark Knight Returns are the greatest superhero comics ever written. If anyone disagrees with this statement in the comic shop, you can punch them in the gut, because they're a filthy liar. No, Deadpool is not better than either of them. The guy who just told you that is an idiot.

15) If you're artsy, go in to the store, request Craig Thompson's "Blankets" or something by Daniel Clowes. You'll be happier and feel really arty.

16) If you hate your own life, request the work of Chris Ware. You'll get a really interesting comic and you will have your worst fears confirmed.

17) Comics are not like books. It may take a short while to adapt to the visual language of comics, especially as you jump from artist to artist and genre to genre.

So that's it. That's my tips for going to the comic shop. Next time I'll actually come back and suggest some comics for further reading.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Fake animals on the TV!!!

I'm watching a kick-ass fake documentary on Animal Planet about dragons.

Tolkein aside, I haven't been much of a swords, sorcerers and dragons sort of guy in many years. (What ever happened to you Zack the Elf? You were the best D&D character ever...!) But this show rocks.

Anyway, if this replays, you have to check it out.

It is far superior to the movie I watched last week on cable.

I guess this Dragon program is kicking off a week of specials on mythological and imaginary creatures called "Animal X."

You can see the listings for this week and choose which epsidoes you want to watch. I, myself, will be tuning in for the episode on Thursday night which may or may not feature footage of my brother.

From my program listings:

Bigfoot: Investigator might have discovered evidence that Bigfoot is alive and well in Texas.
Dear Melbotis

Jamie writes:

Dear Melbotis,

It's been a while since we've heard from you. Are you still answering questions? What's your take on new puppy Lucy? How has her presence changed your life? How has it changed Jeff the Cat's?


Dear Jamie,

Melbotis agree that it been long time since Mel say much. Ever since Mel get e-mail, Mel have many, many e-mails. Mel keep getting e-mail from many bank asking for information for verification and Mel keep having to send and send and send. Won't bank keep Mel information written down on sticky paper?

Also, Mel send off for pills to make Mel a "man." Mel looking forward to being man and yelling at other dogs. "Sit down, doggy! Go outside, doggy!" Mel will play trick when Mel is man and Mel will go into garbage can all he want and nobody stop him.

This is what Mel think he look like when he is man.


(Mel not sure if this accurate, but Mel hear this man maybe have no testicles either)

Mel will answer many questions when Mel get them, but sometime Mel get question and he forget despite Mel having best of intentions.

Thank you, Jamie for reminding Mel every ten minutes of e-mail.

You ask about little black dog who show up. Little black dog kind of scare Mel, then Mel remember he is huge and show little black dog who boss is. So Mel pretend to eat little black dog, and when that not work, Mel actually try to eat little black dog. Little black dog is much better now.

In some way, little black dog is happy addition to backyard. Mel spend many, many afternoon in backyard with nothing to do except protect house from stupid neighbor dog. And while laying in sunshine and occasionally barking at other doggies has it plusses, sometimes Mel will get bored and sleep for, oh.... ten hour straight. Mel suppose this not real good for Mel's weight (which Stupid Man always say is, "Just fine, my man. We'll be fat together.")

Anyway, little black dog say to me, "Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy!"
And Mel say, "What?"
And she say, "What?"
And Mel say, "You say 'Hey, doggy!'"
And little black doggy say, "What?"
And Mel say, "What?"
And then little black doggy go off and chew on a rock.

Sometime she chew on Mel's ear, and Mel have to pin Lucy, but all in all, Mel like little black doggy and hope he not have to eat her.

Before answering mail, Mel went to cat and said, "hey, Cat! What about little black dog?"
And Jeff say, "-the temperature at 5:00 shall be 72 degrees with winds out of the southwest."
And Mel say, "No, little black doggy."
And Jeff say, "Your classic rock station with all the hits! Rockin' 98.5 FM!!!!"
So Mel not sure. But sometime Jeff throw up now after little black doggy tries to say "Hello."

Mel hope all Leaguers having good day. Mel happy to be back at glowy pizza box thing.

Friday, March 18, 2005

A BABY CONE FOR 2005!!!!

Hey, everybuddy!

Nathan called a while ago, and I am happy to announce the existence of one Samantha Cone.

Samantha was born around 10:00am CST this morning.

She is 7lbs. 4oz.
20 inches long.
Brown Hair.

I am unable to secure a photo of Samantha as of yet, so I am posting this delight ful picture of a very cute kitten.




I asked, and it sounds like Nathan and Renata are both doing well. They had a long night, but all systems appear to be checking out normal.

Oh, boy, are kitties ever cute. Here's another kitten I saw online.




Congratulations to Nathan and Renata! And welcome to the world, Samantha C.! You have some terrific parents, and I am sure you will be the grooviest kid on your block!

Oh, heck... here's another kitten.


Why a cowbell?

because there must always be MORE COWBELL.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Baseball, steroids and congress = a tremendous waste of time

We have at least one war going on, multiple hostile nations on the brink of nuclear armament, and, depending on your political stance, a plethora of other shenanigans going on within our own government. We're running an insanely expensive war on drugs and pretty much losing hands down. Our educational system is in core meltdown, and we've got a laundry list of other massive social, economic and international problems longer than my arm and typed in 5 point font.

It's irritating enough that Michael Jackson's case is filling page after page of copy. When I heard E! was running daily re-enactments, I had planned to follow it here, but 1) it isn't funny, 2) I'm intentionally not following any of the trial.

What's really, really irritating is that today Congress actually spent time bothering to "investigate" the Major League Baseball steroid story. And even more irritating is the fact that it was THE BIG STORY of the week.

This is a problem which affects, what? Maybe a few hundred people? It's not costing anybody money, it's not killing anybody, and from what I can tell, it might actually be making baseball interesting for the first time since Roger Maris hung up his glove.

Are these guys using steroids? Are you KIDDING ME? Fifteen years ago we thought Reggie Jackson was a big guy for baseball. Now guys like Conseco look like they could tip over a Hyundai. You don't get built up like that from popping a few into the outfield during practice. And nobody ever thought Babe Ruth was slugging them over the wall thanks to his fine physique.

American sport is rife with roid freaks, and even if they AREN'T roid freaks, they're athletes who are paid millions of dollars to do nothing all day and pump their bodies until they look like 80's era Schwarzenegger. People watched football back when it was iron-man football and the players had to keep a day job to make ends meet. Roger Maris got where he got with good timing, practice and luck.

My point is this: It's only the athlete's sense of ego that drives them to feel that they shouldn't just get paid a king's wages, but that they should be able to overcome any minor limitations left to them with their tremendous physical acuity. It's not enough to play in MLB. You've got to be the most expensive guy on the field, too.

I guess the problem has been that the MLB basically wasn't going to do anything about steroid abuse among their own players, and the perception is that this is somehow influencing young people into also getting into steroids. Anyway, that's the connection I'm drawing as to why these guys are sitting up there testifying. Other than that, the logic of the whole thing sort of astounds me.

After all, it's never been suggested the MLB is providing the players with steroids. It's never been suggested that MLB did much more than organize the leagues. If, in fact, there is some evidence that MLB is somehow providing people with steroids, does anyone really believe that the commissioners are going to break down just because the government is making thems it down at a table? I'm not really clear about what, exactly, people are trying to accomplish. If Congress is really this interested in the steroid issue in pro sports (which would affect maybe 20, 000 people, I would guess?), then isn't it the job of Congress to pass laws or something? And occasionally be dicks to each other about judicial appointments? I forget.

This has nothing to do with concerns about the public health. After all, most kids aren't going to Saturday night parties and being handed a syringe of steroids. Nothing is going to come out of this other than a lot of ruined ball-players careers. Especially when the public is mostly just shrugging the whole thing off and doesn't really seem to care. But they sure seem to be willing to read about it. This is about famous people being naughty, just like that nutty Paris Hilton. So, sure, it gets loads of coverage.

And why? Because our National Pasttime isn't baseball, it's watching celebrities go down in flames.

We might feel bad that some kids in high school may have been more predisposed to suicide because of the mood swings attributed to steroids, but by the time you've finished saying "mood swings attributed to steroids may have", you've already lost 80% of your audience. We're infinitely more interested to see if Hulk look-alike Mark McGwire is going to flip out under Big Brother's unblinking gaze and start smashing furniture with steroid freak super strength.

It takes baseball all freaking season to rev up this much drama.

I'll go out on a limb and say this: I don't care if baseball players are all out there using steroids. Don't care.

If Congress is really concerned about companies providing their cash cows with performance ehnancing drugs, they might want to check out how the recording industry and film industry work sometime. Not to mention that the only reason I stay in my job is that the university keeps me knee deep in free coffee.
Some bits and pieces:

Superman in Beaumont

Jim D. called me yesterday afternoon to inform me that the screenings of Superman I & II are ON in Beaumont. So, Leaguers, set your calendars for late July 2005. It will be A Very Special League Engagement.

I can't tell you how pumped I am about this. It sincerely feels like the world's greatest Christmas present. It's not enough that I get to spread the good word of Superman out to the masses via this lousy site... now I can spread the word to the greater Beaumont area using two of the greatest flicks ever made.

Anyway, get your flights booked, out of towners, this is going to be one huge Fiesta de Superman.

I think I feel a DITMTLOD coming on in regards to Ursa.


Wha..? I'm not ready..!

Apparently Batman Begins is coming out THIS SUMMER. For some reason I have long thought this was a Christmas movie. Anyway, in honor of the Caped Crusader's impending film appearance, I hope to do a big column on The League's lengthy ties to Batman.


With karate he'll kick your ass from here to right over there...

More Twirling!

According to multiple sources, including good ol' reliable CNN, Joss Whedon of Firefly, Serenity, Buffy and Angel (all of which i've never really seen) is taking on a feature film of Wonder Woman.

Joss is a real geek, and this gives me huge hope for this flick. He's an ace in casting, if the Buffy TV show is any indication. And his take on the X-men in the Astonishing X-Men is as refreshing as Grant Morrison's, so I know he knows hwo to treat this material.

I have high hopes that this is going to be a great flick, and will have girls running about willy-nilly with silver bracelets and red-starred tiaras.


Nathan & Renata

I am losing all sense of time. This weekend Jamie made a comment about Nathan and Renata's upcoming baby being due soon, and I said, "well, they have quite a while. They didn't know anything when they were out here."

To which, Jamie said, "yeah... that was in September."

To which, I replied, "No, it was in January."

It was in September. Apparently Chandler, AZ has made me lose any sense of time or place.

When will the Cone-baby arrive? I have no idea.

***UPDATE***

I have an idea of when the baby is due! It is due today!

Take a look at the comments section.
A BIRTHDAY FOR STEANSO

Today is my brother's 32nd birthday.

Jason Ricardomontalban Steans was born this day in 1973. You can usually check in on his drunken antics over at The Adventures of Steanso. He's sort of got a drinking problem, but I've chosen to find it high-larious, since pointing out he drinks too much just leads to me getting jabbed with a broken bottle and having to visit the ER for stitches.


The Steans Bros. in happier times

He seems to have had a pretty good 31st year, and we're all pulling for him to finally kiss a girl in his 32nd year. Also, this year, we have high hopes that at least one of his clients won't do the maximum stretch in Huntsville.

Keep reaching for the stars, Big Guy!

I couldn't think of anything good to get Jason for his birthday, so I sent him a few small items which I hope he enjoys. Jamie was in on the selection, and I hope one of the items shows up in time for the Mono E recording session which may or may not be scheduled for this upcoming week. Hopefully he'll really explore the studio space with the item Jamie got him.

Anyway, happy birthday to my brother. He's not much, but he's what I've got.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

LAST MINUTE REMINDER TO FOLKS IN THE AUSTIN AREA!!!!!

ASLEEP IN THE SEA IS PLAYING TONIGHT AT THE HIDEOUT ON CONGRESS!!!!

Super-Special thanks to Justin Cone for whipping up his own internal website promoting the show.
You have to read Jim D's totally bizarre-o Orwellian tale of pizza delivery.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Pics from the the new Superman Movie

In case you aren't keeping tabs on production of the new Superman film (tentatively titled "Superman Returns"), Australia based Superman Homepage is doing it's darndest. Especially as shooting is taking place IN Australia (I suspect Steve, the owner of the Superman Homepage, will be invited out at some point). It looks like shooting has begun or will begin at any moment. Check out these rad pictures of the Kent farm and even little Kal-El's ship!

Click here to go to The Superman Homepage.
The ever funktified Maxwell has posted her link to her Breast Cancer Awareness walk. Now, you too, can donate to the cause.

To read more about Maxwell's plans and why she's walking, you can read here.

We have also linked to her donation page over in the menu bar on the left.
<------------------------- So go donate, you cheap bastards. She's walking to promote breast Cancer research while you eat another ho-ho.

Also, Maxwell has asked that I participate in her meme.

My natural inclination is to, of course, pour over my CD collection and try to determine a list of five eclectic tunes not a damn one of you has ever heard. This will, of course, give me street cred as an indie rock enthusiast, and make it appear that I try really, really hard to keep up with what's good, what's new, what's in. By some extension, this should lend some suggestion to my superior intellectual capacity as some obscure, cool sounding bands and songs that only The League has the ability to enjoy will someohow suggest my street cred is bigger than yours.

Ain't going to happen.

1) part of this is asking what songs I listen to over and over. Well, if I no longer listen to an album, it's disqualified. If I can't remember the name of a song, I don't think it shoudl count. Also, I think i should only be counting songs and albums I've had in my possession for longer than most of my socks.

2) I don't get much opportunity to seek out lots of new stuff. I don't read music publications and reviews, and most of my money is spent elsewhere. I don't own an iPod or MP3 player. I don't listen to music on my computer at work (I am wayyyy too ADD for that).

3) This list is inherently flawed as, on any other day, you might get completely different answers. I might one day decide I'm loving Show Tunes, and you'd see nothing but "Cats" songs listed below.

4) Putting your own tastes out there is a dicey thing. People tend to make assumptions about all sorts of things based upon things like musical choices. If I listed nothing but Garth Brooks or George Strait songs below, I am sure it would melt many a Leaguer's fragile mind.

But this is pretty much how I'm playing it.

5) I'm going to participate anyway as this is sort of fun. I just feel the need for a huge, flashing disclaimer.

MUSICAL STATISTICS AT THE LEAGUE

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

I have no idea. On this PC, virtually nothing. On my work laptop, I have quite a bit more, but as I don't use it to listen to music anymore, I don't think it counts. I'm old school and still stick with CD's and stereos. No convergence for this cat.

What is the last CD you bought?

I think it was Yo-Yo Ma Plays Ennio Morricone.

Yo-Yo Ma is obviously the foremost classical-style musician of our generation, and when I saw he was covering the tunes of the greatest filmic composer of all time... It was an easy decision. His cover of Cockeye's Theme from Once Upon a Time in America is better than the original, even without that nutty Zamfir.


What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?

What a Day That Was by The Talking Heads, from Stop Making Sense.


Write down five songs you often listen to, or that mean a lot to you.

Oy. This would have been easier ten years ago.

1. Since we're on Talking Heads, the obvious answer is "Burning Down the House". And while I am tempted to say "Once in a Lifetime", "Burning Down the House" never, ever, ever gets old. Oh, hell, go get the whole album and DVD.

2. When I die, and I'm finally transversing this mortal plain and I am finally able to grasp the cosmic oneness connecting all matter, energy and forces in order to overcome the boundaries of self and substance, and I am willingly scrambling my electrons into a dispersed nothingness in exchange for a chance to merge with the infinite, I will hear a single song, and it will be My Bloody Valentine's "To Here Knows When" from Loveless.

Go buy the album.

3. I will probably get in trouble if I do not mention my wedding song. Lou Reed's "Satellite of Love." We chose it as a sort of joke, but now it's "our song", God help us. Kids, once it's your wedding song, you really, really do lose any and all previous attachment you ever had to the song, because this one is it, forever and ever, amen.

Here is a pretty good Lou Reed collection.

4. Maybe "Ladytron" from Roxy Music's self-titled debut album.

5. God help me, I love "Hey Nonny, Nonny" from Why Do Birds Sing? by The Violent Femmes.

Maybe I spend too much time on teh road with too much car noise for songs by more subtle musicians, or maybe I never got over being 16 and loving this album, or something... But if you can't find something to love in this song, I feel sorry for you.

I get one pick for a stupid, great song, and man, this one is it for me.

related note: Two weeks ago I made a belated attempt to change Lucy's name to "Nonny" in the spirit of this song, but I was denied.

alternate. And to prove I have bought one new record in the past five years, I'm finding I really dig the Walkmen, and if I had to pick a tune, it's be "My Old Man" from Bows + Arrows.

I think if you'd asked me on a lazier day, I would do a bit more and go into my love of Willie Nelson, or Robert Earl, or Lyle or Patsy or Johnny Cash. Or Maybe my former Billie Holiday fixation, or David Bowie, or Stevie Wonder, Pink Floyd, or Brian Eno or Elvis or whatever... And I really wish I had time for all of them, but today this is what is coming to mind. Today this is about songs you never get tired of hearing.


Who are you going to pass this stick to (three persons) and why?

I will stick the obvious three with this.

1) Jason, because he actually really loves music, and I await his comments and criticism. And even more, I await Reed chiming in.

2) Jim, because I'd like to see him post something on his website at least once a month. And Jim has wicked good taste in music.

3) RHPT, because who knows what musical evilness lurks in the heart of Randy?

alternate) in case Jim can't come out and play, the alternate is, of course, Mrs. League, who shares my record collection, but who has very much her own mind on what is and should be The Rock 'n Roll.
Mrs. League again.

"FRODO...of the NINE fingers!"

(Shiny gold star if you get this reference)

Monday, March 14, 2005

Mrs. League here.

This will make the League very happy. After two years of annoyed avoidance of my unhealthy addiction to 'American Idol', the League has taken to actually following this season's offering of young hopefuls. In fact, last week after the men performed in the semi-finals, he picked up the phone and dialed with the explanation, "I gotta vote for my dudes."

The League's 'dudes' include Anwar Robinson and Nikko Smith.

In a sad turn of events, dude Nikko was voted off last week and did not make the final 12 (Incidentally, for you baseball fans, Nikko is the son of MLB player Ozzie Smith). However, in true American Idol style, one of the final 12 contestants (Mario) decided to leave the competition due to personal reasons. To fill Mario's place, the powers that be have invited Nikko BACK to be part of the final 12.

YAY NIKKO!

In other news, savetoby.com is both brilliant and disturbing.
TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE
or
An Action Figure for Jim


It's hard to imagine film enthusiast/ lawyer Jim D. getting super excited about a toy. But I think I finally found one suitable for the sort of miniature-scale role-playing Jim could really enjoy.

From Sideshow Collectibles' Fife and Drum line of toys comes General George Washington.


Unable to tell a lie, George admits to 30 points of articulation.

Yes, it warms the cockles of my withered heart to imagine Jim splashing in the tub, re-enacting the crossing of the Delaware with a bottle of shampoo and his General Washington doll.

For full details, more photos and some ordering information, you can go here.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

VOTE FOR PEDRO

Not much to report other than my total resentment of Jim's mischaracterization of me as one who would "vote for Summer." If anyone would ever vote for Pedro, surely, it was The League. Alas, KOHS didn't offer much in the way of Pedro's to vote for. But, as I noted to Jim, in high school I mostly voted for Laura Palmer.

I moved high schools and cities between 9th and 10th grade and fell into a position in high school in which I knew absolutely nobody for about a year. In fact, it seems that the only people I knew were in my biology class, of which contained one Madi Q. Hinojosa.

Nonetheless, mere weeks after school began, we were asked to vote on our homecoming court and numerous other items I had neither the knowledge nor the wherewithal to answer. And unlike the school I'd come from, people at this new school seemed to be taking all of this deadly seriously. The election was pretty traditional, and was NOT for President (as that took place in the Spring). But it all seemed to serious. They actually took us out of class for the election. I won't even get into the attempt at a "recall vote" for our Homecoming Court my senior year.

So I voted for Laura Palmer.

I voted for Laura Palmer as often as I could for the next few years, any time there was a fill-in the blank, or nominate your choice of candidates. Sure, Laura was dead. Sure, she was wrapped in plastic. But at least I knew who she was, and I had an inkling of what I could expect from her.


It's always important to vote for the candidate who has the most to offer...

I don't really remember much about elections except that a fellow drama-kid, Abby, ran. And she was more or less a Summer. Abby asked me to help out with her campaign in exchnage for her dad's roller-skates. As I couldn't apparently avoid being part of the process, I was very excited to be part of the problem.

I agreed to run about during her speech and hand-out "Abby Dollars". This was our high concept. False bribery. So, during the speech I attempted a back flip, which turns out to be a lot more difficult than you'd think, even if you really, really believe in yourself.

Abby won, but I couldn't tell you why. She gave exactly the same speech as the girl who came after her. She made the same irresponsible pledges and the same asinine observations as Candidate B. Maybe Abby was taller. I don't know. I don't think the Abby Dollars did it, and The League's failed acrobatics mostly just illicted a collective empathetic inhalation as The League struck the gym floor.

I didn't vote for Abby, but I didn't vote for Laura Palmer, either. The election was performed on scantron sheets. I don't recall voting at all.

I never did get those roller-skates.

Here is the official KOHS web-page for my class. It is a list of people who got elected for things. I think, you know, in another twenty years, we're all going to be so proud we took time to think, I mean... really, really think about who had the best hair.

Enough.

Anyway, we didn't do much this weekend as we needed to clean the house, get oil changes, take Jamie to the eye doctor, blah, blah, blah. Ryan and Trisha came over and brought young Isaac, who is mostly a set of eyes and 19 pounds of rock and roll. That kid is going places. I can already tell.

Meanwhile, Lucy continues to grow at an alarming rate. She's getting bigger, and she's getting used to our routine, to some extent. I am trying to teach her to "sit." It started today. I press down on her butt until she sits, then I say "Sit!", I give her a treat, and then I give her a tiny hug. Then we do it all over again. I strongly suspect she has no idea what is happening.

Mel and Lucy's relationship continues to evolve. Today I watched her run up to him while he was lying in the grass. About two feet before she reached him, she went airborne and planted herself flatly in his face. Shortly afterward, Mel rolled on his side, picked her up in his paws, flipped her all the way over and body slammed her. I need a chart to demonstrate how this happened, but I assure you, it did happen.

Our place here at the end of civilization is now becoming suburbia.

The cows moved sometime in the last week. Our cows are gone, vanished without so much as an adios. While I will miss being able to see a herd of dairy cows at any time, I will not miss the stench of cows becoming so powerful that I think I am going to throw up if I want to walk the dog in the morning. I do not know what became of our cows. They have moved on to greener pastures.

This, and in what was a sprawl of desert between us and Tucson now has a Target, a Subway and a Dress Barn. While all of these things are assuredly depressing to be surrounded by and to get excited by, it's no longer bleak nothingness as far as the eye can see. And that's got to count for something.

Friday, March 11, 2005

So, quick informal discussion question.

Magneto: Republican, Democrat, Green Party, LaRouche Democrat, Bull Moose or Libertarian?


So Ally McBeal WAS underrated...!
FRIENDS OF THE LEAGUE AT SXSW

The League isn't going to be in Austin next week, but some of his chums are.

Here's a League checklist of events:

1) Phoenix based "Asleep in the Sea"

This is the band of my employee, Tom. Tom will be rocking the house.

Wednesday, March 16th at 10:00pm at THE HIDEOUT


2) Austin based "Milton Mapes".

One of the guys in Milton mapes married Mel's mother, Jenny. Anyways, it's a chance to see Jenny Perkins, right? Milton Mapes is actually very good. Go see them.

BIGSBY'S, Thursday March 17th.

3) on Sunday March 13th (4:00) and Tuesday March 15th (9:00) at The Hideout, some films Juan Diaz worked on will be shown.

"Playdate" and "Engineering Diversity". Go support Juan, you bastards.


Arden is already on his way to rock star status.
Awesome new career opportunity for The League:

I can't stress enough the importance of spell-check when you're setting up your fake company to try to bilk people out of their money.

Dear Sir / Madam ,

We would like to offer you a colaborator job at our company.

If you can take the time and read this offer please do so. We are a almost recent company based on E-commerce , mostly E-trade services , due to recent E-trade development all over the globe , companies like ours have become necesary for a safe and stress free trade over the WWW ( World Wide Web ). Our mission is to make sure that different transactions , between U.S. and European E-buyers and/or E-sellers , are on a safe spot. We propose to do this thru our "net" of colaborators that each have there own role in our clients transactions.

You are receiving this email from the Development Team of Colaborators Incorporated , this teams role is to hire new colaborators , expanding our colaborator network and taking care of their training.Another important job of the Development Team is to check our future colaborators and to constantly improve our means of hiring and verifying any appliers for the post of colaborator. For the moment our Development Team has created a expanding plan that includes 150 more work places as a colaborator in the U.S. and a 200 more work places as a colaborator in Europe. We will seriously consider any applier for this job due to the high amount of persons needed to fill the 150 places.

So , as a bottom line , if you are interested in making a pretty good profit per month , check our website at www.colabaratorsincorporated.com and see if you find yourself apropriate for this job.

Job Description :You will receive a job larger description if you choose to contact us. As a small description , the job requierements are too have or create a PayPal account, be at least 21 years old, and have the ability to connect to the internet at least 1 hour per day.

The colaborator team that founded this company back in 2003 had 10 people on board, since then the company grew 20 times larger and has successfully closed more than 100.000 transactions world wide.So , if you wish to join this great team please do not esithate.The salary is not fixed , you will receive a percent of each transaction that will be made through you.Job Requirements:Of course , as any job , this job has some requirements , not as many as other job , but still necesary in order to be hired by our company.

Here is the list of requirements:
1. Have a PayPal account and/or be able to create one.
2. To be at least 21 years old.
3. No criminal record.
4. To be able to connect to the internet at least 1 hour per day.

So , if you consider you fulfil the above requierements ,visit our website : www.colabaratorsincorporated.com and apply for this job today.

Thank you for your patience and God bless you.

Colaborators Incorporated ,Development Team Manager ,Karen F Campbell .
Colaborators Incorporated © March 2005

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Getting motivated with Spidey!

Marvel is no slouch of a company, and just like DC, they are not shy about plastering the face of Wolverine, the Hulk and Daredevil on just about any item you can imagine.

One sort of good idea is the new line of Marvel motivational posters (for kids, I assume).

These are real. You can check them out here.

Apparently someone in the licensing department flat out either never read a Punisher comic or has a somewhat skewed concept of motivation. Marvel has cancelled orders for the Punisher motivational poster. I am not making this up.

While we're on the subject, it might be pointed out to the higher-ups at Marvel that Wolverine, while universally popular, is pretty much a dude with a few knives who stabs people a lot. I mean, A LOT. More than occasionally, he kills whole castles full of ninjas. I'm just saying, is all...

And isn't Magneto a ruthless villain who kills lots of people...? Marvel's motivational posters are rife with moral ambiguity.

And, hey... isn't that Elektra: Assassin here to spread some motivational sunshine? What? What's that you have to say on "Excellence"?

"Excellence is reserved for those who, even when they fail, do so by doing greatly, so that their place shall never be among those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."


If you are considering raising your child in some sort of Ubermensch fantasy environment, Marvel has your tool kit.

Elektra's message is sort of like, "Try your best", with a twist of "Or your soul shall be condemned to the land of wind and ghosts..."

I tell you what. If I'd had this poster in elementary school, I certainly would have tried harder in the Spelling-Bee.

In the handy world of Photoshop, these are completely made-up. Unfortunately, these posters are probably only funny to geeks.
This is funny, but if you read it, you will go to hell. I am sorry. It's true.

So if you're looking for everlasting peace, do not click on this link.

Thanks to Doug, who is pretty much in trouble, for the link.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

For some reason, this made me think of Nathan Cone.

Thanks to Jamie for the link.

BTW, even after 5 years of marriage, you can still learn new things about your spouse.

Jamie is a huge fan of The Karate Kid.

Prior to Friday night, we had never sat down and watched the movie together, but Friday it was on when I was flipping channels before eating dinner, and Jamie began talking about upcoming scenes, began spitting out lines before they were delivered... in general, she did all the things you do only when you've seen a movie 2 dozen times.

I had not seen The Karate Kid from beginning to end in probably 19 years, but at some dark point in her life, Jamie was apparently watching this movie over and over and over.

Who knows what other secrets lurk in Jamie's shrouded past?

Monday, March 07, 2005

The League has... THE ACTOR'S NIGHTMARE

Back in the halcyon days of High School, I was a drama kid. And during that time, I frequently had Actor's Nightmare. Actor's Nightmare is an anxiety dream that manifests itself in the form of a play that you suddenly must perform in, but you don't know the script, you don't know the blocking, you don't know your lines, but, by gum, you've got to go onstage or the whole show falls apart... and, invariably in my place, it's a musical and I don't know the lyrics or choreography.

For some reason my Actor's Nightmare is ALWAYS a musical. I am sure this has some meaning.

Last night I dreamt Rob Eigenbrod (a name which will mean something only to Maxwell) coerced me into playing a Director in some dinner-theater performance of a modern-dress Phantom of the Opera, a musical which I have not seen. Previous musical outings I have not seen but had to perform in during my Actor's Nightmare include South Pacific.

I don't usually fall in for much in the way of dream symbology, but why Phatom of the Opera? Why a director? Why Rob Eigenbrod? Why WHY WHYWHYWHY???!!!!!!

Sunday, March 06, 2005

You probably haven't looked to notice, but you can't buy a comic book at the 7-11 anymore. Or at the Walgreens, or at grocery store.

I didn't START buying comics at comic shops, and I am sure that if you ask any comic fan cooling their heals in their late twenties or older, you'll find the same is true. We all started buying comics off newsracks in locations to which we had access.

I distinctly recall buying Uncanny X-Men #210 at the Chicago airport. I picked up #212 at Piggly Wiggly within biking distance of the old homestead. Each store and shop you went in to had a news stand of some sort, and I scoured the covers of the bent comics to see if anything struck my fancy.

I picked up Teen Titans this way, Transformers, Batman (I confess to not getting turned on to Superman until very late high school and early college, and then it was the movies, cartoons and Justice League comics). I recall a family road trip which took over a month during which the Death of Kraven storyline was criss-crossing over multiple Spider-Man titles. Each gas station, bookstore, etc... I was busily seeking out each issue, trying to keep up with a haunting, creepy story.

Every single trip to Skaggs Alpha-Beta was punctuated with my quick dash to check out the comics while my mom was in the check out line. The goal was to grab a new one, quick, before they finished tallying the groceries.

And we knew about Austin Books, down on North Lamar. It's still there, cleaned up, now a massive example of what a comic shop SHOULD be. But then it was a dingy hole of a shop, a place the mothers would drop us off and let us go root through long boxes in our endless search for back of X-Men and Batman.

But you had to ask for a ride to the shop, you know? It was way down on Lamar, and my mother (ever willing to humor her two geeky kids) was still only willing to go down there once every few months.

In the mid-90's, the business model changed. 1) Diamond Comic Distributors became a monopolistic titan, the only way comic companies (large and small) could get their comics out to market. 2) Someone on the magazine racks figured out that they could make more money selling a $7.00 copy of Maxim than a $2.00 copy of X-Men.

Comics also decided that, if they were to be taken seriously, they must abandon the news stands and be available only in bookstores, like respectable books, or in comic shops, like, uhmmm... Well, it was a place to go buy comics where the clerk wouldn't raise her eyebrows as your comic passed over the electric eye. "Aren't you a little old for the funny books, sweetie?"

The chilling effect on the comic book industry has been staggering.

Essentially, a generation of kids was told they were not welcome to get involved. Comics were a commodity available only in specialized shops, usually off the beaten path, and certainly not a place your average mom or dad was already travelling to pick up a newspaper and a Slurpee. And believe me, I've seen the horrified looks of the mothers when they walk into the shops... they eye the pictures of the mostly naked warrior girls, with ridiculous proportions, and why, exactly, would a mother think leaving her kid alone with cartoon porn seem like a good idea..?

Simply put, readers are drifting, and no new readers are replacing them. At one point, Action Comics sold around a million copies each time it published. The numbers today are around 36,000 each issue. That's horrible. That isn't the sign of a healthy industry which can sustain itself. Make fun of the Silver-Age all you want, but back then they were selling the heck out of comics at drug stores and news stands.

With movies like Spider-Man out there, and Spider-Man selling t-shirts, underwear, costumes, video games and every conceivable outlet for the Spider-Man logo... why weren't the publishers making sure the original product was at eye level for 8 year olds to pick up? Flooding the comic shops is selling to the choir. Hoping people who already love Spider-man will pick up Spider-Man is redundant.

But Marvel is learning. Marvel, who had led the charge at the turn of the millenium to ensure comics were an ADULT medium and drove teh market mostly into direct market resale, is now taking a step back in the face of ever dwindling sales. Marvel is going into Barnes and Noble, and Marvel is going into 7-11's all over again.

And while even your standard faire of Batman and the X-Men might need to drop a few profanities to make the world safe from over-anxious mothers again, it's fantastic for the industry as a whole.

Regarding the usual screams of disapproval from loser fanboys trying to ensure comics are only for them and not for kids... As always, Heidi says it all better than me...

According to Newsarama, the Marvel Adventures line will spearhead the move into the 7-11s. The line, aimed at younger readers, is not popular with comic book fans. Nor should it be -- it isn't aimed at them. The Millarworld thread I alluded to in a previous entry was largely given over to the usual argument over whether kids will read these books, whether kids read comics, etc etc etc. To which I can only say...

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, WILL YOU PEOPLE GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS?


So, start looking for comics as they pop up in magazine racks once again. Look for them at the grocery and at the airport. Hopefully DC and other companies will follow suit and the fate of comics will be taken out of the hands of fate as created by us geeks and put back into the world of kids discovering them for the first time.

Friday, March 04, 2005

because when it comes to being low of brow, the League is not shy about going Caveman.



Where is the Comics Code Authority when you need them?
Happy B-Day, Mum

By the way, today is my mother's birthday. My mother never visits this website, so I probably shouldn't bother even putting any post up, but she's my mum, and it's worth mentioning her b-day.

Happy B-Day, Mum.


Although he believes in truth and justice, Superman is not above getting a little petty about getting kick-ass presents on birthdays. Perhaps this is the "American Way" bit.
A Mrs. League Ocean Friends Update

(Last one, I PROMISE)

Bubba lives on!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

A Sad Mrs. League Ocean Friends Update

Leaguers, I'm not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.

Poor Bubba

Farewell Mr. Pinchy...
A Birthday for Jason.

So, Leaguers, my brother turns 32 years young on March 17th.

As a child it drove me nuts that not only was he two years older, he was two years and one month older than me. I had a whole MONTH to sit around and be grouchy as he had already had a birthday party and I had not yet had a party of my own.

These days, the month gives me a good amount of time to point and laugh at Steanso for being so much older than me. Why, when he's 32, I'll still be in my twenties for just under a month.

(Shit. I'm turning 30...)

I need to get him something for his birthday, and for most of my life, this has been fairly easy. I walk into his room/ apartment/ house and see what he is lacking, and then make a best guess from there. Now, however, he's got an income and I can no longer easily pick out that which he is missing as I live 1000 miles away.

So what do I get him? Leaguers, it's up to you to make suggestions because I simply do not know.


I have it on good authority that Jason would love this model of the Key to the Fortress of Solitude...

Sadly, after going to the dentist yesterday, what I will need for my birthday is cash to cover the deductible for the work they're going to do. Stupid dentist.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Super Friends meets Office Space.

Not office friendly.

Thanks to Justin Cone for the link.

Oh, and, Jason.... the link works, you might have to actually download Quicktime.

And, as long as I have your attention, what do you want for your birthday? Your Amazon Wish List is like 5 years old.
A Mrs. League Ocean Friends Update

BUBBA!

Bubba is a 22 lb lobster who was saved from boiling water by the owner of a fish market. They estimate that since it takes 5-7 years for a lobster to grow a pound, Bubba might be 100 years old!

The real reason I posted this article comes about halfway down the page. Now, I love animals and all and consider myself to be pretty left leaning but one group I find to sometimes go above and beyond good intentions is PETA. Of course PETA wanted Bubba to be released into the oceans instead of headed to the Ripley's believe it or not museum (where he is indeed headed). Now, to me, if "Mr. Pinchy" is 100 years old, this crusty crustacean has probably had his fill of frolicking under the sea. Why not let him get out and see the world?

At least he should be safe from People for Eating Tasty Animals, who apparently have offered up $350 for him.
Couple of bits and pieces

1) We had to move the laptop off of the couch and out of the living room where it usually sits. The laptop usually sits there as the oracle for League HQ. Jamie and I frequently get into disputes over minor things, such as: Was Ladder 49 a financially successful movie at the box office? I say: No. Jamie says: Yes. She then can get online and pull up the actual box office receipts and mock me for my lack of Hollywood insider-ship.

Unfortunately in our house, the Oracle is necessary to keep disputes from running on for hours. However, Lucy took an interest in the power cord to the computer, and so we quickly moved it to a minimum safe distance and into the bedroom. And as I usually write at night after Jamie goes to sleep, I keep forgetting to grab the laptop before she dozes off. So, I've been neglectful in my posting duties.

2) Lucy is already sleeping soundly in her cage at night. Last night she managed to put up a minimum of fuss when it was bedtime. I sort of plopped her in the kennel, and she just watched me shut down the house. It was very sweet.

So, bottom line, no more howling puppies at 3:30am. The trick now is to make sure Lucy uses the dry pads I put in her kennel during the night. They're sort of like flat diapers and soak up quite a big of puppy pee.

I am unsure of how people with actual children cope. Perhaps, should a child ever enter into the League's picture, we will still have the kennel on hand and can train the baby that way. I aint' gettin' up at 3:00am for no cryin' baby.

3) We did not get Lucy specifically for Mel. I am unsure of how this rumor began. That said, Leaguers, dogs are pack animals, and I've always felt guilty that Mel was alone so much of the day. This meant all he did during most days was lay in the sun and sleep, which is not great for him either mentally or physically. That, and Jamie and I were more or less his only form of entertainment, which isn't always a good match when you're at work most of the day. So, yes, now he has a buddy.

Mel and Lucy are already an interesting pairing. She's taken to chewing on his head, and he's taken to enjoying it. Actually, I'm not sure that allowing her to chew on his head is always his repsonse. This morning I watched Mel wrestling with Lucy in the yard before I left. He is reminding her he outweighs her at least 6-to-1. But they both seem pretty happy with one another.

4) All-in-all, everything else is quiet on the home front. I have to mail my Mom's birthday present this morning as her birthday is on Friday. I am sure Jason remembered to buy her a present or at least sent a card.

Monday, February 28, 2005

heh heh heh heh heh heh heh

just keep in mind... this show is intended for small children. But that doesn't mean The LEague won't tune in.

Preview for Krypto... THE SUPERDOG!!!!
Hi all.

People seem more interested in the lighting conditions of my backyard and the fact that I am wearing a hat than they seem interested in the actual puppy. But, it is, after all, a puppy, and what are you going to say about that?



Mel looks on as Lucy tries to escape

Note, the lighting conditions are better. Taking photos in Arizona is tough as light is always white and harsh, and our backyard has two large trees which cut the light and drastically change where your f-stop should be.

Also in the photo is my magical weekend hat which caused such a ruckus. It is a Chicago Cubs hat. I am not a baseball fan, but I do like watching The Cubbies. The hat grants me the magical ability of not being able to grab the pennant.

Last night and the nigth before Jamie and I went to bed super early in an attempt to get the pets to go to bed early. I think last night went better regarding Lucy's yipping in her kennel. Jamie did not agree. But it is safe to say that The League slept like a log between yipping sessions.

To answer Randy's questions: No, The League is still The League of Melbotis. Lucy will not be asked to lend her name to the blog's title. At the end of the day, it's all about Mel.

Mel is getting along swimmingly with the puppy. He seems fine when the two of them have been left alone, and already i've caught them lying about together in the sunlight. Once Lucy calms down a bit and adjusts to her new home, I think Mel will like her a bit better.

For the time being, he is being very needy and pushing Lucy out of the way when he gets the chance to get some attention.

Jeff the Cat has been hiding in the bedroom. Occasionally he will sit on our kitchen blockade and hiss at Lucy. I suspect their friendship will take much longer to blossom.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Hey, Ya'll...

BIG NEWS AT THE LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS

The League asks you to welcome new Leaguer, Lucy "Goosey" Steans.



Lucy's plans at the League include:

1) a lot of rockin'
2) sniffing
3) peeing on the carpet
4) being dwarfed by Mel
5) preventing us from getting any sleep

Lucy says hello, and while she does not yet know you, she already loves you.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

A long time ago in these pages I mentioned that Scottsdale, one of the cities surrounding Phoenix, was sort of the equivalent of Westlake in Austin. But that's not really accurate, because Scottsdale is also the defining area of The Valley of the Sun. Folks here don't want to live in Phoenix (which is not really considered much of a destination at all). Scottsdale is where the rich folks live and spend money, and where folks of more modest means live in order to bathe in the glow. It's where Mike Tyson disappeared to, and even luminaries such as Maureen O'Hara make it their home. It's the part of town where people actually own H2s and can't understand why you don't shop at the Pottery Barn (although there are vast expanses where Pottery Barn is more or less considered dorm furniture). To associate yourself with Scottsdale is to associate yourself with a certain image of wealth and beauty and a happening night life, etc...

But the point is, it's not just living in Scottsdale, it's the dream of living in Scottsdale.

A few days ago I trekked down to the Supercuts, which is where The League chooses to spend his meager pay on keeping his hair out of his eyes. Parted to the side, kept high and tidy... This time, despite the fact that I walked in with pretty much exactly the haircut I wanted and I gave the same instructions I give EVERY time I get my haircut, something went wrong. Not too wrong, but the girl didn't really leave it the way I wanted it, and then she started spiking my hair straight up. Sort of in the fashion of, say, Ashley Simpson's rhythm guitarist. This was immediately after I'd explained I worked in an office and was headed right back to work.

So I returned to my office, having tried desperately to smooth down my hair, and explained to my co-workers that I was NOT happy with my haircut, and if they could ignore the little spikes of hair going everywhere, I'd appreciate it. Thank you.

"But that's the style," one of my co-workers insisted.
"I could care less."
"All the guys are spiking their hair straight up."
"I'm 6'5" and chubby. I don't need a hair cut ten years too young for me and meant for guys really into Blink-182 drawing attention to my Klingon head."
"But that's the style."
And that's sort of how I feel about the whole deal. 1) If you don't go with the asinine WB/MTV house-approved hair style, you're doing it wrong. And people genuinely feel you're doing it wrong. 2) It was a stupid looking hair cut, and it wasn't what I asked for (if I wanted fancy, God knows I would not be going to Supercuts), and yet the Supercuts lady gave it to me because it was the style. Because that's what the beautiful people in Scottsdale are doing.

I'm surprised the barber didn't glue the all-popular chin fuzz to my face all the kids are sporting.

And do you know what the hot new trend is which is being sold at the Abercrombie and Fitch? I know this, because I work near Abercrombie and Fitch... It's basically the Izod/ Polo/ expensive "golf shirt" with the collar turned up. Which was a good idea about the same time as Teen Wolf was a swell notion.

Even then it was a stupid sort of thing to do, but there have been so many, many dumber things since then, that I think a little upturned collar is probably manageable. I'm just surprised that, for their personal styling, folks are adopting movie short-hand for rich, arrogant, bastards in sore need of a come-uppance. It's sort of like getting a top hat and growing a long mustache you plan to twirl.

But I guarantee you this. By Monday, all the kids in Scottsdale will be wearing their collars turned up to match their bleached hair and chin-slinkees.

But part of not going nuts out here has involved saying to yourself "Okay, I have absolutely zero interest in playing golf, in going shopping at The Biltmore, in going and looking at resorts I am not staying at. But I don't need to be a jerk about it to the folks who live here and that's why they moved here." They moved here to be young and beautiful, to live in a place where it's sunny all the time (but you still fake-tan), to be able to golf at over 400 courses. They moved here to spend two or three years having get away weekends to San Diego and Sedona before they shoot out their own version of Kelsey and Tyler, give the little runts a credit card, and, when they're 18, the kids go to the state university.

"So have you and Jamie made it up to Scottsdale on the weekends?"
"No. Not really."
"You should go up there." My co-worker had sort of brought the topic up, unprovoked, during lunch.
"It's like an hour drive from my house," I shrugged. "That's a hike to go grab dinner."
"Where have you been?" my other co-worker asked.
"I dunno. Sometimes we come up to Tempe."
"You need to come up to Scottsdale."
"To do what?"
"To see the resorts." (I've learned not to question this. You're supposed to go and marvel at hotels you can't afford to stay at.)
"Uh-huh."
"And there are a lot of places to eat up there."
"Okay."
"You need to go."
"It's like an hour. That's like, if I were in Austin, jumping in the car and going to San Antonio for dinner."
"There's other stuff to do."
"Okay. Like what?"
"We have a movie theater..."
And he was sort of getting pissed at this point. And do what? Go out to eat and then do what? I'm all for a nice meal, but I think an hour to drive to sit in a restaurant is kind of far. I'm not really interested in looking in store windows and hanging out at hotels I'm not staying at...
But I couldn't shake the feeling he was taking my disinterest as a personal attack, so I made something up about going up there and he sort of let it go.

I want to have fun. I really do. I like to, uh, hoot and holler. But sometimes people's definitions of a good idea just don't mesh. There's something about the worship of glamour and leisure which seems disingenuous, and trying to be somewhere just to say you were somewhere without somehow, I don't, at least trying to not just be a tourist in your own town seems like an odd choice.

And I guess this is what they mean by "outside the mainstream". If we learned one thing in the past year, it's that it is bad to not be caught up in the middle of what the hell else everyone else is doing. And don't mistake this for some sign of me patting myself on the back for feeling that living an hour outside of anything considered interesting is some sort of rebellion. This is a goddamn pity party if there ever was one.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I'm not passing judgement, I'm just bearing witness.

Mov. file. Manages to be both totally office safe, and yet not office safe.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Superman, my Loyal Leaguers, is a dick.

I think I linked to this a while back, but it's been re-brought to my attention by Mssrs. Harms and D.

But HE'S SUPERMAN!!! How can he be a dick?

Check out both this link and this link.

Keep in mind how DC was dreaming up its story ideas under Julie Schwartz. Julie would get one of his cover artists to draw up a cover with a crazy concept with a bizarre and seemingly inescapable situation for our heroes. Then, he would make the writers and artists drum up a story which would work to fulfill the expectations set by the cover WITHOUT upsetting the status quo of the comics. This led to some of the kookier, zanier ideas which were the hallmark of DC's Silver Age.

Again, thanks for the links. Now go take a look and be amazed at how cold hearted The Big Blue Boyscout can be.



Boy, does THAT bring back some memories.
Teaser art from the upcoming All-Star Superman comic series from the amazing Grant Morrison and Astounding Frank Quitely.


This is honestly the creepiest thing I've ever heard.

"The head that was removed from Manar in the operation which ended early Saturday had developed no body, and was capable of smiling and blinking, but not independent life."

--Mrs. League
I now know what I want for my birthday.
Welcome to the World, John Edward Thweatt

Congratulations to Lee and Sarah. They done had themselves boy numero three.

John Edward Thweatt was born, I think, yesterday. He's reportedly:

7 lbs, 10 ounces
19 inches long

Likes: Floating inverted in amniotic fluid and eating with his navel.
Dislikes: Air conditioning, staying awake for longer than ten minutes at a time (proof positive he's Lee's child).


John begins his plot to overthrow civilization.
Teaser art for the upcoming All-Star Batman and Robin by Frank Miller and Jim Lee.


Monday, February 21, 2005

Hunter S. Thompson is dead at 67.

May he find a place wherein he no longer has to take any guff from those swine.
ASLEEP IN THE SEA


For those of you in the Austin, Tejas area, or for those of you who might be travelling there for SXSW, I got a show for you to see.

My student worker, Tom, is all set to play SXSW with his rockin' band, Asleep in the Sea.

Here is what their little blurb says:

Indie pop-rock group; together since Spring 2004. Self-released debut EP “Yay! OK? Yeah.”, as well as their childishly amusing live show, can be characterized by beautiful three part harmonies, cute yet disturbing lyrics, and catchy sing-along choruses. Currently recording full-length album; seeking label and booking.

I believe they are playing the first night of SXSW. You should go check them out, and keep shouting "TOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!" throughout their set. Tom would appreciate that.
A Super-Invitation, continued...

Hey, all.

After getting an e-mail or two, and checking the comments section, I thought I'd pop in and clear up some logistical details on the Superman movie screenings.

1) Jim has not yet secured the film prints. This means a) this might not happen if he can't get the prints, and b) we can't say when the screening will be until Jim knows when the film is available.

So, don't ask me when the screening is until we know when Jim can get the prints. I would estimate mid-Summer.

2) Everybody is welcome. Superman is a PG movie, so bring your Ma and Pa for all I care. This is an open invitation to come check out THE GREATEST MOTION PICTURE EVER MADE.

So, if you can read these words, Jim and I would want you there.

See you in Otisberg.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

THE LEAGUE TAKES A MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR TO SEE: CONSTANTINE

So, As mentioned here a short while ago, The League was deeply skeptical over the new Warner Bros. film, Constantine.

I'm not going to re-hash my reservations about the film AGAIN, so if you want to know what they were, and you were too lazy to click the link the first time, you may do so now. We'll be here when you get back.

Viewed without any prior knowledge of the Hellblazer comic books, I think Constantine stacks up fairly well. Or at least I think it does. It's sort of hard to tell. Jamie seemed to think it made sense, anyway.

Viewed with knowledge of the comic books, it was a sort of "Oh, why did they do that?" mish-mash of items from and not from the comics. The flick was definitely sculpted in the studio system, and thusly, a lot of stylistic choices were made from the second scene of the movie which I might not have agreed with, but which seemed to work fairly well.

To attempt to drop a synopsis of the plot here would either drag on too long or make the movie sound sort of more ridiculous than it really was.

Keanu Reeves plays a snarky version of Keanu Reeves as titular character John Constantine. To discuss Reeves' poor acting ability is to belabor the obvious, and yet, doing so fills me with a warm sense of self-satisfaction... Reeves, after dozens of movies and now at two decades as a major actor, is still one of the most wooden actors I can think of, and, honestly, I think he was terribly miscast for the role. The decision to add him into the mix was no doubt a business decision, made when the studios were misinterpreting the success of the Matrix films as being drawn from Reeves' 10-gigowatts of star power instead of Kung-Fu and explosions. Hoping to score big once again, WB tossed him into this picture, in order to, I guess, make another franchise picture. (For further examples, check out how 2 years ago some WB execs really, really, really wanted Ashton Kutscher to play Superman. Because he has a bajillion gigowatts of pure STARPOWER!!!!!!)

I didn't really notice Reeves' was looking so awkward until he had his scene at about page 30 with Gabriel, played by Tilda Swinton. Apparently this Swinton person is a very popular actress in a bunch of movies not containing robots, monkeys or people in capes, so The League saw her 11 years ago in Orlando and then immediately forgot all about her. BUT, she's really very, very good in the few scenes she appears in.

And therein lies Reeves' dilemma. Alone, in short, choppy scenes, he's okay. But give him the rest of the assembled cast to deal with, and suddenly he's sticking out like a sore thumb.

For people unfamiliar with the way Constantine works, and the way magic more or less works in DC Comics, they provide us with the token "Tour guide" character in the form of Rachel Weisz. She's also the love and interest, who serves as a landing pad for the exposition as Constantine moves from scene to scene. She's the lynchpin of the plot, and she plays her part about as well as could be expected, so I pretty much forgave her for taking on this thankless role.

Couple of points:

a) This is an odd movie for product placement, and yet there it is. A Chevy ad plays a small role in the film. Jamie and I had a short debate over whether or not Quizno's and 7-11 had paid for product placement (she believed they had, I wasn't so sure). But the fact of the matter is that a Quizno's does, in fact appear in the film in big, neon letters. And, you sort of think that perhaps Constantine is headed for the Quizno's after battling a buggy demon.

b) The poor Mexican dude. What a thankless, and, in the end, pointless role. That whole character and "storyline" needed a re-write and could have been eliminated. Spoiler here: Why did the cows die but people are immune? What was compelling the dude to make a run for the border? None of this is really ever fleshed out. It sort of just happens.

c) Papa Midnight's club was kind of neat, but with so few "normal" people inhabiting this movie, it fell into the same trap as movies like Underworld. It's all monsters, so, you know, what's special about any one of the characters? In this movie, there's nothing special about Constantine. He's just one of many of these folks running around the world.

It's worthless to sit back and say "Well, if I'd directed the movie, I would have done x, y and z." But this is my review, and I'm going to do it anyway.

This movie could have really benefitted from the "less is more" school of story telling. The first two scenes involve some large scale special effects, establishing for the viewer that Constantine and his like-minded mystical pals must be operating out in the open. By NOT showing a demon in the first five minutes, the movie could have tried to actually build a level of terror. After all, you aren't afraid of the dark when you're in a dark room, you're scared of what you can't see that might be out there. Sadly, this movie cost $100 million, so you know they aren't going to NOT show off their very expensive effects, and thusly, removed any terror element which could have helped to build atmosphere.

The movie seemed to want to pick up on a lot of neat little plot elements from the comics and cram them all into one movie. Unfortunately in doing so, it sort of created a "Hogwarts for taxpayers" filmic universe. You get to see John's neat toys, and see some of the magical crowd he runs around with. The movie invents a sort of "Q" character to provide John with his magical shot gun (seriously), his cockroach, his Nimbus 3000, and other doo-dads. They brought in characters from the comics (but to tell is to give away the plot, somewhat), and turned Chas from an old, long-suffering pal into an eager-beaver Robin proto-type.

The decision to add a "Q" character, on the outside, seems like a decent one. It ALMOST worked in Van Helsing, but not quite. But these "Q" guys are meant to assist people who are too busy punching people to fill out Purchase Order forms. The movie does re-cast Constantine as a guy who can kick-ass (as we witness in the 3rd reel) , which is a serious departure from the comics, where John gets beat up quite regularly. I think in the context of the movie, John being a ninja-master of magic sort of works, but it wasn't really necessary.

Oddly, of the elements which they did keep, two of the most important were given only the lightest of lip service.

1) Magic has a price. Jamie felt this was mentioned, and it was, but it also defines who John Constantine is from the comics. He's not a snarky bastard because he was born that way, he's a snarky bastard because life made him that way. He found out about magic, and it's cost him at every turn. If he's cutting jokes, it's in order to keep him from crying. One doesn't just muck with the laws of physics and not expect some backlash.

2) For John, these things tend to come back at him in the form of dead friends. When John goes out of his way to, say, prevent the end of known existence, and even if he's done everything just right, somebody ends up getting it. To make matters more interesting, these people are usually damned to follow John around for eternity. Some would speculate that John doesn't really see the ghosts, he's just suffering from some serious guilt and a derth of friends.

John actually mentions how he "doesn't need any more ghosts", but they never really elaborate.

Instead, the movie kind-of, sort-of makes him a wise-cracking jerk. But they never really commit. It's an odd choice, and it doesn't give Keanu a lot of room fo rhis already limited choices.

In a way, this movie was better than I was actually expecting, but that isn't really saying much. It's a renter, but it's not going to be one to be filed away for future generations of movie fans. I suspect comic fans will keep it alive on video for years.

Had they spent 1/4 of what they did, I think the producers might have felt less pressure to fill every scene with bat winged demons and zombie types. That wasn't the case, and I think for some folks, this movie is going to be fun. It has lots of crazy stuff, nifty explosions, and manages to treat the material seriously.

I'll put it this way: The League enjoyed seeing it, but isn't going to be running out to buy the poster for his dorm room.

On the plus side, the trailers for Batman Begins and Sin City had me giggling with girlish glee.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

So...

A SUPER invitation from Jim!

Jim D isn't just a somewhat competent attorney, he's also something of a film nerd. Scratch that, Jim is a HUGE film nerd. Why, back in film school, Jim didn't just pay lip service to understanding and enjoying foreign film, he actually showed genuine appreciation for the film of other lands. HA HA HA HA HA HA

Oh, Jim.

In the past year, Jim teamed up with a different pal of his from film school and shot and produced a feature length film. See Pleadings stuff here.

As if that's not enough, Jim is also, apparently, chairman of the film board for the local vintage theater. Pretty crazy. This means Jim gets to chair the group which selects the movies the theater shows during their summer film series (Jim, step in here any time if I'm getting these details incorrect).

As part of his duties, Jim is looking into whether or not he can secure prints of Superman: The Movie and Superman II. So, Jim has asked if I want to join him the sprawling metropolis of Beaumont, Texas for a day or two and be a part of the screening.

Well, Leaguers, it's been about 25 years since I've seen either movie on the big screen, so my heart is a-twitter. That twitter may just be the 35 minutes I just did on the elliptical machine, but I'm pretty sure it's some form of genuine excitement.

With a new Superman movie shooting in March, it's a great chance for the good folks of Beaumont, TX to see the movies which are going to be the basis for the new film (basically, the new film is supposed to pick up where Superman II left off, ignoring Superman III and IV altogether). So, in a way, this a very unqique opportunity for an audience to take in the full cinematic experience just a year before the next film is released.

Apparently Jim has shown his creative side in his chairmanship and tries to set the mood for the film out in the lobby before showtime even begins. For example, before showing Glory, they might have Civil War re-enactors hanging out. Before showing Raging Bull, a shirtless and sweaty Randy will punch you in the face for a dollar.

This is all contingent on Jim securing prints of the two movies, as I will not show up for, say, BlankMan.

Part of me is also trying to figure out how to get a Jor-El costume together before the screening, because Lord knows I am NOT squeezing into any blue unitards, no matter how funny the final effect might be.

So, if this pans out, I welcome EACH AND EVERY LOYAL LEAGUER to join us in Beaumont, Texas for one AMAZING DAY as we screen two great movies. We will, of course, go drinking immediately after the films are over.

More details to come.
I don't know if anyone else watched Smallville last night, but that episode was pretty funny.

No, they did not end up calling the dog "Krypto" at the end of the episode, despite what Clark wanted to do. Instead, the dog is named "Shelby", which is pretty cool. Jeph Loeb, former Superman writer and current producer on Smallville, had established in the graphic novel "Superman For All Seasons" that Clark had a dog named Shelby when he was in high school. Voila! It all ties together neatly in a way which is pleasing to us comic nerds.

In discussions with The League's brother last night, he mentioned that my entries in these pages are not as lengthy as they once were. I suspect he is right on the nose about that one. At one point, entries were topping three or four pages, and these days, I do seem to keeping it brief.

There are probably several mitigating factors.

a) I have already covered a lot of ground and I only have so many stories which are really fit to print or which are even all that amusing.

b) I am a busy beaver with work, as I once was, but I have come to often feel that my off-work hours can also be spent doing things which don't involve as much in the way of blogging. Last semester, school was a bear. Now, I'm also trying to make time for reading and doing other things which I haven't really been doing a lot of.

c) Sometimes it's tough to get revved up to write some three page essay on the merits of Sid and Marty Krofft. Something will seem like an ingenious idea in the elevator on the way down to the car, and when you sit down with the old laptop to write about it, you got nothing.

d) My audience is weird. I have no idea who visits here on a regular basis, or how often, so the idea of cranking out 3 or 4 pages per day every day seems like it would be less attractive to people who only occasionally pop in. Who needs to get that involved in my personal navel-gazing when it actually takes effort?

e) My topics of discussion are probably edited more than I'd like for them to be. Here at The League, we try to play good host and avoid Sex, Religion and Politics. This isn't just because we're trying to be polite, it's also because The League is not a place for well-thought out discussion on much of anything. If I wanted to play High School Forensics Club, I'd set up a separate site to do so.

I do think there are great forums for debate on these topics, and debating these topics is both intelligent and human. However, The League is neither of these things, and so would rather investigate the mysteries of the useless.

f) I think I'm rambling slightly less and editing out points which repeat. By this I mean, I'm finding things which I already said, and cutting them out. So, when something I already said appears, I can make the appropriate edits.

g) I'll be honest, some days blogging is a bit like howling into the wind. You write a 3-4 page treatise on the wonders of The Banana Splits, and nobody responds. It's sort of the same uncomfortable effect you get when you finish a lengthy statement at the Thanksgiving table regarding the welfare of mankind, there's an awkward pause, and then Aunt Gertie starts talking about how her bunion is keeping her from making it to Plinko night at the Senior Center. After that, you're most likely to keep it a little more on the low-down.

That's really the best explanation I can give you. Everything winds down after a while. I've already kept with this blogging hoo-hah far longer than I ever intended to. While I am not feeling the desire to put the final kaibosh on The League, I think I've more or less pushed the limits of what I'm going to do here, as well as the limits of the patience of the average human for comic-related trivia.

I guess all I can say is that the thing which makes me most inspired to keep involved with The League is reader feedback via e-mail or comments. No comments (in my ego-driven mind) equates to no readers, or at least no interest in what people are reading.

So if you're out there, say hullo from time to time.

And, now, "Superman is a...". Content is office friendly. Title of the website is probably not office friendly, unless your office is more fun than my own.

Tomorrow: Earth-Shattering invitation from Jim D.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Hey, DO NOT FORGET TO SET YOUR VCRs!

Smallville is on tonight, and it's the "Krypto" episode.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Bit and Pieces:

Good dog.

And, hey... Right on.

Also, the Minnesota Vikings were just purchased by a dude from right here in Chandler, AZ. Apparently there's a really rich guy named reggie living right here in my own backyard.

Reed, I hope you like the idea of cheering for the Chandler Vikings.
It's good to see fine art appreciated.
Oy.

I went to the doctor today. I'm not sick, but I switched insurance this year and I decided to start seeing Jamie's doctor since he seems like a non-quack.

Anyhoo, I mostly talked to his PA or NP or whatever, and then Dr. Chang came in, looked me square in the eye and said, "You need to eat less and exercise everyday. But I am not telling you anything you don't already know."

So, it's back to the gym for Ryan as we try to keep the Grim Reaper from coming to collect for a while longer yet.

I have a few wishes regarding death.

1) I don't want to die in some embarassing way. Depending on what you read, Elvis died after a particularly hearty BM. His girlfriend found him face down on the bathroom rug, pants around his ankles. I'd like to avoid this scene for both my sake, and that of Jamie and the funeral workers.

2) I'd like for my death to be a complete surprise. For example, I'll take a piano falling from a tenth story window and squishing me, but I'd prefer just not to know the big one is coming. WHAMMO and over with. Especially if it's a wacky sudden death such as a falling piano. That'd be great.

3) I don't want to outlive everyone I know. That's just way too Omega Man for my tastes. However, if everyone turns into zombies, I'm going to stick around, because then you've still sort of got company and I always wanted to see the final fate of humanity.

4) I'd prefer not to die in front of children. I just wouldn't feel very good about scarring some little kid for life.

5) If I can't have a surprise death, I hope I don't go down without a fight. I'm not talking about fighting some disease, because that's obvious. I mean I hope I'm old, senile and not afraid to take out an orderly or two before I go down.

6) I hope I can take Jason with me.

7) I'd like a Viking Funeral on Town Lake. Load me up with all my earthly possessions, float me past the bridge and then light me up. Also, I'd like for someone to play Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" as I go up.

I don't think any of this is too much to ask for. You have to think about these things in advance or you're never going to be prepared when your number is up.

Monday, February 14, 2005

A Eulogy for Ninja-Boy

Friend, Conversation Piece, Goldfish


Ninja-Boy, goldfish of the Amazing Steanso, was found floating, pectorals up, this morning. I have decided to eulogize Ninja-Boy in the way most befitting. By quoting Spock's Eulogy by Kirk from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead.

And yet, it should be noted, that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world, a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or an empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this...

Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most -

human.


GODSPEED, NINJA BOY.
Mrs. League here.

In honor of Valentine's Day, I urge you to not allow your loved ones to eat this. The Hamdog.

Leaguers, this is the most disgusting item of 'food' I have ever seen. A brief description:

"a hot dog wrapped by a beef patty that's deep fried, covered with chili, cheese and onions and served on a hoagie bun. Oh yeah, it's also topped with a fried egg and two fistfuls of fries"

Bleargh.


I would also like to wish the League a Happy Valentine's Day. He is truly the bestest husband in the world! Thanks for a wonderful Valentine's Day weekend!
Happy Valentine's Day, Leaguers!

Jamie and I sort of already had Valentine's Day over the weekend. Sorry, Jamie. No big surprises today.

We went and saw the travelling show of The Lion King, which was much better than you would think it would be. After the fiasco we had going to the theater last time, I was feeling a bit nervous about going to the show once again, but it all panned out just fine. Leaguers, it's the circle of life, and it moves us all.

Jamie and I will probably stay in and eat sandwiches for Valentine's Day dinner. I'm not sure if that's romantic, but that's what I've got planned.

If you want to read up on what Valentine's Day is (aside from one of very few holidays that involves both the name of a Saint and occassionally the exchanging of saucy underwear), you can check out the History Channel's web-site here.


A scene from the early stages of Mr. and Mrs. League's relationship.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

It's Krypto week here at The League.

Who is Krypto?

Back in the Silver Age of comics, the editors at DC Comics did not want the worlds of their characters growing boring. So, legend has it, the editors literally asked their young children and nieces and nephews for ideas from time to time. They'd ask, "So, you read these Superman comics I leave about. What would it be neat if Superman could do?"

The legend goes on to say that the kids eventually decided it would be neat if Superboy could have a dog of his own. See, Leaguers, you may think the WB's Smallville was the only place we've ever seen Clark Kent come into his own, but for years and years, Superboy had his own comic series (Adventure Comics) in which he saved the citizens of Smallville from various menaces.

So it came to pass that the readers learned that Superboy's father, Jor-El, was no chump. He had not sent his son off into space in an untested rocket. In fact, Jor-El had built a test rocket and launched it into space, manned with the family dog. Sort of a Laika from Krypton deal.

Anyhoo, Krypto's rocket was knocked off-course, but did, eventually, find its way to earth some time after Clark Kent had put on his long johns and taken to patrolling the greater Smallville metroplex from 2000 feet.



Post-Crisis, Krypto disappeared from DC Comics, written off as too silly or too outlandish for comics which are supposed to take themselves seriously. But you can't keep a good dog down, and when Jeph Loeb got involved with Superman comics around 2000, he wanted to bring back Krypto (along with a lot of Superman's Silver-Age Sci-Fi kookiness).

And while it drove some comics fans INSANE that Superman would once again have a super-powered dog, Loeb reintroduced Krypto. Why does Krypto drive comic nerds nuts? A lot of comic fans somehow perceive their favorite art form isn't taken seriously, and believe this will change if folks understand that they only read comics about kick-ass guys like, say, Wolverine or The Punisher, or other characters who stab people a lot. Flying dogs with heat vision don't fall into that picture terribly well.

But some readers really enjoyed Krypto, and a lot of folks working in Hollywood also still like the idea.

And so, Krypto is coming to television in two new forms!

On March 25th (a day which is important for some other reason, but I cannot recall why...) Krypto is coming to Cartoon Network as part of a new all-Krypto animated series. From these publicity pictures, it appears Ace The Bat-Hound is also joining the club.



Reuniting Superboy with Superdog, Smallville on the WB! is featuring an episode this Wednesday entitled "Krypto". Not exactly sure what the episode is about, but here's a picture of a guest-star.