Report From K-ZOO, MI
I know you were wondering how our man in Kalamazoo is doing. Arden is, apparently, big into citrus. Which is good. That's calcium for his growing bones.


Arden and an unknown companion enjoy half of a grapefruit

Orson Welles: Dark Knight Detective

Check it out. Shoemaker sends an article from a few years ago by comic scribe Mark (Ultimates) Millar.

I knew that American icon Orson Welles had once portrayed "The Shadow" on a radio show, but I wasn't aware that at one point Welles had been in development on a "Batman" movie.

Read more here.

This sounds totally amazing, if true. I'd never heard this before, and I've seen no evidence any other place. But, what the hell... I choose to believe it because it sounds pretty kick-ass.

Shall we to Ostrich Fest?

It's the 18th Annual Ostrich Fest here in Chandler, AZ this weekend. Completely unrelated, I've got both Jamie's folks en route, but the Admiral and KareBear shall be here on Saturday. That's a lot of parents by anybody's count.

So, realizing I shall have to entertain a lot of grown-ups, I am wondering, do I take them to the Ostrich Festival? After all

Friday night's entertainment is... JOAN JETT AND THE BLACKHEARTS (and you know what, Leaguers..? I DO love rock 'n roll).

Saturday: The Village People and The Little River Band.

Sunday: CHARO!!!! Yes, Charo shall be gracing our fair little hamlet with her oversized... uh, personality. Huzzah! It's Charo.

Who knows what mysteries await us this weekend? I really, really have to think of someway to entertain the parents before The Moms get into some kind of knife fight or parenting stand-off.

I dunno. I'm considering taking the four of them out to the desert and letting them try out the whole survivalist thing.

Former Beatle to save monkeys in Chandler?

Dolph sends this article.

I, for one, would like to think no monkeys will be injured in the making of this suburb.

Look, what am i supposed to say? I like people jabbing monkeys? I don't want bigger and better medicines approved and distributed?

This is a pickle, people. A pickle.

Now, I'm actually pretty anti-animal testing for cosmetic products. I see no reason to shove makeup in a bunny's eye at this late stage to see if it will be a problem. Have you SEEN the make-up aisle at Target? You can't get that many different colors of red if you spent all day mixing paint at Home Depot. We're done. No new lipstick colors.

Anyhow, I'll be curious to see how this pans out. I'm really excited about the prospect of running into Sir Paul at the grocery.

The Year of Superman

Hey, at League of Melbotis, every year is the year of Superman. But at Warner Bros. they've gone ahead and made it official for 2006.

Check out the new website

The site features a great montage of clips from various incarnations of Superman in film and in the movies as well as information of the upcoming film "Superman Returns" and all of the DVD sets coming out.

The League has a lot of catching up to do.

Power Girl

Somebody put together a Power Girl fan film. You can watch it here.


These guys need a much better editor, or better coverage or a better sense of timing or something. The video itself isn't all that great, but for those of us who've long found Power Girl charming, the video is kind of funny.

If nothing else, you get to see what Power Girl would look like in real life. Extra kudos to the actress playing Karen for:

a) wearing the Power Girl costume and not looking embarassed
b) wearing the costume in what looks like several inches of snow (if you skip tot he end)

Extra points to the video for including Beetle and Booster, and, I assume, Black Canary.

I hadn't thought much about it before, but the recent Power Girl run in JSA: Classified pitches Kara as a good character to be spun off into her own movie or TV series. Well, maybe not the story, but the attitude is right. She's very girl-friendly as the "I'm really, really good at being a super-hero, but in everything else I do, I am a complete wreck." And boys would lihke her because she wears tights and she's bullet proof.


Anyhoo, hurray for Power Girl for getting a fan movie made, even if the creators needed to spend more time in post production.

Godspeed, Dana.

Dana Reeve, wife of actor and activist Christopher Reeve, has died of lung cancer.

Read more here.

Race From the Oscars

You can read my amazingly insightful commentary on the Oscars here.

Birthday Madness

Here's a link to Steanso's blog. See KareBear and The Admiral in action as my mother gets hosed, arms herself with a sword and dons a large hat.

Go now.

Weekending, March 5th.

This weekend marked my mother's big birthday. Jamie and I did not attend as my folks and Jamie's folks will be here next week. I hope her birthday was a good one.

Friday night we headed out to Mesa, just north of Chandler to see a band at a coffee house. Asleep in the Sea rocked most of the coffee house. But, because this is PHX, the show was cut short. Cheba Hut, a local stoner-themed sandwich shop chain was next door. Apparently the rocking and rolling was disturbing the patrons of the coffee shop, so there were exasperated sandwich shop and coffee shop employees causing a fuss during the brief set. And I thought the whole thing about being a stoner was that you were supposed to be mellow... You stoners sit on a throne of lies.

For whatever reason I was wearing my Superman shirt at the show, and was approached by a very, very drunk gentleman who explained that he was a wizard, mumbled something about his wife, daughter and the Mormon Church, something about "the seventeenth is big (bleep) day", then did some tai-chi. I suddenly remembered why I used to like going out.

A short while later, a middle-aged lady and her teen-aged son came by and the nice lady engaged me in a conversation about Superman comic books. Apparently she's been collecting since the early 60's and has vast runs of several series. I was quite jealous.

Still, once the band was done they turned on ugly overhead lights which is sort of the universal sign in a nightspot for "get out". It was only 9:10ish. On a Friday night. At a coffeeshop.

For those of you who like to tell The League that he needs to find the good out here in the desert, please understand that there is a pattern we've picked up here. Fun cannot last past the hour of 9:00pm.

So we ended up at The Village Inn near our house, a place I only like to go to when I'm feeling sort of Marge, and I had a bowl of soup and tried hard not to think too much about the alt-rock guys running the coffee shop being pissy about rocking too loud and too late into the night.

The freezer in our old fridge gave up the ghost some time ago. This week it started to smell badly. So badly, in fact, that the smell went out into the fridge as well, contaminating food that was not vaccuum-sealed. So we went and got the new fridge. Peabo, my friend, I never made it to Home Depot. Sears was running the same deal as Home Depot and Jamie had identified the fridge of her dreams.

Ice maker with ice holder in the door (more freezer space). Crushed ice or cubed. Pur water filtration system for both water and ice. Clear plastic shelving. Moveable shelves... Yes, it was a middle-class consumer's dream.

The guys showed up literally five minutes before the end of their 10:30 to 12:30 window. They took out the old fridge (leaving the filter in our front yard, I might add), brought in the new fridge which was not the correct fridge, removed the wrong fridge, wheeled in the new fridge, connectyed it and then broke the water main into our house, elaving us without water. Pretty cool. So we called Sun Devil Plumbers and Carl not only fixed the problem, but put a new valve on our main that had a swing arm valve rather than a stem. Hurray!

I did not tip the delivery guys who ended up setting me back more than $100. They did tell me "that's a million to one, that happening." Well, lucky me. I should have played the Lotto this week.

I also watched "Smokey and the Bandit" this weekend. I hadn't seen it since I was very little. Almost all of Jackie Gleason's lines were overdubbed, so I don't know if he was cursing or making racial epithets or what. I am not clear as to what the point of the movie was, but it's a flashback to a part of American culture that seems to have fallen by the wayside. At least it doesn't exist in any tangible form in AZ.

Tonight are the Academy Awards. Jamie will watch. I will be organizing comics. The League cares not for fancy dresses. He also saw only a smattering of the nominated movies and thinks it's silly to give awards to movies and actors. At least we think it's silly when movies like Gosford Park which were not very interesting, or original and were made-up as the movie went along win for "Best Screenplay".

But, we know you people love the Awards shows, so go to town on your Oscars. We do not hold it against you.

From the upcoming series 52

Greetings, Loyal Leaguers.

I haven't been posting much as there's not been much on my plate I felt was worthy of discussion. Not that complete boredom has been a deterrent in the past, but I just haven't had the energy. Plus, I've been watching gobs of porn.

Little joke there, Judy.

The Mellies results are coming in. I don't know if it's the group of Leaguers sending in answers this year or what, but the responses are a pretty colorful bag. I'm expecting the results to be content fodder for about a week, which is great, because lately, Leaguers, I've got nothing.

I think I've now got 7 responses, including two from people with whome I do not believe I've ever had any previous correspondence. It's that sort of effort, Tamara and Natalie, that makes it all worthwhile. I'm trying to get Steanso to revise his responses as he sent in only one word answers. Dedman will surely make something of that. One word responses are not really in the spirit of the whole thing. We need your comments and criticisms up here in black and blue, and we want a little explanation.

That said, other Loyal Leaguers (such as my wife) have as of yet to respond. Nathan has been curiously silent. Where are these Leaguers? Where is Shoemaker? Where is Harms?

Oh, and a special note for Jim D., RHPT has sent in his responses. And he managed to do it without writing a novel (ahem).

KareBear's big birthday is just around the corner, so I'm also losing precious blogging time working on a much requested gift. The League has been asked to create some work of art for KareBear. Well, The League was getting close to completion on Tuesday night when we totally screwed up what we were doing, and now we're trying to figure out if we should start over or try to salvage the piece by turning it into something different. Only time will tell.

Our refrigerator's ice machine died this fall, and being poor, we could not afford to fix it, nor could we get a new fridge. Now the ice machine is giving off a foul odor that is omnipresent in the freezer as well as in the fridge. The smell is in the food. It's in the g-d food. Now I gotta go get a new damn fridge. And refrigerators aren't cheap, Leaguers. Not with an ice machine and water filter. Well, I am fairly certain the fridge left by the previous occupants of this house is VERY cheap, but I am going to be looking for a more robust design and a 3 year warranty on anything I buy.

The best part is, now I get to go to Sears and have somebody spend like an hour telling me about the benefits of a wide variety of refrigerators. This is a topic I have never once before pondered. It's a brave new world for The League.

Oh, and I've asked Jamie for a word to update you regarding her pneumonia. She says "Hack-cack". Nice.

I don't have any idea if she's feeling better or not. "I never really felt sick. I just kind of felt fevery," she says, reading over my shoulder. "It's great having everything I say documented," she adds.

Now she is curiously silent... "How to get your wife to shut up. Oh GOD! STOP!" She insists with just a hint of Erica Foster in her voice.

Again... the horrible silence.

She pats me on the head like I'm Mel. It is nice. Until she points out a type-o which I fix. There is much sighing and rolling of eyes. Now a rapid departure and an addendum. "How to get your wife to leave..."

She is eating ice. And now she's gone.

I think that's all for today, Leaguers.

Keep it real.

Arrested Development to Showtime?

It's a rumor! And that's good enough for The League. Read here.

The irony of this, of course, is that we just got rid of like 15 movie channels. Just when you think you're out...

Mr. F!

Hey, ya'll.

Okay, so... today sucked. Jamie woke up around 3:45 AM and noticed, "Hey, I can't breathe." So we went to the ER and got her fixed up. Turns out she has a touch of the pneumonia. Fortunately, around our house, a touch of pneumonia is nothing to get all that wigged about. Now how does one get pneumonia in PHX? I have no idea, but if someone could do it, it's my wife.

Anyway, she's doing better. A little rest, a couple of pills, and we're right as rain. No need to move the house to the lee side of the stone or anything.

Anyhow, I am pretty tired, so I'll abbreviate tonight's post by celebrating the Suns' victory over the Houston Rockets, and this with both Amare and Kurt Thomas out. And, uhmmm... what else.

Man, I'm pretty tired. Ya'll are on your own.

Olympic Closing Ceremonies

I'm in a little late. Bear with me. Roar.

YMCA by a clown orchestra? My God. The horror. The horror. Are those aviators dancing to YMCA? Does the homoerotic spirit of the song translate well into Italian? Why do I always end up dancing to that song at weddings? Oh, yes... booze.

Now there's some fascist raising a Greek flag. I had a Gyro and Greek Salad for lunch on Friday. Delicious.

Is that Gypsy Kings? More people should dress as a cone. That looks sharp. The athletes look tired and unenthused entering the stadium. Bolare? Wow, the orchestra looks like they're on crank. Joey Cheek! That guy's a piece of work. Pressuring everyone else into giving away their hard earned Olympic money. Oh, he's going Ivy League? Well, of course he's giving away his money, he's probably fabulously wealthy. I've always suspected you had to be rich to, you know, train for speed skating-

Whoa. A new "Posedion Adventure"? Starring Josh Lucas? I want to be a movie executive. Didn't any of these people see "Swimming with Sharks?"

Jamie's doing laundry. I should help. Nah.

I am not going to miss the ten Olympic themed commercials they keep showing over and over and over. Life takes not watching Visa commercials until your eyes bleed.

Oh, here come the athletes. This is going to take a while. I'll be back.

Wait, no... they're wearing clown noses. I'm not really clear what the deal is here. That's a lot of Canadians. "That'll be a mosh pit!" Yeah, cause I think Avril "Punk Rock" Lavigne is performing. People are going to want to do the pogo and whatnot. So punk rock.

Again, what's up with the white-clad aviators?

This is really boring, and the music sounds like the stuff they play at La Madeline. I haven't been to La Madeline in, like, forever. Is it a sandwich shop? A coffee house? Is it overpriced? Only the guy in the funny hat knows for sure.

You may not know this, but The League's family hails from Finland. At least half of the family. The Admiral's family is much more typical American Mutt. But KareBear is a child of Finnish immigrants. 1) I always think it would be funny if they had my Mom standing at the end of the race under the banner that says "finish", 2) Everyone from Finland looks like my mom and/ or the people from her hometown, which is like 70% Finnish.

I need a 5 blade razor. For those "tricky" places.

I don't care what you say, those US uniforms look like the piped winter jackets KareBear used to outfit us with from K-Mart when The League and Steanso were just wee little bloggers.

Hey, Shani! Going to train in Vancouver. I guess that's good. Emily Hughes. She acquitted herself beautifully. There's that Japanese dame who... wait, now I have to watch this again? I've had this song in my head since the opening ceremonies. I guess it's from Carmen. The League is no Opera buff. It confuses me, and often features angry clowns. She can really pop around on the ice, can't she? Zip zip zip. Well, she's happy. I've already seen this. "Cool Beauty"? I had a nickname for like five minutes in 8th grade. They called me "Mueller" after George Mueller, the goofy center of the UT basketball team. Could have been worse.

Deal or No Deal? No Deal, thanks. I'll take my handbag and go.

Jamie hates the ads where people drive across a tumultuous CG landscape, serenely secure in their luxury SUV. I hate them, too, but I don't bring it up all that often. Blam, there's a skyscraper blasting out of the lush countryside. Blam, there's a freeway. And there's some lady in the passenger seat looking like maybe she has to go potty but she dare not ask her husband to pull over lest she upset his dispassioante SUV driving.

Doo doo doo dooot... This is really dull. Sorry. You guys seemed to like my "real time blogging" during the opening ceremonies, so I felt obliged to do it again.

There's Ohno. Oh no. He's still cheesey. I don't care what medals he won. He's Johnny from Karate Kid. He'd so sweep the leg. Does he have an ugly cleft chin? Why the nasty looking facial stripe? Does it look good? oh, no.

I like that S. Korean guy. He's okay. I watched this already. And I know Ohno won. They just told us that. Can't say I'm a fan of these flashbacks. Now they're trying to interview a sleep deprived Ohno. He seems fairly sober. Nobody wants to interview Bode.

Okay, gang, I'm out. This is boring.

Oh, Dad, they're going to fuel cars with corn. Sorry about your whole industry. I remember Ari Fleischer telling folks looking into alternative energy back in 2000 to please stick it in their ear. I guess that was a long time ago now.

We can't forget about Shaun White because you will show us. I like that there's now something in the Olympics you can get points for called a "fakey". That's almost as awesome as "salchow!" I have to say this, I think the Flying Tomato is annoying. But I find most 13-20 year olds annoying. I think it comes from knowing what a moron I was. Am. But, yeah, he's like my Gen Y nightmare.

Ah, Sasha Cohen. She looks like a hummel figurine. Wow. She has nothing to say. Now they're dwelling on her errors. See, Leaguers, this is why I don't even try. You're like the third best athlete in your sport, and all they can do is dwell on that one second of slip-up... I need to be involved with things where they're not going to dwell on what you did wrong. Wait, if that's true, I need a new job.

Be a part of "Walk the Line"? That seems like an odd way to sell a movie about a guy's spiralling drug abuse. "Naked Lunch"! Be a part of it! "Trainspotting"! Be a Part of it! I want to work in advertising. Apparently you can be a complete moron.

That is a tiny car.

Jamie is screaming at Lucy.

More of those damned clowns. God, how I hate clowns. Goddammit, it's more of this Cirque crap. Felliniesque? See, this is why I avoid European film. I remember when Wesley Snipes did this floating bit in "DROP ZONE". My Dad used to take me to all the Wesley Snipes movies. We LOVED Wesley Snipes. Not a lot of room for error in floating over a giant, whirling fan, I'd think.

These commentators suck. Who IS this? Enough with the Wesley Snipes guys. It's just not that great, and this post-Enya music is dippy. I miss the tree men. I also think that this would be more impressive if these guys had lit their heads on fire, a la the opening ceremonies.

Getting boring. Wait, he might leave the stadium. That can't be safe. Dammit, no injuries. I haven't watched Tron in, like, forever. And I have it on DVD. That clown car is on fire. Why? There's so much about European culture I guess I should know, but I simply... wait, those dudes have flaming pin wheel backpacks. Jamie has declared she wants one.

Now this boring dude who looks like someone who The Admiral would work with. Oh, sweet. That dude is so going to jail. I mean the guy who just rushed the stage. Note the Golden Palace.com shirt. I guess that's good advertising of some sort.

Lucy is in trouble for trying to eat Jeff, she's sitting down next to me.

Wait, this Olympic guy has been "seduced" by fairplay and the Olympic spirit? That's a little weird. I don't think that translated correctly. Why are they fighting doping? Can you imagien how @#$%ing crazy sports would be if we had all these roid freaks skiing around? I'd buy that for a dollar.

The Olympics head for Canada, eh? The mayor of Vancouver. A quadraplegic! Wow. Our mayor just has bad hair. Not the same story of personal triumph. Holy crap. Mounties. I love Mounties. O, Canada! That opera guy looks liek someone you'd see at the Sizzler. I need to learn to take Canadians seriously. One day it's going to get my ass kicked.

Transfer of the flag. This is less formal than I'd envisioned it. Volare? I'm speechless.

This Candadian mayor guy is a ruler. He has my vote.

All right! Vancouver's presentation! What will they bring? Native Americans. Man, I got those in my office. And, now... a snowmobile with an acrobatic snow skiier. Oh, man. Yahoo Serious. This is starting to suck. Badly. Wait, that was cool. "This remind sme of Ice Age" says Jamie. Not cool. Wait... Whales? Now I'm scared. Is this a tribute to the agricultural products of Vancouver?

There's a uniform suckiness to all of these things, isn't there?

If this is Vancouver, Vancouver is dumb. A fish. Great. Oh, it's Avril Lavigne. And she's blonde. Wow, she's really evolved from a one-hit wonder into a bland, forgettable artist. I'm sure she's still HUGE in Canada. Are there more Cirque clowns running around? Oh, for the love of Mike.

A tribute to something... a flag is being lowered. Well, so far, no Bryan Adams. We're doing well. Those are nice hats.

Man, who spent all the time coming up with all this ceremony? I mean, this is a lot of work.

Oh, good, singing kids. And an accordian. Just what the doctor ordered to break up the mood. There goes the flag. Bye, flag. Ah, they turned off the rings. My Mom must love all those dopey kids in their angel outfits. Stuff like that makes her giddy. That and Neil Diamond. She LOVES Neil Diamond. Oh, and an angelic aviator. I am definitely missing something.

I've never seen "The Apprentice". I don't like self-serving over-achievers, and I don't like to see people making asses of themselves on TV.

They're really pimping our local weather man. Keep in mind, it hasn't rained in PHX in 140 days. Why I would care about the weatherman is beyond me.

Now we get Andrea Bocelli. He looks sort of familiar. I think he's been on PBS. I think they brought in the virgins. What the hell is going on here? Bocelli looks sleepy. He's wearing jeans. Pretty freaking casual when Pavarotti wore a cape and all when he opened the games.

Seriosuly, what the hell is up with all the brides or whatever? Are these the available women of Torino? Hey, big American athlete, you want to marry local girl? We give you one for cheap. You go find one you like.

They represent hope and rays of hope. Okay. Well, you know, I remember getting married, but I don't remember "Hope" being how I felt when I got married. Trapped, maybe. Just kidding, sweetie. That's a joke.

The virgins have formed a big dove. Don't let Cheney get near them.

Oh, they made themselves into the Torino logo. Here comes some lady trudging up to the stage in a really big wedding dress. I dunno. This makes no sense. There goes the eye of Sauron.

Fireworks! zap zap zap

It just doesn't seem right without yet another rendition of Carmen playing.

Oh, great, here comes Ricky Martin. I wasn't aware he was still relevant. Oh, look, S&M outfits, As Jamie points out, that's quite the contrast they got goin' on. This is the sexiest Olympics closing ceremony ever. Much more so than that summer when they accidentally left Stevie Wonder out in the middle of a field in a giant, floating piano. Ricky Martin must have a very interesting view of the world. I guess I'm a little jealous.

The Dan Jansen DHL commercial? See, when he fell that time right after his sister died, my mom totally freaked out. Like, seriously, I needed therapy. She was crying and crying for Dan Jansen. I still have a twitch in my eye from when that happened.

Oh, right on. NBC and Sunday Night football looks rad. I actually like Costas, and I think I'm on the record about Al Michaels being one of my favorite sports commentators.

I wonder if Shaun White is glad he came back now. I have a Ricky Martin tolerance level of like .04. This is already way past that limit. Just remember Event Organizers, when you pick an artist because you think everybody likes them, that usually means nobody is really all that much into them. Unless you can somehow bring George and John back from the great beyond, there are very few groups we'd all be very curious to hear.

Ah, Joey Cheek. He seems too decent. Nobody is that decent. Nobody. Well, maybe Joey Cheek.

And this "Do the Hustle" ice skating commercial for car insurance... it needs to end.

I watched "Law & Order SVU" once (dunh dunh). I have no recollection of the show at all. (dunh dunh)

More dancing aviators. Oh no. It's Ohno. He loves the camera, does he not? There's Abba in the background. Wait, nevermind, it's that dumb Madonna song. Toby Dawson. He seems amazed enough that he's there, so I can't imagine what it's like for him to have won.

These packages where they show you stuff you already saw? It needs to end. Cindy Klassen. Canadian. Swearing she'll be there for 2010. Huh.

Well, that's it. I'm done.

Hope you guys enjoyed. This was a pain and I plan never to do it again.

Oh, hey... Jamie was reading my post and she tells me "Bocelli wasn't sleepy. He's blind." There's been some hemming and hawing here over how I should address this oversight. Wait, that's not what I meant... oh... God. I am going to Hell. Jamie has just wrapped it up with "Ryan Steans, 'Sensitivity' is thy middle name."

Venom is coming.

Godspeed, Mr. Knotts. You will be missed.

Don Knotts has merged with the infinite at the age of 81.

The 2006 Mellies: Rules and Guidelines

All right, Leaguers. Thanks to overwhelming support in favor of another round of official League of Melbotis Awards (aka: The Mellies), we're going to give this a shot.

What the hell is a Mellie?

The Mellies are a celebration of the readership of The League of Melbotis. We ask you, the Leaguer, to give us some feedback not just on the super awesome content you can find here regularly at The League of Melbotis, but also we have some questions for you about this amazing world around us.

Here are some questions from a previous go-round.

Here are responses from day one, and day two and day three.

Now, some guidelines.

1) Try to answer all of the questions. The more answers we have, the more fun this will be.
2) All answers will be reprinted.
3) Thus, try to keep your responses down to a sentence or two. I don't want this turning into War and Peace. That said, a "why" is usually going to be key to your response.
4) I will also, of course, list all answers, and then make a special note of the answer that wins the 2006 Mellie. This may or may not be preceeded by a comment from The League as to why the comment took the coveted award. The League will probably also chime in with his own answer.
5) All entrants should submit answers to: melbotis_steans at yahoo dot com
6) I'm considering sending a special "thank you" to all entrants who also include their street address. So, you know, include your street address.
7) Keep it clean unless really, really funny
8) Entries will be accepted for the next month


And now, your nominating categories for the 2006 Mellies!

League of Melbotis categories

a) Why does the League obsess about _____?
b) The League needs to cover _______
c) In the future, The League should not ________
d) You should really add this blog to your blogroll


And now, on to the rest...

1) The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane
2) Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)
3) Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song
4) You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)
5) It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away
6) You know what was the most amazing day this year?
7) You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)
8) God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful
9) I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?
10) If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level
11) Best item at Burger King
12) If I could force you to read but one book, it would be
13) I'm no astrologist, but I love the planets. If I could dedicate myself to studying but one planet, it would be
14) I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character


That's it! Send in your submissions, and we'll be getting back to you guys on this late in March.

beep***beep***beep***beep***beep

SPECIAL MID-DAY GORILLA RELATED BULLETIN!

The History Channel will be broadcasting a show tonight about a gigantic gorilla which lived millions of years ago in Asia somewhere. The gorilla is commonly known as Giganto. Which is awesome.

Set your DVR's, Leaguers.

Go here for more.

we now return you to your usual, non-gorilla related day.

Huh

Who is Nancy Grace, why is she crazy and why is she allowed to go on Headline News and rant like a pedantic maniac every night for an hour?

And did I just dream it yesterday, or was CNN.com running a story on some pastor in the SouthEast who was going to military funerals and protesting them? I swear I read a very complicated story on CNN.com about bikers going to military funerals to shield the families from these folks. The craziest part of the whole thing was that this minister believed that the reason the US was embroiled in the current conflict in Iraq (and possibly Afghanistan) was because the US "harbors" homosexuals, and God was punishing the U.S.

Today I couldn't find a trace of the story, which literally is making me wonder whether I dreamed the story last night. Am I nuts? Wasn't it there? There are items about Lindsay Lohan and shit in the headlines on CNN.com and I can't find THIS story? I distinctly remember making a note in my head that I wanted to blog on the topic, specifically that this pastor had not just made the statements, but somehow found a very active flock... and today... Wha-?

I swear I must have just made the whole story up in my crazy head.

Oh, wait, no, here it is...

God Bless America

the 2006 Mellies

God knows why, but for some reason this week RHPT and Jim D started asking me this week "Whatever happened to the Mellies?"

For those of you coming in late to the game, The League used to have lots of contests and stuff. I'd pose a question or group of questions, usually with a set of rules, and then I invited Loyal Leaguers to send in responses. We've had two or three Halloween contests, Holiday contests, one or two goes at The Mellies (a sort of all around awards) and a few other things.

I dunno. I guess at some point people quit sending in responses, so I sort of lost interest. In fact, ironically, I recall Randy pitching a fit when I asked why he hadn't participated in one of my last contests. And then my Halloween contest this year received exactly zero responses. So, anyway, that's that.

I do get comments, so I guess that's sort of made me feel that The League is plenty interactive. But even that's been a bit of a wild ride. Once you add a comments section to your blog, you really change the dynamic of the whole enterprise. There's a lot more give and take. Instant feedback lets you know what people are interested in (in my case, for some reason, everyone's always interested in my days as a high-school loser and my lack of success in various minimum wage jobs. Nobody cares about comics, that's why you don't see anymore about that here, despite the original intention of this site to be comics and pop-culture stuff).

Bottom line: Feedback makes you want to blog. When you get no comments for a while, you REALLY start to lose interest.

The biggest downside is having to police the comments section when people are feeling cranky or decide to pick a fight. I've lost some good Loyal Leaguers after tiffs in the comments section. Now, I can't say that the odd comment is what has driven their departure for sure, but, yes, a few people disappeared forever and ever once myself or someone else has disagreed with them in the the ol' comments. And that's sad, because The League is really intended to be a happy place.

I have also had the unpleasant task of occasionally removing a comment I felt was inappropriate, which I REALLY didn't want to ever have to do. I know it makes me a Nazi, but I also sometimes just don't want to deal with the headaches that I can guess are going to spiral out of the comment, not to mention private e-mails, blah blah blah. I'm always going to leave up political opinions, and I even left up one comment which gave away the ending of a movie four days into that movie's release. But if you're going to time something badly which may be hurtful to someone else, or that you've just gone a little bluer than I would normally do in front of, say, my mom, you might see the comment evaporate.

In general, I will alert the party whose comment has been taken down and then e-mail them privately as to why I took the comment down. It sucks, Leaguers. I'd love to let you all dig your own graves here, but I gotta maintain some stability.

Just FYI: There's also some folks who lurk around the League whom many of the more vocal Loyal Leaguers forget are there. My parents, my in-laws, my uncle, Jim D's mother... Lots of folks who may or may not want to hear some of the more choice stuff that might pop up on this blog if none of these people ever became aware of this site. But there it is, so we're on good behavior here.

So do I want to run the 2006 Mellies? Sure. Will I?

Well, you know Leaguers, there's a bit of work involved in all this. If I were going to do this, I'd like to know if anyone but RHPT and Jim D. were going to pop up with their responses.

So, that's your cue, team...

Bananaphone

Dictionary definition

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Lyrics to Bananaphone

About Bananaphone

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Note that the bedding is only available for single beds. How sad.

Greetings from Oval LeagueMelbotiso

Another fine weekend, Leaguers. Not much to report.

We went to La Stalla here in Historic Downtown Chandler. I always like La Stalla. As much as I'm a fan of Primo's swingin' strip mall/ senior citizen hang-out atmosphere, La Stalla has a nice interior and the food is a little bit more, shall we say, upscale. That, and Evan the waiter (who we've now had twice) is one of those waiters who seems REALLY into his job. Like, when you say, "Maybe I'll have a glass of wine..." and Evan knows what you should have and will hear no argument. Sometimes I need that in order to quit guessing.

Here's a tip from the couple who is now doing their 10th Valentine's Day together: There's Valentine's Day, and then there's Valentine's Day Observed. Going out on actual Valentine's Day is for suckers who like to stand around for lengthy periods waiting for a table, and then get rushed through the meal so the next couple can sit down. Bleah.

We try to go before or after Valentine's Day, and just do the candy and whatnot on Real Valentine's Day.

Uh, what else... we've been trying to entertain Lucy and Melbotis a lot this weekend. And we bought a magazine called "Training your Labrador Retriever", which, if anyone has visited recently, will agree was a necessary purchase.

I'm still watching some Olympics. I like this Ice Dancing business. The women are much better looking than in normal couples' skate. Also, they're showing some speed skating which I'm enjoying with these shorter races. The speed skaters have the coolest looking legs, like they could kick over a Kia, if need be.

I like this dude who won the races last night, Shani Davis. He gave Melissa Stark the best interview, ever. "Shani, you're a black man who just won a medal. How does it feel to be a black man?" "Stick it in your ear, Melissa." Also, is it just me, or does the Chad Hedrick/ Shani Davis dispute seem completely blown out of proportion and/ or fabricated?

Hey, this Russian dame has on the best outfit ever. Well, huh... She's pretty good looking, anyway. He looks like a villain.

I have been summoned by the wife. Ya'll are on your own.

Cowgirl Funk is having the best week ever.


So longtime Loyal Leaguer Maxwell of Cowgirl Funk has had herself an interesting week. Go check out her blog to see her visit to the White House with the mighty UT Longhorns and Dubya himself.

Read here.

And to learn how this came to be, and to see Maxwell getting personal with the Presidential pets, read her hubby's blog here.

The League identifies a non-dumb Winter Olympic/ X-TREME sport

You know what's really dull after two contestants have gone through? The snowboarding half-pipe. You know what's even more dull? Skiing. Anything but that tricky obstacle course skiing is as much fun as regression analysis.

Tonight, between figure skaters, NBC featured a sport I'd never even heard of before: Snowboard Cross.

It's like a BMX race on the snow using snowboards. No endless critique of technique, no silly outfits, just four dudes at a time hurtling down a carved out path in a mountain trying to beat each other to the end of the track. Yeah, there's strategy and skill, but there are also a lot of wipe-outs and knuckle-biting moments.

Of course, since we made up this sport in the US (like all X-Treme sports), we won the Gold, but BARELY, Leaguers. And it was fun to watch.

read more here

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

So you're probably wondering what The League thinks about two of the big stories of the day. What? No?

No, I'm not touching the further adventures of the Abu Ghraib scandal with a ten foot pole. That's prime Steanso territory, and I'd hate to steal his thunder.


Cartoon Riot

Harms has the best posts on this I've read so far here

The League didn't say much early on because The League was not really wanting to get into a flame war with some angry person he does not know from a far off land. Like Beaumont.

Honestly, the cartoonists probably made a miscalculation when they forgot that depictions of the prophet Mohammed are forbidden in Islam. Or maybe they did know and they felt like poking the tiger with a stick probably figuring nobody pays any attention to Denmark, anyway (it's always the quiet ones). Who knows? But that's about as far as I'll go in defending what's now, what?, two weeks' worth of damage to life, limb and property across the whole of the Middle East.

Whenever I get blue about something that may happen in the U.S. of A., all it takes is a few seconds of international TV to remind me that we've got it pretty good with our whole semi-protected freedom of press dealy-o.

Freedom of press and speech doesn't mean (as Jim D. once wisely pointed out to me) that you are free from repercussions for saying what you like or printing anything which comes to mind. Part of this freedom of the press bit that is interesting is that we often ALSO have people calling for heads in our country. But I like to think the cumulative effect in Western Culture is that we acknowledge that people can say and print what they like, and we hope that things sort of even out with printed and spoken counter-points. IE: We don't feel the need to arm grannies with AK-47's and parade through the streets whenever someone prints something we don't like (I always love grannies with machine guns).

I assume it's not the cartoons themselves which are sparking the rioting. I assume this is really about the frustration with the West that has been building since World War II. And while I may not agree with US policy at every turn in regards to the Middle East, this is one place where the West, in general, should stand firm. As upset as the rioters may feel towards the strips, if we hold freedom of the expression as sacred as we claim we do, I'd like to see someone, somewhere explain in print why the West tends to shrug these things off.

The quandry for Western editors is clearly whether or not they should paint a big, red target on their employees by reprinting the cartoons. One of the great ironies of the story is that in two weeks, I still haven't seen the strips, and I'm a fairly avid consumer of news. This lack of action leads me to believe that editors are being extremely careful, perhaps overcautious, in their decision making.

All of this, of course, should be a cautionary tale to Westerners who take their freedoms for granted and who passively poo-poo censorship but feel the fight is already won. Obviously American media feels the need to censor the images, or we would have all been overwhelmed with Danish cartoons.

Is it waving the strips in the face of the Muslim world to rebroadcast, reprint or redistribute strips which are 6 months old? That seems to be a key complaint of the rioters. But is the rest of the world beholden to their belief anymore than I should be hemmed in by a Catholic's decison not to eat meat on Friday, Jamie's devotion to the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Steanso's belief in the divination of the Doug Henning?

I'm fascinated by, and I'm sure Scott McCloud would have a book's worth to say on the topic of, the power of the iconography here. It's worth considering how words and pictures have melded to have meaning beyond simple ink lines. Clearly there's a hell of a lot more going on here externally, but it would be an interesting case studyto see the cartoons themselves to understand the power of an icon which is, by law, not supposed to be portrayed in any way.

For more on these sorts of ideas, I recommend McCloud's "Understanding Comics".

Heidi has identified some interesting fallout. Apparently, in the face of the state-sponsored Iranian "Holocaust Funnies" contest, an Israeli comix company has decided to pitch their own Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoon Contest.

Leaguers, you can't make this stuff up.



With Friends Like Cheney

Nor can you make THIS stuff up.

I've never been shot in the face with birdshot, but I reckon it hurts like a bastard. While I may see Dick Cheney as a chairless Old Man Potter, you gotta feel a little bad for both parties when someone unintentionally shoots their pal.

As an avid eater of meat, I'm not against hunting because I think it's a wretched pursuit. The League is against hunting because it's boring.

The League values it's time and considers sitting in a box in the freezing cold at 5:00 am in December to be sort of stupid. Especially since the only way you can guarantee a deer is to bait the deer all season long and then shoot it on the one day you get your fat ass out of bed and remember to load your gun with the telescopic scope. To us, this is the equivalent of showing up at Fatburger one day and the clerk shooting a hole in your neck. I don't think I consider that a "sport". (Don't worry, I don't think lots of things are sports).

Quail hunting seems to consist of scaring birds into flight and then blasting a wide enough patch of sky that you manage to actually hit something. I assume you use this method because you're too lousy to do it with a .22 or something that requires skill. Honestly, to me, I fail to see the difference between using a shotgun or tossing a net over the birds and then hitting them with a shovel.

I was sick with the flu when the story broke about the Veep's mishap, and thus I more or less slept through the first 24 hour news cycle. The press seems to feel there's some hint of a cover-up going on, but it seems more like a mish-mash of bad information from a press corp that can't get a story straight unless they're working in 5 second sound bites.

Cheney took it on the chin and took full responsibility for what happened. Sort of. He also received a $7 citation, which seems like not much punishment.

I'm guessing no charges will be pressed, and I don't pretend to understand the law enough to know what the usual route for this sort of accident would be. I know that: had the guy died, they have a term called "manslaughter" that has some harsh consequences in Tejas. Again, honestly, I don't know the law, and I'm not looking to see the Veep go up the river on this one.

And, of course, things are always less funny when you shoot someone in the head and chest.

A few quick items:

1) For some odd reason, Jim D. wants to start a book club. For some entirely odder reason, he wants me to lead said club. I just need to ask: how many of the rest of you poor souls have me confused with an avid reader?

2) I am feeling better. I've been at work the past two days.

3) Things went south with that thing I was hoping for. C'est la vie.

4) Valentine's Day was okay. I worked late.

5) I've been thanklessly pitching DC Comics to the world at large over at Nanostalgia.com. There are also conversations on many other pop-culture related topics ongoing.

6) My favorite cancelled series, Action, is coming to DVD.

7) I am already sick of the Olympics. Tonight I ran Lucy and watched stuff off the DVR instead of watching people fly down a hill. I have no idea what I'm looking at anymore. I can't cheer for a guy named "Joey Cheeks". I'm from Texas. Snow sports make as much sense to me as cricket.

8) Mel is a good boy.

Olympic Review

So here we are in day 18 or something of the Olympics. So far here's what I've learned:

• People like to say "Bode"
• The Chinese can take a hit to the knee and still keep going
• While snowboarding has now been legitimized as a sport, the expert commentators still sound like a bunch of morons
• The Russian figure skater I remember from 2002 must not have made the Olympics in 2006
• Curling is exactly as boring as you would assume it might be
• According to commentator Dick Button, no one is a good enough skater to grace our television screens
• If you can choreograph a 5th grade pageant, you can get a shot at the Olympic opening ceremonies
• People really like to say "The Flying Tomato"
• Male figure skaters should never try to be "tough" in their routines
• There's nothing to make you feel guilty like getting really excited because somebody got knocked out participating in the luge
• Replacing all the players on a hockey team with women somehow still doesn't make me interested in hockey
• Oh, how I hate that Plushenko

Well, that's it for the lessons so far. Lucy is now licking the computer which tells me it's time to knock it off.

This guy in the 007 outfit is awful. I can't believe I know the difference.

Oh, an extra special lesson: Young prosecutors are like sexy, holy angels. This must include Steanso, who is, apparently 4 years older than the avergae prosecutor. Does Steanso lack CONVICTION?

There's a big Comic Convention going on.

Here's a picture from the upcoming relaunch of Justice League America.

From RHPT.com

A very special Star Wars Valentine's Day hyperlink.

Go here.

be forewarned: Some of these are not PG.

SICK!

The League is sick. Woe is me.

Hopefully we'll be back in our usual, chipper form in a day or two.

The Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Why am I watching this? It's 10:30 Mountain Time, I started watching around 6:30, and I have yet to think any of this is a very good idea.

At what point did the Olympic Opening Ceremonies become...

Oh, @#$%. It's Yoko Ono. Seriously. That woman makes me want to turn against peace. In fact, Yoko One makes me want to throw bricks at all shortish widows of former Beatles. She really knows how to milk John's legacy, doesn't she?

Okay, back to my point (I'm ignoring Peter Gabriel and his floating piano stand). When did the Olympic Ceremonies become a jumbo discount Cirque du Soleil? If you went from the bizarro ceremonies at the Olympics, you'd think that all people cared about in the host country was ancient history, ugly clothes and modern dance. Where the @#$% do they find all the acrobats, dippy dancers and silly costumers for these things? I'm sure most of Italy is watching this and is collectively slapping their forehead.

My theory: The wealthy backers of the Olympics bring the Olympics to town for the sole purpose of employing their underachieving children who got a useless degree and are now living in the basement waiting for their "big break".

I guess people pay to see stuff like this all the time. After all, people pay to see Cirque and all that stuff. There's something to watching people dressed in tights zip about that really appeals to upper middle class folks in search of culture.

Oh, here comes the torch. Flame on!

Passing thought: Why do the Americans use a Canadian company to make their winter gear for the ceremonies? Those outfits are dumb.

This torch thing is taking a while. Did you see Sophia Loren? She looks like she's slowly turning into gold. Why was Susan Sarandon there? I like Susan Sarandon, but, what was that..?

Whoa. the Olympic Flame looks like it should have Sauron's eye looking out of it. It's creepy.

Ah, well. No Katie Couric to ruin it all for me like she did the Summer Olympics. And every other thing she's ever managed to worm her way into. Just Costas and Brian Williams giving us the play-by-play of which country hates which other country as they entered the arena. Never thought you'd those Danish athletes looking over their shoulder, did you?

Well, now I have to sit through a lot of figure skating. The hardest part about that is not making comments upon what a fine figure some of the lady skaters make.

Oh, f'ing sweet. It's f'ing Pavarotti. Whoa. Dude, I can tell you're using "Just for Men". Wow, he's good. This is the first thing that's impressed me yet.

I guess I'll watch the luge. I like anything involving hurtling down a hill at very dangerous speeds with a high chance of a bone shattering wipe-out.

Pavarotti is wearing an f'ing cape. He's a total ruler. Man, that guy rocks the house.

That torch is totally freaking me out. Who was that? She was cute. I'm going to find out she's 15 and get in trouble.

Fireworks! SHAZAM!

Wow, that's way better than the fireworks in Chandler.

Young prosecutors, real consequences, only one thing counts... CONVICTION.

You know, when Steanso was a young defense attorney, I seem to recall him saying that was exactly the problem. Oh, well. He totally sold out and works for the system now. Way to become a tool of The Man.

Who the hell is Mary Carillo? She has a nice, tenor voice.

Anyway, I don't use the word "fruity" lightly, because I usually don't like the connotation. But, Leaguers, these Olympic openings seem to get fruitier and fruitier. Just watching the montage here at the end is making me realize that I will never get back the last four hours of my life. I am hard pressed to believe that if the show that I just watched wasn't tied to the Olympics that a single person would have watched it from beginning to end.

I also am totally baffled by the Bode Miller deal. He just doesn't interview well. What's the story here? He's a 20-something that drinks on the weekend? Stop the @#$%ing presses! Why are people turning on this guy? He's the first person I've liked in the olympics who wasn't a Russian female figure skater. He also keeps telling the press he doesn't care for them. Well, they LOVE that, Bode. Ah, well. I still have no idea what his sport is.

Ah, well. I just want to give a final salute to the guys who intentionally set their heads on fire and skated around the arena. That's dedication, Leaguers.

And an extra shout out to the poor balding bastard who got thrown off the Skeleton Crew for using Propecia. That poor guy just wanted to reduce the shine for a while longer... The anti-doping agency is dumb.

Oh my GOD, my local network sent their dumbest Scottsdale bimbo to the Olympics for local coverage. Ughhh... I can take no more.

Seacrest out.

I can only point you to this story from The Beat.

Apparently Disney and NBC/ Universal have come to some sort of odd swap that trades my favorite fixture of Football Sportscasting for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.

Yes, it seems Al Michaels is being swapped for Walt Disney's beta-version of Mickey Mouse, which was owned by Universal.

With this item and the story on NPR today about the potential for the IRS to begin taxing awards won in games like World of Warcraft that now appear to have real financial value, I can only feel like the boundaries between the real and the imaginary are at last collapsing in a way which will really suit my lifestyle.

Man, I would give my left arm to be swapped for QuickDraw McGraw. That would be so @#$%ing cool.

I know what ice cream treat The League will be enjoying this summer. The Superman Homepage has a blurb on an upcoming Superman themed ice cream treat from Nestle's.

Read here.

Worst Idea in the World Files

Wow. I HAVE to assume, despite the reliable news source, that this is a joke.

Randy sends this along.

Jamie is sitting behind me shouting "How?" "Why?"

I can assume that if your career plans involve a well secured brass pole that you might find a use.

Ladies, one day you may be a sweet 'ol granny. Just keep that in mind when you decide it would be awesome to have your boob playing Outkast.

I do wonder: How does one recharge the device? If a little gel causes cancer, what's a leaky battery going to do?

I can't wait to be able to download "Boot Scoot Boogie" to my pace maker and have "Enter Sandman" as part of my "male enhancement" plans.

Real-Life Superheroes File: Mr. Silent

In case you missed it a while back when we discussed Real-Life Superhero Mr. Silent, you might want to check this out.

Anyhoo, go through the comments section. Mr. Silent takes some time out of his busy schedule to drop a "howdy" to The League and explain a bit about himself.

This is THRICE that someone commented upon has popped up to put in their two cents after I made a post. I'm pretty darn excited by this incident as, well, Mr. Silent is a SUPERHERO. As you know, The League supports superheroes, but it's not often we get one chiming in.

So, thanks, Mr. Silent! Keep up the good work. We appreciate all that you do.

Now, let's be careful out there.

Your results:
You are Superman

Superman 80% Robin 57% Green Lantern 55% Supergirl 53% Spider-Man 50% Batman 50% Iron Man 50% Hulk 40% Wonder Woman 38% Catwoman 35% The Flash 30%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Judy and Dick are here, kicking it in-law style. So don't expect much in the way of posts until the visit draws to a conclusion.

And I want to say, I just knew folks were going to jump all over the giant rabbit. I received the pic from a co-worker, and I'm still not sure what the story is.

Chuck Norris Facts

-- Mrs. League.

I just find it interesting that Danish filmmaker Lars Von Trier's new film condemning American culture is quietly opening in the US while the Middle East has gone batshit over a Danish cartoon.

You know, The League took a year of Danish in college. Seriously.

1) I dropped Spanish after the first day as the teacher refused to speak any English. It wasn't my fault my Spanish teacher in high school was, shall we say, laissez faire, and let us play cards during class (but never for money!).

At UT there was some rule that if you had two years of high school Spanish you HAD to take advanced beginning Spanish as we should all have been on the same level.

Oh, mercy. Excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye and get some air.

Viva Klein Oak!

2) I was flunking Italian in my second semester (taken because CB told us the class was "great"). Hey, CB, you ended up dropping... What DID you take? Did you snake your way into Sign Language? I bet you did.. Anyway, we were flunking Italian in our second semester despite daily attendance and always doing our homework. A large part of the problem was that I kept slipping into the Spanish I had taken. And I was very distracted the first semester by a delightful pair of squirrels living in the oak tree outside the window.

3) I was going to take Finnish so I could surprise my grandmother, but that class was full. Terence said "there's lots of girls in Danish", and then I found out that Danish was "accelerated." You only needed two semesters of Danish rather than four of other languages. Of course you also met 6 hours a week for two semesters.

My instructor had a hearing problem, and I suspect he was usually hung over. But he also bought us booze. Good guy.

I only remember a few phrases from the class. I can:

a) order a cup of coffee (Jeg vil gerne hav en kappe kaffee)
b) order you to shove it "up your pipe" (I don't know how this is written, but I think it's: Op jig ruv hol)
c) solicit you for sex (Vil du kneppe med mig?)

Well, really, I think that could get me by in Denmark for about a month.

Overall, I didn't see Denmark as being a hostile place. They're the land of Hans Christian Andersen for God's sake. They all own pugs and think they have tiny trolls living in their teeth.

SuperBowl Weekend

Oh, The League should never be trusted to lay bets. Last night I boldly proclaimed that the Seattle Seahawks would win by less than 7.

The League was so very wrong.

Honestly, I didn't care who won, but I just thought the Seahawks were going to surprise people. Well, yes... they surprised me. Luckily I didn't have any money on it.

Ah, heck. I like Bettis. The Steelers are a fun team. Congrats.

That said, I also watched about 70% of PuppyBowl II (featuring the all-new Kitten Half-Time Show). Well, "watched" is a strong word. It was on while I was in the room. But it's hard to beat three hours of puppies playing. Even when you have your own puppy tearing up what was once a very pretty little backyard.

Anyhoo, congrats to the puppies of Puppy Bowl. Those kids are going places.

Just a quick note about something that happens alot in movies and TV:

Small people with a few quick punches or a fancy kick can't usually actually knock down really big dudes.

Look, The League is a fairly big dude. And every once in a while while watching TV or a movie I'll see a 98 pound girl try a karate kick at some big guy who, of course, is standing completely still. What should be noted is that big guys are used to having to slog themselves around. Their bodies aren't a complete surprise to them. Stuff bumps into us all the time.

This probably isn't what very tiny people want to hear, but if the big person is at all used to fighting, your fancy kick is, at best, going to slow down the Really Big Dude.

Further, just FYI, it is really, really hard in real life to flip a big guy who doesn't want to be flipped. How many of you out there think you can pick up a 250 pound sack of rocks and throw it over your shoulder? Yes, yes... You can use someone's momentum against them. But if that person is any sort of experienced fighter, and unless you're a much, much better fighter, the big guy can probably deduce what you're up to and lean the other way. And even if he does go forward, how likely do you think it is he isn't going to grab you and land on you, Bruce Lee?

Sometimes I really miss my days in TaeKwonDo. But one thing I really don't miss is when I would have to spar people 1/3rd my size. (1) I always had to be really, really careful with small people. Small people tend to sail through the air in a really unattractive fashion with a solid kick. Or, if you mistime a spinkick and hit them in the back (illegal in TKD) they tend to just sort of go down. And then you have to go talk to their millionaire husbands and make them understand that there's no money there if they were thinking of sueing. (2) Small people can be a lot faster and be a smaller target. With the rules of sparring being what they are, this works in small people's favor. It's just a grossly unrealistic way of looking at how a fight would end if it wasn't a judged tournament. (Of course, some people just see you across the mat and they get "the fear", believing you will, in fact, take their block off. The League once had a high school kid run out of the ring away from him. It was sad.)

Now, I'm not saying small people can't take out bigger people, becasue they can and they do. The League has had his ass handed to him by many people, not the least of which was his alarmingly nimble instructor. Also, although not small, Dan Peters is a lot faster than he looks.

I'm mostly just trying to do two things:
1) dispel the notion that a fancy kick you saw on TV is going to do much if you're small
2) dispel the idea that big guys will generally go down with a single pop any more than small people might

So what should tiny people know? The League is no master of self-defense, but here's what we think:

Run away. There's no shame in running. Violence never solved anything. Except for proving to the Russians that our blue collar American work ethic could overcome the commies' science-zombie super-soldier boxer in Rocky IV. Suck on that, Mother Russia.

Go for the face. If you do connect, you're hitting a nerve point in there somewhere. Ears are good, especially if you can get a grip and pull real hard. Eyes are mushy. Noses hit properly will blind for a few crucial seconds. Also, the throat (not the neck) is good, too. Punch it hard.

DO NOT GO FOR THE CROTCH (unless you know what you're doing). This is usually taught in self-defense class, and I guess maybe it will work, but... Most guys learned to duck a kick to the groin at age 5. Ask any guy. Trust me, any dude who is paying attention will turn to the side, you will miss and they will be very, very angry. (This is also a constant movie cliche of over-confident bad-guys. They always stand squarely facing the target and within knee's reach. This is silly).

Use what's on hand. Your body is soft and fleshy. When flesh hits flesh, it hurts slightly more than hitting someone with a beef-log (unwrapped). You will also hurt yourself if you connect with bone. Just so you know, keys jabbing into your ribs hurt really, really bad. Phones and remotes make excellent projectiles.

Be loud. Don't just scream, scream that you're being attacked. Scream specifics. If nothing works, scream that there's a fire. People will always come to check on a fire, just in case. And don't quit screaming.

Anyway, that's a really long post inspired by a really dumb fight scene I just watched.

Artist Seth Fisher has died

I'd only recently been turned onto his work through Green Lantern: WillWorld and Batman: Snow in the ongoing Batman: Legend of the Dark Knight.

The man was incredibly talented. I'm not sure what else to say.

Read here and here and here.

For Fisher's own site, go here.

ooooohhhh

The UK ToyFair is on in, uh, the UK.

The ToyFair is an event at which toy makers set up in a convention center and buyers from stores decide what they will stock for the next year (to some extent).

Anyhoo, it's gotta be a fun sort of thing to go to. They do have one in the US, and it usually inspires quite a few "Toys That Should Not Be" postings.

To see what toy The League wants, go here.

Jamie will be sad to know that this item will probably only be available in the UK.

Jim D's Conversational Shorthand Meme

Recently Jim D. said the following:

I have noticed that I have begun to use a conversational shorthand when conversing with people with whom I will likely never see again.

And then said:

...In the mere exchange of conversational pleasantries, is it easier simply to allow the conversation to run its course without the unnecessary addition of too many details?

Read all of Jim's post here.

And then Distorted Veracity chimed in here.

I'm going to pick up on the theme and try and turn this into some sort of meme.

In his travels, Jim's walking through a world of anonymous faces, and maybe that's a bit of what he's doing in Beaumont. I don't know, and I would hate to speak for him.

Surely as much as he's limiting his conversations for expediency, there has to be some knowledge that anonymity has it's virtues, and getting too attached to a waitress at the diner or the cab driver from the hotel isn't going to go much of anywhere.

I think I've sort of been doing this with every single person I've met since I arrived in Arizona.

Sure, there are a few people I talk to regularly and in some detail, but I am aware that I go for weeks on end speaking with only my office mates, my local comic shop guy and Jamie. That's been the sum total of my social circle since my arrival in Phoenix. I can't recall the last time I stood in the yard and talked to my neighbor or the last time I had a conversation with someone that wasn't really somehow work related.

I guess what's bothering me as I head towards my fourth year in the desert is the knowledge that there's been a certain distance kept, as if I know I'm just passing through this place. Most of the staff knows Jamie's name and she's met most everybody at least once, although I suspect some of our newer folks aren't even sure I'm married. Aside from that, I'm not sure how much I've really offered up.

Maybe a few people know my political views. Some could tell you a movie or two I like. Some could venture a guess at a book I may have read. Maybe a few could even tell you around when I was in college. For the most part I'm not sure how much folks know about me. Admittedly, that's a two-way street. I'm sure in most offices you're just not that involved with one another no matter how many hours a week you spend sharing the same recycled air. And maybe I'm misreading all of this, and maybe these folks all know me better than I realize. Maybe it's me that's missing out on the details.

The endless condition of acquaintance is not something I'll miss one day when I put the Valley of the Sun in the rearview mirror. I'm tired of working friendships and conversations where I edit and edit and edit before I feel like I've watered down whatever it was I planned to say until it was safe for public consumption. And maybe I'm wrong and that wasn't what I had to do in the first place, but when you're just passing through, sometimes you want to leave as few ripples as possible.

Huh.

This is why I am a firm supporter of the red velvet rope.

You know, when I was in high school a security guard at the Houston Museum of Fine Arts got pissy with me for supposedly standing too close to a painting. I'm not sure what the proper distance is supposed to be, but I was looking at the brush work on a 300 year-old oil painting, so I can understand them being a bit touchy.

Note I said "a bit touchy", not "GET AWAY FROM THE PAINTING!" touchy.

That said, I had my hands folded behind my back and was only leaning in slightly. i doubt I was even breathing on the picture.

To this day I prefer science museums. Nobody ever gets mad at you for looking too closely at a geode.

Weekend Round-Up:

Ah, what a weekend!

End of last week saw the end of an era at my job as co-worker Maria put in her resignation. While I'm very excited for her new opportunity, I am less excited about the length of time it takes to hire somebody at my Employing University. I suspect we'll see a replacement in, like, 6 months. The League strongly suspects he will be asked to wear two hats in the interim and then train the new person in the ways of our office. We also thought Maria was a pretty nice person, so we're going to miss her sunny disposition. And my office needs all the sunshine it can get. It's windowless. But, yes, I have an office all to myself. Eat that, private sector cube monkeys!

Friday night League HQ watched the Suns play the Atlanta Hawks and barely squeeze out a victory over a team they mangled in their last meeting. Good for the Hawks for not sucking anymore, I guess. Since we lost to the Cavs today, I have to wonder about The Suns' falling fortunes. We need Amare back. Now.

Saturday night Doug and Kristen were scheduled to come through PHX as part of a cross-country jaunt. They're assisting former SneakyFrog co-habitants MJ and Shannon in their big move from the Bay Area to Boston. It's a long story, and I'll let Doug tell it if you're interested, but due to some less than honest advertising the moving company didn't finish until 15 hours or something after they were supposed to finish. This delayed the first day of travelling completely, and meant that instead of arriving in time for dinner last night, Doug and Kristen rolled in around 1:00am.

We all sort of sat in the living room trying to be polite for about ten minutes before everybody headed off for bed.

MJ and Shannon came over for breakfast this morning (we had Kirby Lane pancakes and bacon), chatted for a while, inherited a Santor present (Klingon headpiece and make-up kit). I know for a fact that Kristen didn't pay for the thing, but got it at a gift exchange, so I'm wondering how many hands this thing has passed through, and how many more it will pass through before Santor releases this present from his grip.

Jamie had a brilliant idea today, and for some reason I went along with it for a few minutes. It was a beautiful 72 degrees and sunny as all heck, so Jamie decided she was going to "go nap in the backyard with the dogs". She grabbed a few towels, a blanket and a pillow, and with my half-hearted assurance that the dogs wouldn't bother her, she went out there to go lay down.

A few minutes later I looked out the window and Lucy was licking Jamie's head and Mel was circling. Deciding my presence was the missing ingredient, I planted myself on the towel. Mel lay down with the "bad end" toward my head and otherwise it was nice. For about ten seconds. Then Lucy came back by and dropped a tennis ball on us, and Mel started wagging his tail and kicking dirt and grass up all over us.

And thus ended the Great Backyard Nap Experiment.

While waiting for Doug and Kristen, I updated some of my links that were sadly out of date. RHPT.com, you are officially dropped from the blogroll.

Anyway, not much else.

Get over to Nanostalgia.com to see what's going on.

In the news:

Hussein trial: Is anyone else wishing we'd just grabbed Hussein and brought him to stand trial at The Hague? Between the mix of side-show and Kangaroo Court, this probably isn't going according to script.

Alito: I am not crazy about a guy Frist described as "a liberal's worst nightmare", but I'm also rolling my eyes at John Kerry's 11th hour attempt to get a filibuster.

Hamas in Charge: Democracy! Wow!

British Murdering Dude: As much as I want to believe people aren't all complete scumbags, I have learned to quit believing people are innocent until proven guilty when their children and spouse turn up shot and the most likely candidate happens to have skipped town at the same time.

My Precious....

So, yesterday while I was lathering up with some irish Spring in the ol' shower Jamie announced that she had lost her engagement ring.

For some reason I can't ever remember a time when Jamie's wedding band and engagement rings actually fit her fingers (my ring fits great, thanks for asking) and she spends all day doing two things:

1. Taking her rings on and off or switching them around on her fingers.
2. Using copious amounts of hand lotion to fight off the debilitating desert air.

I'd pretty much decided about 5 years ago Jamie would lose her rings at some point, and so when she announced she'd lost the ring I don't think I displayed the proper panic.

I did finish my shower, comb my hair and put on some undies in hopes of assisting, but was, instead, shoo'd out the door. Still, while I knew I was now going to have to save up to buy an all new engagement ring, I still don't think I ever really went overboard about the whole incident.

That, and it wasn't one of Jamie's two daily activities that had led to the whole debacle. Apparently she'd taken off her rings to eat ribs, and we'd gone to the ribs place because I like to go there and watch basketball on their giant TV. So Jamie was humoring me just by being there.

The ring, itself, is a copy of a family heirloom and actually has the diamonds FROM the family heirloom embedded in it. So, you know, you're really not supposed to lose completely irraplaceable family jewelry. And buying a new ring would have been a nice thing to do, but it wouldn't have resolved that issue.

Anyhoo, 9:30 last night they called and someone found the ring at Damon's. Hooray! Tonight we're stapling the ring to Jamie's finger.

THE LEAGUE DISPENSES PARENTING ADVICE

This lady is really, really smart.

Do you know why I get to say this? Because I worked at the Disney Store for three summers and 1 summer at Chuck E. Cheese.

There's something about having kids under the age of 5 that makes some people convinced that Satan himself is trying to somehow corrupt your kid. 9 out of 10 times, it's nothing the kid would have ever noticed if the parent hadn't misinterpreted it and then made a big deal out of it.

About once every two weeks when I was a Disney employee making $5.00/ hr, somebody would locate me and start telling me how some tower in Little Mermaid looked too much like a penis, or they'd have to tell me how aghast they were at the famous "SEX" in the clouds in Lion King. The common denominator was that it was invariably something their stupid kid never would have noticed if Mommy wasn't getting her panties in a bunch about it. (How they thought their 2 year old child knew what an erect penis looked like was a bit of a mystery best left unexplored.)

I usually would humor these angry guests for a minute and then point out a manager. If a manager wasn't readily available, I would ask "Was your child upset by this?" which was probably not what Disney wanted me to do, but I figured I could probably find another $5.00/ hr job if push came to shove. Without fail, the child now only knew that the Disney Store was now suddenly a "bad" place full of wicked $5.00/ hr clock watchers but wasn't sure what the hubbub was really about.

Look, there is SOME stuff in Disney movies that shouldn't probably be there. The priest's erection in Little Mermaid comes to mind. That's no urban myth. The supposed one frame of Jessica Rabbit I've also seen confirmed. However... That stuff is fairly well hidden. If the two frames of filth have forever warped your child, you're a terrible parent and you're doing an awful job of preparing your kid for life. These are not the messages you get to relay when you don the polyester sweater and form fitting pants.

If the 1/24th of second of obscenity is bugging you that much, Disney has a policy that you can, at any time, return any Disney product to a Disney Store and receive some sort of refund. I am sure by offering up this info that I just broke a non-disclosure agreement, but it's true. If Mickey or Goofy are on the item, you can drop it there and get some sort of reimbursement.

The flipside of this is, of course, that for every one of these parents who is trying to shelter their kids from the storm, there's 5 of the "throw 'em in the deep end" variety dropping the f-bomb because they can't find the right size princess dress for their kid.

The League is not wholly convinced that these parents aren't usually one and the same. It all sort of depends on their mood and who they want to blame today that their kid is a little hooligan.

But this isn't Disney we're talking about. These are the post-Jim Henson muppets who speak in freakish falsettos and act like morons day after day and sell damned-near anywhere. But since he's a Muppet and not a Disney character, you can't return Elmo to the Disney Store. So...Before you jump in the Excursion to demand your money back at Wal-Mart, The League suggests you consider the following:

-If Elmo's weird little friend's garbled squeakings sound to you like "Who wants to die?" let's think of it as a Rorshach test, mommy. Maybe it's time for you to take a look around the house and see what needs changing.

-If Elmo's weird little friend is, in fact, asking "Who wants to die?", you gotta look at the bright side. Maybe your kid is just learning about goth kids at an early age.

-Finally, if you're reading your kid an electronic talking book about how to take a pee, The League would suggest you need to sit back and take a good, long, hard assessment of your life.

Look, if you want to be concerned about your kids learning how human beings are, I highly suggest locking them in a box until they're 18. Then let them out. As an adult with adult experiences, you may read all kinds of stuff into works which were never intended to be all that filthy. Further, calling CNN because there's bad audio in your Elmo read-a-long book is a cry for help.

Sometimes bad audio compression is just bad audio compression.

And that's the advice today from Uncle League.

A Few Quick Items

A) Hey, look! It's Carla Beth! Carla was my roommate in college and a collaborator throughout film school. She's a peach of a girl, now living in North Carolina, and she's got her own blog.

For those of you wondering what Carla is up to, check it out.

B) I've posted an opinion on the Disney/ Pixar deal at Nanostalgia.com.

C) For a whole, wide array of Toys That Should Not Be, go here.

D) "Flava of Love" makes me weep for the Public Enemy of my youth. Yet I cannot look away.

E) I feel like I need a fifth item, but I can't think of one. Uhm. The new sandwich place I tried the other day promised my sandwich came with fries. What they did not say was that the fries were IN the sandwich. That was not good.

Real Life Superheroes File: Mr. Silent/ Doktor DiscorD

Ah, it wouldn't be The League of Melbotis if we weren't supporting anti-social and possibly dangerous behavior.

You'll note that The League doesn't hesitate to post little blurbs here and there along the way about folks in costume trying to get things done. Grant Morrison called it, saying we'd start to see superheroes in the next few years. And I think we will. I don't think they're going to look a lot like Superman or Green Lantern (and I guarantee you, no Wonder Woman), but I do think people are going to put on masks and leap into action. I just hope it looks more like this and less like this.

And this brings us to the real-life case of real-life superheroes Mr. Silent and Doktor DiscorD. The comic blog-o-sphere has been ablaze of late chatting about the duo (calling themselves the Justice League of Justice) and their unsolicited attempts to clean up the streets of Indianapolis.


Mr. Silent, Doktor DiscorD and, I believe, "Doom Bunny"

Now, a lot of that chat has been about how these two guys are probably going to end up getting killed. I hope not. The League thinks we're in the 21st Century, and Real-Life superheroes are an idea whose time has come. We more or less already have supervillains (Bin Laden. Kim Jong Il. Kevin Federline.), and nobody to thwart them. Well, we have Condoleeza Rice, but that's the worst superhero name ever. It sounds less like a menacing avenger of justice and more like an undiscovered (but delicious!) version of the San Francisco Treat. And if you think that here in the U.S. of A. that we don't have nutjobs in costumes running around in masks who could use a good beat-down, I submit this.

Read an interview with Mr. Silent here and Doktor DiscorD here. And I guess this whole thing started over with Warren Ellis here.

Can we expect to see Supervillains? Well, Superman didn't come out of the gate fighting supervillains, and neither did Batman. The supervillains came along later.

The League isn't sure he's in good enough shape to actually stop any crime, and usually has to get up early for work, so we're not sure tights and a mask are in our future. A cape? Well, it'll depend on the weather...

Hopefully, all of this will go better than Jim D's ill-fated journey into costumed vigilantism.

Oh, Leaguers. The Suns almost went into triple overtime again this evening, but Allen from the Sonics hit a 3-pointer with only 1.5 seconds left. Nerves of steel on that guy. Anyway, one of the highest scoring games in NBA history.152-149. Yowza.

I watched most of the Seahawks-Panthers game. I was cheering for the Seahawks, but mostly because I was cheering for Mike Holmgren. And I cheer for Mike Holmgren because I look at the man and I know what I'll look like in 15 years. I also like Shaun Alexander, but how can you not be impressed with that guy even if you're not a fan?

Jamie's brother went to high school with Mike Minter on the Panthers, so we need to cheer for him, if not the whole team.

Editor's note: Jamie says "I went to high school with him, too - he was two years ahead of me and one behind Doug."

I really didn't care who won the Steelers/ Broncos game, except that I sort of admire Jake Plummer's whole "I really need professional help, but as long as I can throw a ball they give me money" thing. I hope to have all of my insanity forgiven one day because I have some money-making skill. Hey, who ever filled the void left by Wesley Willis, anyway?

I'm still coming down from a busy week of work. In FACT I was at work today for a while. Technical support doesn't just go on M-F, 8-5, occasionally on Sundays people expect service, too.

Jim D. sent me his copy of "Superman meets He-Man", and Leaguers, you can expect a review of that little gem just as soon as I can bear to relive the comic in that sort of detail. Despite my promise to purge my life of unwanted comics, I also recently picked up some back issues of Mister Miracle. I also picked up issues of "My Monkey's Name is Jennifer". I don't know why this comic makes me laugh, but, man...

This week may be full of wonder and surprises. If what I think may happen occurs, you people will be the first to know..

Happy Birthday to Reed T. Shaw!

Reed is now old and reportedly has a kid. Sure, he's keeping her in an igloo cooler with an iguana named "Rex" and feeding her only fish food, so I'm not sure what kind of father he is, but he's no longer care-free twenty-ish Reed T. Shaw.

In honor of Reed-O's birthday and to commemorate Reed's glory days, I provide us with the cover image of Lita Ford's 1983 album, "Out for Blood".

Enjoy.