Pig Flu

Sigh.

I'm not going to say this right, and I'm going to be taken the wrong way, but here we go.

I am aware that the flu/ Spanish Influenza/ Swine Flu/ Avian Flu, etc.... are all very serious.

But before we start saying "pandemic" and "epidemic", we should keep this in mind.

According to NOAA's National Severe Storms Laboratory, something like 100 people die from lightning strikes each year in the US, and about 500 are injured.

There are roughly 300 million Americans.

While lightning does not travel like a virus, before we all believe we're doomed from pig flu, let's get a handle on the statistics. Or else I suggest we start treating lightning as an epidemic.

As of today, they found 40 non-fatal cases of the flu in the US. You are more likely to die from lightning as of today in the US than you might from Pig Flu.

That could change tomorrow, but the number of cycles being lost as everyone calms everyone else and explains basic hygiene is sort of nuts. And I sincerely hope we don't see a return of La Grippe. I'm just not sure we're there yet.

That is all.

Always and Forever

ANNOUNCEMENT: I'm sorry to report to all you ladies out there in Leaguer-Land that one Douglas Foster McBride is now off the market.

Doug is, of course, Jamie's brother (and has been for some time now). He's a fantastic person, and we're all very lucky he hasn't turned on a one of us yet.

Yes, this weekend Doug and his very special lady-friend, Kristen, decided to become engaged for marriage. Reportedly, Doug liked it, and, thusly, put a ring on it.

Our congratulations go out to the happy couple. We wish Kristen the best of luck with living with Doug for the rest of her life.

No details on the wedding yet, but we know those two crazy kids are just meant for each other. May they find all the wedded bliss Jamie and I have found.

So, congrats to Doug and Kristen, to the McBrides and Boney families. And to me, and my hopes for an open bar.

And because I know this is the sentiment Doug is feeling in his heart right now...



Watch Napoleon Dynamite - Kip song (always and forever) in Music | View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com


"Always and Forever"
(by Kipland Ronald Dynamite)

Why do you love me?
Why do you need me?
Always and forever

We met in a chat room
Where love can fully bloom
Sure the World Wide Web is great
But you, you make me "salvavate"

Yes I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever

Our love is like a flock of doves
Flying up to heav'n above
Always and forever
Always and forever

Yes, your love is truly great
Always and forever

Why do you need me?
Why do you love me?

Now I can get drunk like a Russian at breakfast

Bakon Vodka.

It's, apparently, bacon-flavored vodka. As if someone reached into my brain and said "what sort of evil scheme can we concoct to get this near-tee-totaler to drink? Oh. My. Weird and sad."




But there it is. Bakon Vodka.

tip o' the hat to Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool.

Very quick Friday night post

The Admiral sent me these pics. They were associated with a made-up story about the plane as a failed Soviet experiment in a giant K-7. If you look at the pics closely, its somebody's 3D modeling project. Blow them up to full size for detail, and its sort of video-game-style 3D. So I don't know if someone was playing a prank or if they were just generating a story to go with their idea.

Still, its a cool concept for a model. Just neat stuff.

I Saw Astronauts

So, yesterday League-Pal Julia P. alerted me that her sister, who is a student worker at UT, had landed passes to an amazing event on campus. And, apparently, Rachel's friends are a bunch of dorks with no sense off history or the American Spirit, because they passed up a chance to see three living legends.

This evening I joined Julia, Rachel, Shoemaker and a few hundred other folks to see a panel/ reunion of the Apollo 8 Mission members of Frank Borman, Jim Lovell and Bill Anders.

If you don't know who those guys are, well, you should probably watch more TV or whatever the hell I did to know who they were (I do read, occasionally, but let's be real).

LBJ's daughter, Lynda Johnson Robb, opened, and was hilarious. Must be nice to be a Robb and LBJ's daughter, but, anyway, it was terribly sweet.

Moderated by Jim Hartz, the panel more or less took Apollo 8 from start to finish, and gave Anders, Borman and Lovell an opportunity to share some great stories from the mission. And, of course, to describe what it must have been to have been to be the first people to see Earth from beyond orbit, one of the defining moments in human history.


The first Earthrise photo, as snapped by the Apollo 8 mission

It was interesting to hear the context in which these gentlemen described how they thought of the space race, just as much or more a true front in the Cold War and a way to defeat our ideological enemies, as much as building a monument to innovation and achievement.

Some of the Apollo ground crew was in attendance, including Chris Kraft, one of the mastermind of NASA Mission control. The astronauts were more than generous in giving credit where credit is due, and reminded the audience of the extraordinary work that went into putting the missions together.

Its a tough night to describe. We've all got a little hero-worship of these guys, and if you don't, you should. These are the ones, both astronaut and engineer, who achieved the unthinkable and created a new way of looking at the world and the place of our little blue marble against the cosmos. And while they speak knowingly of the weight of the mission, its unpracticed and honest when all of them described the how's and why's of being a part of the Apollo missions in straightforward terms.

I don't know if mankind's destiny is beyond this little backwater planet on the edge of an unremarkable galaxy, but I like to think of how America and even Russia put forth their greatest efforts by their best and brightest to achieve the unachievable. That a war could be fought by sending rockets to space rather than at one another, and that in doing so, return to our planet wiser, with greater knowledge and with new dreams for mankind.

Lynda Johnson Robb mentioned that her father sent copies of the Earth Rise photo to every single leader of a nation, not as a sign of Earth's might or technical superiority, but as a sign of our world as it is. A bright dot against the dark, and that's what we have in common.

Years ago someone sent this to me for The League of Melbotis Christmas Spectacular, and its largely why I know about the Apollo 8 Mission.

On Christmas Eve, 1968 the astronauts of Apollo 8 were in orbit around the moon, unsure if they would return safely to Earth, roughly 238,857 miles from Earth. Family. Safety.

Huh.

Should I be:

1) comforted to know there are fewer bullets available?
2) terrified that all the bullets are sold to people who would use them against me?
3) disappointed that Central Texas is also full of wingnuts that believe an Obama administration would mean the end times and who are stocking up, a la Timothy McVeigh?
4) angry with ammunition suppliers for failing to keep up with demand?
5) curious as to who owns the bullets?
6) joining Lou Dobbs in believing its all the Cartels?
7) buying my own weaponry and getting ready for my life to turn into "The Magnificent Seven?"
8) not surprised? This is Texas.
9) admitting its me who has all the bullets?
10) thinking bullets should cost $5 a piece if cigarettes are $7 a pack.

Li'l Leaguers: Free Comics on May 2

The annual Free Comic Book Day event is rolling into a comic shop near you!

Parents (and the League is now filled with 'em) will be happy to know that there are usually a lot of kid-friendly comics available on FCBD.

A list of available free comics

More info on Free Comic Book Day (including a tool to help you find free comics by zip code in the US)

This Year I see:

-Pixar's Cars
-Owly
-Sonic the Hedgehog
-Star Wars
-Archie
-Transformers
-DC Kids Mega Smapler (with Batman)
and more! (your mileage will vary)

I can recommend a few non-free comics for the kids, should you decide to spend some money and thank the nice people running FCBD at your local comic shop.

1) Marvel Adventures are skewed towards the young 'uns. They have several varieties, including Iron Man and Spidey, last I checked.
2) Super Friends features the JLA team, and is aimed at the early elementary school set.
3) Tiny Titans is an all-ages laugh riot. Great for kids and their parents. And anyone with a pulse and eyes.
4) Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the 8th Grade is a good one for slightly older kids.
5) Any of the Scrooge, Donald or Mickey books is worth looking at. There's a built in level fo quality to a lot of the Scrooge and Donald stuff, in my opinion. They're a little on the pricey side, so I suggest finding a collection that might save you a few bucks in the long haul.
6) Billy Batson and the Power of Shazam!
7) Any left over issues of Justice League Unlimited, Krypto the Super Dog, etc... marked "Johnny DC" are a safe bet.
8) Archie and Sabrina books are a perennial favorite


You big kids may also find something for free for many a taste (if not every taste)

-Bongo Comics is doing a Simpsons sampler
-Green Lantern
-Wolverine
-Love and Rockets
and...
-William Shatner Presents! (I have no idea what that means)

I'll be at Austin Books on FCBD. They're setting up a tent outside and having a give away and whatnot.

Leaguer Interactivity Day

Short on content, and I kind of want to pack it in early tonight.


1) What was your first car? And do you miss it?

2) Are you going on vacation this summer, and where?

3) Who is a dame (or dude) in the media that you once dug?

4) What was your favorite toy as a child, and do you know where it is now?

5) What movie do you believe is brilliant that you are aware is not well regarded by the public or critics? And do you publicly defend the movie or not? (I'm not referring so much to movies you find a guilty pleasure... more along the lines of "why doesn't everyone see the genius I see in this thing?)

6) Album?

7) Television show?

8) And if I must... book.


Wonder Woman v. Tank. Art by Alex Ross.

Music Post

So circa 1992, League-Pal Shauna C suggested I check out a band called "My Bloody Valentine". After I realized my tape deck wasn't busted and that was just what they sounded like, I became quite a fan of their album, "Loveless". It sort of fell in with other stuff I was listening to at the time, like "Lush" and "Curve". But, I thought a bit better.

I don't have many albums from back then that I still listen to. I'll listen to specific tracks, but end-to-end album listening is limited. But Loveless still gets a listen from time to time. In the end, I liked them a lot better than Lush or Curve or whatever.

So today I checked in on Facebook, and a former co-worker mentioned he was going to see MBV tonight. I had no idea they were in the US, let alone in Austin. And, of course, it was the first time I've had plans on a week night in, like, two years. Jason and I were going to see Spoon at The Scoot Inn. I like Spoon. I really do. And we never, ever go to shows any more (although we have two more booked in the next few weeks.)

I had somehow got it in my head that maybe MBV, who was touring Europe, would be here for ACL Fest if they were coming to Austin at all. So I quit checking their site for tour updates a while back.

In short, I missed the show. But I did see Spoon. Whom I also like. I'm still trying to work the karmic balance of all that out in my head.

Records

I am enjoying the new Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs. It's a lot closer to what I thought "Fever to Tell" was going to be, but then was sort of disappointed when it was not. I always like it when a band decides to do more of what they're good at.

Also finally got the new Heartless Bastards on my iPod, so that's tomorrow.

Have been listening to "Who Killed Amanda Palmer?" which sort of begs the question of how necessary the other half of "Dresden Dolls" really is, but sometimes you just want it to be a "Dresden Dolls" album, and other times you're glad it is not.

And I admit that I'm one of the people who is listening to Dan Deacon. I am going out on a limb here, but is Bromst (his latest) his attempt to be the Philip Glass of his genre? I prefer the new album to Spiderman of the Rings. Partially because I don't feel like I've been taking crazy pills if I listen to it for three songs in a row.

And Deacon played Emo's on Friday.

More Shows

I think were seeing Black Joe Louise & The Honeybears in a week or so, and then Jamie is joining us for TV on the Radio.


So

I guess I need to start reading the frikkin' Chronicle again.

So that's whats going on with me.

A Wagon Wheel!

Wilser Gets a Book Published

It seems a high school pal has written a book and it has been published. Congrats to Jeff Wilser and the publication of his book, "The Maxims of Manhood".

I'm going to go out on a limb here and point out that Jeff was a great guy in high school. Sure, a little mouthy and opinionated, but in an endearing kind of way. I sort of figured he'd become a politico or something, but he's a sort of writer-for-hire for several hip sources, from GQ to VH1. A little different from the debate club champ and lacrosse player who lived around the block.


I wonder if he knows whatever happened to Margaret?

How About a Wagon Wheel?

As kids, I think Jason and I mutually hated this smarmy little bastard.



For some reason, lately Jason and I find suggesting that if someone's hungry, they should have a Wagon Wheel, absolutely hilarious. The best part is that Jamie really doesn't find it funny at all.



That little blob of yellow in a hat haunted the Saturday morning cartoons for a few crucial years of my youth. I have no doubt that if it was on TV, I would have asked my Mom if I could have a Wagon Wheel. But I don't remember ever having one. I have to assume she said something along the lines of "No. You can't have cheese. Go find an apple." Just sitting and eating cheese was not something that The KareBear would have thought a particularly bright idea, especially with two kids who were growing so fast they would be happy sitting and eating a hunk of cheddar the size of a car battery.

Jason also pointed out that the little guy in the hat actually looks like a blob of cholesterol trying to find a home in your veins.

So go figure.

Movie Review

I forgot to mention I saw "State of Play" over the weekend. It's about what you'd expect.

I think I'll probably forget I ever saw it in about three months, but a decent flick.

They did show a trailer for "Public Enemies" about John Dillinger and starring Johnny Depp. That actually looked watchable, and from what reading I did on Dillinger a long time ago, and from shows I've watched on cable, I think there's probably a pretty good movie in there somewhere.

I'll be curious to see how we handle the story of a guy like Dillinger in our current economic situation.

Directed by Michael Mann, which means it will either be 4 hours long or end with a scene cut to the extended rendition of "In a Gadda da Vida" (Manhunter! Whoooo!).

Le French Fork atteint son premier anniversaire

Special congratulations to League-Pal Letty, who has just reached the crucial one-year mark with her French cooking blog, The French Fork.

Blog host Letty is a native of France who came to the States back when her now-husband, Juan G., was but a student worker, toiling beneath my steely foreman's gaze. I recall Juan telling me about his new French roommate, and he seemed quite fond of her. I was gone all of about two years, and they were getting married.

We returned from our Arizona sojourn and became pals with Letty as well as Juan G. I couldn't be happier for them as they look forward to welcoming a little Juan G. into the world in the next several weeks.

Anyhow, I am a fan of Letty as both person and blogger, and think you should be reading her blog not just for the recipes, but for her stories, her takes on French culture versus American (or at least Central Texan) culture, and a whole host of other reasons.

And it should be known, Letty is a phenomenal chef/ baker/ etc... and every time she brings food, you know you're in for something great.

Here's to another few decades of The French Fork.

Cardinal Sin

is to blog about blogging.

But I'd feel remiss if it were Monday and there was nothing to greet you in your Reader or when you clicked over to The League and found I'd last updated on last week's news.

For shame.

I did finally blog over at Comic Fodder for, really, the first time since Watchmen was released. I have not said as much, but its been increasingly difficult to blog on comics of late. Some of it is time related, and part of it is the let down of the Watchmen film, mixed with the conclusion of "Final Crisis", which I am remaining silent upon until I read it all, all over again (but which left me drained). Part of it is that I don't like commenting upon ongoing stories, because its a bit like writing a new review of a movie at every fifteen minute point of that movie. And my favorite DC titles are now embroiled in year-long storylines. So... maybe in the fall?

I also am having a hard time finding time to read comics. Work is busy, and life has been busy. I'm stunned when I realize that people with kids and a job find time to not just read comics, but to write about them.

I am not sure I'm ready to give up the ghost on the column at Comic Fodder quite yet, but I'm fairly certain the Signal Watch column sort of put me off the whole thing for a while. It was making me worry too much about other blogs, and I felt like the whole thing just wasn't worth the time.

And, occasionally, I feel badly that League of Melbotis strayed so far from its original, comic-book themed roots so I could devote those columns to Comic Fodder. I always felt that there was something fun in tying the daily journal bit with the comic and movie stuff, and getting everything in once place.

But that's not really how blogs work anymore, if they ever did. They're on a theme, and you stick to that theme, or people aren't going to read. Which is why we're at about 45 readers a day here, and that includes about 40 hits from people looking for pictures of Supergirl Naked.

Actually, we get a lot more people looking for Rachael from Bladerunner and Bonnie from Knight Rider these days.

Not much to report. It was beautiful here today. We cleaned the garage. I went through a box of work stuff from ASU, much of which is actually not winding up in a landfill. Walked Lucy for a while. Watched an episode of "Cheaters" on G4, which is sort of the television equivalent of huffing paint (if "Rock of Love" is, indeed, TV crack).

Texas Secede!!!

Now there's a terrible idea.

I still don't think anyone honestly believes Perry is serious about this stuff, so I don't know why everyone is up in arms about the fact he made a joke that reflects Texas bumper sticker humor. Aside from the fact that you guys outside of Texas are all a little bit afraid of us. Which is awesome. Because you should be.

Legend has it, Texas legally has the right to do two wacky things as defined by the agreements under which Texas entered the Union.

1) We can, Voltron-like, break into five states any time we like. Apparently the vast expanse of Texas seemed unweildy to the folks who annexed Texas, so that provision was pretty darn clear in the Annexation paperwork. It was also tied to the Missouri Compromise in ways that probably amde more sense to folks back then than to me, but... anyway. It was (and maybe still is) an option.

I say we get rid of Orange County and Vidor, if we have the option, but nobody listens to me.

2) Secede. From 1836 - 1845, Texas was its own, independent, yahoo-filled, broke down country. Sure, Mexico mostly just considered the Tejas part of Coahuila y Tejas a rogue state, but still part of Mexico until the US brought Texas into the US. This led to a little skirmish most Americans have never heard of called "The Mexican-American War", in which America wound up invading an already weakened Mexico (years of infighting did Mexico no favors), and wound up grabbing most of what you think of as the Western US from Mexico as a prize. So if you think the US doesn't do stuff like that, we absolutely do. We mostly do that @#$% all the time.

And if you don't think they didn't put the Texians out in front to try to get a little Alamo payback during that war, they sure did.

Its more of a question of international law than US law, and how Texas was annexed to the US that suggests that maybe Texas was never actually annexed, and we're all living on occupied Mexican soil. Which is sort of a moot point 160 years later. I'm sure some academic, somewhere, is very bent out of shape about all this.

Different people have different viewpoints on whether Texas could secede or not, based upon the paperwork, but as far as the average Texan on the street is concerned, the ratifcation of the Annexation of Texas gives Texas the right to take their ball and go, any time they want. It inflates our sense of superiority as a state, and, man... that's sort of what we're all about down here.

However, (a) this deal was null and void thanks to re-entering the Union after the Civil War, (b) the paperwork nowhere actually says "you guys can go any time you like", and is sort of a mix of cultural legend and skewed reading of the annexation papers, and (c) this actually came up in court about ten years ago, and... no, Texas can't secede.

The fact is that Texans can't and won't secede, so, CNN and US media... chill the hell out. Its just an old joke. And if anything is more ridiculous than Perry's fake claims for secession, its the fake outrage and agreements by fake newsmen and pundits with fake opinions on this fake topic.

And yet, America is abuzz. (Cue exaggerated eye roll)

While we would do better than, say, Wyoming, if we were on our own again, we're pretty darn tied into the US. And while there's always some blowhard (see: Rick "The Hair" Perry) talking about how if these Democrats keep doing X or Y, we could bail, its the sort of dimwitted bravado that Texans are known for and handily reinforces the notions folks have out of state about Texas.

What is utterly moronic is that people outside of Texas hear this stuff, don't know the culture of Texas, and begin making assumptions that Texans really want to secede, or that a critical mass is for this idea.

Rest of the World: I assure you, they are not serious. We are not going to secede. Not over this, anyway. We take our US Citizenship as seriously as anyone else (we went through a hell of a lot between 1836 and 1865 to get it sorted out, after all). But thanks for playing that card, media. And thanks, public, for eating it up.

Bear in mind, we've had more Presidents than pretty much any other state even with our short history of Statehood. We have 4th of July picnics. We serve in the military in hge numbers. And we put up with Oklahoma being so close by with a minimum of complaint. What else do you want as proof of loyalty?

What I'd love to see is Perry, if he really, really wants to be governor again, actually do some governing. The Texas Governor's job is honestly pretty cushy when some hobo isn't burning your mansion down. Rather than threatening secession, try to dream up a plan to stimulate the Texas and regional economy rather than crossing your arms and throwing a hissy fit that the federal government has to take drastic measures to keep up all from becoming Tom Joad. (You are aware that our banks suddenly have no money, yes? And that's bad? And maybe that happened under the watch of the dude who got you your current job?)

In short, real leaders actually DO SOMETHING about a problem (usually staying within the law). It takes creativity and know-how, which is something Perry actually managed to do once, when he set up the Gulf Coast hurricane planning that worked like gangbusters for recent storms like Ike. So, Rick may want to put his thinking cap back on and get his pals in The Zoo at the Capitol to actually do some good.

Real leaders do not behave like a sixteen year old slamming his door in his parents' face because they totally won't let him have an XBox, even though Dad lost his job and money is tight. (But they totally promised...!)

I've lacked respect for Perry by-and-large all along, but it may be time for the guy to either take some sort of leadership role or get out of the way.

Safely Back in Waterloo

I came back to town today and to work for a few hours. I took my co-worker home and met his entire family, which was kind of entertaining. You hear little snippets about your co-worker's home lives, and then there they are, including the little dog.

I walked away with a nice plant I can put in my front yard flower bed. I'm actually very excited because its a bit more of a local plant and less of a shrub than what we have planted there now. I kind of want to tear out what we have in those beds and put in some native flora.

As a follow up to yesterday, I slept like a log last night once moved. Good for me, bad for my reading of Moby Dick.

Was going to write about final episodes of Terminator series, but I'm tired and I don't think anyone of you actually watch the show.

apparently it was some coffee shop, not a bar. They host fund raising events. The world's nicest La Quinta employee moved me to a new room on, literally, the otehr side of the complex and all I can hear is the sound of trucks on the freeway and my air conditioner.

I should also mention they have free wireless, which the last Hyatt i stayed in did not.

If I catch any of you making fun of La Quinta, it will be pistols at dawn.

apparently my motel room is about 150 feet from some bar where I can look forward to singer/ songwriters actually starting to play at 10:00ish. Just when I thought I was turning in for the night.

It's going to be a long night.

And suddenly I have completely changed my stance on Austin's 70 db policy for outdoor musical venues.

TV Flashback

This post only sort of makes sense. I started looking at this "Bigfoot and Wildboy" intro clip and then posted a bunch of 70's and 80's era sci-fi stuff that I liked, but never really got much attention. This was back before I knew about TV ratings, separations between Prime Time TV and after school kid's stuff. Things like that.

Its kind of impressive what a practice in narrative economy these opening sequences are. You get the basic idea of what's happening, a funky 70's coke-fueled band, and a look at who you're going to see in the cast (and a surprising number of clips end with "John McCheese as Lt. Rodwhatsit". Why do we have to identify the cop's character, but nobody else?

Wonder Woman sort of does all this in song:



Got this clip at Calvin's Canadian Cave of Cool.

I can't imagine what the dudes were on who came up with this, but it must have been a bit stronger than Children's Advil.



Okay, let me rephrase that. I can maybe see coming up with the idea. It's almost as good as my idea for a show where FDR goes underground to run a crackerjack team of secret agents who refuse to play by the rules. But in the 1970's, dagnabbit, Bigfoot was in, but everybody knew our pal Sasquatch didn't talk. Hence: Wildboy. What I can't imagine is being the chain-smoking, chain-philandering, chain-cocktail-guzzling TV exec who looked at clips of this show and said "Bigfoot and Wildboy? That's TV GOLD, PEOPLE! AIR THAT SUCKER!!!!"

I do actually remember this show from the late 70's. But only very vaguely.

After shooting all day in the Southern California sun, that actor in the Bigfoot suit must have smelled like last week's Catch O The Day.

I also stumbled onto this on, and it blew my mind. I've asked dozens of people if they remember this show, and nobody ever knew what I was talking about.



They often thought I was talking about "The Power of Matthew Star". But, no, I was not. I was talking about "Phoenix". I don't think it ran even a whole season, or much of what it was about, but as a kid I remember thinking it was really cool and that Phoenix dude was weird.

Matthew Starr was a show about a cowardly space prince with questionable hair and Louis Gossett Jr.




Jason and I were also really into "Voyagers!" when we were kids. I remember that the Thomas Edison lightbulb episode blew my mind. Trivia. That boy is Punky Brewster's brother, and the adult accidentally died when he pointed a gun at his head with a blank in it and the concussive force killed him. That's why the show ended.



We were also into the briefly lived "Automan", even though we knew it was sort of a lame cop show with Tron-inspired FX.



I was also partial to "Manimal", which would have done much better had it come along about 10 years later when someone invented a piece of software that would blend two photos together. The dude could turn into a falcon and a panther and stuff, and when he was a human, he was rich British guy with okay hair. Not bad.



V: The Series. Which made no sense as the evil Diana and her cohorts STILL wore their "human" masks, even after everyone on Earth knew they were really lizards. It's like keeping on a monkey suit well after everyone realizes you're a person.

Despite the hair (or maybe becuase of it), Diana is better looking than I remember.



The Infrequently spoken of Spider-Man TV stuff. Probably closer to what Ditko had in mind than all that Toby Maguire hoo ha.



The also infrequently discussed Captain America



There was also this post-Heavy Metal Levi's Commercial I was very fond of. Its probably why I wear Levi's to this day.



And just for fun: the opening of The Adventures of Superman

Off To Wacky Waco

Short (practically non-existent) post.

I'm heading to Waco for about 36 hours or more.

I have to get up early, so I don't have time to pen my usual musings if I want to get some shut-eye before my big drive and whatnot tomorrow.

Oddly, this is really the last driving I plan to do for work for a smidge, so hopefully I'll be homebound for a few weeks.

No plans for my evening in Waco. Hopefully I'll just find a place to grab a drink and maybe do some dancing on campus.... Oh, right.


I hope I do not come face-to-face with an angry Baylor Bear

I actually really like the good folks at Baylor, and not just because their facilities are a jump better than ours and they fed me well last time I was there. I haven't spent the night in Waco since high school when our drama team was there for regional competition (and lost). I didn't actually sleep that night, and almost threw-up on the way home thanks to a steady diet of sugar and blue-colored sodas while out from under my parent's watchful eye.

Makes me wonder whatever happened to a lot of those crazy kids.

Anyway, I'm doing some training stuff, including LEADING some training, which is no good for anyone. But if you really, really want to know about open journal systems, meet me Waco on Thursday (but not tomorrow. I'm not leading anybody, anywhere tomorrow).

Your Time Killer of the Day

Here's your time killer of the day.

Movie and comic concepts reduced to their unflattering essence.

Two of my favorites:

SUPERMAN RETURNS: Illegal immigrant is deadbeat dad.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.

Comics and Big Bang Theory

Because I'm going to get asked (Jill and Mom):

Yes, this evening's episode of "Big Bang Theory" was eerily on the nose. To the point where I wasn't laughing, so much as following the script's stunningly accurate depiction of comic shops, lingo, debates, culture, etc...

The issue Penny picked up was, I believe, a recent Booster Gold comic, which WOULD require the reader having had read Infinite Crisis, 52, and have a working knowledge of DC Comics' Multiverse and history. The Batman and Robin issue pulled from the bin was a year-old issue of All Star Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder by Miller and Lee. Sheldon and Howard were fighting over the rare alternate cover by, I think, Neal Adams.

And, yes, the Battle for the Cowl is currently ongoing in Batman comics. As of right now, the DCU believes Batman to be dead following the events of Final Crisis, which leaves a gap as to who, if anyone, could fill Bruce Wayne's cape as Batman. Like Sheldon, I believe its obvious that only Dick Grayson would make sense as the heir to the cowl, but I appreciate Stewart's points on why failed-Robin, Jason Todd, would be an intriguing successor.

I'd forgotten Joe Chill is once again a part of the Batman mythos, but I think that was accurate or they wouldn't have said it...

Also, the comic Stewart picked up for Penny's nephew was, I think, Dangerous Habits, a Hellblazer graphic novel. You may loosely know the story from the movie "Constantine", which bastardized the story to no small degree. And, yeah, i would have loved it at 13, just as I love it now.

Yes, every comic shop has a Captain Sweatpants. In some shops, it is a miracle to see a girl. Not so much at Austin Books, where you see a mix of girlfriends (both dragged along and equal partners in this business) and many women who shop on their own. I owe it to selection, wide customer base and the fact that Austin Books is run like a professional shop more so than most comic shops. But I have, at some stores, seen the nervous look over the aisles when a woman walks into a comic shop. But I'll be honest with you, those geeks are probably mostly interested in seeing what you're reading.

But for the 90% of normal shoppers, there are those 10% of customers who are Captain Sweatpants, over-stylized goth lifestyle guy, whatever. I won't pretend those guys and girls aren't there, because they certainly are. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Anyway, BNT is fun to watch thanks to its accuracy to comic and sci-fi geek culture. Its great to have a show that laughs along with geeks instead of depending on humiliating and inaccurate hyperbole. And the mix of high-minded science withc omics is a bit flattering to geeks.

Even some of the science stuff I know, like the Drake Equation, which anyone who watches those History Channel shows on UFO's might know, and its gratifying to see folks like Smoot show up on a sitcom. A weird, fun mix.

Almost as funny as seeing Gary Numan show up on The Mighty Boosh on my DVR.

It's always a pleasure to see a Flash joke make its way onto the show, or a discussion of Superman's costume, etc... These guys know their audience. And we are loyal and appreciative when you do things right.

The producers aren't dumb. They were at Comic-Con last year and had a huge crowd. This year should be even crazier.

Some Other Stuff

GL Trailer

Trailer for the upcoming animated Green Lantern movie.

I'm not sure why they changed the outfit, but I have no complaints. It looks cool. Seems they kept the storyline in place of what's now considered the Hal Jordan Green Lantern mythos, so I'm happy so far.

Go here.

Free Comic Book Day

May 2nd marks the 2009 edition of Free Comic Book Day!

For those of you playing catch-up, here's the skinny: On FCBD, comic companies produce comics that can be given away at no cost to people who come into the store. After several years of doing this, the companies have figured out what sort of things make sense to give away for free to people who read lots of comics as well as people who are coming by just to check out the free stuff.

Not everything is free, of course, but your local comic shop may have some events scheduled. I suggest calling them up or looking at their website to see what they have scheduled.

Here's a website to check out.

Kurt Cobain Suicide Anniversary

This week marks the 15th anniversary of the death of Kurt Cobain, which the music media has been intent on insisting was horrendously important to just about everyone of my generation.

At the risk of sounding callous, I just wasn't that into the band or the supposed air of mystery around Cobain. I was actually under the distinct impression that by early 1994, Nirvana was fading a bit from superstardom to regular ol' popular rockers. That, of course, completely changed with the death of Cobain, the release of the live MTV album, and the rock-n-roll martyrdom/ mystery of Courtney Love that surrounded the death.

I do know some folks take Cobain's death deadly seriously, and in that I feel awful for his child who will never not-be the daughter of Cobain and Love, then I feel terrible. But I'm not going to romanticize his death, and I'm certainly not going to pretend it made me a Nirvana fan.

For more on the legacy of Cobain, I recommend checking out Garth Ennis's comic series, "Preacher".

B-Day & Easter

Having a birthday in early/ mid April occasionally means I share the weekend with the Easter Weekend. I figure in the big picture, folks probably care a bit more about Easter than my birthday (it seems my birthday may not hold the weight of Easter. Go figure).

I don't mind the confluence of days, and, in fact, welcome it. People are generally in a good mood on Easter, so in the case of this year, I kind of got to ride that wave.

Thursday we had dinner with some friends, as I mentioned. Friday was low-key, and I am afraid I wound up watching reality TV with Jason after dinner. Saturday we stayed home, ran some errands, and then joined friends and family at my folks' house in N. Austin for a lovely dinner with entirely too much food. And somehow I walked away with a 6' Superman standee (of the Bruce Timm art Superman. Pretty awesome).

Today we headed to El Arroyo for a family brunch (and for me to receive my birthday loot. Thanks, loot-bearers!), took in some sunshine and had maybe a Bloody Mary to say "howdy" to my latest journey around the sun. It was supposed to rain, but instead we had 80 degree temperatures and a clear sky. Really, couldn't have been better.

I hope everyone had a great Easter. Thanks to all who could make it to any of our outings this weekend, and all the Facebook, e-mail and other birthday wishes.

Some lovely birthday tributes from Jason and Jamie. Thanks so much, you two. I am to blush.

In closing, I have to post this picture of our good friend Erica's kid, Isaac, as he says "hello" to the Easter Bunny. An Easter Bunny from your darkest nightmares.

34

All My Friends
LCD Soundsystem

That's how it starts
We go back to your house
We check the charts
And start to figure it out

And if it's crowded, all the better
Because we know we're gonna be up late
But if you're worried about the weather
Then you picked the wrong place to stay
That's how it starts

And so it starts
You switch the engine on
We set controls for the heart of the sun
one of the ways we show our age

And if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up, if the sun comes up
And I still don't wanna stagger home
Then it's the memory of our betters
That are keeping us on our feet

You spent the first five years trying to get with the plan
And the next five years trying to be with your friends again

You're talking 45 turns just as fast as you can
Yeah, I know it gets tired, but it's better when we pretend

It comes apart
The way it does in bad films
Except in parts
When the moral kicks in

Though when we're running out of the drugs
And the conversation's winding away
I wouldn't trade one stupid decision
For another five years of lies

You drop the first ten years just as fast as you can
And the next ten people who are trying to be polite
When you're blowing eighty-five days in the middle of France
Yeah, I know it gets tired only where are your friends tonight?

And to tell the truth
Oh, this could be the last time
So here we go
Like a sales force into the night

And if I made a fool, if I made a fool, if I made a fool
on the road, there's always this
And if I'm sewn into submission
I can still come home to this

And with a face like a dad and a laughable stand
You can sleep on the plane or review what you said
When you're drunk and the kids leave impossible tasks
You think over and over, "hey, I'm finally dead."

Oh, if the trip and the plan come apart in your hand
You look contorted on yourself your ridiculous prop
You forgot what you meant when you read what you said
And you always knew you were tired, but then
Where are your friends tonight?

Where are your friends tonight?
Where are your friends tonight?

If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight
If I could see all my friends tonight

Mangum con El Tigre

The tiger is pondering if he can turn Mangum into an after-nap snack.

Matt recently got back from Thailand where he made some friends with incisors the size of steak knives.

Here's some pics of his trip.

Mid-30's

So, in case you missed the various info out there, on Sunday, I hit 34.

I can no longer say I'm in my early-30's without fibbing. I am very close to my life expectancy, were I to be living in the mid-19th century.

I'm not much of one about my birthday, but last night we got together with some friends at Serrano's, down off Red River. The past few weeks have been odd as Matt contracted strep, which he passed to Nicole. Lauren wound up with appendicitis, requiring hospitilization, which meant Steven picked something nasty up at the hospital, which was, I think, also strep.

And, sadly, Juan and Letty are now both fighting strep, too.

So we were sort of thinking that last night would wind up as a small affair (which Jamie wrangled. Thanks, Jamie). And it was, just a few folks. But even a good number of our patients showed up, with a special celebrity appearance by Lauren. Still am so happy she's feeling good enough to walk around a bit and spend time with friends.

Also thanks to friends who've chimed in via e-mail, Facebook, etc...

I have decided that the only promise I'm making myself is that I will finish reading "Moby Dick" before I'm 35. I've never read the book except as a Classics Illustrated edition with art by Bill Sienkiwicz (still one of my favorite artists, period, comic or otherwise). But I figure I should probably read the thing as Mellville intended before I'm dead.

I already bought myself my birthday present(s). Every year I buy myself something, and this year it was two novelty t-shirts. One with The Flash, and one with, of course, Superman.

I'm not entirely clear on whether or not being in one's mid-30's is supposed to mean I'm supposed to shelve some of my goofier interests, put on a sweater and slippers and... wait. Do I see approaching middle-age as becoming Mister Rogers? I believe I might. But, for goodness sake, Mister Rogers had a whole crazy land of make believe with sentient trolleys, a lush named "Lady Elaine" and talking owls and kittens. Mister Rogers was awesome.

Happy B-Day to me, I suppose.

On to 35.

Round-Up and Video Clips

Chuck Candy


Firstly, today was a wild day here at League of Melbotis. JimD sent a link from my Chuck E. Cheese post to Whitney Matheson at Pop Candy. (Matheson is the same blogger who recently asked my Devo question...) Matheson posted the link, and my hit count jumped from its usual 45 hits or so a day (that includes a lot of folks accidentally hitting the site) to about 1800 at last count.

That's a lot of people hearing about my tight slacks and aversion to messy children.

Anyhow, I welcome all the new folks who might stop by. We always appreciate new visitors here at The League, and we hope you enjoy your stay. Please feel free to poke around, ask questions, and generally make yourself at home.

It's always fun getting some visitors who aren't usually at the site. I totally recommend going back and reading the comments section as several other Chuck E. Cheese alumni piped up with similar tales. Great stuff.

Bankston on MSNBC

My former roommate, Kevin Bankston, appeared on MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" this evening arguing for the Electronic Frontier Foundation's lawsuit against the government for illegal wiretapping.

You have to understand how weird it is to see the same guy using the same tone with Keith olbermann that he once used to argue that it was MY turn to clean the living room.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'd rather we not actually debate the topic here, as this isn't that kind of blog, but be a little weirded out that the guy with whom I share a multitude of embarrassing memories is now an important attorney-guy/ pundit.

Old times, old crimes.

Nimoy and New Trek in Austin

It seems the Alamo Drafthouse is a bit bigger deal than I realized. There was a showing of Star Trek II, Wrath of Khan at the Alamo this week with, supposedly, a few minutes of the new Trek sent by the studio. The Alamo surprised the audience with a guest appearance by none other than Leonard Nimoy (that's Spock to you non-nerds), the sort of proto-celeb to us in geek-kind.

In 6th grade, and I wish I were making this up, I had gerbils named "Leonard Nimoy" and "Richard Nixon". Let us speak on this no further.

Well, THEN Paramount pulled the coolest switcheroo in geek history by showing the entirety of the new Trek movie to the assembled.

Read it here in the NYT.

DAMMIT, MAN!!! Sadly, I probably would have missed it had I been in town because I did just watch Star Trek II on cable. Twice.



Spock is my homeboy.

Twitter

I'm probably way late on this, but... it sort of sums up my feelings on a lot of why I can't fully embrace Twitter as a social tool.



Easter Fun

Some times the simple ideas are the best



Minneapolis

I saw very little of Minneapolis while there. I can say the conference was pretty cool, and I learned a lot. Too much stuff going on during any hour, so I missed stuff that I couldn't split in two or three to visit.

There was snow on the ground when I arrived, but it all melted by the time I walked around a very little bit on Sunday. After that, I never really left the office.

Anyhow, I'm back. And I'm going to catch up on some sleep.

I Can Only Apologize for Chuck E. Cheese Post/ SITC

Sorry about the lengthy Chuck E. Cheese post. I'd started writing it a while back, and thought i would release a few bits every other day, but then I thought "No, just get it over with. You don't want to punish people for coming back to the site on a regular basis."

Sometimes posts just form, and you go with them.

Day 1 of the conference is good. I couldn't sleep last night until late, and that was on top of getting 4 hours of sleep Saturday/ Sunday... so I sort of paid for it today. I'm going to bed very early tonight and will try again tomorrow.

Last night my freak bout of insomnia led to me accidentally watching the entirety of the the "Sex and the City" movie. I believed I was tuning in to watch the ending, which was actually the beginning. And the next thing I knew, it was very late and the credits were rolling.

I guess I'm glad that if we're going to co-opt the romantic comedy formula for Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, et al., and their Bromance movies, that I'm comfortable in the knowledge that the SitC movie and show are squarely not aimed at me. Which makes some of my beefs with the movie irrelevant (such as the fact that men, both straight and otherwise, appear as little but plot points in the series or movie). Like a photonegative of the Apatow-esque dude comedies, the men of SitC are there to reinforce the notion that we all love these characters, even when you want to scream "run away!" at the screen. (Be free, Big! BE FREEEEEEEE!) I suppose this must be how many people feel at the prospect of, say, Seth Rogan writing himself a part where Katherine Heigl falls for anyone approximating Seth Rogan.

Curiously, my feeling during the run of SITC, that the characters are largely completely self-absorbed, awful people, was sort of addressed in the movie. I believe it was largely tackled in part as the closed narrative of the movie forced actual character development to occur instead of the cyclical nature of the TV show. The show hung on the characters' inability to really move on or progress as humans, which would end the show.

I didn't love it, but it was okay, and I couldn't sleep and it was on.

Just want to apologize for Chuck E. Cheese again.

I am tired already and am off to bed.

Me and Chuck E. Cheese

Edit: I am a bit horrified to find that Whitney Matheson of Pop Candy has re-redirected her readership here to The League (big fan of Pop Candy! Hi, Whitney!). Welcome one and all. I also apologize for the many, many grammatical and typographical errors. If I'd time, I'd clean it up, but alas.

Every year on my birthday, people ask where I want to go for dinner to celebrate. And every year, I say the same thing. I say that I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese.


Its partially a test. The truth is, I sort of figured out a long time ago that even if its your birthday, you sort of need to pick neutral territory that everyone will like. You cannot say "I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese", because nobody over the age of 9 really wants to find themselves at Chuck E. Cheese for any length of time. Which is why they sell beer (or they did). So its always a fun litmus test to see how batshit people (especially Jason) will go when you quietly insist that, yes, you DO want to go to Chuck E. Cheese. When pushed, I insist that I like pizza, videogames and a complementary animatronic floorshow. And offer up helpful bits like "I told you where I wanted to go, and if you don't want to go there, that's fine. Just take me wherever."



I have actually had two birthdays at Chuck E. Cheese. When I was in 5th grade, my parents finally caved and agreed to let me have my party at a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere in Austin (probably off Burnet). And I recall pretty distinctly all of my friends just sort of milling around, realizing we were too old for Chuck E. Cheese. Whether we were too big for the "rides", or weren't into the robots anymore, or whatever... I just remember an awful sinking feeling that I'd made a mistake.

They probably still do this, but they would announce the names of kids having birthdays and bring out these cakes with these goofy sparkling candles, and Chuck would come by and give you a present. And as all of this was going on, all I could think was "Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm too old for all of this..." And as I was about to open the present from Chuck, this girl in a visor who worked there sort of apologized to me in advance, letting me know "we only have presents for little kids..." as I opened up what was a dollar-store Fisher-Price knockoff toy car. Pretty clearly intended for a kid, ages 2-6.

You Want Money, You Better Earn It

At age 16, I was informed I was to find a job once school let out. There was a certain window of time when school let out when people would plan to hire kids for the summer. This was kind of understood by me and my high school pals but possibly less understood by my folks. That year we headed out of town shortly after school let out, and remained gone for a couple of weeks. When I returned, I hit the road every day for several hours filling out applications, but to no avail. I was told at every place I applied that I could fill out an application, but they weren't hiring. For reasons unknown to me to this day, my inability to find a job was met with skepticism by my parents, who seemed to believe all you had to do to land a job was walk in the door of whever you wanted to work, and they'd hire you.

I confess I had a couple of rules.

1) I wouldn't sack groceries. Houston summers can be brutal enough, and I wanted to not wear the goofy bow-tie, long pants and smock get-up Randall's employed. Apparently the Randall's corporation believed that such a get-up would fool their patrons into believing that they were shopping in some Mom and Pop corner store during the early days of the 20th Century rather than in a state of the art grocery with automated rainfall on the out-of-season produce and endless aisles of preservative-laced foods.

In short, I didn't want to sweat so badly in my job that I'd not get tips, which is how the sackers made their dough.

2) I was avoiding the food industry. Apparently The KareBear had some amazing experience working at the same restaurant as a waitress for years as she made her way through school. But everyone I talked to made it sound like a lot of late nights and uncomfortable situations with assistant managers. Also, I get grossed out by other people's partially eaten food.

I wasn't going to land some sweet gig that my parents set up for me (which was something to always be jealous of), and I was starting late, after every 16 year old in the greater Spring area was already out and looking.

Landing the Job

But... Chuck E. Cheese was hiring.

When I asked for an application, the manager pumped my hand and asked if I could come back the next day. He was in his 30's, 6'4", wore a tie, and seemed like a great guy. The next day he put me in a booth, we chatted lightly (I had no experience doing anything but reading comics, shooting free-throws and doing homework, so... not much to chat on), and I thought we hit it off great. I was in!

I'd be nowhere near the food. I'd be working the Game Floor, which I imagined would be a bit like playing casino host to a bunch of 5-10 year-olds, handing out tokens, occasionally polishing a game, and getting free food.

Jason begged me not to work at Chuck E. Cheese. Family Pal Larry Lee had worked at a Chuck's in Austin when he and Jason were in high school.

"You don't just play the videogames," Jason told me. "You're going to hate it."

I steamed. Chuck E. Cheese was supposed to be fun, by definition. I had a job, and he didn't, so was clearly jealous of my job-landing skills, which... when the manager saw me, he clearly saw the potential that I thought pretty much darn near everyone SHOULD see in me.

I started a week later to the semi-surprise of the two managers on duty, Angel and Jim. Angel was probably in her early 30's, but looked older. I had a foot on Jim, and a head of hair he lacked, which at age 16, made me estimate him at somewhere between 20 and 95. The manager who had hired me was no longer with the store. No explanation was given.

With a few others, I was led to the back to be given a uniform and some cursory instructions. Stuff like "food isn't free, but it is half-off. Plan to be here for a two or more hours after closing every night. More on Saturdays" It was true I would be on the gamefloor, which thrilled me. No clearing plates of other people's slobbered-upon pizza crusts. No touching cups with lipstick smears. I would sweep up, I would wipe down machines. And, curiously, despite an utter lack of experience with anything more than a crystal radio kit, I would repair machines and games. And, give out tokens to kids who claimed they'd "lost" a token.

But there was literally no training. The tasks we were to perform were mostly so idiot simple (go sweep up pizza crusts), that I guess spending time training wasn't really necessary. And, what I would soon learn about the staffing issues probably led the managers to believe it was a waste of time.


Some vintage Chuck horror

The Uniform

Not clear on the spirit of the law, but intent to maintain the letter, I listened carefully to the uniform instructions. I was to wear what they gave me. No exceptions. A red, collared shirt with my name-tag. A blue visor with the logo. And a pair of khaki pants that was pretty clearly too small for me.

Someone asked if we could substitute our own clothing.

The answer was a definitive "no".

I have no recollection of my first day, other than squeezing into the pants I'd been assigned and worrying a great deal about whether I would burst, Hulk-like, from the pants should I squat down, and exactly how much of my wedding tackle would be on display at each shift, because... golly those pants were tight.

Plus, the visor pushed my hair up into a weird sort of explosion, jutting out the top of the elastic band.

I hopped into my disintegrating '83 Honda and headed off for work.

I was relieved to find we wore these little blue smocks that covered the area of primary concern, but did nothing to disguise the action going on in the aft.

The Way it Works

The most important thing to know is how totally gross a place full of children eating greasy pizza really is. Especially kids full of sugar who believe all bets are off because the ranting, robotic mouse keeps telling them they can "be a kid". Which, apparently, means pushing, shoving, kicking people in mascot costumes in the crotch and ass, and occasionally vomiting for no particular reason.

If I had a triumph in the summer of 1991, it was that I drew a line in the land which stated that I would clean neither the stalls, nor the vomit from the floor. That job, I bargained and bartered my way out of it. And you knew you were in dutch with the managers if you had to clean the bathrooms, but at our store, that usually fell to the "show floor" staff, who were perceived to have it somehow easier than the game floor staff during the usual hours.

But kids sort of leak fluids. Never, ever, ever allow your child to play in the ball crawl. No matter what they tell you, you can't actually clean one of those things. Just vacuuming the thing thoroughly, which was done a few times each week with a shop-vac, took the entire evening cleaning shift from 10 - 12:00 or 12:30. There was a semi-annual schedule for actually cleaning the ball crawl, and reportedly they found all kinds of stuff in there.

Walk into any Chuck E. Cheese, and you'll see some schlub constantly wiping things down. That's because greasy little kids are putting their greasy little hands on everything, always. Leaving handprints. The definition of sisyphian task was trying to keep the glass doors to the place hand-print free on a Saturday. Which the managers would do if they were displeased with you for some slight. Or, if they were really irritated, you could be condemned to rub the rubber floor edgings with lemon oil.

My Fellow Staffers

The turn-over was incredible. The entire crew I started with was gone within three or four weeks. Having a new person wander out to join you on shift occurred with such regularity, I mostly identified people by their physical traits instead of names. Guy Who Talks About Being Drunk All the Time. Girl With Too-Huge Boobs. Old Person. Too Much Make-Up Girl. That Guy Who Wears Shorts Even Though Its Not Regulation, But Nobody Says Anything. We were also not really supposed to talk to each other, anyway. Perhaps they feared Chuck himself would lead a Norma Rae-line uprising.

I didn't work many mornings, which was when you wanted to work. Customers tend not to hit the Chuck until later afternoon on weekdays, so the place is oddly sedate for the first few hours, especially before opening. And there were these two women who were in their late-40's, I'd guess, who had been there in a minimum wage position for over a decade. We were going through staff like people go through grapes, and these two had been there and seen it all. They were entrusted with the amazing "token counting machine", which had to be run every morning so they'd know how many tokens were in the store. I remember asking why they didn't become managers if they were there so long, and the conversation became suddenly very awkward until one of them assured me that they didn't want all the trouble of being a manager.

And from what little I knew of Jim and Angel, I didn't blame them. Angel seemed only like she constantly wished to be anywhere but there, but was at least kind of useful. Jim just dreamed up stuff for you to do, like polishing the baseboards. He just seemed particularly frustrated, and refused to crack a smile, even when I slipped and fell in the kitchen and the first words out of my mouth were "there's a lawsuit in there somewhere!" I spent that next Saturday cleaning windows.

Career Advancement

Sure enough, I learned how to fix the ski-ball machines through a sure-fire method of trial and error that would make any psychology lab proud. (If you perform this action, you will receive an electric shock... if you perform that action, the game will come back alive, and you get to play a few rounds to test the machine).

I cleared out hobos. Once ate a handful of the pink powder they use to make cotton candy, right out of the box (do not recommend). Gave away handfuls of tokens to kids who lied about losing them. But never dressed in the mascot suit, for which my carriage was too large.

I did almost wear it once on a slow day, but a party of several dozen showed up, unaware you were supposed to schedule a birthday party in advance. Thus, my one chance for wearing the suit (and going to Fiesta to drum up business, which is what I told the manager I was going to do), was foiled.

Losing Faith in Humanity

I don't know if any particular incident occurred during my summer at The Chuck, but I do recall coming home every night increasingly despondent over what I saw as some less-than-stellar parenting. Drunk parents. Parents who yelled. Parents who felt that Chuck E. Cheese was some sort of "time out" for them, and that whatever happened on behalf of their destructive little monsters within the confines of our store was our problem. Kids whose parents tried to use the Chuck as a daycare.

And I'll never forget the dad who walked up to the ball-crawl while I was on duty and just heaved his infant into the balls. I didn't actually see the action occur so much as looked over and saw the top of an infant's head disappearing beneath the balls, which were about 6-12 inches higher than the actual balls. Plus: Infant with no motor skills and 10 year olds doing flips off the sides into the pit is just a bad combo.

"Sir," I said, yanking the baby out of the balls. "Is this your child?"
A guy I know didn't look like Jeff Foxworthy, but that's how my brain recalls him, sort of stared at me through the netting.
"Sir, I don't think this is a good idea."
I now know that the look of incomprehension probably came from a pack of Coors Light which had probably been consumed pre-Chuck, but I watched as he tried to sort out what I was saying.
"The ball pit is actually pretty deep. I don't think its good for your child."
"She likes it!" he insisted.
The child was actually somewhat emotionless, which was impressive, given the fate which could have greeted her at the bottom of the ball pit.
"Aren't ya'll supposed to watch these kids?"
"Well, yeah. But this isn't really safe."
"You don't think...?" He said, resigned to the fact that he was going to have to return to the table with his child instead of just heading to the counter for a pitcher of the lousiest beer in Spring.
"She may be a little small for the ball crawl," I explained. "She can't stand up in here."
"I think she'd have fun," he was still looking for an angle.
"I don't think so......"
He reluctantly took the child back. And I flashed forward to a lifetime of similar decisions this child was going to endure at the hands of her idiot father. I imagined sitting on the handlebars of an ATV couldn't be too far off in her future.

The Floor Show @#$%ing Sucks

I'd been working at Chuck E. Cheese all of a week when I was having dinner at my friend Mari's house and her brother asked, "So, are you in the band?"

I didn't have super-fabulous memories of the Rock-a-Fire explosion from Showbiz Pizza, or the mishmash of other characters that had populated Chuck E. Cheese when I was little. But I do remember that they played familiar radio tunes. And by played, I mean awkwardly jerked around in something always approximating the beat, but not actually on beat, with the patented delirious eye-rolls and herky-jerky laughing, lifted straight from the on-cue guffaws one saw on TV variety shows of the era.

At some point between when I'd last stepped into a Chuck E. Cheese, and had been weirded out that Mitzy Mozzarella was receiving a spotlight solo for lip-synching the Bangles' "Eternal Flame", and when I started work, someone in the Chuck E. Cheese corporation figured out they could save money by penning original, family friendly tunes. About stuff like "Summer Fun".

And so, every 55 minutes or so, I was reminded of the summer fun kids were supposed to be having while I was pushing a dust pan around and sweeping up stray pizza crusts, waxing the floorboards and telling little scam artists that I would not give them a handful of either tokens or tickets at no charge. Not even if they volunteered to be my friend (which happened more often than you'd think).

The band was sort of a weird deal, in that they had the different pre-programmed sets, and I don't really remember them every breaking. They just never seemed to be programmed all that well to begin with. And when they were taking a break or whatever was supposed to be happening behind the scenes, they still bombarded the place with music and video of the band. So, really, from the minute you walked in until the minute we closed the door behind Tipsy McStaggerson and Family, you had to hear the same loop of half-assed, crappily penned and performed tunes about important topics like fun, friendship and hygiene.


This is sort of the set up we had.

Our store may have been a former Showbiz, from before the merger, as the layout was a multi-stage affair, and different from a lot of what I see on YouTube. They'd reskinned the Rock-afire explosion during the conversion, or something. I don't know. I never thought to care enough to ask.

The show emulated a bygone era of a band, an MC and a comedy act, which the kids, short on their fandom of "Our Show of Shows" may not have been picking up on the origins of the borscht-belt humor and stylings. But, hey, talking rat and his horrible, Italian stereotype, Pasquale and whatever the hell else made up the band (such as purple horror, Munch), always hit their cues and were far less trouble than the average Chuck E. Cheese employee.

I honestly think the kids kind of hated the band.


One Armed Bandits and Free Videogames

My friend Dave (not his real name) took a job at The Chuck shortly after me, apparently intrigued by the possibility of wearing the mouse suit or something. He somehow ended up behind the counter, which is where veterans usually worked (you know, people with 6 months of experience).

I noted that he would often be on the floor playing games during my shift. Often at multiple times, with the smock removed and his visor off, indicating he was "off duty". His girlfriend was often hanging out next to him, despite the fact she didn't work there.

"How did you swing two breaks today?" I asked him as I passed the Whack-a-Mole machine one day (I'd gotten amazingly good at Whack-a-Mole, which needed constant fixing). He looked at me like the sucker I was, and continued playing.

"Dude," he explained. "They never pay attention. I just take breaks whenever I feel like it."
"But don't they notice all the breaks on your time card?"
This was met with a sigh. "I don't ever actually clock out."
"Oh."
"Yeah, you're the only person who doesn't do it. Haven't you ever noticed that?"
"No," I answered honestly.
"You need to start."
I never did.
Like everyone else, he was also using the stash of tokens to play the games for free. And while he wasn't exactly robbing the place blind (really, there was little to steal in a commerce system that worked on Chuck E Currency), he had figured out how to game the system in about two weeks. I never did.

Dave had been born with one-arm, which hadn't slowed him down at all. He played sports, including lacrosse, which he was much better at than me, what with my two hands.

It was never an issue for anyone until he was assigned to wear the mouse suit and the kids noticed Chuck had an arm that didn't look quite right. The rules were pretty simple for wearing the suit, which I didn't do, as I was too tall. Put on the suit, walk around (but not when Chuck is on stage), shake hands, wave "hello" to babies, and when kids start to attack, which they always will... retreat. And never talk when you're in the suit.

And so it was that some kid spied Chuck's arm just sort of hanging there and called him out.
"Hey, you're not Chuck E. Cheese! You're the guy from behind the counter."
Dave waved a "no" motion with his one hand.
"Yeah, you are!"
"Yeah, you are!" a chorus of suddenly ugly little children chimed in.
"Shut up, kid!" the mouse said in a muffled voice, his plastic mouth never moving.
"Yeah, you are! You're that guy from the counter!"
And, of course, the kicking and hitting began as Chuck uttered some profanities and retreated to the stage door.

Here's a training video someone put together, probably in response to how uninspiring it is to get in the suit and beaten for $4.25 an hour.



Also, you can see the basic uniform I wore at the time. Also, why is there jazzy 80's keyboard music through this whole thing?

All Good Things Must End

In my final weeks, I remember feeling daring and going into work in non-regulation pants. After weeks of seemingly smuggling grapes into Chuck E. Cheese, not one person noticed or said anything about my pair of non-reg khakis that allowed for greater freedom of movement, shall we say.

I wound up scheduled in the ball-crawl a lot. Which I hated, but I kind of hated it less than other jobs, because usually you were scheduled alone in the ball-crawl, which meant it was less likely you'd get stuck with Only talks About How Much he Drinks Guy, and spend six hours hearing about how very much liquor he'd drunk out of his parent's cabinets the night before.

Until one day I crawled into the ballcrawl and someone came in right after me. We chatted for a while, agreed it was weird we were both scheduled in there, and then I went back out to check the schedule. I was nowhere to be found on the chart.

"What the hey?" I asked Angel.

Apparently after I'd checked the schedule on Sunday (when it was supposed to be final), she had changed it, and I was supposed to show up and work Monday instead of Tuesday. When i didn't show Monday, she'd assumed that, like everyone else, I'd quit and rescheduled my shifts to others for the entire week and closed me out as an employee. This was just how most people quit. You just quit showing up, and if you didn't show, they weren't going to pick up a phone and call you or anything crazy like that. My absence was taken the same as every other of the hundred or so similar disappointments they would see breeze through that year.

"We've made the schedule for the next week, already. You aren't on it. Maybe the next week?"

"Honestly," I sighed. "I was quitting then. I start school and have after-school obligations."
"Well," Angel and Jim (who'd shown up) assured me, I would have a place at Chuck E. Cheese any time if I wanted to come back.

I considered it that fall when the play I was in ended, but another play came immediately after, and so on. Alas, I never returned to The Chuck to work.

Return to the Chuck

I went back in high school after quitting to take some students from my mother's class out for a "special day". The food was terrible, I used up my non-free-tokens in about five minutes and so retreated to a booth and watched the show.

A few of my classmates were there working, and I saw nobody who had worked there with me. I felt badly for all of them. Especially when Michael P. was yelling at me through the Munch mascot costume so I'd know it was him in there.

They've changed Chuck's look. He no longer dresses like a ringleader, pimp or showman, all in red sparkles and a fancy hat. Instead, he's now a sort of mid-90's idea of corporatified "cool for kids", with a sort of sporty look, as if he might go roller blading or something else edgy or "in your face". I dunno. Miss the old Chuck. I sort of think of him as this old, outmoded entertainer, and I've always thought of him that way. No need for kneepads and a skateboard.

And then sometime in 2002, just before I moved, my co-workers packed into cars and took me to Chuck E. Cheese for lunch on my birthday. The pizza was better than I remembered, and the show just as creepy and bad.

We hung out way too long, and got back to work an hour late, thanks to playing video games. And I tore a four inch hole in the leg of my jeans jumping onto a jet-ski video game, ninja style.

I confess I don't know if I entirely feel good or healthy in regards to Chuck E. Cheese. Or about trying to drag friends and family into my annual desire for self-immolation by way of animatronic floorshow. But it is what it is.

There have been rumors we may be returning to Chuck E. Cheese pizza in the coming week in celebration of my birthday. I let my annual threat slip, and I think people are taking me up on it.

More reports as events warrant.