Oh, for the love of Mike.

Insert your own nightmare scenario here. ------>

Once again I missed the annual Superman Festival in Metropolis, Illinois. One day I will attend, one day when Jamie has no idea what I'm up to, I will go. Anyway, here are some photos of this celebration which I did not get to go to. I'm not bitter. It's not like Noel Neill was there or anything... And how cool is this? Harrah's designed their local casino to look like The Hall of Justice...

RHPT has joined in the swirling ranks disgusted with my attack of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. It's now time I reconsider the issue, so this weekend I plan to hole up in my subterranean bunker in classic Cheney style, get a tub of Frito's bean dip, some blue corn chips, and a 6 pack of red soda and watch DTMTBD. And I will enjoy it, dammit.

RHPT would have you believe that I claimed DTMTBD is the worst movie ever. Not so. I simply stated that in years to come, when we're standing around in rags, hoping our Ape Masters are not listening to us speak whistfully of the past... thru bleary, mud encrusted eyes we will look back and try to figure out where it all went wrong... and we will know it was with the release of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. or when it ran on HBO all summer. I'm not sure which release window is really responsible.

I have to join Dedman in defending our useless film degrees from UT Austin. I also have a useless degree in history, but defending that would just be shameful. I have a degree in film from UT RTF, and therefore, I simply must have better taste in movie than all of you useless mongrels who flock to the theaters to stuff your gullets with "popping corn" and "Diet Coca-Cola" and gleefully squirm your way thru the latest Renee Zellwegger claptrap. Clearly, you must rely upon ME to tell you what is a good movie and what is not. Best movie ever? Godzilla 2000.

Look, it's pretty clear Randy is going thru some difficult times with the house and eyebrows thing, and he needs to work off some steam. If he really, really needs to believe DTMTBD is a great movie, vaya con dios.

One of the great things about being a manager is that people have to listen to you. Even when you're not discussing work. And when I'm not discussing work, I have very little else to talk about aside from Melbotis, comics and pornography. I can't talk about porn all that often at work, and Melbotis doesn't do much to speak of, so I often find convoluted ways to drag the conversation kicking and screaming back to comics.

It strikes me that trivia I obtained in my youth about staples of the superhero comic book medium is not common knowledge. For example, during a discussion about earthquakes I abused my authority and used the opening to leap into an explanation of the ending of Superman I. I was also able to sneak in the counter-revolution/ time-travel sequence as well. (yesterday i made an attempt at explaining Crisis on Infinite Earths, but after 20 years, I'm not sure I understand Crisis, so it didn't go so well...)



At any rate... I have come to realize that most people recognize Spider-Man, Batman, the Hulk, Superman and Wonder Woman, but most people don't really know much about them. Which is okay. But the other day one of my co-workers said about the Hulk movie, "and did you see him throwing around a tank?! Whatever..." Indicating that essentially many, many people think of the Hulk as a green pro-wrestler. While this is an interesting idea, too, I assure you, the Hulk throws tanks very, very far.

It's not necessary going into The Hulk or Superman to understand that the Hulk can lift and throw tanks, or is so light but so strong, he can propel himself for miles at a time with a single leap. It's not necessary to know this, but I imagine it helps. Hopefully the story of the Hulk movie will explain all of this, but I know that there will still be a large portion of the public who will see the trailers and still say "did you see him throw a tank? whatever..." This may be the same population which sees trailers for Alex & Emma and wonders if they ever find love with one another... but that is not for me to judge.

I hope this movie is okay. I also hope Marvel stops making movies now before we all get stuck with a Dr. Strange movie we're all going to regret.

John Mellencamp came to pop music prominence in the early 80's with the release of Uh-huh (1983) and American Fool (1982). Hits included Authority Song and Pink Houses and Jack and Diane.

My brother has never been much of one for birthdays, and so in 1986, I opened a solitary present from Jason on what had to be my 11th birthday. 1985's hit Scarecrow. Another birthday meant another John Mellencamp album. To the best of my recollection it was either American Fool or a greatest hits collection. 1988 brought me The Lonesome Jubilee.

That was pretty much it, as far as I can remember. That was the end of the John Mellencamp birthday era, when every year I would open a single present, and every year, it would be yet another John Mellencamp record. The peculiar thing is that I don't really like John Mellencamp, and neither does he. I don't dislike Mellencamp, and like a sport, I gave the tapes a whirl, but Mellencamp is not so much my style.

Jason's birthday apathy is well documented in the Steans Family oral history, and, in fact, from 1991 to 1996, it's safe to say nobody actually received a birthday present from him.

One dark day in the mid 90's I asked him "why Mellencamp?"

He didn't remember.

"You DON'T like Mellencamp?"

"No. He's fine, I guess."

"You had Mellencamp records."

"You gave those to me."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"I'll be damned. So you don't like John Mellencamp?"

"He's fine, but I never was really a big fan."

And he had a good long laugh at my expense.

As he emerged from Law School, birthday presents reappeared, and eventually, they even showed some knowledge of other's preferences.

Yesterday I opened a final and belated (by 2 months) birthday present from Jason. Thanks, man.

Jim D. has gone on the defensive. After yesterday's well-deserved pot shot at the modern movie business, Jim is now trying to fill your cottony brains with the notion that Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead is not as bad as it first appears. Clearly, Jim is a sick, sick man. I have posted my response and comments on his site and see no reason for you lazy bastards not to click over and read Jim's site today.

I had a telephone conference with Intel people in Malaysia, Singapore and God-knows where else at 7:20 this morning. I hate phone conferences. It's like delivering a presentation to a rock that occasionally asks a question.

Melbotis Update

Two weeks ago when we took Mel in for a shave and a haircut (two bits!), we then detoured him thru the PetsMart to select a new toy. Last night, in an act of animal aggression and over-sized puppy hyper-activity, Mel completely tore apart his toy frog. Hopefully I can get photos up soon. That's what $6.98 and a little teasing will get you. Now I have to find him a new toy with far, far fewer seams.

We are looking at adopting another dog in July. I hope he realizes this behavior is only accpetable with fluffy frog toys.

I feel inclined to blog, but nothing of significance has occured within the past 48 hours. But other folks have blogged, and blogged well. I would point you to the blog of Crazy Jim D. He's blogged an enormous amount recently. He blogged recently about cameras on campus at the Univ. of Texas.

Well, Jim, once again you've inspired me. I've declared my shower a public place (as is my constitutionally guaranteed right, I am sure), installed a camera, and will soon be posting images of myself in the raw on this site. You may mistake me for a bald panda, but I assure you, that's me.

The site's name will be changing to www.hotchubbyboy.com. I will also be charging a $20 monthly membership fee to the site. Looking forward to all of you joining!

Also, Jim rants about how bad movies have become. But, my friends, I have seen the movie so vapid, so insidiously awful, that it may actually been the point at which the Shining Light of American Culture finally Jumped the Shark. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

I like bad movies. I have Big Trouble in Little China on DVD. But this movie surpasses funny bad and heads straight for depressing. If this is what American culture has to offer, I will spend my days grovelling in the streets of Myanmar.

The 80's brought us a common theme to comedy: a complete lack of motivation for any character to act in any sane way in order to advance the nauseatingly convoluted plot. This isn't just limited to Michael J. Fox movies and anything with Kirk Cameron in it. Usually, at least those guys were chasing some tail. No, these movies had characters acting in ways which make my 2nd grade Christmas pageant look like a Tony winner. THis movie makes so little sense, has characters acting with such little regard with care to themselves or others, that each twist and turn drives the viewer inches closer to the abyss. Truly, truly, truly, this may be the single dumbest piece of shit ever devised. I advise you to see it for yourself before we throw stones at American Pie.

GO SPURS!!!

I'm a little sad the Admiral is going, but bon voyage to you, sir! The NBA will be a poorer place for your retirement.

I also watched a good chunk of Bare-Assed Fine Arts Majors, this evening. It was an intriguing show, especially the sections which included Alec Baldwin introducing different branches on the cladiogram. If ANYONE is clearly a leading authority on human evolution, it must be a Baldwin. One may trace humanity from slithering gastropod to homo-Sapien just by looking at the Baldwin brothers.

This weekend I bagged and boarded comics, put them in their proper boxes and once again noted "I own many, many comics. Perhaps too many?" Really, I have a run of Uncanny X-Men from 168-312, and I'm never going to read it again. This is at least a recognizable title I am proud to have in my collection, but I also have crates of early DC-Vertigo titles, single issues of Avengers and tons of black and whites from whenever my inability to collect indie titles weighs upon my soul.

But here's the deal... the archivist in me (which is an ever exapnding portion of my being) wants more. I want them all. Given a million dollars and no parental supervision, I would build a Fortress of Solitude which would allow me to house an infinite number of comics at below room temperature, in low humidity, and still allow me access to the Lois Lane pimp bed from Superman 2.

Here is my review of last week's Adventures of Superman by Joe Casey: It was crappy. If you're looking to read Superman, do not start here. For the love of God, do not start here.

We spent all weekend looking for a coffee table. Our living room has no coffeetable to speak of, and so our coffee is forced to float suspended in mid-air. This was the 3rd or 4th weekend we'd spent looking, and I am happy to say that at the last store we looked, at the 11th hour, Jamie finally found a coffee table which she believes will fill the nagging void in our non-existsent feng-shui. Like everything in our lives, the table is dual purpose. Our kitchen is our family room (all too true), our living room is our dining room, and our bedroom is our bathroom. Our architect was a madman. At any rate, the table is also an enormous clock. In 6 weeks (or sooner! they tell us) the table/ clock wil descend into our lives and be an uncomfortable novelty piece which will pursue us until the end of time. (oh, hey.. a pun!)

Anyway, sorry I've been away. It's been a busy week. Next week looks just as grim. Hopefully I will post more.

Normally I don't post something like this, because it's kind of the equivalent of sending out a spam. But this is pretty funny.

Man, this week has been very busy at work. I have a non-descript academic staff job at a semi-major University here in Arizona. But like many American Universities, we are trying to now make a buck by selling classes online. We're trying to sell degree programs to tech firms like Intel, Motorola... places like that. (I just typed "like" as "liek" five times in a row...) Anyway, everyday this week we're meeting with someone, and I have to do my little sales pitch. It's so goofy, I don't even really want to get into it. But, it's been keeping me busy, busy. But mostly I end up sitting there drinking coffee and saying words like "online delivery" and "anytime, anywhere". Occasionally I get to say, "we can do that." And that's kind of the extent of my end of the conversation.

But today, as I meet with Intel folks, I will be thinking about this:

Source The Hollywood Reporter:

The Transformers -- the ever-morphing Hasbro toy line introduced in the mid-1980s that has gone on to spawn comic books, multiple television series and an animated feature -- are being prepped to change shape again, this time into stars of the big screen. Angry Films topper Don Murphy (whose next film is 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen') and writer-producer Tom DeSanto ('X-Men' and 'X2: X-Men United') have teamed to produce a feature-length, live-action movie based on the popular brand. The duo are expected to shop the project to studios shortly, and DeSanto said they have already received interest from a handful of directors hoping to get involved in the project. DeSanto is currently working on a story treatment for the project before he and Murphy hire a screenwriter to adapt it for the big screen.

We'll blow it up! God damn us all to hell!



But, with any luck, it will all resolve with some sweet monkey-lovin'!

Already my week is off to a questionable start... NBC has announced "V" will be returning to network TV. Will they re-employ Robert Englund?

someone has finally delivered upon the promise of pro-wrestling after all of these years... http://kaiju.com/

The PigDog lurks...



Well, Mel got his bath and summer clipping. He looks a bit like a PigDog now. Unfortunately you can't see how skinny the tail is when trimmed. It looks like an afterthought. He's very tired. I think the 4 hours at the groomers took a lot out of the guy. He should be able to cope with this lovely Arizona weather a lot better now.

I fully support NASA, but how much more crap are we going to keep lobbing at Mars until something doesn't crash and burn? We're treating that planet like a target at the City Carnival.

Rick Perry must be afraid other dudes peek at his pee-pee when he goes to the bathroom.

I don't really get homophobia. It's a bizarre paranoia. Why someone would want to legislate who you may or may not want to have sex with isn't just stupid, it's fucking hilarious. I mean, can you REALLY imagine getting so bunged up that two people are kissing or having sex or what-have-you, that you spend the time to write up a law stopping it? Or ask people to allow tax dollars to be spent prosecuting for the act? How sad and pathetic do you have to be?

I always go with the theory that all of these laws are paranoia stemming from the same source: straight folks are afraid of the moment of awkwardness if they were ever hit on by a gay person. In order to avoid having to turn someone down or have to spend a few awkward moments explaining why they don't find someone else attractive, they would rather toil in our legislature putting restrictions on the lives of others that they would never accept for themselves.

There's nothing about being gay that hurts anybody else (disappointed wannabe-grandmothers excepted), so why do we bother with laws about this? Surely, surely, surely there are better ways our legislators and governors could be spending their time than trying to discredit the love between two people. If this law were passed forcing interracial marriages to be discredited in Texas, it most certainly could never stand.

In this era where every jack-ass who owns a bumper has adorned it with a sticker declaring they're Proud to be an American, folks might want to consider what freedoms they are completely willing to take away from others, those who might be their neighbors, friends, co-workers, siblings or parents.

****update*****

Ashcroft fears for his wee-wee's sake as well! But he's fucking crazy, so we knew that.

Back in 1999, Simpsons alum Brad Bird directed the phenomenal Iron Giant over at Warner Bros. I'm not sure how or why the best animated movie of the past several years has gotten pushed to the wayside in favor of films like Rugrats in Paris, but it happened. Iron Giant was and is a terrific movie, and I suggest you rent it (and NOT just for the many Superman references).

Pixar knows something good when it sees it (and surely recognized Bird managed to make a movie at the very LEAST equal to the Toy Story movies) and had to have known that Bird posed a Clear and Present Danger should Warner Bros. get their act together. But this is America, and so rather than pull a Dr. Doom and have him killed, Pixar pulled a Lex Luthor and simply bought him off. Which is good. Bird now stands to have a chance at getting real backing not just during production, but as part of marketing. Good for him.

This is the trailer for Bird's Pixar debut, a movie about a Superhero family known as THE INCREDIBLES. View the trailer here.

Jim suggested I blog upon this astounding item which appeared on ebay. I'm going to keep this short, as I really do encourage you to read the description to see for yourself what the seller is up to. Anyway, if ghosts and goblins, do, in fact exist, is it better to send them UPS or Postal Service?

Heroes and Villains

I watched the AFI thing the other day, and, According to Jim, somebody suggested that I, your humble blogger, write about it. Well, it was really long and kind of boring. I was deeply impressed that the AFI selected Atticus Finch as the best/ most important hero of the past 100 years of cinema.

But is Hannibal Lecter the greatest villain? Maybe the best played in many minds, but I find it curious that we're able to point to a hero who is able to stand up for justice against insurmountable odds and at the potential cost of alienating not just him, but his whole family, and then select a villain who is pretty much the boogie man. True enough, there are vicious predatory killers in our midst, but if we're selecting a hero based upon a moral fiber we'd like to find within ourselves, are we really afraid of finding a cannibalistic englishman dwelling in our psyche? (btw, I find Brian Cox's portrayal of Lecter at least as spooky as Hopkins). I suppose Lecter was chosen because he is, clearly, no longer "human", but a monster. He's something tangible and, ultimately, defeatable.

The threat Atticus faces is not Bob Ewell. It's a jury and a system which he knows he can't beat, but it's worth trying. It's interesting we can't point to ourselves in that jury box as villains, but I guess that's always kind of difficult.

The shack'a'lackin' shiztnizzle

Toys that should not be:

Chtulu hand puppet.

We live in a nation of diverse ideals and ideas. Each man, woman and child is allowed to follow their own creed, their own beliefs and is granted freedom to pursue their own happiness. In order to protect these freedoms, our nation is served by a line of men and women whom have dedicated their lives to the defense of our nation.

But do we show these men and women the proper respect? It's one thing to wave a flag, or buy a flag sticker for the back of your car, but what are you really doing aside from lining the pockets of the Chinese subsidiary which made that plastic flag? Really, look at yourself and ask, "what have I done to show my appreciation?" Well, you may suck, but the folks at the Moonlight BunnyRanch of Nevada are stepping up to the plate to show they can be as patriotic in their own way as our returning troops.

Yesterday I went and grabbed PF Chang's for lunch (not that exciting, kids... my office is literally above PF Chang's here in Tempe). My fortune cookie said: You stand in your own light. Make it shine.

I brought the little slip back to my office where I attempted to decipher the deeper meaning. Co-worker Tom suggested it has foretold of an impending and fantastic baldness on my part.

But, if it were true, we'd all be millionaires playing the lotto numbers which come in our cookies.

The FCC decided yesterday to allow media conglomerates to somehow become larger. I'm not really sure how a company like AOL/ Time-Warner can get any larger than it already is, but apparently it's true.