Saturday, July 30, 2005

GOD HATES BOY SCOUTS

Soooo... The week began with four Scout leaders at the Boyscout Jamboree getting electrocuted sticking a tent pole into a power line. Article.

Later in the week, El Presidente was running late due to weather issues and hundreds of Boy Scouts were taken down by oppressive heat at the Jamboree. Article.

And then today a Scout Leader was killed by a lightning bolt. Article.

Indeed, Scouts are not having The Best Week Ever. That, and if you're not quite a Cub Scout and not quite a Boy Scout, you're called a Webelo. And that's just awful.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Speaking of comics...

The Onion A.V. section has two interviews this week with comic writers The League is fairly familiar with.

The first interview is with Brian K. Vaughn. I'm reading the collections of Y: The Last Man and Ex Machina, and highly, highly recommend both series. Vaughn is a uniquely thoughtful writer, looking at big picture/ fantastic ideas and then making them believable and human.

If you don't normally pick up comics and you aren't too keen on superheroes, I'd probably have no trouble putting Y: The Last Man in your hands. In fact, I am going to break the fourth wall here and directly suggest that Maxwell might really enjoy this book.

Steanso or Jim D. seem like Ex Machina type-of-guys.

Interview #2 is with Geoff Johns, a minor diety in the DCU proper.

I first really noticed Johns on either JSA or Flash. I can't remember which. But I've been reading his comics for about 3 - 4 years. I actually remember sitting in the Austin airport waiting for Jamie to come back from her interview in AZ while reading "Flash: Blood Will Run" and thinking "Yeah, I DO like this Johns guy."

Johns also got me reading Hawkman, something I was sure would simply never happen, delivered with a new Teen Titans series in a way the more recent DC teen books hadn't come close to touching. He's now working on Infinite Crisis with Phil Jimenez, which is the big comics event this year. (I also have to mention, I really, really dig Jimenez's work. Sure, it's a lot like Perez, but his Wonder Woman comics were just astounding to look at. And, Jimenez got me reading WW, which is something I never thought I'd do.)

Anyway, check out the interviews. Good stuff, even if Johns' interview sort of necessitates some prior knowledge.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

So, everybody wish Steanso the best of luck.

I am sorry to say that due to several factors having nothing to do with his own performance, Friday is Steanso's final day at his current law firm. He's exiting stage left, and I hope that when he goes, he's going to leave them aghast and filled with horror. Sadly, I suspect that he will not rise to the occasion and will probably be civil about the whole deal.

Dammit.

I haven't been writing as much as I'd like. I feel like I need to write something comicbook related as it's been a while.

The only thing I can work up the energy for at the moment is Countdown to Infinite Crisis. Especially the OMAC Project and the tie-in issues of Superman and Wonder Woman. I don't want to say much, but I highly recommend the OMAC series and the JUly issues of all three Superman comics and Wonder Woman. The storyline is called "Sacrifice". Check it out. Should have significant ramifications in the DCU world for quite some time.

Also, I've been diving into longboxes at comic shops lately and looking for back-issues of Superman. It's been fun. The comics are just written from an entirely different era, and era in which the events of Sacrifice would never even be imaginable. But there's still value in these older stories. There's a lot of imagination in these comics and a real focus on fun and directly entertaining an all-ages audience. For me, the Superman comics from this era have a terrific charm.

Looking at the dates on the comics is a bit mind-boggling as you can really see DC comics stayed locked in the same groove right up to Crisis on Infinite Earths that it had built in the 1960's. While Clark was worrying about whether he should marry Lois or Lana for the 200th time, Frank Miller was introducing Elektra and cooking up Dark Knight Returns.

In other topics, I've been watching a lot of NASA Channel. The launch of the Discovery has been fantastic television, including the docking with the ISS and the somersault Eileen pulled off today.

And, lastly, I never got in my $0.02 on Lance's 7th victory at the Tour de France.

Well, it's all been said now, but that makes the achievement no less astounding. Like everyone else, I never paid any attention to cycling until Lance started winning tours, and I certainly never cared about drafting or time trials or any of the rest of it. We've now got our Babe Ruth of cycling. Or maybe Mohammad Ali. I dunno.

Looking forward to seeing what the ma does with the rest of us his life as he's only a year older than Steanso.

Congrats, Lance.

Oh, and I watched my first Phoenix Mercury game. That's WNBA, kids. Apparently we sucked until recently. Then our players came in from Europe, and we're much better now. At one point we were up on the LA Sparks by 30 points.

I am now a huge fan of European players Vodichkova and Stepanova. Vodichkova scored 24 points before taking the bench with 6 minutes or so left in the game.

I'm tired.

Best of luck, Steanso.

There's always work at the post office. Go get a haircut.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

HIGH-FIVING WHITE GUY SENT TO CHARLOTTE

Jamie... I am sorry to report that High-Fiving White Guy has been traded.

Suns trade Voshkul to Charlotte

The key to the Suns' success this season was not the outstanding play of MVP Steve Nash or the astounding ability of Marion or Stoudemire. No, the glue that held the team together was the same mysterious force who ensured that the Suns bench would never defy gravity and fly off into the troposphere.

All season long Voshkul kept Bo Outlaw company in the furthest reaches of Benchland, firmly planted upon the pine a few minutes walk from Mike D'Antoni. When Stoudemire or Nash came in from play, especially at a time-out, Voshkul would rise and high-five them. He also performed high-fiving duties when Quentin Richardson or Shaun "The Matrix" Marion would hit a three-pointer. These high-fives were usually with Bo Outlaw.

I wish High-Fiving White Guy a tremendous future in Charlotte. He is sure to bring a lot of spirit to a rather languid bench and will, no doubt, team his own mass with the native gravity of Earth to marry the bench to the floor for another season.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005



Perhaps only funny to those of us who own a cat.
The Shuttle returns to orbit.
All-Star Batman and Robin Review

Hey, here's another review of All-Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder from in the imcomparable Return to Comics.

Monday, July 25, 2005

The League Journeys to BMT
a full report

As Jamie and I drove away from the airport today, heading home from our fabulous weekend, Jamie turned to me and said, "You really can't write anything funny about the weekend. Jim will hang himself."

True enough, I suppose. But the weekend was terribly fun, even if my personal amusement was at the expense and discomfort of others. Why? It's always about The League, here at The League.

This fine weekend, The League dumped off the pets at the PetsMart PetsHotel, jumped a plane and took a small journey to Spring, TX. We then popped over to Beaumont for the first ever Assemblage of Loyal Leaguers.

We arrived in Houston on Thursday, just in time for dinner. Had dinner with The League's parental units in their palatial suburban abode, hung out and rapped for a bit, and then toddled off to bed.

Friday was a day of slack. The League crawled out of bed, lurched downstairs and came face to face with young Kelsey B., my folk's two-year-old next door neighbor. Kelsey is about 22" of pure dynamo, and we're all expecting big things out of her.

Dad and I sort of puttered and drank coffee, tried to do a headcount of who the hell all was coming to dinner my mother had planned, and then Jamie and I took to the pool at the Spring, TX annex of League HQ. The pair of us bobbed and floated, took in some daylight (which, refreshingly, wasn't cooking the meat off of our bones) and then chilled. The Admiral and I set sail for ice cream and ice, and made a side-trip for me over to Bedrock City Comics (a fine, fine chain of comic shops in Houston) where I picked up the seminal "Last Superman Story" issue, a signed John Bryne comic and a TPB of "Stray Toasters" which I had been looking for for about 15 years.

The admiral shook his head in disappointment and we headed for Kroger to get Vanilla and Magic Shell.

Loyal Leaguers Shannon C. and Josh Q. Lowry showed up first, followed quickly by John and Julie B. (married just this spring). Jason arrived in short order with Cassidy the three-legged dog in tow. Completing the massing, Peabo arrived with his long-suffering wife and utterly confused sister-in-law (who is in our fair nation studying up on her English).

I tried to catch up with as many folks as possible, but it was a bit of physical challenge, given how I hadn't seen most of the folks represented in many months. Nonetheless, the company of all in attendance was appreciated. We staye dup too late and talked possibly too much.

Saturday we all finally got out of bed, showered, ate and hit the road for BMT.

As Loyal Leaguers will be able to tell you, Jim D. is involved with the Board of Directors at Beaumont's historical Jefferson Theater. He's been involved with the Summer Film Series at the Jefferson, and, as such, had secured a print of the director's cut of the 1978 film masterpiece, Superman: The Movie.

With Steanso, Jamie and The League in one car, and Peabo, wife and sister-in-law in the other, we made it to BMT far later than originally planned. But that's the magic of trying to politely wrangle that many people, all of whom are there because they want to say hello to you, and all of whom have said they want to go along with your hare-brained scheme to see the Superman movie.

Well, something also got lost in the translation (literally) as Jeff explained to Adriana and Lucy that we were going to a Sneak Preview of "the new Superman movie." Jeff's not a "details" sort of guy, I suppose, and the change fo plans didn't bother him. Further, he'd promised a beach to Adriana and Lucy, but a beach was not to be had. Alas.

Anyhoo, our merry troop met up with Jim D. and RHPT.com at Carlo's Ristorante in Beaumont, and for the first time, I met RHPT.

Firstly, Randy is exactly the same height I thought he'd be. No taller nor shorter. Nor larger nor smalled. His photographs pretty much tell the whole picture. What the photos can't convey is that Randy's a very nice, sharp guy with an odd tale to tell about a flood in his house.

We had a lovely lunch at Carlo's, then headed over to Jim's preferred comic shop, at which I found a few Superman comics which I snatched up immediately. One of which was the classic "Kryptonite No More" comic from back in the day, which I suspect was a bit underpriced.

From there we took a colorful tour of the back streets of BMT, trying to get around a train. I thought maybe Jim planned to kill us all and dump our bodies in the tall grass, but we eventually did located the Jefferson Theater.


The Stately Jefferson Theater


The Marquee announcing a line-up sure to make fanboys wet themselves

Let me state that The Jefferson easily rivals Austin's Paramount Theater in it's decor and venerable charm.

We entered the lobby to the sound of pipe-organ music, which Steanso pointed out was playing "YMCA". The Jefferson employs an organist, a wonderful gentleman we had opportunity to speak with, who also had music for Superman, which he had mastered.

I was disappointed only in that I don't live in BMT and will not be there in the next few weeks for the Wild West Series which he has promised to preceed with "The Magnificent Seven" and other great themes from some of my favorite movies.


There was a very nice man playing the organ, but, clearly, he was not playing when I went downstairs to get a picture.

We were also referred to a few pizza joints in town and told to ask for specific organists. So Jamie and I are actually going to go to Pipe Organ Pizza this weekend if Lou is playing. Should be fun.

Jim suggested we go to the balcony for the best view and to get a nice, old-timey theatrical experience, so we went upstairs and selected some seats.


Included in this shot are some of the pipes to the pipe organ. Plus an idea of how nice the interior is at the Jefferson. Shot, I might add, from the balcony.


Jamie demonstrates the proper enthusiasm for Superman: The Movie

The lights dimmed, we took our seats and the movie began.

Look, sometimes things happen nobody can control, and, people, it's not Jim's fault. But just as the Planet Krypton exploded into a radioactive mass, hurling kryptonite chunks to the far reaches of space, the projector died. Or, more accurately, the shutter broke on the projector.

The organist leapt back to his position and kids began dancing around the theater, some family stole our seats and Randy fell asleep, complaining of exhuastion.


Steanso eagerly awaits the next reel of the film.

But, as I say, sometimes things happen.

Sadly, the film could not be shown, and we all got refunds.


The League Assembles!
left to right, RHPT.com, Steanso, Lucy, Adriana, Peabo, Mrs. League

Jim had some business to take care of at the theater, so we abandoned him and took our ticket money and headed for Crockett Street where we holed up for the next few hours and drank beer and chatted.

All said, we had a really good time talking to Jim and meeting Randy. It was a heck of a lot of fun to actually see each other and not rely on comments sections and e-mail to communicate.

Jim has apologized, and it's totally unnecessary. He's a champ for getting the film in the first place, and we all apprecaite the work he did. Sometimes technical glitches happen.

Anyhoo, we were SUPPOSED to fly out Sunday morning, but Jamie wasn't feeling well at all, so we delayed and flew out today instead.

So, long story short, I spent Sunday chilling out with my mom.

Anyway, thanks again to all Loyal Leaguers who could participate, and special thanks to Jim for making the whole thing possible. You're #1 in my book.


Why city authorities have requested Superman just fly over intersections instead of pressing the button and waiting for the cross-walk.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

On the road... again.

The League is off for the trip to Spring/ Beaumont.

If you want to catch up with The League, I'll check e-mail routinely. Send e-mail to melbotis or myself. I'll be happy to send along my cell # to identifiable Loyal Leaguers.

Up, up and AWAY!!!!
James Doohan Passes Away

When I was a kid, KBVO showed Star Trek in the late afternoon. I was fascinated with the complex stories, crazy concepts, melodrama and the endless rainbow of alien women Kirk picked up in his voyages across the stars. (But why not pick up Uhura? She was smart, sassy, always cool and collected, and Star Fleet uniforms require female officers to have nice legs... The League suspects that Kirk fears commitment)

But I didn't idolize Kirk. McCoy was too much of a cranky space doctor, and Spock... Spock was sort of too cool and distant to really want to idolize.

Now, Scotty. Scotty got to take over the ship whenever the big kids went planetside, he was usually safely out of harm's way, and he ran his own shop down there with his dilithium crystals. Sure, the Captain could yell at you that he needed more power, but he didn't know how to get that power, did he? No. Scotty did, so how could he even really check up on you without admitting defeat and having to send that freak, Spock? Also, Scotty would duck out of engineering anytime he felt like it to go beaming people up and down from planetside.

Yup, I thought Scotty was all right. And while I was fully aware I lacked the capacity to be an engineer, I did learn that being in a position of power with absolutely no resposibility tied to it can be a glorious thing.

In the Star Trek movies Scotty was used both as a Deus Ex Machina and as comedic relief, and James Doohan finally got the praise he deserved. He also appeared in Satr Trek: The Next Generation as Scotty.

Sadly, Jimmy Doohan passed away today.

He will be fondly remembered at The League.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

THE LEAGUE GOES TO HOUSTON, BEAUMONT
JOIN THE LEAGUE AT A SCREENING OF SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE

Hey, The League is headed to meet up with RHPT.com, Jim D., Steanso and a cast of thousands for a screening of Superman: The Movie.

Friday we're in Houston (Spring), and Saturday we're all headed for the BMT, and you should be, too.

We'll be at the Jefferson Theater around 3:15 - 3:30pm on Saturday for the screening of Superman: The Movie. The show starts at 3:45.

For details and the Jefferson Theater website, click here.

Afterward, we plan to hang about in Beaumont and have a drinky drink somewhere near the theater.

Want to be a part of the action?

Well, try showing up, and then locating the two lumbering giants with the very pale girl, and you'e just found The Family Steans.

It is The League's sincere hope that, plied with enough booze, Steanso will be convinced to reenact the famous "railway" sequence from the film.

If you want to try to meet up, e-mail me by clicking the image of the Justice League up in the top left corner of the site.
Comic Artist Jim Aparo dies at age 72.

Go here to read The Beat's coverage.

Jim Aparo was a penciller and artist on Batman and Detective Comics when I was first getting into the Batman books. To this day I still consider Aparo and Norm Breyfogle to be the guys I associate most with Batman comic art. Frames from Aparo's "Death in the Family" series are still locked in my mind as seminal Batman images.



One bit of trivia: DC has a map of Gotham somewhere in their offices that they use for consistency between writers as Batman and Co. make their way across town. So beloved was Aparo as a Batman artist that, like a few other Bat-artists before him, Aparo has a few landmarks in the fictional Gotham City officially named after him. The Aparo Expressway and Aparo Park will link his name with Batman for years and years to come. It's a small honor, but will help future readers learn more about the craftsmen who helped shape their favorite characters.

Thanks, Jim, for everything.

You can read more about Jim Aparo here.
For those of you who doubt that it is officially hot as a bastard out here in Phoenix, I suggest you read this article.

Monday, July 18, 2005

From the files of What the @#$%?

MECO visits The League





So, on December 2nd 2004, The League posted regarding the League's favorite Christmas album, cult holiday classic, Christmas in the Stars.

Anyhow, today Randy suggested I track down a certain perpetrator of ill-will toward Mother League, and a single name caught my eye.

meco

For some bizarre-o reason known only to HaloScan, it doesn't indicate that I have any comments on this post, but the post is actually rife with comments. Not the least of which is a comment from 70's and 80's pop superstar Meco, producer of Christmas in the Stars and Star Wars Disco.

Meco had this to say:

I am the producer of the Star Wars Christmas album. In answer to two of your questions - That is really John Bon Giovi singing. He was 17 at the time and is the cousin of my producing partner, Tony Bongiovi. I ausitioned several people to sing that song, and finally settled on John. That really is Anthony Daniels who flew into New York for one week to sing - or should I say speak - his parts. After my success with the dance versions of Star wars and The Empire Strikes Back, I worked very closely with George Lucas, who approved every song and lyric before I recorded it. After it was finished, George read the credits and had his secretary call me to ask if "Concept by Meco Monardo" - could be changed to - "Concept by George Lucas and Meco Monardo". The record compnay had already pressed 150,000 copies but agreed to make that change in the next pressing. Unfortunately, the record company, RSO Records, went out of business in November of 1980. Their number one group, The Bee Gees were going to sue them for back royalties.

Can you believe it? MECO HAS BEEN TO THE LEAGUE. It's a little like looking into the face of a bajillion stars. Only I still have my corneas and my skin dodn't burn off.

Meco must have been doing a little Googling when he found The League as he posted this in May, several months after the initial posting. And, as such, I almost didn't notice.

In a way, I now have to thank the person who said awful things in place of my mother, because without them, I never would have known Meco Monardo, or someone pretending to be Meco, had stopped on by at The League.

Part of why this is so odd is that the Meco Star Wars record was one of the first records I ever owned, right after Disco Duck and maybe the Grease soundtrack.

Man, this is weird. Wish I'd seen the post earlier.

For the weblink left by Meco, click here.

The League Looks to Brand Itself

Soooo...

I was up to no good last night and I noticed... it's exceedingly easy to go onto CafePress.com and set up a shop.

Now, I like to think it'll be a sweatshop of some sort with lots of little children toiling away in sub-Saharan heat, but thats MY dream.

The question I put to you is this: Is it worth my time and effort to go and set up a design or two for official League of Melbotis merchandise? Items would include t-shirts, caps and possibly coffee mugs.

Now, the nice thing about CafePress is that once the design is in, that's it. You'd order the shirt and, voila! You got a shirt in the mail in a few days. I know the ranks of The League are too small for me to even dream of trying to make money doing this, so I wouldn't add on any profit to the cost of the shirt. That should help keep costs down a bit.

If you think you'd be interested, post to the comments section.
For those of you wondering why my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory review was, ahem, brief...

I was actually trying to get a review completed for Comic Candy.

The review is full of grammatical errors, but I invite you to go check it out.

Review of All-Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder

I've asked Jamie to review Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I will be reviewing the massive acne breakout I've suffered since going on my chocolate splurge.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Letters to Melbotis:

Hey,

So when does Lucy get to join the league?

Dad



Hello, Dad,

Melbotis very, very excited to hear from Admiral. Admiral is nice man who often have towel for Mel.

Unless this letter from Mel's dad. Which would be AMAZING. If so, Hello, Daddy. Mel never met you, but Mel suspect you were also a big boy. Mel is very happy to hear from you and hope you are having good life, but why you never write before? Perhaps you joined evil Empire like Darth Vader? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....

Mel not ready to burn you on funeral pyre while teddy bears have party.

Anyhow, Lucy is very annoying, but chubby couch man say Lucy must stay. Sometime pale lady not so sure, but chubby couch man insist. Anyway, Mel mostly only figurehead at League and does not make much policy. BUT, last Mel heard, Lucy have Junior Membership in League, but not expected to perform duties of full-fledged members.

Mostly, Lucy run around and eat grass, chew on Mel's head and take away toys Mel want to play with. She live in box at night and during hot part of day. Chubby man explain this is "C.S.Tuh." Mel not understand.

Anyway, Daddy, Mel hope you are happy dog, and hope you know Mel is good boy and have own website. Hooray!

-Mel
THE LEAGUE REVIEWS:

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY


20 minutes into the movie, I thought that if someone didn't get me a @#$%ing chocolate bar, I was going to chew somebody's arm off.

The End

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Trapped in the Closet, The League bears witness

So...

Remember the dude who teamed with Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes gang to teach a whole generation he could fly (or was it them? I can't recall...)? Just who was that man singing that inspirationally treacly tune?

R.Kelly. That's who. The film: Space Jam. Yeah, I saw it. Shut up.

R.Kelly then used the launchpad of his success with Taz and Co. to do two things:

1) create a series of videos which were operatic in nature, belying the over-produced goofiness of R.Kelly's substandard R&B stylings.

2) get charged with 21 counts of child pornography.

For the past few years, it's been the latter of R.Kelly's two achievements that has really been grabbing headlines.

Well, good news for music lovers. R.Kelly is back! And this time he's come with an astounding creative vision, an operatic saga of Wagnerian proportions. Crossing the span of five songs and five music videos, R. Kelly's opus is curiously dubbed "Trapped in the Closet".

Yes, "Trapped in the Closet." R.Kelly's not afraid of ducking the big social issues. Like picking up chicks at bars and then having to hide from their husbands in, you guessed it, the closet.

This sort of stuff more or less makes up the entirety of the 5-song cycle.

Now I know all of you want to dash off to watch all the videos, but maybe you don't have 20-25 minutes to dedicate today to R. Kelly? Well, The League is here to assist.

Remember how in the summer you'd get a job and you'd be working with people you just don't know in the slightest, and then in Day 2, they decide to start unloading all of their Jerry Springer personal lives on you? And you begin to formulate a theory that this person seems to have designed their model for proper behavior between human beings by watching endless hours of Melrose Place and The O.C.?

And despite the fact they're managing to bore you AND make you uncomfortable with their stories, you can't manage to just shush them. After all:

1) Your mama raised you to be polite and listen
2) You figure that if they're telling you, it must be very important and maybe they've decided you're the only person they can talk to (until you realize every single person around knows the entire story by heart by now)
3) You figure if they're bothering to tell you this incredibly convoluted story with a half dozen characters and an obvious chain of incredibly poor choices on the part of the narrator, my GOD, there's got to be a point...

And then the person finishes the story and asks you what you what you think, and you're left standing there wondering, since their story has made you seriously consider the legitimacy of mandatory sterilization for the very first time, that maybe you're a closet fascist.

Well, that's R. Kelly. R.Kelly is the moron who sat in front of me that bleak summer at North Harris Community College who couldn't pass any exams whatsoever. R.Kelly is the twit who took up my coffee break three consecutive days at Chuck E. Cheese. R. Kelly is the flake I sat next to at defensive driving. R. Kelly is the angrily irresponsible boob Real World casting agents salivate over.

What does the song cycle accomplish?

The sheer scope of the project screams "epic", and you can almost feel it. This is IT. This is R.Kelly's big artistic moment, his chance to prove he's not just a guy who takes pictures of underage girls. He's a serious artist with a big picture of the world that he simply must share or he might explode.

And, apparently, he's a guy who doesn't think it's weird that he doesn't need to come home to his wife at night, and that he will cheat on his wife after a drink or two. We also learn that he's a serious artist who doesn't wear protection (nor even shower) after finding out about the wild world of sexual intrigue he's just foisted upon himself.

Re: the title

I don't want to give anything away. Someone in this tale is, in fact, gay... Is it R.Kelly? Well, the title would suggest exactly that. But, in a completely unsurprising display demonstrating a total lack of subtely on R.Kelly's part, R.Kelly as narrator is not revealed to be gay. He's actually trapped in the literal closet.

It is another character who disappears after Song 3 that is figuratively "in the closet". And while Figure #3 is important, he's not really central enough to make you think he should really be grabbing the title.

The whole enterprise sort of leaves you wondering. Is R.Kelly that naive to think that the title wouldn't raise a few eyebrows, or were the extra two parts of the song just R. covering his tracks? The world may never know...

Now, for no particular reason a gun enters late in Track #1, adding both an alarming insight into R.Kelly's first line of defense in a confrontation and a lot of awkward and pointless gun waving during the interminable Track #2.

Musically, all 5 tracks are the same indistinguishable mass of steady beats and audio loops. What's supposed to be carrying all five tracks, in theory, is R.Kelly's vocal. There is a sort of rhyme and meter, but the entire thing feels more like R.Kelly made up as kooky of a story as he could while floating in the tub and then added a few loops behind it.

Still, you doubt The League? Here are some of my favorite lyrics.

Damn, here comes a police man
He drove right up on me and flashed his light
Then I pulled over without thinkin twice
He hopped out the car and walked over to me
And said license and registration please
I looked up at him and said
Officer, is there somethin wrong
He said no, except you were were doin 85 in a 60 mile zone
Then I said officer
Let me explain please
Ya see the truth of the matter is
Is that I have an emergency
He said no excuses
And no exception
I said this is some bull...as he gave me the ticket

Tellin' it like it is. Reportin' from the streets. It's R.Kelly. For all the lyrics, click here.

The truth is, this actually reads about 10 times better than it actually sounds.

Leaguers, I simply CANNOT RECOMMEND "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET" ENOUGH. It's a rare thing when one sees a project so obviously important to an artist, a project so near and dear to an artist's heart that they want to say, "THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE ONE THEY'LL REMEMBER ME FOR!" And it is rare that such a labor of love is such a complete trainwreck of misery and crapola completely exposing the artist for the hacky schmuck he really is.

To watch the entire epic, click here.

I have no idea what TP.3 means. Maybe it's slang for "The law requires that I inform you that I am living in your neighborhood."