Melbotis Mailbag: The League's Comic Book Continuity Manifesto

D. Loyd included this question in his Mellie Noms:

Why does the League obsess about Continuity in the DC world?

Good question, D.

For those of you who do not read comic books, comics work a LOT like soap operas. The Spider-Man comics that are released today under the name "The Amazing Spider-Man" follow the adventures of the same Peter Parker kids fell in love with in 1963. From a certain perspective, it's all been one long, continuous story for more than forty years. For good or ill, it's also been a story told by a long list of writers, editors and artists.

There are also multiple Spider-Man comics, and some have come and gone over the years, but Spidey usually has two comics going on at any time. This is usually where new readers notice continuity problems as it's tough to figure out when the events in Amazing Spider-Man are taking place versus the events in Spectacular Spider-Man.

Just to get complicated, Spidey lives in a world populated by a wide array of heroes, which means he may also appear in other comics. He might guest star in Captain America, which means that, from a reader's perspective, in six months Spidey needs to remember who Cap is and what events took place over in Cap's title.

It's supposed to be the job of the editor to make sure that there are no oversights in continuity. One of the great joys of comics is the history that surrounds the major comics and characters. The characters don't forget what's come before. They do refer to prior events, and they discuss them from time to time (or give you the necessary exposition in a thought-bubble). As a kid I first learned the names of the editors at Marvel as the editors would add an asterisk and a small box to a panel that contained dicussion of prior events. Spidey might say "Last time I fought Doc Ock I threw a brick at him.*" And then the editor would have a little pane that said "* in issue #187 -Exposition Lovin' Ralph".

As a reader, you wanted to know what was going on that made Spidey throw a brick at Doc Ock. So off you'd go to find a back issue at your local comic shop. The real point, of course, was to let you know when and how events occured. I learned about the entire storylines for Dark Phoenix and Days of Future Past in this manner before ever reading the stories.

Marvel also wisely had instituted a policy that said "assume every comic is the first comic that somebody ever picked up". I think the policy has been abandoned under Quesada for a while, but may be on the comeback. What the policy meant for editors was that any issue of a new comic might contain lots of those little asterisks. It also meant characters called each other by name a little too often, and they spent more time than a DragonBall Z character explaining their powers. They might also spend a lot of time thinking about the meaning of a fight during the middle of a fight.

As a kid, to me, that meant I was discovering a whole new world which had a rich history, where actions had consequence and meaning, and that these imaginary worlds were a heck of a lot more interesting than Pencewood Drive.

My point here is that the editors may have made the wrong decision when it comes to new readership. I'd heard that a lot of the old Marvel practices had been scrapped because continuity was too burdensome to new readers. To a potential casual reader, sure. But to the little geeks just discovering comics, scrapping continuity and references to the past means there's nothing behind the latest issue. No continuity means that there's no world to discover and appreciate, and that each issue is as disposable as the last episode of Power Rangers. Continuity and editorial control of continuity put a challenge to new readers, one that is not impossible, and one that's enjoyable to overcome as they dig out the lore and missing pieces that make up the comic they hold in their hand.

As an adult reader who knows his way around the Marvel and DCU fairly well, the need to continue to learn more and more about comics hasn't really gone away. I'm constantly learning new things about the comic publishing industry, about the folks behind the comics, the kinds of stories that were told, etc... and I still unearth new tidbits about the characters that make up the roster of the DCU. That's the fuel that sets the fire of the historian side of my comic geekiness.

To more directly answer D. Loyd's question of why I care about Continuity at age 31: What is the point of reading a story if any impact will be immediately erased by the whims of the next creative team?

I'm going to use character death repeatedly as an example, partly because the death of a character is a definite terminal point in any narrative, partly because it's terribly abused in comics, and partly because it's a lot less picky than some geeky things I could point out.

If I read a well-written story in which, say, The Flash kills the Trickster, and part of that story is that everyone knows The Flash killed The Trickster, (a) it's not going to make sense when the Trickster pops up again four months from now because "Brave and the Bold wants" to use The Trickster and, last I checked, he was dead. (b) If other characters are aware that The Flash is capable of murder, wouldn't they treat him with the proper caution? If never refer to those events again, doesn't that leave sort of a gap? (c) What did Flash learn from his experience? If Trickster never died, than we assume Flash never learned that lesson. (d) if Flash mentions the death in his own comics, and, so, say, as promise to never kill again, the Flash starts wearing yellow trunks... it won't make sense if he's wearing trunks when he comes up the Trickster again in two years becasue he was aline in "The Brave and the Bold".

Yes, these things happen.

Now multiply that by dozens of comics coming out every month, twelve months a year. It's a daunting task for an editor to keep up with, but the fans of the comics can do it, and they're spending money, not earning it.

Comics have enough problems with logic and time compression. In spite of those short fallings, what they can provide is a continuous story in which the characters grow and learn lessons, just as characters on a television program can grow and learn lessons. While some mistakes and changes are inevitable (and some, may, in fact, improve the overall logic of the comic) blatant disregard for the events of a story which many or most readers know shows a lack of respect for long time readers who have been the ones to support a title.

Similar to a television program which has multiple seasons, fans would not tolerate, say, a dead character reappearing without explanation when a new season debuts. I do not want to see movie sequels in which dead characters suddenly return to life because the writers decided they liked a death scene in the original, but they really wanted that guy, after all. (How would Godfather II have been if Sonny had just pulled up to the lake house with no explanation?). I don't want to read a book where characters are impossible to track and suddenly walk into a room when we believe they're on a boat somewhere in the Pacific. I want comics to show the same, basic respect for my intelligence.

It is true that many creative teams do find themselves painted into a corner by the work of previous creative teams. I don't find this to necessarily mean that the previous work should simply be ignored. Writers like Geoff Johns have shown heroic efforts in streamlining continuities, finding ways for apparent continuity flaws to co-exist, and basically writing to the situation rather than pretending like it never happened.

It is, in my opinion, the editor and writer's job to ensure continuity remains intact in mainline comic books. Action Comics should not contradict itself as team after team is inevitably replaced. If the writers and editors wish to tell a story which contradicts continuity, the story should be strong enough to carry itself as a one-shot or limited series. Otherwise, it is the writer's duty to find the logic in altering the continuity one way or another in their story-telling.

The popular stance four years ago was that continuity was for saps and that it damaged the industry. What the writers were publically stating was that they were being given writing jobs based upon success elsewhere, and they didn't have the appropriate knowledge to complete the job they'd been recruited to do. And, of course, they couldn't be bothered to spend a few hours reading comics to see what was going on with a title before they took it over.

What DC has managed to prove since Identity Crisis is that continuity does matter. Readers will tend to pick up additional comics if they are somehow tied together. Readers will tend to stick with a title if they don't feel abandoned by the editors. And you can explain and fix all of your continuity problems with a Crisis when things get out of hand.

Some amusing links at Nanostalgia.com

Here is my review of Ultimate Avengers: The Movie

Here are some thoughts on the all-new trailer for Flight 93.

Radio Silence

The League apologizes for the lack of posting.

Thursday morning I met with my doctor and I said "Well, I need to lose some weight. I was hoping to come up with some sort of dietary plan and maybe an exercise plan."

Dr. Chang does not suffer fools, and made it pretty clear that my getting in shape was not his responsibility, it was my own. Apparently he's quite sick of people asking how he can help people get in shape, but at the end of the day, he can't really help people eat less and exercise. "Everything else in this world," he told me "you can pay somebody else to do it for you. I can pay someone to clean my house or wash my car. I can't pay someone to work out for me. I can't pay someone to eat less."
Anyway, we had a long discussion about how my lazy caveman brain didn't want for me to work out because it wanted to store energy for fight-or-flight moments, but since I'm not routinely being attacked by wild beasts, I needed to show some will-power.
Schedule? Schedules are for losers. Every day. I must go out and exercise every day. None of this every-other-day crap. Not after work, either. After work there are excuses and things to do and distractions. So with the sad knowledge that I must now go to bed earlier, I am getting up in the dark (which in AZ in Spring is pretty early), patting Mel on the head, and putting on my sneakers.
What should I do for an exercise? I asked. Run. It's cheap and you don't need equipment or a place to go to do it. No gym membership. No trainer. Just move your fat ass faster than normal and try not to have a heart-attack.
"This is the United States," Dr. Chang advised me, "If you drop dead, they'll resucitate you."
So I'm running.
Not well, mind you. The first day I kept waiting for Thursday night's dinner to come back at me. My knees were killing me and I felt generally beat up all day on Saturday.
So I'm trying running. I've no technique and I'm mixing stretches of running with stretches of walking until I'm positive I won't vomit. And I'm only on day 4, so give me a @#$%ing break.

Memories of 8th grade keep coming back to me, when I took athleticism as a point of pride. I wasn't any track star, but I had one of the top 1/3rd times in the mile on the football team (and I was a lineman). I could run two miles and get sweaty, but not tired. Muscles and joints didn't hurt. And you never cared if people were watching you run because you might look funny.

Youth is wasted on the wrong people.

Sunday Jamie and I met up for lunch with Tami Nelson. Tami and I have orbited one another since high school, then in college, then out of college, and somehow we continue to bump into one another and occasionally keep in touch.

Tami is my token Katrina victim. She left Austin 5 or more years ago for the promise of adventure in New Orleans. Long enough, anyway, for it to become home. She evacuated herself and her world-famous cat, Tom Proctor, prior to the storm, going back to Spring for what she believed was a long weekend. She's now in Austin, and there's a story there, but it's Tami's and I don't really feel like I'm the one to share the story second-hand.

While in New Orleans Tami had become involved in improvisational comedy. The remarkable part of her story is that her troupe, scattered to the four winds in the evacuation, found one another and regrouped in Austin. They renamed themself and are now performing a mixed bag of local Austin shows and travelling to improv festivals, apparently stronger now than prior to the hurricane.

Anyhoo, it's always great to see someone out here in the Valley of the Sun. Bits and pieces of your former life do occasionally wash up on shore, and it's always interesting to see "how much did we change? Or did we change at all?"

Tami has an interesting opportunity, and if it materializes the way it sounds like it might, I'll let you cats know. Folks in Texas might be particularly interested.

Also, if you are in Austin, look for performances by ColdTowne.

SECRET WARS RE-ENACTMENT SOCIETY

Were you a Marvel Comics fan in the 80's? Sweet. So was I. Sadly I came in at the tail-end of the original Secret Wars limited series and/or sort of the beginning of Secret Wars II, which was equal parts stunning and goofy.

Mostly, I remember the awesome toys that spawned the whole series to begin with. I used to have a Secret Wars Wolverine, Captain America and Dr. Doom. I have no idea what happened to them.

Are you interested in CosPlay (if you have to ask, don't. You'll be happier)? You are? Well, The League is stunned to find an even greater dork than himself. Prepare for an atomic wedgie when next we meet.

Unless you're Lynda Carter and willing to try on the ol' Wonder Woman outfit again. Then you're my favorite person. But then I think we've crossed some line from CosPlay into some sort of territory that means I have to start shopping at Planet K.

At any rate, Leaguers, I've revealed too much already.

The point of this was:

Secret Wars Re-Enactment Society

Can these two people find wedded bliss?
I'm asking, because I often question Richard's ability to find his car in a parking lot



This is Richard and Laura. They've been dating since like 1984 or something. Richard apparently realized he wasn't getting out of this one, and now they are getting married just before Halloween.

For those of you going, I am here to mislead you into believing that costumes are required. So, Shannon, we expect you to dust off the Princess Leia costume. I guarantee, if you wear it, you will be the hit of the wedding.

I'm excited about Dick finally tying the knot. Sure, he's found the love of his life and whatnot, but he's also sure to spring for a decent bar.

Honestly, I don't know Laura very well. I think I met her once and she saw me eat a squash and then get drunk. I've left better first-impressions. We don't know why Laura decided Richard was a great catch, nor why she's stuck it out all this time. Maybe she really likes Dick's lengthy explanations of economics (maybe Dick was the right man for TST all along), or she can't get enough of his crazy mad dancing skills. We may never know.

Honestly, I'm hoping Dick breaks down and cries like a baby while giving his vows.

The one thing I know, if this wedding hopes to be anywhere as good as Shannon's, we're going to have to release a dog into the middle of the ceremony. Josh, it's your responsibility to find the dog.

Nanostalgia.com update

Hey, all. If you want to see some seriously geekish behavior, check out my commentary on DC Comics' July solicitations.

Go to Nanostalgia.com now.

Or, for my quick reviews of a few DC Comics from the week of 4-12-06, go here.

It's X-Men week at Dave's Longbox!

If you never heard of the X-Men until the movies came out, this won't be for you. Or, if you think Gambit is the coolest part of X-Men (a) you suck, and (b) this might not be for you, fake X-Fan.

Few items will make me geek out like 80's era X-Men. Uncanny X-Men was THE comic which made me a comic geek (thanks Uncanny X-Men #210), taught me about hunting for back issues, gave me some colorful ideas about race, class and gender in my formative years and taught me Steanso would probably make a better member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants than the X-Men.

Dizzam. Those were comics. Shaped for, what, more than a decade? by a single writer... Chris Claremont. Damn, now that's how you do a run on a comic, Brian Michael Bendis. You make up new phrases, you give people ridiculous nicknames and you turn the ultimate villain into a good guy.

The best part of X-Men was always the completely bizarre dialogue which Claremont made his trademark. In fact, I had no idea as a kid that most of the cliches of Uncanny X-Men were coined by Claremont himself, exclusive to Claremont, and appeared nowehre else in the entire world in either conversational english or the written word. It took me years to realize I should quit trying to use them in term papers and whatnot as it always ended with me having to explain my sentence structure to my teachers.

Anyway, if you were around for the Chris Claremont run (I'm talking to you now, Reed-o), you have to jump from the hyperlink. Then make sure you review the comments section. It's pure X-Men gold.

Oh, and making Psylocke a Japanese Assassin was, possibly, the most nonsensical moment in comics history. I don't care what Jim Lee felt like drawing.

Coke Blak Taste Test Update!

Yes, Nathan, we DID try adding ice cream to Coke Blak at the League HQ Kitchen Laboratory. We bought a pint of vanilla, put on our goggles and safety equipment and went to work.

At first I thought this was going to be a roaring success, but the taste of the Coke Blak largely overwhelmed the ice cream addition. That said, you can never really go wrong with a scoop of vanilla. Like most floats, the ice cream melted rapidly and the concotion became a sort of frothy, extremely sweet mess. But I do think Coke Blak has found a home as a dessert as I think I'd be more likely to have Coke Blak again as a float than just popping open a bottle and pouring it over ice.

That said, the 4th bottle of Coke Blak remains untouched atop the fridge.

I guess this means The League has opened itself up to possible suggestions for Taste Tests. Please bear in mind, The League is not the weird kid on the playground who will eat pill-bugs for a nickel. If you have a new product you're curious about, consider The League to be a bit like Consumer Reports, but for questionable foods.

Babies, Ahoy!

Hey, ya'll. If you hadn't noticed, if you send me a picture of your kid, I will probably post it.

I guess Cousin Jim and his wife Michelle had thier kid yesterday! Everyone welcome little Walker Bridenstine to the world.


The guy on the right is Jim. Right now he is hoping the baby is less accident prone than he was between the ages of 1 and 15.


Hey, it's Arden Hermann-Wilmarth!

Arden considers the years of therapy it will take to recover from this hair-style

CrackBass gets a blog.

hey, ya'll go check out CrackBass's blog over at Blogo de Wilson. It's sure to be a good read.

Melbotis Mailbag!

Jim D. writes:
Dear Ryan, why don't you write a book? Not a novel, but a collection of personal essays and/or observations, not unlike Chuck Klosterman? Or even something like Sedaris or Eggers? Why not?

Jim,

Writing is very hard and time consuming, and unless I had a really good idea and a six-figure advance, I find it unlikely I would or could devote the necessary time. I am not sure who this Chuck Klosterman fellow is, but from his name it sounds like he might be an elder in a Lutheran church. Sedaris and Eggers I HAVE read. Unlike Sedaris or Eggers I have not really lived a life full of anecdotes that are print-worthy and/or are in any way relevant to the general public. I think if you reflect upon it, there's no justification for the sort of supply chain needed to get my bright ideas from a helpless tree to people's airport travel bags.

I will say this: if I am ever published, I hope I can hire Samuel L. Jackson to do the book on tape.

For those of you who really think I'm awesome and want to give me money, I can set up a PayPal system for you to start sending me dough.

Okay. Dipping back into the Mellie Noms:

Peabo writes

a) Why does the League obsess about NBA basketball? College B-ball is where it’s at.

Good question, Peabo. I think this is easier to couch in terms of why I don't watch college ball. The quick and dirty answer is that aside from our stint of catching UT games in the late 80's, I never paid much attention to college basketball. Then I ceased paying attention to sports from about 1991-1996. Then I started watching UT Football, some pro-football, the Spurs and a handful of other teams. To me, that was always a lot.

College ball is fun. But as occasionally as I've been able to see teams of any note in college ball (bear in mind, I get a lot of exciting ASU basketball here), versus several nights a week of Suns basketball, plus TNT's coverage... Well, it's a matter of odds who is going to keep my interest.

That, and in the late 80's when we were going to UT Basketball Camp I paid like $25 to have my picture taken with Tom Penders and he was a jerk.

b) The League needs to cover: The madcap hijinks of his suburban neighbors

I don't really know my neighbors. The guy who lives next door is okay. He's like 7 feet tall, but his wife decided we weren't worth talking to when we didn't accept their invitation to go to church. It felt like Texas all over again.

I've never seen one of the families across the street. We DO have flag-guy across the street who looks exactly like Squidward from SpongeBob. He's been dubbed "Flag-Guy" as each holiday he places literally dozens of flags in his yard. I lost count at 75 two 4th of July's ago.

Aside from that, I have no idea who the people are who live around me. Nobody goes outside in AZ.

HAPPY EASTER, LEAGUERS!!!!

Hope everyone is having a festive Easter Sunday. I'll be back to post more this evening.

Jamie and I went to the Diamondbacks/ Astros game last night, and it was quite a game if you were an Astros fan. We're impartial, and thus decided to root for our hometown team so as not to draw the ire of our fellow ticket holders.

Baseball is a great spectator sport, and not just because nobody cares if you throw peanut shells all over the place. We had fairly good $10 seats and spent most of the game reclined and taking in the open-air stadium.

It was also Jackie Robinson Night, which was pretty cool. As a kid I had a book on Jackie Robinson that I read over and over (where IS that book?). MLB or the D-Backs had put together a nice video package for the Jumbotron and the D-Bakcs trotted out a former owner of the Kansas City Monarchs (which meant that guy knew Jackie in the Negro Leagues prior to moving to Brooklyn) and a couple of local dignitaries.

And here's a cool thing about an open-air stadium (but has little to do with Jackie Robinson): four F-16's tore over in formation at the end of The Star Spangled Banner. Unfortunately, they flew over at an angle that must have been amazing from the other side of the stadium, but I couldn't see anything but one wing.

C'est la vie.

We left during the seventh inning stretch when we were down 9-0 and had earned 2 hits all game. I know baseball can turn on a dime, but neither our batting nor our pitching staff looked remotely awake last night (as evidenced by the 10-0 final score). And I think we had two or three errors as well. Blech.

I did get a nice D-Backs cap.

The next game we'll go to will be the March 4 game vs. the Chicago Cubs, so I am torn about who to cheer for. Cubs, I guess. Just know this: I've never been to a baseball game where the team I've cheered for has won.

This morning Jamie woke me up and we had our big Easter breakfast of bacon and sweet rolls. This was preceeded, however, by an exchanging of Easter baskets. Mine is pretty fly, emblazoned with the Superman logo.


The Easter Bunny's lesser-known cousin, The Terror Bunny

At some point last night I was visited by the Easter Bunny (who is apparently pals with Jamie). Before I'd even had a cup of coffee I was on an egg-hunt, lurching around the house trying to find both plastic and real eggs. Apparently my egg-finding skills are a bit rusty as Jamie had to use the tried-and-true "Warmer/colder" method to help me find 90% of the little potential stink bombs.

Anyhoo, hope everyone is having a fantastic Easter.

Odds and Ends

So, despite what the cover of Newsweek would have you believe, nobody gives a shit either about Katie Couric moving to CBS news or, possibly, the CBS evening news. (Who the hell is home in time to see the national news?)

Don't believe me? Gallup says:

Only about 1 in 10 Americans say they are more likely to watch the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric in the anchor seat, and roughly the same percentage say they are less likely to watch, according to a new USA Today/Gallup poll. Despite Couric's presumed power to produce high ratings, only 6% of Americans say they will be less likely to watch the Today show when Couric's replacement, Meredith Vieira, steps in. Seven percent say they will be more likely to watch.

Apparently most people don't care who Meredith whats-her-name is, either. I will say my mother has said how happy she is Katie's got herself a new job, but in 31 years I've never seen her watch the evening news, so I doubt we'll see the KareBear start now. I could be wrong. I could be wrong.

SGH has pitched some sort of League-a-Palooza here in Chandler, AZ. Look, I've spent three years in these pages both complaining about this place and trying to escape. Why... WHY would you people want to come here? I guarantee you, two seconds after arriving here you would have a moment of clarity and start looking for a way to change your departure day and time.

1) Today it was 95 degrees. This is as nice as it will be until October 31st.
2) There is nothing to do in Chandler.
3) My comic collection loses it's novelty in about twenty minutes.
4) I'm terrified RHPT may come and discover my entire room dedicated to pictures I've taken of him through his blinds in various states of undress
5) Jamie has a terrible beef-jerky like smell
6) I've secretly been living in Atlanta this entire time

Anyway, you guys are nice to try to come to my aid and amuse me. But let's hold off until the weather is not going to burn out your eye-balls before we entertain any notions of coming to the desert.

Plus, I might be going to ACL Fest, depending on what I can work out. (Radiohead, Jim. Radiohead.)

Uh, what else...?

I watched both episodes of South Park's "Cartoon Wars." Check them out if you have a chance.

I'm trying to figure out where I can get a pair of roller skates. (skates, not "blades"). I've decided that Chandler is completely flat, which means I would NEVER be skating uphill, which means, in a way, Chandler is a perfect roller rink.

Oh, and what's this? My old pal from college, Richard, is getting hitched up to his longtime girlfriend, Laura. Richard isn't really a Leaguer, and, in fact, I haven't heard from Richard in, like, forever. But it sounds like I may be invited to the wedding in late October. I hope Richard is planning on a "Halloween Costume" themed wedding, because I have all kinds of ideas. If Shannon has any info on this, it would be much appreciated.

Anyhoo, it's late and I don't have much for you guys today.

I'll be dipping into the Melbotis Mailbag this weekend. Stop on by!

Oh, and Happy Easter, Leaguers. Whether you're doing the church thing, the secular thing, or taking advantage of the Easter tradition and getting some time off, enjoy.

In the News:

I don't know what was up today, but here are some interesting bits:

-CNN actual headline: Star wears red shirt, no pants to Walk of Fame ceremony

-Apparently a giant rabbit is prowling the British country-side in a manner eerily similar ot "Curse of the Were-Rabbit"

-Those wacky Iranians have figured out how to make enriched uranium. But Condi will not let this stand. I'm not sure what part of the UN charter say the US gets to tell everybody else what to do, but I also understand why this might make the US a bit nervous.
I'm going to break this down for you not following the news:
1) 1970's, a bunch of Iranians kick out the Shah and go all fundamentalist kooky
2) Crazy Iranians take US citizens hostage
3) League, aged 5, vaguely remembers hostages being freed
4) US and Iran do not get along
5) Ayatollah Khomeni hires the Joker (fresh off killing Jason Todd) to become Iran's ambassador to the UN. Joker given complete diplomatic immunity by lousy UN charter. Superman and Batman team-up and foil the Joker's plot to use his lethal "Joker Gas" on the UN General Assembly. Jim Aparo's pencils rock in this issue.
6) US invades Iraq. Threatens anyone looking funny at US in the region with a "who want's some?" sort of squinty-eyed Eastwoody thing. US does much chest punding and making of "Whoooo"ing sound.
7) Many US citizens buy little ribbon magnets for their cars.
8) Iranians feel threatened.
8) Iranians elect fundamentalist who promises he will "take no guff"
9) Former US hostages say, "hey, wasn't that the a@@hole who held us hostage...?"
10) Iran decides to start either petroleum free energy program or world-ending nuclear program, depending on who you wanna believe
11) US says "The only people who can have nukes are us, Russia, a scad of former USSR countries, India, maybe Pakistan, and like four other countries."
12) Iranians point to small article on back of Denny's menu stating they are a sovereign nation and can pretty much do whatever the hell they want, a la the U.S.
13) IAEA feels uncomfortable as friend caught in the middle
14) Condi makes her "angry face"
15) Saber rattling commences
16) Realizing this may go past 5:00, UN Security Coucil orders out for pizza.

There you go.

-In fake news, a sequel is planned for Snakes on a Plane (in someone's imagination).

-Thousands of Phish fans suddenly headed for Alaska before the laws change

That's my news-in-brief.

Thanks to everyone for a swell birthday! It was a good one and certainly one for the record books.

Steanso has gone wayyyyy out of his way to make sure that I do not forget some key moments from my childhood. Go to AoS. (editor's note: The League is known as "Roundball" at AoS)

We'll be back soon, same bat time, same bat channel.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAGUE!!

You are my Superman!
Love, Mrs. League

I love technology
But not as much as you, you see
But I still love technology
Always and forever.

Hey, it's The League's 31st Birthday.

Happy Birthday to me.

I've tried to make it a little tradition to post the lyrics to a song each year on this day.

Waitin' for a Superman
Flaming Lips

Asked you a question
I didn't need you to reply
Is it gettin' heavy?
But they'll realize
Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Is it overwhelming
To use a crane to crush a fly?
It's a good time for Superman
To lift the sun into the sky

'Cause it's gettin' heavy
Well I thought it was already as heavy
As can be

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

Is it gettin' heavy?
Well I thought it was already as heavy as can be.

Tell everybody
Waitin' for Superman
That they should try to hold on
Best they can
He hasn't dropped them
Forgot them
Or anything
It's just too heavy for Superman to lift

The League Taste Tests Coca-Cola Blak
(imagine a little dash over the "a" in Blak)
aka: My Coke has an Identity Crisis

Coca-Cola Corp decided some time ago to start playing mad scientist in their R&D division. From this infusion of R&D dinero we've had some interesting concoctions.

Coke with lemon pledge.
Coke with Lime.
Coke Zero.
Booze ready vanilla coke.

I heard Tina Fey say something about Coke with coffee in it on Saturday Night Live. The League loves him some Coke, but we REALLY loves us some coffee. Parched and tired from my journey to AZRD on Saturday night, I was looking for something refreshing yet full of amphetamines to really get me going.

And, By GOD, they had new Coke BlaK (imagine a little line over the "a" in Blak).

What does The Coca-Cola company have to say for their new product? Well, check it out (and dig the loungy music).

Jamie was skeptical, especially given the debacle which was the Jones Soda Holiday Feast, but, folks, we at League HQ must continue to find ways to assist you, the consumer.

I was a bit a'feared, not having Steanso to back me up, so I invited JLA'er and recent widower Ralph (Elongated Man) Dibny to assist me in trying out the new beverage. And, as always, Jeff the Cat.


Jeff wisely tries to separate himself from the fun


What of the bouquet?


Apparently I have cat hair all over my shirt, plus some sort of stain I hadn't noticed. I should have worn my white lab coat.

It smells like Coke with coffee in it. Or possibly coffee with Coke in it. Sweet, but bitter. Like when a rabbit goes evil

For some cockamamie reason Jamie believes ice will somehow dilute the test. Well, being a man of science, The League decides to try both ways.


fizzy, but not threateningly fizzy


I decide it looks okay and smells weird. Like there's coffee in my Coke.


bottoms up! The first taste is always the hardest.


Longing for yesteryear...

Huh. The first sip is seriously weird. Lots of carbonation and a very sweet coffee flavor, like cold coffee with too much sugar in it. Not necessarily a bad thing. When I was five I used to sneak drinks of my mom's coffee when she wasn't looking. It tastes like that. At first.


Wha-huh..?

Wait. What the hell is that? Now it tastes like Coke. Sort of. I think I can still taste coffee, but I'm not sure. How can a liquid have more than one flavor? Clearly the makers of this drink are up to some serious mad science. I have no idea what I'm drinking.

I consult with Elongated Man, and he suggests I try some crushed ice before I make a verdict.


Not just embued with stretchy powers, Ralph is also a top notch detective.

At this point I'm not really clear on whether I should be drinking this stuff for breakfast, with a burger, smoking a cigarette to be hip (although I'm thinking a Kool is the sort of cigarette this soda deserves), or if it should be 4:00 AM, I'm delirious and no longer care what I drink. But a little ice can't hurt.


Chilly...


huh.


Is it Coke in my coffee?


Or Coffee in my Coke?

Either way, it's... I dunno.


The League, delighted to try out a soda and not wanting to barf. Sometimes it's the little things, Leaguers.

I can't figure out who thought this would be a big seller. It's coffee and Coke. If you're a fan of sweetened cold folgers and you love Coke, man, I may have a product for you. Otherwise, really, I can't imagine ever buying this stuff again. I'll probably finish the 4-pack it came in, but I expect this stuff will disappear faster than Crystal Pepsi.

Melbotis Mailbag

Well, you guys were supposed to get another taste test this evening, but Blogger is being weird and I can't seem to upload those all-too important photos.

So, a little bit early we're going to do something new. You guys sent in some questions and whatnot as part of the 2006 Melbotis Awards. We're going to re-route those e-mails to this new experiment: Melbotis Mailbag.

If you have questions or comments, send them on in. We'll do what we can to answer your every query.

Let's see here.

CrackBass asks: Why does the League obsess about Burger King and/or Jones Soda?

Well, Burger King fascinates me as it is the #2 or #3 fast food franchise, certainly well behind McDonalds, and yet BK seems to have better items on the menu than McD's. Note how every Leaguer had an opnion on what's worth chowing on at the BK, but I am guessing the reaction to a question about McDonald's would have met with disdain.

Plus, BK has a kick-ass mascot.

Not only is McDonald's food not considered to be as good, McDonalds has never had an entertaining commercial in it's storied history. Their mascot isn't even amusing. It's madness.

My fascination with Jones Soda's Holiday Feast? Well, it's soda supposedly flavored like items which were never meant to be had in soda form. How can you not want to at least see what these dudes were thinking? It's a sort of stupid thing to do, turning brussel sprouts into soda. And we at the League are always curious about the intentionally stupid.


All right... what else..

Nathan says: Why does the League obsess about how un-hip Chandler is? Of course it's un-hip, just like most of America! It can't all be Austin, LA, NYC, etc. I used to dog San Antonio all the time, but now it's home, and there's plenty of things I love and hate about the city.

Randy asks: Why does The League obsess about Austin. Stop living in the past, dude.

I felt these two questions were interrelated as they both tie into my dissatisfaction with my current geographic situation.

Why not Chandler, AZ? Well, there's nothing to do in Chandler. That's not to say there's nothing to do in Phoenix or Arizona. There's just nothing to do in Chandler, and, moreover, nobody to do it with.

I don't think that because Chandler is un-hip like the rest of America is a good reason to roll over and accept boredom as my fate. In fact, I think that's a fairly terrible idea. Why on earth would I compromise my idea of an ideal place to live because other people live to go to Target, buy minivans and play golf? I am not bagging on Phoenix (and I well could, but I don't). I'm bagging on Chandler because it's exactly the kind of suburban nightmare I always swore I would avoid winding up living in. I can't reiterate enough: there is absolutely nothing to do here. And nobody to do it with.

We live a forty five minute drive into town, for those of you keeping score at home. It's about thirty minutes just to get to Tempe.

Look, a big night on the town on Chandler is grabbing dinner (nothing wrong with that) and going to a movie. Again, nothing wrong with that. But after four years that wears a little thin. And doing much of anything else usually has significant dollar signs attached. Yeah, we went to rollerderby this weekend (an hour drive, btw), and are going to a Diamondbacks game this weekend (to see Nathan's Astros). Hopefully we can continue to find things to do outside of Chandler.

Four years in and the only people I know out here are my co-workers, and that's a mixing of business and pleasure which really doesn't work out so well. Especially when you have to be "the boss" again on Monday. And the few other folks we've met out here sort of ended up with kids. Sorry, new parents... you will abandon your childless friends. It's true. I think the childless couples are just creepy to the kids, anyway.

We're not completely blameless in the whole ordeal. Jamie and I tend to keep to ourselves sometimes.

On a different note: One big reason we're ofter seeking a return to the Lone Star state is that we're now far enough away from family that Jamie has a support structure of one (moi). I don't know how many of you have folks in your house who could need hospitalization at the drop of a hat, but after a while, you kind-of/sort-of wish that you were a car ride rather than a plane ride away from folks who would be all too happy to assist.

A LOT of people are always telling us to skip town and go see the desert, etc... And to be truthful, that's a little tough for us to do. At least for me. I always hate being more than an hour from Jamie's hospital unless we have parents or a working knowledge of an area (do you know where your ER is? The average wait times?).

So am I being misty-eyed about Austin? Probably. I did live there for most of my life, so I'm biased. And I'm also probably spoiled. I miss having non-chain restaurants to go to. I miss living four miles from work, working with my friends and having an endless array of opportunities every night of the week, all withing ten miles of the house. There's a pretty good reason Austin has the reputation it has, both good and bad.

Chandler does not have:
Any decent record shops
Barton Springs
Leslie
Alamo Drafthouse (or any independent cinema)
decent touring bands
decent local bands
coffee houses not crawling with seniors
Tex-Mex
Bar BQ
trees
seasons
decent bars
Spam-o-Rama (and dozens of other nonsensical events)
A great comic shop
Any of my terrific friends or family

I don't particularly feel the "hipster" attachment to Austin (I did move there when I was 10, after all). But I do think the lifestyle there in Austin was something I'd become accustomed to.

It's not about living in the past, team (and thanks for putting it in such a classy way, RHPT). It's about how you want to spend the rest of your life. I'm not ready to throw my hands in the air and decide the rest of my life should be reheated leftovers from Chili's and trips to the mall to buy sneakers. That's just not how we'd prefer to wind up here at The League.

Whoops. That wound up a little heavier than I intended the first Melbotis Mailbag to end up. I'm not really sure I completely answered your questions, but I gave it the old League of Melbotis try.

Feel free to send in questions. We'll see what we can do.

THE LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS GOES TO THE ROLLERDERBY

"Who doesn't like Pirates?" asks Jamie.

Yep. We're a little down about the conclusion of the A&E series "Rollergirls" here at League HQ.

However, thanks to the cleverly placed ad spots during the program and The League's ability to utilize Google, we located our local Rollerderby league to see what all this rollerderby we'd been seeing on TV was really like.

For $10.00 a pop, I figured it was better than spending money on "The Benchwarmers" and absolutely killing my Saturday night. That, and instead of bitching endlessly about how there's nothing to do in Chandler, we up and left Chandler for parts unknown.

So, for $23.00 (I got my tickets online ahead of time with a $1.50 service charge), we ventured forth to check out the April 8th bout of the AZ Rollerderby. The bout was between The Bruisers and the Surly Gurlies. Some debate was had ahead of time as to whether we should cheer for one team over another, followed by which team.

Jamie threw in immediately with the Pirate-themed Surly Gurlies before we'd left the house. I refused to take sides until we got to the match, assuming I'd pick a team before the end of the first half. Probably whomever was losing.

We finally located the much-advertised but never-before-seen Castles and Coasters on our way up the freeway, and also noticed a few other locations which had incorporated "Castle" into their name, not the least of which was "Castle Boutique" which welcomed "Lords and Ladies", leading the League to believe that perhaps the "Castle Boutique" was not a stop-off for kiddies on their way to the fun park.

The sports complex which held the derby also had a curious castle theme, although at least two to three miles away from the amusement park. We arrived half an hour early, said "hello" to some lady on skates in a sort of balloon-like costume, and wandered in to a fairly empty builidng. Live-music was provided by a sort of rock-a-billy/surf rock/punk group called (I think) "Grave Danger". The announcer's audio completely sucked, so I'm still not sure of the name of the band, but I am positive it was not "Great Naked", which is what I THOUGHT he said at first. I have decided that when Steanso and The League finally cut their first album, by GOD, that will be the name.

Upon arriving, I also immediately threw in with the Surly Gurlies. Two factors there. a) PIRATES!!! b) the aptly named "Brickhouse".

The arena was not as seen on Rollergirls. (The TXRD was using one of the spaces at Austin Studios/ aka Robert Mueller airport. Which means that the TXRD's "Thunderdome" may have been paid for by the producers of the show in order to make the program easier to produce.) Instead, AZRD uses an ice rink sans ice. Which basically means a flat, open surface with a taped-off track.

You may notice that NASCAR events are NOT on a flat surface, which keeps cars from flinging off the track at each turn. TXRD also has a concave surface in which to skate, which keeps the players on the track and also makes it plenty exciting as the players smack into the rail, etc.. Jamie pointed out that the pit in the center of the track for TXRD seemed a lot larger than AZRD. Could be. I'm not up to speed on regulation size for rollerderby tracks, but there was enough space left over that I would be uncertain as to why they would not utilize more space for the track if they wanted it.

Anyhoo, prior to the match I was a little concerned about how the players would stay on the track. Answer: the AZRD game appeared to be a bit slower than TXRD, and, yes, players did occasionally go zipping right off the track and into the audience. Which was alternately scary and funny. As I mentioned, it was a hockey rink. Jamie and I were firmly behind the glass, watching from some bar-stools.

Prior to the match, watching a dozen players circling the track to warm up had a pleasing fish-bowl effect. When I am a crazy billionaire super-villain, I shall always have a rollerderby track I can peer out onto from my oversized chair and watch rollerderby girls skating in circles.

Apparently the AZRD is also hitched to the hockey scoreboard in the sports complex. Instead of four fifteen minute quarters, we were treated to three twenty minute periods and two lengthy breaks during which "Grave Danger" would rock out and the many alterna-kids would dash outside for a smoke. We were very confused by the hockey-timing of the game and were getting up to go after the second period, but found it odd so few people were leaving.

The place was probably not sold-out, but it WAS fairly full. And there were a lot of kids. I spent part of teh first period talking to some kid named "Josh" who was probably ten and was clearly now a third wheel since his Scottsdale-y looking Mom had married "Paul". Poor Josh and I were trying to puzzle out the intricacies of the game and his mom kept turning around to tell him to "leave (me) alone". Honestly, Josh was figuring things out better than I was, so I was enjoying talking to him. Although I think he was more interested in the mechanics of the game than girls in pirate and nurse outfits on skates. Ah, youth.

Luckily with the cost of a ticket we received a small program explaining the rules. Which really helped, because the mechanics were slightly different at AZRD than what I'd seen of TXR, and while scoring seemed similar, I lost track of the "Jammer" a lot, and couldn't figure out when each "Jam" was ending.

Our pirate ladies got their asses handed to them, although they did come alive in the 3rd period. They suffered some nasty spills, alot more than the Bruisers, and the poor EMT really earned his dough dashing from girl to girl.

All in all, it was a fun night out. The next match is in May, so I'm hoping Jamie will be up to see the Surly Gurlies take on the Bad News Beaters.

One other thing: There was a fairly professional video crew with a multi-camera system set-up. I don't think it was for Season 2 of Rollergirls, but I am wondering if this isn't going to show on our local cable channels 7 or 9.

Apparently these teams are all over the place. You Leaguers should Google to see if there's a team in your neck of the woods.

Here's a page with an QT of some AZRD action. It, uh, loads automatically, so click at your own peril.

POLL POSITION

Here are the results of the last League of Melbotis User Poll

Unsurprisingly Powergirl drew in a lot of votes. Thanks Steanso, Reed-o and CrackBass.

Just so you know, Batman's partners tend to get killed and/ or are usually emotional trainwrecks after living in a cave with a zealot for a few years. They also are sometimes recruited by Checkmate (see the upcoming series by Greg Rucka starring OMAC Project's Sasha Bordeaux)






We've got a new poll up. Go nuts.

SUPERBOY REVERTS TO SIEGEL FAMILY

Okay. I wasn't going to post on this until I understood what was going on a little better. Jim and I have been kicking this around a bit today, and while I shared my concerns over the suit, I confessed that I had very little understanding of what was going on.

Jerry Siegel, co-creator of Superman with Joe Shuster, has passed. However, his widow and daughter have just secured rights to "Superboy" about 60 years after the character was first conceived and millions made from the idea.

My confusion came from my misunderstanding of Siegel's role at National Comics in the 1940's (taken from having misread Les Daniel's Superman: The Complete History).

Leave it to The Beat to clear things up in a way I can understand. Read here.

I'm a little concerned for the Superman franchise, but I see this as a win-win for for DC and the Siegels if everyone can just play ball nicely. The fact that Siegel was NOT work for hire at the time of his concept of Superboy came to print means that my concern about individual law suits chipping away at DC until it's no longer a viable company is probably not a huge issue. Hopefully the Siegels can come to see their legal adversaries as their publishing friends and wish to maintain the Superman legacy so everyone can make some dough.

That, and as of IC #6, this may all be a moot for a while, anyway.

3rd ANNIVERSARY of LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS

I should mention that sometime around March 31st 2003 The League of Melbotis leapt forth from my skull and into existence.

Jim D. and I were in the habit of sending each other vast e-mails, and he'd launched his own blog several months prior. It was upon his suggestion that I launched LoM.

The League almost didn't survive it's first week in existence as I got freaked out about having anything online that could be traced back to me.

Back then it was suggested that the blog was to be named "The Unbearable Lightness of Steans". A few other names were tossed about, but I had sort of thought at the time that League of Melbotis suggested a sort of team or community feel, and Melbotis makes a great mascot and avatar for the sort of nonsense we'd be covering.

Things were perhaps a little racier around here at first. And political whatnot was included in the tense weeks leading up to war. There was also a circle of blogs that constantly cross-referenced one another, and usually it was pretty friendly. Of those, Jim D's site is occassionally maintained and Maxwell's site is still in existence, if not as routinely maintained. Molly disappeared into the Japanese wilderness. RHPT finally gave in to his crippling sense of self-doubt regarding his own blog and now haunts my comments section and e-mail box.

Later on Steanso dipped a tow into the blog-o-sphere, and it's been an interesting ride watching him be fruity on his site.

We started with no images, no comments and an orange and green color scheme. I have no idea what I was thinking. Google bought blogger and made a lot of changes that I still haven't figured out how to adapt to my site (Picasa and setting up an RSS feed remain a bit of a mystery).

Leaguers have come, Leaguers have gone. Where is Anne Francis? Madi H.? Brenda? Shoemaker? Molly?

I always assume people got bored or offended. It's so hard to keep track.

Content has changed. I'm consciously avoiding any public printed statements of political convictions these days, though I may slip from time to time. I learned that despite the overarching comic-theme of the League, folks were just as happy when I moved all that on over to Nanostalgia.com. I dunno. We are what we are, I guess. I wish Jamie would post more. She's really a good writer and funny. Ah, well.

We've no real recollection as to why we decided to begin to use "The League" as our pseudonym, epsecially when everyone knows our real name. Or why we use the royal "we" as often as possible. Or why we switch randomly back and forth between third and first person. I've heard it makes the site difficult to get used to. C'est la vie.

And the contests? Remember the glorious contests? They died out for a while, but the Mellies brought them back with a vengeance.

I now see The League of Melbotis as:
1) A tiny little space where folks can pop in to kill some time
2) My attempt to get people a little interested in comics
3) A place for folks who like any of the following: robots, space ships, monkeys, pirates or superheroes
4) Probably something else, but I have no idea.

Anyway, we hope it's been enjoyable for you Leaguers who have stuck around. We're not going anywhere for the foreseeable future. I hope you guys find something to amuse you as you drift in.

If you're lurking and not speaking up, howdy and thanks to you, too. Feel free to e-mail me any time. We'd love to hear from you.

If you've been hanging around for a while and I haven't educated you on comics or perhaps even raised your interest, well, then I've completely failed in one aspect of my mission. But I'm going to keep trying.

THE GRAND FINALE
sort of...

I'm going to try to wrap this up tonight. Let's see if we can't finish this thing. In order to mix things up, let's mix and match questions 13 and 14. Will we see any discernable pattern here? Most likely, no.

Still, not only does this give me an excuse to wrap things up, but it also gives for an interesting view of all of our Leaguers. Read into it what you will.

Question 13:

I'm no astrologist, but I love the planets. If I could dedicate myself to studying but one planet, it would be

and

Question 14:

I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character

Eric Nordtrom:

13) Venus.
14) I would have to say Captain Caveman. Don't know why.

Tamara:
13) Is Venus too corny? Is Planet X too hip?
14) Atom Ant--tiny but uncannily strong . . . and totally willing to have my style nicked by future generations of hipsters.

Or, when I'm feeling a bit less self-indulgent: Curly from the Harlem Globetrotters series. The combination of his moniker, 'Curly,' and his plainly bald head reveal a keen sense of irony. Yea, irony. And I've got a pretty prominent cranium myself.


Natalie:
13) Hello? Mars! That's where men come from, right?
14) Penelope Pitstop -- I am always in one mess after another, but come out (mostly) unscathed each time.

Jim D.:
13) Earth. There's always something interesting there, though perhaps not on my part of it.

If pressed, I'd say Pluto, as there is some fierce debate about whether Pluto is indeed a planet (as it does not appear to meet whatever the formal definition of "planet" is). It seems, though, that since the great majority of the populace considers Pluto to be a planet (from their early schooling and memorization of the planets in our solar system), there are those who say that it must remain classified as a planet (since we have always considered it to be such). Who would have thought that a planet could have an identity crisis?

14) Reed Richards. Clearly, RHPT is Space Ghost and The League is Lex Luthor.


Ryan V.:
13) Earth. Yep. Predictable.
14) Astro from the Jetsons.

Peabo:
13) Seriously….is this a question ? They’re PLANETS. They are giant, uninhabitable, non-life yielding, gas filled/covered rocks. A more interesting question would be name your favorite piece of corn in your stool.
14) Although I always felt Shaggy was a kindred spirit (we both liked dogs and eating), I don’t think I’ve ever said the word zoinks. The kids in the youth group at church used to tell me I reminded them of Johnny Bravo. So I will trust their judgment even though I’ve never seen a Johnny Bravo episode.


Denise:
13) -Dunno…K-PAX.
14) -Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory. I wear a white coat and like science.


RHPT:
13) Saturn or Jupiter. I read once that if you could find an ocean big enough, Saturn would float, and Jupiter's Great Red Spot is a perpetual storm larger than Earth.
14) X The Eliminator, the version on Harvey Birdman, Attorney-at-law.

Nathan:
13) Jupiter (and its moons)
14) I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character: I do not have an answer, since I think I relate more to Donald Duck than any Hanna-Barbera character. Are there any Donald-like HB characters? (editor's note: Nothing comes to mind. Yakky Doodle?)


Social Bobcat:
13) we're supposed to say Uranus, right?
14) Shaggy - someone said if i had a green t-shirt and bell-bottomed orange pants i could pass for him at Halloween


Maxwell:
13) Mars. Just kidding. Uranus.
14) Velma Dinkley. I wear a lot of orange.


Harms:
13) The planet I like most is Jupiter. So massive, so proto-stellar, so gassy.

And it has that cool whirling eye - a gigantic hurricane, that's so cool.

And saying "hurricane" gives me one more chance to say: "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."

And remind you that the man who said that is a boob.

14) Hair Bear of course. Despite being locked up in a zoo, I generally find my way into mischief anyways.


Steanso:
13) Dagobah
14) I'm most like Gloop from the Herculoids. No, wait. Maybe I'm more like Gleep....


CrackBass:
13) Neptune – looks so cool in the books, all that blue and green. Plus, in the OUR UNIVERSE books from National Geographic, the “possible life forms were pretty cool (although the fire breathing creatures from Mercury were a close second.)
14) I’d love to be one of the Herculoids, but I’m probably more like Snagglepuss…

Reed-o:
13) Saturn. Big planet, plenty of satellites, and of course those awesome rings.

By the way, don't you mean I'm no astronomer? Otherwise, wouldn't we be dedicating ourselves to the study of one astrological sign?
14) No idea. Haven't watched the Jetsons, Yogi, Tom and Jerry in awhile, and I don't think I'm like any of the Scooby Doo characters. Maybe the League should tell me what HB cartoon character I'm most like.
;-)
(editor's note: Muttley)


D. Loyd:
13) Jupiter. Much to learn
14) Top Cat


Jamie:
13) Jupiter, because it is huge!
14) I am Boo-Boo to Ryan's Yogi.


The League:
13) Mars. Because one day I shall live there.
14) I was going to say QuickDraw McGraw, but I think Jamie probably hit the nail on the head. Probably Yogi. Because of the Pic-a-nic baskets and my uneasy relationship with Park Rangers.
Professionally, I may be most like SGC2C's Moltar.


RESULTS:

Let's see here. We've got 5 for Jupiter, 2 for Mars, 2 for Venus and 2 for my anus. Well done, Leaguers.

Ah, there's Peabo, once again overwhelmed with the majesty of the universe The Lord has made for him. Peabo's getting the "boo" on this one big time. It's not just the response he gave, it's also that when we were Freshman Peabo was taking a "self-paced" astronomy course and didn't get a score he liked on his exam. In challenging his instructor Peabo informed his instructor he could "write his own" astronomy text. He did not get his grade curved.

Apparently his knowledge of the cosmos is so great he now feels the topic is no longer of interest.

Oh, and Leaguers, quadruple points to Reed-o for picking up my time bomb. An astrologist uses a "horoscope." An astronomer uses a "telescope". I can't believe only Reed-o noticed that. You guys gotta stay on your toes.

No points can be awarded for naming your likeness after a Hanna-Barbera character.

Notes of interest: Nathan DIDN'T compare himself to Shaggy? I... I don't even know how to reconcile that in my mind.

Peabo IS quite a bit like Johnny Bravo.

I have no idea what to make of Jamie being my small, male friend. Yogi has a girlfriend, Cindy. But apparently she thinks my little partner in crime, and, possibly, my whispering conscience.

That said, she's way more like Jan from Space Ghost.

Jim loses points for (a) using a licensed Marvel property once animated by Hanna-Barbera (b) listing me as Luthor. Clearly Jim D. was hopped up on goofballs when putting his list together. (c) Imagining a world which contains Reed Richards, Space Ghost and Luthor. It's madness.

Well, that's it! Hope you enjoyed. I'm taking a break for a day or two, and then I'll write a few final thoughts.

THE TRIUMPHANT TWELFTH QUESTION

AKA: LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS READING LIST

Wow. Getting down to the end here.

Books. Page after page of words and words. Words combine to form meaning, and, with a little syntax and whatnot, you get a thought. Thoughts are usually expressed in a sentence. Piles and piles of sentences all listed one after another make paragraphs. Sometimes all of these tie together, they put it on paper, glue the pieces of paper together, and, voila... a book.

The League mostly reads comics and pornography, but occassionally we'll pick up a novel or work of non-fiction. Usually we won't read enough books. This year I asked for some reading tips and Peabo suggested "Confederates in the Attic" which was an excellent read. I totally recommend it.

So I figured, "Hey, Peabo's barely literate. If he can suggest a decent book, so can other Leaguers." Now is your chance.

Anyhoo... What are YOU reading? And won't you share a book with me?

Question 12:

If I could force you to read but one book, it would be

Eric Nordtrom: Fast Food Nation.

Tamara: The Thanatos Syndrome by Walker Percy--so germane to current debates regarding quality of life vs. value of life . . . and the source ofthe text of one of my tattoos, viz. "Tenderness leads to the gaschambers."

Natalie: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (which came out in 2004, but I didn't read it until 2005)

Jim D.: I would force you to read my standard favorites, including anything by Fitzgerald or Hemingway, and of course, The Edge of Sadness by Edwin O'Connor and/or the wonderfully melancholy The Clown by Heinrich Boll. (What does it say about me that I recommend one book with the worth "sadness" in its title and another which I characterize as "wonderfully melancholy"? Yikes.).

Ryan V.: Too hard. So many. Recently, I’ve been pretty blown away with “The Kite Runner,” which I’m 3/4 of the way finished.

Peabo: The gospel of John

Denise: Anything that would make you lean a little less to the left. Will send you the works of George Will in the mail as training wheels.

RHPT: Self-Made Man by Norah Vincent

Nathan: For a Future to be Possible, Thich Nhat Hanh

Social Bobcat: Catch 22 - black wartime humor at its finest

Maxwell: Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser. Fast food is evil. Except for the King. He's dreamy.

Harms: _Snow Crash_ by Neal Stephenson or any of his Baroque cycle books. I realize they are far too long to be easily recommended, but they are full of buckles a-swash and derring-do (and tawdry, ribald sex).

If you want "literature" I liked Ann Patchett's _Bel Canto_.

Steanso: The Necronomicon

CrackBass: Franny and Zooey –JD Salinger. Though I’ve never heard any confirmation, I think it was a major influence of The Royal Tennenbaums. (editor's note: If it wasn't, I'll eat my hat)

Reed-o: Drumming at the Edge of Magic: A Journey into the Spirit of Percussion by Mickey Hart, Jay Stevens, Fredric Lieberman

D. Loyd: Ender's Game, though I detest the author's politics.

Jamie: A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson. Unlike any bookI've read, this nonfiction account of Bryson's attemptto hike the entire Appalacian trail with his extremelyout of shape hiking partner casts brilliant imagery,is informative, and at times hilarious.

The League: Go, Dog, Go! Very compelling. Where ARE those dogs going in their cars?

THE RESULTS:

This is going to e a bit different tonight. I'm going to address books more than people.

Two of you mentioned "Fast Food Nation". I read quite a bit of non-fiction, and others have recommended the book. Maybe now is the time.

Books I have read from this list:

The Book of John
Franny and Zooey

Denise, I've read George's column in Newsweek since high school. And here I sit. The last book I read which tried to sway me from my wild-eyed a-political ways was Sowell's "Visions of the Annointed". That book probably did more to convince me that a single-minded view to political matters is not for me than any other single experience.

I've heard of "Ender's Game". Never read it. Orson Scott Card is currently responsible for "Ultimate Iron Man" by the way. For Sci-Fi I mostly read Asimov and Bradbury, 'cause that's how we roll at The League of Melbotis.

I do confess that Snow Crash has been on my list for about ten years. Or whenever it was I read "The Diamond Age". I picked up the Necronomicon or whatever it was called, but didn't make it past page 40. It was simply too daunting and I wasn't sure I liked it at page 40.

Likewise, Catch-22 has been in my hand a number of times at the book store. Somehow it never makes it to the register. Maybe now?

If anything here sounds interesting, let us know if you decide to pick it up.

I dunno. I got nothing.

All I know is that none of these books will compare to my novel when it comes out. Do you want to hear about it? Well, okay... It's about a.. hey! HEY! Where are you going? This is a website. You can't wander off from a website!

Dammit.

RIP Ann "Banana Nose" Calvello - Queen of Rollerderby

As you may know, The League has become quite a fan of the A&E television program "Rollergirls". The show features the ladies of Texas Rollerderby, AKA Lonestar Rollergirls.

One very special episode featured a trip by a few memebers of TXRD to meet with Rollerderby legend Ann Calvello, for whom TXRD had named their trophy "The Calvello Cup".

Anyhoo, Ann Calvello seemed like a heck of a lady, and she passed in mid-March.
You can read her obit here.

It's Catch up time with D. Loyd

D. Loyd had some other stuff going on and couldn't get his Mellie Noms in during the suggested timeline.

That's cool. We can help a Leaguer out. I promised to post his answers that had not yet seen the light of day. They just don't earn any points.

Yes, the eleventh question is somewhere below. Keep scrolling when you get to the end.

Anyhoo, kudos to D. Loyd. He got his questions in. He just did it sort of late.

1) The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane Kevin Bauch of "The Thirsty Traveler". How a guy can be such an annoying jerk and STILL have the best job in the world totally escapes me.

2) Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release) Brokeback Mountain. It's a great movie, but when has greatness motivated hollywood?

3) Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song Ok, Flamesuit on, but I still can't get Radiohead. Someone help me out?

4) You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? Ski School

I... Radiohead..? Really? That's okay. I don't get like 98% of the stuff out there. Like what Faustian deal led to Aerosmith not only having a coming back on the back of a rap group, but maintained that popularity for like 15 years afterward.? Or Fitty Sent. Or Kelly Clarkson. Or Kenny Chesney. Or...

Anyhow, thanks for helping out D. Loyd.

Ya'll go to town on D. Loyd.

The Elusive Eleventh Question

The King. My earliest memories of the place include collector's glasses of some 70's era pop-culture phenomena. Possibly Superman and/ or King Kong.

Years later Steanso would demonstrate exactly what happens when you breathe in too much helium and too little oxygen off the helium tank with the King's head attached to it. He went down like a sack of potatos, Leaguers. Later, it would also be the first place he would lock his keys in his bitchin' Camaro.

I loves me some BK, when I'm in the mood for greasy food. So, tonight, a tribute to BK.

Question 11:

Best item at Burger King

Eric Nordtrom: The free bullets at the one around the corner from our new house.

Tamara: Chicken Tenders with Zesty Onion Ring Sauce. Get over your pressed-meat fears and embrace the batter-dipped, oddly-spongey goodness of the King!

Natalie: It has to be the little crown-shaped chicken nuggets. You can't go wrong with food in shapes.

Jim D.: There's nothing quite like a flame broiled Whopper, although for those of us who live in Beaumont, there was no local Burger King for quite some time. Apparently, whoever owned the local BK joints abandoned them, and for several years, they lay dormant here in our fair city. They were empty shells, waiting for the chance to reopen. It was not until recently that they did finally open their doors, although I have not visited.

I bet you thought I was going to say chicken fries.

Ryan V: The Whopper.

Peabo: Burger bundles (no longer served). Tiny but tasty.

Denise: -Whopper Jr. No mayo.

RHPT: None. Every time I go there, I end up with a nasty tummy ache for three days.

Nathan: The actually have really good onion rings, which are not really made from round onions, but kind of this onion mash that is formed into a ring and deep-fried.

Social Bobcat: -Classic Whopper, flame-broiled baby!

Maxwell: The King. He's so strong and silent.

Harms: Double cheeseburger. Big, but not too big. Tasty, and then another hit of
tasty.

Steanso: triple whopper. You don't buy it. You rent it.

CrackBass: French toast sticks., but didn’t they used to have something with some frosting? Mini-cinnamon rolls. Those were better.

Reed-o: Coca-Cola

D. Loyd: Chicken Fries.

Jamie: This item is no longer being offered, but Burger Buddies! Not only were they cute, they were the perfect amount of food.

The League: I have to go with the double-whopper with cheese. Yes, it leaves a mess, but is any other fast food burger as flame broiled and delicious? The answer: No. But Wendy's does pretty well, too.

THE RESULTS

The Whopper (aka - The Wooper) is a favorite. How can that be a surprise? It's the bedrock of the BK Castle.

Two of you (Peabo and Jamie) selected the same discontinued item. I might add, restaurants are now serving tiny burgers called "Sliders". You should look into them. That may be a West Coast thing. I don't know.

D. Loyd loses 5 points for his mad appreciation of Chicken Fries. THey are not welcome here at The League.

Reed-o gets the "Boo" for picking a Coke and a Smile. C'mon, Reed... you must be eating something on the menu. I refuse to believe between your friendships with Steanso and Griegor that you don't occasionally pop into BK.

The "?" goes out to RHPT who might want to see a doctor about that.

Nathan gets double points for bravery for knowing what's in an onion ring and STILL praising it.
Nat and Tamara are the crown-nugget fiends, which I find hilarious. Crown-shaped chicken. Must investigate...

Steanso... ah... hmmm... you're on your own, Hoss.

Eric needs to move.

And Maxwell gets the most points of the night for redefining how I view her sexuality with a few simple words.


S-E-X-X-X-Y

MADMAN OR GENIUS...?

Why has this man threatened to punch The League in the face?

And why, with the other movies in his cue, is he also planning to watch "Saw 2"? Does this mean he found "Saw" entertaining enough to come back for a second round?

Hmmm...

UPDATES AND WHATNOT

Hello, Leaguers. Hope all is well.

Well, I haven't been doing much lately in the way of blogging. I mean, actually maintaining a web-based log of my thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and minutia which consumes my waking moments.

You may notice that I have added some items regarding the upcoming release of the WB feature film "Superman Returns" to the left hand menu. Yes, the menu bar is looking like a rubbish sale, but those were the elements provided by WB as part of their "Webmaster" program. Sadly, I am totally awful with code of any kind, so what you see if what you get. This stuff will go away after the release of the movie (June 30th!)

You may also notice the poll I put up. Please participate if you have time. It's free. If you have no opinion... well, may God have mercy on your soul.

We should be wrapping up questions 11- 14 in short order.

The four League-centric survey questions which were asked may or may not be covered. I'm still trying to decide if those will be used for quality control or if we'll be blogging your actual responses. And, if so, how...? After all, I did ask what you wanted covered. Do I actually cover what you asked? Hmmm...

I do confess to some weariness with the Mellies. A lot of it has to do with my utter lack of preparation. More importantly, way more people responded that I expected. Each post each night takes about an hour of cutting, pasting, formatting, coming up with my own responses, coming up with an intro and, finally, the Results.

Yeah, an hour.

So right now I've logged somewhere around 12- 15 hours on this, including coming up with questions, responding to e-mails, etc... If The League should be sending anyone a gift for participating, it's The League. And maybe Mel and Lucy for hanging out with me while I work on my posts.

It's actually been a bit of fun, and we got through the post I was most concerned about causing a stir without too much fuss. Thank you, politically minded-folk, for staying your hands and tongues. You guys made it fun by sharing a lot about yourselves, and I think, despite the fact that I haven't met a lot of you, I'm getting to know you. All of, with the obvious exception of RHPT, seem like people with whom I'd want to split a pitcher.

I hope you guys are enjoying all of this. If not, I'm quitting. I could be using all of this time talking about the greatness of Superman.

Anyway, here's a picture of Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman. I've been watching the Wonder Woman Season 1 DVD set. I've got Wonder Woman on the brain.

THE TOP-DRAWER TENTH QUESTION

Time Travel. It's completely impossible (sorry Star Trek), and the very concept drives Jim D. into a mad frenzy for reasons he will actually go into all on his own. Yet film after film and cheap paperback after cheap paperback and an endless flood of comics and Twilight Zone episodes dwell on the possibility of "yeah, but what if...?" Plus, Jim kept bugging me about a time travel paradox question and some book he'd just read while I was working on my list.

So, we at The League of Melbotis, felt a time-travel question was a good one to ask Loyal Leaguers. After all, you all seem like a mass of insecurity and regret. But you can't really do this right without giving people a chance to change both themself and the world.

On to the question...

Question 10:

If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level

Eric Nordtrom:

--in my personal life
I wouldn't have allowed that thief to get ahold of my debit card number.
--on a more macrocosmic level
I'd have gone back to the Sunday before the levees broke, and chartered a convoy of buses to take everyone from New Orleans to ...
Ohio.


Tamara:

--in my personal life:

Switch actual LSAT score with best practice LSAT score. Come to think of it: Switch out actual day-to-day life generally with best practice day-to-day life.

--on a more macrocosmic level:

(editor's note: no answer)


Natalie:

--in my personal life: My marriage, but I truly believe it was unfixable (if that's a word).
--on a more macrocosmic level: The evacuation plan for New Orleans -- they should have bussed people out BEFORE the hurricane not after.

Jim D.:

First off, I don't believe you can use time travel to go back and "fix" anything. This is what irks me about time travel fiction in film and books. For the literary theory of time travel to be consistent, the time traveler can only play a role (known or more likely, unknown) in bringing about that which is already happened. He or she may attempt to change things or to bring about a different history, but whatever he or she does, he or she will only influence history in a way that will bring about the history we already know. So, on that level, this question is moot. But I don't think The League was seeking quite a nerdy objection to its question, so I must proceed.

--in my personal life

I doubt there is anything "this year" that I would go back and change. Really, any ripple effect from a temporal change would need to begin at least several years ago, as my life has been mostly the same for quite some time. I might go back to the summer of 1998 and tell myself to accept the job in Manhattan. I wonder how my life would have ended up if I had taken that job. Would I still be in NYC? Would I have ever gone to law school? If so, would I have gone to Baylor? What would I be doing now? Where would I be? Would you be reading this right now? Would the Mellies exist? Would the League's site? I might go back to 1994 and tell myself to study abroad (or at least, study more at home).

--on a more macrocosmic level

I don't know if I would want the responsibility of changing something on the macrocosmic level. I suppose the proper answer is to warn of or attempt to prevent some type of disaster or attack. I don't know what I would do. I would probably just prevent George Lucas from making (or remaking or reworking or redoing) any film after Empire Strikes Back). Sure, we would lose Indy, but I'm comfortable with that, especially since they are soon to ruin that franchise with a new sequel (and the second and third installments weren't that good to begin with, anyway).


Ryan V.:

--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level

I have no regrets. Or at least I’m not admitting them on my public blog.


Peabo:

--in my personal life
Never make someone who has done nothing to prove his value a partner in your firm.

--on a more macrocosmic level
I might have told that guy to hold off on the cartoon of Mohammed. Not that I have a problem with it in any way, but lots of people died. Over a cartoon. A cartoon. But military action is not the way to resolve problems, we should really get the angry cartoon killers back at the negotiating table. I’m sure there is a lot of fruitful discussion to be had with people who advocate the wholesale destruction of another nation and deny the Holocaust ever happened. These people clearly have the mindset to reach a compromise and a roadmap to peace.


Denise:

-None come to mind. I might not be the same person if I changed past events. You know….don’t mess with the whole “space-time continuum”

RHPT:

• in my personal life

Clearly I would fix my failure to win a single Powerball drawing.

• on a more macrocosmic level

Hurricane Katrina. I don't know how, but that's what I would fix.

Nathan:
--in my personal life: I'd eat better.
--on a more macrocosmic level: I'd help evacuate people from New Orleans sooner.

Social Bobcat:

--in my personal life
-would have called my grandfather on his birthday

--on a more macrocosmic level
-would have called my grandfather on his birthday to tell him that i'd just won a million dollars on sports gambling in Vegas


Maxwell:

--in my personal life:
I had an interview at a network and I was offered coffee and I took it and I was drinking my coffee in the interview and I missed my mouth in the interview and spilled the coffee on myself. And uh. I wouldn't do that.

--on a more macrocosmic level:
More recycling.


Harms:
--in my personal life
My personal life has never been better. I'm in love with my girlfriend and think she's the best girlfriend ever.

--on a more macrocosmic level
I'd like to record every failure of communication within all levels of government in terms of Katrina. I'd like to show this to the world as a demonstration of why great companies fail and why a "CEO president" is something we should run away from, fast.


Steanso:

personal- go back in time and get out of my old job much sooner. I kept working there in the hopes that things would get better, but they just got worse and worse and finally I got laid off.

macrocosmic- I'd go back and warn those New Orleanians that Hurricane Katrina was bringing her own little judgement day along with her.


CrackBass:

--in my personal life: quit old job sooner, taken more time off in between old and new jobs
--on a more macrocosmic level:
eliminate dick cheney and or karl rove

Reed-o:
--in my personal life

Valentine's Day 2006 (don't even ask; let's just say I screwed up on this day for the first time in the 13 years that we have been going out / married)

And if I could go back farther than this year, the Wilson Festivus 2004 party

--on a more macrocosmic level

I can't even began to narrow this down. It would be any number of the rotten things that our government has done to the world and it's own citizens over the past year. I would do everthing in my power to stop it. I don't have any more time to pick out one specific thing (sorry, it's 12:30 CST on March 15th).

D. Loyd: Too early to say.
--in my personal life. Family issues.
--on a more macrocosmic level. Aliens!

Jamie:
Personal - I would have gone to my plasmapheresis treatments more often. Maybe I wouldn't be on dialysis now if I had.

Macrocosmic - I would have evacuated everyone from the New Orleans/Gulf Coast area and have improved the levees to handle a category 5 hurricane. This is all prior to Katrina, of course.

The League:

Personal - I would not have shot that man in Reno just to watch him die.

ah, heck... I would probably not have spent each and every weekend watching VH1. I probably would have tried to make something of my life. Whoops. Too late.

Also, probably should have tried to train Lucy at some point.

MacroCosmic - Stopped Galactus, Eater of Planets, from destroying Marklarr VII, home of a crystalline intelligence unlike any known in the 4 quadrants of the Faizuul Nebula.

Also, maybe, done some Paul Revere work to try to save New Orleans and/ or the residents.


RESULTS:

How do some of you have no regrets from the past year? Jesus. That's some serious confidence. Or something.

I think we're agreed that Katrina blew chunks. As well as Rita (sorry about all that displacement, Jim D.).

Mr. Bobcat gets special points for maybe winning a million dollars (I have some great investment opportunities if you're looking to make a lot of money in the Arizona Ocean-Front Property business. Actually, that's the plot to Superman I, isn't it?).

For a guy who actually was kicked out of his home for a few weeks by a natural disaster, Jim D. remains philosophical. However, he was a Rita victim and probably knew to get the hell out of the way.

Harms probably meant to be darling, but I've noticed his girlfriend is now in every answer. I may need to start making fun of you now.

Tamara gets triple points for the "LSAT" response.

Nat, didn't know about the divorce. The guy was a bastard and you're better off without him. Now, if you're looking to start over and are looking for a guy who is a lot like, uh... Chewbacca... may I suggest Steanso..? He's a unique fixer-upper-opportunity.

Peabo, I just want to know how you would phrase it to the Danish cartoonist that their doodle was going to lead to dozens to deaths and weeks of rioting without making him think you were some sort of loony doomsday prophet.

Jamie's medical history isn't much to snicker about, and we're really not sure if extra pheresis would have helped. To be truthful, she seemed to be getting sick from the treatments for a while there, so I dunno what I would have done differently. Last year sucked.

I can also say that, if I knew more than five of you were going to respond, my list of questions would have been a lot shorter. Getting these results up has officially turned into work. When was the last time I had a normal post? Ah, hell... you monkeys probably are enjoying this more than the usual Superman-related post.