Calling all Leaguers!

Melbotis (Mel-boh-dis) Perkins is a 116 lb. golden retriever dedicated to Truth, Justice and the American Way.

The League of Melbotis welcomes all likeminded individuals willing to use their unique abilities for the betterment of mankind.

Comics, superheroes, giant robots, doggies, space ships, movies, personal journal, schadenfreude.

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    Items of import:
  • Nanostalgia: Collaborative Media Review
  • Melbotis Store! Melbotis items at CafePress
  • Phoenix Suns
  • University of Texas Football

  • Leaguers:
  • Dedman's site
  • Cowgirl Funk
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  • Steven G. Harms
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  • Natalie

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  • Some sites worth looking into:
  • Arizona Rollerderby
  • Dames in the Media The League Once Dug
  • Suggestions for Further Reading
  • Why Superman?
  • Texas Public Radio
  • Lunchtime with The League
  • Eddie Johnson's Jump Shot Club
  • Lileks
  • retroCRUSH

  • Blogs taken at the suggestion of others:
  • Mr. Jones
  • NFL Draft Review
  • The Black Table
  • Hammer!


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    The League Totally $@%*ing Sells Out!

    Are You HOT or NOT?

    Saturday, March 25, 2006  
    Jamie turns 31

    It's March 25th, which means that we stand on the eve of Peabo's birthday.

    It ALSO means that Jamie turns 31 today. In our house, we celebrate birthdays.

    flowers and a balloon for the birthday girl

    As youc an imagine, much of the celebrating took place while Jamie's parents, my parents and D&K were here. So today has been low-key.

    First off was a trip to secure Jamie's birthday donuts, followed by consumption of donuts.

    Around 12:00 we headed to Chandler Lanes for some bowling.

    My first game in five years I bowled a 133. Not bad if I say so myself. Then I bowled a 95. Jamie bowled over 100 in both games. I loves the bowling, but it's kind of an odd thing to do with just two people and a lack of booze to keep your heand steady.

    This afternoon I made a cake.

    a birthday cake for a birthday girl

    Jamie supplements her first piece of cake with a small addition

    All in all, so far, a nice day. Yes, UT lost their game, but we're in a pretty good mood here, anyway. We will soon head for a local Thai restaurant, where I shall order a delicious soup.

    Jamie and Lucy enjoy some sunshine. Mel is unpictured as he is retrieving a ball.

    Happy birthday, sweetie-pie.

    if you look closely, you can see Jeff on the floor enjoying a sunbeam

    6:01 PM |

    Thursday, March 23, 2006  

    People, or more specifically RHPT, keep asking me to discuss "Snakes on a Plane".

    I don't actually know anything about "Snakes on a Plane" other than that the title sums up the premise, it stars Samuel L. Jackson, and it's become this weird internt virus thingy.

    And, @#$% yeah I'm going to see this movie when it comes out. Snakes on a Plane? Heck, yeah.

    For more on "Snakes on a Plane", visit the official "Snakes on a Plane" site here.

    11:46 PM |

    Sports Stuff

    Amare's back. He scored 20 points and 9 rebounds in his first game of the NBA season.

    One other nice touch... The Suns beat the Trailblazers 125-108.

    And.... Duke lost. Peabo is in the corner rocking himself and weeping.

    10:48 PM |

    The Fabulous Fifth Question

    Tamara is the only intelligent contestant, but that means she also won't win this category. Sorry, doll.

    Here we discuss TV. We know that 99% of programming is dumb. Even the ridiculous crud they show during the PBS telethons is 78% unwatchable hoo-hah. What's really sad is that TV, when launched, was seen as the great equalizer, allowing anyone to have access to information, anytime, anywhere. Instead, we filled our laughing box with Milton Berle in a dress, lit up the Osmonds, gave Geraldo Rivera a platform and wound up with a show called Temptation Island.

    We should all be eradicated like cockroaches.


    Question #5: It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away

    Eric Nordtrom: Dancing with the Stars.

    Tamara: Once again, yer movin' pitcher box makes me skeered!

    Natalie: Any Houston Texans football game.

    Jim D.: This is a tough one. I'd have to say American Idol, which I can't stop watching. I really can't. I probably need help. Someone help me.

    Ryan V.: I donít know if itís bad, per se, but I love Nip/Tuck. And, like Jimbo, I still tune in to watch American Idol (though I DVR it and usually cover an episode in 1/4 of the time).

    Peabo: Nanny 911. It is pure greatness. Some of these kids run the household. Kids like that are the reasons sweatshops were invented.

    Denise: Project Runway. I canít help myself. I like watching gay men in catfights.

    RHPT: Drawn Together. It's incredibly vulgar and offensive, but I am compelled to watch anything animated. A close second would be Alias. The show stopped being good long ago, but I'm a creature of habit.

    Nathan: The closest thing I can think of is "Dancing with the Stars," which made me smile-a-plenty.

    Social Bobcat: Deal or No Deal - it's fun to watch the contestants and their families slowly lose their grip on reasonableness and statistics

    Maxwell: Project Runway. Don't look so shocked, Andrae.

    Harms: I have so little time I have virtually no time for TV, let alone bad.

    Steanso: Wife Swap. When goat-blood-drinking Wiccan high priestesses are mixed with the families of fanatically conservative Bible thumping fundamentalists, comedy gold is bound to ensue.

    CrackBass: American Idol. I hate it, but I watch for the train wreck. And I feel like a stupid American that I hate when I do so.

    Reed-o: Texas A&M football (editor's note: Knowing Reed the way I do, this made me cry a little bit. Poor little fella.)

    D. Loyd: The first weeks of Idol.

    Jamie: American Idol. I think I've missed maybe 2 episodes throughout it's entire run. I *know* it's terrible but I can't stop!

    The League: This question was inspired by the fact that I wrote these questions while watching a DVR'd Flavor of Love. Many of you will say that DVR has saved you from the floatsam and jetsam of the TV landscape. At The League of Melbotis, it has done nothing but make bad TV all the more convenient.

    Yes, it's exactly the same formula as ABC's The Bachelor, but who cares about former cheerleaders who all look like JC Penney's catalog underwear models trying to justify their banality and pursuing the guy from the sport coats section of the Kohl's catalog?

    Leaguers, I submit to you... How can I go wrong watching ex-crackhead and hype-man Flava Flav as he is woo'ed by 20 LA dwelling reality TV show bottomfeeders? Flav is not but a 13-year old in a 46 year old man's body. What to do when presented with so many women fighting for your attention? I'll tell you what you do. You repeatedly shout your own name and demand that the girls be "real."

    That "New York" chick was also a total bitch.


    What is that, four or five for American Idol and a few for Dancing with the Stars and Project Runway?

    American Idol seems to be an odds-on favorite, and given its ratings, I am not surprised a few of you confessed to giving into the addictive quality of the program. You'll note Jamie watches the show, which means The League must suffer through as well. And I'll tell you something, Leaguers: That Ace guy needs a cock punching.

    The formula is simple, the drama is simple and gripping. You can even miss a week and pop right back in, learning instantly waht you missed at the beginning of the next week's episodes. Randy and Paula may be remarkable entertainers and/ or musicians, but they are lackluster judges. We all know it's Simon, who says what we're all thinking anyway, who runs that show.

    Anyhoo, I can, and frequently do, look away. My recommendation? Listen to Ryan V. The show is about 40% commercials and another 45% filler. DVR the show and then watch before voting time is over. You'll miss Randy's prattling and Paula's drugged-out monologues. Listen to the singer and then Simon and then stand in judgment. This formula has kept our marriage alive.

    That said, it is a crap show that we've somehow all come to agree upon. In twenty years, when VH1 is runnin it's "I Heart the 00's" special in some form of meta-postmodern sly winking and nodding, you know kids will stare at the TV and say "THIS was the biggest show on TV? WHY?" And you, you will have no answer.

    Who gets the "Boo"? Oh, please. It's totally Harms, who is "too busy" to watch TV. Pfft. You have iTunes and a commute, do you not, Mr. I'm Too Good For Dr. Phil?

    Tamara, while confessing she has no TV, showed the proper respect for us couch zombies by showing an adequate level of shame at her no-TV-havin'-lifestyle.

    Best response? Me. Because I freakin' love Flava Flav. How is this man not in public office?

    I can't do that, can I...?

    Oh, heck, It's Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat). Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat) get the award for demonstrating the proper level of misanthropy when it comes to reality television subjects.

    10:06 PM |

    Wednesday, March 22, 2006  

    Movies. We all watch them. Some of us decided we'd rather watch movies than getting a real college degree. We've all seen thousands of movies, and a lot of them we can agree are pretty good. Others, we might agree, just suck.

    We've already looked at the detritus of the film industry of the past year. Now, let's take a look at what we went into without much in the way of an expectation and walked out pleasantly surprised. A rare quality in a film, indeed.

    So, what was my thought provoking query?

    You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)

    Eric Nordtrom: Pride and Prejudice.

    Tamara: Match Point. I truly didn't believe that Woody Allen had it in him to make another movie worth viewing. And Scarlet Johansen--very tasty, indeed.

    Natalie: Hitch -- cute, cute, cute. (Don't tell anyone, though.)

    Jim D.: War of the Worlds (which was a very interesting portrayal of the American refugee experience and more serious in tone than most action-adventure alien flicks) and The 40 Year Old Virgin (which, though vulgar, was well written and actually clever, amusing, and possessed some level of heart). So rarely is a film "surprisingly good," though, although there are a few movies here and there which, although not "surprisingly good" may indeed rebut the presumption that they are crap.

    Ryan V.: Star Wars: Episode III Ė Revenge of the Sith.

    Yes, it was over-the-top. But it was still good. After kicking us the crotch for two lifeless, C-SPAN-esque prequels, Lucas finally delivered a dark, enjoyable film.

    Peabo: Cinderella Man. I just think it is tough to do a movie that is centered around boxing and avoid it being predictable or clichť. Since it was based on a true story, you knew it may not have a happy ending, and since I didnít know the history or story of the boxer I really didnít know how it would end.

    Denise: Munich. Saw it on a whim and enjoyed it. Mossad entertaining? Yep.

    RHPT: Be Cool. It was a fun, irreverent movie, and Andre 3000 was hilarious.

    Nathan: The Phantom of the Opera (musical from last year)

    Social Bobcat: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo - yes, it has Rob Schneider in it and yes, most of his encounters with clients are mildly funny at best, but the main gigolo, gay aquarium repairman, and Eddie Griffith man-pimp more than make up for the cost of admission.

    Maxwell: In Her Shoes. A screener was sent to me and I didn't hate it.

    Harms: I finally saw Anchorman and it was hilarious. They mis-marketed the hell out of that thing. It should have been sold as an Apatow vehicle (tender, yet humiliating) and not a Will Ferrell vehicle (Puerile, but occasionally hil-aryous, and then usually involving urine).

    Apatow / Feig style production triumphed again this year with "40 Year-old Virgin".

    Steanso: DeadBirds

    CrackBass: ConstantineÖovercame Keanu, and not nearly as bad as I expected. Does that count?

    Reed-o: Sideways

    I hate to admit it because it's such a yuppie movie, but I did enjoy it and the actor who was on Wings was pretty funny in it.

    Jamie: World's Fastest Indian. Being a regular reader of Entertainment Weekly (I know...for shame! for shame! Hey, it's a great bathroom read) this one shockingly fell beneath my radar.

    I can't tell you how long it's been since I saw a movie where I knew absolutely nothing about the premise going in. Enjoyable for Ryan, me, my parents, and his parents, which is not an easy challenge! Very cute movie.

    The League: I dunno. Jamie just picked my first selection. I wasn't as wary about 40 Year-old Virgin as some. In Good Company with Scarlett Johannson (sp?), Topher Grace and Dennis Quaid was also a better movie than I thought it would be, even if I felt the ending was a pretty firm departure from reality. I suspect the producers wanted an ending that the original screenplay probably didn't have.


    I am surprised Jim D. didn't take this opportunity to admit his secret love of King Kong.

    No single movie really took the lead here for most responses. Kind of nice. Look at all the movies you have available to you that you didn't know about previously.

    The "Boo" goes out to Nordstrom. Pride and Prejudice? You owe us a 200 word explanation of why this one would fall beneath your expectations.

    I also get a "boo" for not having a better answer to my own question.

    The response answer is a tie between Denise, because she made me laugh, and The Social Bobcat, for actually seeing a Deuce Bigalow movie ans sticking by his guns. I mean, really, how many of you guys bashing Deuce Bigalow actually saw the movie?

    9:06 PM |

    V for Vendetta

    I did a little comic versus film comparison. You can see it at

    Go there now, citizen.

    12:23 AM |

    Tuesday, March 21, 2006  
    Mellie Awards Special Report: The "Boo"

    The League feels the need to step up to the plate and explain the "Boo" which has been appearing in the past few columns.

    As we examine the responses of the Loyal Leaguers kind enough to send in answers to the puzzles that plague us here at League HQ, our team of researchers was looking for specific patterns which might help us better define the zeitgeist of the League-o-Sphere, and, possibly, the universe itself.

    We noted that many Loyal Leaguers chose to not only take a pass on certain questions, but actively refused to answer some questions. Other Leaguers took such exception that blanket statements criss-crossing entire industries were delivered instead of answering the, admittedly, open-ended question.

    Why a "Boo"?

    It's all in good fun. Quit taking it so seriously. Geez, louise.

    We've decided if anything is more entertaining than taking a stance on an entire industry, it's got to be taking exception to someone not dwelling in the minutia and pettiness that it takes to complete the nomination form for the Mellies.

    Here at the Mellies, we like to think of ourselves celebrating the utter inanity of modern life, so we hope you'll understand a little good-natured teasing when you see fit to try to bring up the conversation above a fifth-grade level.

    So, why a "boo"? What's a better time than booing people? You've clearly stated your dismissal of another person's ideals in three simple letters which are completely childish and simultaneously end all debate. At least it's not the "talk to the hand" award.

    10:16 PM |


    Here we are in Day 3 of the results. Hope all is going well with you.

    We're moving on down the list here in Day 3 with our third question. This question may not have been my best choice as I don't keep up too well with the popular music. Ah, well, it's too late. Gotta run with it.

    Oh, beware some PG-13 to R Level profanity in the post below. It's all in good fun.

    So, on to Question #3:

    Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song

    Eric Nordtrom: Anything from anyone who ever appeared on, or won, American Idol.

    Tamara: (editor's note: No response, so we'll say, hmmm... instead of something she doesn't like, we'll make up something about TST being a huge Justin Timberlake fan.)

    Natalie: Again, soooo many, but if I hear the song "Laffy Taffy" one more time, I'm going to vomit. (editor's note: I have not heard this song. I must iTunes it.)

    Jim D.: Without question, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas (who also win this category for most poorly thought-out band and album as well as song). Now, I'm not expecting lyrical genius from the group that brought us "Let's Get Retarded," but surely performers who have, presumably, sought fame their whole lives would prefer not to release something that is ridiculously stupid. Suppose a record company gives you several million dollars to create a record which will receive some amount of attention because of preexisting fame. If you, the performer, know that your record will appear in stores throughout the land, prompt your video will be played endlessly/ceaselessly on MTV, and lavish upon you even more fame in riches, wouldn't you want it to be good? Or at least, not laughable? Is perfectionism dead? Do you really just need to concern yourself with image once you have a record deal?

    Ryan V. X&Y by Coldplay. They showed potential with Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head. But after all the hype, they failed to deliver. Unlike U2 (the band they most want to be), they lack substance. Their songs are lyrically stupid but aurally intoxicating.

    Peabo: Ashley Simpson/any album by Ashley Simpson/any song by Ashley Simpson. She is the untalented unattractive version of her sister. But apparently they share the same lofty intellect.

    Denise: Tommyland The Ride by Tommy Lee. Terrible idea to make an album with this guy. His only talent is that he was born with a huge unit.

    RHPT: Kevin Federline's upcoming album. 'nuff said.

    Nathan: I'm not up on current bands to answer this one thoughtfully.

    Social Bobcat:

    band: Creed - blah, mushy rock music akin to a bowl of holy banana pudding
    song: "My Humps" - the displeasing imagery? the droning repetitiveness of the rhymes?

    Maxwell: R. Kelly's Trapped in A Closet*.

    *This might actually be the most well thought out song of the year.

    Harms: Thanks to owning an iPod I'm blessedly insulated from most things. I have heard a few samples on the iTunes Music store which sounded pretty bad. I think that there should be a ban on those whiny half sung angst-teens though.

    I think that Blink 182 did it best and that's enough so fall-out b-...

    Oh wait, it really hit me.

    I hate Maroon 5. Cloyingly unoriginal lines like "I wanna make you feel beautiful" lacked poetry, substance, cleverness, it's so uninspired and...

    Oh wait, now it really hit me.

    "Look at this Photograph..."

    That band, the guy who should cut his hair (sorry my wavy-haired brother, long hair is not our fate) - God how I loathe them. Their lyrics were:

    "how did our eyes get so red (ho ho pot reference) / what the hell is that thing on Joey's head"

    Oh my God, it doesn't take me back to a pleasant nostalgia ( as compared to Brian Adams' "Summer of '69") it makes me groan under the lumbering rhyme scheme. Gagggh.

    (editor's note: This is "Nickelback". I'll get to them later.)

    Oh wait, R. Kelley's "Trapped in the Closet" man that was bad. Although based on the record sales, he's laughing all the way to the bank.

    Steanso: R. Kelly/ Trapped in the Closet. Or maybe Crack/John Cougar Menstrual Cramp/True Love Part I

    CrackBass: Well, it has to be Goblin Cock. Sorry. I know this violates all the rules, but it is just wrong to see it on an endcap in my local cd store. I also love it

    Reed-o: Just like film, there's so many each year. I guess I'll go with

    Beverly Hills by Weezer


    Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne

    Those songs annoy me. Mostly because you expect this bubblegum crap in pop, but it's now infiltrating alternative bands (if you can call bands like that alternative anymore).

    Jamie: "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas. 'Poorly thought-out' is definitely a personal opinion due to the success of this song. But take a peak at the lyrics minus the accompaniment and see if you laugh as much as I did:

    The League: Christ. Really. As much as I want to make fun of other bands, "My Humps" is just... When I was 22 I was working at Camelot records. One glorious morning, shortly after opening, a girl no older than twelve came into the store, wandered over to the Hip-Hop section, returned to counter and loudly asked "Ya'll got any booty music?" I was perplexed.
    "Booty music?"
    She, of course, rolled her eyes at the old, unhip geezer behind the counter, placed her hands on her hips and declared again "Booty music. Ya'll got any booty music?"
    "What is booty music?"
    "You know... Booty Music."
    "No," I sighed. "I have no idea what you're talking about. And, I might add, you're 12. I'm fairly certain you do not need to be listening to anything called 'Booty Music'."

    I think this song was scientifically formulated to haunt me for upsetting that little girl that day. Now, millions of twelve year old girls are, undoubtedly, dancing around their rooms and memorizing the words to "My Humps", mistaken in their belief that this song is in any way a good idea.

    Also, Nickelback deserves a cock punching of cosmic proportions.


    I find it interesting that R. Kelly got a nod from, what, three of you..? But it was also a knowing nod of respect for the enormous bag of money R. Kelly would earn with his R&B opus. If you have not seen the entire series of videos tied to this song, I HIGHLY recommend seeing them. Apparently R. Kelly has gone completely batshit insane. Maybe escaping child molestation charges and surrounding yourself with an army of yes-men will do that to you.

    That said, a LOT of people bought this record.

    The winner is, of course "My Humps".

    Now, bear witness to just some of the amazing lyrics of "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

    What you gon' do with all that junk?
    All that junk inside that trunk?
    I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.
    What you gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans?
    I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
    Make you scream, make you scream.
    What you gon do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?
    I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
    Get you love drunk off this hump.
    What you gon' do wit all that breast?All that breast inside that shirt?
    I'ma make, make, make, make you work
    Make you work, work, make you work.

    Wow. You Leaguers who fancy yourself to be musicians... this... this is what the people are listening to. Give up now and save yourself the heartache.

    The "Boo" goes out to Nathan who refuses to give it a shot. I feel a little bad because Nathan actually works at Texas Public Radio and is a huge music fan. It's just that all the guys he adores are named things like Miles and Herbie. Sadly, here at The League, these are NOT good reasons to not be familiar with the shame that Ashley Simpson brings our nation.

    The Special award goes out to Jim D. for his unfiltered critique of The Black Eyed Peas and his plea for sanity in a world gone mad.

    8:28 PM |

    Reason enough for me to break and buy an X-Box?

    Justice League videogame coming!

    With this and the coming Superman Returns game, I am freaking out.

    10:21 AM |

    Monday, March 20, 2006  
    Question NUMERO DOS:

    Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)

    Eric Nordtrom: Bewitched. I will never, ever see it.

    Tamara: War of the Worlds=Waste of My Afternoon. Just stop it, Stevo! For
    the love of your legacy, just stop it!

    Natalie: Oh, there are so many, but because I've had to watch this one umpteen times (and want to cry in frustration every time), I'm going with "Son of the Mask."

    Jim D.: Every release from a major movie studio is questionable. Is it possible to narrow it down to just one? There are easy, easy targets like Big Momma's House II and the Deuce Bigalow sequel. There is self important detritus like Crash (wherein Hollywood finally lets us, the great unwashed in flyover country, know that we really all do need to get along). The burden is on the studio to prove that their latest release is not crap, and this is a burden the studio execs are either unaware of or (more likely) simply don't care about at all. (I had to ad the "at all" to that preceding sentence so that it wouldn't end in a preposition, but even with that addition, it still is lazy writing. Sigh.).

    Ryan V.: King Kong.

    Peabo: War of the Worlds. Seriously, the story line wasnít that great the first time around when we didnít know it. I expect more of Spielberg. You canít just expect to put Spielberg and Cruise on a poster and expect us just lap it up because youíve entertained us before. I mean give us some kind of Mark Singer pealing aliens fake rubber human faces off, anything, something !

    Denise: -Sahara. I was forced to watch this stinker while flying to New York. The movie plot includes buried treasure in Nigeria(as if), American Civil War flashbacks, toxic waste potentially killing all life on the planet, Doctors Without Borders, Matthew McConaughey getting fired out of a 150 year old cannon, and evil warlords. The only reason I did not pluck my eyes out to prevent watching this was that McConaughey was a nice piece of eye candy.

    RHPT: Rent and The Producers. I really like Rent, having seen it at least four times, and was very excited to see it turned into a motion picture. However, the movie fell flat. It lacked the energy and passion of the play.

    I've never seen the Broadway version of The Producers, but I thought the movie was boring and overly long. I excepted much more from a play that garnered so many accolades.

    Nathan: Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo.

    Social Bobcat: -The Shaggy Dog - who the eff thinks that Tim Allen + poorly done CGI of a man knocking over an old lady equals comedy gold? (runner-up: just about any movie that Steve Martin has come out with in the last five to ten years. Steve, is that new boat worth the cost of your dignity?)

    Maxwell: Did they really release a film this year based on the "Have you checked the children..." scary story? Did anyone else think of Joey on Friends and "but she's been dead for seven years..." bit?

    Harms: Wow, I saw two horrible "scary movies" in 2005: "Hide and Seek" and "White
    ". What absolute stinkers. The latter had an interesting premise and it's clear that the writer decided to go hump grass or something when writing the ending rather than refer to the first half of the screenplay at which the second half was totally at odds."

    I discuss this failure at:

    The former was terrible. It's a horrible black mark on the career of R. DeNiro. It's predictable, formulaic, with a flat, boring menace. Dakota Fanning was creepy, but that may just be a side effect of hanging around Tom Cruise a lot that year.

    DeNiro is a great actor when given material that breathes through an Italian-American respirator. His appearances on SNL are abysmal and as flat as his work in this movie. Terrible. Terrible. I hope the director or producers are friends of his because they really got a big favor out of his lending his name to that steamy pile of gorilla urine.

    Steanso:The Dukes of Hazzard
    Do we really need to recreate this? Do Confederate flags and redneck values need more of a push at coming back into fashion? (CrackBass) will argue that we got a good Jessica Simpson video out of it, but I would counterargue that we still would have gotten something out of Jessica Simpson this year in which she would have been rolling around half naked, even if this movie had never been made ?


    The Ape

    The guy who plays Harry Osborne in the SM movies stars (and wrote, and directs!!!)this one about ďA young writer, nearing a mental breakdown caused by his family and boss, moves into an apartment occupied by a walking, talking, foul-mouthed ape in a Hawaiian shirt and Converse High TopsĒ And they couldnít get funding for the remaining two films in M. Nightís Unbreakable trilogy????

    Reed-o: There's so many each year. Even though I didn't see them, I guess I
    will go with

    Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo

    I would say Catwoman, but the initial premise itself isn't bad. Just poorly written, and executed. Everything about Duece Bigalow strikes me as bad. Did the first Duece Bigalow really gross enough to warrant a second movie? I hate Rob Schneider.

    Jamie: Over the Hedge. This CG (as if there is any other kind these days) animated tale has yet to be released, but has already elicited groans from the League household. I believe there have been no fewer than three 'cartoons' in the past year featuring talking animals forced out of their comfortable environments.

    The League:

    Movie I saw: Probably Son of the Mask. Why would the studio want to punish us for enjoying the first film, even as a lazy Saturday afternoon lark? Luckily I saw this on cable. Not exactly free, but a fraction of the cost of paying to see a movie with a discernable odor.

    Movie I did not see: Impossible to say. So much out there. Lots of stupid looking kids movies (Chicken Little), pointless romantic comedies (Rumor Has It) moronic horror flicks (How is their a 3rd Final Destination? For the love of @#$), movies for 9 year old girls which brutally reinforce gender roles (Aquamarine), movies about dudes in the hood trying to make it as a rapper (one of these, I believe, was Oscar nominated) and just a lot of junk (why are they still paying Martin Lawrence to do anything? Oh, yeah... #1 opening weekend, eh?) . There was probably a lot of bloated, self-indulgent junk, but I think I missed a lot of it.


    Man, ya'll really do not like Rob Schneider. That's three of you that singled out Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow. Spielberg's War of the Worlds also seemed to draw quite a bit of ire. I did see War of the Worlds, and I liked the original better. None of the additions Spielberg added made any damn sense.

    Jim gets the "Boo" for taking the snotty way out and condemning each and every movie made and/ or released by a studio (very film school of you, Jimbo). However, it's tough to argue with some of his examples.

    CrackBass scores special points for his identification of a movie nobody ever heard of, and, I think, actually sitting through a movie with an ape in sneakers.

    However, it is Steanso who brings up the best point about a completely unnecessary movie, Dukes of Hazzard and his astute observation re: Whatsername Simpson's inevitable decline into rolling around the hoods of cars.

    9:30 PM |

    Sunday, March 19, 2006  
    THE 2006 Mellies Results:

    Okay, the results are in. We had a startlingly large number of nominees/ responses this year. A few people didn't bother to send anything in despite what I assumed was regular reading of the site. No harm, no foul. The results will be coming out in a slow trickle over the next two weeks.

    So, on to the show....

    Question 1:

    The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane

    Eric Nordtrom: Ann Coulter

    Tamara: I don't own a television, so I think that I'm ill-qualified to answer this one.

    Natalie: Bill O'Reilly. Someone please shut him up!

    Jim D.: This is a difficult question to answer, as in the era of DVR, I really only watch what I preset my Tivo to record, and I am not in the habit of recording programs featuring people who are always on TV and who drive me insane. If pressed, I would have to say celebutante/heirhead Paris Hilton, someone who is not famous for any talent or contribution to society, but rather because she is dumb, sordid, and (at least in her own mind) trendy. In fact, looking at her guest appearances on IMDB, she is always on television. I was particularly irked when she appeared on the usually clever "Veronica Mars," the producers of which appeared to be slumming it by casting this wealthy oxygen thief. I think she appeared in an unnecessary throwaway cameo on "The O.C.," back when that program was worth watching. Perhaps that was the beginning of the end?

    Ryan V. :
    And my wife loves her. (And DVRs every episode.)
    There is no escape.

    Peabo: Bill Maher (I know, itís not t.v., itís HBO). I used to like him, back when he was funny and made a little bit of an effort to see both sides of an issue, but now he is such an apologist for anything that is anti-Bush he has zero credibility. There is plenty of legitimate criticism to be made of Bush without having to resort to idiotic sensationalism and hyperbole.

    Denise: -Close tie: Michael Moore or Al Frankin. Two completely delusional and paranoid idiots. Get your schizoaffective disorders in check! Take the damn Haldol!

    RHPT: The kids who are on MTV's insipid shows.

    Nathan: The Geico gecko. I used to like him until he started talking in a bad British accent. (note from the editor: The Geico gecko is not technically a person, but a lizard. And is also, technically, a cartoon. We accept Nathan's response based upon the fact that we went to the same high school and are aware of the poor quality of the science curriculum at said high school)

    Social Bobcat: - John Gibson - normally i wouldn't know of his existence but our TVs at work are constantly on FOX News. i think he's inflammatory (war on christmas!) and he looks weird

    Maxwell: Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony. He's orange. Does he drink too much carrot juice? Or is he an alien who has already infiltrated the Christian conservative right and who plans to eventually breed the entire globe based on 29 points of "similarity" in order to produce the yummiest humans ever?

    Harms: Thanks to a Tivo and an HDivo I rarely see TV but that I want to see, thus I'm not particularly driven insane by it. I'll just say Paris Hilton because I'm tired of her being in every medium possible.

    Steanso: probably Katie Couric. No, Barbara Walters. Nope. It's gotta be Katie Couric. Damn you, America's sweetheart! Every time I watch you I can feel IQ points melting out through my ears.

    CrackBass: Donald Trump. I know that is his role. But I really, really dislike him.

    Reed-o: I don't know if this qualifies, but I'm getting real sick of the voice actor for those "Priceless" MasterCard commercials. You know what would be priceless for me - seeing the MasterCard priceless commercial campaign come to an end.

    Jamie: Nancy Grace. So maybe she's not on TV ALL the time, but each night that I make dinner I turn on the telly for some background noise and there she is, shrieking about all current injustices!

    The League:

    The dude I can't stand most: I'm trying to think of a "TV Personality" who makes me want to run screaming from the room, and I'm hard pressed. I tune so much out. My first thought was the salivating moron of "Mad Money", but then I thought Wolf Blitzer probably should snag this one this year if I'm too pick someone from a "news" network. Nay, I'm going obvious and giving it to Tom Cruise for being such an insufferable jack-ass. Nobody speaks to Lauer that way, Cruise! NO ONE!!!

    Lady: Not so long ago, the answer might have been Oprah, and then I watched this thing on PBS about her life and, dammit, it made me respect her. It's just not fair. She used to really bug me. So, for the woman I can't stand most, I gotta go with Steanso's selection. I just can't @#$%ing stand Couric. From my responses, you'd think I watch a lot of Today Show, but I don't. I'm a Diane Sawyer man all the way. Good Moring America, indeed...

    The Results:

    Paris Hilton got the most responses if you don't count my own regarding Couric. That should come as a surprise to nobody. By this time, 2008, she'll be a footnote, people. If you ignore her, she will go away.

    Well, special shout out to Ryan V. for his mournfully poetic response. I could almost feel the quiet desperation.

    Reed-o gets a nod for the most random person to dislike, considering it is a disembodied voice. Reed-o hears so many voices in his head, we figured one more wouldn't bug him.

    Tamara gets a special "Boo Award". Just imagine me "boo-ing" you. As endeared as I am that you were honest, The League will have no loftiness in it's pages. Instead, we shall now make fun of you for not being a part of the latter-20th Century and refer to you as "Cave-Dweller Tamara". We shall also wonder aloud if Tamara fears other gifts from the her primitive gods such as running water and fire to heat her cave.

    I think Maxwell wins for most colorful response. I literally have not been able to see an eHarmony commercial since reading her response and still see that carrot-colored goober the same way again.

    Paris, I'm sorry doll... We all applaud how hard you were sort of trying in your megalomaniacal, sociopathic sort of way. If you could just try not to fill up any more space in our collective conscience for, oh, the next fifty years..? Great. Thanks. See you in the obits!

    2:51 PM |

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