Jesus H. Christ.

Not able to avoid certain disaster, I had tickets to fly on American Airlines to Lawton, Oklahoma over the weekend. As the big airlines suffer and continue to point to peoples fears over terrorism and war, etc... as anxieties leading to their financial ruin, I suggest this is only partially true. The truth is that the economy slowed for reasons having more to do with a sudden realization that the internet is just a computerized catalog. So people have lost their jobs, and those who did work really couldn't afford to go off and travel as much anymore. And jobless people tend not to WANT to travel as much. At least not by plane. Hence, a lighter lode on the air-o-planes.
But all that aside, I try not to fly because the airline industry is a monopolistic behemoth which charges you hundreds for worse service than one gets for a buck on public transportation.

On my way to Lawton, America on Thursday, upon my arrival in Dallas (my connecting city) that I was being bumped and could either take a voucher and travel on the morning or get bumped and take no voucher and travel in the morning if I did not volunteer to give up my seat. Keep in mind, I bought my tickets around December 12th for this weekend's voyage.
"Why am I bumped?" "The plane is too heavy." "Are you saying I can't fly because I'm fat?" "No sir. The plane is too heavy." "You mean you overbooked." "No, we don't do that. The plane is too heavy." "But isn't the plane engineered to hold as much weight as there are seats?" "I wouldn't know." "So it's overbooked." "No sir, we don't do that."

When I asked why I was bumped over others, I was told that I had bought "restricted tickets." "I don't remember buying restricted tickets," I replied. "What is a restricted ticket?" "It's restricted." "But what are the restrictions?" "It's a restricted ticket. It means you get bumped." "But how did these people choose NOT to travel with restricted tickets?" "They didn't buy restricted tickets." "Neither did I." "You did, sir." And so it went.

So I went to my wife and told her our situation, and immediately she lost her mind. "But," I said, "we can stay in a free hotel, and fly out first thing tomorrow." "No," I was told.

So I went back to the desk. "No," I said. I had already been marked as a volunteer for even CONSIDERING this course of action. We were bumped already.
Anyway, we told them "we're renting a car and driving." "We will not pay for a car." "How about a refund on the ticket we can't use?" "We can't do that. We can put you in a hotel." "That makes no sense." "You can talk to our agent at the ticket sales" (which, if you've gone through DFW, one would know, was literally miles away from the A Terminal Annex). "I want a refund." "You can't. You bought a restricted ticket." "I don't understand." "You're making money. This voucher is worth more than your ticket." "Yes," I did not say, "But i will never fly your fucking ludicrous airline again even if it's with the promise of a floorshow and free booze."

So we drove some insane miles to Lawton from Dallas. We had a nice weekend and returned to Phoenix. Of course I now have no idea where my checked bag is.

"Was it on the plane?" "I don't know." "Did it get on the plane in lawton." "I don't know that, sir." "Nobody scans the luggage before it gets on the plane or when it gets off?" "No sir." "So you have no idea where it is?" "No, sir."

I have heard economists on the radio talk about how American and the other failing airlines cannot compete with the likes of SOuthwest, but that there is an inherent goodness to American because of the class of service one provides. To this I say: horseshit. The airlines have always bilked those of us relegated to the cattle car cabins, and we've always taken it, so enamored with the rapidity of transport. Do these economists actually ever ride in coach? Do they not see the thin line between this and a cross-town bus?

And at all this, their management, whose idea of an improvement is forcing the captive audience to watch Everybody Loves Raymond, has now cut deals where flight attendants, baggage handlers, mechanics and pilots will all be losing huge portions of their pay. Well done, American Airlines. And I want my damn bag back, and it better have everything in it, or I'm claiming the world's craziest insurance bonanza you've ever seen.

I think GW should cut $550 billion from the budget, but there's no reason to actually change tax laws. He apparently felt he should refund certain taxpayers around $300 a while back. At least that's what I got. I immediately spent the money on strippers and gum. The plan worked for me, and I think it can work again.

If we have $550 billion we can trim (but we don't change tax laws), and say that there are 300 million Americans, each one of them could get back around $1833.333333 That's a pretty sweet deal. But something tells me that I will NOT be getting back $1833.33. Something tells me that I will have to wait for that money to trickle down to me after At&T and Enron take a big ol' tax break that will change my phone bill $1.00 a year and $5.00 on my electric bill. Whoo-hoo.

But just imagine if this WAS the plan. And not just $1833.33 per tax payer, but per person (at 300 million Americans). That's 349.2 hours of work at minimum wage of $5.25 an hour. Or 8.7 weeks of 40 hour work weeks. Imagine being in the family with three kids and being a working single mom and getting a check for $7333.33 from Uncle Sam. That's 1396.82 hours, or roughly 34.9 weeks at 40 hours. Just imagine the added opportunity and benefits, and no messy government bureaucracy that tax dollars are forced to support.

My point is, taxes are not what is killing companies, it's the fact people don't have jobs to spend money (which gets a sales tax), and then companies don't have money the government can tax in return. Now imagine a sudden influx of $550 billion in the hands of the public. After we got done spending money on strippers and gum, there might still be around $200 left for other things; Taxable things bought from taxable companies.

If my plan works (and it surely will) next year the economy should be humming along like an economic perpetual motion machine. Until inflation points out once again, that money is an imaginary concept made tangible by tiny slips of green paper, and in which case, never held any intrinsic value anyway. So if my plan does take hold, I suggest you stock up on ammunition and clean water, because by the time the plan runs through to it's logical conclusion, it's going to be Thunderdome in the major cities.

I'm taking a page from Jim's blog to post the strangest path anyone as of yet has used to stumble blindly upon this blog. Someone googled in with the following search: saddam art patrick nagel

I was duped. I admit it. On April 1st I reported, falsely, that the Superman statue in Metropolis Illinois had been stolen. Read the update here. While I had my suspicions it might be a prank, it seemed like a hell of a lot of work. Honestly, I guess I just didn't find it that far fetched that in a small town, some Cleetus might back his truck up to a Superman statue and take off with it as an April fools prank of his own. And keep in mind, the guy who wrote the article moved from California to Metropolis so he could open a Superman museum, so you can understand when I believed his distress.

Anyway, I hope anyone who read the initial story can breathe easier now. I go now to hang my head in shame.

best song ever

for more incredibly interesting audio bits with which to waste your day, go here.

Advertisers frequently make the misstep of assuming folks would like to see their food anthropomorphized. I've never really known what urge there is to make my food cute. A lot of my food once was cute. Cows certainly have a stupid, endearing quality that, if you really got to know your cow, you probably would choose to not want to eat it. That is, living in America where we always have the option of NOT eating our pets, you might not want to eat your cow, unlike, say, in Canada, where you might eat your own children.

The love hang-over has set in back in Iraq. Already the Iraqis are taking to the streets in anti-Bush demonstrations as US forces have failed to instate anything resembling order. Man, that freedom of speech thing is a bear, isn't it? It sounds like Tommy F. and the crew are now instilling a little Martial Law to keep the peace.

In their best efforts to prove the arm-chair conspiracy theorists right, the US is now looking at Syria all twitchy. Just this morning I heard the first rumblings about Syria having chemical weapons. Lest we forget that about a month ago, the Pentagon assured us that Iraq is stocked to the gills with WoMD, yet these weapons have made no appearances during the conflict, and every report that something had been found has turned out to be a false alarm. Sooner or later something WILL turn up, the foreign press is really leaning on this issue now, so something is going to have to be found. But as things progress, I bet we can all just forget about those ties the White House insisted existed between Hussein and Bin laden. With the palaces levelled and Saddam atomized, the evidence will be declared too confusing and lost to history. Already those things are swept beneath the rug. Now it's going to be all about getting US MIA's and POWs home, which is a good thing, but the fighting has not yet ceased.

It also appears Saddam should have been sending his interior decorator to the firing squad instead of wasting his time with all of those dissidents. From the sounds of it, Saddam was into a little kink and Boris Vallejo art, or else had his D&D playing nephew with the problem getting dates to do his living room. One wonders what further treasure troves of questionable taste our GI's will continue to uncover?

Rumsfeld must be rolling on the floor of the Pentagon proclaiming he saw Goody Syria with the devil. Now we're told Syria has weapons, and, no doubt, will be shown to be the magician with the pack of cards up it's sleeve. Waving absolutely zero evidence in front of the media, and tossing in those all-too-familiar terms of "terrorism" and "Weapons of mass destruction", the State Department and Pentagon are looking for the sort of bare-ass-in-the-air cooperation that they will later insist means nothing unless we use some Sherman tanks to check it out for ourselves. Powell is looking at sanctions against the Syrians (probably because sanctions elicited such a swift response from Saddam & crew), and has taken to playing the Reverend Hale to Syria's John Proctor. Syria will have to prove they have no ties to terrorism and no weapons, which is, of course, as realistic and sensible as tossing yourself off a cliff to prove you can't fly and are therefore not a witch. This very problem is why we generally operate under the rule that burden of proof is on the accuser. Apparently when it comes to international law or inconvenience, we toss that rule aside. All Syria has to do to save themselves is sign the confession. No problem.

Anyone want to place bets that Iran starts getting the stink eye next?

For year three in a row I did not fulfill my one birthday wish to kick back and watch The Searchers. I don't know why I express this is my one goal every birthday. I suppose it's because watching The Searchers is the one thing nobody else I know will want to do. Theres' something vaguely empowering about forcing others into your corner just because it's your birthday, but the fact that I STILL have not gotten top watch my movie should be evidence enough that I'm still not getting my way. But this year, that was nobody's fault but my own.

Anyway, I head off for my 29th revolution around El Sol, visors down and teeth bared to the wind, and maybe this is the year I seize control of Spaceship Earth.