Saturday, April 01, 2006

random comments: March - April
feel free to drop random comments in this section

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Notorious Question Number Nine

Human sexuality. It's an odd, frightening beast. People tend to go absolutely nutzo over the topic.

With the inundation of TV into our culture, I am both relieved and grateful that you all did not decide to pick a person they knew, because I couldn't handle the fall-out. TV's given us a vast landscape of secret crushes and programs we watch for all the wrong reasons. It happens and it's okay. Just no stalking, people.

So this was every Leaguer's opportunity to reveal their secret crush.

Let me also say I'm impressed with the candor here. Although Mr. Bobcat was curiously silent...

Question 9:

I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?

Eric Nordtrom: Lois Griffin.

Tamara: Second runner-up: Allen Greenspan. Austrian-school economics makes for sizzling pillow talk . . . plus, he sort of reminds me of Droopy Dog, for whom I also harbor a secret crush.

First runner-up: Don Rumsfeld. Supremely confident, unabashed, this man don't suffer no fools. In the words of the inimitable (thank God!) Paris, "That's hot."

Heretofore-unmentioned steaminess winner: Werner Herzog. "Burden of [MY] Dreams"!

Natalie: Anderson Cooper. Mmm.

Jim D.: Well, the way this question is asked, or at least the way that I parse it, suggests that I should name someone who you wouldn't ordinarily consider to meet the traditional definition of "hotness" but who, upon further reflection, is indeed hot.

All I can say, though, is that I have been watching the BBC show "Hustle" on AMC, and you will find my answer to this question here. Alas.

Ryan V.: Karen from Will & Grace, a show I have come to loathe.

Peabo: I’m married. I no longer look at woman like objects. Having said that, Laura Bush. Okay, maybe hot is an extreme exaggeration, but she has aged gracefully. Easily the best looking first lady ever.

Denise: Legolas Greenleaf, AKA Orlando Bloom. Not hot in other roles. Hot as an elf.

RHPT: I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to say: "Colin Farrell". Say what you will about his acting or his movies, but he's a good looking man.

Nathan: Redheads.

Social Bobcat: (editor's note: no answer.)

Maxwell: Philip Seymour Hoffman. What?

Harms: Well first of all, my honey. She's smokin'. I take it that you want someone famous though. Here goes.

Kelly Reilly. Actress, British. Starred in "L'Auberge Espagnol" and had a cameo as Mr. Bingley's sister is the new version of Pride and Prejudice. While she was undoubtedly pretty in the clever quarter-life crisis movie, she was pre-Raphaelite cripplingly stunning in the latter.

Steanso: Grace Park, who plays Lieutenant Sharon Valerii, callsign "Boomer" on Battlestar Galactica. Always been damn good looking, but there's competition on that show...

CrackBass: Justin Timberlake?

Reed-o: No doubt. Katee Sackhoff.

D. Loyd: Allyson Hannigan. And I HAVE said it.

Jamie: Hmm...I think this is a trick question for my husband to find someone to tease me about. Nonetheless, I shall answer and answer truthfully for fear of getting the Boo. Daniel Dae Kim from LOST. But I would scratch the 'kind of' from that statement.

The League: Oh my. This is a tough one. For the love of Mike, I've got a column called "Dames in the Media The League Once Dug". Do I bear any secret crushes? And how many times can I bring up Lynda Carter without getting in trouble with the wife?

It seems in poor taste on the 25th anniversary of the attempt on Pres. Reagan to bring up Jodie Foster, so I will not. But, you know, uh, Jodie Foster. She had me at "Lambs. The lambs were screaming."

Anyway, Jamie suggested I bring up the next candidate for DITMTLOD, which would be vintage-Trek Lt. Uhura. But that would be using up a perfectly good DITMTLOD. (You guys can have your Yeoman Rand. Give me a sassy comm officer any day.)

So, anyhow, I didn't bring it up, but you know who was kind of hot? "Sister Mary Jane" from the A&E series "Rollergirls". She was six feet of hard-hitting Roller Derby action. You just can't go wrong with that. And she throws a mean right hook in a fight.


I'm watching the wrong shows. Apparently the ladies of "BattleStar Galactica" are quite easy on the eye. However, Jim D., a steadfast BG supporter has turned his affections elsewhere.

I'll be honest, Peabo takes the cake for the answer that surprised me the most. He managed to trump even RHPT, who managed to find a way to answer the question without incorporating his gaga affection for The Mysterious M, which is what I had expected. Peabo, my friend of 20-odd years, you continue to blow my mind.

Shit. I totally didn't call you on your birthday. Happy belated birthday, Peabo.

Harms gets a nod for including his new girlfriend. Again, do it next year and we shall all make fun of what a sissy you've become.

Maxwell picks an unusual but understandable choice.

Nathan gives a nice blanket answer.

Natalie picks a surprising one. I fear she will become one of those weird ladies who joins an online club called something like "Anderson's Chicken-Coop".

Tamara shows a naughty side none of us suspected... quadruple points, by order of the Pentagon.

In no way does Jamie's selection surprise me. Sometimes the less you say, the more it reveals. She's just been pulling for this "Jin" fellow a suspicious amount.

Nord, my man, we're going to have to talk about your interest in bulbous headed cartoon mothers of three. You've got yourself an interesting little crush there. Care to elaborate?

Anyhoo, no "boo". Ya'll were largely honest, so I see no reason to "boo" any of you. Well, maybe Mr. Bobcat.

And, Denise, based on your apparent proclivities, have I got a man for you....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Enigmatic Eighth Question.

So this turned out a little different from what I had in mind, but, you know, you're all beings of free will. And The League is here to help you voice your mind, God help us all.

Anyhoo, things get decidedly partisan up in here. So, you know, try not to go all monkeyshit on me here in the comments section if you have a beef with how this turned out.

Others of you seemed highly reluctant to participate. Suspiciously reluctant.

Question 8:

God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful

Eric Nordtrom: When Katie Couric got shit on by that bird.

Tamara: (editor's note: No answer)

Natalie: Tom Delay indicted. Heh.

Jim D.: I am not sure that any news make me gleeful, secretive or otherwise.

Ryan V: I got nothing.

Peabo: The riots in France. Of course, it is tragic that anyone would lose their life in such events, but after all their anti-American policy hullabaloo, and higher than thou attitude towards resolving Islamic fanaticism with speeches and olive branches, you had to imagine the head scratching going on when those same disgruntled Islamic youths almost burned down their city. Almost as funny as the U.N. probe revealing they were getting kickbacks and violating the food for oil program. Might want to watch the stone throwing over in that glass house you call a country.

Denise: New Orleans evacuees were evacuated from Houston during Hurricane Rita. I was seriously happy to hear this. Unfortunately, many found their way back to Houston. Hummm…how to get rid of them again…

RHPT: This is going to paint me in a bad light, but I'm always secretly gleeful when something happens that negatively affects (effects?) Bush. I don’t think it’s because I’m so partisan, but simply because he wasn’t the horse I backed. I’m highly competitive, and I hate it when the team/person/thing I’m rooting for loses and in turn I end up despising the winner. Did I mention I am a sore loser?

Nathan: The nature of this question scares me for some reason. I fear it might lead me to a dark place.

Social Bobcat: (editor's note: no answer)

Maxwell: You mean Cheney was actually holding a smoking gun?

Harms: I lament the loss of life in New Orleans, really. But I'm fascinated by Katrina's side effects

* New Orleans was a hole, a stinky, fetid, sweaty, humid hole. Yet it was something distinctly American and it deserves to rise again. Yet in America we've never seen a city razed in modern times. It seems to be our "Death in Venice" moment.

* Ray Nagin. What a nut. He should have a talk show on Fox. Chocolate city, you couldn't make that stuff up.

* Barbara Bush: Almost everyone I've talked to said we're going to move to Houston. What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. (Said with concern.) Everybody is so overwhelmed by all the hospitality. And so many of the peoples in the arena here, you know, they're underprivileged anyway, so this--this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.

It almost explains why GWB turned to drinking and eyebrow plucking.

* Is Tool right: The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. And will the city that returns be the Disney version: a simulacrum of real Disney?

Steanso: Hurricane Rita hits Beaumont. I already had houseguests staying with me for ACL Fest, so when my parents called me to see if they could evacuate to my house from their place in Houston, I had to tell them there was no more room at the inn. Once they found out my house wasn't an option, my parents decided to ride out the storm in Houston instead of getting a hotel or staying with my cousin in Austin, thereby setting me up for a lifetime of guilt if the hurricane had hit Houston and wreaked Katrina-like damage. Sorry, Beaumont, but thank you for avoiding Houston, Rita.

CrackBass: Civil war in Iraq. Sucks for everyone, but I just hope people get rid of GW Jr.

Reed-o: I can't narrow this one down. Again, I have been secretly gleeful each time I see the current administration screw up, and do exactly what was predicted by naysayers and experts. Whether, it's the growing disparity between rich and poor, the mishandling of Katrina, the mishandling of Iraq, the pervasive corruption, the leaking of classified information, the destruction of personal freedoms, the raping of the Constitution and Bill of Rights, the lack of funding for No Child Left Behind, the trillion dollar deficit, etc. Each time they screw the American people and the world, I am secretly gleeful because that's who the American people decided in 2004 was the best person and party to run the most powerful country in the world, but not me. You made your bed now lie in it. I think I'm getting too cynical.

D. Loyd: I can't say it. It would get me killed.

Jamie: The passing of Slobodan Milosevic. I am not one who believes in death as punishment, but this guy was one evil bastard.

The League: Jesus H. Christ, people. I was just going to say something about an olympic skiier falling off a mountain or something. This questions was actually prompted by an experience I had during the Olympics when I found myself laughing really hard and being simultaneously horrified watching someone who had knocked themself out on the luge and was still cruising down the pipe, totally unconscious. It was funny, like when a clown dies.


Well, a fair number of you like to see Bush fail. That seems to be a crowd pleaser. Depending on your POV, you must spend quite a bit of time giggling and clapping your hands. I am sure some of you are even now smoothing your ruffled feathers after reading this list. I shall keep it simple and say that the most Leaguers have a good hearty guffaw when the president is proven wrong.

The "?" goes out to Jim D., whose answer I do not understand, and if I do understand it, what sort of emotionless robot has Jim D. become? How sad.

Maxwell gets points for making me laugh.

Nordstrom gets double extra points for singling out Kouric's deserved misfortune.

D. Loyd gets points for paranoia.

Nathan wins the most points for rightfully turning away from the darkness within.

Peabo loses a few points for not finding a way to also condemn the Canadians. No particular reason. It's just part of our platform here at The League. Unreasoning hatred for Canada.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Stupendous Seventh Question

Boy, was this one not a very prbing question. Still, you guys all really stepped up and came up with really disgusting answers. I no longer believe any of you about anything.

Food. It's necessary to sustain life. Even plants eat nutrients and whatnot. But we're not plants, are we? No. You can tell, because we have tongues. Tongues with little tiny tastebuds all aligned differently, a print as unique as your fingerprint. So different, in fact, that we don't all just eat big bowls of grape nuts all day every day.

We also have brains. Huge, swollen, warped brains. Sometimes our brain is full of a pack of lies which only those miraculous tastebuds can wipe away. Today, we look past the pile of lies dwelling in our head and delve into the truth about chow.

Question 7:

You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)

Eric Nordtrom: Birria (baby goat)

Tamara: Garlic ice cream with caramel sauce from the Stinkin' Rose in San Fran. I ate it at the height of my Anorexia, for Heaven's sake. That's got to be a pretty strong testament to its yumminess . . . in a sick sort of way.

Natalie: Whew, what a broad category. Umm. Blue Bell's Banana Pudding Ice Cream?

Jim D.: Arizona Diet Green Tea. I can't get enough of that stuff.

Ryan V.: Rice Crackers with Nuts oriental snack mix from Costco.

Peabo: The spinach & pineapple health shake at the vegetarian restaurant near my house.

Denise: Sushi.

RHPT: My stir-fry Spam recipe. Everyone thinks it's gross, but once they try it, they admit it's really good. I lived on it through college.

Nathan: A well-prepared salad can actually taste good.

Social Bobcat: Peanut butter and banana sandwiches - probably one of the few things that Elvis and I would have agreed upon

Maxwell: Well we know it's not the Jones Soda Thanksgiving Feast.

Harms: Korean Barley Tea. For my palette I always considered Barley to be only
ingestible in beer format, but a Korean co-worker introduced me and I rather
enjoy it.

Steanso: surprisingly good food- the corn dog shrimp at Moonshine

CrackBass: Truffle oil

Reed-o: A few of Jen's tofu receipes. Purple cow - grape juice and vanilla ice cream

(later, Reed sent this in) Clarification on #7. Purple cow was a second response. There is no tofu in a purple cow.

D. Loyd: Steamed Cod Eyeballs.

Jamie: Cinn-A-Stack French Toast at IHOP . So sweeeeeeeeet. They're delicious!

The League: I dunno. Uhm. The McRib.


Wow. No two Leaguers wanted to share their love of the same food. ach of you is as unique as your tongueprint. Congrats.

Boo goes out to Mr. Bobcat for simultaneously praising the peanut butter and nanner sandwich while dissing the King. We have few rules here at The League, but one of them is that we do not discuss the ugly realities of The King and, rather, choose to believe in the imaginary icon that The King should mean to us all.

Also, a "boo" for Nord who is eating the very cute baby goats. You've made Jamie cry. She loves the cute baby goats.

Special points for Tamara for not running in fear from.. what was it? Garlic ice cream? That sounds great with, like, artichoke sauce. Bleah. I'm going to have to take your word on that. At least you were keeping the vampires away while getting a delicious treat.

Well, this has been a real eye-opener for us here at The League. You people seem willing to shove any old item down your food hole as long as someone tells you it's okay, and you don't even need a bet to do it.

You're all crazy. Aside from Steanso, who stuck close to Steans Bros. nature and chose the deep fried item. And Jamie. Who chose "Sugar" as her answer. And Jim, who chose "tea". That sounds safe. I might actually try it.
We have early, unconfirmed reports that LaLa is engaged.

stay tuned as events develop.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Words fail me.


Thanks to Jim D. for the link.
The Stupendous Sixth Question

We're more or less off and running. Hope you guys took a break for the weekend. I did.

The sixth question was produced in order to get ya'll to open up and tell The League a little bit about yourself. Some of you went macrocosmic, some of you went a little more personal. Some of you play your cards a little close to the vest. And a heck of a lot of you went gushy. Here's how it trickled out...

Question 6:

You know what was the most amazing day this year?

Eric Nordtrom: The day I won my first trial.

Tamara: (editor's note: no answer. but I am sure she meant to say "The day I realized how fulfilling it is to participate in The League of Melbotis Awards.")

Natalie: Personally? Moving into my own apartment for the first time in my life. Globally? Live 8? I guess?

Jim D.: No, please tell me. I must have missed it. In fact, I know I did.

Ryan V.: Umm….

Peabo: Okay, it wasn’t 2005, but the Rose Bowl. Hell, even the Rose Bowl against Michigan was great. Or the Ohio St. game (which I was at as well). I don’t cry easily, but I experienced levels of euphoria and joy that are too sacred to mention. Best. Game. Ever.

Denise: Turning 30 while in Jamaica. Spent the day with my husband snorkeling, sailing on a catamaran, horseback riding, swimming, eating and getting very drunk. Ahhh..Yeah Mon! No problem, Mon! Irie. Irie. Will I go back? Yeah Mon!

RHPT: Every day I spend with my loving wife is amazing.

Nathan: You would think I would say March 18, 2006, the day Samantha was born, but I think I would vote for the next day, the day it finally sank in, as Renata and I rested in our darkened hospital room, watching "The Ten Commandments" on a hospital TV, the rain gently brushing the window, and Sam-I-Am swaddled up a few feet away.

Social Bobcat: the day i messed around playing hoops and got a triple-double; i didn't even have to use my AK, i have to say it was a good day, nay an amazing one.

Maxwell: The day Texas won the National Championship. Do you believe? We believe! Texas! Texas! Yee-haw!

Harms: The most amazing day was the day my girlfriend and I went to San Francisco for the first time together. It was something that I knew would be a nice day, but I never knew how nice.

We drove up early in the morning and found good parking in The Mission. We walked to Ti Couz and had great breakfast crepes. She looked great and her hair was so soft. She wore a knit pink sweater that buttoned up near the throat.

After breakfast we wandered up the mission streets and I went to Borderlands and bought, from an independent book seller, the new Harry Potter. After that we drove up to the Golden Gate and walked across it together.

The fog was coming in thick and billowy and about halfway across you couldn't see either spit of land. We stood and listened to the fog-horns bellow and I thought about just how great she was.

She tells me that when she got to the other side she decided she was in love with me. I love this idea: we started as a boy and a girl on a bridge, we ended a boy and a girl in the early rush of love with one another.

It was a good day.

Steanso: I'm not sure I had an amazing day this year, which in retrospect is potentially depressing. How many other people had amazing days? (I'm sure that people who got married or had a kid or something will plug that in as their "amazing day", but I didn't do any of that. I had lots of good days, but they were mostly just collections of small moments spent with friends, family, and Cassidy. Back when I was out of work last summer I remember having one day when I was floating in Barton Creek with just Cassidy and no one else was at the creek and I could hear birds, bugs, wind in the trees, and water gurgling and it was just insanely peaceful and relaxing and I had one of those moments of realization which rarely occur while you're living them in which I thought, "This is just about perfect..."

CrackBass: I imagine the horns winning the Rose Bowl, is the one that stands out…

Reed-o: May 16th, 2005

No question. The day my wife, Jennifer, gave birth to our first child, a daughter, Meredith Cynthia Shaw at home, without drugs, and a 30 plus hour labor. The most amazing thing I have ever seen a human being do.

D. Loyd: 2/21/06. My daughter's birthday.

Jamie: Since the year is only a few months old, I'd say last Saturday. My brother, Doug, and his girlfriend Kristen were here and we all went to the zoo. Every day at the zoo is a happy day! Yay aminals!!

The League: Infidels! I have scientific proof that the greatest event in recent memory was UT's victory in the Rose Bowl game. I could not sleep. I could not work the day afterward. You all can have the births of your babies and falling in love. I wanted my national championship.

Also, seeing Jamie in the recovery room post-surgery on the day after Thanksgiving, and knowing all had gone well. Thanks to the drugs, she couldn't remember seeing me immediately after surgery, but she could remember that The Suns had won their game.

Also, the day Lucy actually "sat" on command. We thought we'd gotten our hands on the first dog to survive without a brain. Sadly, that was also the last command Lucy ever really learned.

A day that should not go without mention: The bizarro day in Beaumont with Jim D., RHPT, Peabo, Steanso and Jamie. A wonderful day despite the technical difficulties.


Well, from a numerical standpoint, ya'll are having a lot of babies. It's babies ahoy here at The League of Melbotis. You guys have to fight over which kid wins. The League does not play favorites. Also, isn't it time CrackBass got cranking and had a kid? If you don't step up to the plate, I am sure Steanso will...

UT Football also gets a mad shout out for it's National Championship and for reminding Southern Californians that just because they think so doesn't make it so.

The "Boo" goes out to Jim D. for his failure to identify anything pleasant in the past year. Randy is a close contender for being completely whipped.

Ryan V. gets the coveted "..." award for his non-answer.

No special award is given out on this one, which mean everyone who tried on this one gets the award. It's too tough to pick one out when people are sharing a unique experience.

Oh, heck, Peabo wins extra points for admitting to weeping like a wee school girl over a football game. The League, being manly, swears he didn't cry. Really.

Folks with babies win other extra points for showing promise as parents. However, we'll check back in 14 years to see how that's going. By the way, learn how works now.

Steanso wins special points for admitting he'd make a great bum. Which, really, gives him negative points.

And, lastly, Harms gets special mention for having a lovely vignette to share, which, if repeated, will lead him into RHPT territory next year. Congrats on finding love, Harms. It's the biggest miracle in this crooked old world when two folks can find one another and the planets and stars align in your favor.