League of Melbotis

The Notorious Question Number Nine

Human sexuality. It's an odd, frightening beast. People tend to go absolutely nutzo over the topic.

With the inundation of TV into our culture, I am both relieved and grateful that you all did not decide to pick a person they knew, because I couldn't handle the fall-out. TV's given us a vast landscape of secret crushes and programs we watch for all the wrong reasons. It happens and it's okay. Just no stalking, people.

So this was every Leaguer's opportunity to reveal their secret crush.

Let me also say I'm impressed with the candor here. Although Mr. Bobcat was curiously silent...

Question 9:

I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?

Eric Nordtrom: Lois Griffin.

Tamara: Second runner-up: Allen Greenspan. Austrian-school economics makes for sizzling pillow talk . . . plus, he sort of reminds me of Droopy Dog, for whom I also harbor a secret crush.

First runner-up: Don Rumsfeld. Supremely confident, unabashed, this man don't suffer no fools. In the words of the inimitable (thank God!) Paris, "That's hot."

Heretofore-unmentioned steaminess winner: Werner Herzog. "Burden of [MY] Dreams"!

Natalie: Anderson Cooper. Mmm.

Jim D.: Well, the way this question is asked, or at least the way that I parse it, suggests that I should name someone who you wouldn't ordinarily consider to meet the traditional definition of "hotness" but who, upon further reflection, is indeed hot.

All I can say, though, is that I have been watching the BBC show "Hustle" on AMC, and you will find my answer to this question here. Alas.

Ryan V.: Karen from Will & Grace, a show I have come to loathe.

Peabo: I’m married. I no longer look at woman like objects. Having said that, Laura Bush. Okay, maybe hot is an extreme exaggeration, but she has aged gracefully. Easily the best looking first lady ever.

Denise: Legolas Greenleaf, AKA Orlando Bloom. Not hot in other roles. Hot as an elf.

RHPT: I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to say: "Colin Farrell". Say what you will about his acting or his movies, but he's a good looking man.

Nathan: Redheads.

Social Bobcat: (editor's note: no answer.)

Maxwell: Philip Seymour Hoffman. What?

Harms: Well first of all, my honey. She's smokin'. I take it that you want someone famous though. Here goes.

Kelly Reilly. Actress, British. Starred in "L'Auberge Espagnol" and had a cameo as Mr. Bingley's sister is the new version of Pride and Prejudice. While she was undoubtedly pretty in the clever quarter-life crisis movie, she was pre-Raphaelite cripplingly stunning in the latter.

Steanso: Grace Park, who plays Lieutenant Sharon Valerii, callsign "Boomer" on Battlestar Galactica. Always been damn good looking, but there's competition on that show...

CrackBass: Justin Timberlake?

Reed-o: No doubt. Katee Sackhoff.

D. Loyd: Allyson Hannigan. And I HAVE said it.

Jamie: Hmm...I think this is a trick question for my husband to find someone to tease me about. Nonetheless, I shall answer and answer truthfully for fear of getting the Boo. Daniel Dae Kim from LOST. But I would scratch the 'kind of' from that statement.

The League: Oh my. This is a tough one. For the love of Mike, I've got a column called "Dames in the Media The League Once Dug". Do I bear any secret crushes? And how many times can I bring up Lynda Carter without getting in trouble with the wife?

It seems in poor taste on the 25th anniversary of the attempt on Pres. Reagan to bring up Jodie Foster, so I will not. But, you know, uh, Jodie Foster. She had me at "Lambs. The lambs were screaming."

Anyway, Jamie suggested I bring up the next candidate for DITMTLOD, which would be vintage-Trek Lt. Uhura. But that would be using up a perfectly good DITMTLOD. (You guys can have your Yeoman Rand. Give me a sassy comm officer any day.)

So, anyhow, I didn't bring it up, but you know who was kind of hot? "Sister Mary Jane" from the A&E series "Rollergirls". She was six feet of hard-hitting Roller Derby action. You just can't go wrong with that. And she throws a mean right hook in a fight.

RESULTS

I'm watching the wrong shows. Apparently the ladies of "BattleStar Galactica" are quite easy on the eye. However, Jim D., a steadfast BG supporter has turned his affections elsewhere.

I'll be honest, Peabo takes the cake for the answer that surprised me the most. He managed to trump even RHPT, who managed to find a way to answer the question without incorporating his gaga affection for The Mysterious M, which is what I had expected. Peabo, my friend of 20-odd years, you continue to blow my mind.

Shit. I totally didn't call you on your birthday. Happy belated birthday, Peabo.

Harms gets a nod for including his new girlfriend. Again, do it next year and we shall all make fun of what a sissy you've become.

Maxwell picks an unusual but understandable choice.

Nathan gives a nice blanket answer.

Natalie picks a surprising one. I fear she will become one of those weird ladies who joins an online club called something like "Anderson's Chicken-Coop".

Tamara shows a naughty side none of us suspected... quadruple points, by order of the Pentagon.

In no way does Jamie's selection surprise me. Sometimes the less you say, the more it reveals. She's just been pulling for this "Jin" fellow a suspicious amount.

Nord, my man, we're going to have to talk about your interest in bulbous headed cartoon mothers of three. You've got yourself an interesting little crush there. Care to elaborate?

Anyhoo, no "boo". Ya'll were largely honest, so I see no reason to "boo" any of you. Well, maybe Mr. Bobcat.

And, Denise, based on your apparent proclivities, have I got a man for you....