Friday, December 16, 2005


You know, somehow Christmas and Wookies keep intersecting here at The League.

Longtime Leaguer Peabo sends along this Christmas entertainment that's fun and safe for the whole family. No seriously. My co-workers enjoyed this, too.

Crank up your speakers, especially if you're at work.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dear Iraq,

Best of luck on your upcoming elections.

I don't pretend to try to understand the vast social issues and religious/ ethnic issues that seem to make-up most news about Iraq. I am not sure how the whole thing is going to play out, but I'm also a glass-half-empty kind of guy.

Let me give you some friendly hints from your Ol' Uncle League on living in a quasi-democracy.

I've decided to make this a print out so you can clip and put in your pocket as a quick study guide while getting ready to vote.

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1) Your candidate will probably lose. Especially in a plural-party society, which is what I think you guys have. Yes, this is frustrating as hell, but as a registered Democrat in AZ and formerly in Texas, I can assure you that you soon learn that the feelings of despair will go away. Do not pick up a gun to remove all opposition. This will not lead to more elections which will go your way.

Try liquor instead.

2) You will stand in a curiously slow moving line for a great deal of time. Yes, old people in front of you will seem not to actually know what they are voting for and you will hear some lady brightly declare whom she is voting for and why, which will reveal the fact that she has completely misinterpted or confused what she heard on the radio during the Wacky Morning Wake-Up Show's 1 minute of news between the Brangelina update and a Paris Hilton fart joke. Yes, she still gets to vote. Do not get discouraged. Do not pick up a gun to try to shorten the line. This will not lead to a speedier voting process.

Try liquor instead.

3) The winning candidates will assume God wanted them to win and suggest that God does not like your candidate (ie: You). Do not pick up a gun to try ot convince them otherwise. This will not lead to God liking your candidate (ie: You) more.

Try liquor instead. Or prayer. Maybe they pray better than you. You call that piety? My grandma's more pious than your infidelic ass. Shit.

4) An oddity of the democratic process is that sometimes really stupid things which appeal to people but which aren't actually a good idea in the long term will win the ballot. Do not pick up a gun to try to change the situation. This will not lead to you getting light-rail in your area.

I would suggest liquor, but that won't get you to work any more efficiently. Perhaps coffee?

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That's my guide to democracy. I don't know what it's actually like to have your opinions carried by your representative or for a candidate you selected (unless you count the time I voted in the Blockbuster Movie Awards), but something like 1-in-5 of you will experience a shred of that joy. I'm heard it's joyous. I still don't really know.

Oh, and no matter how much it seems to make sense at the time, do not vote for Ralph Nader. You will spend years (yes, YEARS) wishing you hadn't decided that you'd chosen that particular moment in the booth as your chance to take a pot-shot at the two-party system.

Again, if you do vote for Nader, liquor helps. And maybe a gun. That's still up in the air.


Your Uncle League

PS: Pro-wrestlers and actors make suspiciously likable candidates but get mixed results in their actual jobs once elected.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Leage of Melbotis 2005 Year in Review, Part 1

It's the end of 2005. Well, no, I mean, we've got a few weeks left, but we imagine we're going to be rather indisposed during those crucial weeks. And if VH1 can already have it's 2005 Year in Review show, The League can slap together our own little list.

Moment I Wish I Could Quash Forever From My Mind: Watching the news all day after Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and hearing the various local leaders pleading for assistance and knowing none was coming. The effect was doubled by FEMA's arrogant insistence that they had the situation under control when they very clearly did not, especially the interview in which FEMA learned of the folks holed up in the Convention Center.

And then bracing for Rita. Actually, just quash late-September thru Halloween. Thanks.

Best Addition to League HQ: Lucy "Goosey" Pumpkinpie. The little nipper has been nothing but a peeing, poop-eating bundle of joy. I'd feel worse about the terror Jeff the Cat now lives in, but he sort of deserves it.

Oddest Moment of the Year: Standing in the Post-Op room after Jamie had her Thanksgiving Friday surgery, listening to soft-rock Christmas songs with the nurses and recounting for Jamie's amusement the Suns game I'd watched while she was in surgery. I didn't get into too many specifics as I knew full well she was under so much anaesthesia, she wouldn't even know I'd talked to her. And then in the morning she didn't remember talking to me, but she knew the Suns had won.

Also, being woken up in the waiting room at 3:00AM by some person telling me "The cafeteria's open for another half hour!"

Greatest Personal Acheivement, 2005: None. I can't think of one useful thing I did in 2005. Did I do ANYTHING? I can't remember. It sure doesn't seem like it.

Greatest Personal Letdown: Realizing I did nothing in 2005 about ten seconds ago. Well, this year hasn't been a super amount of fun, so, you know, I guess it stands to reason. Still... Hmmm.

Ya'll excuse The League while he goes off to stick his head in the oven.

Okay, we're back! Electric oven.

Topic the League has been Far Too Obsessed With: Infinite Crisis. If you think The League talks too much about comics here, Jamie has to put up with it at home. I suspect her many trips to the hospital have been in order to escape my endless ranting on the genius of DC Comics this year.

Best Moment on TV:

Best Moment on JLU: The Flash taking out Brainiac. If you missed it, I pity you. Go, Wally.

Athlete of the Year: Vince Young. Wait... what was your answer? You are wrong. I have pie graphs and star charts which prove you are wrong. I, personally, want to pick Shawn Marion of The Suns, but this year, I gotta go with Vince.

League's Actor of the Year: Steve Carell, for The 40-Year Old Virgin and the under-rated American version of The Office. If you're one of the folks turning your nose up at the American version, get over yourself. You're missing one of the funniest shows on American TV. But we pick Steve mostly for not becoming an annoying celebrity.

Actress of the Year: That one red-headed actress who is in like half the commercials on TV. Way to go red-headed actress. Your agent is really working overtime!

Politician of the Year: Nobody won this category this year.

Greatest Injustice Which isn't Really an Injustice of the Year: Cancellation of Arrested Development. We knew they were pure evil at Fox for cancelling Andy Richter a few years ago, but then keeping The War at Home?

Best Comic Moment of the Year: Infinite Crisis #1. Batman tells Superman "The last time you really inspired anyone was when you were dead." Ouch. Immediately followed by the return of Superman from Earth 2.

Comic fans who didn't enjoy this issue are dead inside.

Worst Comic Moment of the Year: So many, many to choose from. I would have to say realizing that the 12-issue "City of Crime" story in Detecetive Comics wasn't going to get any better in issue #8, and knowing all too well I would still finish out the series anyway.

Best Comic Movie of the Year: Batman Begins. Yes, yes... Sin City was more daring, and A History of Violence was on all kinds of critics' lists. But Batman Begins was the Batman movie I'd been wanting to see since I was 12. Plus, it made me fall in love with the Batmobile all over again.

Most Unnecessarily Exciting Moment of the Year: Trailer for Superman Returns on Smallville.

Most Unnecessarily Depressing Moment of the Year: Aquaman on Smallville.

Loyal Leaguer of the Year: Jim D. for hosting the Superman screening in Beaumont, Texas. Yes, Jim, the projector broke and all the bars were closed, but none of that can be considered your fault. I blame Randy.

Thing I would Normally Never Admit, but I Shall Admit Here: Every week, without fail, I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition". I don't even like it, but I watch it every damn week. Why is that?

This is sort of fun for me, even if it's not fun for you. I decided this was only Part 1 a while ago. I shall do a Part 2 later.

Keep your eyes peeled. And if you have any other ideas for categories, just put them in the comments section below. Thanks!

Monday, December 12, 2005

The League in other media!

Hey, Leaguers!

Nathan Cone of San Antonio based Texas Public Radio has asked The League to do a review of the recently released Adventures of Superman Season 1 DVD collection.

Nathan posted The League's $0.02 on the series. Click here to read The League's review.

Also, I've reposted the review on, which I am sure nobody is visiting.