Thursday, May 22, 2003

click here

Random house is publishing a new book about Alex Ross's work with text by Chip Kidd.

Mel Report:

Mel is okay. He was a little jumpy last night during Idol, but he settled down when I got him up on the couch with me. I am taking him to the vet tomorrow to be boarded while we sail off to Houston. I will miss him. He is my buddy and I don't like to think of him being scared at night around all those strange dogs. He will take several tennis balls and BooBoo for comfort. I will also try and select a blanket that I will no longer care about. Poor guy. I hope he does okay.

Anyway, have a good Memorial Day and try not to remember that in 1998, this was the Holiday which brought us Godzilla. Actually this picture is deceptively cool. Do not be fooled by it. This movie stinks.
Here's some good news, I think. Tim Burton says he might direct a remake of Willy Wonka.

WARNING: The blog post below has links to some family-unfriendly fare.

Jim D. suggested I post about www.pornolize.com

And I did, and then I pulled most of the post back down. I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory. Go to town, kids.

Victory for the Big Man

I am a Big Man. I am around 6'5" and retain a consistent panda bear shape. I made it to my black belt at this weight, and I assure you, in a contest of survival, I could kill you and eat you. You would not stand a chance. These are the advantages of being a Big Man.

A small victory for the Big Man occured this evening when American Idol's Ruben Studdard became the Season 2 American Idol. I hope he celebrates with a 72 oz. steak and a tup of cool whip. God Bless America.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

So I don't think it's a secret that I watch Smallville each and every week. Jamie complained last night at the end that she doesn't like several aspects of the show anymore, but I'm kind of digging it more than ever. For those of you who do not watch, Smallville is a show about the weekly events in the life of a young Superman. The gag is, he's not Superman yet, he's just a farm kid named Clark Kent. Last season was kind of goofy and faux-X-Filesish. They had a freak of the week, blah blah blah... But in order to set up of drama that would attract 14 year old girls, in some ways, Smallville has become more Archie than Superman.

Clark = Archie
Lana = Veronica
Chloe = Betty
Pete = Jughead
Jonathan = Pop
Lex = Reggie
Lionel = Mr. Lodge

Anyway, this season they jettisoned the super villain of the week premise and are going for over-arching story-arcs around Clark being an alien. Christopher Reeve made an appearance, Terence Stamp played the voice of Jor-El. And Red K made an appearance like 3 times.

I also watched the final contest on American Idol (hits! hits! hits!, c'mon hits!) If i could have gotten through last night, my vote would have gone to Ruben Studdard. Look, Clay is a nice guy, i am sure, but he also sings the kind of music I grew up hating in a fashion that I grew up absolutely loathing. He's Richard Marx, he's Rick Astley, he's an even less soulful Simply Red, he's a young Michael Bolton (that no-talent ass-clown). He falls beautifully into the category of non-threatening boy, but I'm not looking for who I want to make out with.

American Idol is not devoid of talent. To say that the singers are completely untalented or unskilled would be unkind and unfair. American Idol's greatest downfall is that the music sucks. Really. These are brainless pop tunes for a void and negative industry which can't figure out why nobody buys records anymore and still puts out Jessica Simpson albums. The contestants on the show dig the music (most of the selections which drifted into audial wall-paper decades ago), which does make you sincerely question their taste. Free to steer their own course of destiny, surely these singers would sail headlong into the rock of Gibraltar. That said, the generic, vanilla music used on the show means that, by default, no matter what the performers do on the show, they're only making things suck slightly less with even the best performance. The fact that she picked occasional rock tunes instead of another weepy ballad was what kept Nicky in last years competition for so long. She was a talentless stripper-dork, but she was using Stevie Nicks songs, so it was at least it was INTERESTING compared to yet another Whitney Houston syrupy blather, even when Nicky butchered the vocals.

Clay does his best, but he's putting varnish on plywood. Ruben is slightly better, at least coloring the plywood, but I can't get over him singing Sweet Home Alabama. It doesn't matter. All of these people have contracts now or in the future. I just want to see all the crepe paper fall from the ceiling tonight when somebody wins and Ryan Seacrest celebrating having the easiest job in the world.
Jim sent me this. I need to learn to appreciate the good stuff I've got.
Just Laura has been added to the League. Check out her sunnyside up take on Sea - Addle. I do not know her anymore than I know RANDY T., but thru the crazy webs Jim Dedman weaves, we'll all be linking to one another soon.

Interesting article here

Rummy is now petitioning for testing of new and cooler nuclear weapons. Apparently the weapons Rummy is looking to proliferate and thereby encourage other nations to build is a weapon which would somehow seek out WMD in their secret underground bunkers. I guess that's where he still is guessing Iraq's weapons went. The plan is to drop these magically useful weapons on nations which bury their WMD, say, in the middle of a city, making the weapon, say, useless. Or is it? And, hey, if you're wrong, who the heck knows? because nobody is going to wander into an irradiated area to find out if they got the right spot.

What an evil, evil fuck.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

CORRECTION: My wife (AKA: The Killjoy) has brought to my attention that I am an illiterate boob and that it's 1 in 5 pre-teens who are having sex. Now society is going to say this is wrong, and I find myself hard pressed to disagree with society. Mostly out of spite, I'll admit, because when I was 13 and wearing stained Coca-Cola shirts and working to take 1st chair in the Canyon Vista Middle School Honor's Band Tuba Brigade, curiously, nobody wanted to climb Mt. Steaner.

Teens want to have sex! WOW! The study says it's 1 in 5, but as I recall, as far as the guys I knew in high school, it was 5 in 5. Guys who said they didn't were 1) lying or 2) already having sex or 3) thought I was offering when I asked "are you interested in sex?"

You know, we've got at least two wars going on, Eastern Europe to police and one crazy fat toad man ranting in the DPRK about nuclear annihalation, and CNN has this posted as a headline. Sigh. Didn't the Kinsey Report come out 50 years ago? And why is CNN just finding all of this out now?

Uncle Ry's Helpful Hints:

Uncle Ry wishes a report like this had been released when HE was in high school. In an effort to help you kiddies out there who look to your Uncle Ry for guidance, we've provided a helpful synopsis of what you should take away from this very complicated report:
Look for the girls who smoke cigarettes either behind the school or in their cars on the way to school. These girls are much, much more fun than the girls at the prayer meetings or who volunteer in the library. The girls who smoke will save you a LOT of trouble in the long run.

And in a moment of weirdness, my ex-roommate's husband has gotten some real-estate on Ain't It Cool News with a film he's working on about a guy with elephantitus of the gonads. I just lived with her, I claim no responsibility for she or her husband.

Monday, May 19, 2003

MIRACLE MONDAY

I took out the Miracle Monday image. For some reason it's been totally causing problems with loading the page.

Apparently today is Miracle Monday. Miracle Monday has disappointingly little to do with Mel Brooks or even Gregory Hines. Rather, Elliot S! Maggin wrote a Superman comic which took place in the future (let's say in 5902), and followed up with a "novel" which you can buy online. Miracle Monday is kind of like Passover, except instead of waiting for a prophet, you set a place at your table for Superman to show up. In the year 5902 crime, war, poverty and poor hygiene have all been eradicated thanks to Superman's influence in the 21st Century, but Superman disappeared, so he's supposed to be returning on "Miracle Monday." Like, you know, Passover or Easter or Festivus or something.

Okay, I like my comics, but this is kind of creepy even to me. Of course I find Groundhog's Day creepy, so obviously it doesn't take much to shake me. Anyhow, Good Miracle Monday, as they say in 5902. Have some nachos and make a plate for the Man of Steel.
Interesting. The BBC and other foreign press have been talking a great to-do about Private Lynch's rescue from an Iraqi hospital. It seems that the actual circumstances of Lynch's liberation are a mystery, wrapped in enigma, smothered in secret sauce. When Lynch was heroically rescued from the Iraqi hospital, CNN and other sources stated that a diversionary force was sent in, and was under fire. BBC says now that possibly things may have not been quite as heroic as they were portrayed (there have been reports that there was no actual firefight and possibly blanks were used). From my personal recollection of the video footage, I recall gunfire in the background, but I'm also as reliable as a Firestone tire, so take that as you will. Also, note the dismissive farewell the US anchor drops at the end of the interview.

Ever since CNN ran a story about how the photos Bush used at the UN of nuclear basis in Iraq were fakes, I've been a bit jittery.

Sometimes I miss Hoover.

It was only a matter of time...

And in an amazing bit of restraint for Hollywood, I was amazed to read this very candid explanation today of why the Mr. Show movie "Run, Ronnie, Run" had never been released.

I've added a new phrase to my vocabulary: Recreational Shopping. It's something I've done for years, but Arizona has brought out the bored consumer within me. Today's little spree ended in the purchase of two new screwdrivers (I lost my standard flathead and philips... most curious), a pack of scredriver heads for my power-drill (all Craftsman, of course), and a package of blue socks (from Target). I think I got away okay this time, and I actually needed all of these items (well, the screwdriver heads I might need one day in the future...). Past excursions have ended in the purchase of Playstations, metal cats, and a remote controlled car that runs into a robot with the push of a button.

It finally broke 100 degrees this weekend in The Valley of the Sun. When I moved here last June 1st and it was 104 degrees, I kept asking everyone "when will it end?" "Sometime around Halloween," they'd say, and the week of Halloween it cooled off. Since then, everything's been peachy. But no longer. Sol took to the sky and began cooking my chubby little innards around Thursday afternoon. I now have the next 5 months to stew in my own juices. Mel was devastated by the change, and keeps forgetting it's hot out. He runs outside, then immediately returns to the door. It's going to be a long summer.

On Friday I am returning to Houston for a whirlwind trip in which I will be celebrating my mother's retirement. She's taking a well-deserved break after teaching public school for the past 30 years. The actual start date is earlier, but she took a few years off to give birth to my brother and myself, and to ensure her littercould read as well as bone and skin our own kills. She received her degree from Northern Michigan University and her masters from Univ. of Florida. Her first job in Florida coincided with the desgregation of schools in Florida, and her final job has been teaching a bunch of little goobers at Kaiser Elementary in Klein ISD, Texas. I salute my mum for putting up with the world's second most thankless job (after Distance Learning manager, which I ASSURE you is a labor of love and not money). She's a hell of lady, and she's seen more kids learn their ABCs than you can shake a stick at. My old man, being the capitalist raider he is, has been kept from becoming a corporate monster by her good deeds in the classroom and for the other 6 hours a day of job-related hoo-hah she's done for the past thirty years. I am proud to say that this year she won the award for Teacher of the Year for her school. We should all be so lucky to have a teacher like my mom. Unless it's the middle of July, and you're on the porch doing math homework assigned to "keep you frosty until school starts" while all the neighbor kids are watching the A-Team and enjoying ice cream.

If you'd like to e-mail my mum to congratulate her on her retirement and to thank her for her tireless work in the classroom, you can do it here: ksteans@kleinisd.net



Friday, May 16, 2003

Texas Democrats in Oklahoma? Anyone wondering why Democrats, or any sane person, would reject the Texas GOP proposed redistricting plans need only look at this map. Whole cities are broken into bizarre chunks to minimize the effects of large groups of voters, areas are wrapped around voting blocks in unnatural curves and coves in order to avoid any potential threat. Yet, somehow, the Panhandle is a solid mass.

If the GOP is this interested in maintaining a majority, they should try actually meeting the needs of their constituents. In the meantime, pillaging whole cities of their ability to fairly elect candidates which represent the constituency is as undemocratic and even unrepublican as voter fraud (thanks, LBJ!). Anyone genuinely interested in serving the public would not feel the need to go to lengths this deceitful. By winning the game at any cost, the GOP threatens to undermine the very fundamentals the game was based upon.

The fallout of this exodus is going to be as hard felt as the ousting of the Republicans at the end of Reconstruction. In order to achieve anything for the remainder of the term, Texas Democrats will have to be prepared for nothing but an uphill battle. They've finally pulled the tiger's tail, but perhaps after 140 years of domination, it's fair to ask them to work for their seats and right to represent.
The Amazing Dedman has pointed me toward an article in the Houston Chronicle about a man who claims to have originally dreamed up American Idol, a concept he claims to have pitched in 1994 to several production companies in the US and Europe. He also claims that he DOES, in fact, have evidence of the pitches and the time at which he made them.

As American Idol is widely known to have originated from a show broadcast in the UK called "Pop Idol" (which also sounds like a creepy breakfast cereal to me), one wonders if there is any truth to the man's claims. The gentleman is asking for $300 million.

You know, I do lay awake at night trying to figure out how to make the big score, and this seems like as good a scheme as any. But here's the deal, kids... when you start making any money, someone is always going to want a piece of you and your fortune. Someone is always going to be trying to make a grab. If you get rich, do it low profile.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Somehow I have offended the gods.

Almost everyday now I get a spam/ junk e-mail about getting a new septic tank. I've never looked for a septic tank online, I don't live where I can use a septic tank, and frankly, I don't think I'd buy one online anyway. I think, like buying shoes, it's something you need to feel out for yourself before you purchase it.

At least e-mails offering me porn would be interesting, but I don't get those. No, I get offered great deals on septic tanks and "male enhancement."
In the "Why Does God Hate Me?" category, the boobs running Warner Bros. pictures are apparently so distracted by The Matrix franchise, that a legion of 14 year old girls has seized the production offices and is making ridiculous demands.

while just a rumor, superherohype.com is reporting that Justin Timberlake of N'Sync is up for the role of Superman in the upcoming and ultimately doomed Superman feature film franchise. I hate Warner Bros. today. Seriously. Why is this being allowed to happen?

I understand that LA is a town in which creative decisions are made for business reasons and a lot of weird things can happen, but I think it doesn't take a genius to know that Justin Timberlake is not the first person to spring to mind when Superman casting is mentioned. This is not creative casting or even stunt casting. This rumor indicates a sad grab at dollars from 14 year old girls. The irony being that this will alienate pretty much any male between 16 and 80. Hollywood must be quite the wonderbubble to live in. Imagine a world where you might actually consider making this casting decision.

I am sure this is a rumor gone awry, but it highlights the fact that the Superman movie project is so out of control that anything is possible. From prior reports of their casting selection, the script must be focusing on a juvenile version fo the character, which is completely crazy based on the current and successful version of a Young Superman in the WB's own Smallville. Tom Welling, who plays young Clark Kent is twice TImberlake's size, and has established himself.

Someone needs to tell them not to make this movie until the stupid level gets turned down a notch.

Mad props to the good folks at RHPT.com for linking to The League. We do our best, and always appreciate a little support. Or at least what we assume was support. Again, as people I don't know read this site, my paranoia increases.

Matrix Madness had consumed the Chandler Fashion Center Harkins 24 last night. I went to the Atomic Comics to go pick up a long box and an X-men trade I had on order, and lo and behold, betwixt the buildings were many a Gen-Y'er awaiting the midnight release of Matrix Reloaded.

I wish all Matrix fans the best of luck. May you not have need to experience the same six months of denial and wasted energy defending Reloaded that I spent defending The Phantom Menace (Jim D. can verify my bout with insanity). All I'm saying is that I spent five hours in line to see that damn movie, and it left me so crazed and delirious that I was not in my right mind until I viewed Phantom Menace on home video.

Melbotis update: A while back I gave Mel one of Jamie's socks to play with. It's totally disgusting now, and I don't know what to do about it. Lately he's really wanted me to hang onto the other end and play tug-o-war, but here's the problem: Jamie has little feet and little socks. Mel has a big, slobbery mouth. The sock is vile to the touch. I need to get out some of my old socks to at least give me a little breathing room.

Oh, and in order to get more hits, I'll mention American Idol. I always double my hits when I mention American Idol. I don't care who wins as we learned from last season, all of the bottom four or five will get record contracts. Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard need to do a buddy cop movie that takes place in the Deep South, and it needs to be a musical.

If I mention the chillingly, vacuously talentless Kimberly Caldwell, I also get many, many more hits. I can never figure out if it's from little girls or dirty old men. And why do they like the same things?

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

As our nation's leaders stomp around the country repeating "jobs" and "growth" (which is actually printed on the Presidential back drop these days) in support of Bush's new tax cut, I'd like to take a moment of pause.

If we're cutting $550 Billion from the budget, but increasing military spending, by default, won't the federal government have to release people from their government jobs?

$550 billion

reduced to the amount it would equate to evenly over 11 years (which I think is the plan) = $50,000,000,000

divided by, say $40,000 a year over 11 years

could eliminate around 1,250,000 jobs.

Now the $550 billion cut does not include the proposed plans to increase military spending, so potentially more jobs are looking at getting the axe, but I guess that's where military recruiting will fit in.

Of course the federal government isn't planning on killing over a million jobs (I think), so what is going to have to go? Surely education won't mind a $9 billion cut. Or healthcare. People certainly do not need healthcare. But our need for a laser armed space station is clear.

I look forward to a future of stupid, sick people where we've outlawed McDonald's and can wipe enemies off the face of the earth with a laser bolt a la Real Genius.

How to keep relevant and tie this into Melbotis? Look, Mel doesn't know much about this federal government thingie, but he isn't exactly clear on how this is going to help spur spending by consumers if many, many of them lose their jobs and people are spending all of their money trying to stay healthy while raising property taxes so schools aren't shut down. Mel's also a little concerned that maybe this tax cut will support businesses and people who already have enough money to buy volumes of stock large enough that they actually give a shit about how many times their dividends get taxed. But maybe I'm putting words in his mouth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

It's days like today when I truly miss The Lone Star State.

And Jim D. has informed me that somebody out there hit his site after searching for "melbotis cancer" on MSN.com. it is possible it was my brother, but that seems a bit odd.

Monday, May 12, 2003

So yesterday I was doing the weekly whacking of the weeds with my Craftsman when I banged my head on a branch in my backyard. It didn't hurt that bad. I was mostly just kind of surprised.
Twenty minutes later I went out to mow my lawn with my Craftsman when I began to wonder if my head had bled at all when I popped it against the branch. Just the previous morning I had watched a televangelist talking about how the scalp is one of the most well-veined parts of the body, but I had experienced no blood loss that I could assess.
So when I reached up and touched my head I noticed I had something attached to my head. Apparently I had driven a thorn through my scalp and straight into the lining around my skull, and possibly into my skull. Zowie!
Anyway, I'm here to tell you folks, there are few things weirder feeling (albeit rather painless) than pulling something out of your own noggin.

Melbotis update: We took Mel to the place where he will be boarded when we go to Hoston. He had to go in for an inspection. They shot something up his nose to prevent Kennel Cough, but it didn't really phase him.
I do think he'll be a little freaked as he is not well socialized with other dogs. But he is a good boy, and I am sure he will be fine.

And this is kind of cool. It's great how people make their own fun. I get the knives and goblins and whatnot, but what's up with role-playing the clapping wench? Not much of a fantasy life, I guess. LIGHTNING BOLT!!!!

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Well, I finally dragged my sorry carcass to go and see X2 (X-Men United) last night. It was pretty damn good. Huzzah for Nightcrawler.

The trailers got me thinking, and I'm going out on a limb to admit something here: I don't like the Matrix. Really. I'm the guy who walked out at the end into cold daylight and didn't see what the big deal was.

I thought the original Matrix was just kind of dumb. Not Dean Devlin Godzilla dumb, but kind of stupid. Thus, I feel a little left out these days when I see all of these trailers for the sequel or whatever it is to The Matrix. I just don't care. From a script point, the Matrix felt like the mad ramblings of a comic reading 9th grader who recently discovered Tae Kwon Do and Jet Li.

By the end of original Matrix, I was cheering for Mr. Smith to wipe out all of these fashion victims and their hi-flying hoo-hah. I mean, cheering for the humans in the Matrix is a little like cheering for the cows in a western. What will poor Mr. Smith eat if he can't eat people? We all appreciate Optimus Prime for protecting humanity from the Decepticons, but at the end of the day, he's going to turn around and need a big 'ol energon sandwich, too, and where's he going to get it? Odds are, he's going to be eyeing our precious natrual resources as well. And it ain't like we're using them wisely, oh mighty drivers of the Hummer.

I'm no engineer, but I know using people for powering your killer squid robots has got to be the dumbest source of energy that these space men/ Skynet folks could have possibly sought... if they were looking for a clean, replinishable energy source, solar and tidal power, as well as windmills are far more efficient and less likely to revolt against you. Hell, a tire fire is more efficient. And all the wasted power in keeping humans alive? I mean, the energy expenditure in lighting those tubes and keeping the people, batteries warm can't possibly be giving you better than a 15% return on your investment. Has no one noticed how much energy we suck up and how much food, etc... we have to consume? I think the assumption is that these people must all be Canadians and are eating one another so there is no wasted energy, but to accomplish this, every Canadian would have to eat like 10 other Canadians a year just to keep going, and in the end, we'd have run out of Candians faster than you can say "Socializied Medicine." And wouldn't cows be easier to keep happy in floating bubbles (plus you could mine the methane gas for additional energy)?

We've also been led to believe that the evil spacemen/ Skynet control the environment of the Matrix, so why not drop a huge virtual block on Neo & Co.? Or take away the doors when they're in a room? Or drop a virtual atom bomb on them? Kung-Fu just seems really inefficient, let alone sending only single individuals or small gorups after them at a time. Why not a virtual SWAT team, or army? Or PTA? i mean, if it comes down to erasing a file folder or two to get at the factions threatening to end your very existence, wouldn't you be willing to drag and drop them into the recycle bin rather than keep banging your head against the wall?

As something that can be a big bag of fun after a couple of beers, I can appreciate the Matrix. Other than that, the holes in the plot were bigger than the holes in a pair of Lucas's threadbare Phantom Menace underoos.

So now we have bad Universal Studios Adventure stand-ins filling commercials shilling beer and Power-Ade. As if this movie needs to find additional sources of revenue. Is Carrie-Ann Moss really too respected to shill beer herself?

Worst of all crimes is that the execs at Warner Bros. have no idea that in re-inventing the Superman story for the upcoming movie, they're ripping off their own product. The script is about fulfilling prophesies with the use of Superpowers. Wow. Is that ever going to look smart after 3 of the highest grossing movies EVER have used the same storyline.

Sigh.

There's nothing wrong with liking The Matrix. It just wasn't my bag. Let's all hope it's better than I think it will be (not that I'll know until it comes on cable).

Friday, May 09, 2003



Friends, Romans, Countrymen...

I found out tonight that Calvin the Ferret died on Tuesday night. Calvin was my brother's ferret, and he'd been sick for the past six months. Not overly sick. I mean, he lost some fur, but his eyes were still bright, and he still did his best to tear things up.

But Calvin was a good guy, and he performed his ferrety duties with aplomb. He leaves behind Jason, Hobbes the Ferret, and quite a ferrety smell.

Calvin spent several years systematically destroying Jason's apartment. He mastered stealing keys and CD's. And this story is true: I caught Calvin stealing CD's in their cases and stacking them inside his kitty carrier. It was the damndest thing I've ever seen. Truly a remarkable weasal. Let him be remembered fondly. I know even as I write this, he's swiping the keys to the pearly gates and letting all the "fun" ferrets in thru the backdoor. He was that kind of guy, and he'll be missed.

Condolensces can be sent to: j_steans@msn.com