Thanks to Jim for the shout out.

Jim's reporting on the Bombs Over Baghdad frat party fiasco at UT has led to him relating a byzantine and very UT'ish plotline.

In reading it, I wonder what became of the hilarious and oft-inebriated "Roller Skate" party from UT circa 1998. (They ran on the premise that President Faulkner was hording hundreds of thousands of roller skates in the upper floors of the UT Tower, and were demanding the release of the roller skates.) They appeared at an actual televised debate for student council completely lit, and proceeded to (unintenionally?) deconstruct the student council debate until it was drunk hipsters v. confused and angry wanna-be anchorlady v. unamused resume padders. I wish I'd taped it. Funniest thirty minutes of TV ever shown on UT's useless TV channel.

Turkey Day Weekend in Review, 2003:

The Texas Longhorns, to nobody's surprise (but that of Reed T. Shaw), were victorious over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies this year, clinching a #6 in BCS standings and coming close to securing some sort of chance for a real bowl game this year. Let's not screw it up, Longhorns.

But, of course, the Dallas Cowboys lost.

Turkey dinner went well. I managed to maintain my vegetarian diet through Thanksgiving dinner and also a wedding reception. No meat for this boy. So very dizzy...

Jamie's cousin Jeff got married to his longtime lady-friend, Shelley, sometime back in August. They got married in Hawaii, and so had a very nice official ceremony here in Phoenix where family could attend, and followed with a reception at a country club somehwere out in the mountians. I was terribly out of place among the golf-set, but I could get used to country club life. I just need to make another $300K a year and learn what the holes are for in golf courses.

In 1989 I, and a few friends, forcibly took the 14th hole at the Spicewood Golf Course in Austin. It was freezing out and we wanted to play football there, and so we bombarded the golfers with gourds we found growing on the bottom of the hill. I am sure it was the most alarming golf game ever played on that course. Long live the heroes of Gourd Hill.

Played and lost a few rounds of the surprisingly un-geeky table-top game "Settlers of Catan". I needed clay. Clay and wood. Curse you unlucky dice rolls!

Last night I met with my group from my class. We're doing a project and will be presenting a week from today. In the usual chatting that occurs off-topic, one of the girls remarked upon how she knew I was from Texas, and how her boyfriend was travelling to Waco for a month on business and started asking me some general questions about Waco, but I was honestly a little hard-pressed for answers, not having ever lived in Waco. But what alarmed me was when she told me how she knew how racist Texas was, and as a precaution, her boyfriend, who has a Spanish surname, would be travelling under a pseudonym in order to avoid any discrimination.

"That's, uh... that's completely unnecessary," I insisted.
"Well, you know, we know how it is out in Texas."
And it really, really bothered me that this is the reputation the state I consider home has somehow garnered. So danergous is the place considered to be, so racist, that people coming in from out of state believe they must travel under a false name in order to do business and avoid discrimination. But with cities like Vidor and cases like that of James Byrd, is it really any wonder?, I asked myself.
But the truth, which i did not share with her (and probably should have) is that these "good 'ol boys" (as she referred to her boyfriend's clients) will be ultimately more suspicious of a 20-something kid from California coming to wheel-and-deal with them than anyone not of anglo appearance or heritage.
But who knows...? Waco is it's own place, and has people of many mindsets, just like anywhere else. Sure, it's got the Baylor influence, or the influence has Baylor (you decide!), but assuming conservativism equates with racism is, at it's best, silly and in no small way discriminatory in itself.
Texas is a vast place geographically, ethnically and culturally. To assume Beaumont holds to the same norms as Austin or Abilene, South Padre, Dallas or El Paso is a pretty bold assertion. Let alone Waco, which sits at the epicenter of the Texas Bible Belt and is large enough yet to accomodate hundreds of thousands of points of view.
But Texas is huge, legendary for it's orneriness in the minds of outsiders. In it's way, Texas is like unto California in a mythical sense. No movie stars here, but isn't it a place run by bible thumpers and cowboys and outlaws, too? Yeah. Sure it is. But that's half the fun now, isn't it? It can live up to the legend and still be a place where that accomodates a million off-shoots of the sterotypes. Hippie cowboys and outlaw politicians running for governor... And why is football so all-encompassing from August to January?
Can you tell today I'm feeling a bit misty for the Lone Star State?
God Bless you, Texas. For you never fail to surprise nor to live up to surpass the dourest of expectations. And you always do it in the most ostentatious way possible.
Man, i need to get back to Texas, just for a little while.

I saw Master and Commander yesterday. Here is my review:

I now feel hopelessly less manly and significantly more land-locked. I should have seen Love Actually to reinforce my false sense of superiority.

while growing more Lex-like in appearance, Reeve demonstrates Super-human will power and becomes a cyborg.

greetings, Leaguers!

Well, Turkey Day comes round tomorrow. Get out your pilgrim hat and find a can of cranberries, because it's that magical time of the year.

I hope each and every one of you enjoys a Super Thanksgiving, and remember... Jell-O pudding cups emptied into a pie crust is not a real desert.


Thanks to Powergirl's poorly designed costume, Superman can think of a a couple of things he's thankful for

Have a happy Turkey Day, and don't forget to watch the Texas Longhorns triumph over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies on Friday at 2:30 CST.

BUSTED

In good faith, i try to keep up with the blogs of all those inked to The League. But as Jim D. has been slacking since the summer, i've only occasionally been checking in with his blog.

Turns out I got some very nice words said about me in the pages of Jim's blog, and I did not note them. You can read them here yourself. It's in the end bit of this posting.

Thanks to Denby for reminding me why i do not work out.

These pictures are totally gross. If you look at them, it's your own problem, you sick bastard.

here and here

In response to my Holiday Heckstravaganza, Nathan Cone of San Antonio, Texas writes:

So, I have a question about your contest. What would you define as the difference between "essential" and "celebrated?" I can think of some things that are essential but not celebrated, but not much that is celebrated but not essential, unless you count album sales as celebrated. In that case, the "celebrated" New Kids On the Block "Merry, Merry Christmas" is NOT essential.

Good point, Nathan.


I want to punch each of them in their smug little face, too

I could try to spell out what I meant by celebrated, but, kids... this is a good time to point out that I am looking for PERSONAL stories and anecdotes about why these Holiday performances, media, etc... are important to you, the legion members of The League.

In short, let's think about why YOU would celebrate a performance, enough to write a few words about it. Keep in mind, I am not so much judging by the actual quality of the show or performance, but by what you have to say about it.

So get those creative juices flowing. We have less than a month before the contest wraps up.


Last year's grand prize winner, Alfie LeBott, receives a prize for his essay on "Neil Diamond - The Christmas Album"

The post below was up for all of 7 minutes before RHPT.com protested not getting a mention. So here I mention The Amazing Randy.

Jim noted that I did not mention that he had mentioned The League on his website. Therefore, I am mentioning his mention, yet note how infrequently the mentions I make are mentioned. But now he has mentioned the League TWICE in the past week, which puts his mentioning above my own.

Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!!



Hello, Leaguers,

Tis the Magical Time of the Year again when we decide red and green should be worn together, and power tools suddenly make appropriate gift giving options! It is a time when record shops put albums out on display of Mariah Carey in an odd little Mrs. Clause get-up, and we all listen quietly to the music on the mall PA as if we had never heard the songs before. It's the time of the year when we think TV movies starring Roma Downey are a particularly good idea.
Yes, Leaguers, it's coming hard upon the holiday season (as we call it at my state owned office), or the Christmas season (as we call it at the Steans House).
Christmas is great for the gift giving and remembering the birth of, JC, Our Lord and Savior, but it's also a time for really crappy movies, music and television.


Indeed, what can you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?

But with the annual onslaught of irresponsibly and crassly oversentimental media produced in response to the consumer market drive to capitalize on the Holiday season, it's difficult to narrow down what the categories should be for the contest this year.

I propose four categories:

1) Most Bizarre Christmas/ Holiday media.
2) Most Essential Holiday media.
3) Most Regrettable Holiday Performance (actor or singer)
4) Most Celebrated Holiday performace (actor or singer)


Santa does fine as long as Mrs. Claus is not aware half of this bottle is filled with Captain Morgan's.

Here are the rules:

1) You may submit up to three entries in each category.
2) Submissions are subject to win ONLY if a brief description of "WHY" is also included
3) All submissions must come with a snail mail address in order to receive the GRAND HOLIDAY PRIZE for winning
4) All submissions MUST, in some way, have something to do with Christmas. THis may include movies which just HAPPEN to take place on Christmas (ex: Die Hard).
5) If Ramadan, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or Festivus are your bag, then you may also submit any media from these and any other valued Holiday traditions.
6) All Media should be described with a year (if possible) and possibly some cast, etc...
7) Performances should be described with which album, movie, show, etc... dates, etc... are also beneficial


The Bailey's are happy Daddy did not pitch himself off a bridge

Sweet and happy Christmas media is welcome, as well as that which is less so.

All answers will be compiled into a list for your Holiday viewing consideration. The grand prize winner in each category will be announced well before the holidays in order that they may use their luck at winning the contest as another way to annoy stupid cousin from Colorado who only talks about NASCAR.

So put on your thinking caps, Leaguers, and prepare for the onslaught of Christmas Fever.


Mr. Grinch is pardoned for breaking, entering, criminal mischief, robbery, etc... and then is handed some very sharp knives (in order to cut the roast beast). Such is the Holiday Season.

Response to a question by Nathan can be found here.

I have along and boring story about a couch, but today is not the day for it.

The weekend came and went, and a lot happened between Friday and today, but not much of it was overly entertaining. I look forward to a few days off coming up, and I am looking forward to what the Thanksgiving weekend shall be.

Hopefully it will be a low-key affair, but I am most certainly looking forward Friday's UT/ Texas A&M game (should it play on TV out here in Arizona), and I would also like to watch the Cowboys continue their heated winning streak. However, after this week's performance by the Dolphins, I am uncertain what this game will look like.

Turkey Day looms ever closer.


oddly, I found this image off of a foreign website which was selling American stuff

Okay. Weirdest e-bay auction ever.

KUDOS to my beautiful wife, Jamie, for forwarding this to me. It may come as s urprise to leaguers that I am a fan of Superman. Yes, yes... it's true. And as far as that fandom goes, I have missed only one episode of the WB's show "Smallville", which tells the story of a young Clark Kent before he puts on the cape.

I know Sonia will appreciate this. You see, the primary love interest for young Clark Kent is INCREDIBLY annoying, but part of the WB's plan for the show was to get as many 10-17 year old girls watching the show as males who want to watch Superman punch people (which he often does, with much gusto). So the WB seems to insist that the girls will LOVE to watch Lana. Which is annoying. I cannot detail how annoying the character of Lana Lang really is, but the fact that her trampling by a horse was applauded by a large portion of the audience goes to show you that Lana is not what much of the audience believes makes Smallville shine.

No, it's Lex Luthor we love.


Lana is the annoying one on the left...

I once detailed 9 reasons why Lana is annoying, and here they are:

1) 15 year old kids don't get to own coffee shops and go to high school
2) She learned kung-fu in half an episode and now routinely dispatches crooks with her skills, despite lack of training time due to her school/ coffee shop/ pony riding schedule
3) she has no legal guardian
4) she owns a pony she doesn't need to ever take care of or pay for or feed
5) she basically dumps all over a dude with heat vision and he puts up with it
6) she continues to surprise Clark by showing up at his house every single night when he's in the barn, and he's always surprised to see her
7) Evil genius Lex is investing in Lana's dumb coffeeshop with the only semi-used theater in back
8) Notice how Lex and Clark will be talking about saving the corn chowder plant and hundreds of jobs, or trying to stop a maniacal killer, and Lana makes sure EVERYONE knows about her dumb problem with the latte machine or whatever. Seriously. Nobody ever asks. She always just volunteers the information. Poor Lana.
9) somehow she owns a Jeep Liberty. Coffee shop must be doing well.

There are dozens of more reasons to dislike Lana, but the number one reason is that there's a much more interesting and less whiney character on the show, and we're to believe Clark is still infatuated with this dork? Come on, WB!!! Even in a show with a dude who can see through walls, we need a little believability.

you know, nothing I can say would really add anything...

Yesterday I completely neglected to mention the 75th birthday of American Icon, cartoon legend and my former co-worker, Mickey Mouse. I loved Mickey Mouse growing up. As evidenced from my photos and recent trip, the whole Disney Enterprise still holds a warm fuzzy place in my heart.

I did three summers at the Disney Store from 93-95. I proudly wore the sweater, the unhygeniec gray polyester pants, the pink shirt, and tried as hard as I could to keep a smile on my face. Which is hard when you're as hungover as I usually was in the summers from 93-95.

I tolerated insults from teenagers, folded the same shirt often four times a day, sweated profusely under the sweater and put up with lessons on the porper arragnement of stuffed animals and plastic cups.

The worst duty was "greeter." Especially at 10:00am when you can still taste beer every time you hiccup. Because as "greeter", yoru sole task was to stand at the door and welcome folks into the store. Which people do not like. THey run away from you. They run past you. THey avoid eye contact and all but put their heads under bags so you can't say "Welcome to the Disney Store!" People walk past you and speak loudly about how dumb you look in your outfit. Other people yell at you for talking to them before they've addressed you themself. I don't think tyhey actually still force people to do this. It sucks.

After three years, hundreds of happy customers and being the only one in the store who understood that Disney also owned TOuchstone and Hollywood Pictures, on my final day, I asked my manager what she thought.

"Well," she said, "You're very difficult."
"Hmmm. I thought you'd say something nice as, you know, you'll probably never see me again."
And now realizing she would never see me again, she grasped the opportunity and detailed how I had been a disappointment. I was told how I had been given opportunity and didn't seem to care (I never perceived this, but whatever), how I had not been forthcoming with the spirit and attitude of Disney. I was informed how I had failed to smile like an idiot come rain or shine, constantly resorting baby-spittled stuffed animals, and being unable to leave my "zone" no matter how much help a customer needed on another part of the floor.
"You're really one of the worst employees we ever had," she concluded.
"You know, you didn't have to hire me back. Twice."
"I know, but you knew how to do everything."
Which meant it didn't matter how many goddamn Lion King dolls I helped sell. It didn't matter how many Pooh-Bears I helped move, or that I could actually tell people where to find other cartoon merchandise when they called (which WAS SUPPOSED to be applauded, according to my training manual). The fact I was the ONLY employee who didn't need to be questioned the time all the watches were stolen (theories on why I wasn't questioned very), didn't matter. Didn't matter that I'd stayed late with the managers who wanted to count money but didn't want to walk to their cars alone. And I loved to vaccuum. God help me, when the store closed down, I was already in motion, headed for the back of the shop to grab the vaccuum and get out there. I even showed up as having helped on a "secret shop." No, none of that mattered. The fact that I didn't have a "Disney Attitude" was what got me a bad rap.

I could not stand in the middle of a store, addressing nobody, and stare into space and smile.

"One customer," she said, "came to me and said you looked absolutely miserable in the middle of all the fun. I came to you and asked you to perk up, and you kind of blew me off."
Kids, this was probably when i should have told her I remembered that, and that I had gas from the Diet Coke and Great American Cookie Company treat I'd had, and that I was still kind of hung over, and that I was at the end of my rope after hearing the same 44 minute Laserdisc of Disney tunes after it's 400th play. When you're making $5.00/ hr.
Apparently my constant desire to point out inconsistencies in store policy and logic was not needed, either.

"I blew you off?" I said incredulously.
"You just never seemed like you wanted to really get into the spirit of things."
And I didn't. And I don't. And I can't tell you why, but it's the same reason I used to avoid the office Christmas party at my last job. And why I didn't pursue a career as a salesman and why, when I sneeze, pixie dust dust not pour out of my ears.

People are gross and disgusting and mean and spoil their kids and hit their kids and spill shit and laugh at you for having to clean it up in your little Mouseketeer outfit. And sometimes they are nice, and do not let their children throw toys and stuffed animals across the store, but most of the time, they do.

I am so freaking nice to people in stores. I tip more than 15%. My highest aspiration in every transaction is for me to just disappear in the mind of the person i'm dealing with immediately after I have left, because that is the greatest gift you can give someone who is just trying to make it to the end of their shift. Unless they're being a jerk. Then you tip $0.01 so they get taxed.

But it wasn't Mickey I didn't like. Because look at Mickey's pals. He hangs out with a bi-polar duck and an idiot dog-man thing and a girlfriend who looks like him in drag. Clearly Mickey would not have waited three years and then unloaded. Nah. Mickey would be cooler than that. I kind of considered myslef "vintage Mickey." I was "Steamboat Willie Mickey." I pulled down the pants of the ship captain and tried to make sure I was doing okay, even if it wasn't exactly what the ship captain THOUGHT he wanted. Ah, well. C'est la vie.

You know, I probably WAS an awful Disney employee. I'm not going to say that, based upon their standards, I was a super star. THere was a lady named Kathy who worked there, and that honor goes to her. No, I sucked as a Disney employee, but did I WANT to be good at being some weird Disney automaton? Probably not.

Here's something to try: next time you're at the Disneystore or Disneyland or wherever.... engage an employee in a conversation. Seriously, just try to talk to one of them. You can't have a REAL conversation with them, and you know why? Because they're being watched. THere are managers who watch them, probably cameras at the park, and definitely spies and "secret shoppers." They are FORBIDDEN from ever saying something is bad. If it's raining so hard outside that the fish are drowning, they'll have to insist we're do for a rain, or else laugh about the rain in a weird way which indicates they LOVE the rain. Try it. I dare you.

Happy 75th, Mickey. Thanks for The Mouse, Walt. And screw you Disney Store #382 at Willowbrook Mall, Houston, Texas. I hope you go bankrupt and all your overpriced crap gets returned to you.

Brenda Johnson just e-mailed me! I love Brenda Johnson. THe world needs more Brendas. I hadn't seen her since about 1994! All the world comes together through The League of Melbotis.

Oh, and by the way, Jim D. commented on his blog that i never mentioned my 10th Year Reunion on my blog. It was held September 25th, but I didn't go. No tales of relived glory. Sorry.

Greeting, Leaguers,

Turkey Day is fast approaching.


a delicious looking turkey

Jamie and I are preparing for what will, hopefully, be a funfilled Holiday in which we can give thanks for all the good fortune of the year. Huzzah.
I love the turkey, but I've been vegetarian since August 19th. Not a bite of meat has passed through my lips since that day. But I love turkey! Seriously. Turkey and gravy. Absolutely love it. Jamie and I picked out a 14 pound turkey this weekend, and I wanted to do a little dance, so great is my love of the bird. But will i crack under the strain? Can I possibly go without turkey on a day in which drumsticks will be presented right before my nose? I cannot say.

Viva la turkey.

In regards to my paranoid rant about Christmas last week, as of Saturday night, one of my neighbors has already put up their Christmas lights. Holy cow, man. We aren't even done using the air conditioner and this bozo is laying tracks for Santa's runway on his roof.

Anyhoo, Laura Maxwell held a contest over on her blog. I was one of a few winners of the "Evil Deeds to Bestow Upon your Boss After You've Been Informed You're Laid Off But have Two Weeks Left to Go" contest. I received an "Attack of the CLones" clone-headed Pez-Dispenser. I love me the orange Pez. I also got candy cigarettes, an aluminum Dia De Los Muertos skeleton and a general showering of good will. Thanks, Maxwell! You're tops!

Solicitations for upcoming Superman stories for February have been released. Check out this art! I am so pumped. Also here and here.

DC Comics has not been putting out what I would describe as A+ Superman stories this year, but this looks interesting, and 2004 is scheduled to have some top flight writers and artists. Could be a good year to be a Superman fan.

I was not a good student in college. Seriously. THis may surprise you, faithful Leaguers, but I had a little trouble focusing on my studies. Hence, my GPA coming out of college was nothing to crow about. And so the trend continues. I completely bombed my exam last night in the class I'm taking. I have no idea how I could have studied better, but my capacity for retaining knowledge such as I am being tested on is nil. Let's hope the group project pulls my fat out of the fire.