Tuesday, February 15, 2005


I went to the doctor today. I'm not sick, but I switched insurance this year and I decided to start seeing Jamie's doctor since he seems like a non-quack.

Anyhoo, I mostly talked to his PA or NP or whatever, and then Dr. Chang came in, looked me square in the eye and said, "You need to eat less and exercise everyday. But I am not telling you anything you don't already know."

So, it's back to the gym for Ryan as we try to keep the Grim Reaper from coming to collect for a while longer yet.

I have a few wishes regarding death.

1) I don't want to die in some embarassing way. Depending on what you read, Elvis died after a particularly hearty BM. His girlfriend found him face down on the bathroom rug, pants around his ankles. I'd like to avoid this scene for both my sake, and that of Jamie and the funeral workers.

2) I'd like for my death to be a complete surprise. For example, I'll take a piano falling from a tenth story window and squishing me, but I'd prefer just not to know the big one is coming. WHAMMO and over with. Especially if it's a wacky sudden death such as a falling piano. That'd be great.

3) I don't want to outlive everyone I know. That's just way too Omega Man for my tastes. However, if everyone turns into zombies, I'm going to stick around, because then you've still sort of got company and I always wanted to see the final fate of humanity.

4) I'd prefer not to die in front of children. I just wouldn't feel very good about scarring some little kid for life.

5) If I can't have a surprise death, I hope I don't go down without a fight. I'm not talking about fighting some disease, because that's obvious. I mean I hope I'm old, senile and not afraid to take out an orderly or two before I go down.

6) I hope I can take Jason with me.

7) I'd like a Viking Funeral on Town Lake. Load me up with all my earthly possessions, float me past the bridge and then light me up. Also, I'd like for someone to play Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" as I go up.

I don't think any of this is too much to ask for. You have to think about these things in advance or you're never going to be prepared when your number is up.

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