Monday, May 30, 2005

So The League usually isn't one for beauty pageants, but there's not much else on and I'm trying to just mellow out before what is sure to be a goofy week fo work. And this evening the 2005 Miss Universe Pageant is on. And if you wanted a greater sign that American schools are failing us... I give you the following:

The program was hosted by TV-journalista extraordinaires Nancy O'Dell and Mr. Billy Bush of TV's ACCESS HOLLYWOOD!!!

When the final five were called out, Mr. Billy Bush first announced Miss Mexico. Next up was Ms. Puerto Rico. Ms. Dominican Republic was called third.

Upon calling up Ms. Puerto Rico, Billy Bush announced, "It's a South American dog fight in the final five!"

Then, calling down the fourth contestant, Billy Bush said, "Our first representative from North America, Miss Canada!"

The League writes:

Dear Mr. Billy Bush,

I may have gone to public school and attended a state university, but in those years, I did manage to stay awake long enough to learn a few items. Perhaps you were too busy cultivating your "talent", and could not make time for items such as maps and, say, knowing where shit is, as you studied the romantic history of Tom Cruise and what TV Heart-Throb David Hasselhoff thinks of going to the beach.

But as you are hosting the Miss Universe 2005 pageant, I thought this might come in handy:

On this map, you will see

1) The Dominican Republic
2) Puerto Rico
3) A sort of unpopulated blue patch between these places and South America.

I understand this map might not be very clear. The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico are those tricky, smaller land masses called ISLANDS (this is why nobody could find Gilligan. He was on a small land mass surrounded by water).

So here's a picture of Mexico (it's that tiny place just South of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas with a shared border of well over 1000 miles).

The League has been known to have been wrong, so we've turned to the Central Intelligence Agency to tell us a little bit about Mexico, just to make sure I didn't tell you anything that was incorrect.

According to the CIA (as well as The Minutemen currently playing GI Joe a few hours south of my home), Mexico is, in fact, just south of the the United States. Some might say it even shares a continent with the United States.

Here is a picture of South America. You will notice that Mexico, The Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico do not make an appearance. Not even as an island.

So, Mr. Billy Bush... Next time you agree to go on TV in front of the entire planet, it helps to know where the hell the contestants on your program are from. Especially when you, yourself, are estimating that 1 BILLION people are going to watch the telecast.

Just a helpful tip from your pals at The League.

Mr. Billy Bush brought up the fact that Ms. Canada was representing North America at least one additional time during the telecast. I am proud to say that North America (REAL North America, not those losers from Mr. Billy Bush's SOUTH AMERICA) won the contest. It should also be pointed out that Billy Bush hosted the Miss Universe program from Ecuador in 2004.

And it should also be noted that Miss Universe 2004 was clearly NOT wearing a bra when she came out to hand off her crown to Miss Universe 2005.

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