Toys That Should Not Be

I can't believe I missed this before, but here is the George W. Bush Operation Iraqi Freedom adventure doll. The look of vague yet steely determination is captured in his painted on eyeballs, the flightsuit tailored to suggest an aura of more than a showboating passenger and we guarantee upon seeing this doll your child will declare an end to all major combat activities... Unlike the Al Gore Candidate Doll, this figure has moveable joints, and is made of petroleum bi-product plastic rather than solid, unmoveable oak. Warning: If Pretzels or Segway accessory are placed near Bush doll, doll may tip over.

The line of dolls should include a Rummy Doll with life like Tech-vest, and Ari Fleischer Doll with podium and repetitive soundtrack. I will be sure to add the Condi Rice doll to my collection, as well as the Powell "UN Adventure" action set. Unfortunately the Cheney doll with "lifelike grimace" and "hidden bunker fortress" is being held for security reasons. I do look forward to the Cheney "Secret Energy Policy" playset, with sealable minutes!

Coming soon, the "Where the f**k is he?" Saddam playset with Saddam, 6 disguises and an American soldier with irritiated, sweating action.

Can we look forward to a Maureen Dowd doll? A George F. Will doll with real bowtie action?

Eschewing obvious jokes about anatomical correctness, one wonders what the Clinton/ Lewinski playset would look like, and what accessories it might contain...

Still, I think the "Tickle Me" Jenna doll is going to prove to be most popular of the line.

BTW, The Amazing Randy asked why I left Alan Moore's Watchmen off of my list from Friday. Pure oversight, I assure you. I actually have a copy of the first issue framed and hanging on the wall of my office. The posted list was part of the body of a letter I sent Jim D. the other day, and Jim had already read Watchmen.

I would recommend this comic to anyone but my dear, sweet mother, for whom the reading of Watchmen would be a singularly bewildering experience.

How do, Leagueadeers?

This weekend was pretty dull, although yesterday Chandler, Arizona managed to be the hottest spot in the country. I, of course, managed to be out doing yard work. After the temp passes 108 F, it's all pretty much just really, really hot. 117 or 109... it doesn't really matter.

It's time for me to enroll for my benefits package again, and I always wonder if I have enough life insurance. I don't want too much, so that it's worth more to Jamie to have me dead than alive, but I also don't want her to be bankrupt if I accidentally OD on Diet Pepsi or Coffeemate. At any rate, I asked her what she would do if I upped and died. "I'd probably move to San Francisco or Austin," she said. "What would you do?"

"I'd move to Austin."

And then it dawned on me... no, not that in order for me to get back to Austin, Jamie might have to have a little "accident". No, it dawned on me that for some reason, if we're both alive, we somehow think it's a good idea to be in a smelly desert. Alone, the idea is intolerable. Well, I think that says a lot for how much we can put up with when together, but it also made me realize that ain't neither one of us is particularly excited about being in the smelly desert. I'm not sure it should take one of us keeling over to return to the Lone Star State.

So, you know, if you know of any jobs in A-Town, let your glorious leader in on it.

We took Mel to meet Tanner the Wonder Dog on Saturday. Mel isn't very socialized around other dogs, and Tanner is a great dog, if not a bit of a spaz. Tanner is a 1 year old Golden who belongs to Jamie's cube neighbor, Ryan N. Anyhoo, I was very proud of Mel as he never ate Tanner and was on his best behavior while visiting Tricia and Ryan's house. He did, however, steal all of Tanner's toys and claim them as his own. It was embarassing, but I'm not sure Mel understands issues of property.

What Mel DOES understand is bathtime. He's not even really anti-bathtime. When he sees me pull out the towels and point at the tub, he will climb right in. This is much favorable to the afternoon I once spent chasing Mel around the front yard with hose in hand.

One night, just before I moved here, Mel must have decided he was really dirty, because at 3:00am he climbed into the bathtub and started whining. So next you know I was sudding up the dog and pushing sleep out of my eyes. It didn't really seem that odd until I related the story later. Jamie was out of town when it occured, so I have nobody to verify the story, but it did happen. I have had bath guilt ever since and try to be better about the frequency of Mel's baths.

Someone hit the League today by doing a Google search for "Ryan Steans." What's the deal? Who is this person? And will they send me money?

There is a difference between Trade Paperbacks and Graphic Novels. Graphic Novels are usually released as self contained stories in a single volume. Trade Paperbacks are usually stories lifted from a running series, like Spider-Man issues 165-175 or something. The gray area is when you begin speaking about collections which contain a story which existed as, say, a six issue limited series. This can include either totally original characters, or it can include, say... Batman.

THe point is, Randy asked me to recommend some comics yesterday, and then last night, Jim asked me to recommend some comics. As I am short on time today, I will reprint here that which I sent Jim last night, because it's a quick guide for what you might wish to look for if you were to go to a book store or to a comic shop.

I'm going to just suggest Graphic Novels and self-contained limited series trade paperbacks. I don't want to just dump you into the world of regular Trade Paperbacks.

Dark Knight Returns is on the "must read" list, but be prepared for something.. different. I'm not sure you'll like all of it, but I think it's critical. We'll save Dark Knight Strikes Again for a later discussion.

Maus by Art Spiegelman is a must read. No, it is not really an allegory, because that's what you're going to think at first glance. It is not Animal Farm. This is a true story. It won the Pulitzer. It is used as a textbook. It's really, really good. Especially if you manage to get both volumes.

From Hell by Alan Moore is what the recent Jack the Ripper movie was based upon.
Torso by Brian Michael Bendis is a true crime tale following Eliot Ness as he moves to Cleveland and must sort out the identity of a Depression era serial killer.
Ronin by Frank Miller is a psychedelic sci-fi Samurai story which defies description.
Elektra: Assassin by Frank Miller will let you know why I was so angry with the Daredevil movie.
Moonshadow is a coming of age tale set amongst the cosmos
V for Vendetta by Alan Moore may make you wish to make like Guy Fawkes
Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth by Chris Ware is supposed to be great. I bought it a few weeks ago and haven't had time to read it yet.
Sandman: A Season of Mists by Neil Gaiman breaks the rules stated above, but is, nonetheless, an excellent comic. I think you can follow the story with little introduction

Essential Superhero books:
Kingdom Come by Mark Waid and Alex Ross will restore your faith in Superheroes
Batman: Year One - Frank Miller
Superman: Man of Steel - John Byrne (note- It appears the powers that be at DC comics are re-writing the history of Superman as dictated by Man of Steel in Superman: Birthright. More on this in the months to come. BTW, I love what they're doing)
Ultimates by Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch
Ultimate Spider-Man by Bendis
for sheer weird factor, I like Jack Kirby's TPBs of New Gods and Mister Miracle. but it's an acquired taste

And if you're looking for a book without pictures, I would point you to The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon. It won the Pulitzer, I think.

But let me know if you're looking for something fun, or something "important", and maybe I can help. But if you were going to read one or two graphic novels, these would be the ones I would begin with. We can work backward from here.

So I was talking to Randy, and he says, "You should get an optical mouse instead of a ball-roller." So I hopped up and stole one off of the desk of one of my student workers. I am now so futuristic, I'm not even here yet. Thanks, Randy.

And congratulations on the new job. You and Jim can be new job buddies, and that's something in this wintery economy.

THis article on Urban Legends in Iraq is interesting.