I haven't really been at work in two weeks, and that means I've been watching an inordinate amount of television. And after having watched two weeks worth of TV, and thousands of commercials, I have one question:

What the hell is a "hemi", and why should I care?

Look, I'm no car guy. I drive a 4-cylinder, and always have. I do not feel the need to drive a V6 (except on the rare occasion after having borrowed someone else's V6), a V8 or V12, nor an 18-wheeler. I have long believed cars are a tool, and not a way to flaunt one's manhood.

A lot of people don't like SUV's for a lot of legitimate reasons. A lot of people DO like SUV's for some legitimate, and a lot of quasi-legitimate reasons. It's the quasi-legitimate reasons, the one's they now spend billions advertising to, that blow my mind.

When i was a kid, my folks bought a monstrous conversion van. It had two stereos, seated somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 and had niceties like a table one could assemble and play checkers on. Which was great for the trip to the groccery store and whereever. I would be lying if I thought we really needed the damn thing, but we had not just one... when I was 14, we got another one. THis one had a bench seat which (with the touch of a button) folded out into a bed. It also had a built in bar in the back for "tailgating" (which we never did), and a spot where a TV was supposed to be installed. We never got the TV and VCR, although we had the wiring and hook-ups, because the day we picked up the van, my mom burst into tears at the thought her children would rather watch Sanford and Son reruns than talk to her while in the car. Which i thought was kind of weird at the time.

Apparently, this isn't such a concern with today's savvy parent. Now, when toting the kids to and from soccer practice, in the half an hour a day when you could be talking to your kid, your babysitter has been provided to you. Once again, you can feel free to let the flickering box raise your kids so you can focus on the cell phone conversation you were having before you picked up the little monstrosities.

Look, I don't have kids. And I can't guarantee if I did have a kid, s/he wouldn't turn out like Jeffrey Dahmer. But I do know when you have a kid, you're supposed to pay attention to it. I don't care how tired you are from work, or who is calling your cell phone. But a part of me also knows I wouldn't do any better than anyone else, and makes me not really want to have kids... because folks, I don't want to be the guy I made fun of all these years.

My favorite thing in the commericals is seeing how happy mom and dad are... how they look to one another with loving, knowing smiles... as if to say "hear all that silence? THose little brats have been hypnotized into a stupor once again... it's so mercifully quiet, we can pretend we are once again childless."

I'm now horrified by my parents' van ownership, but I understand why folks buy huge cars when they have kids. I understand far less why my parents now own a monstrous SUV with seating for 8, but since they paid for my college, i keep it on the QT. I'm just glad they didn't own one of the vans which said "Goodtimes Van" on the back in 60's psychedelic script.

So you've turned your car into the babysitter by getting the car with seats as big as a sofa and DVD player. Now you've still got to have adventure! You're still a virile alpha-male... which means you MUST be able to take it off-road. You must climb boulders and mountains and go from 0-60 in 5 seconds (despite the fact your car weighs 10 tons). And I guess the "hemi" is the new thing to have. It must be some sort of shiny engine. It's a big 'ol honking engine Dad would have in his truck if... if he were a swinging single adventurer! He can still live out the fantasy, though, as long as it's hidden beneath the hood of the moving living room.

Poor, emasculated dad... Knowing that his "hemi" will only help him pass Monte Carlo's on the toll-road on his way to his boring office job. WAIT! Only Dad doesn't get to drive the "hemi" powered wonder car. He drives the Corrola, because Mom needs the SUV to transport the kids to go roller-skating... And the hemi is only really there because you need that kind of horsepower to keep your moving living room from stalling on every incline, anyway...

Look, I don't know why those commercials bug me so much, but they do. I know people feel as if they need these cars, the way they needed conversion vans in the 80's, then mini-vans in the mid-90's, and now Tahoes or whatever. Maybe they need these things as surely as they need beds and food for their children. I do not know. I do know, TV's in cars are dumb. But I liked the idea a heck of a lot more when they had to start passing laws stating it was illegal to watch porn on your car TV, lest everyone see your feature attraction from your rear window.

Maybe a week of watching TV did nothing good for me.

Apparently Ms. Emily took exception to my post from a few days ago regarding Randy being completely insane. The link to The Knot now sports a new picture of Homer and Marge Simpson. Randy has gone ahead and posted about Emily's reaction, and his feelings upon the whole ordeal. It is unfortunate that Emily has selected to remove the photo of she and her beau. Indeed, it was quite thrilling to see the Tjahjono's looking so blissful (even if half of them are insane).

I request that Emily reconsider, and if nothing else, find a new picture of she and her man.

Chin up, Emily. Randy is more or less a good guy, and while I am afraid for you, I believe you are more or less making the right choice. So let's see you put up that photo again lest i turn it into my year-long crusade to see that picture posted once more...

one out of fifteen ain't bad...

I guess the Martians got sick of shooting these things out of the sky...

I have taken a great deal of time off of work. It's been pleasant. I am classified as "faculty" in my position at the University, which means I have an insane amount of vacation, which I can rarely use. But the Holidays are a perfect time for disappearing, and so I haven't been to work since December 22nd.

On Monday I must return to work, and what I would like to do is return with a new enthusiasm. Will this actually happen? Only time will tell. We're going to be going directly into one of our two "busy" periods, lasting about three to four weeks each, occuring in accordance with the spring and fall semesters.

So it's probably good I took a break.

I've watched alot of movies on DVD, I've drawn more, I tried some writing (hopefully Hustler won't turn me down this time), and I am trying to build some more furniture. I'm not very good at building at furniture, but if all 90 degree angles is your bag, I am your man.

I haven't really been unemployed since about 1996, and I kind of miss the time off. One thing university life provides is a good amount of vacation (or did at UT), so I will try in the future to make the most of the time I've been given. Watching this episode of Justice LEague, next vacation, maybe I'll make a rail gun. Looks like fun.

Anyway, next week I return to normal programming. See you then.

This may surprise Leaguers, but for as many mentions as he gets in these pages, I've never actually met Randy of RHPT.com. Randy started showing up in my e-mail box a while back, and we've been chummy ever since.

As a consequence, I've never actually seen Randy in person. Until today. Randy posted a link to his little corner of wedding cyber-space over on The Knot. The Knot is a site where you can register and make sure folks have a a web-friendly location to check and re-check wedding details. This is actually a really nice idea. Wish we'd done it.

Anyway, I never saw Randy before, but now I have, and if the photo on the site is any indication, Randy is quite mad. yes, yes... I know he's happy to be with his lady in this photo... but there's a certain bewildering insanity sparking behind those eyes as if to say both "yes, you may refill my water" as well as "but then I will hide in the back seat of your car and surprise you on the interstate."

No doubt Randy will be disturbed by my deductions, but this is why the Steanses try to keep our photos off the net... for fear someone might say "dear God, did the panda actually eat the girl after the photo was taken?" or "they're both so pale... oh, you didn't even use a flash?" or "it would not kill him to skip dessert once in a while."

So here's Randy, all menacing smile and deranged plotting. By his side is his future bride, who would do well to sleep with one eye open.

For Shoemaker:

It's a week late, and from the late Wesley Willis, but I think anyone could enjoy it... In fact, this may be the new "Frosty the Snowman".

Merry Christmas

Howdy. I am kind of back.

couple of house keeping items.

I am considering sending something out to all who participated in the Abso-Ludicrous Holiday Media Spectacular. If you would rather not participate in a little larceny and malfeasance, let me know ASAP.

I think I have everyone's address. I may contact you if I do not. People in japan have asked that their items be sent elsewhere. This shall be respected.

Mel is back from the kennel and safely home. Jeff The Cat also returned home from the kennel. Both are suffering from a little separation anxiety, but I'm taking some time off work, so both are getting ample attention.

The visit to my folks' went well. I missed having more of the extended family around, but with scheduling for my immediate family these days, sometimes these things are best not examined too much. I got some cool presents from everyone. Not a weird one in the bunch. I got a stack of DVD's, and I have to confess to being a little excited about my copy of Conan the Barbarian. I've loved that movie since I was a kid, but can't put my finger on why. But what had me rolling was the DVD collection of The Tick live action series which lasted maybe eight or nine episodes. Classic. Like Icarus, it flew to close to the sun, my friends.

Made Jamie and Heather Wagner go to Bedrock City Comics with me in Spring, TX. Picked up some cool Action Comics back issues, including this issue and this issue. Merry Christmas to me.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve, which is kind of the capper on the Holiday season for most everyone. Tomorrow ends 2003, which is okay. It was an okay year in a lot of ways, but I can't say i made great personal strides. In fact, a lot of this year felt a bit like I was coasting more than actually trying. But that's why we have New Years: Try to do better in the upcoming year what we did poorly in the the preceding year.

To celebrate NYE, I am taking Jamie to a curiously nice Italian place (it's in a strip shopping center in Queen Creek) called Primo. We'll do some wine and dinner there, and then I guess she'll be tired from work and go to sleep. We aren't the same fun couple we were in 1999-2000, a New Years which will live in infamy. (I just remembered Loyal Leaguer Nathan Cone came up from San Antonio for that fiesta... I was too drunk to remember if he was there when things... got out of hand). Here's a hint, kids: hammers, glitter, vodka, hard candy and pinatas simply do not mix. Especially when you're super excited the power grid didn't fail on you. I almost lost my eye.

People are throwing out lists for 2003, which seems like a heck of a lot of work. Here's mine.

2003, Bad:

1) summer in desert
2) continued success of Justin Timberlake
3) questionable stewardship of Superman core comic titles
4) the missing couch
5) gout
6) lack of weight loss
7) lack of direction in job
8) WMD
9) the puppy incident
10) Daredevil movie

2003, Good:

1) winter in desert
2) continued success of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
3) announcements of future artisitic teams for Superman comics
4) Season 2 of Justice League
5) vegetarianism turning out to be okay
6) I didn't get fatter!
7) steady job
8) lack of attacks from WMDs
9) two happy pets
10) I actually liked the Hulk. Shut up. I did. Cousin Sue sent the DVD for Christmas! Hurrah!

So for my yin, there is a yang, I suppose. But that was 2003. It was an Even Steven sort of year.

soon we move into the mid-00's. How freaky is that?

So what are my resolutions? I told myself years ago to quit setting stupid, unrealistic goals. So my resoltuions are:

1) Re-engage at work. Quit stressing over the difficulty of each task and try to see each task as a challenge. Have a better attitude about students, faculty and crazy projects.
2) Use better judgement in buying comics in order to spend less on comics.
3) Try to keep the house neater.
4) Either move back to Texas or quit bitching about Arizona.
5) Do more with free time (may require cancelling movie channels)
6) Write "Great American Novel".
7) draw more
8) draw fewer naked girls when drawing
9) quit waking up the cat whenever he falls asleep. No, it's not that funny to anyone but me.
10) be more open minded about Paris Hilton
11) eat more vegetables and less pasta and bread
12) be a genuinely better human being. By better, do not mean Ubermench.
13) spend more quality time with Melbotis

and that's it, kids! Lucky 13. Ah, well. Happy New Year!!! Now go get drunk for your Ol' Uncle Ry'.