Friday, June 27, 2003

guilt

I have nothing to write about today. Sorry. I do suggest you take part of the most important legislation ever devised and go on over to the Federal Trade Commission's web-site. They've instituted the government's plan to create "do not call" list for telemarketers.

I suggest that if you're looking for a good read today, you try your local paper.

In the meantime, here is a poem:

Like a graceful porpoise
I FLY!

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Blogging article

RHPT.com sent me this link: All that is said herein is true. Except for having lots of readers. Randy, Jamie, Jim... your attention is appreciated.

www.hotchubbyboy.com

UPDATE!!!!

You can now link to this blog by clicking on www.hotchubbyboy.com

RHPT.com was nice enough (either that or he has evil, evil plans in the works) to assign this link to The League. What will this mean for The League? I don't know. Keep tuning in to watch the slow dissolution of my site into one celebrating my nakedness.

Toys That Should Not Be

Just when you think there's nothing to navel gaze about...

Toys That Should Not Be is a segment dedicated to toys which I find on an Action Figure website. I don't just collect comics ad infinitum, I also likes me the Superman and Batman toys. And I like to make fun of other people for having similar interests.

What you may not know is that there are a LOT of toys produced for the adult collector these days. In other words, I ASSUME that these are going to adults, and that they are being collected and not played with. But I may be wrong. But TTSNB is more of a Zen thing which requires an example more than an explanation. And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Perfect Body Figures from a company called, I think, Cy-Girls.

You know, I have often fantasized about women with 8 points of articulation and weird, poofy hair. Karate chop fingers and grotesquely hinged knee joints are a big turn on. I think it should have been a clue to these doll makers that something was hooribly wrong when these figures were unable to stand upright due to their curiously oversized heads and bosoms. It should have also been a clue to these doll makers that something was wrong when they started making dolls to have sexual fantasies about. But I digress and pass judgement.

In addition to these anonymous, mis-shapen lovelies, there are more than one line of figures portraying Adult Superstars (I think one is called Adult Superstars) which portrays porn stars as tiny six inch figures. Freud would be going apeshit over all of this, to be sure. For example, here is Jenna Jameson. Word on the street is that laser scan of the actual porn star is done to get these figures "accurate".

The article about 6 inch Jenna is tucked into the main page right between an article on a Friday the 13th Jason Doll and a Harry Potter Dueling Malfoy toy. A little something for everyone.

I feel compelled to also point out that Batman and Superman, themselves, have some kinky new toys out. Here's Peeping Tom Batman and Sex Dungeon Superman.
Facism is bad.

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Happy Birthday RHPT

Happy Birthday, Randy. And don't worry so much about the endless futility of existence. Unless you plan to have 100s of children to begin to disseminate your chromosomes throughout the gene pool, your legacy will probably be that of most people. My suggestion: donate sperm and donate often. The more you donate sperm, the more offspring you will have and the more likelihood you will have of the RHPT genome determining the course of human evolution.

This option may be cold comfort as you turn 27, but it does give you plenty of exposure to pornography and will ensure that in 100 generations, we'll all have a little Randy in us.

Some interesting links

A look at the comic convention scene (something I haven't seen since I was but a wee lad going to hotel ballrooms all over Austin, Texas. My mother is a saint for driving me. She never complained, not once.)


A site recommended to me by Jeff C. Shoemaker. It's a fairly good read, I think, but the usual insanity inherent in sites dedicated to comics froths over. When I read reviews of Superman which slip into personal anecdotes about Superman replacing one's estranged Dad, I decide that some objectivity has been lost and I'm not sure I want to add this into the links section of The League.

And Jim sent me this link for a job at Los Alamos. If you read between the lines it becomes pretty clear that the job is to be a spin doctor at a nuclear laboratory. "Uh... Dr. Banner is recovering just fine... just fine..."

Tinman and The Falcon

During my late-college/ post-college years I was pretty good friends with some guys in a band in Austin. Wow. Who isn't? Well, summer of 2000 these guys picked up and decided to move to Seattle so the band could slowly disintegrate in a more hospitable climate. I doubt anyone from Austin would remember the band, but they got good notices while it lasted and they did some seriously overly-indulgent space/ prog rock under the name Maximum Coherence During Flying.



We were all kind of into sci-fi and pulp and comics and whatnot, and so it was a year or two after their flight to the Pacific Northwest that I got a call from Bryan Manzo, guitarist/ saxophonist/ composer for MaxCo who had come upon an idea. He was going to work with Michael (My) Young to write a rock opera, and I was going to draw a series of comic books that would illustrate the story.

You kids who don't follow comics don't know this, but getting into the comics industry is about as easy and much fun as getting your head out from the bannister rails. Even compared to film and television, comics is cut-throat crazy competitive. Virtually every 20+ who reads comics wants to get into the field, and I am no different. But drawing comics is really, really time intensive. Let alone also inking the pages. Especially when you've doodled a lot but never really done anything that formal before.

But the problem was, there was no music and no story, just some characters and a title: A Spy Named Lonely.

So I had four characters who were supposed to be pulpy as pulp can get: The Tin-Man (a robot), the Falcon (a private eye), Lonely (a beautiful spy), and Dr. Archibald Nemesis (a despotic tyrant). I drew some pre-lims and sent them up to Seattle where I pretty much got the thumbs-up, and was told to do some more pre-lims based on a paragraph of notes, and wait for the music. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And about a year later, Bryan caught me with some weird, weird information.

Bryan's girlfriend somehow knew someone who knew Karen Berger. Karen Berger is the editor supreme of Vertigo comics. She's the woman who launched 10 years of mind-altering insanity within the prickly confines of DC Comics, a feat thought almost unimaginable until Hellblazer, Shade, Sandman and Swamp Thing proved comics could do a lot more than leap over tall buildings is a single bound. We had until August to get a package together.

And so suddenly I was drawing. I had an MP3 Bryan and My had sent me and it was February and everything was cool. I would do ten or twelve pages, we would show them penciled and inked and be able to say "AND THERE'S A FULL ALBUM THAT GOES WITH THIS!!!"

So in March, after six or seven months of experiencing the post dot.bomb blues, Jamie landed a job in Phoenix. And then I got the call from Bryan. "Oh, my God, dude. My girlfriend's friend is flying down to Australia to meet the guys who did the Matrix and she wants to bring a portfolio and pitch them Tinman and Falcon."

"The Wachowskis?"

"Yeah. She thinks they'd love it."

"This is dumb. You guys need a better artist."

"No way. We have to have it in two weeks."

"I still haven't heard the music or read a real synopsis."

"Oh."

So, I drew what I could. And in this same time, my wife was packing her belongings and moving to Phoenix where I was to be joining her June 1, 2002. Needless to say, I was distracted. That, and I did have a job. And a house to pack. But I drew. And I kissed Jamie good-bye.

And then the record showed up as a couple of burned CDs that were only partially mixed, and alone in my cardboard enclosed house, I listened to it, and I realized I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 17 drawings to do, ink, scan and send in within a few days. Plus a job. But at least I liked the music. So I sat down and finished I can't remember how many drawings in a much shorter span than I was comfortable with. But I scanned the drawings and sent them to Seattle.



And then Yoko stepped in. Bryan's girlfriend called me at work and told me that she didn't like the look of the Tin-Man, that she wanted something more like Robocop and could I redo everything, please? In three days. I said there was no way (and this wasn't just pride, there were serious time issues involved). She refused to relent, and then it occurred to me that neither Bryan nor My had requested the changes, and I didn't know this chick, and she had called me five times in two days. So I quit.

Well, several frantic phone calls later and I was back on board and the girlfriend was booted, but it was made clear she was glad I was far, far away. But we got what we needed, and off went the package and we never heard from anyone about it ever again.

The Karen Berger thing fizzled too, as Bryan and girl started having difficulties.

And one day the Tinman and Falcon web-site surfaced using almost none of the new art, and just the prelim sketches I knocked out in about two hours. I complained loudly, but the damage was done. My had spent several days on the animated intro, and he was not going to redo it. I could empathize.

But then, one night at 2:30am, My popped up on my AIM. "Hey dude. Brad Pitt digs T&F."

Apparently Bryan's newest lady friend was a former assistant to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and they had remained chummy. So she sent them the Tinman and Falcon web-site.

But that was it. I did a handful of drawings, totaling around 11 or 12 for the series. None of them were ever posted, even after I sent some nice scans and forwarded them on to Seattle. But maybe it's just as well. As much as I loved working on the drawings, the rock opera was running around 80 minutes and WAS ONLY THE FIRST ACT. God knows how long this could have gone on.

But, the site is still up! So, I invite all of you to visit the site, listen to some of the tunes, and read the back story on the site. It was a lot of fun and would probably still be going on if Bryan and My hadn't joined an 80's electro-pop quartet that eats up most of their time. But, ah, fame is so fleeting. Brad, why didn't you call us? We could have made millions, bro! At least I didn't get a second mortgage on my house to make a documentary nobody is ever going to want to see. It just cost time and money for markers and pencils.

I ask that you understand that these were never intended to be final versions of the drawings on the T&F site, but I guess My liked them... these were rough, rough prelims. Hopefully one of you will convince them to post the finished works they do have in their possession. But I encourage everyone to click on "Music" and listen to the album. It's free and it's easy to do. And, yes, it is supposed to be this cheesy.

Ladies and Gentlemen... I give you Tinman and The Falcon. Be afraid. be very afraid.


Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Fredrick Wertham was a psychiatrist who had worked at Bellevue Mental Hospital and had spent years studying patients with anti-social characteristics when he published "Seduction of the Innocent." The book caused a massive amount of hysteria, leading to discussions in the US Congress over the corrupting influence of comics on children, and led both directly and indirectly to the strange beast that the comic industry has become today. You'll note that even in the review I've linked to, the reviewer doesn't seem to think Wertham was all that far off base despite 50 years of evidence have proven him wrong.

I don't usually read "Unlearned Hand", but lawyer and comic philanthropist Jim D. forwarded me a posting from this legal site regarding a strange law that is on the books in California regarding EC Comics style horror comics.

My comments appear there as well as Jim D.'s.

I do suggest you take a look at this link to read up on an example of what can happen when good intentions lead to mass hysteria. Even within the comments, someone chooses to take a shot at the broadside of the barn and criticizes the merits of comics as literature. Sigh. Who Watches the Watchmen?

A bright spot of my week, in addition to seeing the Hulk, was the 2 hour special called Superheroes Unmasked on the History Channel. The show focuses on superhero comics and the people who made them. It looks at cultural relevance, both as an influence on pop culture, and how contemporary issues define the genre. Luminaries such as Dennis O'Neil, Steranko, Frank Miller, Neil Gaiman, Stan Lee, Will Eisner, Paul Levitz and Michael Chabon participate in the discussion. While very little in the interviews was new to me, it was great to see some of these guys for the first time on video (for me, anyway).

The show does make no small potatos of Wertham's influence and how, even today, the industry is fighting against public perception issues caused by the hysteria. Check it out. It's a lot of fun. And it made me want to seek out as much 60's era Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD as I can find. And they did talk about King Kirby, but not enough, for my liking.
This was a clip from an e-mail conversation i had with Jim yesterday. He suggested I post it.

I am actually beginning to get a sneaking suspicion that I am a liberal. it's okay. Labels make me nervous, that's all. I am very conservative about some things, though. For instance, I refuse to use zippers and I wear buckles on my shoes and I think any girl who doesn't cover her ankles in public is a dirty, dirty harlot.

Monday, June 23, 2003

Someone posted this blog to the Hulk page on the IMDB sites. The League is suddenly popular. No longer are random visitors coming in looking for various naked celebrities. I have seen a marked increase in visits whenever I mention a celebrity. Most recent examples include Ron Perlman and Marcia Gay Harden.

I hope no one is getting their rocks off to this site, because that would upset Melbotis greatly. He wants to be respected for his mind, not just his body.

One thing I really dig about the Superman Homepage is that site coordinator Steve Younis has managed to get Superman Editor Supreme Eddie Berganza to participate. Once every month or so, Eddie responds to a few letters. Every month I send in something, just because. Well, this month my letter was picked, so I am Super excited! They no longer publish letter columns in the back of comics, so this is pretty much the equivalent.

to read my question, click here

Jim asked that I post my tale of how I tried, in my own way, to pull a Cool Hand Luke with the Univ. of Texas Police a few years ago when I was given a $20 parking citation. Well, the story isn't very good, but this story reminded me of the event.

Anyhoo, I received a ticket that, by all rights, I should have received as I had parked in a lot I had no permit for. At the time I was making less than $20K a year working for UT, and paying over $100 for a C-permit which DID NOT guarantee me a parking spot seemed steep. Anyway, I had to be at work and nobody was in the lot as it was winter break. Also, until the day before the UTPD had publicly stated they were not patrolling these lots, so anyone could park there.

SO... I parked there and I was easy pickings as one of maybe two dozen cars in the lot. Ticket was $20.00.

So I wrote a letter and refused to pay, pointing out there was no UT Jail (more on that later). Some grouch at the office wrote back a very nasty letter and told me that refusal to pay was going to mess SOMETHING up for me, but I can't remember what. I think I was going to get a warrant from the Austin PD as UT hands over it's tickets after a few months.

So I wrote a check for $19.99.

This illicited a negative response from the UTPD, but the idea was that they would spend all that time and money trying to collect on a single penny, and if you know UT collections, the actual sum has nothing to do with what they're trying to accomplish. No, the miserable wretches want you to know they own your ass.

They wrote me another nasty letter telling me that I owed a penny. I wrote them back and told them I thought I had paid a fair amount and I would genuinely appreciate it if they would quit harassing me. I also pointed out that even with metered mail, they were now losing money pursuing this. THey wrote me back saying that I owed a penny, and would I please pay.

Luckily, mi hermano es un attorney. It was at this point that I wrote them a letter and told them I paid what I thought fair, but if they wanted to pursue the $0.01, my attorney was happy to go to court. I left a name and phone number at which he could be reached (his boss's office). It was at this point that the $0.01 disappeared from my record.

It turns out there IS a UT jail. They have a cell or two somewhere on campus to hold folks drunk on campus, etc... I had no idea. One of my friends girlfriends got tossed in for a crime I'd rather not detail here.

UT also later ticketed me for parking at the conference center despite the fact I was at a conference at the center. The conversation I had on the phone with the troglodyte in collections was like a scene out of Catch-22.

"But I was at a conference!"
"UT employees cannot park in the lot."
"But people attending conferences park there."
"Yes."
"And I paid to attend."
"Ok."
"So I parked there."
"UT employees cannot park in the lot."
"But I was at a conference at the conference center."
"Did you have your UT parking permit tag in your window?"
"yes."
"THen you cannot park in the lot."
"So if I had taken my tag off, they would have left me alone?"
"Yes."
"That doesn't make sense."
"You left your tag in the window. UT employees are not to park in the lot."
"Why?"
"Because UT employees are forbidden from parking in the lot."
"I wasn't abusing the policy. I was legitimately at a conference. I have receipts I can FAX you."
"So you were at a conference at the center?"
"YES!"
"UT employees aren't supposed to park there."
Eventually I used the ultimate threat of asking to speak with her supervisor, so instead of that she reduced my ticket to a warning, which sent me off on a whole string of obscenities. "It wasn't illegal!"
"Sir, i am doing you a favor!"
But sometimes you pick your battles, and so I let that one go and paid nothing.
By the way. I saw the Hulk this weekend. Definitely not a movie for everybody, but I really, really liked it.

RRRRAAAGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!


much ballyhooed frog toy. It has been replaced by an unpictured toy I have named "Dan."



Box of comics I found when I returned home on Friday.



small sampling of what was in the box.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

OK. First and foremost...

Randy has posted citing that I took exception to his eyebrows. Not so. As a pudgy man, it is my duty to ensure that all feel good about themselves as they are. Randy, while I have never seen you, and have no inkling as to your appearance, I know that you are a beautiful person inside and out. So beautiful, in fact, that I am a bit jealous and it makes me think poorly of myself.

Jim Dedman kicks ass.

No matter what bickering may go on about such important issues as Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, Jim is not innately evil, he just acts that way.

Friday I returned from work and some minor boozing to discover a package for me. Jim Dedman has sent 27 lbs. of comics and various other sundries.

Jim's collection appears to be from the mid and late 80's, an era which I remember very, very fondly as much of what he sent me reflects the same era in which I got serious about collecting comics.

It's difficult to draw a profile of Jim from this collection. But one thing Jim seemed really interested in was The Crossover mini-series. The Cross-over mini-series was a great invention of the medium and allowed characters from 2 books to interact without interrupting the flow of the regular series. Neither character was forced to take a back seat, and there were often very good artists on these comics. So, you could see, say, Captain America and The Thing duke it out with Mysterio, or Spider-Ham enjoy a sandwhich with Mr. Fantastic. I really dug issue #1 of X-Men vs. Avengers when I was a kid, but was never able to locate the rest of the series... well guess what. Jim did. And now Jim's desire to rid himself of his childhood will fill in a blank spot in my psyche.

Other notables include: Star Wars final issue. Inidana Jones #1. Silver Surfer #1. Spider-Man gang war and some Batman: Lonely Place of Dying. All great stuff.

I think my arrangement with Jim is that the comics are to be preserved with mylar bags and acid-free boards, and boxed and categorized for posterity. It was very clear that nothing was to be sold or made a profit on. No problem. I am way to lazy to sell anything.

Anyway, Jim is a great guy, and I can't say enough about how great it is to have received this. I have photos which I will post later today...

Friday, June 20, 2003

Oh, for the love of Mike.

Insert your own nightmare scenario here. ------>



Once again I missed the annual Superman Festival in Metropolis, Illinois. One day I will attend, one day when Jamie has no idea what I'm up to, I will go. Anyway, here are some photos of this celebration which I did not get to go to. I'm not bitter. It's not like Noel Neill was there or anything... And how cool is this? Harrah's designed their local casino to look like The Hall of Justice...

RHPT has joined in the swirling ranks disgusted with my attack of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. It's now time I reconsider the issue, so this weekend I plan to hole up in my subterranean bunker in classic Cheney style, get a tub of Frito's bean dip, some blue corn chips, and a 6 pack of red soda and watch DTMTBD. And I will enjoy it, dammit.

RHPT would have you believe that I claimed DTMTBD is the worst movie ever. Not so. I simply stated that in years to come, when we're standing around in rags, hoping our Ape Masters are not listening to us speak whistfully of the past... thru bleary, mud encrusted eyes we will look back and try to figure out where it all went wrong... and we will know it was with the release of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead. or when it ran on HBO all summer. I'm not sure which release window is really responsible.

I have to join Dedman in defending our useless film degrees from UT Austin. I also have a useless degree in history, but defending that would just be shameful. I have a degree in film from UT RTF, and therefore, I simply must have better taste in movie than all of you useless mongrels who flock to the theaters to stuff your gullets with "popping corn" and "Diet Coca-Cola" and gleefully squirm your way thru the latest Renee Zellwegger claptrap. Clearly, you must rely upon ME to tell you what is a good movie and what is not. Best movie ever? Godzilla 2000.

Look, it's pretty clear Randy is going thru some difficult times with the house and eyebrows thing, and he needs to work off some steam. If he really, really needs to believe DTMTBD is a great movie, vaya con dios.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

One of the great things about being a manager is that people have to listen to you. Even when you're not discussing work. And when I'm not discussing work, I have very little else to talk about aside from Melbotis, comics and pornography. I can't talk about porn all that often at work, and Melbotis doesn't do much to speak of, so I often find convoluted ways to drag the conversation kicking and screaming back to comics.

It strikes me that trivia I obtained in my youth about staples of the superhero comic book medium is not common knowledge. For example, during a discussion about earthquakes I abused my authority and used the opening to leap into an explanation of the ending of Superman I. I was also able to sneak in the counter-revolution/ time-travel sequence as well. (yesterday i made an attempt at explaining Crisis on Infinite Earths, but after 20 years, I'm not sure I understand Crisis, so it didn't go so well...)



At any rate... I have come to realize that most people recognize Spider-Man, Batman, the Hulk, Superman and Wonder Woman, but most people don't really know much about them. Which is okay. But the other day one of my co-workers said about the Hulk movie, "and did you see him throwing around a tank?! Whatever..." Indicating that essentially many, many people think of the Hulk as a green pro-wrestler. While this is an interesting idea, too, I assure you, the Hulk throws tanks very, very far.

It's not necessary going into The Hulk or Superman to understand that the Hulk can lift and throw tanks, or is so light but so strong, he can propel himself for miles at a time with a single leap. It's not necessary to know this, but I imagine it helps. Hopefully the story of the Hulk movie will explain all of this, but I know that there will still be a large portion of the public who will see the trailers and still say "did you see him throw a tank? whatever..." This may be the same population which sees trailers for Alex & Emma and wonders if they ever find love with one another... but that is not for me to judge.

I hope this movie is okay. I also hope Marvel stops making movies now before we all get stuck with a Dr. Strange movie we're all going to regret.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

John Mellencamp came to pop music prominence in the early 80's with the release of Uh-huh (1983) and American Fool (1982). Hits included Authority Song and Pink Houses and Jack and Diane.

My brother has never been much of one for birthdays, and so in 1986, I opened a solitary present from Jason on what had to be my 11th birthday. 1985's hit Scarecrow. Another birthday meant another John Mellencamp album. To the best of my recollection it was either American Fool or a greatest hits collection. 1988 brought me The Lonesome Jubilee.

That was pretty much it, as far as I can remember. That was the end of the John Mellencamp birthday era, when every year I would open a single present, and every year, it would be yet another John Mellencamp record. The peculiar thing is that I don't really like John Mellencamp, and neither does he. I don't dislike Mellencamp, and like a sport, I gave the tapes a whirl, but Mellencamp is not so much my style.

Jason's birthday apathy is well documented in the Steans Family oral history, and, in fact, from 1991 to 1996, it's safe to say nobody actually received a birthday present from him.

One dark day in the mid 90's I asked him "why Mellencamp?"

He didn't remember.

"You DON'T like Mellencamp?"

"No. He's fine, I guess."

"You had Mellencamp records."

"You gave those to me."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"I'll be damned. So you don't like John Mellencamp?"

"He's fine, but I never was really a big fan."

And he had a good long laugh at my expense.

As he emerged from Law School, birthday presents reappeared, and eventually, they even showed some knowledge of other's preferences.

Yesterday I opened a final and belated (by 2 months) birthday present from Jason. Thanks, man.
Jim D. has gone on the defensive. After yesterday's well-deserved pot shot at the modern movie business, Jim is now trying to fill your cottony brains with the notion that Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead is not as bad as it first appears. Clearly, Jim is a sick, sick man. I have posted my response and comments on his site and see no reason for you lazy bastards not to click over and read Jim's site today.

I had a telephone conference with Intel people in Malaysia, Singapore and God-knows where else at 7:20 this morning. I hate phone conferences. It's like delivering a presentation to a rock that occasionally asks a question.

Melbotis Update

Two weeks ago when we took Mel in for a shave and a haircut (two bits!), we then detoured him thru the PetsMart to select a new toy. Last night, in an act of animal aggression and over-sized puppy hyper-activity, Mel completely tore apart his toy frog. Hopefully I can get photos up soon. That's what $6.98 and a little teasing will get you. Now I have to find him a new toy with far, far fewer seams.

We are looking at adopting another dog in July. I hope he realizes this behavior is only accpetable with fluffy frog toys.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

I feel inclined to blog, but nothing of significance has occured within the past 48 hours. But other folks have blogged, and blogged well. I would point you to the blog of Crazy Jim D. He's blogged an enormous amount recently. He blogged recently about cameras on campus at the Univ. of Texas.

Well, Jim, once again you've inspired me. I've declared my shower a public place (as is my constitutionally guaranteed right, I am sure), installed a camera, and will soon be posting images of myself in the raw on this site. You may mistake me for a bald panda, but I assure you, that's me.

The site's name will be changing to www.hotchubbyboy.com. I will also be charging a $20 monthly membership fee to the site. Looking forward to all of you joining!

Also, Jim rants about how bad movies have become. But, my friends, I have seen the movie so vapid, so insidiously awful, that it may actually been the point at which the Shining Light of American Culture finally Jumped the Shark. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead.

I like bad movies. I have Big Trouble in Little China on DVD. But this movie surpasses funny bad and heads straight for depressing. If this is what American culture has to offer, I will spend my days grovelling in the streets of Myanmar.

The 80's brought us a common theme to comedy: a complete lack of motivation for any character to act in any sane way in order to advance the nauseatingly convoluted plot. This isn't just limited to Michael J. Fox movies and anything with Kirk Cameron in it. Usually, at least those guys were chasing some tail. No, these movies had characters acting in ways which make my 2nd grade Christmas pageant look like a Tony winner. THis movie makes so little sense, has characters acting with such little regard with care to themselves or others, that each twist and turn drives the viewer inches closer to the abyss. Truly, truly, truly, this may be the single dumbest piece of shit ever devised. I advise you to see it for yourself before we throw stones at American Pie.

Monday, June 16, 2003

GO SPURS!!!

I'm a little sad the Admiral is going, but bon voyage to you, sir! The NBA will be a poorer place for your retirement.

I also watched a good chunk of Bare-Assed Fine Arts Majors, this evening. It was an intriguing show, especially the sections which included Alec Baldwin introducing different branches on the cladiogram. If ANYONE is clearly a leading authority on human evolution, it must be a Baldwin. One may trace humanity from slithering gastropod to homo-Sapien just by looking at the Baldwin brothers.

This weekend I bagged and boarded comics, put them in their proper boxes and once again noted "I own many, many comics. Perhaps too many?" Really, I have a run of Uncanny X-Men from 168-312, and I'm never going to read it again. This is at least a recognizable title I am proud to have in my collection, but I also have crates of early DC-Vertigo titles, single issues of Avengers and tons of black and whites from whenever my inability to collect indie titles weighs upon my soul.

But here's the deal... the archivist in me (which is an ever exapnding portion of my being) wants more. I want them all. Given a million dollars and no parental supervision, I would build a Fortress of Solitude which would allow me to house an infinite number of comics at below room temperature, in low humidity, and still allow me access to the Lois Lane pimp bed from Superman 2.

Here is my review of last week's Adventures of Superman by Joe Casey: It was crappy. If you're looking to read Superman, do not start here. For the love of God, do not start here.

We spent all weekend looking for a coffee table. Our living room has no coffeetable to speak of, and so our coffee is forced to float suspended in mid-air. This was the 3rd or 4th weekend we'd spent looking, and I am happy to say that at the last store we looked, at the 11th hour, Jamie finally found a coffee table which she believes will fill the nagging void in our non-existsent feng-shui. Like everything in our lives, the table is dual purpose. Our kitchen is our family room (all too true), our living room is our dining room, and our bedroom is our bathroom. Our architect was a madman. At any rate, the table is also an enormous clock. In 6 weeks (or sooner! they tell us) the table/ clock wil descend into our lives and be an uncomfortable novelty piece which will pursue us until the end of time. (oh, hey.. a pun!)

Anyway, sorry I've been away. It's been a busy week. Next week looks just as grim. Hopefully I will post more.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Normally I don't post something like this, because it's kind of the equivalent of sending out a spam. But this is pretty funny.

Man, this week has been very busy at work. I have a non-descript academic staff job at a semi-major University here in Arizona. But like many American Universities, we are trying to now make a buck by selling classes online. We're trying to sell degree programs to tech firms like Intel, Motorola... places like that. (I just typed "like" as "liek" five times in a row...) Anyway, everyday this week we're meeting with someone, and I have to do my little sales pitch. It's so goofy, I don't even really want to get into it. But, it's been keeping me busy, busy. But mostly I end up sitting there drinking coffee and saying words like "online delivery" and "anytime, anywhere". Occasionally I get to say, "we can do that." And that's kind of the extent of my end of the conversation.

But today, as I meet with Intel folks, I will be thinking about this:

Source The Hollywood Reporter:

The Transformers -- the ever-morphing Hasbro toy line introduced in the mid-1980s that has gone on to spawn comic books, multiple television series and an animated feature -- are being prepped to change shape again, this time into stars of the big screen. Angry Films topper Don Murphy (whose next film is 'The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen') and writer-producer Tom DeSanto ('X-Men' and 'X2: X-Men United') have teamed to produce a feature-length, live-action movie based on the popular brand. The duo are expected to shop the project to studios shortly, and DeSanto said they have already received interest from a handful of directors hoping to get involved in the project. DeSanto is currently working on a story treatment for the project before he and Murphy hire a screenwriter to adapt it for the big screen.


Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Monday, June 09, 2003

Already my week is off to a questionable start... NBC has announced "V" will be returning to network TV. Will they re-employ Robert Englund?

Sunday, June 08, 2003

someone has finally delivered upon the promise of pro-wrestling after all of these years... http://kaiju.com/
The PigDog lurks...



Well, Mel got his bath and summer clipping. He looks a bit like a PigDog now. Unfortunately you can't see how skinny the tail is when trimmed. It looks like an afterthought. He's very tired. I think the 4 hours at the groomers took a lot out of the guy. He should be able to cope with this lovely Arizona weather a lot better now.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

I fully support NASA, but how much more crap are we going to keep lobbing at Mars until something doesn't crash and burn? We're treating that planet like a target at the City Carnival.

Friday, June 06, 2003

Rick Perry must be afraid other dudes peek at his pee-pee when he goes to the bathroom.

I don't really get homophobia. It's a bizarre paranoia. Why someone would want to legislate who you may or may not want to have sex with isn't just stupid, it's fucking hilarious. I mean, can you REALLY imagine getting so bunged up that two people are kissing or having sex or what-have-you, that you spend the time to write up a law stopping it? Or ask people to allow tax dollars to be spent prosecuting for the act? How sad and pathetic do you have to be?

I always go with the theory that all of these laws are paranoia stemming from the same source: straight folks are afraid of the moment of awkwardness if they were ever hit on by a gay person. In order to avoid having to turn someone down or have to spend a few awkward moments explaining why they don't find someone else attractive, they would rather toil in our legislature putting restrictions on the lives of others that they would never accept for themselves.

There's nothing about being gay that hurts anybody else (disappointed wannabe-grandmothers excepted), so why do we bother with laws about this? Surely, surely, surely there are better ways our legislators and governors could be spending their time than trying to discredit the love between two people. If this law were passed forcing interracial marriages to be discredited in Texas, it most certainly could never stand.

In this era where every jack-ass who owns a bumper has adorned it with a sticker declaring they're Proud to be an American, folks might want to consider what freedoms they are completely willing to take away from others, those who might be their neighbors, friends, co-workers, siblings or parents.

****update*****

Ashcroft fears for his wee-wee's sake as well! But he's fucking crazy, so we knew that.
Back in 1999, Simpsons alum Brad Bird directed the phenomenal Iron Giant over at Warner Bros. I'm not sure how or why the best animated movie of the past several years has gotten pushed to the wayside in favor of films like Rugrats in Paris, but it happened. Iron Giant was and is a terrific movie, and I suggest you rent it (and NOT just for the many Superman references).

Pixar knows something good when it sees it (and surely recognized Bird managed to make a movie at the very LEAST equal to the Toy Story movies) and had to have known that Bird posed a Clear and Present Danger should Warner Bros. get their act together. But this is America, and so rather than pull a Dr. Doom and have him killed, Pixar pulled a Lex Luthor and simply bought him off. Which is good. Bird now stands to have a chance at getting real backing not just during production, but as part of marketing. Good for him.

This is the trailer for Bird's Pixar debut, a movie about a Superhero family known as THE INCREDIBLES. View the trailer here.

Thursday, June 05, 2003

Jim suggested I blog upon this astounding item which appeared on ebay. I'm going to keep this short, as I really do encourage you to read the description to see for yourself what the seller is up to. Anyway, if ghosts and goblins, do, in fact exist, is it better to send them UPS or Postal Service?
Heroes and Villains

I watched the AFI thing the other day, and, According to Jim, somebody suggested that I, your humble blogger, write about it. Well, it was really long and kind of boring. I was deeply impressed that the AFI selected Atticus Finch as the best/ most important hero of the past 100 years of cinema.

But is Hannibal Lecter the greatest villain? Maybe the best played in many minds, but I find it curious that we're able to point to a hero who is able to stand up for justice against insurmountable odds and at the potential cost of alienating not just him, but his whole family, and then select a villain who is pretty much the boogie man. True enough, there are vicious predatory killers in our midst, but if we're selecting a hero based upon a moral fiber we'd like to find within ourselves, are we really afraid of finding a cannibalistic englishman dwelling in our psyche? (btw, I find Brian Cox's portrayal of Lecter at least as spooky as Hopkins). I suppose Lecter was chosen because he is, clearly, no longer "human", but a monster. He's something tangible and, ultimately, defeatable.

The threat Atticus faces is not Bob Ewell. It's a jury and a system which he knows he can't beat, but it's worth trying. It's interesting we can't point to ourselves in that jury box as villains, but I guess that's always kind of difficult.
The shack'a'lackin' shiztnizzle

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Toys that should not be:

Chtulu hand puppet.
We live in a nation of diverse ideals and ideas. Each man, woman and child is allowed to follow their own creed, their own beliefs and is granted freedom to pursue their own happiness. In order to protect these freedoms, our nation is served by a line of men and women whom have dedicated their lives to the defense of our nation.

But do we show these men and women the proper respect? It's one thing to wave a flag, or buy a flag sticker for the back of your car, but what are you really doing aside from lining the pockets of the Chinese subsidiary which made that plastic flag? Really, look at yourself and ask, "what have I done to show my appreciation?" Well, you may suck, but the folks at the Moonlight BunnyRanch of Nevada are stepping up to the plate to show they can be as patriotic in their own way as our returning troops.

Yesterday I went and grabbed PF Chang's for lunch (not that exciting, kids... my office is literally above PF Chang's here in Tempe). My fortune cookie said: You stand in your own light. Make it shine.

I brought the little slip back to my office where I attempted to decipher the deeper meaning. Co-worker Tom suggested it has foretold of an impending and fantastic baldness on my part.

But, if it were true, we'd all be millionaires playing the lotto numbers which come in our cookies.

The FCC decided yesterday to allow media conglomerates to somehow become larger. I'm not really sure how a company like AOL/ Time-Warner can get any larger than it already is, but apparently it's true.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

500 hits

Well, kids, sometime within the past 24 hours The League of Melbotis surpassed 500 hits. Granted, 400 of these hits were from me checking my own work , but I think it's worth mentioning here that for the both of you who regularly read this page, and for the half dozen of you who stumbled across the site looking for nude pictures of Gillian Anderson, thanks for the support.
Normally I don't find this stuff so funny, but the Superman homepage was hacked into from the UK. Hopefully sitemaster Steve Younis will be able to correct the situation soon.



Monday, June 02, 2003

And just to keep anyone from hanging in suspense, my car is all taken care of. Pitre Subaru of Scottsdale even washed it before I picked it up. How can you not be pleased with that? I drove the car all weekend and it's like having a new car again. I am poorer but happier, and isn't that what consumerism is about?

Mel is not liking the heat. I need to call PetSmart and get him trimmed for summer. But then he will look like a piggy.

Sunday, June 01, 2003


today marks my first anniversary in Chandler, Arizona.

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Heh heh he he he

Ron Perlman as Hellboy

Hellboy as originally drawn by Mignola

I don't read Hellboy, although I like Mignola's art, and The Amazing Screw-On Head was pretty cool. I will definitely go see anything where this guy is the hero. Look for this movie next year.

Friday, May 30, 2003

More fun with the Patriot Act
My car trouble continued into yesterday. It was not the drive shaft, it was a wheel bearing, which is good, as that's still covered under the warranty. I am now struggling to decide whether or not to extend my warranty. It is prohibitively expensive, but if something goes really, really wrong, the alternative is more expensive. I am supposed to get my car back today.

The downside to all of this is that I missed a chunk of the Spurs game last night. Jamie came and got me (God bless her) and by the time we ate dinner and got home, it was the 3rd quarter. Well, the Spurs weren't doing too well, so I turned off the game and wandered off in disgust. Stupid me. Kerr apparently came alive shortly after I turned off the game and the Spurs clinched it. Go Spurs.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

And just in case you ever had any doubt...

Okay, kids, I've been threatening to do this for some time. I finished Supreme: Story of the Year last weekend, and I was going to write a review, but changed my mind. Instead, in my ongoing pursuit of forcing others to read comics, I'm delving deep. If I can get Jamie to sit down and read Top Ten, I can get some other folks reading comics, too.

In the past few years several movies and television programs have come out based on comic properties.
Spider-Man
X-Men and X2
Blade and Blade 2
Smallville
Birds of Prey
Daredevil
Hulk comes out in a few weeks and Spider-man 2 is filming. Batman is being directed by Chris Nolan and Superman is in a state of production limbo. Punisher is filming. Hellblazer is being mashed down into a nightmare called Constantine. Hellboy is being done as a feature with Ron Perlman as Hellboy himself.

But not all comics are about superheroes or mutants or what have you. Did you know Road to Perdition was a comic? Or the Jack the Ripper drama From Hell? League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is based loosely on Alan Moore's comic of the same name, Ghost World was originally a Daniel Clowes comics.

Anyway, if you saw these movies or TV shows, if you ever liked any of them... the same basic tenent often holds true: The book is better than the movie. I encourage folks to swing by the comics section at their Barnes and Noble, Borders, or whatever. The comic publishers collect the monthly 22 page comics into nifty little collections which are alternately called Graphic Novels or Trade Paperbacks. I think if you spend a few minutes digging around you'll find something that has cool art, or an interesting looking character or two. I also think that if this your first voyage into comics territory, that you'll find not all Superheroes are alike. Start somehwere with something you've seen before as a movie, such as X-Men or Spider-Man. Find art you can like, and then go from there. Specific artists jump from comic to comic, so you can seek out artists or writers, just as you would any other book. Look for numbers on the spines of these big comic books. They'll often tell you what order these things can or should be read in. That's always helpful.

If it's been awhile since you read comics, try wandering on back to the sci-fi section at your bookstore. Things may have changed a little, but it's still a lot of fun.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

It reached 111 degrees here today. At least it's a dry heat, they tell me.
Just went to lunch. Holy shit is it hot out.
In other good news, my Miller's Crossing, Barton Fink and Challenge of the Superfriends DVD's finally showed up yesterday.

I still love Miller's Crossing, and for a lot of reasons that have to do with story, cinematography, acting, blah blah blah... But, as Verna, UT alumnus Marcia Gay Harden did something very, very wrong to me as a young high schooler. In the process she managed to completely distort my concept of what I thought a cool girl was going to be. It turned out that Harden had been roomies with my high school drama coach back when they attended the Univ. of Texas together. I was promised a chance to contact Harden, but Valenta decided my young, hormone-addled mind would not be given this chance to go into absolute meltdown. Just as well.

Still, it's one of my fave rave's, and I have to say the release of this particular DVD is a long time in coming.

And Barton Fink...? I'll show you the life of the mind...

In visiting my parents this weekend, I stumbled across a box of old photos. One thing struck me in particular. In all the pictures taken during high school, I look absolutely terrified. Seriously. Well, in truth, that's kind of how I remember ages 15-17, so it's probably pretty accurate. These pictures, especially photos of me smiling, make me look confused and frightened.
I've got to give a shout out to Discount Tire out in Gilbert, AZ. I put 4 new tires on the Forester on the 10th to get rid of road noise, but the sound was actually worse with the new tires. I went in yesterday and told them my dilemma. At absolutely no charge, they gave me 4 newer, better tires, no questions asked. "If this doesn't fix your problem, it's not the tires," I was told.

Holy cats. In this day and age, aside from the local Target, I am pretty much used to getting the shaft when I need any actual customer service. I will never buy tires anywhere else ever again.

Here's my problem. The sound persists. It's not road noise. It's got to be the drive shaft. I fear I am about to go into some serious debt. Stupid car.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Well, I skipped out of work around 1:15 and picked up Melbotis. He's in good shape, and he got a bath while still at the kennel. Mel was given a little report card to let me know how he'd done.

Eating: Ate all his food every day
Attitude: A big sweetheart :)
Special Comments: Enjoyed his TLC time. (I paid $10 a day for extra playtime, which felt weird since I have no way of verifying they actually play with the dogs)
Problems: none :)

All in all, it appears Mel did well. He is extraordinarily tired this evening, which probably means he lost some shut eye around the other dogs. He ate dinner, went outside and pretty much passed out behind the couch. Good for him. I'm glad he's home.
Those who follow The League are aware that Mel and I are buddies. What many of you may not know is that there is, in fact, a 4th member of our household.



Jeff is the cat Jamie and I adopted before we were married.

As a rule, I never really cared much for cats, and Jeff hasn't done much to sway me away from my opinion. He bites a lot, attacks Jamie and sheds everywhere. He even occasionally goes after poor old Mel. But Jeff is my kitty, and I feel as if I've got to give props to the big man as he managed to make it for three days on his own without any adult supervision.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Okay, I don't know who the person was who was looking for "all natrual boobs" who hit The League, but I assure you, "all natrual boobs" will not be making their presence known on this site.

I have returned from Houston and am depressed once again at the lack of greenery in Arizona. Not much to be done about it, I suppose. Houston is, for all it's smog and other pollutants, still a very green place. That said, I got a taste of the open ocean at the Aquarium resaurant in downtown Houston yesterday afternoon. The fish was pricey, but tasty, and they have an honest-to-God Aquarium as part of the complex. Very cool.

I am very tired. I hate to say that maybe I got too much sun yesterday and am still trying to get over a mild sunburn. I am also not wanting to return to work tomorrow as I have had an abbreviated weekend.

Mel has to stay at the Kennel thru tomorrow. As Memorial Day is a holiday, I can't pick him up. The house seems very, very empty.

Jim has asked that I blog about the American Family Association's recent artilce on the "evils of comics". At this point, it's pretty clear Jimbo is baiting me, but that's all right. Look, if these AFA mouth-breathers want to whine about every bit of media that isn't equivalent to Seventh Heaven, there's not much I can do to help them. I just suggest they try to leave the rest of us alone who are trying to have a nice life.

I do love terms like "the gay agenda" that pop up in these sorts of publications. Last time I checked, the gay agenda involved not getting beat to death for your sexual preference, but apparently there's an insidious bit of gay-plotting afoot. Oh, those whiley gays! They'll have Ashcroft huffing cock in a chemise if we don't stop this trend!

The best part of the whole article comes at the end where the author chooses to rail against the character of Nightcrawler, a character depicted since the late 70's as a firm Catholic who will not allow the prejudice of others to sway him from his devotion to Christ. Nightcrawler, as recently seen in X2: X-Men United, has a demonic appearance, but that is supposed to be the irony of the character. The character of Nightcrawler even went so far as to join the seminary in the past few years of X-Men, but he recently, as part of his arc, had a moment of crisis. The author of the articvle takes this opportunity to attack Nightcrawler: Of course, the one religion to be openly disrespected is always Christianity. In a January, 2003, issue of Marvel’s Uncanny X-Men, the blue-skinned Nightcrawler is shown in St. Patrick’s Cathedral, railing against Jesus Christ. Interesting that Christ and Moses are allowed to have moments of doubt, but not anyone else. This author also COULD have pointed to this character as a shining example of Christianity over 20+ years of comics. X-Men has long been about tolerance, and this author showed how intolerant he and his readership are willing to be.

The AFA was also running banner-ads on their own site to "Stop the Persecution of Christians" within the US. I wonder what the hell these guys are talking about. Isn't the US more than 70% Christian, even if not necessarily church-going? Or is the AFA the keepers of what it means to be Christian? I suppose whenever someone disagrees with them, it must mean they're being persecuted... anyway...

Comics went thru this same attack in the 50's with the publication of Seduction of the Innocent. This led to the establishment of the Comics Code Authority, the decimation of EC Comics and a lot of talented people being censored into oblivion by people without imagination enough to try to understand the stories within comics. Today, the average age of comic readership is around 24. That's a more mature population than that watching Friends or anything not on CBS. These people do not need anyone acting as the Thought-Police. Comics creators, however, earn a fraction of what is earned in other media and the industry would have a difficult time withstanding a full-on assault by motivated folks seeking a new target.

Support the CBLDF.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

click here

Random house is publishing a new book about Alex Ross's work with text by Chip Kidd.

Mel Report:

Mel is okay. He was a little jumpy last night during Idol, but he settled down when I got him up on the couch with me. I am taking him to the vet tomorrow to be boarded while we sail off to Houston. I will miss him. He is my buddy and I don't like to think of him being scared at night around all those strange dogs. He will take several tennis balls and BooBoo for comfort. I will also try and select a blanket that I will no longer care about. Poor guy. I hope he does okay.

Anyway, have a good Memorial Day and try not to remember that in 1998, this was the Holiday which brought us Godzilla. Actually this picture is deceptively cool. Do not be fooled by it. This movie stinks.
Here's some good news, I think. Tim Burton says he might direct a remake of Willy Wonka.

WARNING: The blog post below has links to some family-unfriendly fare.

Jim D. suggested I post about www.pornolize.com

And I did, and then I pulled most of the post back down. I mean, it's pretty self-explanatory. Go to town, kids.

Victory for the Big Man

I am a Big Man. I am around 6'5" and retain a consistent panda bear shape. I made it to my black belt at this weight, and I assure you, in a contest of survival, I could kill you and eat you. You would not stand a chance. These are the advantages of being a Big Man.

A small victory for the Big Man occured this evening when American Idol's Ruben Studdard became the Season 2 American Idol. I hope he celebrates with a 72 oz. steak and a tup of cool whip. God Bless America.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

So I don't think it's a secret that I watch Smallville each and every week. Jamie complained last night at the end that she doesn't like several aspects of the show anymore, but I'm kind of digging it more than ever. For those of you who do not watch, Smallville is a show about the weekly events in the life of a young Superman. The gag is, he's not Superman yet, he's just a farm kid named Clark Kent. Last season was kind of goofy and faux-X-Filesish. They had a freak of the week, blah blah blah... But in order to set up of drama that would attract 14 year old girls, in some ways, Smallville has become more Archie than Superman.

Clark = Archie
Lana = Veronica
Chloe = Betty
Pete = Jughead
Jonathan = Pop
Lex = Reggie
Lionel = Mr. Lodge

Anyway, this season they jettisoned the super villain of the week premise and are going for over-arching story-arcs around Clark being an alien. Christopher Reeve made an appearance, Terence Stamp played the voice of Jor-El. And Red K made an appearance like 3 times.

I also watched the final contest on American Idol (hits! hits! hits!, c'mon hits!) If i could have gotten through last night, my vote would have gone to Ruben Studdard. Look, Clay is a nice guy, i am sure, but he also sings the kind of music I grew up hating in a fashion that I grew up absolutely loathing. He's Richard Marx, he's Rick Astley, he's an even less soulful Simply Red, he's a young Michael Bolton (that no-talent ass-clown). He falls beautifully into the category of non-threatening boy, but I'm not looking for who I want to make out with.

American Idol is not devoid of talent. To say that the singers are completely untalented or unskilled would be unkind and unfair. American Idol's greatest downfall is that the music sucks. Really. These are brainless pop tunes for a void and negative industry which can't figure out why nobody buys records anymore and still puts out Jessica Simpson albums. The contestants on the show dig the music (most of the selections which drifted into audial wall-paper decades ago), which does make you sincerely question their taste. Free to steer their own course of destiny, surely these singers would sail headlong into the rock of Gibraltar. That said, the generic, vanilla music used on the show means that, by default, no matter what the performers do on the show, they're only making things suck slightly less with even the best performance. The fact that she picked occasional rock tunes instead of another weepy ballad was what kept Nicky in last years competition for so long. She was a talentless stripper-dork, but she was using Stevie Nicks songs, so it was at least it was INTERESTING compared to yet another Whitney Houston syrupy blather, even when Nicky butchered the vocals.

Clay does his best, but he's putting varnish on plywood. Ruben is slightly better, at least coloring the plywood, but I can't get over him singing Sweet Home Alabama. It doesn't matter. All of these people have contracts now or in the future. I just want to see all the crepe paper fall from the ceiling tonight when somebody wins and Ryan Seacrest celebrating having the easiest job in the world.
Jim sent me this. I need to learn to appreciate the good stuff I've got.
Just Laura has been added to the League. Check out her sunnyside up take on Sea - Addle. I do not know her anymore than I know RANDY T., but thru the crazy webs Jim Dedman weaves, we'll all be linking to one another soon.

Interesting article here

Rummy is now petitioning for testing of new and cooler nuclear weapons. Apparently the weapons Rummy is looking to proliferate and thereby encourage other nations to build is a weapon which would somehow seek out WMD in their secret underground bunkers. I guess that's where he still is guessing Iraq's weapons went. The plan is to drop these magically useful weapons on nations which bury their WMD, say, in the middle of a city, making the weapon, say, useless. Or is it? And, hey, if you're wrong, who the heck knows? because nobody is going to wander into an irradiated area to find out if they got the right spot.

What an evil, evil fuck.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

CORRECTION: My wife (AKA: The Killjoy) has brought to my attention that I am an illiterate boob and that it's 1 in 5 pre-teens who are having sex. Now society is going to say this is wrong, and I find myself hard pressed to disagree with society. Mostly out of spite, I'll admit, because when I was 13 and wearing stained Coca-Cola shirts and working to take 1st chair in the Canyon Vista Middle School Honor's Band Tuba Brigade, curiously, nobody wanted to climb Mt. Steaner.

Teens want to have sex! WOW! The study says it's 1 in 5, but as I recall, as far as the guys I knew in high school, it was 5 in 5. Guys who said they didn't were 1) lying or 2) already having sex or 3) thought I was offering when I asked "are you interested in sex?"

You know, we've got at least two wars going on, Eastern Europe to police and one crazy fat toad man ranting in the DPRK about nuclear annihalation, and CNN has this posted as a headline. Sigh. Didn't the Kinsey Report come out 50 years ago? And why is CNN just finding all of this out now?

Uncle Ry's Helpful Hints:

Uncle Ry wishes a report like this had been released when HE was in high school. In an effort to help you kiddies out there who look to your Uncle Ry for guidance, we've provided a helpful synopsis of what you should take away from this very complicated report:
Look for the girls who smoke cigarettes either behind the school or in their cars on the way to school. These girls are much, much more fun than the girls at the prayer meetings or who volunteer in the library. The girls who smoke will save you a LOT of trouble in the long run.

And in a moment of weirdness, my ex-roommate's husband has gotten some real-estate on Ain't It Cool News with a film he's working on about a guy with elephantitus of the gonads. I just lived with her, I claim no responsibility for she or her husband.

Monday, May 19, 2003

MIRACLE MONDAY

I took out the Miracle Monday image. For some reason it's been totally causing problems with loading the page.

Apparently today is Miracle Monday. Miracle Monday has disappointingly little to do with Mel Brooks or even Gregory Hines. Rather, Elliot S! Maggin wrote a Superman comic which took place in the future (let's say in 5902), and followed up with a "novel" which you can buy online. Miracle Monday is kind of like Passover, except instead of waiting for a prophet, you set a place at your table for Superman to show up. In the year 5902 crime, war, poverty and poor hygiene have all been eradicated thanks to Superman's influence in the 21st Century, but Superman disappeared, so he's supposed to be returning on "Miracle Monday." Like, you know, Passover or Easter or Festivus or something.

Okay, I like my comics, but this is kind of creepy even to me. Of course I find Groundhog's Day creepy, so obviously it doesn't take much to shake me. Anyhow, Good Miracle Monday, as they say in 5902. Have some nachos and make a plate for the Man of Steel.
Interesting. The BBC and other foreign press have been talking a great to-do about Private Lynch's rescue from an Iraqi hospital. It seems that the actual circumstances of Lynch's liberation are a mystery, wrapped in enigma, smothered in secret sauce. When Lynch was heroically rescued from the Iraqi hospital, CNN and other sources stated that a diversionary force was sent in, and was under fire. BBC says now that possibly things may have not been quite as heroic as they were portrayed (there have been reports that there was no actual firefight and possibly blanks were used). From my personal recollection of the video footage, I recall gunfire in the background, but I'm also as reliable as a Firestone tire, so take that as you will. Also, note the dismissive farewell the US anchor drops at the end of the interview.

Ever since CNN ran a story about how the photos Bush used at the UN of nuclear basis in Iraq were fakes, I've been a bit jittery.

Sometimes I miss Hoover.

It was only a matter of time...

And in an amazing bit of restraint for Hollywood, I was amazed to read this very candid explanation today of why the Mr. Show movie "Run, Ronnie, Run" had never been released.

I've added a new phrase to my vocabulary: Recreational Shopping. It's something I've done for years, but Arizona has brought out the bored consumer within me. Today's little spree ended in the purchase of two new screwdrivers (I lost my standard flathead and philips... most curious), a pack of scredriver heads for my power-drill (all Craftsman, of course), and a package of blue socks (from Target). I think I got away okay this time, and I actually needed all of these items (well, the screwdriver heads I might need one day in the future...). Past excursions have ended in the purchase of Playstations, metal cats, and a remote controlled car that runs into a robot with the push of a button.

It finally broke 100 degrees this weekend in The Valley of the Sun. When I moved here last June 1st and it was 104 degrees, I kept asking everyone "when will it end?" "Sometime around Halloween," they'd say, and the week of Halloween it cooled off. Since then, everything's been peachy. But no longer. Sol took to the sky and began cooking my chubby little innards around Thursday afternoon. I now have the next 5 months to stew in my own juices. Mel was devastated by the change, and keeps forgetting it's hot out. He runs outside, then immediately returns to the door. It's going to be a long summer.

On Friday I am returning to Houston for a whirlwind trip in which I will be celebrating my mother's retirement. She's taking a well-deserved break after teaching public school for the past 30 years. The actual start date is earlier, but she took a few years off to give birth to my brother and myself, and to ensure her littercould read as well as bone and skin our own kills. She received her degree from Northern Michigan University and her masters from Univ. of Florida. Her first job in Florida coincided with the desgregation of schools in Florida, and her final job has been teaching a bunch of little goobers at Kaiser Elementary in Klein ISD, Texas. I salute my mum for putting up with the world's second most thankless job (after Distance Learning manager, which I ASSURE you is a labor of love and not money). She's a hell of lady, and she's seen more kids learn their ABCs than you can shake a stick at. My old man, being the capitalist raider he is, has been kept from becoming a corporate monster by her good deeds in the classroom and for the other 6 hours a day of job-related hoo-hah she's done for the past thirty years. I am proud to say that this year she won the award for Teacher of the Year for her school. We should all be so lucky to have a teacher like my mom. Unless it's the middle of July, and you're on the porch doing math homework assigned to "keep you frosty until school starts" while all the neighbor kids are watching the A-Team and enjoying ice cream.

If you'd like to e-mail my mum to congratulate her on her retirement and to thank her for her tireless work in the classroom, you can do it here: ksteans@kleinisd.net



Friday, May 16, 2003

Texas Democrats in Oklahoma? Anyone wondering why Democrats, or any sane person, would reject the Texas GOP proposed redistricting plans need only look at this map. Whole cities are broken into bizarre chunks to minimize the effects of large groups of voters, areas are wrapped around voting blocks in unnatural curves and coves in order to avoid any potential threat. Yet, somehow, the Panhandle is a solid mass.

If the GOP is this interested in maintaining a majority, they should try actually meeting the needs of their constituents. In the meantime, pillaging whole cities of their ability to fairly elect candidates which represent the constituency is as undemocratic and even unrepublican as voter fraud (thanks, LBJ!). Anyone genuinely interested in serving the public would not feel the need to go to lengths this deceitful. By winning the game at any cost, the GOP threatens to undermine the very fundamentals the game was based upon.

The fallout of this exodus is going to be as hard felt as the ousting of the Republicans at the end of Reconstruction. In order to achieve anything for the remainder of the term, Texas Democrats will have to be prepared for nothing but an uphill battle. They've finally pulled the tiger's tail, but perhaps after 140 years of domination, it's fair to ask them to work for their seats and right to represent.
The Amazing Dedman has pointed me toward an article in the Houston Chronicle about a man who claims to have originally dreamed up American Idol, a concept he claims to have pitched in 1994 to several production companies in the US and Europe. He also claims that he DOES, in fact, have evidence of the pitches and the time at which he made them.

As American Idol is widely known to have originated from a show broadcast in the UK called "Pop Idol" (which also sounds like a creepy breakfast cereal to me), one wonders if there is any truth to the man's claims. The gentleman is asking for $300 million.

You know, I do lay awake at night trying to figure out how to make the big score, and this seems like as good a scheme as any. But here's the deal, kids... when you start making any money, someone is always going to want a piece of you and your fortune. Someone is always going to be trying to make a grab. If you get rich, do it low profile.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Somehow I have offended the gods.

Almost everyday now I get a spam/ junk e-mail about getting a new septic tank. I've never looked for a septic tank online, I don't live where I can use a septic tank, and frankly, I don't think I'd buy one online anyway. I think, like buying shoes, it's something you need to feel out for yourself before you purchase it.

At least e-mails offering me porn would be interesting, but I don't get those. No, I get offered great deals on septic tanks and "male enhancement."
In the "Why Does God Hate Me?" category, the boobs running Warner Bros. pictures are apparently so distracted by The Matrix franchise, that a legion of 14 year old girls has seized the production offices and is making ridiculous demands.

while just a rumor, superherohype.com is reporting that Justin Timberlake of N'Sync is up for the role of Superman in the upcoming and ultimately doomed Superman feature film franchise. I hate Warner Bros. today. Seriously. Why is this being allowed to happen?

I understand that LA is a town in which creative decisions are made for business reasons and a lot of weird things can happen, but I think it doesn't take a genius to know that Justin Timberlake is not the first person to spring to mind when Superman casting is mentioned. This is not creative casting or even stunt casting. This rumor indicates a sad grab at dollars from 14 year old girls. The irony being that this will alienate pretty much any male between 16 and 80. Hollywood must be quite the wonderbubble to live in. Imagine a world where you might actually consider making this casting decision.

I am sure this is a rumor gone awry, but it highlights the fact that the Superman movie project is so out of control that anything is possible. From prior reports of their casting selection, the script must be focusing on a juvenile version fo the character, which is completely crazy based on the current and successful version of a Young Superman in the WB's own Smallville. Tom Welling, who plays young Clark Kent is twice TImberlake's size, and has established himself.

Someone needs to tell them not to make this movie until the stupid level gets turned down a notch.

Mad props to the good folks at RHPT.com for linking to The League. We do our best, and always appreciate a little support. Or at least what we assume was support. Again, as people I don't know read this site, my paranoia increases.

Matrix Madness had consumed the Chandler Fashion Center Harkins 24 last night. I went to the Atomic Comics to go pick up a long box and an X-men trade I had on order, and lo and behold, betwixt the buildings were many a Gen-Y'er awaiting the midnight release of Matrix Reloaded.

I wish all Matrix fans the best of luck. May you not have need to experience the same six months of denial and wasted energy defending Reloaded that I spent defending The Phantom Menace (Jim D. can verify my bout with insanity). All I'm saying is that I spent five hours in line to see that damn movie, and it left me so crazed and delirious that I was not in my right mind until I viewed Phantom Menace on home video.

Melbotis update: A while back I gave Mel one of Jamie's socks to play with. It's totally disgusting now, and I don't know what to do about it. Lately he's really wanted me to hang onto the other end and play tug-o-war, but here's the problem: Jamie has little feet and little socks. Mel has a big, slobbery mouth. The sock is vile to the touch. I need to get out some of my old socks to at least give me a little breathing room.

Oh, and in order to get more hits, I'll mention American Idol. I always double my hits when I mention American Idol. I don't care who wins as we learned from last season, all of the bottom four or five will get record contracts. Clay Aiken and Ruben Studdard need to do a buddy cop movie that takes place in the Deep South, and it needs to be a musical.

If I mention the chillingly, vacuously talentless Kimberly Caldwell, I also get many, many more hits. I can never figure out if it's from little girls or dirty old men. And why do they like the same things?

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

As our nation's leaders stomp around the country repeating "jobs" and "growth" (which is actually printed on the Presidential back drop these days) in support of Bush's new tax cut, I'd like to take a moment of pause.

If we're cutting $550 Billion from the budget, but increasing military spending, by default, won't the federal government have to release people from their government jobs?

$550 billion

reduced to the amount it would equate to evenly over 11 years (which I think is the plan) = $50,000,000,000

divided by, say $40,000 a year over 11 years

could eliminate around 1,250,000 jobs.

Now the $550 billion cut does not include the proposed plans to increase military spending, so potentially more jobs are looking at getting the axe, but I guess that's where military recruiting will fit in.

Of course the federal government isn't planning on killing over a million jobs (I think), so what is going to have to go? Surely education won't mind a $9 billion cut. Or healthcare. People certainly do not need healthcare. But our need for a laser armed space station is clear.

I look forward to a future of stupid, sick people where we've outlawed McDonald's and can wipe enemies off the face of the earth with a laser bolt a la Real Genius.

How to keep relevant and tie this into Melbotis? Look, Mel doesn't know much about this federal government thingie, but he isn't exactly clear on how this is going to help spur spending by consumers if many, many of them lose their jobs and people are spending all of their money trying to stay healthy while raising property taxes so schools aren't shut down. Mel's also a little concerned that maybe this tax cut will support businesses and people who already have enough money to buy volumes of stock large enough that they actually give a shit about how many times their dividends get taxed. But maybe I'm putting words in his mouth.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

It's days like today when I truly miss The Lone Star State.

And Jim D. has informed me that somebody out there hit his site after searching for "melbotis cancer" on MSN.com. it is possible it was my brother, but that seems a bit odd.

Monday, May 12, 2003

So yesterday I was doing the weekly whacking of the weeds with my Craftsman when I banged my head on a branch in my backyard. It didn't hurt that bad. I was mostly just kind of surprised.
Twenty minutes later I went out to mow my lawn with my Craftsman when I began to wonder if my head had bled at all when I popped it against the branch. Just the previous morning I had watched a televangelist talking about how the scalp is one of the most well-veined parts of the body, but I had experienced no blood loss that I could assess.
So when I reached up and touched my head I noticed I had something attached to my head. Apparently I had driven a thorn through my scalp and straight into the lining around my skull, and possibly into my skull. Zowie!
Anyway, I'm here to tell you folks, there are few things weirder feeling (albeit rather painless) than pulling something out of your own noggin.

Melbotis update: We took Mel to the place where he will be boarded when we go to Hoston. He had to go in for an inspection. They shot something up his nose to prevent Kennel Cough, but it didn't really phase him.
I do think he'll be a little freaked as he is not well socialized with other dogs. But he is a good boy, and I am sure he will be fine.

And this is kind of cool. It's great how people make their own fun. I get the knives and goblins and whatnot, but what's up with role-playing the clapping wench? Not much of a fantasy life, I guess. LIGHTNING BOLT!!!!

Sunday, May 11, 2003

Well, I finally dragged my sorry carcass to go and see X2 (X-Men United) last night. It was pretty damn good. Huzzah for Nightcrawler.

The trailers got me thinking, and I'm going out on a limb to admit something here: I don't like the Matrix. Really. I'm the guy who walked out at the end into cold daylight and didn't see what the big deal was.

I thought the original Matrix was just kind of dumb. Not Dean Devlin Godzilla dumb, but kind of stupid. Thus, I feel a little left out these days when I see all of these trailers for the sequel or whatever it is to The Matrix. I just don't care. From a script point, the Matrix felt like the mad ramblings of a comic reading 9th grader who recently discovered Tae Kwon Do and Jet Li.

By the end of original Matrix, I was cheering for Mr. Smith to wipe out all of these fashion victims and their hi-flying hoo-hah. I mean, cheering for the humans in the Matrix is a little like cheering for the cows in a western. What will poor Mr. Smith eat if he can't eat people? We all appreciate Optimus Prime for protecting humanity from the Decepticons, but at the end of the day, he's going to turn around and need a big 'ol energon sandwich, too, and where's he going to get it? Odds are, he's going to be eyeing our precious natrual resources as well. And it ain't like we're using them wisely, oh mighty drivers of the Hummer.

I'm no engineer, but I know using people for powering your killer squid robots has got to be the dumbest source of energy that these space men/ Skynet folks could have possibly sought... if they were looking for a clean, replinishable energy source, solar and tidal power, as well as windmills are far more efficient and less likely to revolt against you. Hell, a tire fire is more efficient. And all the wasted power in keeping humans alive? I mean, the energy expenditure in lighting those tubes and keeping the people, batteries warm can't possibly be giving you better than a 15% return on your investment. Has no one noticed how much energy we suck up and how much food, etc... we have to consume? I think the assumption is that these people must all be Canadians and are eating one another so there is no wasted energy, but to accomplish this, every Canadian would have to eat like 10 other Canadians a year just to keep going, and in the end, we'd have run out of Candians faster than you can say "Socializied Medicine." And wouldn't cows be easier to keep happy in floating bubbles (plus you could mine the methane gas for additional energy)?

We've also been led to believe that the evil spacemen/ Skynet control the environment of the Matrix, so why not drop a huge virtual block on Neo & Co.? Or take away the doors when they're in a room? Or drop a virtual atom bomb on them? Kung-Fu just seems really inefficient, let alone sending only single individuals or small gorups after them at a time. Why not a virtual SWAT team, or army? Or PTA? i mean, if it comes down to erasing a file folder or two to get at the factions threatening to end your very existence, wouldn't you be willing to drag and drop them into the recycle bin rather than keep banging your head against the wall?

As something that can be a big bag of fun after a couple of beers, I can appreciate the Matrix. Other than that, the holes in the plot were bigger than the holes in a pair of Lucas's threadbare Phantom Menace underoos.

So now we have bad Universal Studios Adventure stand-ins filling commercials shilling beer and Power-Ade. As if this movie needs to find additional sources of revenue. Is Carrie-Ann Moss really too respected to shill beer herself?

Worst of all crimes is that the execs at Warner Bros. have no idea that in re-inventing the Superman story for the upcoming movie, they're ripping off their own product. The script is about fulfilling prophesies with the use of Superpowers. Wow. Is that ever going to look smart after 3 of the highest grossing movies EVER have used the same storyline.

Sigh.

There's nothing wrong with liking The Matrix. It just wasn't my bag. Let's all hope it's better than I think it will be (not that I'll know until it comes on cable).