Friday, February 10, 2006

The Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Why am I watching this? It's 10:30 Mountain Time, I started watching around 6:30, and I have yet to think any of this is a very good idea.

At what point did the Olympic Opening Ceremonies become...

Oh, @#$%. It's Yoko Ono. Seriously. That woman makes me want to turn against peace. In fact, Yoko One makes me want to throw bricks at all shortish widows of former Beatles. She really knows how to milk John's legacy, doesn't she?

Okay, back to my point (I'm ignoring Peter Gabriel and his floating piano stand). When did the Olympic Ceremonies become a jumbo discount Cirque du Soleil? If you went from the bizarro ceremonies at the Olympics, you'd think that all people cared about in the host country was ancient history, ugly clothes and modern dance. Where the @#$% do they find all the acrobats, dippy dancers and silly costumers for these things? I'm sure most of Italy is watching this and is collectively slapping their forehead.

My theory: The wealthy backers of the Olympics bring the Olympics to town for the sole purpose of employing their underachieving children who got a useless degree and are now living in the basement waiting for their "big break".

I guess people pay to see stuff like this all the time. After all, people pay to see Cirque and all that stuff. There's something to watching people dressed in tights zip about that really appeals to upper middle class folks in search of culture.

Oh, here comes the torch. Flame on!

Passing thought: Why do the Americans use a Canadian company to make their winter gear for the ceremonies? Those outfits are dumb.

This torch thing is taking a while. Did you see Sophia Loren? She looks like she's slowly turning into gold. Why was Susan Sarandon there? I like Susan Sarandon, but, what was that..?

Whoa. the Olympic Flame looks like it should have Sauron's eye looking out of it. It's creepy.

Ah, well. No Katie Couric to ruin it all for me like she did the Summer Olympics. And every other thing she's ever managed to worm her way into. Just Costas and Brian Williams giving us the play-by-play of which country hates which other country as they entered the arena. Never thought you'd those Danish athletes looking over their shoulder, did you?

Well, now I have to sit through a lot of figure skating. The hardest part about that is not making comments upon what a fine figure some of the lady skaters make.

Oh, f'ing sweet. It's f'ing Pavarotti. Whoa. Dude, I can tell you're using "Just for Men". Wow, he's good. This is the first thing that's impressed me yet.

I guess I'll watch the luge. I like anything involving hurtling down a hill at very dangerous speeds with a high chance of a bone shattering wipe-out.

Pavarotti is wearing an f'ing cape. He's a total ruler. Man, that guy rocks the house.

That torch is totally freaking me out. Who was that? She was cute. I'm going to find out she's 15 and get in trouble.

Fireworks! SHAZAM!

Wow, that's way better than the fireworks in Chandler.

Young prosecutors, real consequences, only one thing counts... CONVICTION.

You know, when Steanso was a young defense attorney, I seem to recall him saying that was exactly the problem. Oh, well. He totally sold out and works for the system now. Way to become a tool of The Man.

Who the hell is Mary Carillo? She has a nice, tenor voice.

Anyway, I don't use the word "fruity" lightly, because I usually don't like the connotation. But, Leaguers, these Olympic openings seem to get fruitier and fruitier. Just watching the montage here at the end is making me realize that I will never get back the last four hours of my life. I am hard pressed to believe that if the show that I just watched wasn't tied to the Olympics that a single person would have watched it from beginning to end.

I also am totally baffled by the Bode Miller deal. He just doesn't interview well. What's the story here? He's a 20-something that drinks on the weekend? Stop the @#$%ing presses! Why are people turning on this guy? He's the first person I've liked in the olympics who wasn't a Russian female figure skater. He also keeps telling the press he doesn't care for them. Well, they LOVE that, Bode. Ah, well. I still have no idea what his sport is.

Ah, well. I just want to give a final salute to the guys who intentionally set their heads on fire and skated around the arena. That's dedication, Leaguers.

And an extra shout out to the poor balding bastard who got thrown off the Skeleton Crew for using Propecia. That poor guy just wanted to reduce the shine for a while longer... The anti-doping agency is dumb.

Oh my GOD, my local network sent their dumbest Scottsdale bimbo to the Olympics for local coverage. Ughhh... I can take no more.

Seacrest out.

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