League of Melbotis

A LOT OF JOBLESS NONSENSE

-Leaguers, I often remind you to take my opinion of your favorite programs with a grain of salt. I am but a deeply opinionated and intellectually bankrupt blogger trying to find television programming which appeals to my own particular brand of amusement. Keep in mind, I still giggle and clap when someone turns the key for me on one of those wind-up cymbal monkeys.

With that warning, I've been watching a lot of Sci-Fi Channel's original series "Ghost Hunters".

It's October, our spookiest month, and I feel I can ponder the supernatural a bit. "Ghost Hunters" is all about attempting to debunk ghostly evidence while simultaneously creeping you out. Honestly, The League is not one to believe much in ghosts, flying saucers, the Loch Ness Monster or most traffic laws. I confess that I do believe in El Chupacabra. Too much damn evidence.

If you have basic cable and a free Saturday afternoon, you really can't miss all the programs which bring us re-enactments of mysterious visitations, hauntings and horror. You may have seen one of the programs such as "Most Haunted", "Secrets of Area 51", "World's Scariest Places" or "Bigfootville". Basic cable has a made a mint out of promising to present compelling evidence of the mysteries of our childhood, but the programs never really deliver. After all, it seems unlikely at best that if someone WERE to capture video footage of The Yeti of Norman, Oklahoma, the first place you might stumble across it would be on a Saturday afternoon rerun of a two-year-old one hour basic cable show.

But, what the heck... I like "Ghost Hunters." Mostly, I like the fact that two blue collar dudes have parlayed their otherwise cynical nature and problem solving skills into a successful Ghost Hunting business (whose services may be, I think, available pro bono). Each weekend these gentlemen jump in the car with some friends and go videotape old, creepy houses. But I DO think they try to be skeptical, and I do believe them when they see something they can't explain (I've seen things I can't explain, such as Jamie's ability to put away a 1 lb. bag of Skittles).

As you may know, The League is currently jobless, and we think Ghost Hunting may be the next exciting career opportunity we should explore. Jamie has already declined to join me in my investigations, stating, "You know, I don't believe in ghosts, but there's no way in hell I'm sitting in a dark house all night waiting to see if something jumps out at me." So, looks like I'd be flying solo if I were to pursue this to its logical conclusion. That's where Mel comes in. Mel with a flashlight strapped to his head.

-Today I assembled my new front porch decoration. I have named it: Jim Deadman.

Jim Deadman is my latest version of The Great Pumpkin. I took one of the artificial Jack O' Lanterns from Target, drilled a hole in the head, put an eyelet in the porch roof and attached string. I attached two "skeleton hand" gloves to a beige bed sheet and then suspended those from some eyelets. All of this creates a nice "ghostly" motion for Jim Deadman and allows Jim to sway in the breeze. Unfortunately, I was trying to be careful and removed the bulb from Jim's artificial head, and in the process of replacing the bulb, I dropped it. So. I need to go buy Jim's head a new bulb.

Home-made decoration construction tip #1: Zip ties. Everything can be solved with zip ties.

-I decided to go out and hang Jim Deadman today as the weather finally broke. It's cool outside. It feels like Fall. I am inclined to put on jeans tomorrow. And maybe take a shower if Jamie is lucky. I have not lived somewhere that has Fall in a few years. I plan to enjoy it.

It was so nice out, in fact, that Jamie and I sat on our upstairs patio and ate dinner. I tell you, Leaguers, you cannot go wrong with an upstairs patio. Add an upstairs patio to your home today.

-I spoke with an old pal from years gone by. Some of you WW Warriors may remember Shauna C. from the checkout line at K-Mart circa 1991. I remember Shauna as a mean dancer and the person who pointed out that a McDonald's cone is less than a dollar (circa 1994). Anyhoo, Shauna has landed on her feet in sunny LA and is doing quite well for herself as a bit of a writer.

You know, normally The League loathes hearing success stories about people with whom he once shared a cafeteria. After all, The League is currently unemployed and hasn't bothered to shave in a week (we've decided that The League's outward appearance must match the grimness of his career prospects). So it's nice to hear a success story about someone to whom you don't want to immediately respond "That @$$hole? His own plane?"

Those sorts of conversations inevitably end with the League standing on a cliff overlooking the pounding surf, staring into an empty bottle of wood grain alcohol while contemplating the injustices of being born into this meaningless existence.

Then you hear one of the good ones did well for themself and it's punch and pie all over again. Good for Shauna C. Hopefully she'll be willing to spend her hard-earned monies funding my ghost investigations.

-This evening I cracked open my first Halloween movie, finally attached the DVD player to the TV and enjoyed. In a fit of Elvira love, spawned by my post from earlier this week, I watched my recently purchased copy of "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark". It was nostalgia and my memory of Elvira's final dance number that got me through the movie. In some ways, the movie was a lot funnier now than when I was 13 and watching it for the first time, but in many ways... well, if you want to borrow it, you know who you can call.

-Also, I watched an Elvira hosted original version of "Little Shop of Horrors". I've been a fan of the film musical starring Ellen Greene, Rick Moranis and Steve Martin since the mid-80's (Ellen Greene as Audrey probably deserves her very own DITMTLOD). However, this was the black and white original, which I'd never seen.

Film legend has it that the entire movie was filmed in two days for a few thousand dollars, but is probably just as famous for including a very young Jack Nicholson in one of his first roles (he plays the masochist part you may recal Bill Murray took on in the musical). It's worth noting that the movie is actually pretty funny in parts, and certainly never seems concerned with being taken seriously. I'm not sure if the characters were each given business and a base personality by Roger Corman (the film's director and producer), or what happened, but in a lot of ways, the film almost reads like the actors were entertaining themselves as much as trying to get the film made.

Occasionally, Elvira pops up in the movie (it's a menu selection before you start the movie), and while her comments are welcome, the technology isn't as seamless as it should be to make this work.

-You may note a lack of Halloween Contest this year. Sorry about that. I'm a little pre-occupied. Maybe next year.

-Hope all Leaguers are doing well.