Thursday, February 01, 2007

The League tells you about love

Hello Leaguers. It's that magical time of year once again when young love blossoms, roses are in bloom, cherubs fill the air and everyone is but one magical evening away from romance.

I've been married for some time, and as such, I think I have a pretty good idea regarding how love works. So, here's some unwarranted advice I have for all the single-folk out there when it comes to how you can make Valentine's Day better:

Stow it.


Every year the blogosphere and work-time lunch conversations are filled with the nattering of the dateless and unmarried making as if their Totino's-For-One Valentine's Day should somehow be equated with the plight of an oppressed peoples. There's invariably a lot of talk about how the valentine cards and expensive dinners are but reminders of how others are blissfully in love, while the single-folk dwell in loveless solitude.

Look, I am very sorry you miss out on this holiday. I imagine it must be horrible, all the not spending money on gifts that will never see the light of day again, or waiting in line for two hours at some mediocre Italian place. Or the watching of whatever you want to watch on TV. The lack of "constructive" criticism from a mate, and all the nobody telling you that you don't look awesome in your homemade Hawkman outfit.

If you really want a Valentine's Day that's not going to make you feel all squooshy inside, then, for God's sake, cowboy up and ask someone out. Quit your crying and find some movie times and ask someone out. But do it well before Valentine's Day as that holiday is NOT a good day for a first date.

Keep in mind: The worst they can do is say no.

Well, the worst they can do is say "maybe", then string you along for a while so they have a chance to tell all their friends what a pathetic loser you are so all their friends can watch as you fumble along behind them, believing they might like you when, really, they think you're a worm. But if you picked a girl who was going to do that, your date selection needs some work.

this sort of flower is about to get stupidly expensive

Bear in mind, nobody ever had a great Valentine's Day by deciding nobody was going to go out with them. And crying about it doesn't exactly make anyone feel particularly sorry for you. Certainly not me.

I've been married seven years, and been associated with Jamie for more than eleven years. The truth is: Valentine's Day is for High Schoolers. It's a time to give Peggy Sue a teddy bear she can keep on her pink bedspread (until she dumps you two weeks into Freshman year of college), and to play grown-up when you wear your church pants and go all by yourself to the Olive Garden.

My hard-gained wisdom tells me that most folks on the other side of your Hallmark-laden nightmare do not care too much about Valentine's Day. I think we usually exchange store-bought cards on Valentine's Day, watch a re-run of "Scrubs" and then go get a Gyro or something some other day.

And here's the real deal for why I'm never too psyched about Valentine's Day: For dudes, Valentine's Day is a one-way gift street. This evening I saw a Zales commercial wherein a gentleman was examining a $500 trinket he'd purchased for his lady-love and smiling coyly to himself. Here's my issue: I am betting the lady-love did NOT spend $500 getting him a PS3 or new rims for his El Camino. One way gift street.

Many will object at this point and wish to sheepishly point out that supposedly there's snugglebunnies involved. Look, Leaguers... there's a name for that kind of transaction. I don't care what day it is.

When I was but a lad and working one of my three amazing summers at The Disney Store Willowbrook Mall, a family would come into the shop on a regular basis. Dad was a bald, chubby dude with a nicely trimmed mustache, and he'd be walking behind three kids, lined up like ducklings. At the front of the line was Mom. Mom was obviously born with some severe birth defects as her legs and arms had not fully developed, and, thusly, she was confined to a motorized wheel-chair.

Upon seeing the family, I remember thinking: That lady probably grew up thinking she may never meet someone who would see her for who she was. She may have cried herself to sleep after her own mother, hoping to be helpful, told her that nobody would ever want to really get to know her. You know, like in a Sir-Mix-A-Lot-XXX-Throwdown sense. But, somehow, these two crazy kids had found each other and raised a brood of miserable little hellspawn who would knock all the merchandise off the shelves.

The point is: Sure, you probably know it's a lot of self-loathing on Valentine's Day which has kept you from getting around to asking out that lady at the coffee shop or that guy who puts luggage in the bottom of the plane. But nobody is going to do that for you. Except for me. If you ask, I'm happy to do it. Or even if you don't. Really, it's best I never know if you're interested in someone as I'll just make you miserable until you get a date or they shoot you down. That's just how I roll.

But as we enter February, and I see the cards at Target and I reflect upon this completely made up day of romance... it's mostly the energy spent on the lonely-guy/gal nattering that drives The League insane. Nobody is persecuting you. Nobody but geeky teenagers is really enjoying Valentine's Day. Many of us are dreading spending this much money when we just paid off the Visa from Christmas. And nobody is stopping you from asking anyone out. Cowboy up.

And if they do turn you down, have a choice B and choice C lined up.


Anonymous said...

Just what we need: dating advice from someone who hasn't had to worry about dating since 1996.

The League said...

See, you're already complaining. Shhhhhhh.....

Anonymous said...


The League said...


RHPT said...

I think the fact that The League has been off the market since 1995 gives weight to his advice. The League would still be single if he did not have the nerve to court McSteans.

You know, that would make a great Elseworld/What-If storyline: "What If The League Never Met McSteans"

T.S.T. said...

Here, here, League. Everyone stop their whinging and exercise a little self-determination! Or just blow the day off entirely . . . which is usually my choice, coupled or not.

Anonymous said...

One-way gift street? Don't forget the origin of your fancy Superman seat covers, buddy.

Most. Romantic. Gift. Ever.

J.S. said...

Oh, you've taught us so much about romance, League.
Of course, mostly in the Sir-Mix-A-Lot-XXX-Throwdown sense....

Anonymous said...

And if you can't muster up a date, you can join batman and countless other comments I've made at The League by joining!

The League said...

Oh, Steanso. You doth protest too much. Perhaps it is YOU who needs my assistance most of all.

J.S. said...

I DO need your assistance!!! Your dogs keep leaving little "love bombs" scattered about my property, and someone needs to pick them up....

Anonymous said...

The first comment was mine and I forgot to sign it. Alas.


First, the fact that the League has not been dating since 1995 does not in and of itself suggest any wisdom. Perhaps he blundered his way into a great and noble thing. Perhaps McSteans is the true romantic genius and wields the League's puppet strings. Who knows?

But, I can say one thing: The League was not 30 in 1995. And dating at 30 is a lot different than dating in college. Sigh.


The League said...

I think dwelling upon my admittedly dubious credentials to dispense romantic advice is missing the forest for the trees. My point is that the Holiday ain't that great. And nobody is rubbing it in your face. So stop complaining about it.