Coke Blak Taste Test Update!

Yes, Nathan, we DID try adding ice cream to Coke Blak at the League HQ Kitchen Laboratory. We bought a pint of vanilla, put on our goggles and safety equipment and went to work.

At first I thought this was going to be a roaring success, but the taste of the Coke Blak largely overwhelmed the ice cream addition. That said, you can never really go wrong with a scoop of vanilla. Like most floats, the ice cream melted rapidly and the concotion became a sort of frothy, extremely sweet mess. But I do think Coke Blak has found a home as a dessert as I think I'd be more likely to have Coke Blak again as a float than just popping open a bottle and pouring it over ice.

That said, the 4th bottle of Coke Blak remains untouched atop the fridge.

I guess this means The League has opened itself up to possible suggestions for Taste Tests. Please bear in mind, The League is not the weird kid on the playground who will eat pill-bugs for a nickel. If you have a new product you're curious about, consider The League to be a bit like Consumer Reports, but for questionable foods.

The League Taste Tests Coca-Cola Blak
(imagine a little dash over the "a" in Blak)
aka: My Coke has an Identity Crisis

Coca-Cola Corp decided some time ago to start playing mad scientist in their R&D division. From this infusion of R&D dinero we've had some interesting concoctions.

Coke with lemon pledge.
Coke with Lime.
Coke Zero.
Booze ready vanilla coke.

I heard Tina Fey say something about Coke with coffee in it on Saturday Night Live. The League loves him some Coke, but we REALLY loves us some coffee. Parched and tired from my journey to AZRD on Saturday night, I was looking for something refreshing yet full of amphetamines to really get me going.

And, By GOD, they had new Coke BlaK (imagine a little line over the "a" in Blak).

What does The Coca-Cola company have to say for their new product? Well, check it out (and dig the loungy music).

Jamie was skeptical, especially given the debacle which was the Jones Soda Holiday Feast, but, folks, we at League HQ must continue to find ways to assist you, the consumer.

I was a bit a'feared, not having Steanso to back me up, so I invited JLA'er and recent widower Ralph (Elongated Man) Dibny to assist me in trying out the new beverage. And, as always, Jeff the Cat.


Jeff wisely tries to separate himself from the fun


What of the bouquet?


Apparently I have cat hair all over my shirt, plus some sort of stain I hadn't noticed. I should have worn my white lab coat.

It smells like Coke with coffee in it. Or possibly coffee with Coke in it. Sweet, but bitter. Like when a rabbit goes evil

For some cockamamie reason Jamie believes ice will somehow dilute the test. Well, being a man of science, The League decides to try both ways.


fizzy, but not threateningly fizzy


I decide it looks okay and smells weird. Like there's coffee in my Coke.


bottoms up! The first taste is always the hardest.


Longing for yesteryear...

Huh. The first sip is seriously weird. Lots of carbonation and a very sweet coffee flavor, like cold coffee with too much sugar in it. Not necessarily a bad thing. When I was five I used to sneak drinks of my mom's coffee when she wasn't looking. It tastes like that. At first.


Wha-huh..?

Wait. What the hell is that? Now it tastes like Coke. Sort of. I think I can still taste coffee, but I'm not sure. How can a liquid have more than one flavor? Clearly the makers of this drink are up to some serious mad science. I have no idea what I'm drinking.

I consult with Elongated Man, and he suggests I try some crushed ice before I make a verdict.


Not just embued with stretchy powers, Ralph is also a top notch detective.

At this point I'm not really clear on whether I should be drinking this stuff for breakfast, with a burger, smoking a cigarette to be hip (although I'm thinking a Kool is the sort of cigarette this soda deserves), or if it should be 4:00 AM, I'm delirious and no longer care what I drink. But a little ice can't hurt.


Chilly...


huh.


Is it Coke in my coffee?


Or Coffee in my Coke?

Either way, it's... I dunno.


The League, delighted to try out a soda and not wanting to barf. Sometimes it's the little things, Leaguers.

I can't figure out who thought this would be a big seller. It's coffee and Coke. If you're a fan of sweetened cold folgers and you love Coke, man, I may have a product for you. Otherwise, really, I can't imagine ever buying this stuff again. I'll probably finish the 4-pack it came in, but I expect this stuff will disappear faster than Crystal Pepsi.

The League (with Special Guest: Steanso) Taste Tests the Jones Soda Holiday Collection

The League is usually full of bad ideas, and, upon occasion, bad ideas that affect other people. Part of the new and improved Steans/ McBride gift exchange is the placement of "Santor" gifts under the tree.

This year, in addition to an unopened Richard Marx album which had been following The League around since 1996, Santor also gifted the visiting Steanso with the Jones Soda Holiday Collection. Apparently we got the National release vs. the regional release. In either case, I am fairly certain the results would have been similar.


Jeff the Cat takes a look at the collection.


Steanso carefully considers the journey upon which we are about to embark.



The collection includes five Holiday Dinner flavors, a spork and a moist towlette.
We took a wee wiff of each flavor before beginning the taste test.



Brussel Sprouts.


Turkey & Gravy


Wild Herb Stuffing


Pumpkin Pie


Cranberry. Which we spilled all over the counter and floor. It's okay. It's a taste test, not a "let's drink the whole bottle test." We used to have those, but it didn't involve soda. We called that "college."


Allrighty. Each of the Bros. Steans got a tiny, holiday and/ or animal themed cup with a tatse of the soda, plus some ice to keep it chilly.


The League hates Brussel Sprouts more than we hate Candian Baby-Eaters, but we also brought this upon ourselves, so it's up to us to go forward and take the first drink. At this point, the smell was already getting to me, and I wanted to call an abort on the whole plan. Unfortunately, the Bros. Steans are really good at egging each other on into unknown and foolish territory.

We had picked Brussel Sprouts first, knowing it had, by far, the foulest smell, and we might as well get it out of the way.



If evil has a taste, it's Brussel Sprout soda. Mother of Christ. Every animal instinct in my body kicked in, fight or flight alarms going off in my head. I almost vomited, even with just the tiniest taste of Brussel Sprout Soda in my mouth.

Luckily, Jamie was on hand with a canister of Tic-tacs.

At this point I beg for an abort and to discontinue the process, but Steanso is having none of it.


Steanso takes a sip. Unfortunately, the reaction shot here isn't really captured. I believe his exact words were "Jesus Christ (Bleep)".


He also had a Tic-Tac.



Steanso was up at bat and went for the Turkey and Gravy Soda.


Don't be fooled. It's not a smile. That's the same look Steanso gets when he's about to stand up and punch you in the mouth. You can't punch Turkey & Gravy Soda in the mouth. Notice, he's sweating. His fight or flight instincts have also kicked in.


The League also finds Turkey & Gravy soda unpleasant, but after Brussel Sprout soda, T&G tastes like a fine wine. It really has little taste at all, for which, in this case, we're eternally grateful.


Next up, Wild Herb Stuffing. We LOVE herb stuffing. Just not so much in soda form. It doesn't really smell like much of anything, but the color is that of a day-old colostomy bag. Nothing good can come of this. But, when we're done, we have only two more sodas left, and they're desert sodas. So, bottoms up.


Ughhhh... not good. And now my stomach is hurting from tasting bad things. We don't want to ever eat anything ever again.


Pumpkin Pie! Mmm-mmm! Steanso takes a sip, hoping for the smooth flavor of Mom's pumpkin pie. He is non-plussed and a bit repulsed.


The League almost throws up again. Pumpkin-pie is delicious. I have no idea what those bastards at Jones Soda were up to, but this ain't pumpkin. I spit and spit, feeling my stomach trying to squeeze out the poison which isn't even there.

This one was a surprise. I had expected it to be sort of okay, but instead it was like getting kicked in the crotch by your favorite aunt.


Last soda! Cranberry! Or, more accurate, gelatin cranberry sauce artificial flavoring! Steanso gives the "sign of the devil" as he prepares to take his final sip.


Delicious? Well, it didn't cause wretching.


It smells like cranberry juice cocktail, which The League likes a lot.


It doesn't not taste like cranberries, but our stomach is full of glass shards, our mouth is going numb and, if we were alone right now, we'd probably sit in the corner, rocking and crying ourself to sleep.


All in all, a Christmas Day miracle.

What you can't tell here is that I'm angry. I'm not really sure why, but it's that same sort of angry you get when you've just been through something pretty awful, like almost getting hit by a car, and you're just pissed. That's how I felt pretty much until I went to bed.

A novelty soda is a novelty soda, and The League had to learn this the hard way. Steanso deserves a gold star for putting up with this taste test, let alone partaking.



****UPDATE****

After reviewing the Taste Test post, Jamie asked if I would do this over again knowing what I know now.

I want to say "Of course!", but I'm gonna be honest with you... I wouldn't voluntarily drink any of these things again. Did I learn anything? No. My sense of smell forewarned me, my sense of taste confirmed it. My lizard brain knew enough not to drink this piss, and I went ahead and did it anyway. Sometimes you should really go with your gut.

Hey, what could trump the great Pepsi Holiday Spice Challenge, or the CHicken Fries Extreme Taste Test?

Oh, boy... 'Twas Randy who located the proper taste test to end all taste tests.

Folks, check out "Steve, Don't Eat It!" from weblog, "The Sneeze".

To try to recount Steve's trials and tribulations here would only be a disservice.

Go here to see what Steve is willing to eat.

The League Presents:
The League taste-tests the new BK Chicken Fries

Chickens. Small barnyard birds we like to consume by the bucketfull.

We grill them, we broil them, we fry them up. McDonalds took the lead in chicken reprocessing with the introduction of the chicken nugget way back in the day. Other fast food chains have tried to keep up, all with middling success.

But Burger King has taken it up a notch. Enjoy french fries? Enjoy chicken? Why not enjoy both in one greasy little package?

Perhaps you've seen the BK adds with the chicken-themed metal band, KoqRoq? Well, I'm a bitch for good advertising, and so off to the BK voyaged The League.

Oh, a forwarning. I do not have mouth herpies. I had a weird zit near my lip today and it shows a lot more in these photos than in natural light.


Here is our meal. You can see 2 drinks, 2 sets of regular french fries, 2 burgers and 1 box of BK Chicken Fries. We're anticipating not liking the chiken fries, but we don't think that means we should go hungry.


Here is a box of chicken fries. On the off-chance they're really, really good, we spent a few extra cents and got 9 fries instead of 6.


Not a good sign. You can pretty clearly see the grease lining the box. The fries are smaller than I expected.


In the spirit of the Pepsi Holiday challenge, we tried to pose Jeff near the chicken fries. Jeff refused to recognize the fries as food. True, he doesn't care much for people food as a rule, but when it's deep fried beyond recognition, Jeff would rather play with the straws on the cups.


Jamie steps up to the plate to model the fries and give you a size comparison.


One must always first smell the new food item to get the taste buds ready for that which you are about to consume. The box does little to mask the odor which has been tailing us since we grabbed the bag at the drive-thru.


Free of the box, the fries' pungent smell assaults the senses. Not as bad as I'd assumed.


Taste.
The chicken fries aren't as bad as I'd assumed at first. It's an odd blend of fast-food chicken, french fries and grease. It's tempting to add salt, but I'd be afraid that the chicken fries would dissolve like slugs.


The texture is sort of mushy. Not melt in your mouth mushy like french fries. You certainly do need to chew. Ah, delicious.


The sauce. The name of the sauce is "Buffalo Sauce". Jeff, once again, is completely uninterested.


The color is frightening, as if plucked right from the palettes of hell. The smell isn't anything to get excited about, either.


The smell is really getting to me. Every fiber of my being tells me not to taste this sauce.


My fiber is right. The sauce is inedible. There's some vague sense that it was supposed to be wing sauce, and one is left wondering "why"? The fries have not the taste, texture or feeling of wings, and there's no beer in sight. The buffalo sauce is a false promise made all the more foul by tasting like special sauce with sick in it.


And so endeth my experience with the sauce.


Once again, Jamie steps up to the plate.


Jamie has a very, very different reaction to the fries.


Jamie chooses a different lunch.


Bwah ha ha. the fries are mine and mine alone.


Full disclosure, with a whooper w/ cheese and chicken fries both available, I opted for the whopper. I would think that would tell you something. Also, the fries found their way into the trashcan right behind the sauce. Once the fries cooled down, they just weren't as palatable.

The League votes the chicken fries experience a 3 or 4 out of a 10 on the fast food scale. Oh, and a complete abomination to all of chicken kind.