Today marks the 100th anniversary of flight.



also check this out

Sa-weeeeet.

But it's items like this which make me wonder what the alien archeologists will think when piecing through our trash heaps in 80 billion years...

The Dark Knight returns as a Dark Knight Returns action figure...

Tomorrow marks the final day to enter the Holiday Media Contest. Now, folks... I'm a little down about this. I have had only TWO entries. TWO!!! I am beginning to lose faith in Christmas, and I'm beginning to think 90% of my hits are, in fact, coming in from folks looking for pictures of Ann Coulter naked.


even a dark avenger of the night can take a few minutes out to enjoy Christmas. So what makes you so busy you can't enter the contest?

So if you want to help restore my faith in this little enterprise we call The Birth of Our Lord and Savior, then I ask that you, the Legion Members of the League, take a few minutes out and send in a submission. Rules for the Contest can be found here.

And there will, in fact, be prizes! Last time the winner got candy and a DVD I had laying around the house. So who knows what you could win? I have all KINDS of things laying around the house.

How I remained unaware of this previously, I do not know.

Hobbits + Nimoy = Pure Magic

Good story here on organ donation.

Kids, if you want me to get on my soapbox, this is the topic. Sign up and be ready to give up your eye-balls when you're called to merge with the infinite. Make sure you let your loved ones know you'd like your parts re-used, because unless they agree to it, they're going to throw all those useful parts into an incinerator.

There would be no Mrs. Steans if not for organ donation, so I'm kind of a fan of the whole idea.

Sign up.
Tell your family.
Try to keep your parts in working order.

It's going to be a Batty Christmas

So my Mom is nice to a fault. I mean, really. She has no system by which she decides people must be jerks, so she pretty much is friendly with everyone. Where most people have a filter which says "okay, that guy is weilding a meat cleaver and has a human head in his hand," my mom would tell him what a nice, clean cut he made taking the head off. It's only later that she will tell you that maybe that person is a little creepy.

Which makes things interesting at Christmas. Because The Kare-Bear pretty much invites anybody looking wild-eyed and dangerous into our household for Christmas dinner. Hence, the Steans family Christmas dinner, for the past several years, has had somebody who is pretty much a stranger at the table. I've learned not to question it too much, to mostly just grit my teeth and get past the whole thing by lubing up the brain with plenty of "Box O' Wine".

This year an entire family I am pretty much utterly unfamiliar with is going to be there for Christmas Dinner. Which is fine. We will have "Box O' Wine" on hand, and I will just keep it flowing until it's dried up and these people seem completely reasonable.

I'm not terribly shy. I do fine at work, and I do fine at the doctor and in meeting people... but I basically realized in my third year of college that I have absolutely nothing to say to most people unless I am given a topic. Work is great. The weather and sports are great. I shake my head a lot, laugh when there's an appropriate place to do so, and try not to freak out the squares. But new people in the house make me insanely uncomfortable. I feel like jumping out of my skin and hiding in the bathroom until the danger has passed.

The fact is, I moved out of my parents' house ten years ago, and as much as I'd like to feel like their house is my house, it isn't. It's their house to fill with their friends as they see fit. Which puts me in a curious position, because like most people who have parents, I am still thought of as "the kid" the second I step through their door. I'm not really a guest (I know where to find spare rolls of toilet paper), but it's also not my territory to protect. This standing means I should show some filial piety and shut the hell up about my discomfort surrounding whichever whackos are going to be telling me weird (and often racist) jokes over a plate of cranberry sauce.

My Mom tells me she likes a house full of people, and I assume she means "give me grandkids, you loser." But I have no plans, and I think kids smell like old syrup, so I'm in no rush. So until, I guess, my brother figures out a way to find somebody willing to have children with him, we are doomed to an endless cycle of folks willing to take advantage of my mom's hospitality.

***UPDATE****

boy, in rereading this, sounds like I have a nasty case of social anxiety disorder. Thank God for sweet, sweet liquor.

Happy V-Saddam Day, America!

Turn on your speakers and prepare for the abso-ludicrous.

Thanks to Jim D. for this one.

Here's an article on Alex Ross, comic artist and unwitting provider of art to this site. Alex's work is covered in the new book, Mythology, which, yes, i already have. Read a review of Mythology here.

View Alex's Superman to your left.
<----------------------------------------

Alex's vision of the Justice League is seen directly above.

Jamie is curiously interested in the original run of Battlestar Galactica.

Last night we finished watching the two hour pilot (which I am a bit sad not to have enjoyed more than I did), and Jamie said, "well, what happens next?"
"They kind of fly through space."
"Okay."
"On adventures."
"So do you want to watch another one?"
"We have six two-sided discs of this stuff to get through."
"And then they find earth?"
"No."
"No?!!!"
"No. We'd have to find the TV movie they made called Battlestar Galactica 1984 or something."
"What?"
"Show got cancelled. So they never made it to earth."
Which I think Jamie found profoundly disturbing. TV viewers didn't care enough about whether or not the voyagers of Battlestar Galactica made it to earth, and so, in a way, the characters were left to kind of float around in space.
"But they made it there in the TV movie," I assured her. "But I don't think it's out on DVD yet."
"So what the hell do they do in between?"
"Have adventures," I concluded. "And stuff."
You never really know what the hell is going to turn Jamie's crank, which makes it difficult to anticpate what she's going to like or dislike. She'll watch Battlestar Galactica reruns on DVD, and then turn around and watch The OC, and follow it up with an half hour of Headline News. Either wide interests or a complete lack of any interests, I guess.

On a completely unrelated topic, Jim, who has been SERIOUSLY busy blogging of late, took some time out to point to The League and post an entry to our little Holiday Contest, for which I am eternally grateful. While you're there, check out his comments on recent Supreme Court Decisions and other legal brou-ha-ha.

Hey,

DEADLINE FOR THE HOLIDAY MEDIA EXTRAVAGANZA IS DECEMBER 17TH!!!!! GET YOUR ENTIRES IN ASAP!!!!

rules can be found by clicking on the link on the left
<---------------------------------------------------------------

Send entries to Melbotis's e-mail!

Happy Holidays, Leaguers.

oh... Holy Cow....

I did have something to say today, and I was being crabby, so I forgot.

Congratulations to Randy of RHPT.com! He got engaged to his longtime love, Emily, while in Vegas. The League has been aware of RHPT.com's plans for sometime, but decided this was not the place to break the news.

So, way to go, RHPT.com! I am sure it will be a Super Wedding.

I have nothing to say today. I need more coffee and to watch less TV.

Shall I risk alienating my mother forever by getting her the life size bust/ replica of Dr. Doom's head for Christmas?



Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

Being in the spy business is tough, according to the movies. I mean, you get to be dead sexy, wear cool clothes, get trained in sci-fi style martial arts and go to cold looking places in Europe a lot and an occasional Troipcal paradise (although that paradise will always be run by someone nefarious).

The problem with being a spy, I have learned, is that when things go bad, instead of just KILLING you the way they should, the Company tends to block your memory and release you into the wild.

From what I can tell, the latest Affleck movie entitled "Paycheck" is one of this particular slice of the "amnesia" spy genre. I am certain the trend has been going on for 50 years, but I'm a little slow on the uptake and just noticed. More amazing is that somehow the fact that Matt Damon was in "The Bourne Identity" just last year somehow escaped Affleck. Since we're led to believe Matt and Ben are such good chums, one would assume that Ben might have noticed his buddy just made this same movie. Especially since, according to IMDB, there's a sequel to "The Bourne Identity" in the works. Not so! Instead, our Christmas present from Affleck is the same dopey sweater we got last year.

As far as I can tell, "The Long Kiss Goodnight" may have helped spark this trend, but I am probably wrong. After all, there are a lot of shades of this sort of idea in "Total Recall."
So, if anyone else can think of any movies in which someone must tediously figure out who they are or what has been happening to them for the past few years, please send me an e-mail. I will compile all answers and report out. TV shows, books, magazines, Christmas Pageants and all other forms of media are also acceptable for this report on amnesiac spies.

this is the sort of thing that is going to get me canned....

It's time to mark One's Calendar, as SuperheroHype! Reports.

December 15th marks the 25th anniversary of the theatrical release of the Richard Donner directed Superman film starring Gene Hackman and Christopher Reeve.

I can honestly say that two of my three earliest memories deal with seeing movies. The first memory is of seeing Star Wars and being totally terrified of the Tusken Raiders (a fear that Shmi Skywalker should have shared...). The second was of seeing Superman in the theater with The Old Man. I got a gumball machine for free for some reason at the theater and I remember being terrified when Lois Lane dropped in the big hole. The third memory is falling down a stairwell at the apartments we lived in but not telling anybody because I thought I'd get in trouble.

At any rate, Superman holds up pretty well even in the uber-ridiculous movie-going era we now live in. Krypton still holds no small amount of wonder in my mind, just as Glenn Ford's portrayal of Jonathan Kent is absolutely perfect.

And if you want to know why I love Superman. I mean, really, really love Superman... It's not just the exchange between Superman and the pimp when Superman first emerges, nor is it the look of wonder the crowd has as Superman flies into the air... nah, it's not that. Watch the entire helicopter rescue sequence, including the conversation between Lois and Superman after he's saved the day. Right after Superman is done talking to Lois, he kind of looks away, and he has this look on his face letting you know how great saving the day really is. That's what I love about Superman.

So go out there and find a copy of this movie. I can't recommend the DVD with all the extras nearly enough. It's all cleaned up and pretty, and they added in a few more extra shots to let you know how cool Superman can be as he's coming to take out Luthor. THe bonus materials will rock your socks off.



Oh boy, Jamie is never going to let me watch this movie again...

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope you and the reindeer and doing well. As Christmas is coming so quickly, I hope that you, the elves and Mrs. Claus are still taking time out to enjoy the Christmas Season for yourselves. It seems to me awfully sad that you cannot ever enjoy this time of year for yourselves, but I suppose it's better than having Mrs. Claus's parents and siblings hanging out and ruining a nice, quiet Christmas.
This year I have been ever so good. I have tried to think of what I have done this year that would get me on the "naughty" list, and I'm drawing a blank. Well, I will admit to finding new and creative obscenities to use on the freeway, but I do not think anyone can ever hear me, and I find shooting the bird to really be a last resort. There was also that incident with the javelina and the staple gun, but if there are no witnesses, is it really a crime?
So, Santa, I believe this is the portion in which I make my list of what I would like for Christmas. We've dispensed with the small talk, and I've stated my case for my goodness.

This year, I would like:

1) A sweater. Every year I ask for a sweater and (I guess because I live in the south) everyone thinks I'm kidding. But this is year #4 I've asked for a sweater, so I am beginning to think the people in my family are just jerks. So a sweater would be nice. Why do I want a sweater? Santa, even chubby guys get cold. I own three sweaters and two of them are either threadbare or kind of dopey. So just a nice sweater, maybe a BLUE sweater would be nice.

2) A rocket kit. Now Santa, I know you're going to immediately remember the incident with the fire in the trashcan. Okay, BOTH of the fires in the trashcans. And maybe the richocet incident with the BB gun. And you're going to remember the thing with the circular saw (which is why we keep receipts, isn't it?). But Santa, I was watching those guys on Discovery Channel, and if they can do it, so can I. Right? Okay, maybe it'd be best if I didn't get a rocket.

3) Some hardcover Superman Archives editions from DC. Now these things are crazy expensive, but they're of really nice quality and a lot of fun to read, and we think reading is good, right? Aw, screw it. I know it's not really reading, too.

4) Superman Seatcovers. Now I remember when Jamie said "Hey, no way in hell am I sitting on those," but Santa... Jamie got over the blue and red room, and she got over the KRYPTO license plate. Surely she will adapt to these as well, right, Santa?

5) A Fokker Dr.I Dreidecker, painted red and fully armed. You know why. And hey, it will make next year easier as next year I won't bug you as surely what I have planned will keep me off the "good" list for next year...

And that's pretty much it, Santa. I know you will see it in your heart to do what's best. and by what's best, give me what I want without simultaneously providing me a method by which to severely injure myself. Same as when i was five and wanted my own lawn mower.

Merry Christmas, Santa. Rap with you next year.

Your pal,

R.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Comics Continuum says: Sources tell The Continuum that the third season of the show might be called Justice League Unlimited. The season will feature many new characters, although Martian Manhunter will remain a key character.

Among the characters apppearing next season will be Captain Atom, Red Tornado, Atom, Black Canary and Green Arrow.

Hey,


Me, Wildcat and Green Lantern are kind of wondering why nobody is sending in anything for the Holiday Heckstravaganza....


<--------------------------------------------------

Rules can be found over there under Superman.

Apparently, I am "irksome."

Leaguers, I can't say enough about R.O.T.O.R.

R.O.T.O.R. was filmed in Dallas in 1989, but you'd think it was, at the latest, 1982 from the look of the film. It's a weird and extremely poorly planned knock-off of Terminator/ RoboCop, I guess. It's hard to say what it's a knock-off of, because, really, R.O.T.O.R. is more or less a knock-off of many better knock-offs involving a dude who is supposed to be a robot. Maybe Heartbeeps? It's difficult to say.

Last night R.O.T.O.R. played on some movie channel I have simply called "Action", I believe, and while I have seen R.O.T.O.R. all the way through before, I could not stop myself from watching it yet again. Beyond any allusion to the collision of any automobile or even a freight train accident, this movie defies all expectations for utter and complete low-budget crappiness. And for some reason I simply could not shake the feeling that the producers of this movie had played just waaaaayyyy too much Dungeons and Dragons. Although the film has not a single allusion to swords and mysticism, those who have been around folks who play too much D&D will know what I mean. It's a genre I like to refer to as "White Trash Sci-Fi." Basic elements include
(1) a working knowledge of the world based upon science fiction/ fantasy novels including (but not limited to) an inflated sense of understanding of all sorts of science based upon principles learned in viewing Star Trek
(2) an emotionally crippling misunderstanding of basic male-female relationships. Usually resulting in bizarre dialogue for women and a perpensity for writer, director, producers to wear their personal fetish on their sleeve. (See Dr. Steele)
(3) a perpensity to quote from lofty sources both inappropriately and lacking any real context, but done so in order to somehow try to suggest their own work is of the same mind.

I can't do this movie any better justice here, and so I will simply provide Loyal Leaguers with some links in which they can read up on R.O.T.O.R.

An excellent synopsis and review is here.

a Yahoo! review is here.

A diatribe in which Captain Coldyron (I do not make this name up) is wrongly placed in Houston instead of Dallas (clearly shit like this happens in Dallas, but not Houston) can be found here.

UPDATE

Looking for the film's star, Richard Geisswein, actually turns up a hell of a lot of stuff about R.O.T.O.R.

Jill departed my house at 7:00am today, and I am a little sad to see her go. She's a cool chick, and with her living in Georgia, I imagine it will be quite a while until she graces my presence yet again.

I am wearing a Christmas tie today at work. It is adorned with puppies and presents, and I regard it as having no small amount of kitsch value, but I am fairly certain I am in on this joke all alone.

What shall I miss by not being in Austin during the Christmas Season?

1) Rainy, cold weather
2) Highland Mall's craptacular busy-ness
3) Garland, lights and wreaths crossing each block on Congress from South to North
4) The tree on the Capitol grounds
5) Getting boozy in the cold on Congress
6) The conical strings of lights conjoined to form a "tree" at Zilker
7) The trail of lights at Zilker
8) Hearing my brother bitch endlessly about not knowing what to buy anyone
9) The emptying of Austin as all the 20-somethings go home to their folks' places

Wanted to clear something up here.

It's League of Melbotis. Melbotis is NOT pronounced "Mel Bought Iss" or "Mel Bought Us". It is pronounced "Mel-boh-tus". The name came from Mel's original owners who thought good names for a dog could include "Melba" and "Otis" and combined them into "Melbotis".

Look, i didn't name the dog, i just feed him.

A little something from Shoemaker.

now that's a shame...

Jim's post on the many, many varieties of Texas license plates is worth taking a look at. Arizona has only a few sample choices, and all of them are pretty dumb. The standard license plate is blue, pink and purple to reflect the desert sunset. Boy, there's a color scheme which works on a lot of cars.

Jim asks that I recommend some topics for license plates. In all seriousness, I don't think the license plates memorializing 9/11 or calling for patrotism are silly, but as the ever increasing number of flags on everything (including boxes of Corn Flakes) threatens to turn our national symbol into wall-paper, I do prefer the simplicity of the "Enjoy Texas Music" license plate. There's nothing wrong with any of the license plates, and their design is generally pretty good. I guess my recommendation is to know when you've crossed the line to being untasteful. One flag license plate = ok. one flag license plate + 2 flags hanging off windows + 4 flag stickers doesn't make you more patriotic. It means you look like you just left a parade, Uncle Sam.



Do I have any additional suggestions? Not really. Barbara Jordan? LBJ? Tommy Tune? Hank Hill? Indeed, what makes a Texan great enough to earn a place on a license plate?

Hopefully it's something more than what it takes to be the model for the silver silhouette girl on truck mudflaps.

My high school chum Jill Hermann-Wilmarth, whom I have not seen in more than 5 years, is staying with us out here in the desert while she attends a conference in Scottsdale. Jill is all grown up and is teaching at Univ. of Georgia and earning her PhD in, uh... you know, she told me, but it sounded complicated. Something to do with education. Anyway, she's still an A#1 gal, and I couldn't be more pleased to have her taking up space in our guestroom.

They are showing all the Christmas specials this week. Charlie Brown Christmas was on last night, and, indeed, gave me my first real taste of Christmas Fever. THanks, Sparky.

I would take this opportunity to remind everyone to prepare your entries for the Holiday Heckstravaganza. Rules and Regulations are posted in the left-hand column below Superman.

...and just when you thought we couldn't get any stupider...

Jim noted that his site is devoid of any "Hello Kitty" or "Sanrio" characters in his note about Randy's site.

Folks, this can change. Go to Jim's site and petition him for a one day celebration of all things Sanrio.



Jim was also kind enough to e-mail me an archived e-mail he had from UT's now defunct "Roller Skate Party".

THE FOLLOWING IS A TOP SECRET MESSAGE FROM THE ROLLER RINK:
>
> editor...
>
the rollerskate party international would like to re-extend our challenge to all other candidates in the upcoming student government elections to a knock-down drag-out game of four square on the west mall next tuesday at 12:50. we made this challenge publicly today, february 19, at 1:00 p.m. on the west mall. we at the rollerskate party international all agree that far better than a snoozer of a debate, an action packed game of four square would help voters decide who truly is the candidate most deserving of their vote. if any of you aren't too yellow, show up at the west mall with nothing but your four square shoes on and get ready for the rollerskate party to represent all over your stuffed shirt asses.
>
> we are also sending a copy of this message to the daily texan to invite all students to attend, and if they so desire, to join in the four squares of fun.
>
> oh, and one more thing. to all of you "smart" candidates....
> we know you've been tearing down our propaganda, and we want you to issue a public apology or we are going to tell everyone what a bunch
of chowderheads the "smart" party really are. thats not a threat. its a promise. you have three days.
>
> thats all for now. see you suckas at the west mall....
>
> love,
>
> rollerskate crew
>

Truly, this is democracy in action....

Thanks to Jim for the shout out.

Jim's reporting on the Bombs Over Baghdad frat party fiasco at UT has led to him relating a byzantine and very UT'ish plotline.

In reading it, I wonder what became of the hilarious and oft-inebriated "Roller Skate" party from UT circa 1998. (They ran on the premise that President Faulkner was hording hundreds of thousands of roller skates in the upper floors of the UT Tower, and were demanding the release of the roller skates.) They appeared at an actual televised debate for student council completely lit, and proceeded to (unintenionally?) deconstruct the student council debate until it was drunk hipsters v. confused and angry wanna-be anchorlady v. unamused resume padders. I wish I'd taped it. Funniest thirty minutes of TV ever shown on UT's useless TV channel.

Turkey Day Weekend in Review, 2003:

The Texas Longhorns, to nobody's surprise (but that of Reed T. Shaw), were victorious over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies this year, clinching a #6 in BCS standings and coming close to securing some sort of chance for a real bowl game this year. Let's not screw it up, Longhorns.

But, of course, the Dallas Cowboys lost.

Turkey dinner went well. I managed to maintain my vegetarian diet through Thanksgiving dinner and also a wedding reception. No meat for this boy. So very dizzy...

Jamie's cousin Jeff got married to his longtime lady-friend, Shelley, sometime back in August. They got married in Hawaii, and so had a very nice official ceremony here in Phoenix where family could attend, and followed with a reception at a country club somehwere out in the mountians. I was terribly out of place among the golf-set, but I could get used to country club life. I just need to make another $300K a year and learn what the holes are for in golf courses.

In 1989 I, and a few friends, forcibly took the 14th hole at the Spicewood Golf Course in Austin. It was freezing out and we wanted to play football there, and so we bombarded the golfers with gourds we found growing on the bottom of the hill. I am sure it was the most alarming golf game ever played on that course. Long live the heroes of Gourd Hill.

Played and lost a few rounds of the surprisingly un-geeky table-top game "Settlers of Catan". I needed clay. Clay and wood. Curse you unlucky dice rolls!

Last night I met with my group from my class. We're doing a project and will be presenting a week from today. In the usual chatting that occurs off-topic, one of the girls remarked upon how she knew I was from Texas, and how her boyfriend was travelling to Waco for a month on business and started asking me some general questions about Waco, but I was honestly a little hard-pressed for answers, not having ever lived in Waco. But what alarmed me was when she told me how she knew how racist Texas was, and as a precaution, her boyfriend, who has a Spanish surname, would be travelling under a pseudonym in order to avoid any discrimination.

"That's, uh... that's completely unnecessary," I insisted.
"Well, you know, we know how it is out in Texas."
And it really, really bothered me that this is the reputation the state I consider home has somehow garnered. So danergous is the place considered to be, so racist, that people coming in from out of state believe they must travel under a false name in order to do business and avoid discrimination. But with cities like Vidor and cases like that of James Byrd, is it really any wonder?, I asked myself.
But the truth, which i did not share with her (and probably should have) is that these "good 'ol boys" (as she referred to her boyfriend's clients) will be ultimately more suspicious of a 20-something kid from California coming to wheel-and-deal with them than anyone not of anglo appearance or heritage.
But who knows...? Waco is it's own place, and has people of many mindsets, just like anywhere else. Sure, it's got the Baylor influence, or the influence has Baylor (you decide!), but assuming conservativism equates with racism is, at it's best, silly and in no small way discriminatory in itself.
Texas is a vast place geographically, ethnically and culturally. To assume Beaumont holds to the same norms as Austin or Abilene, South Padre, Dallas or El Paso is a pretty bold assertion. Let alone Waco, which sits at the epicenter of the Texas Bible Belt and is large enough yet to accomodate hundreds of thousands of points of view.
But Texas is huge, legendary for it's orneriness in the minds of outsiders. In it's way, Texas is like unto California in a mythical sense. No movie stars here, but isn't it a place run by bible thumpers and cowboys and outlaws, too? Yeah. Sure it is. But that's half the fun now, isn't it? It can live up to the legend and still be a place where that accomodates a million off-shoots of the sterotypes. Hippie cowboys and outlaw politicians running for governor... And why is football so all-encompassing from August to January?
Can you tell today I'm feeling a bit misty for the Lone Star State?
God Bless you, Texas. For you never fail to surprise nor to live up to surpass the dourest of expectations. And you always do it in the most ostentatious way possible.
Man, i need to get back to Texas, just for a little while.

I saw Master and Commander yesterday. Here is my review:

I now feel hopelessly less manly and significantly more land-locked. I should have seen Love Actually to reinforce my false sense of superiority.

while growing more Lex-like in appearance, Reeve demonstrates Super-human will power and becomes a cyborg.

greetings, Leaguers!

Well, Turkey Day comes round tomorrow. Get out your pilgrim hat and find a can of cranberries, because it's that magical time of the year.

I hope each and every one of you enjoys a Super Thanksgiving, and remember... Jell-O pudding cups emptied into a pie crust is not a real desert.


Thanks to Powergirl's poorly designed costume, Superman can think of a a couple of things he's thankful for

Have a happy Turkey Day, and don't forget to watch the Texas Longhorns triumph over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies on Friday at 2:30 CST.

BUSTED

In good faith, i try to keep up with the blogs of all those inked to The League. But as Jim D. has been slacking since the summer, i've only occasionally been checking in with his blog.

Turns out I got some very nice words said about me in the pages of Jim's blog, and I did not note them. You can read them here yourself. It's in the end bit of this posting.

Thanks to Denby for reminding me why i do not work out.

These pictures are totally gross. If you look at them, it's your own problem, you sick bastard.

here and here

In response to my Holiday Heckstravaganza, Nathan Cone of San Antonio, Texas writes:

So, I have a question about your contest. What would you define as the difference between "essential" and "celebrated?" I can think of some things that are essential but not celebrated, but not much that is celebrated but not essential, unless you count album sales as celebrated. In that case, the "celebrated" New Kids On the Block "Merry, Merry Christmas" is NOT essential.

Good point, Nathan.


I want to punch each of them in their smug little face, too

I could try to spell out what I meant by celebrated, but, kids... this is a good time to point out that I am looking for PERSONAL stories and anecdotes about why these Holiday performances, media, etc... are important to you, the legion members of The League.

In short, let's think about why YOU would celebrate a performance, enough to write a few words about it. Keep in mind, I am not so much judging by the actual quality of the show or performance, but by what you have to say about it.

So get those creative juices flowing. We have less than a month before the contest wraps up.


Last year's grand prize winner, Alfie LeBott, receives a prize for his essay on "Neil Diamond - The Christmas Album"

The post below was up for all of 7 minutes before RHPT.com protested not getting a mention. So here I mention The Amazing Randy.

Jim noted that I did not mention that he had mentioned The League on his website. Therefore, I am mentioning his mention, yet note how infrequently the mentions I make are mentioned. But now he has mentioned the League TWICE in the past week, which puts his mentioning above my own.

Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!!



Hello, Leaguers,

Tis the Magical Time of the Year again when we decide red and green should be worn together, and power tools suddenly make appropriate gift giving options! It is a time when record shops put albums out on display of Mariah Carey in an odd little Mrs. Clause get-up, and we all listen quietly to the music on the mall PA as if we had never heard the songs before. It's the time of the year when we think TV movies starring Roma Downey are a particularly good idea.
Yes, Leaguers, it's coming hard upon the holiday season (as we call it at my state owned office), or the Christmas season (as we call it at the Steans House).
Christmas is great for the gift giving and remembering the birth of, JC, Our Lord and Savior, but it's also a time for really crappy movies, music and television.


Indeed, what can you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?

But with the annual onslaught of irresponsibly and crassly oversentimental media produced in response to the consumer market drive to capitalize on the Holiday season, it's difficult to narrow down what the categories should be for the contest this year.

I propose four categories:

1) Most Bizarre Christmas/ Holiday media.
2) Most Essential Holiday media.
3) Most Regrettable Holiday Performance (actor or singer)
4) Most Celebrated Holiday performace (actor or singer)


Santa does fine as long as Mrs. Claus is not aware half of this bottle is filled with Captain Morgan's.

Here are the rules:

1) You may submit up to three entries in each category.
2) Submissions are subject to win ONLY if a brief description of "WHY" is also included
3) All submissions must come with a snail mail address in order to receive the GRAND HOLIDAY PRIZE for winning
4) All submissions MUST, in some way, have something to do with Christmas. THis may include movies which just HAPPEN to take place on Christmas (ex: Die Hard).
5) If Ramadan, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or Festivus are your bag, then you may also submit any media from these and any other valued Holiday traditions.
6) All Media should be described with a year (if possible) and possibly some cast, etc...
7) Performances should be described with which album, movie, show, etc... dates, etc... are also beneficial


The Bailey's are happy Daddy did not pitch himself off a bridge

Sweet and happy Christmas media is welcome, as well as that which is less so.

All answers will be compiled into a list for your Holiday viewing consideration. The grand prize winner in each category will be announced well before the holidays in order that they may use their luck at winning the contest as another way to annoy stupid cousin from Colorado who only talks about NASCAR.

So put on your thinking caps, Leaguers, and prepare for the onslaught of Christmas Fever.


Mr. Grinch is pardoned for breaking, entering, criminal mischief, robbery, etc... and then is handed some very sharp knives (in order to cut the roast beast). Such is the Holiday Season.

Response to a question by Nathan can be found here.

I have along and boring story about a couch, but today is not the day for it.

The weekend came and went, and a lot happened between Friday and today, but not much of it was overly entertaining. I look forward to a few days off coming up, and I am looking forward to what the Thanksgiving weekend shall be.

Hopefully it will be a low-key affair, but I am most certainly looking forward Friday's UT/ Texas A&M game (should it play on TV out here in Arizona), and I would also like to watch the Cowboys continue their heated winning streak. However, after this week's performance by the Dolphins, I am uncertain what this game will look like.

Turkey Day looms ever closer.


oddly, I found this image off of a foreign website which was selling American stuff

Okay. Weirdest e-bay auction ever.

KUDOS to my beautiful wife, Jamie, for forwarding this to me. It may come as s urprise to leaguers that I am a fan of Superman. Yes, yes... it's true. And as far as that fandom goes, I have missed only one episode of the WB's show "Smallville", which tells the story of a young Clark Kent before he puts on the cape.

I know Sonia will appreciate this. You see, the primary love interest for young Clark Kent is INCREDIBLY annoying, but part of the WB's plan for the show was to get as many 10-17 year old girls watching the show as males who want to watch Superman punch people (which he often does, with much gusto). So the WB seems to insist that the girls will LOVE to watch Lana. Which is annoying. I cannot detail how annoying the character of Lana Lang really is, but the fact that her trampling by a horse was applauded by a large portion of the audience goes to show you that Lana is not what much of the audience believes makes Smallville shine.

No, it's Lex Luthor we love.


Lana is the annoying one on the left...

I once detailed 9 reasons why Lana is annoying, and here they are:

1) 15 year old kids don't get to own coffee shops and go to high school
2) She learned kung-fu in half an episode and now routinely dispatches crooks with her skills, despite lack of training time due to her school/ coffee shop/ pony riding schedule
3) she has no legal guardian
4) she owns a pony she doesn't need to ever take care of or pay for or feed
5) she basically dumps all over a dude with heat vision and he puts up with it
6) she continues to surprise Clark by showing up at his house every single night when he's in the barn, and he's always surprised to see her
7) Evil genius Lex is investing in Lana's dumb coffeeshop with the only semi-used theater in back
8) Notice how Lex and Clark will be talking about saving the corn chowder plant and hundreds of jobs, or trying to stop a maniacal killer, and Lana makes sure EVERYONE knows about her dumb problem with the latte machine or whatever. Seriously. Nobody ever asks. She always just volunteers the information. Poor Lana.
9) somehow she owns a Jeep Liberty. Coffee shop must be doing well.

There are dozens of more reasons to dislike Lana, but the number one reason is that there's a much more interesting and less whiney character on the show, and we're to believe Clark is still infatuated with this dork? Come on, WB!!! Even in a show with a dude who can see through walls, we need a little believability.

you know, nothing I can say would really add anything...

Yesterday I completely neglected to mention the 75th birthday of American Icon, cartoon legend and my former co-worker, Mickey Mouse. I loved Mickey Mouse growing up. As evidenced from my photos and recent trip, the whole Disney Enterprise still holds a warm fuzzy place in my heart.

I did three summers at the Disney Store from 93-95. I proudly wore the sweater, the unhygeniec gray polyester pants, the pink shirt, and tried as hard as I could to keep a smile on my face. Which is hard when you're as hungover as I usually was in the summers from 93-95.

I tolerated insults from teenagers, folded the same shirt often four times a day, sweated profusely under the sweater and put up with lessons on the porper arragnement of stuffed animals and plastic cups.

The worst duty was "greeter." Especially at 10:00am when you can still taste beer every time you hiccup. Because as "greeter", yoru sole task was to stand at the door and welcome folks into the store. Which people do not like. THey run away from you. They run past you. THey avoid eye contact and all but put their heads under bags so you can't say "Welcome to the Disney Store!" People walk past you and speak loudly about how dumb you look in your outfit. Other people yell at you for talking to them before they've addressed you themself. I don't think tyhey actually still force people to do this. It sucks.

After three years, hundreds of happy customers and being the only one in the store who understood that Disney also owned TOuchstone and Hollywood Pictures, on my final day, I asked my manager what she thought.

"Well," she said, "You're very difficult."
"Hmmm. I thought you'd say something nice as, you know, you'll probably never see me again."
And now realizing she would never see me again, she grasped the opportunity and detailed how I had been a disappointment. I was told how I had been given opportunity and didn't seem to care (I never perceived this, but whatever), how I had not been forthcoming with the spirit and attitude of Disney. I was informed how I had failed to smile like an idiot come rain or shine, constantly resorting baby-spittled stuffed animals, and being unable to leave my "zone" no matter how much help a customer needed on another part of the floor.
"You're really one of the worst employees we ever had," she concluded.
"You know, you didn't have to hire me back. Twice."
"I know, but you knew how to do everything."
Which meant it didn't matter how many goddamn Lion King dolls I helped sell. It didn't matter how many Pooh-Bears I helped move, or that I could actually tell people where to find other cartoon merchandise when they called (which WAS SUPPOSED to be applauded, according to my training manual). The fact I was the ONLY employee who didn't need to be questioned the time all the watches were stolen (theories on why I wasn't questioned very), didn't matter. Didn't matter that I'd stayed late with the managers who wanted to count money but didn't want to walk to their cars alone. And I loved to vaccuum. God help me, when the store closed down, I was already in motion, headed for the back of the shop to grab the vaccuum and get out there. I even showed up as having helped on a "secret shop." No, none of that mattered. The fact that I didn't have a "Disney Attitude" was what got me a bad rap.

I could not stand in the middle of a store, addressing nobody, and stare into space and smile.

"One customer," she said, "came to me and said you looked absolutely miserable in the middle of all the fun. I came to you and asked you to perk up, and you kind of blew me off."
Kids, this was probably when i should have told her I remembered that, and that I had gas from the Diet Coke and Great American Cookie Company treat I'd had, and that I was still kind of hung over, and that I was at the end of my rope after hearing the same 44 minute Laserdisc of Disney tunes after it's 400th play. When you're making $5.00/ hr.
Apparently my constant desire to point out inconsistencies in store policy and logic was not needed, either.

"I blew you off?" I said incredulously.
"You just never seemed like you wanted to really get into the spirit of things."
And I didn't. And I don't. And I can't tell you why, but it's the same reason I used to avoid the office Christmas party at my last job. And why I didn't pursue a career as a salesman and why, when I sneeze, pixie dust dust not pour out of my ears.

People are gross and disgusting and mean and spoil their kids and hit their kids and spill shit and laugh at you for having to clean it up in your little Mouseketeer outfit. And sometimes they are nice, and do not let their children throw toys and stuffed animals across the store, but most of the time, they do.

I am so freaking nice to people in stores. I tip more than 15%. My highest aspiration in every transaction is for me to just disappear in the mind of the person i'm dealing with immediately after I have left, because that is the greatest gift you can give someone who is just trying to make it to the end of their shift. Unless they're being a jerk. Then you tip $0.01 so they get taxed.

But it wasn't Mickey I didn't like. Because look at Mickey's pals. He hangs out with a bi-polar duck and an idiot dog-man thing and a girlfriend who looks like him in drag. Clearly Mickey would not have waited three years and then unloaded. Nah. Mickey would be cooler than that. I kind of considered myslef "vintage Mickey." I was "Steamboat Willie Mickey." I pulled down the pants of the ship captain and tried to make sure I was doing okay, even if it wasn't exactly what the ship captain THOUGHT he wanted. Ah, well. C'est la vie.

You know, I probably WAS an awful Disney employee. I'm not going to say that, based upon their standards, I was a super star. THere was a lady named Kathy who worked there, and that honor goes to her. No, I sucked as a Disney employee, but did I WANT to be good at being some weird Disney automaton? Probably not.

Here's something to try: next time you're at the Disneystore or Disneyland or wherever.... engage an employee in a conversation. Seriously, just try to talk to one of them. You can't have a REAL conversation with them, and you know why? Because they're being watched. THere are managers who watch them, probably cameras at the park, and definitely spies and "secret shoppers." They are FORBIDDEN from ever saying something is bad. If it's raining so hard outside that the fish are drowning, they'll have to insist we're do for a rain, or else laugh about the rain in a weird way which indicates they LOVE the rain. Try it. I dare you.

Happy 75th, Mickey. Thanks for The Mouse, Walt. And screw you Disney Store #382 at Willowbrook Mall, Houston, Texas. I hope you go bankrupt and all your overpriced crap gets returned to you.

Brenda Johnson just e-mailed me! I love Brenda Johnson. THe world needs more Brendas. I hadn't seen her since about 1994! All the world comes together through The League of Melbotis.

Oh, and by the way, Jim D. commented on his blog that i never mentioned my 10th Year Reunion on my blog. It was held September 25th, but I didn't go. No tales of relived glory. Sorry.

Greeting, Leaguers,

Turkey Day is fast approaching.


a delicious looking turkey

Jamie and I are preparing for what will, hopefully, be a funfilled Holiday in which we can give thanks for all the good fortune of the year. Huzzah.
I love the turkey, but I've been vegetarian since August 19th. Not a bite of meat has passed through my lips since that day. But I love turkey! Seriously. Turkey and gravy. Absolutely love it. Jamie and I picked out a 14 pound turkey this weekend, and I wanted to do a little dance, so great is my love of the bird. But will i crack under the strain? Can I possibly go without turkey on a day in which drumsticks will be presented right before my nose? I cannot say.

Viva la turkey.

In regards to my paranoid rant about Christmas last week, as of Saturday night, one of my neighbors has already put up their Christmas lights. Holy cow, man. We aren't even done using the air conditioner and this bozo is laying tracks for Santa's runway on his roof.

Anyhoo, Laura Maxwell held a contest over on her blog. I was one of a few winners of the "Evil Deeds to Bestow Upon your Boss After You've Been Informed You're Laid Off But have Two Weeks Left to Go" contest. I received an "Attack of the CLones" clone-headed Pez-Dispenser. I love me the orange Pez. I also got candy cigarettes, an aluminum Dia De Los Muertos skeleton and a general showering of good will. Thanks, Maxwell! You're tops!

Solicitations for upcoming Superman stories for February have been released. Check out this art! I am so pumped. Also here and here.

DC Comics has not been putting out what I would describe as A+ Superman stories this year, but this looks interesting, and 2004 is scheduled to have some top flight writers and artists. Could be a good year to be a Superman fan.

I was not a good student in college. Seriously. THis may surprise you, faithful Leaguers, but I had a little trouble focusing on my studies. Hence, my GPA coming out of college was nothing to crow about. And so the trend continues. I completely bombed my exam last night in the class I'm taking. I have no idea how I could have studied better, but my capacity for retaining knowledge such as I am being tested on is nil. Let's hope the group project pulls my fat out of the fire.

Sometime in 8th grade I did my usual routine of flipping past any actual news in the newspapers and headed straight for the funnies page. At the time the paper still carried strips like Apartment 3G, Steve Roper and other soap opera strips. For some reason, I started to follow Mary Worth. I have no idea why, but from 8th to 11th grade, I read Mary Worth almost every morning while i was having my cereal and juice. In 12th grade I gave up on breakfast so i could get more sleep, and with that, my love affair with MAry Worth came to an end.

Honestly, I have almost no recollection of anything in Mary Worth, except that it would take two weeks for her to make it across the room. Storylines would take literally a year to complete and usually were not very satisfactory. But then again, it was a strip about a lady living in some sort of Retirement Community.

At any rate, the art was always good, and the stories were consistent, if not thrilling. But I read today that the brianchild behind Mary Worth had died.

The Arizona Republic has a worse comics section than the Lawton Constitution, so I don't read any strips anymore. But it was always nice in those days to know that a nice lady was there to have cereal with me every morning.

Oh, irony of ironies.

I called my dad on Saturday to dispense with the usual weekend parental chat and he sounded all chipper.

"I just found your web page!" says the old man.
"My web page...?"
"Your cousin called and she gave us directions on how to find your web page! I'm reading it right now!"
"Oh, Sweet Christmas..."
"Ho ho! You don't want your old man reading your web page!"
"Well, I, you know... I'm as excited about this as when you and mom found cigarettes in my drawer."
"Huh. Well, better keep it clean, Bub! Your mother and I know how to find you now! Ho ho ho!"
"So Susan found the web-site and ratted me out, huh?"
"Yup! She called us right up!"
I love my cousin. I really do. She's a wee little Occupational Therapist in Austin who helps developmentally challenged kids learn how to use their muscles and stuff by way of games and exercises. But this year, as revenge, she will be getting nothing for her birthday. When she will be 29. Again.
My Dad also pointed out that my grandpa did not use a glider to enter Europe on D-Day. I think my brother just made that up based on something from Band of Brothers. Apparently Grandpa Marvin Ross parachuted into a small town in Belgium on D Day. Always one for the facts, am I.
Anyway, the folks are now keeping up with the League of Melbotis, and I will probably henceforth refrain from using "the f-word".

We're hosting Jamie's folks for Thanksgiving this year, and thusly, we are cleaning the house in a way we have not touched it since probably last June. ugh. It's so gross and dirty. However, it did give me an excuse to sort, file, bag and board comics which have been sitting in piles since July. I am in sore need of additional bags and boards and boxes, which is expensive. That, and I am running out of closet space in which to store the comics. I need to move or knock downt he wall between my office and the guest room to make room for all this hoo-haa.
Curse you comic books... you drain me of my money and my sanity.

I watched Shane while sorting the comics. Man, I've seen Shane probably 5 or 6 times and I still love that movie. I also watched Mars Attacks!, a movie I never really get tired of. Yes, sorting comics takes FOREVER.

I have an exam today. I hate school. I can't believe I'm trying to go back and take classes. I had forgotten how much I hate exams and studying. Bleah.

Kudos to Jim for forwarding this.

Work has been nutty. They just dumped me with a king sized project and are unintentionally throwing all kinds of barriers in my way. Pulled the 11.5 hour day yesterday. Who says working for the state isn't gratifying? At least I know that when Christmas is coming, everyone goes on vacation, so there isn't a snowball's chance in hell I'll be able to do anything even if I want to from December 10th to January 5th.

In the meantime, I leave you with my personal philosophy as followed from the ages of 16-present. It is called The Three-Fold Path to the Glimmering Sea of Irresponsibility and Enlightenment, or, more succinctly: The Way of the Coward.

1) Deny Everything
2) Make Counter-Allegations
3) Run Like Hell

THis three-tiered approach to any hostile situation will always, always, always get you out of trouble. I promise.

The State University I work for gave us all yesterday off in observance of Memorial Day. At least I hope they did. Nobody seems to have missed me yesterday.

With an actual war occuring overseas, Veteran's Day has a greater immediacy than most years. But invariably, on Veteran's Day, I think of my Grandfather, Marvin Ross. He was raised in rural Kansas, and has the kind of stories and background that post-Vietnam kids like myself regard as American myth. He broke horses from the time he was 12, and originally joined a horseback riding cavalry. He served through almost all of WWII, including dropping into Normandy in a glider as part of the 82nd Airborne, serving in Africa (I assume chasing Rommel about), and at some point crossed enemy lines in Italy to go and raid a wine-cellar.

He's the kind of guy who, when he saw me going jogging several years ago, pointed out that I wasn't lugging an 80 pound pack, as he had to do for four years. It's kind of a tough image to live up to. Since the toughest thing I ever did was obtain the high score on Galaga at Pizza Royale in 1983, I'm usually left just staring at the guy as he relates his tales like he's casually recounting an issue of Sgt. Rock (which he might be, who knows...).

My pop is also a veteran, he of Vietnam. But My Old Man has less exciting tales to tell as he was a mechanic and electrician in the Air Force and mostly served as a target for VC while hanging out on the runway in Pleiku. He does know a hell of a lot of funny stories involving airplanes getting blown up and fowled up, which led to my decision never to want to sit behind the stick in a combat situation.

In the end, I feel like a big ol' sissy. That's what Veteran's Day means to me. I get to be a sissy because other folks put on a uniform and go get shot at in the far reaches of the world. So I hope you all took a few minutes out to observe the service these good folks have done for us.

Now for some housekeeping:

I have found two new shows I like this season. 1) Arrested Development on Fox. This show will only get about 8 episodes out before it is pulled, but I hope to catch them all. I was the one guy in America who also believed Fox's Hollywood show Action was one of the best sitcoms of that year.

2) Cartoon Network's Duck Dodgers. Reviving the comedy/ science-fiction of Daffy Duck in space, the one episode of this show I've seen was pretty darn good. It's not Futurama, but I dug it.

other shows I should have discovered, but am late on the bandwagon, and/ or have changed my mind.

1) Mucha Lucha on Kids WB!
2) Randy was right. Teen Titans is worth watching. Everyone ignore my previous comments.


In other news, Jamie, Mel and I may have a brief cameo on The Learning Channel's reality/ game show "Clean Sweep". They were taping an episode down the street from us the day after Halloween and Jamie and I leashed up Mel and went and bought a grotesquely ugly lamp from the yard sale. At any rate, if you see an episode taking place in Arizona, wait until the yard sale portion and you will see Jamie suddenly going into haggling mode (which I had never seen her do), and me standing around looking really nervous that Mel is going to knock me, the camera crew and the tables full of stuff right over. Big lesson: when going to appear on TV, do not bring unpredictable doggy.

The other funny thing was how Jamie and I were primping before going to the garage sale. We were not going to go down there and look like slobs.

Anyway, that's what I've got today. Hope you guys had a good Veterans Day.

Thanks to Jim for forwarding this link. Included are the worst album covers ever to come out of Sweden. He also included this link, with even more album cover gold.

As I was telling Jim, I look forward to seeing the Reverend Sharpton make a case for his positions!

A special Disneyland treat, Leaguers!!!!

Generally I shy away from showing myself, but I had so much fun on this trip, you get a few photos of your intrepid blogger.


Me being too big for the cave on Tom Sawyer's Island.


Too long away from Mel, I seek solace in Pluto's embrace.

Greetings, Leaguers!

Well, I had a funfilled week at EduCause 2003. I spent four glorious days in Anaheim, California wherein I spent a lot of time walking around booths and sitting through presentations on technology in education. THis may sound boring to you, but to me, it's really, really boring.

THe upside of all of this is that I was also two blocks from Disneyland, which is, I am told, the Happiest Place on Earth.

I'm inclined to agree, as I had a pretty darn good time within the gates of The Magic Kingdom.

Hopefully I can link to some photos pretty soon.

Instead of dawdling off to Matrix 3 (as I had not seen Matrix 2), I went and saw "Elf" yesterday. THis isn't the best move in the world, nor am I really feeling prepared for Christmas, but it was worth seeing at matinee prices.

This said, the Christmas Season is officially upon us. Last Tuesday, walking into Disneyland, MainStreet USA had already been transformed into a Christmas theme and non-secular Christmas tunes poured out from the PA. While Anaheim is considerably chillier than Arizona, I just finished Halloween. I have Thanksgiving to deal with, and am not really looking to rush into another Holiday season.

Target is prepped with huge cardboard cut-outs of ornaments, the seasonal section is packed with trees and lights and whatever. I went to Barnes and Noble to buy a book, and their PA was also playin non-secular Christmas tunes. On the way to the movie, I was flipping radio channels, and 99.9fm has already switched (I am not making this up) to an All Holiday Song format which will last until January 1. Despite the fact people were at "Elf" in shorts, it still felt, I suppose, somewhat Christmassy, but let's face it, when two weeks ago we were passing out of 90 degree temps, I am still not prepared for Holiday fun.

The truth is, I want to like Christmas, but as I've passed out of college and into the working world, I've begun to understand why my Mum got that look on her face every year sometime around Thanksgiving. The look would grow grimmer and grimmer until around NEw Years Day things would culminate in some sort of scene out of Mommy Dearest with me being grounded for no particular reason other than I was the one relative who refused to leave the house once the festivities were over. My Mom was the person holding everything together for the swarming masses of Steanses who came in like locusts, ate and left nothing behind but a mess to clean up. Every year we played host to family and friends for Turkey Day (usually numbering into the double digits), and Christmas Eve usually saw about 10 people in the house and sometimes a few in a hotel somewhere.



Jamie's family does Christmas right. It's small and quiet and involves a movie on Christmas Eve, which was odd the first year, but I've come to appreciate it's simplicity.

And now that we're in Arizona, I have to board the pets when I travel, and that's no good. Mel shouldn't be spending CHristmas in doggy jail, like some common drunkard dog in the drunk doggy tank.

For some reason, Jamie also manages to get sick around Christmas every year, and now that we're in year #8 of being an item, i've come to dread Christmas just a bit more. I do not want her feeling ill while she's opening her stocking. For some reason "It's a Wonderful Life" seems to trigger the problem.

In itsway, Christmas has become this huge thing on the horizon with very predictable problems, a hell of a lot of expenses and not enough days of vacation in it to make it relaxing.

I've been doing weird things to Jamie, like insisting upon not decorating, but that's kind of crazy. We own a fake tree and all that. I just keep trying to think of ways for me not to go nuts as Christmas comes upon us. But I also want for her to have a good Christmas. But let's face it, Christmas is not like the movies (unless you count Die Hard and Lethal Weapon). The chances of a Magical Christmas occuring are pretty damn slim.

But here's the truth.

The reason we make such a big fuss over Christmas is because some part of us still remembers waking up when we were 6 and going downstairs and getting that train set, or going to church and singing "Silent Night" with no light but the candles, or sitting on the floor by Grandma's feet while she drank coffee, or whatever. And I think we think that if we get it right this time, it'll be like it was then. And we can try and try, but it's not going to be liek it was then, no matter how hard we work to make it like it was.

But this year I'm going to take it easy and try to relax. THis year I'm going to take a page out of 7-Year Old Ryan's book and not get hung up on it all. But I'll tell you this much, Christmas is a hell of a lot better when you wake up on Christmas Morning with Jamie there than when Mom and Dad made you bunk down with a snoring older brother.



In short, this is my long introduction to Ryan's Christmas Movie Contest.

Rules will be being released this week, so get your engines warmed up, kids. It's going to be a good one.

Greetings, Leaguers.

Halloween has come and gone once again.


Here's our house!


Here's Jamie and Mel saying Happy Halloween!

I am going on hiatus for a week. Hope everyone has a good one.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

It's HALLOWEEN, LEAGUERS!!!!!

There are two big reasons why I like Halloween.



Today on my way to work I saw a fairy princess, the Cat in the Hat, a dead Cowboy, a medieval maiden and the property manager for my office suite. AND Tom, my video guy, just showed up with this insane fake nose. It's gonna be a good day.

Oh, and there's candy.



Anyhoo, last night after dinner we carved not one, not two, but FOUR Jack O' Lanterns. I had to handle three of them as Jamie was reportedly "tired." But that's okay. We also made Jamie's traditional Halloween cookies which have orange zested into them, and are way better than I just made them sound. We watched "War of the Worlds" and "Young Frankenstein" and made a night of it.

"Eye-gor!"
"Froderick!"

It works every time.



I am not wearing a costume. I was going to come as my web designer, Eric, but I didn't get my act together. So I put on the Superman T-shirt and am going to have to roll with that again. S'allright.


I didn't carve this. I found it online. I'll give it a shot next year.

I hope all of you have a Happy Halloween, and get lots of treats and tricks.


"I got a rock..."

Hey Kids. Jim D. has sent me the link to a story on Alex Ross which appeared in The New York Times. I'm a big fan of Alex Ross's work, and I have several posters and prints (three of them signed, thank you) done by Mr. Ross.

Examples of Mr. Ross's work include the picture of Superman which appears right upon this page to your left
<-------------

The decription of Alex's house makes me want to paint my walls blue, red and yellow and finally get down with my comic-lovin' self. However, Jamie still has some sense of decorum, and I am fairly certain a life sized replica of the Bat-Signal is nowhere in my future.

I do think it's odd that the article seemed more pre-occupied with Alex's knick-knacks than with the tremendous volume and quality of his work. His collaboration with Mark Waid on Kingdom Come and his work with Busiek on Marvels may be the two keystone books which brought comics back to form from the "anti-hero" path that superhero comics were taking in the early 90's. I know a New York Times reporter probably doesn't care too much about that, but at least a mention of the wide volume of Alex's work woudl have been nice instead of a piece on "look at the freak with the toys!" Sigh. Well, he was the one who chose to dress like The Phantom for the interview.

I have watched Rosemary's Baby and Picnic at Hanging Rock. I enjoyed both films and hope to make my way through all the Halloween movies.

BTW, RHPT.com was highly irritated that nobody suggested The Exorcist. And somebody shoudl have, because in addition to being kind of scary, The Exorcist is just plain wrong. Ay Carumba, how that movie scared me when i was 14 and saw it the first time. I saw this the same week I saw The Shining and A Clockwork Orange for the first time. Quite a week int the development of young Ryan's brain.



Mel is doing well and is pleased as punch about the arrival of Halloween. His costume is the pic you can see on this site each and everyday. he will proudly go as Krypto the Superdog again this year.

He is such a good boy, and he stayed up with me and watched all of the 2 hour ender of Joe Schmo, a show I once hated but grew to watch every darn week. Mel gets a 2 cushion spot on the couch (I get one). Poor Mel will be deeply disappointed when the new couch comes and he can no longer ride shotgun while we stay up to late and watch bad TV.

Last night CBS aired "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" which is still a favorite of mine. If anyone else saw it, did it seem like they cut out a lot of the WWI Flying Ace section? hmmm... conspiracies abound.



I have several dozen little comic books to give out on Halloween. One is "Spidey and the Mini-Marvels" and the other is a lame Archie Andrews Halloween comic. I may not like Archie, but some kid might. But don't worry, we will go ahead and assist in the rotting of teeth. We have many, many bags of candy.

About 9:00 I will begin watching The Shining. Please do not call unless you notice the roof is on fire (this may also work if it's the roof is on fire in the funky, George Clinton manner).

Hey, kids! It's up to you to decide who is too extreme! Vlad Tepes, the guy who impaled his enemies on stakes, or Ann "Nude Photos of" Coulter herself! But here's the great part... you can now have them play together!

In addition to the Vlad doll in the post from Oct. 28th at 11:16, one can now obtain this little piece of modern history.

Sure to be a welcome present beneath the tree of every hateful, spiteful little girl in America.

An excellent case for OSHA

Oh, and before I forget, just to bring things into the realm of the stupefying...

The Vlad Tepes action figure.

I just remembered I saw Underworld. Why the fuck did I go see Underworld?

As many nerds know, Bram Stoker's Dracula (go here to read the whole book) takes his name from Vlad Tepes, a Romanian Nobleman famous for his taste for the brutal punishment of his enemies. More reading about Vlad can be done here.



But my favorite part of this, as I was telling Jamie just the other day, is how we've turned this 15th Century guy into, 1st, a horrific creature of the night. It's not enough this guy did a bunch of horrific stuff 600 years ago, but we've immortalized him as a bizarre member of the legion of the undead.

From book, to play to silver screen, Dracula has wowed folks for over 100 years, and will probably continue to do so long after you or I are around.



But as a figure of Popular Culture, Dracula has been routinely co-opted in a less than respectable fashion. From cartoons to greeting cards to comedies starring George Hamilton, the memory of the original Vlad Tepes has somehow dwindled in the imagination and has been replaced by something not nearly as frightening. However, perhaps Vlad has carried on to teach us all...?

But to be immortalized as a cereal character... truly, that must be the ultimate achievement. To know that hundreds of years after your death, some twinge of your memory, some part of who you once were as a great ruler, a feared and dreaded master of all you survey... indeed, to have that changed into a wacky character on the side of a cereal box (sharing an unholy alliance with a pink monstrosity and a blue ghost), is the kind of immortality most of us can only dream of.

So Vlad Tepes, this Halloween, I salute you. Unlike hundreds of thousands of others who dreamed their memory would linger on, the butchery which occured at your hands and at your command has been memorialized as a deliciously chocolatey treat that's a part of this complete breakfast.

Threatened with a lawsuit, the Laegue of Melbotis retracts any libelous comments made about Counselor Jim Dedman's deep affection for the early 90's sunshine fun band, The Spin Doctors. New information has come to light, and we no longer believe that Mr. Dedman does now, nor has he at any time, adored the Spin Doctors.

He does, however, love The Wiggles.

Bryan Manzo is in Seattle in a band called "Pleasurecraft." You may find their site, here.

Another great tragedy personally inconveniences me...

The wildfires in San Diego mean that Monday Night Football will be moved to the stadium at my employing university. Part of me was pretty excited, because I would either (1) go home early to avoid crazy football fans, or (2) go down to the staium and see Monday Night Football live!

But. I. Am. In. Class.

That's right, I'm taking a class which meets once a week on Monday nights. And because of this class, I can neither leave early, nor may I go to see this game.

BUT, I do get to deal with the insanity which will be prevailing.

SUCK IT UP!!! you say?

It was so bad during the Fiesta Bowl that I left at 2:00pm the day of the game. See, my window faces the main drag of Tempe, and now I will get to enjoy the hoots and hollers of thousands of football fans. Not to mention I have to pass the stadium just to leave at night.

Of course Al Michaels is an alum of my employing institution, so he's probably delighted. Well, AL Michaels, you are now my nemesis!

Well, I've returned from my trip to NASA, and while I may not have piqued interest in our programs to a single space-nerd, I sure like NASA. How many places can you go to that routinely assist in space exploration, both manned and un-manned?

On the whole, I didn't see much of NASA. In fact, I saw a "visitor's check-in center" and the lobby of a building where I sat for four hours. BUT, I sat under the base for a lunar lander the whole time. Kind of cool. Mostly I talked to the lady from Alvin Community College and the lady from Concordia Lutheran, but some old UT chums of mine were there in friendly competition.

I picked up an $8 model of the shuttle and a T-shirt. Hurray, NASA!

No, I took no pictures, but had I taken pictures, this is what the day would have looked like.

HOLY CATS!!!

left with nothing better to do, a stranded in New Orleans Jim Dedman has called me on his cell phone. But just as suddenly as called, he located the Virgin Megastore and quickly ended the conversation.

I don't talk to Jim on the phone but once or twice a year, so I feel both honored and stupified.

Hopefully he will find many, many Spin Doctors records to help him through his stay.

Rerun, we hardly knew ye.

yesterday I mentioned that I expected Vinni to be wearing a confederate flag T-shirt. Jim was shocked and awed that I did not mention his paper, from his tenure at the Baylor Law Review, on the controversy over the flag. Of what I read thus far, the paper is pretty darn readable. Jim's paper can be found here.

hey, kids! Good news! Nathan Cone of San Antonio (former "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" contestant and current Public Radio Wage-Slave) has informed me that one of the winning entries of the Halloween contest will be playing on Turner Classic Movies next week. Freaks will be playing on October 29th at 8pm Eastern, 7pm Central. This means that out in Arizona, it could play anytime between 3:00pm and 11:00pm. I'll figure it out somehow.

Okay...

There's been a huge amount of press already regarding the new CBS TV movie about Ronald and Nancy Reagan and their lives in and outside of the White House. And kicking and screaming, people keep trying to drag me into this.

No.

I couldn't care less about this movie. Seriously. I couldn't give less of a shit. Apparently it's being done by a left-wing cast and crew, which is sending Reaganites into a tizzy and has driven liberals into a mastrubative stupor. There are controversies over whether or not the depicitions are accurate in regards to Reagan's stance on AIDS and some other left-wing hot button issues from the 80's.

Look, people SHOULD have already made up their minds about what went down, and nodding in agreement or screaming at the TV isn't going to change anything. Let me put this in perspective: It's a CBS movie starring the guy from the Meineke commericals. It's going to be some awful TV and it's a big, ridiculous stunt.

If you really, really want to see this movie to validate your own opinions, as Randy says, "go nuts." If any liberal takes this as gospel truth, they're as dumb as conservatives give them credit for being. If conservatives really believe Reagan is next to Christ, maybe an injection of humanity into their depiction might do everyone some good. The "my dad can beat up your dad" mentality is fucking ludicrous and I won't have it. And, there hasn't been a good TV movie since "Benji Goes to Seaworld," so I'm not watching this one either.

Driving to work this morning, I saw a license plate frame which read "Better get out the toilet paper, because I'm the shit!" The license plate, itself, read "VINNI". Above this was a Packers bumper sticker.

Incongruously, driving the car was a middle-aged woman with Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. For some reason i was expecting "Vinni" would be missing teeth and would be wearing a faded shirt with the confederate flag printed on it. Not so. At the same time, you kind of wonder if the people driving cars with this personality are aware of what is on the back, or if they are feeling vaguely self-conscious for driving someone else's car. For example, Jamie often drives my car with no fewer than 2 Superman stickers and a license plate reading "KRYPTO". I am sure she is slightly embarassed, but what's she going to do about it?

For some reason I'm feeling optimistic today. I have no idea why. Maybe we'll settle this Israel/ Palestine issue today, or maybe they'll make Big Macs healthy! something good will happen today, i am sure of it.

GREETINGS, LEAGUERS, AND HAPPY PRE-HALLOWEEN!!!!



I am proud to bring you the results of the 1st Annual League of Melbotis Halloween Contest!

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone who submitted an entry. I’ve had a ghoulishly good time reading everyone’s entries. It’s great to get feedback and interaction with all of Mel’s friends and family, and I hope that nobody thinks that they are not a winner. You are all special people. Well, not those folks who continue to seek out nude photos of Ann Coulter. No, you are not special.

Firstly, here is a list of movies submitted by all Loyal Leaguers:

Return to Oz
Rosemary's Baby
The Shining
Night of the Living Dead
Halloween
Freaks
The Ring/ Ringu
Eyes Without a Face
Picnic at Hanging Rock
Begotten
Hellraiser
Repulsion
28 Days Later
Blood Simple
Rope
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer
Bubbahotep
MGM Midnight Movies Set

Now, by this list, you can see that we had some great entries and competition was so stiff, it was spooky.

My beautiful wife, Jamie, did not qualify for the contest as her two entries were clearly intended to haunt me with distractions. She selected “The English Patient” for being “frighteningly long” and “The Star Wars Holiday Special” for being “terrifyingly bad”. Well, done, sweetie. Your prize is spending eternity with me in blissful wedlock. BWAH HA HA HA HA!!!!

But, Leaguers, I didn’t need to go to my mummy for advice on this year’s pick for most requested movie.

The Shining appeared in no fewer than three lists, and managed to scare up the award for most popular selection. The combination of Kubrick’s claustrophobic direction, King’s spooky story, Nicholson’s haunting performance, and Scatman Crother’s ill-advised trip to the North seems to have won the hearts of quite a few of our Loyal Leaguers.

Said Nathan Cone: As a married man, it takes on a new meaning.
Make of that what you will, Renata, but you might want to make sure the window in the bathroom is wide enough for a quick escape.
Said Anne Francis: To think Steven King didn't like this version just proves he's the ultimate hack.

Well said, Anne. HACK HACK HACK, WHACK WHACK WHACK HEEEERE’S JOHNNY!!!!!!!!



Before I announce the winner, I’d like to remind everyone that the contest wasn’t as much about what movie you picked, but rather about how the movie was described. With that in mind, I’ll exhume some quotes from some of the entries.

Return to Oz: I first saw this movie when I was five and I don't think I slept well for weeks. … While the Wizard of Oz was magical and enchanting, Return to Oz was terrifying, playing on kids' fears of strange grown-ups and abandonment by their guardians, not to mention the sheer terror created by screw-top bodies and flying moose heads that disintegrate in midair. It's a wonderfully made movie, actually a blend of the two Baum books following the Wizard of Oz, and plenty of people think it conveys the mood of the novels far better than the Wizard movie did, but whoever decided to market it to small children has a sadistic streak a mile wide.

Rosemary’s Baby: Well acted, well directed (Roman Polanski) and well written - even for a movie made in 1968 (not my favorite movie period - horror from this era is usually over-the-top); and to think Mia Farrow was married to Frank Sinatra during the filming of this movie is scary enough!

Picnic at Hanging Rock: Those in the mood for a Film that wraps up neatly will be disappointed, but if you're in for a movie that's a true riddle inside an enigma, check this one out. Lots of weird Zamfir panpipe music is a bonus, and I can't think of another film that's used the Beethoven "Emperor" concerto to better effect.

Repulsion: An instructive primer on why not to let in-laws live in your apartment. And why you should always, always *always* have meds on hand.

28 Days Later: Always make damn sure you know how to change a tire very, very quickly.

Rope: Bodies tend to stink up the joint when you're entertaining. Emily Post would not approve.

Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer: I don't remember it being that gory, but it is one of the most disturbing movies I have ever seen.

Bubbahotep: Yah, it's got.. Bruce Campbell as Elvis in his old age, Ossie Davis as JFK, combating ancient Egyptian flesh eating mummy curse... it's got many reputable film festival awards too. No shit..


Kids, the winner is Laura Maxwell for her stunning description of both The Shining (which already won, and so I am excused) and of Freaks

The Shining: When you were a kid, did you have one of those big wheels? Redrum. I bet you did. Redrum. I did. Redrum. I liked to ride it around the neighborhood. Redrum. Then one day my daddy said I could take it to work, so I rode around the empty halls, turning the corners, carpet, floor, carpet, floor, carpet, floor, carpet, TWO DEAD GIRLS CHANTING PLAY WITH US AND A BUNCH OF BLOOD COMING FROM THE ELEVATORS AND LET'S NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN ROOM 237 AND WHY IS THAT GUY WEARING A BEAR COSTUME AND JUST WHAT IS HE DOING TO THAT GUY, DADDY? REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM REDRUM!

Freaks: Not so much scary as truly disturbing, Freaks tells the story of a trapeze artist, a midget, and a bunch of "REAL LIVE FREAKS". What could go wrong?
The first time I saw this movie I was so uncomfortable I couldn't stop laughing. Not in a ha ha, look at the funny freaks way either. More like a "Dear GOD what is that THING?" kind of way, which sounds terribly Princess Bride and horribly un-PC...scary stuff indeed. Plus, I imagine watching this movie will enhance your enjoyment of Carnivale, or pretty much any Carnie work created in it's shadow. Bonus: Chant "One of Us One of Us" at the dinner table and know what it referenced before the Simpsons.




Here's my problem. Freaks is only available on VHS, and all outlets I can find it at are going to take 3 weeks to get the video to me. I'm kind of wary of buying anything on VHS, but I may yet do so. Left with a sticky situation, I have resumed my Netflix membership and am bringing in:

Rosemary's Baby
Hellraiser
Picnic at Hanging Rock

I can guarantee I will watch The Shining on Halloween (I already own it), and will try to squeeze in as many movies as I can over the next week and a half.

This contest has been a lot of fun for me, if not for you, and I hope you all enjoyed it.

Now go out there and have a spooky Halloween.