Monday, December 08, 2003

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope you and the reindeer and doing well. As Christmas is coming so quickly, I hope that you, the elves and Mrs. Claus are still taking time out to enjoy the Christmas Season for yourselves. It seems to me awfully sad that you cannot ever enjoy this time of year for yourselves, but I suppose it's better than having Mrs. Claus's parents and siblings hanging out and ruining a nice, quiet Christmas.
This year I have been ever so good. I have tried to think of what I have done this year that would get me on the "naughty" list, and I'm drawing a blank. Well, I will admit to finding new and creative obscenities to use on the freeway, but I do not think anyone can ever hear me, and I find shooting the bird to really be a last resort. There was also that incident with the javelina and the staple gun, but if there are no witnesses, is it really a crime?
So, Santa, I believe this is the portion in which I make my list of what I would like for Christmas. We've dispensed with the small talk, and I've stated my case for my goodness.

This year, I would like:

1) A sweater. Every year I ask for a sweater and (I guess because I live in the south) everyone thinks I'm kidding. But this is year #4 I've asked for a sweater, so I am beginning to think the people in my family are just jerks. So a sweater would be nice. Why do I want a sweater? Santa, even chubby guys get cold. I own three sweaters and two of them are either threadbare or kind of dopey. So just a nice sweater, maybe a BLUE sweater would be nice.

2) A rocket kit. Now Santa, I know you're going to immediately remember the incident with the fire in the trashcan. Okay, BOTH of the fires in the trashcans. And maybe the richocet incident with the BB gun. And you're going to remember the thing with the circular saw (which is why we keep receipts, isn't it?). But Santa, I was watching those guys on Discovery Channel, and if they can do it, so can I. Right? Okay, maybe it'd be best if I didn't get a rocket.

3) Some hardcover Superman Archives editions from DC. Now these things are crazy expensive, but they're of really nice quality and a lot of fun to read, and we think reading is good, right? Aw, screw it. I know it's not really reading, too.

4) Superman Seatcovers. Now I remember when Jamie said "Hey, no way in hell am I sitting on those," but Santa... Jamie got over the blue and red room, and she got over the KRYPTO license plate. Surely she will adapt to these as well, right, Santa?

5) A Fokker Dr.I Dreidecker, painted red and fully armed. You know why. And hey, it will make next year easier as next year I won't bug you as surely what I have planned will keep me off the "good" list for next year...

And that's pretty much it, Santa. I know you will see it in your heart to do what's best. and by what's best, give me what I want without simultaneously providing me a method by which to severely injure myself. Same as when i was five and wanted my own lawn mower.

Merry Christmas, Santa. Rap with you next year.

Your pal,

R.

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