the crosswalk sign at University and Forest in Tempe says "Walk Light is on." But if you aren't listening closely, you'll think it says "Walk like a dog."

Also, the guy who played Sam in Lord of the Rings is the son of Gomez Addams. We live in a strange, funny world.

Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

Is it better to have love and lost than to not have loved at all?

Dear Randy,

Mel have pondered question for long time and now ready to answer. But before Mel answer, Mel consult many around him. Chubby man-boy thing say "Who is a good boy?" to Mel. And Mel say "Mel!" And he ask again "Who is a good boy?" and I say "MEL!!!!!!" and he say, "You are, Mel! You are a good boy! Now have a milkbone." and I know that chubby man-boy thing love me.

And I ask stupid dog next door "what is love?" and dog say "bark bar bark bark I am stupid bark bark bark".

So I ask cat, and cat say "Jeff love many thing. Jeff love blanket, stuffed hippo, cushion on couch and anything Jeff can get paw on." So Mel sleep with one eye open.

So Mel ask white lady "What is love?" and lady say "who is good boy?" and I say "MEL!" and she say "Good boy! Shake!" and Mel give her paw. And that seem okay. So then Mel think, white lady and chubby man-boy thing put Mel in jail not so long ago, and nobody there but many stupid dog who bark bark bark, and that kind of sucked. So no love, Mel think like laying on cement and having to listen to stupid dog bark bark bark all day. And Mel not sure when he escape, but Mel does, and then all better.

For cat, no love mean being chased away from cushion or pillow or blanket, and then maybe no love at all better.

So, Randy, if by love, you mean love blanket and pillow and stuffed hippo, then mel say, better never to love at all.

Jim Lee takes over art chores on Superman with issue #204 beginning in April. Lee is responsible for the greatest selling issues of X-Men ever, as well as the tremendous "Hush" storyline in Batman from last year.

Supergirl's introduction continues in Superman/ Batman #9 in April. I love Turner's art. I need to figure out what else the guy has done. (and, as my pal Erik "Zoomy" Zumalt pointed out, you can tell how crazy batman is by the length of his ears. Adam West... not so crazy...)

Maxwell writes:

Dear Melbotis,

My mother in law also writes an advice column. However, unlike your advice column, she has decided to let her other schizophrenic personalities join her in answering questions. I have noticed that your advice column is very successful, in some ways even more successful than my crazy mother in law's (and I mean "crazy" in the most endearing of ways. She does have three or four personalities, evidently.) own column. For instance, nobody writes to ask my mother in law for advice anymore, just one guy named Ryan who has been kind enough to send several questions. How does Melbotis manage to get so many questions? Also, can dogs be schizophrenic?

Thanks,

Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

How to get so many question? Mel think that many people not have fulfilling life like Mel and need guidance. And Dr. Phil much more difficult to get hold of.

But how answer so many question tricky part. Mel have very busy schedule! First, Mel go outside and poo and then lay down in grass. Then Mel lay there all day until white lady come home and pet me on head. THen I bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Later, Mel eat and wag tail. Then chubby man come home and pet Mel on head. Then chubby man goes into closet and change pants which is sight to behold. Then Mel follow man around house until man find Mel toy and shake it at Mel face and say "Here's your damn toy. Now will you piss off so I can sit down for two minutes?" So Mel try to play with toy and drop it on chubby man until he play with Mel. This consist of Mel trying to remove teeth by gripping tightly to toy while chubby man lean backward.

Then Mel go outside and bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Then white lady go to bed and Mel get milkbone and go outside.

How to keep schedule of answer question? Mel not sure, but it real pleasure. Also, cat is ghost writer.

Is dog schizophrenic? We not know.

Finally, an exercise show with people sharing my physique, but with no Richard Simmons!

Well done, pollsters. You saw this one coming a mile away.

It's not looking good for The League's candidate of choice, the Reverend Al Sharpton. We sincerely hope that the good Reverend is able to pull ahead in the late hours of voting/ caucusing (or whatever the hell those Iowans are doing). However, should the good Reverend flop in the primaries, we are also excited about the notion of the good Reverend appearing in a future installment of The Surreal Life, possibly with Carrot Top, Cameo and Jenny McCarthy. I can dream, can't I?