Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

Are you a Democrat or Republican? What's your stance on gay marriages?
Do
you think Kerry/Edwards/Sharpton has a snowball's chance in hell to
beat
Bush? Also, what's next week's lucky lotto numbers?


Thanks for your time,

Randy

Dear Randy,

Mel live in house where Mel get little say in matter. Often, Mel tries to see if he can have milkbone a it early because mel still hungry. So Mel look at man on couch and man look back at Mel and say "Oh, you're starving to death." and Mel say "yes!" but still no milkbone come. So Mel suspect that it not matter really what Mel think. Mel not going to get milkbone anyway. Mel clearly live in slave labor state, so is like asking if he labor or conservative party.

Mel not to sure about gay marriage. Mel only know marriage mostly involve debate over where to go for supper and a lot of rolling eyeball at one another. So if two men or two lady want to do that, good for them. Mel like to eat all alone. otherwise, Mel feel threatened and have to growl and eat at same time.

Mel still stand behind nice Sharpton man in bid for presidency. Sharpton man look like he might give Mel extra treat and pet Mel on head. Kerry man look like man who walk by and pretend not to see Mel. Mel think that dumb and so barkbarkbark at kerry man. He dumb. Edwards man is confusing to Mel. he seem like he might pet Mel, but not give Mel extra treat. mel used to live few miles from George Bush and he never come by. Mel say "Hey, dumb Bush man, come give Mel treat," but it do no good. Mel think that all things be equal, if Sharpton give everyone extra treat, then maybe he win.

Next week lucky lotto number are 1 and 2. That as high as Mel care to count. After two, mel lose track.

By the way Leaguers...

It turns out that if you accidentally let Tartar Control Listerine go down the wrong pipe, you will still be coughing more than 12 hours later. My co-worker speculates that I lightly damaged my lungs. HURRAY!!!!!!

The Onion presents us with this:

Transformer Refuses To Change Back Into Volkswagen
CYBOTRON—Following an intense battle with Megatron and his evil Decepticons Monday, former robot-in-disguise Bumblebee refused to revert to his natural state as a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. "I hid my existence in this world by taking the form of a vehicle! I revealed my true nature when I was called upon to protect earth!" said Bumblebee, a member of Optimus Prime's heroic Autobots force. "I refuse to change back into a humiliating bubble-shaped compact car!" Bumblebee added that Megatron arrived on earth with one goal: Destruction!

because America loves an underdog....

God bless you, Will Hung.

But for the Grace of God, there go I....

My brother, Defense Attorney and former philosophy major writes:

Dear Mel,

Are people innately good, sometimes making mistakes, or are they innately evil, acting like they are good only in order to get what they want?

jason

Dear Jason,

Mel have met many, many people. Maybe as many people as Mel have toes, and mel usually get petted on head by people and sometime they give Mel treat. In old house, Mel notice many little people who walk by house going one way in morning, going other way in evening. Little people would shout at Mel and bang on fence and so Mel know these people are evil because they not pet Mel or give him treat. But taller people who walk by give Mel pet or wave at Mel and say "hello, doggy!" so mel run up and down fence and say bark bark bark bark.
Also, mel not sure if people act to get what they want as people never want anything from Mel. But Mel know truck is eveil as truck want garbage and steal it every week no matter how much mel bark bark bark.

The saga of the couch continues as Jamie takes exception to how events were related (as she frequently does).

Jamie writes:

Dear Melbotis,

I would like to take the time to call bullshit on a particular part of the Tale of the Couch. In particular, the part where the League claims he was concerned about what would happen if we kept the leather loaner sofa:

"Knowing we had a cleared check and a new sofa en route, I took a moment to pause. "What are we going to do with the interim sofa?" I asked Jamie.
And we considered our many options, but what I DID NOT want to happen was for us to be tracked down in a year when we'd given the sofa away and were unable to retrieve the thing. Nor could we let them know we had it until we had received the new sofa.
Which arrived two weeks ahead of schedule on Friday.
"We need to return the interim sofa."
"I don't think they know we have it."
"We need to return it."
"Look, you take care of it."

I believe the conversation went a little more like:

The League: "Wow, they have no idea we have their couch. I am totally going to sell this to Juli for like 400 bucks."
Mrs. League: "I don't know if I'm comfortable with that, hon. It isn't our couch and I have this sinking feeling that if we do that, they're going to be taking inventory some day and come after us."
The League: "They will never remember we have this. Come on, be cool, baby."
Mrs. League: "I just can't do it. I'll be having constant nightmares about anthropomorphic leather couches."
The League: "Fine, but you have to deal with it."

Thanks for listening, Melbotis. You can go back to chewing on pig-head now.

Dear Jamie,

Mel not sure of exactly what happen, but Mel suspect you probably are wrong. Mel believe it went more like this:

The League: Dammit woman! We have to do what is right!
Mrs. League: I am so lazy, I can barely talk.
The League: Jamie, get off the couch so I can return it.
Mrs. League: No. Although I agree the couch is not suitable for this room or our tastes, I am sooooooo lazy, I plan to just lay here so we can't get rid of the couch. besides, we could probably sell this couch to a struggling immigrant family at an incredibly inflated price, thus taking all of their hard earned money and depriving them of a chance at the American Dream. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!
The LEague: I cannot stand idly by and allow you to continue to abuse immigrants! We're returning that couch, and you're going to call the Roomstore yourself!
Mrs. League: In the light of your unwavering righteous wisdom, I see the error of my ways. I shall call the Roomstore.
The League: I'm so proud of you and love you so much. Right, Melbotis?
Melbotis: Right, Ryan!
All Together: Ha ha ha ha ha...
(and... scene)

So, you see, Jamie. mel say there are many ways to perceive the events and how they happened. mel sad that your perception is so tragically incorrect.

Jack Kirby is now ten years gone. All Hail the King.