Minor delay in completing the Mellies as I don't have my Excel file on me.  Sorry.  Maybe tomorrow night.

In the meantime, thought I'd mention my new favorite movie:

From Justin to Kelly

This movie was meant squeeze the last cash out of the first season American Idol winner and runner-up.  Fortunately (I guess) Kelly Clarkson is still able to sell records to somebody out there, so it's not all a loss.  Unfortunately, Justin Guarini (the Justin of From Justin to Kelly, and first-runner up from AI Season 1) was already let go from his record contract after lackluster sales of his premier album. 

I had watched most of AI Season 1, and had not really supported either of the two finalists.

With that context in mind, From Justin to Kelly (henceforth FJTK) hit cable roughly... oh...  roughly six months after Guarini was back sacking groceries at the Winn-Dixie.  I hope he has a good broker.

This movie surpasses so many others in it's awesome badness.  Nothing is good in this movie.  Not the plot, not the script, not the concept, not the constumes, not the casting, not the dancing, the music or the lighting. 


The semitalented stars of AI light up the silver screen

The story, as I have pieced together from watching bits and pieces on cable, is this: 

Kelly comes to Florida for Spring Break from Texas (I'm not sure dissecting her decision to forego the equally popular Texas coast is necessary) in order to get away from, basically, Texas or the south or somewhere.  Rest assured, according to Hollywood, you MUST GET THE HELL OUT OF WHEREVER YOU ARE FROM AND GO TO WHERE THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ARE.  You know.  LA. 

I have to tell you, I watched a good chunk of this movie, and I got more out of the synopsis on the web-site about what was happening than anything I saw in the movie.  In fact, as lacking in plot as FJTK is, I wasn't really aware the characters were supposed to have any motivation.

But FJTK is nothing, if not a musical.  And it is nothing if not a poorly directed musical. 

The first sign of music that I recall is some really, really good rapping and beat boxing by Justin and his "Playah" friend with whom he has come to Florida.  While a family-friendly movie, the Playah is there to get laid, and his tools of the trade are about as refined as those of Grease's T-Birds.  The largest danger is not that your kid is going to learn something he shouldn't from this movie, but that your kid will believe he or she will ever be able to talk to anybody like this without getting punched in the crotch.  Because this guy seriously needs to be punched in the crotch.

Now, Kelly's introduction bears what will most surely be a controversial criticism, but a criticism nonetheless. 

Kelly Clarkson is a lovely girl, pie-faced though she might be, and she is a decent singer and dancer and blah blah blah.

Kelly is also the least attractive girl to appear in the movie, and not the strongest singer. 

I don't know where they cast this movie, but every character in the cast is camera/ swimsuit friendly, can dance their pants off (the choreography being what it is), and can sing like a pro.  Except for, sadly, our friend Kelly Clarkson.  Who is lovely.  But with the rest of the cast uniformly beautiful and synchronized, Kelly's Elaine-like dancing and "prettiest girl at her 2A school" looks, it's kind of... sad.

Especially as, after tossing off all of her opening lines about not needing a guy, or doubting she'll meet one or blah blah blah "look what a normal, chaste girl I am", Clarkson then leads everyone on the beach in some dirty dancing involving beach balls and lots of hip grinding. 

At this point, I might add that Justin Guarini is also not, exactly text-bbok attractive, and he sort of acts like an ass throughout the film, so why Kelly is so interested in Justin is impossible to determine.  It might help to know that Justin gets into a fight with Kelly's Texas boyfriend (who wears a ten-gallon hat), and the dispute is resolved with a jet-ski race.  I might add that this is how the Steans clan likes to resolve it's difficulties.  So don't piss me off, lest I RACE YOUR ASS.

Anyway, Kelly kind of meets Justin, gets shy and...  you know... the plot is totally irrelevant and involves a lot of text-messaging.  And dancing.  Lots of bad dancing and worse singing.  And I probably wouldn't have noticed that they used the same twenty dancers, except one dancer has neon red-hair, as if to say "look, I may not be all that talented, but I'm interesting to look at, and I know this movie is going to suck, but I want to be able to point myself out easily when I rent the DVD". 

The movie ends with Justin and Kelly finding each other on the beach and...  Jesus, does it really matter?  Anyway, they sing and dance to their own unique cover of "That's the Way (Uh-huh Uh-huh) I Like it (Uh-huh Uh-huh)" to end the movie. 

But the real question remains:  What, exactly, is being given from Justin to Kelly?  The AI crown?  The chance to look less ridiculous than himself in a movie?  Or, God forbid, his sweet, sweet lovin'?  We may never know.  And we may not want to.   

Wow.  What a great movie.  It's too bad it signals the end of all that it is good.

BTW,

LANCE ARMSTRONG WON THE TOUR DE FRANCE

FOR THE 6th TIME IN A ROW

 
Go, Lance!

Upon Randy's advice, I have switched from Squawkbox to Haloscan.

All is going swimmingly.

All my old comments are gone.  Hope you wrote down and saved anything you said you found particularly clever.

I shouldn't admit this, but I'm watching the early 80's movie of Annie with Aileen Quinn.  What the heck ever happened to Aileen Quinn?  And if I am not mistaken, FDR just leapt out of his wheelchair to sing "Tomorrow" with Annie, Eleanor and Daddy Warbucks.

This movie rules.

Oh, Randy.  I bought that Eightball comic.  It was pretty good.

May I recommend Napolean Dynamite?

I leave Leaguers to go off and discover this one on their own, but I seriously don't think I ever quit laughing during the entire length of this movie from the opening credits until the last frame.

And I don't know who the actors are who played Napolean and Pedro, but these guys are geniuses.   And watching this film, once again, I was forced to say it:

there, but for the Grace of God, go I...


This movie is sweet.

It's SHARK WEEK on Discovery.

Damn.  I haven't kept up with Shark Week in years, but there was a time (in the early 90's...  must have been late high school or early college...) when I tuned in to every night of Shark Week for several years in a row. 

I drifted away at some point as they began to recycle old docs from previous years...  but now I'm watching Primal Scream, and this show is freaking me out. 

I took Scuba lessons in middle-school and did some diving between middle-school and early college.  And ever since I started diving, one of my two or three recurring anxiety dreams has involved being trapped in an enclosed structure with a scuba tank, very little air, and a large shark who hasn't yet realized I'm hiding in the corner.  Lately, the dream takes place in open water (which is, coincidentally, the name of a new scary movie about this exact topic). 

I don't think that I ever die in the dream, but who knows? 

What does the dream symbolize?  I think it's my fear that the Austin Public Library will come find me for not returning that book on trains I checked out in 1996.

The 2004 Mellies!  Day Numero Four!

Sorry for the break in Melly postings.  We've had some recent turns of events in La Familia which were unfortunate, unavoidable and not a lot of fun.  This has also interrupted my workout schedule.  Which meant that tonight was my frist trip back in a week.  Tonight sucked.  It's like starting all over.

Must never miss a whole week again.

I may be switching to Haloscan as per the recommendation of RHPT.com.  RHPT.com is wise like Papa Smurf.

Anyway, on with the show!


Best television commercial

Jim D.

The trailer for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Jamie

The ING commercial with the talking kitties.  Because one of them is wearing a monacle

Jilly

the master card ads with the dog that looks like my dog

Randy

No answer

Maxwell

The Six Feet Under Promo featuring the amazing Nina Simone, the Red-hot Lauren Ambrose on roller skates, and Peter Krause x 2. 

Scaljon

isn't there a good one with monkeys out there now? if not, then we'll go old school with the Mssr. Cheppy e-trade ad.

Harms

iPod ads. They have defined a whole decor motif, launched a thousand parodies, and launched the careers of several artists. Even if you don't like them they have been incredibly influential.

Valdez

This Honda commerical. According to numerous websites, this ad was shot in one take. Not true. My sister works for The Mill, who did the post-production effects.

Nord

a.  http://www.fuckallyall.com/article2007.html  b. The Screaming Kid in the Grocery Store Birth Control Commercial

The League watches TV, too...

and yet a single commerical from the past six months doesn't really pop into my mind.  I mean, the Quizno's Sponge Monkeys had a certain je ne sais quoi, but those commercials appeared terribly ineefectual, and weren't my favorite ads. 

I guess the Dennis Haybert Allstate ads qualify as pretty high up there, as they did lead The League to throw our endorsement behind the man for POTUS.  But, again...  not my favorite ads.

Go here to see my favorite commercials.

Oh, and, uh...  since there's no plurality or anything for a winner, I say that Scaljon's answer wins as it shows not his desire for an actual product, but his desire for a certain, chimpy, form of salesmanship.

Clearest, bluest day

Jim D.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 - At 4:45 p.m. CST, on this day, my niece, Olivia Alexandra Dedman, was born in Columbia, South Carolina

Jamie

May 8.  Because it was so clear that I almost passed out at the animal park

Jilly

The day I realized that, indeed, Ryan 2 would be the perfect name for our child. In fact, the name will be Ryan 2 Jamie Steans Hermann-Wilmarth. Regardless of sex, of course.

Randy

No answer

Maxwell

June 8, 2004. For Art and Mudpies out of the clear blue sky

Scaljon

day after i was accepted to law school

Harms

In Northern California all the days ending with "day" are clear and blue.  A day that was particularly good was the day at Bondi when I caught my first real wave and rode it all the way to the shore with a few sweet turns. 

Valdez

No Answer

Nord

a. April 3, 2004. Although it was a bit cloudy in Central Park, 'tis a day that will shine forever.  b. Sunday, May 31, 2004. A wonderful 2 hour round of golf. 

It's always blue in Arizona...  and The League thinks that's half the trouble...

Sunshine has come to mean grueling heat in the mind of The League.  It means it's hot as hell between May and October (although I might say that, as I type this, it just began to rain).

My clearest, bluest day...?  I dunno.  But every day is clear and blue when Jamie is around.

 
Best candy

Jim D.

Tear Jerker Sour Gumballs

Jamie

Hot Tamales

Jilly

sweet tarts--satisfy all of my pregnancy cravings

Randy

No answer

Maxwell

Jason Lewis. Yummy.

Scaljon

jujy fruit.

Harms

Sour gummy peaches - so tangy, so sweet, so citric.  Keeps scurvy away - Arr!

Valdez

No Answer

Nord

a. M&Ms.  b. Whatchamacalit 

The League

Hot Tamales, fool! 

But I gotta say, this inspires me to try the few on this list I haven't yet tried.

Especially Gummy Peaches, which sound like either they'd be real good or real bad.

 

I loves me some Watchmen. 

This seminal 80's comic (by comic legend Alan Moore and artist extraordinaire Dave Gibbons) is one of the two or three comics that journalistas trot out each time they want to point to the fact that, once and for all, comics have matured since 1955.

I pulled this from Superhero Hype!

The Hollywood Reporter says Watchmen is moving ahead with some big names at Paramount..."Watchmen," the seminal DC Comics limited series, has landed at Paramount Pictures. Darren Aronofsky will develop and direct the project, which is being written by David Hayter. Aronofsky's producing partner Eric Watson will produce with Larry Gordon and Lloyd Levin. "Watchmen," created by writer Alan Moore and artist Dave Gibbons, was released as a 12-issue comic book in 1986 and is one of the most critically acclaimed series in the genre. It is a crime-conspiracy story that provided the first realistic look at the behind-the-heroics lives of superhero archetypes.
 
Watchmen is a phenomenal comic book, but...

Watchmen is about retired superheroes.  It has absolutely no action to speak of.   I think there are five or six fights in 12 issues.  And only one of the characters has any "super-powers." 

Like any decently dense reading, I don't begin to see how they can condense this into a 2 hour movie.  At one point, Jim D. suggested to me it might make for an excellent mini-series for TV.  And I think that's probably a much, much better idea. 

The story criss-crosses about forty years, is deeply embedded in Cold War issues, and covers topics from quantum physics to McCarthyism to pirate comics to troubled marriages.  Not exactly "We must defeat the Masked Menace!"  This is not to mention how curious I am about how they would handle the conclusion of the story.

Film adaptations of Moore's work tend to fail.  From Hell was a slightly interesting movie, but failed to capture Moore's densely layered investigation into the period and environment surrounding the Jack the Ripper slayings.  From all accounts, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen was a tragic mistake.  I loved the comic, and thusly avoided the movie (which has nothing to do with the comic, from what I hear). 

Cartoon Network is adapting the classic Superman story "For the Man who has Everything" for one of the first episodes of the new Justice League Unlimited series.  I certainly look forward to their treatment.

I have no faith in Paramount's ability to actually bring anything remotely faithful regarding Watchmen to the screen (just watch...  they're going to make Dr. Manhattan wear clothes...).  Nonetheless, I am deadly curious about how they plan to present Dr. Manhattan and Rorschach. 

But, hey, Paramount!  Given my physical fitness, sign me up to play Nite-Owl!  I'll do it for scale!