Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Hello Melbotis:

Thank you for taking the time to contact McDonald's.

You may be interested to know that "fruit buzz" is just an advertising slogan that is associated with eating the Fruit and Walnut Salad. We're sorry if you are disappointed with this commercial. We take pride in producing commercial messages that will be enjoyed. We certainly never intended for it to offend anyone. Your comments have been shared with our advertising staff and independent advertising agency who work together to develop our commercials. Please know your feedback is helpful and will be considered in the future planning of our commercials.


Again, thank you for taking the time to share your feedback with us. Your trust and confidence in our company's tradition of producing high quality advertising are important to us.

(name withheld)


McDonald's Customer Response Centerref#:2849033

The League has resubmitted his original question to the nutrition group at McDonalds, but has not yet given up on holding a conversation with McDonald's regarding their ad campaign. The League has a sneaking suspicion that the responder located The League before replying as she did not even TRY to address the concerns of The League.

The League writes:

RE: McDonald's Customer Response Centerref#:2849033
Dear McDonald's,

As a longtime customer of your restaurants, I confess to being more than a little disappointed to learn from your customer service rep that "You may be interested to know that "fruit buzz" is just an advertising slogan that is associated with eating the Fruit and Walnut Salad." And, then, of course, the inevitable form letter.

If no "buzz" is to be gotten from consuming the salad, as advertised, I have a difficult time understanding what, exactly, it is you are marketing. I would like a full description of how McDonald's Restaurants defines a "fruit buzz."

Further, I am incensed that you have refused to address concerns noted in my previous correspondence.

Sincerely,

Melbotis Steans

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The League presents:
Suggestions for Further Reading

Batman and Me

Superman may be the superhero about whom The League harbors a pathological obsession. But it wasn't always that way.

It's the battle of nature vs. nurture trying to decide how The League became interested in superheroes. In truth, the fascination goes back to well before The League has any true recollection. But we've heard in anecdote and seen in snapshots the early signs of trouble.

I kid you not, my first word was "Batman."

At least this is the story passed down over the years in the Steans Clan. The baby-book speaks a different story. It claims I said, "Mom" first, but when you ask the woman herself, she always says, "I don't remember that. I remember 'matman'."

Matman, indeed.

This tale has been verified through a cousin. My dad claims little or no memory of actual first words. However, evidence suggests that even if it wasn't the first word, it was the first interest.

With a blanket tied around my neck and a pacifier in my mouth, apparently I patrolled the hallways of our apartment. The inspiration, of course, was the Adam West starring Batman television program (1966), then running in syndication.


Why, yes, Commissioner. He has no idea the show is supposed to be funny. He's 2.

Simultaneously, both Superfriends and a Batman cartoon were running on Saturday mornings.

The League only vaguely remembers the Batman cartoon running at the time. It played with Tarzan and The Lone Ranger as an hour of action.


Batman flees in fear from his own car.

Batman in the Superfriends cartoon seemed to be in a tough spot. With Wonder Woman, Green Lantern and others covering all the heavy lifting, usually it was up to Batman and Robin to sort of stand around and lose their utility belts whenever a villain showed. Batman was sort of prone to speechifying, but he had an endless supply of vehicles and gadgets, and the other heroes seemed to take him fairly seriously.


The Superfriends... a friendship which seemed sort of forced in order to keep their PR people happy.

I had a Batman costume for Halloween when I was 3 or 4. My mom dutifully tied the highly flammable plastic sack over my clothes and allowed me to wander into traffic, peering through the narrow slits of a scratchy, plastic mask.

When not in full Halloween mode, I had an everyday Batman cape I could wear playing in the yard or basement. My Grandma had somewhere found an iron-on of a Neal Adams inspired Batman and had fixed it to the back of the cape.

I continued to watch the Superfriends cartoon until it ran it's course and was eventually replaced with something like Hammerman. I don't really recall.

In second grade I received a Fisher Price tape player and a book/ tape combination of Batman and Robin in "The Case of the Laughing Sphinx". The art in the book was actually top-flight comic art by Carmine Infantino, I believe, and was actually well voice-acted. In addition, the story contained not just Robin's origin (which some poor voice actor had to play), but also several major players in Batman's Rogues Gallery. Robin's origin is dramatic, sad, and oddly dated. His parents were circus acrobats killed by some crooks shaking down the circus they worked for. Anyway, it's probably too complicated to go into here.

We'd had a storybook record of Batman back in the day, but I don't remember much about it. I sort of wonder if it's still under my parents TV tucked in with the other vinyl.

In third grade my parents bought me a Batman comic book. I think he was fighting some guy who had hi-jacked a dirigible. What I remember most was that Batman said, "damn." I can't tell you how much this jacked with my head. Batman was the nice guy who hung around with an idiot teen-ager in swim trunks. At my house you ate a bar of soap for calling somebody "dummy" in front of my parents, so I was utterly unprepared for Batman to drop the "d-bomb" in the course of a crime involving a large balloon.

It was not until years later that I would again pick up a Batman comic.

But in middle-school I began picking up issues of Detective Comics and Batman, published by DC. I was fascinated by the sharp, angular art of Norm Breyfogle and the punchy writing of Alan Grant.


I think the scene on the cover never really happens. In fact, I think Robin (Jason Todd) was dead at this point.

As if this wasn't all enough, at some point I picked up a copy of Frank Miller's genre-defining work, The Dark Knight Returns.


Batman and Robin (Carrie Kelly) are takin' it to the street...

An "imaginary" story of Batman, aged 55 and 10 years retired from crime-fighting, Dark Knight Returns re-imagined Batman as a man truly possessed. The series redefined Batman as the grim, relentless bone-breaker that carries through to today's comics.

The series did little to draw in new fans of Superman, painting him as a stooge for a corrupt authority (an idea rectified with a vengeance in the sequel, The Dark Knight Strikes Again).


Bruce and Clark debate the finer points of over-sized golf shoes.

I went nuts.

Suddenly I was wearing a Batman shirt to school two days a week (out of my rotation of 5-6 Batman shirts). I drew Batman on book covers, on folders, in the margins of notes in class. I spouted off Batman trivia as often as possible and planned my own Batcave.

And, lucky for me, right around this time Tim Burton released his movie version of "Batman" starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson.


So very hard to fight crime in a neck brace...

This led to a common scene in the six months leading up to the movie as my classmates approached me in the hall to inform me, "Hey, they're making a Batman movie. Did you know that?"

Yes. Yes, I did.

I returned home from basketball camp the day the movie was released. Even on the way home I was informed Peabo's mother had gone out and bought us tickets for the 7:00 show at Barton Creek Mall.

My mother, who had less superheroic priorities, insisted I mow the lawn before leaving. I literally ran, pushing the lawn mower, finishing mowing the lawn in record time. Even Jason was impressed.

Of course, I lacked anything like objectivity, declared it the greatest monument of human achievement, and saw the movie four more times in the theater that summer.


a 14-year old League knew that criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot

Special thanks to Jeff and Sandy Beno for supplying this pic. They sent it in this year's Christmas card. Peabo, Reedo and Steanso will remember this era all too well


In high school I went underground with my Batmania. Something finally clicked between my ears that informed me that maybe girls weren't as nuts about a man in tights and his young ward as I might be.

My high-school girlfriend was a sport and saw "Batman Returns" with me.

I was still picking up the comics, but not on a monthly basis anymore. Just when villains, artists, etc... struck my fancy.


Just giving me some really unrealistic expectations of what girls were going to be like after high school...

At this point, Bruce Timm and Paul Dini launched Batman: The Animated Series, a series which dug into the purest elements of the Batman comics ever brought to screen. Initially, I had assumed that the series would be a kids show bent on selling toys, but, instead, each episode was an intricately crafted Batman story.


Batman realizes he has the world's most obnoxious beeper.

Most interesting about the Batman Animated Series is that it tied directly in with the later Superman Animated Series, Batman/ Superman Adventures and later Justice League and Justice League Unlimited. In total, this televised portrayal of Batman has been guided by roughly the same creative voices since about 1992.

In college I still picked up Batman books, and somewhere located a map of the Batcave that, for some reason, I pinned to my dorm room wall. It was like instant girl repellent, but it did help me to quickly sort through which girls I was going to want to deal with.

I suffered through the Joel Schumacher movies, Batman Forever and Batman and Robin.

Jamie seemed to tolerate Batman fairly early on, and, just a year after we began dating, actually read "Dark Knight Returns" in its entirety. Thus winning the approval of The League's sizable inner-child. Most importantly, she didn't just read the comic, she actually engaged in an interesting discussion with me after she had finished the comic.

Can't tell you how important that was.

To this day, Jamie continues to watch the Batman cartoons on DVD when i watch them. She knows the schedule for JLU air dates. And in 1999, she was Catwoman for Halloween.


Roar?

I now have about three long boxes full of Batman comics, having jumped fully back into the Batcomics once more in 2000. This is not to mention a shelf-full of Batman collections. League HQ is also home to a large collection of Batman toys, models and a growing Batmobile collection, several movies on DVD, as well as the animated series on DVD. In truth, The League sees no end in sight to an ever-growing appreciation of the Dark Knight Detective.

Of course we're both super-psyched for the new Batman Begins film, opening on Wednesday. Jamie is probably more excited about Christian Bale zipping about than I am, but we agree that this is the Batmovie we've been waiting for.

If reviews trickling in are any indication, no Loyal Leaguer shall be disappointed.






For prior editions of Suggestions for Further Reading, you can click here.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Steven G. Harms is a genius.

Recently, The League has been severely annoyed at McDonalds' advertising of a promised "fruit buzz" from eating the fruit cup they've begun to schill in the wake of the SuperSize Me phenomena.

Being McDonalds, it's not enough that it's a cup of fruit. It also contains "candied walnuts".

From the McDonalds' website:

Fruit & Walnut Salad:
Apple Slices and Red Grapes, Low Fat Yogurt, Candied Walnuts


My question is, of course, what is a "fruit buzz?" Is it the feeling you get in your body when you are no longer filling it with happy meals?

Steven had other well-deserved gripes concerning the quality of McDonalds' advertising, and sent them a letter.

And, McDonalds, terrified of losing one customer to Captain D's, I guess, wrote back.

The League LOVES when low-paid mouth-pieces are forced to write-back about consumer questions. We also like to call the phone numbers on toothpaste tubes and soda cans in order to find out what info they can reveal about the product.

It appears that McDonalds is directly attacking questions regarding their product by pointing to "flawed science" in "SuperSize Me." Of course, it's not really what Steven was asking about, and I'm not really concerned about getting fat from fruit-cups. What I am concerned about is getting addicted to the emotional high resultant to the fruitbuzz experience.

So, Melbotis sat down and penned a letter to Mickey D's.


Dear McDonalds Restaurants,

I have recently begun to follow health standards proposed by McDonald’s and the Food and Drug Administration. Coincidentally, McDonalds has also taken steps to provide choices which appeal to me as health-conscious consumer.

However, I am concerned by the advertised “Fruit Buzz” affect touted by your advertising and attributed to the fruit cup.

Unfortunately, I am not entirely clear on how the fruit cup is considered to be entirely fruit. I have noticed that McDonalds has chosen to include sugar-coated nuts in the fruit cup, as well as some sort of cream which covers the fruit.

Is the promised “fruit buzz” delivered by the fruit itself, or does the sugar covering the nuts, or, alternatively, the creamy sauce on the fruit, provide the “fruit buzz.”

Perhaps I am unclear as to what you might mean by ‘buzz.” I am forced to assume that the promised buzz is engendered by a state of well-being artificially induced by a chemical change in the consumer’s make-up brought on by ingestion of the fruit cup. Such as, “I drank that six-pack of Pabst, and now I am enjoying an excellent ‘buzz’.”

My question is two-fold.

1) Is it reasonable to assume that instead of consuming alcohol and other drugs in the future, I will reach a similar state by merely digesting a fruit cup?
2) If so, as a recovering alcoholic, do I need to worry about an addiction to the promised highs related to the fruit cup?

In the past I have enjoyed fruit in many different forms. Dried. Baked. Fresh. Canned. Pickled. Roasted. At times, the fruit would even be accompanied by a side-dish of cream or embedded in a mold of Jell-o. At no time did I experience anything like the “buzz” I experienced while I was drinking.

I would like to know how the McDonalds fruitcup is different, and what physiological effects I can expect.

Your loyal customer,


Melbotis Steans
Nancy Grace is going to go apeshit.


Sunday, June 12, 2005

SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!!
SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!!
SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!!
SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!! SPURS WIN!!!!

Saturday, June 11, 2005

So, The League returns from Vegas.

The League's last visit to Vegas bridged 9-11-2001.
During a visit which occured prior to 9-11, I was watching CNN with a co-worker while Harris and Klebold changed what it meant to go to high school.

So, you know, The League was sort of wondering what national tragedy was going to light up the headlines while we were away. Looks like we got off lucky.

In truth, it was a very un-Vegasish Vegas trip. No walking of the Strip or Freemont street. Virtually no gambling. No shows. Only a handful of hookers and drug deals gone bad.

Due to circumstances beyond The League's control, instead of leaving Tuesday after work as planned, The League didn't get out until Wednesday morning.

On the flight, I was trying to mind my own business and read my book, and ended up sitting next to a guy hitting on a married woman for the entire duration of the flight. Even more creepy, I think she was going for it to some extent. Both were dumb as dirt, and the woman made it very clear she'd spent her adult life living off of a series of wealthy men while the guy lied about being in the Marines (I'd heard him talk about his 2003 discharge on my way down the ramp to the plane).

Conference was nice. Took place at the Hilton and the Convention Center. Ran into folks from my employing university and a few other folks I know.

The League was nominated for an award, but we lost. The pain quickly subsided as The League's evening was paid for by the company sponsoring the awards in the first place. First, we watched the Spurs defeat the mighty Pistons in a hard-fought contest and drank a lot of beer. Then we moved on to a steak house which looked like a cheesy set from Miami Vice and had a really good meal and some wine. Then we went to the Ghost Bar atop The Palms casino.

You know, it doesn't matter how much money you spend or how how much time has passed. I always feel like odd-man out at the 8th-grade dance when I go to a club. It just makes me want to crawl out of my skin. The League has a few social issues he's working on, but large crowds and having to scream to be heard makes us want to run for our life.

I stayed down at the far-end of The Strip, and the truth is, Circus Circus is a really weird place. It's not a high-end expensive-type place like the Bellagio, and it draws a different clientele. Nice folks. Less flashy. Folks who enjoy a good clown-theme when they see one.

Vegas, itself, smells bad. It's a city which makes money off of getting as dirty as possible 24 hours a day. The air in the casinos smells awful and is weird and recycled. I'd say it's what the guys must be breathing on the ISS, but astronauts don't contend with millions of retirees puffing on their Kools. Outside, once it gets a might-bit warm, it always sort os smells like someone might have cut one just and you walked right into it. I can only guess where the smell comes from, and it seems confined to the far-end of The Strip. But it's there.

Today The League conferenced again. Then we went to the midway at Circus Circus for about an hour, then we flew away. Luckily, this time I sat with a 10 year old girl who spoke no english, but was really very nice. We looked at the SkyMall catalog together and she told me about a few products in Spanish. She wound up getting the stuffed dog I won for Jamie on the midway for not being obnoxious like the folks on my flight in.

My folks are in tomorrow.

Gotta go check e-mail.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Some odds and ends before I depart:

1) While not a contest, Leaguers sent in some great names for Nathan's new blog.

We now have:

Attack of the Cones
Send in the Cones
Mr. Blog
Nathan's New Groove
Corn!
The Wrath of Cone
Coneferous

And my personal favorite: The DaVinci Cone

I do believe this one somehow crossed the line from giddy silliness to certain sublime absurdity. Is Nathan the sacred feminine? An inverted Cone, if you will?

Nathan has suggested, himself: I Like Cold Water

This title also seems like a good fit for Nathan. Of course, there is no guarantee of a blog appearing at all, but I think Nathan has to be happy to know that maybe he'd get some spillover readers from The League if he did, indeed, launch his own journal. That, and Nathan routinely broadcasts his own voice to the greater San Antonio area, so he's got a better chance at drawing folks in. This is in contrast to The League who can't even keep the attention of a puppy.


2) Heroes and Villains

I felt as if we had acceptable participation in the "who do you like for a villain" sweepstakes.

Jim felt the need to bring up MadCap, and has been dealt with. The very fact that I can't find a decent bit of reference on MadCap should tell you something.

The League will be working on a Top 10 villain countdown. We may even do a top 10 Marvel Villain AND a Top 10 DC villain countdown. But that all depends on comments posted below.


3) Site redesign

So, what do you chumps think? Telling you guys how long this took would be totally embarassing as it would reveal exaclty how much I don't know about html.

You may recall the former color-scheme. Some time ago, when we were ready to leap head-first into blogging, The League had sort of picked the least offensive template we could find and just stuckw ith it. But recently, we'd begun to feel a little down about an orange, red and green scheme. It just didn't scream "HEY, KIDS! COMICS!" Also, the many, many items tossed into the html gutters around the daily copy had sort of left The League feeling as if the site was looking like a yard sale.

So, anyway, MAKEOVER!!! (You must all find a copy of Clone High, Season 1. Do it now.)

Masters of site design, Jim D. and RHPT, have been making suggestions. I've taken them all under consideration, and the ideas have really worked. I think. Randy's suggestion to make all of the text scrolling blink tags is still in the works. You can expect to see animated gifs of torches here soon.


4) Saw Madagascar this weekend. I wasn't expecting much, but it was pretty funny. Most kids' movies have a sort of sappy moral homily buried under the fart jokes and grannies falling down. Madagascar is mostly moral-lesson free. That is, unless you want for your kids to be prepared with a moral compass should you guys ever get stuck on a trip and suddenly you realize your dinner reservations are under "Donner, party of four... no, three!".

Anyway, maybe not something for which you'd pay full-price, but it's a decent renter, or maybe worth matinee price.


5) Batman Begins was screened at a comic convention in Philadelphia. Reviews have been universally glowing, which is extremely rare in the nitpicky world of comic geeks.

I'm excited. Expect a full "Batman and Me" post in the near future.


6) I read "Mage: The Hero Discovered" over the weekend. While aspects of 80's comic storytelling linger, it's an enjoyable read with classic Matt Wagner art. I kept thinking Jason would have liked this series during it's initial run, and I'm not sure how he missed it.




7) Ring a ding-ding

Off to Vegas. Jim D. called to let me know of a targeting range off the Strip which works on an hourly rate. Apparently, under close supervision, one can rent an M-16, an uzi, or any number of firearms. Then, one buys a box of ammunition and unleashes a lot of frustration upon a helpess paper target.

The League isn't nuts about guns in general, but this, Leaguers, sounds right up our alley.

Also, Lt. LT chimed with some Las Vegas ideas. Well, one idea: El Cortez Casino. Sounds like exactly The League's sort of place. Not much appears to have been updated since the El Cortez's booming 1960's success. If the low-fi website is any indication, it seems a swell time.

8) Return to Comics must be reading The League. Which is good. We're reading Return to Comics, and we highly recommend it.

Return To Comics also brought up Halo, who The League probably had some sort of twisted crush on back in the mid-80's. Alas, Halo was much older than me, sort of dead/ sort of a cosmic entity, and a fictional character. It just didn't work out.


It was the 80's. I was 11. I have no further explanation.


9) The League was meaning to react (or, more accurately, opine) to The Beat's recent postings about the perception of women in comic books as well as the role of women working in the comics industry.

here

and here

I do want to get to this, because I do think it's an important topic and not much discussed. When it is discussed, the topic of women in comics is usually addressed on comic fan sites and message boards with all the maturity you would expect out of grown men who think they can never get too close to anyone, because if their enemies ever learned who they really were...

But rather than dwell for too long on social issues, The League turns to the schadenfreude you've come to love and respect.

Here, Heidi notices The Invisible Girl is wearing an invisible dress. This one's for Jason.


10) Ya'll entertain yourself while The League is away. Mayhaps Mrs. League will materialize and fill in for The League while he confers with other folks working in his exciting new field. (Apparently if I can get five of MY friends to sell these exciting products, and they can each get five of THEIR friends to sell these exciting products...)