League of Melbotis

Steven G. Harms is a genius.

Recently, The League has been severely annoyed at McDonalds' advertising of a promised "fruit buzz" from eating the fruit cup they've begun to schill in the wake of the SuperSize Me phenomena.

Being McDonalds, it's not enough that it's a cup of fruit. It also contains "candied walnuts".

From the McDonalds' website:

Fruit & Walnut Salad:
Apple Slices and Red Grapes, Low Fat Yogurt, Candied Walnuts

My question is, of course, what is a "fruit buzz?" Is it the feeling you get in your body when you are no longer filling it with happy meals?

Steven had other well-deserved gripes concerning the quality of McDonalds' advertising, and sent them a letter.

And, McDonalds, terrified of losing one customer to Captain D's, I guess, wrote back.

The League LOVES when low-paid mouth-pieces are forced to write-back about consumer questions. We also like to call the phone numbers on toothpaste tubes and soda cans in order to find out what info they can reveal about the product.

It appears that McDonalds is directly attacking questions regarding their product by pointing to "flawed science" in "SuperSize Me." Of course, it's not really what Steven was asking about, and I'm not really concerned about getting fat from fruit-cups. What I am concerned about is getting addicted to the emotional high resultant to the fruitbuzz experience.

So, Melbotis sat down and penned a letter to Mickey D's.


Dear McDonalds Restaurants,

I have recently begun to follow health standards proposed by McDonald’s and the Food and Drug Administration. Coincidentally, McDonalds has also taken steps to provide choices which appeal to me as health-conscious consumer.

However, I am concerned by the advertised “Fruit Buzz” affect touted by your advertising and attributed to the fruit cup.

Unfortunately, I am not entirely clear on how the fruit cup is considered to be entirely fruit. I have noticed that McDonalds has chosen to include sugar-coated nuts in the fruit cup, as well as some sort of cream which covers the fruit.

Is the promised “fruit buzz” delivered by the fruit itself, or does the sugar covering the nuts, or, alternatively, the creamy sauce on the fruit, provide the “fruit buzz.”

Perhaps I am unclear as to what you might mean by ‘buzz.” I am forced to assume that the promised buzz is engendered by a state of well-being artificially induced by a chemical change in the consumer’s make-up brought on by ingestion of the fruit cup. Such as, “I drank that six-pack of Pabst, and now I am enjoying an excellent ‘buzz’.”

My question is two-fold.

1) Is it reasonable to assume that instead of consuming alcohol and other drugs in the future, I will reach a similar state by merely digesting a fruit cup?
2) If so, as a recovering alcoholic, do I need to worry about an addiction to the promised highs related to the fruit cup?

In the past I have enjoyed fruit in many different forms. Dried. Baked. Fresh. Canned. Pickled. Roasted. At times, the fruit would even be accompanied by a side-dish of cream or embedded in a mold of Jell-o. At no time did I experience anything like the “buzz” I experienced while I was drinking.

I would like to know how the McDonalds fruitcup is different, and what physiological effects I can expect.

Your loyal customer,


Melbotis Steans