Randy wirtes:

Dear Mel,

What's Ryan and Jamie Steans really like? Is the irreverant, off-beat humour Ryan presents in his blog merely a front for somethng more sinister? What kind of evil lie in their hearts?

Keep barking!

Randy

Randy,

Me am so glad you kick off Ask Melbotis! question column with serious intellectual challenge! Mel also impressed with inappropriate use of plural/ non-plural in your question. So! What am Ryan and Jamie really like? Ryan is like stinky recliner and Jamie is like big white squirrel with no tail. Hello! Where is the ball? Hello! But to point... am Ryan sinister instead off-beat humor? Where is ball? Hello, ball. Is treat time? Hello! Is man-chair and white squirrel sinister? Possibly. Sometime they go off to outer space and leave me in house or yard until sun come back down and then I bark bark bark bark and birds poop on tree. Good-bye.

Ask Melbotis!!!

hey, kids!

If earning a Melly isn't your bag, and you feel you have more questions than answers, Melbotis is now here to solve your riddles and fill in those troublesome gaps public education was unable to properly caulk up.

Romantic trouble? Difficulties in the workplace? Need help sorting out a thorny legal issue? Melbotis is your dog!



Mel has seen a lot of the world, and he's met a lot of people. And, honestly, he's got a lot of sage wisdom I can't utilize all for myself.

So, if you have a question and you don't mind seeing it printed in these pages with a full answer to your question, why don't you write to Melbotis? He'd love to hear from you and he'd love to expound upon the many, many topics of which he is an expert.

(disclaimer: Melbotis's answers come from the mind of a dog which thinks anything beyond the fence is outer space. Legal advice is for entertainment purposes only.)

In the wake of the Holiday Absoludicrous Media Contest, I have decided that maybe no prize is better than a dumb prize. or maybe not. Anyway, Marvel comics (home of Spider-man, Daredevil, Hulk and Captain America) has long given out the fabled "No Prize." It's essentially a prize for folks who spotted a mistake, could answer some trivia, etc... but they weren't going to win anything for it, just some recognition. Superman comics long handed out the "Baldies" which I assume were named after Lex Luthor's difficulties at the barber shop.

Henceforth, I am handing out "Mellies". To win a "Melly", all you need to do is answer trivia, point out where I'm wrong, or somehow otherwise earn the attention of the League for a few moments.

THe first Melly up for grabs goes to the person who first can tell me what the hell is going on in this photo.
(hint: it's great these guys show up before a crisis, but where are they afterward?)

Oh, we got in our new PC last night. It's kind of exciting. It was also really nice that, since we bought it from Dell instead of building something ourselves, the whole thing was pretty much ready to roll when we opened the box.

In a long list of questionable purchases, most recent was the comedy album by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. It's not that I really regret purchasing the album, it's more that the album makes me feel like I'm in 7th grade, wishing to god Mom doesn't bust in and hear all that filthy talk. This sort of thing used to be reserved for late night viewing of Eddie Murphy specials, Richard Pryor videos and the occasionally unsurfaced Redd Fox record.

We didn't use a lot of profanity in my house. In fact, "sucks" was not considered acceptable until i was in 9th grade. Mom broke the ice one spirng evening when, while on a phone call, I heard her say "I thought she was going to shit a brick." Well, from there the floodgates opened, and the Steans household has slowly become potty mouth central. We don't drop the F-Bomb, and taking the Lord's name in vain is still frowned upon (but will rarely actually illicit a verbal reprimand). But a lot of stuff that didnt fly when i was a tyke is now par for the course.

But of course, like most boys, I'd secretly had a pirate's vocabulary since about 5th grade. The switch flipped on and off at the presence of anyone resembling authority, and I only rarely got called on my vulgarities. In hgh school, somebody made the mistake of telling me "speak with the vulgar, think with the refined," which I took, wrongly, to give me free license to drop the F-bomb as frequently as possible.

And then in my second job in college, we had some modicum of restraint, but cursing wasn't exactly taboo at the Camelot Records. My third job in college might as well have been on a submarine, and the profanity flowed like fine wine. If you weren't emphasizing your point with the F-word, you weren't really trying to make a point. And so it went.

Saddest of all of this is how twisted the language of my beautiful wife has become since when we first teamed up. Now, it's like her super power is never running out of obscenities. It's really pretty funny, as it always is when otherwise very nice people blurt one out, and I've grown to find it endearing instead of just feeling guilty over my bad influence (Jamie insists she was like this before, but I remember a time... I remember a time...).

Things kind of came to a head in college in my screenwriting class. I was asked by several people who were reviewing my script to "please, please try to keep the profanity under control." And I felt a little bad, but not that bad. It was distracting them all from how incoherent the screenplay actually was.

The current job is certainly no place for profanity. In fact, slang of any sort kind of leaves about half the staff looking at you like you just walked off the moon. And that's fine. I reserve the blue talk for the freeway system and parking lots. I've found a well=placed Charlie Brown "Arrgghhhh!" usually gets my point across here in the office.

But Triumph... Triumph has managed to take it to a whole level I haven't been on in a long time, back before I decided being gross wasn't really funny anymore. I really wish I had a little jambox so i could hide on the other side of the bed and listen to the record, turning it off the second anyone walked in the room.

And I think that's kind of genius.

Now if any of you ever saw the hypnotically upsetting "TV Funhouse" which ran on Comedy Central around 2000-2001, you might have a pretty good idea what you'd be in for. I could go on and on about 'TV Funhouse," but the bottom line is that it just wasn't a show for everybody. Or, possibly, for anybody. It doesn't really matter how jaded you THOUGHT you were, because "TV Funhouse" had a little something to upset everyone.

And so it is with Triumph's new album. Anyway, go listen to it if you want to, you sick bastards, but don't say I didn't warn you...

Greetings, Leaguers.

It appears Superman will continue to fly high for a few more seasons on TV's Smallville and Justice League.
Now, Superman's Kryptonian canine companion, Krypto, is getting his own children's series.
Good news? I think so. Dogs with super powers should be much more prevalent on television. It will also be interesting to see how many folks suddenly realize why my license plate reads "KRYPTO".

I also heard that Alien Legion may be getting a 30 episode animated run. I loved this comic back in middle school, and I've been purchasing some of the recent collections from Checker and Titan press. For anyone who likes kooky aliens and gritty, tough action, you might dig this comic. It's the cat's pajamas. My hopes are high for the animated series.

Packers are out of the play-offs. My football season is unoffically over. I will still watch some of the Superbowl, but most likely I will not be very invested in it.

I am trying to draw to a close the conversation about art and it's value which has been percolating over on JimD's site. At some point you're debating. At some point, you're beating a very dead horse.

At some point I have watched just too many home improvement shows and decided that I, too, was a master carpenter. Growing up I used to help The Old Man out in the garage, and, thusly, already knew a thing or two about how to use power tools when I began building sets in high school drama. Since then my handiwork has been limited to changing lightbulbs and air filters. A few months ago,a fter having watched "While You Were Out" one too many times on TLC, I decided to build some furniture. I have now built a 40" x 40" CD rack, a sort of CD rack/ cell phone and wallet holder, and now I have built a coat rack/ footlocker. Jamie seems pretty pleased. I am a little skeptical of the durability of the coatrack section. Only time and gravity will tell if the coatrack is, in fact, a success.

Randy's lady, Emily, had this insight into blogging. She has allowed me to share.

I try not to read people's blogs because im jealous that i can't do a blog of my own, but i have given in. It's reality TV for the internet. I'm a closet blog reader. I live in shame :(

and that about sums it up.

More Martian Madness...

It's absolutely correct to be skeptical that we (by we, I mean the good 'ol US of A) will be willing to put money into strapping a couple of folks to a rocket and sending them to Mars on the off-chance that they will return safely. It's going to cost trillions, and it's going to be pretty much a colossal waste of time. But, dammit, that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

We spend tax dollars on some pretty ridiculous nonsense (did you know Dick Cheney INSISTS on Oreos and will not tolerate the cheaper, tastier Hydrox?). We also spend billions and trillions preparing for wars which may never happen, and teaching kids who are pretty stupid, anyway. But if we can get to Mars, it will give this Leaguer hope that the human spirit of endeavour and achievement and exploration is no longer limited to seeing what's on the channels over 55 on the flipper. It will mean that we, as a people, have agreed that we are ready to spread our wings as a species and are now ready to soar among the stars. And we are ready to bring back buxom space vixens.

As much as my post from earlier indicates the very real financial benefits, really, if we have a trillion dollars, maybe we could try to feed people, or buy off Castro into retirement, or get a Cardinals team which I might pay to see. I dunno. THere's reason to be skeptical, and uses on this little blue marble for all that dough.

But a part of me wants to see the first footage broadcast by a human in a space suit, waving back to the world from that dusty red planet. Hell, let's have a bake sale. I'm sure we can find the money somewhere.

sweet

I love me the space program. I hope this is a serious effort and not just election year hoo-hah. I choose not to be cynical on this one.

The Space Program offers both a lot tangibles and intangibles to the American people. A lot of everyday technology was developed for the Space Program (microwave ovens, Tang, zero-G toilets), and a lot more will be necessary for reaching Mars and returning to the moon. The Space Program is good for businesses associated with this kind of development and construction.

Exploration and discovery offers those intagibles of national pride, excitement of discovery, and could spark the imaginations for genreations of future engineers. (My employing university is wrapped up with the current Mars expedition. We're pretty excited).

Most of all, I want to see a man walk on Mars before I'm 50, but I'll take a permanent moon colony. This could really be the beginning of a bold new era.

1) Mel has been spending his days outside lately with the fantastic Arizona winter weather. It's like lows of 50 and highs of mid-70's. He's nuts for being outside.

2) Mel received many presents for Christmas from my folks (in a doggy gift basket). He's quite insane now with too many toys to choose from. Most disturbing is the disembodied, red pig-head which squeaks when you squeeze it.

3) The phone rang at 4:00am this morning. No message was left, and the caller ID failed to identify the caller. I laid in bed for about half an hour imagining all sorts of nightmare scenarios in which someone tried to call me for assitance, but nobody called back. I was reminded of a phone number I had to change in college. It was a former FAX number. Everynight I would get 2-3 calls from FAX services. usually between 1am and 6am. It was a nightmare.

4) Busy day today. But check out Jim's insightful response to yesterday's shenanigans. Also, help us identify Zak Bennigan's.

Couple of things:

1) Randy has sent along a photo of he and Emily. THis is the same photo removed from Randy's wedding site after Emily decided that my review of Randy's demeanour was, perhaps, unkind.

After strong-arming Randy, I have obtained a link to the photo once again. Randy, in all of his insane glory, may be found here (possibly threatening Emily with a butter knife held in his left hand). Here's that pic.

2) For some reason JimD. and I decided to get into it today over the piece of crappy graphitti art on 21st and Guadalupe in Austin. While in a lot of ways, I agree with Jimbo, in other ways, I clearly do not. Unfortunately for Jim, I am right and he is wrong.

Some other guy kind of insulted me for screwing up Daniel Johnston's name. Which is fair, because, dammit, I called the man a "staple" and then got the name all botched up. Well, as long as I don't screw up my wife's name, it's all gravy. Anyway, I went and checked out a site the gentleman linked to and found a deep love of the frog. Jamie will appreciate this, even if the Cow Head Man thinks I'm a dork.

Shoemaker has sent in an ultra-late Holiday entry: The Waitress's "Merry Christmas". There's no note of explanation, but there is a link.

For those of you who submitted ON TIME, your prize is in the mail.

sometimes I get down about how weird and kind of fruitless it is working for the state, and then I remember it's this or flipping burgers and I perk right up again.

So I finally picked up my comics from the last two weeks (which is probably the longest between trips to the shop i've been in a year, at least). And they just rebooted Superman with issue #200 of Superman. Beginning next month, Superman will have a slightly different origin. Comics are so weird.

Anyway, Superman #200 was not as bad as I had read it would be in a review. What I really dug, however, was Superman/ Batman #5. Written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ed McGuinness, this was part 5 of a 6 part story in which Lex Luthor tries to take down Superman once and for all. In this issue, Team Superman and the Batman Family enter the White House to confront president Lex Luthor. Yeah, these comics are insane.

But if you like cool art (Randy, this might include you), and lots of action, this series might be up your alley.

McGuiness's take on Hawkman is fantastic, but I think he draws all of the characters very, very well for a guy locked into a cartoony style.

I like comics, and this comic renews that affection. It's over the top, it's ridiculous, it's not particularly emotionally mature, but it's more fun than eating Rain-Blo by the handful and jumping on a trampoline.

And word on the street is that in a few months they bring back the classic version fo Supergirl in this title. Hurray!

I haven't really been at work in two weeks, and that means I've been watching an inordinate amount of television. And after having watched two weeks worth of TV, and thousands of commercials, I have one question:

What the hell is a "hemi", and why should I care?

Look, I'm no car guy. I drive a 4-cylinder, and always have. I do not feel the need to drive a V6 (except on the rare occasion after having borrowed someone else's V6), a V8 or V12, nor an 18-wheeler. I have long believed cars are a tool, and not a way to flaunt one's manhood.

A lot of people don't like SUV's for a lot of legitimate reasons. A lot of people DO like SUV's for some legitimate, and a lot of quasi-legitimate reasons. It's the quasi-legitimate reasons, the one's they now spend billions advertising to, that blow my mind.

When i was a kid, my folks bought a monstrous conversion van. It had two stereos, seated somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 and had niceties like a table one could assemble and play checkers on. Which was great for the trip to the groccery store and whereever. I would be lying if I thought we really needed the damn thing, but we had not just one... when I was 14, we got another one. THis one had a bench seat which (with the touch of a button) folded out into a bed. It also had a built in bar in the back for "tailgating" (which we never did), and a spot where a TV was supposed to be installed. We never got the TV and VCR, although we had the wiring and hook-ups, because the day we picked up the van, my mom burst into tears at the thought her children would rather watch Sanford and Son reruns than talk to her while in the car. Which i thought was kind of weird at the time.

Apparently, this isn't such a concern with today's savvy parent. Now, when toting the kids to and from soccer practice, in the half an hour a day when you could be talking to your kid, your babysitter has been provided to you. Once again, you can feel free to let the flickering box raise your kids so you can focus on the cell phone conversation you were having before you picked up the little monstrosities.

Look, I don't have kids. And I can't guarantee if I did have a kid, s/he wouldn't turn out like Jeffrey Dahmer. But I do know when you have a kid, you're supposed to pay attention to it. I don't care how tired you are from work, or who is calling your cell phone. But a part of me also knows I wouldn't do any better than anyone else, and makes me not really want to have kids... because folks, I don't want to be the guy I made fun of all these years.

My favorite thing in the commericals is seeing how happy mom and dad are... how they look to one another with loving, knowing smiles... as if to say "hear all that silence? THose little brats have been hypnotized into a stupor once again... it's so mercifully quiet, we can pretend we are once again childless."

I'm now horrified by my parents' van ownership, but I understand why folks buy huge cars when they have kids. I understand far less why my parents now own a monstrous SUV with seating for 8, but since they paid for my college, i keep it on the QT. I'm just glad they didn't own one of the vans which said "Goodtimes Van" on the back in 60's psychedelic script.

So you've turned your car into the babysitter by getting the car with seats as big as a sofa and DVD player. Now you've still got to have adventure! You're still a virile alpha-male... which means you MUST be able to take it off-road. You must climb boulders and mountains and go from 0-60 in 5 seconds (despite the fact your car weighs 10 tons). And I guess the "hemi" is the new thing to have. It must be some sort of shiny engine. It's a big 'ol honking engine Dad would have in his truck if... if he were a swinging single adventurer! He can still live out the fantasy, though, as long as it's hidden beneath the hood of the moving living room.

Poor, emasculated dad... Knowing that his "hemi" will only help him pass Monte Carlo's on the toll-road on his way to his boring office job. WAIT! Only Dad doesn't get to drive the "hemi" powered wonder car. He drives the Corrola, because Mom needs the SUV to transport the kids to go roller-skating... And the hemi is only really there because you need that kind of horsepower to keep your moving living room from stalling on every incline, anyway...

Look, I don't know why those commercials bug me so much, but they do. I know people feel as if they need these cars, the way they needed conversion vans in the 80's, then mini-vans in the mid-90's, and now Tahoes or whatever. Maybe they need these things as surely as they need beds and food for their children. I do not know. I do know, TV's in cars are dumb. But I liked the idea a heck of a lot more when they had to start passing laws stating it was illegal to watch porn on your car TV, lest everyone see your feature attraction from your rear window.

Maybe a week of watching TV did nothing good for me.

Apparently Ms. Emily took exception to my post from a few days ago regarding Randy being completely insane. The link to The Knot now sports a new picture of Homer and Marge Simpson. Randy has gone ahead and posted about Emily's reaction, and his feelings upon the whole ordeal. It is unfortunate that Emily has selected to remove the photo of she and her beau. Indeed, it was quite thrilling to see the Tjahjono's looking so blissful (even if half of them are insane).

I request that Emily reconsider, and if nothing else, find a new picture of she and her man.

Chin up, Emily. Randy is more or less a good guy, and while I am afraid for you, I believe you are more or less making the right choice. So let's see you put up that photo again lest i turn it into my year-long crusade to see that picture posted once more...

one out of fifteen ain't bad...

I guess the Martians got sick of shooting these things out of the sky...

I have taken a great deal of time off of work. It's been pleasant. I am classified as "faculty" in my position at the University, which means I have an insane amount of vacation, which I can rarely use. But the Holidays are a perfect time for disappearing, and so I haven't been to work since December 22nd.

On Monday I must return to work, and what I would like to do is return with a new enthusiasm. Will this actually happen? Only time will tell. We're going to be going directly into one of our two "busy" periods, lasting about three to four weeks each, occuring in accordance with the spring and fall semesters.

So it's probably good I took a break.

I've watched alot of movies on DVD, I've drawn more, I tried some writing (hopefully Hustler won't turn me down this time), and I am trying to build some more furniture. I'm not very good at building at furniture, but if all 90 degree angles is your bag, I am your man.

I haven't really been unemployed since about 1996, and I kind of miss the time off. One thing university life provides is a good amount of vacation (or did at UT), so I will try in the future to make the most of the time I've been given. Watching this episode of Justice LEague, next vacation, maybe I'll make a rail gun. Looks like fun.

Anyway, next week I return to normal programming. See you then.

This may surprise Leaguers, but for as many mentions as he gets in these pages, I've never actually met Randy of RHPT.com. Randy started showing up in my e-mail box a while back, and we've been chummy ever since.

As a consequence, I've never actually seen Randy in person. Until today. Randy posted a link to his little corner of wedding cyber-space over on The Knot. The Knot is a site where you can register and make sure folks have a a web-friendly location to check and re-check wedding details. This is actually a really nice idea. Wish we'd done it.

Anyway, I never saw Randy before, but now I have, and if the photo on the site is any indication, Randy is quite mad. yes, yes... I know he's happy to be with his lady in this photo... but there's a certain bewildering insanity sparking behind those eyes as if to say both "yes, you may refill my water" as well as "but then I will hide in the back seat of your car and surprise you on the interstate."

No doubt Randy will be disturbed by my deductions, but this is why the Steanses try to keep our photos off the net... for fear someone might say "dear God, did the panda actually eat the girl after the photo was taken?" or "they're both so pale... oh, you didn't even use a flash?" or "it would not kill him to skip dessert once in a while."

So here's Randy, all menacing smile and deranged plotting. By his side is his future bride, who would do well to sleep with one eye open.

For Shoemaker:

It's a week late, and from the late Wesley Willis, but I think anyone could enjoy it... In fact, this may be the new "Frosty the Snowman".

Merry Christmas

Howdy. I am kind of back.

couple of house keeping items.

I am considering sending something out to all who participated in the Abso-Ludicrous Holiday Media Spectacular. If you would rather not participate in a little larceny and malfeasance, let me know ASAP.

I think I have everyone's address. I may contact you if I do not. People in japan have asked that their items be sent elsewhere. This shall be respected.

Mel is back from the kennel and safely home. Jeff The Cat also returned home from the kennel. Both are suffering from a little separation anxiety, but I'm taking some time off work, so both are getting ample attention.

The visit to my folks' went well. I missed having more of the extended family around, but with scheduling for my immediate family these days, sometimes these things are best not examined too much. I got some cool presents from everyone. Not a weird one in the bunch. I got a stack of DVD's, and I have to confess to being a little excited about my copy of Conan the Barbarian. I've loved that movie since I was a kid, but can't put my finger on why. But what had me rolling was the DVD collection of The Tick live action series which lasted maybe eight or nine episodes. Classic. Like Icarus, it flew to close to the sun, my friends.

Made Jamie and Heather Wagner go to Bedrock City Comics with me in Spring, TX. Picked up some cool Action Comics back issues, including this issue and this issue. Merry Christmas to me.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve, which is kind of the capper on the Holiday season for most everyone. Tomorrow ends 2003, which is okay. It was an okay year in a lot of ways, but I can't say i made great personal strides. In fact, a lot of this year felt a bit like I was coasting more than actually trying. But that's why we have New Years: Try to do better in the upcoming year what we did poorly in the the preceding year.

To celebrate NYE, I am taking Jamie to a curiously nice Italian place (it's in a strip shopping center in Queen Creek) called Primo. We'll do some wine and dinner there, and then I guess she'll be tired from work and go to sleep. We aren't the same fun couple we were in 1999-2000, a New Years which will live in infamy. (I just remembered Loyal Leaguer Nathan Cone came up from San Antonio for that fiesta... I was too drunk to remember if he was there when things... got out of hand). Here's a hint, kids: hammers, glitter, vodka, hard candy and pinatas simply do not mix. Especially when you're super excited the power grid didn't fail on you. I almost lost my eye.

People are throwing out lists for 2003, which seems like a heck of a lot of work. Here's mine.

2003, Bad:

1) summer in desert
2) continued success of Justin Timberlake
3) questionable stewardship of Superman core comic titles
4) the missing couch
5) gout
6) lack of weight loss
7) lack of direction in job
8) WMD
9) the puppy incident
10) Daredevil movie

2003, Good:

1) winter in desert
2) continued success of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
3) announcements of future artisitic teams for Superman comics
4) Season 2 of Justice League
5) vegetarianism turning out to be okay
6) I didn't get fatter!
7) steady job
8) lack of attacks from WMDs
9) two happy pets
10) I actually liked the Hulk. Shut up. I did. Cousin Sue sent the DVD for Christmas! Hurrah!

So for my yin, there is a yang, I suppose. But that was 2003. It was an Even Steven sort of year.

soon we move into the mid-00's. How freaky is that?

So what are my resolutions? I told myself years ago to quit setting stupid, unrealistic goals. So my resoltuions are:

1) Re-engage at work. Quit stressing over the difficulty of each task and try to see each task as a challenge. Have a better attitude about students, faculty and crazy projects.
2) Use better judgement in buying comics in order to spend less on comics.
3) Try to keep the house neater.
4) Either move back to Texas or quit bitching about Arizona.
5) Do more with free time (may require cancelling movie channels)
6) Write "Great American Novel".
7) draw more
8) draw fewer naked girls when drawing
9) quit waking up the cat whenever he falls asleep. No, it's not that funny to anyone but me.
10) be more open minded about Paris Hilton
11) eat more vegetables and less pasta and bread
12) be a genuinely better human being. By better, do not mean Ubermench.
13) spend more quality time with Melbotis

and that's it, kids! Lucky 13. Ah, well. Happy New Year!!! Now go get drunk for your Ol' Uncle Ry'.