Olympic Closing Ceremonies
I'm in a little late. Bear with me. Roar.
YMCA by a clown orchestra? My God. The horror. The horror. Are those aviators dancing to YMCA? Does the homoerotic spirit of the song translate well into Italian? Why do I always end up dancing to that song at weddings? Oh, yes... booze.
Now there's some fascist raising a Greek flag. I had a Gyro and Greek Salad for lunch on Friday. Delicious.
Is that Gypsy Kings? More people should dress as a cone. That looks sharp. The athletes look tired and unenthused entering the stadium. Bolare? Wow, the orchestra looks like they're on crank. Joey Cheek! That guy's a piece of work. Pressuring everyone else into giving away their hard earned Olympic money. Oh, he's going Ivy League? Well, of course he's giving away his money, he's probably fabulously wealthy. I've always suspected you had to be rich to, you know, train for speed skating-
Whoa. A new "Posedion Adventure"? Starring Josh Lucas? I want to be a movie executive. Didn't any of these people see "Swimming with Sharks?"
Jamie's doing laundry. I should help. Nah.
I am not going to miss the ten Olympic themed commercials they keep showing over and over and over. Life takes not watching Visa commercials until your eyes bleed.
Oh, here come the athletes. This is going to take a while. I'll be back.
Wait, no... they're wearing clown noses. I'm not really clear what the deal is here. That's a lot of Canadians. "That'll be a mosh pit!" Yeah, cause I think Avril "Punk Rock" Lavigne is performing. People are going to want to do the pogo and whatnot. So punk rock.
Again, what's up with the white-clad aviators?
This is really boring, and the music sounds like the stuff they play at La Madeline. I haven't been to La Madeline in, like, forever. Is it a sandwich shop? A coffee house? Is it overpriced? Only the guy in the funny hat knows for sure.
You may not know this, but The League's family hails from Finland. At least half of the family. The Admiral's family is much more typical American Mutt. But KareBear is a child of Finnish immigrants. 1) I always think it would be funny if they had my Mom standing at the end of the race under the banner that says "finish", 2) Everyone from Finland looks like my mom and/ or the people from her hometown, which is like 70% Finnish.
I need a 5 blade razor. For those "tricky" places.
I don't care what you say, those US uniforms look like the piped winter jackets KareBear used to outfit us with from K-Mart when The League and Steanso were just wee little bloggers.
Hey, Shani! Going to train in Vancouver. I guess that's good. Emily Hughes. She acquitted herself beautifully. There's that Japanese dame who... wait, now I have to watch this again? I've had this song in my head since the opening ceremonies. I guess it's from Carmen. The League is no Opera buff. It confuses me, and often features angry clowns. She can really pop around on the ice, can't she? Zip zip zip. Well, she's happy. I've already seen this. "Cool Beauty"? I had a nickname for like five minutes in 8th grade. They called me "Mueller" after George Mueller, the goofy center of the UT basketball team. Could have been worse.
Deal or No Deal? No Deal, thanks. I'll take my handbag and go.
Jamie hates the ads where people drive across a tumultuous CG landscape, serenely secure in their luxury SUV. I hate them, too, but I don't bring it up all that often. Blam, there's a skyscraper blasting out of the lush countryside. Blam, there's a freeway. And there's some lady in the passenger seat looking like maybe she has to go potty but she dare not ask her husband to pull over lest she upset his dispassioante SUV driving.
Doo doo doo dooot... This is really dull. Sorry. You guys seemed to like my "real time blogging" during the opening ceremonies, so I felt obliged to do it again.
There's Ohno. Oh no. He's still cheesey. I don't care what medals he won. He's Johnny from Karate Kid. He'd so sweep the leg. Does he have an ugly cleft chin? Why the nasty looking facial stripe? Does it look good? oh, no.
I like that S. Korean guy. He's okay. I watched this already. And I know Ohno won. They just told us that. Can't say I'm a fan of these flashbacks. Now they're trying to interview a sleep deprived Ohno. He seems fairly sober. Nobody wants to interview Bode.
Okay, gang, I'm out. This is boring.
Oh, Dad, they're going to fuel cars with corn. Sorry about your whole industry. I remember Ari Fleischer telling folks looking into alternative energy back in 2000 to please stick it in their ear. I guess that was a long time ago now.
We can't forget about Shaun White because you will show us. I like that there's now something in the Olympics you can get points for called a "fakey". That's almost as awesome as "salchow!" I have to say this, I think the Flying Tomato is annoying. But I find most 13-20 year olds annoying. I think it comes from knowing what a moron I was. Am. But, yeah, he's like my Gen Y nightmare.
Ah, Sasha Cohen. She looks like a hummel figurine. Wow. She has nothing to say. Now they're dwelling on her errors. See, Leaguers, this is why I don't even try. You're like the third best athlete in your sport, and all they can do is dwell on that one second of slip-up... I need to be involved with things where they're not going to dwell on what you did wrong. Wait, if that's true, I need a new job.
Be a part of "Walk the Line"? That seems like an odd way to sell a movie about a guy's spiralling drug abuse. "Naked Lunch"! Be a part of it! "Trainspotting"! Be a Part of it! I want to work in advertising. Apparently you can be a complete moron.
That is a tiny car.
Jamie is screaming at Lucy.
More of those damned clowns. God, how I hate clowns. Goddammit, it's more of this Cirque crap. Felliniesque? See, this is why I avoid European film. I remember when Wesley Snipes did this floating bit in "DROP ZONE". My Dad used to take me to all the Wesley Snipes movies. We LOVED Wesley Snipes. Not a lot of room for error in floating over a giant, whirling fan, I'd think.
These commentators suck. Who IS this? Enough with the Wesley Snipes guys. It's just not that great, and this post-Enya music is dippy. I miss the tree men. I also think that this would be more impressive if these guys had lit their heads on fire, a la the opening ceremonies.
Getting boring. Wait, he might leave the stadium. That can't be safe. Dammit, no injuries. I haven't watched Tron in, like, forever. And I have it on DVD. That clown car is on fire. Why? There's so much about European culture I guess I should know, but I simply... wait, those dudes have flaming pin wheel backpacks. Jamie has declared she wants one.
Now this boring dude who looks like someone who The Admiral would work with. Oh, sweet. That dude is so going to jail. I mean the guy who just rushed the stage. Note the Golden Palace.com shirt. I guess that's good advertising of some sort.
Lucy is in trouble for trying to eat Jeff, she's sitting down next to me.
Wait, this Olympic guy has been "seduced" by fairplay and the Olympic spirit? That's a little weird. I don't think that translated correctly. Why are they fighting doping? Can you imagien how @#$%ing crazy sports would be if we had all these roid freaks skiing around? I'd buy that for a dollar.
The Olympics head for Canada, eh? The mayor of Vancouver. A quadraplegic! Wow. Our mayor just has bad hair. Not the same story of personal triumph. Holy crap. Mounties. I love Mounties. O, Canada! That opera guy looks liek someone you'd see at the Sizzler. I need to learn to take Canadians seriously. One day it's going to get my ass kicked.
Transfer of the flag. This is less formal than I'd envisioned it. Volare? I'm speechless.
This Candadian mayor guy is a ruler. He has my vote.
All right! Vancouver's presentation! What will they bring? Native Americans. Man, I got those in my office. And, now... a snowmobile with an acrobatic snow skiier. Oh, man. Yahoo Serious. This is starting to suck. Badly. Wait, that was cool. "This remind sme of Ice Age" says Jamie. Not cool. Wait... Whales? Now I'm scared. Is this a tribute to the agricultural products of Vancouver?
There's a uniform suckiness to all of these things, isn't there?
If this is Vancouver, Vancouver is dumb. A fish. Great. Oh, it's Avril Lavigne. And she's blonde. Wow, she's really evolved from a one-hit wonder into a bland, forgettable artist. I'm sure she's still HUGE in Canada. Are there more Cirque clowns running around? Oh, for the love of Mike.
A tribute to something... a flag is being lowered. Well, so far, no Bryan Adams. We're doing well. Those are nice hats.
Man, who spent all the time coming up with all this ceremony? I mean, this is a lot of work.
Oh, good, singing kids. And an accordian. Just what the doctor ordered to break up the mood. There goes the flag. Bye, flag. Ah, they turned off the rings. My Mom must love all those dopey kids in their angel outfits. Stuff like that makes her giddy. That and Neil Diamond. She LOVES Neil Diamond. Oh, and an angelic aviator. I am definitely missing something.
I've never seen "The Apprentice". I don't like self-serving over-achievers, and I don't like to see people making asses of themselves on TV.
They're really pimping our local weather man. Keep in mind, it hasn't rained in PHX in 140 days. Why I would care about the weatherman is beyond me.
Now we get Andrea Bocelli. He looks sort of familiar. I think he's been on PBS. I think they brought in the virgins. What the hell is going on here? Bocelli looks sleepy. He's wearing jeans. Pretty freaking casual when Pavarotti wore a cape and all when he opened the games.
Seriosuly, what the hell is up with all the brides or whatever? Are these the available women of Torino? Hey, big American athlete, you want to marry local girl? We give you one for cheap. You go find one you like.
They represent hope and rays of hope. Okay. Well, you know, I remember getting married, but I don't remember "Hope" being how I felt when I got married. Trapped, maybe. Just kidding, sweetie. That's a joke.
The virgins have formed a big dove. Don't let Cheney get near them.
Oh, they made themselves into the Torino logo. Here comes some lady trudging up to the stage in a really big wedding dress. I dunno. This makes no sense. There goes the eye of Sauron.
Fireworks! zap zap zap
It just doesn't seem right without yet another rendition of Carmen playing.
Oh, great, here comes Ricky Martin. I wasn't aware he was still relevant. Oh, look, S&M outfits, As Jamie points out, that's quite the contrast they got goin' on. This is the sexiest Olympics closing ceremony ever. Much more so than that summer when they accidentally left Stevie Wonder out in the middle of a field in a giant, floating piano. Ricky Martin must have a very interesting view of the world. I guess I'm a little jealous.
The Dan Jansen DHL commercial? See, when he fell that time right after his sister died, my mom totally freaked out. Like, seriously, I needed therapy. She was crying and crying for Dan Jansen. I still have a twitch in my eye from when that happened.
Oh, right on. NBC and Sunday Night football looks rad. I actually like Costas, and I think I'm on the record about Al Michaels being one of my favorite sports commentators.
I wonder if Shaun White is glad he came back now. I have a Ricky Martin tolerance level of like .04. This is already way past that limit. Just remember Event Organizers, when you pick an artist because you think everybody likes them, that usually means nobody is really all that much into them. Unless you can somehow bring George and John back from the great beyond, there are very few groups we'd all be very curious to hear.
Ah, Joey Cheek. He seems too decent. Nobody is that decent. Nobody. Well, maybe Joey Cheek.
And this "Do the Hustle" ice skating commercial for car insurance... it needs to end.
I watched "Law & Order SVU" once (dunh dunh). I have no recollection of the show at all. (dunh dunh)
More dancing aviators. Oh no. It's Ohno. He loves the camera, does he not? There's Abba in the background. Wait, nevermind, it's that dumb Madonna song. Toby Dawson. He seems amazed enough that he's there, so I can't imagine what it's like for him to have won.
These packages where they show you stuff you already saw? It needs to end. Cindy Klassen. Canadian. Swearing she'll be there for 2010. Huh.
Well, that's it. I'm done.
Hope you guys enjoyed. This was a pain and I plan never to do it again.
Oh, hey... Jamie was reading my post and she tells me "Bocelli wasn't sleepy. He's blind." There's been some hemming and hawing here over how I should address this oversight. Wait, that's not what I meant... oh... God. I am going to Hell. Jamie has just wrapped it up with "Ryan Steans, 'Sensitivity' is thy middle name."