Tuesday, May 15, 2007


I just saw 28 Weeks Later, and it got me thinking. There are many reasons I might make a good Zombie.

1) Team Player. Let's face it, one zombie on his or her own isn't usually that scary. That's why you have to work as a team. I'm no complainer, so I think that if all the other Zombies want to drift toward some boarded up house and I didn't want to, I'd probably still help the team terrorize the victims within just to let my fellow Zombies know I'm there for them at such a challenging time.

2) Not a picky eater. It's no secret that the Bros. Steans like their food, and part of that means enjoying trying new things. Most Zombies enjoy brains, but I'd be willing to try an ear or leg so everyone could have a shot at our victim.

3) Not a stickler for staying super clean. Part of being a Zombie is drooling your own blood down the front of your shirt, as well as getting splattered with the blood of your victims. This might bug some Zombies, but not me.

4) Not much of a runner. The League likes to walk at a brisk pace, but we think we've already got the ambling pace of a zombie down pretty well. Now, I guess if we were one of "the infected" as per "28 Weeks Later", we'd have to work out some sort of undead workout regimen to keep up

5) Able to use a claw on a hammer. Many Zombies burst through boarded up windows using their body mass and either shoving or getting a mass of like-minded Zombies pushing with them. I would use the claw side of a hammer to safely remove nails so as to avoid injury to my rotting flesh

6) Can walk off injuries. Zombies are famous for wandering about with bits of their bodies missing, from limbs to eyes to gaping chest cavities. One nice thing about playing sports as a kid is that when the team needs you, you can sort of shake it off and keep moving. I think i can bring that to Team Zombie when someone puts a machete into my sternum.

7) Lots of mass, big guy. I'm a sizable fellow, and every crowd of Zombies needs a hulking Zombie that looks really menacing in the establishing shot. Sure, my natural good looks might keep me from appearing too menacing, but I'm sure after a few days of flesh sloughing off in sheets, I'd make a swell Zombie to really demand attention when our troupe first appears.

8) Well manicured teeth and strong jaws. Sure, I've had a few cavities here and there, and I suffer from a small under bite, but I think that when I'd go into a Blood Frenzy, other Zombies might really admire the way I can rend flesh and bone with my well cared for choppers and powerful jaw muscles.

9) Can take criticism. Everyone was new at being a Zombie at some point. And, heck, most Zombies that appear are only on the job a short while before they recruited you. But that doesn't mean that I can't hear what they have to say about my technique and form as a Zombie. No one is such a good Zombie that they can't learn a little from some constructive criticism.

10) Long term strategy. Look, you can go ahead and invade the shopping mall or try to overtake London, but what then? Zombies owe it to themselves to think long-term and really organize. Otherwise it becomes embarrassing after a while when you're just drifting around the streets saying "More brains..." when you know darn well there are no more brains. If the vampires know how to keep their food supply going, so should we.

I guess what I'm saying is that I'd be a goal oriented Zombie. Some are going to say that Zombie's are misunderstood and that the undead are a wide and diverse bunch who defy stereotyping. That may be true, but I'm not afraid to recognize that a Zombie's primary functions are to:

a) terrorize the living
b) eat brains
c) make more zombies

So with the 10 factors above, I think I could really make a bang-up Zombie.

Bonus Feature:

Also, I asked Jason tonight if he were armed only with an umbrella and had his choice of facing down a Zombie from 28 Weeks Later or a Gorn from the Star Trek episode "The Arena", which he might pick... Can you guess which creature he thought he could take?


Anonymous said...

This looks like something out of your resume.

The League said...

What do you mean "looks like"? Do you know how many employers I had to explain this page to during the interview?

Carla said...

You'd make a killer zombie! I'm jealous.