Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!!



Hello, Leaguers,

Tis the Magical Time of the Year again when we decide red and green should be worn together, and power tools suddenly make appropriate gift giving options! It is a time when record shops put albums out on display of Mariah Carey in an odd little Mrs. Clause get-up, and we all listen quietly to the music on the mall PA as if we had never heard the songs before. It's the time of the year when we think TV movies starring Roma Downey are a particularly good idea.
Yes, Leaguers, it's coming hard upon the holiday season (as we call it at my state owned office), or the Christmas season (as we call it at the Steans House).
Christmas is great for the gift giving and remembering the birth of, JC, Our Lord and Savior, but it's also a time for really crappy movies, music and television.


Indeed, what can you get a Wookie for Christmas when he already owns a comb?

But with the annual onslaught of irresponsibly and crassly oversentimental media produced in response to the consumer market drive to capitalize on the Holiday season, it's difficult to narrow down what the categories should be for the contest this year.

I propose four categories:

1) Most Bizarre Christmas/ Holiday media.
2) Most Essential Holiday media.
3) Most Regrettable Holiday Performance (actor or singer)
4) Most Celebrated Holiday performace (actor or singer)


Santa does fine as long as Mrs. Claus is not aware half of this bottle is filled with Captain Morgan's.

Here are the rules:

1) You may submit up to three entries in each category.
2) Submissions are subject to win ONLY if a brief description of "WHY" is also included
3) All submissions must come with a snail mail address in order to receive the GRAND HOLIDAY PRIZE for winning
4) All submissions MUST, in some way, have something to do with Christmas. THis may include movies which just HAPPEN to take place on Christmas (ex: Die Hard).
5) If Ramadan, Hannukah, Kwanzaa or Festivus are your bag, then you may also submit any media from these and any other valued Holiday traditions.
6) All Media should be described with a year (if possible) and possibly some cast, etc...
7) Performances should be described with which album, movie, show, etc... dates, etc... are also beneficial


The Bailey's are happy Daddy did not pitch himself off a bridge

Sweet and happy Christmas media is welcome, as well as that which is less so.

All answers will be compiled into a list for your Holiday viewing consideration. The grand prize winner in each category will be announced well before the holidays in order that they may use their luck at winning the contest as another way to annoy stupid cousin from Colorado who only talks about NASCAR.

So put on your thinking caps, Leaguers, and prepare for the onslaught of Christmas Fever.


Mr. Grinch is pardoned for breaking, entering, criminal mischief, robbery, etc... and then is handed some very sharp knives (in order to cut the roast beast). Such is the Holiday Season.

Response to a question by Nathan can be found here.

I have along and boring story about a couch, but today is not the day for it.

The weekend came and went, and a lot happened between Friday and today, but not much of it was overly entertaining. I look forward to a few days off coming up, and I am looking forward to what the Thanksgiving weekend shall be.

Hopefully it will be a low-key affair, but I am most certainly looking forward Friday's UT/ Texas A&M game (should it play on TV out here in Arizona), and I would also like to watch the Cowboys continue their heated winning streak. However, after this week's performance by the Dolphins, I am uncertain what this game will look like.

Turkey Day looms ever closer.


oddly, I found this image off of a foreign website which was selling American stuff

Okay. Weirdest e-bay auction ever.

KUDOS to my beautiful wife, Jamie, for forwarding this to me. It may come as s urprise to leaguers that I am a fan of Superman. Yes, yes... it's true. And as far as that fandom goes, I have missed only one episode of the WB's show "Smallville", which tells the story of a young Clark Kent before he puts on the cape.

I know Sonia will appreciate this. You see, the primary love interest for young Clark Kent is INCREDIBLY annoying, but part of the WB's plan for the show was to get as many 10-17 year old girls watching the show as males who want to watch Superman punch people (which he often does, with much gusto). So the WB seems to insist that the girls will LOVE to watch Lana. Which is annoying. I cannot detail how annoying the character of Lana Lang really is, but the fact that her trampling by a horse was applauded by a large portion of the audience goes to show you that Lana is not what much of the audience believes makes Smallville shine.

No, it's Lex Luthor we love.


Lana is the annoying one on the left...

I once detailed 9 reasons why Lana is annoying, and here they are:

1) 15 year old kids don't get to own coffee shops and go to high school
2) She learned kung-fu in half an episode and now routinely dispatches crooks with her skills, despite lack of training time due to her school/ coffee shop/ pony riding schedule
3) she has no legal guardian
4) she owns a pony she doesn't need to ever take care of or pay for or feed
5) she basically dumps all over a dude with heat vision and he puts up with it
6) she continues to surprise Clark by showing up at his house every single night when he's in the barn, and he's always surprised to see her
7) Evil genius Lex is investing in Lana's dumb coffeeshop with the only semi-used theater in back
8) Notice how Lex and Clark will be talking about saving the corn chowder plant and hundreds of jobs, or trying to stop a maniacal killer, and Lana makes sure EVERYONE knows about her dumb problem with the latte machine or whatever. Seriously. Nobody ever asks. She always just volunteers the information. Poor Lana.
9) somehow she owns a Jeep Liberty. Coffee shop must be doing well.

There are dozens of more reasons to dislike Lana, but the number one reason is that there's a much more interesting and less whiney character on the show, and we're to believe Clark is still infatuated with this dork? Come on, WB!!! Even in a show with a dude who can see through walls, we need a little believability.

you know, nothing I can say would really add anything...

Yesterday I completely neglected to mention the 75th birthday of American Icon, cartoon legend and my former co-worker, Mickey Mouse. I loved Mickey Mouse growing up. As evidenced from my photos and recent trip, the whole Disney Enterprise still holds a warm fuzzy place in my heart.

I did three summers at the Disney Store from 93-95. I proudly wore the sweater, the unhygeniec gray polyester pants, the pink shirt, and tried as hard as I could to keep a smile on my face. Which is hard when you're as hungover as I usually was in the summers from 93-95.

I tolerated insults from teenagers, folded the same shirt often four times a day, sweated profusely under the sweater and put up with lessons on the porper arragnement of stuffed animals and plastic cups.

The worst duty was "greeter." Especially at 10:00am when you can still taste beer every time you hiccup. Because as "greeter", yoru sole task was to stand at the door and welcome folks into the store. Which people do not like. THey run away from you. They run past you. THey avoid eye contact and all but put their heads under bags so you can't say "Welcome to the Disney Store!" People walk past you and speak loudly about how dumb you look in your outfit. Other people yell at you for talking to them before they've addressed you themself. I don't think tyhey actually still force people to do this. It sucks.

After three years, hundreds of happy customers and being the only one in the store who understood that Disney also owned TOuchstone and Hollywood Pictures, on my final day, I asked my manager what she thought.

"Well," she said, "You're very difficult."
"Hmmm. I thought you'd say something nice as, you know, you'll probably never see me again."
And now realizing she would never see me again, she grasped the opportunity and detailed how I had been a disappointment. I was told how I had been given opportunity and didn't seem to care (I never perceived this, but whatever), how I had not been forthcoming with the spirit and attitude of Disney. I was informed how I had failed to smile like an idiot come rain or shine, constantly resorting baby-spittled stuffed animals, and being unable to leave my "zone" no matter how much help a customer needed on another part of the floor.
"You're really one of the worst employees we ever had," she concluded.
"You know, you didn't have to hire me back. Twice."
"I know, but you knew how to do everything."
Which meant it didn't matter how many goddamn Lion King dolls I helped sell. It didn't matter how many Pooh-Bears I helped move, or that I could actually tell people where to find other cartoon merchandise when they called (which WAS SUPPOSED to be applauded, according to my training manual). The fact I was the ONLY employee who didn't need to be questioned the time all the watches were stolen (theories on why I wasn't questioned very), didn't matter. Didn't matter that I'd stayed late with the managers who wanted to count money but didn't want to walk to their cars alone. And I loved to vaccuum. God help me, when the store closed down, I was already in motion, headed for the back of the shop to grab the vaccuum and get out there. I even showed up as having helped on a "secret shop." No, none of that mattered. The fact that I didn't have a "Disney Attitude" was what got me a bad rap.

I could not stand in the middle of a store, addressing nobody, and stare into space and smile.

"One customer," she said, "came to me and said you looked absolutely miserable in the middle of all the fun. I came to you and asked you to perk up, and you kind of blew me off."
Kids, this was probably when i should have told her I remembered that, and that I had gas from the Diet Coke and Great American Cookie Company treat I'd had, and that I was still kind of hung over, and that I was at the end of my rope after hearing the same 44 minute Laserdisc of Disney tunes after it's 400th play. When you're making $5.00/ hr.
Apparently my constant desire to point out inconsistencies in store policy and logic was not needed, either.

"I blew you off?" I said incredulously.
"You just never seemed like you wanted to really get into the spirit of things."
And I didn't. And I don't. And I can't tell you why, but it's the same reason I used to avoid the office Christmas party at my last job. And why I didn't pursue a career as a salesman and why, when I sneeze, pixie dust dust not pour out of my ears.

People are gross and disgusting and mean and spoil their kids and hit their kids and spill shit and laugh at you for having to clean it up in your little Mouseketeer outfit. And sometimes they are nice, and do not let their children throw toys and stuffed animals across the store, but most of the time, they do.

I am so freaking nice to people in stores. I tip more than 15%. My highest aspiration in every transaction is for me to just disappear in the mind of the person i'm dealing with immediately after I have left, because that is the greatest gift you can give someone who is just trying to make it to the end of their shift. Unless they're being a jerk. Then you tip $0.01 so they get taxed.

But it wasn't Mickey I didn't like. Because look at Mickey's pals. He hangs out with a bi-polar duck and an idiot dog-man thing and a girlfriend who looks like him in drag. Clearly Mickey would not have waited three years and then unloaded. Nah. Mickey would be cooler than that. I kind of considered myslef "vintage Mickey." I was "Steamboat Willie Mickey." I pulled down the pants of the ship captain and tried to make sure I was doing okay, even if it wasn't exactly what the ship captain THOUGHT he wanted. Ah, well. C'est la vie.

You know, I probably WAS an awful Disney employee. I'm not going to say that, based upon their standards, I was a super star. THere was a lady named Kathy who worked there, and that honor goes to her. No, I sucked as a Disney employee, but did I WANT to be good at being some weird Disney automaton? Probably not.

Here's something to try: next time you're at the Disneystore or Disneyland or wherever.... engage an employee in a conversation. Seriously, just try to talk to one of them. You can't have a REAL conversation with them, and you know why? Because they're being watched. THere are managers who watch them, probably cameras at the park, and definitely spies and "secret shoppers." They are FORBIDDEN from ever saying something is bad. If it's raining so hard outside that the fish are drowning, they'll have to insist we're do for a rain, or else laugh about the rain in a weird way which indicates they LOVE the rain. Try it. I dare you.

Happy 75th, Mickey. Thanks for The Mouse, Walt. And screw you Disney Store #382 at Willowbrook Mall, Houston, Texas. I hope you go bankrupt and all your overpriced crap gets returned to you.