Tuesday, January 13, 2004
If earning a Melly isn't your bag, and you feel you have more questions than answers, Melbotis is now here to solve your riddles and fill in those troublesome gaps public education was unable to properly caulk up.
Romantic trouble? Difficulties in the workplace? Need help sorting out a thorny legal issue? Melbotis is your dog!
Mel has seen a lot of the world, and he's met a lot of people. And, honestly, he's got a lot of sage wisdom I can't utilize all for myself.
So, if you have a question and you don't mind seeing it printed in these pages with a full answer to your question, why don't you write to Melbotis? He'd love to hear from you and he'd love to expound upon the many, many topics of which he is an expert.
(disclaimer: Melbotis's answers come from the mind of a dog which thinks anything beyond the fence is outer space. Legal advice is for entertainment purposes only.)
Monday, April 03, 2023
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Soooo.... no party. Sorry, Leaguers. It was going to be a good one.
I assure you, getting an e-mail asking "But aren't you coming to the wedding?" from Loyal Leaguer Shannon L. was not how I wanted to begin my morning.
LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR!!!
So Jamie sez to me: Are we having a Halloween Party?
So I sez to her: I don't know (translation: I'd love to, but I am one lazy League)
So, she sez: We are.
Both fascinated and horrified, two who dared to witness the Spooktacular...
So! Leaguers, come one, come all to the 2006 League of Melbotis Halloween Spooktacular!
Here's the dealy-o...
what day is good for you? Friday the 27th or Saturday the 28th?
We're really trying to figure this out as we suspect we may be a bit late in trying to match everybody's Halloween and concert-going schedules. We are not having a party both nights. We just can't afford that much candy corn.
Ladies, this guy may corner you and ask about your major...
What you can expect:
-Jamie in her official League of Melbotis "Iron Butterfly" costume (plus, a demonstration of Iron Butterfly style kung-fu)
-Melbotis trying to get attention
-Spooktacular movies sort of playing in the background
-Some nifty Halloween decorations
-I suppose we may provide some food and drink
-Maybe Shoemaker will spin a record or two if I can get him to committ
-In the spirit of Halloween, Steanso will kill and eat a party-goer before our terrified eyes
Heck, it's really just a house-warming party, but it befits the League to make it a costume party. When are you available?
Post here by October 19th so we can make a formal announcement!
We guarantee this guy will be all partied out by midnight...
IMPORTANT NOTICE: official by-laws of The League of Melbotis state that if we do not receive enough or appropriate responses, no party shall occur
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Hi Melbotis this is Rusty Steans
Im a Bedlington Terrier and live across the pond in South Yorkshire England my hobbies include chasing rabbits, tennis balls and lady terriers
This is my dads bands Web Site: http://rock-it3.tripod.com/
Here is Rusty:
Mel is so happy to hear from other doggy. Too often, Mel hear from nobody all day but stupid baby dog. Stupid baby dog say, "Hello! Hello! Hello! Me too! Me too! Me too!" That all she say all day.
Sometime Melbotis despair.
So Melbotis VERY happy to hear from Rusty.
But Mel must ask: Where does Rusty keep his eyes? Mel sees no eyeballs.
I ask Chubby-Couch-Man what pond is.
"It's like a sort of standing body of water. Usually associated with pussywillows and lily-pads and... Wait, we live in Arizona. Why the hell do you care what a pond is?"
"Rusty live across pond."
"He lives in the UK. It's a sort of group of islands off the coast of France. They have kings and stuff. Occasionally they dominate the world."
"So what is Pond?"
"Uhmm... I dunno. It's a way to make fun of the Atlantic ocean and display friendship between the US and UK. We're just separated by a pond, not an ocean, see?"
"Is England an archipelago?"
"You know what, buddy. We're Americans. We don't need to really know a darn thing about geography. It's just not in us."
So Mel not entirely certain what England is, but he happy to have friend like Rusty who lives on same island as Harry Potter.
Melbotis have pal, Steanso, who in band in Austin, Texas. You may try to understand what Mono Ensemble up to, because Mel not understand.
Mel more of a fan of Al Green and this record.
Anyway, Mel so happy to hear about Rusty and Trev. Hello! Hello!
Thursday, February 23, 2006
The 2006 Mellies: Rules and Guidelines
All right, Leaguers. Thanks to overwhelming support in favor of another round of official League of Melbotis Awards (aka: The Mellies), we're going to give this a shot.
What the hell is a Mellie?
The Mellies are a celebration of the readership of The League of Melbotis. We ask you, the Leaguer, to give us some feedback not just on the super awesome content you can find here regularly at The League of Melbotis, but also we have some questions for you about this amazing world around us.
Here are some questions from a previous go-round.
Here are responses from day one, and day two and day three.
Now, some guidelines.
1) Try to answer all of the questions. The more answers we have, the more fun this will be.
2) All answers will be reprinted.
3) Thus, try to keep your responses down to a sentence or two. I don't want this turning into War and Peace. That said, a "why" is usually going to be key to your response.
4) I will also, of course, list all answers, and then make a special note of the answer that wins the 2006 Mellie. This may or may not be preceeded by a comment from The League as to why the comment took the coveted award. The League will probably also chime in with his own answer.
5) All entrants should submit answers to: melbotis_steans at yahoo dot com
6) I'm considering sending a special "thank you" to all entrants who also include their street address. So, you know, include your street address.
7) Keep it clean unless really, really funny
8) Entries will be accepted for the next month
And now, your nominating categories for the 2006 Mellies!
League of Melbotis categories
a) Why does the League obsess about _____?
b) The League needs to cover _______
c) In the future, The League should not ________
d) You should really add this blog to your blogroll
And now, on to the rest...
1) The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane
2) Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)
3) Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song
4) You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)
5) It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away
6) You know what was the most amazing day this year?
7) You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)
8) God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful
9) I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?
10) If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level
11) Best item at Burger King
12) If I could force you to read but one book, it would be
13) I'm no astrologist, but I love the planets. If I could dedicate myself to studying but one planet, it would be
14) I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character
That's it! Send in your submissions, and we'll be getting back to you guys on this late in March.
Sunday, January 18, 2004
There is a cloud of professional doom hanging over The league's head which may be part of the consternation. Also, the fact that "Ask Melbotis" was lifted directly from "Ask Zelda" over on Maxwell's page seems more than a little disingenuous.
I went to sleep at 7:30pm on Friday after a very, very busy work week. 7:30! I haven't done that in years. Somehow on the way home it hit me that I was insanely tired. I came home, ate a sandwich (I don't even know where the sandwich came from) and sat on the couch looking at the TV, feeling awful "it's been thirty minutes, and I feel no less awful" I told myself. I looked at the clock. It had been 3 minutes.
"I'm butt-assed tired," I said to Jamie. "I am going to bed."
And then I slept for 12 long hours. Which was terrific, because I got up at 7:30 and felt totally great.
The weekend went okay. I saw a good movie. Jamie even watched Conan with me on DVD, and we took Mel out to the pseudo-park in our neighborhood.
All in all, very quiet. Very nice.
But tomorrow I am going into work even though the Federal holiday says I don't have to. Too much to do. The professional hammer threatens to drop.
I need to go to the dry cleaner, and I need to buy a black ink cartridge for my printer. And I need to clean my bathroom, which is just gross enough I don't even want to touch it with cleaning agents.
Oh, and I ordered a jacket from an online store for fat guys. Yeah, I'm 6'5" and fat. The Gap does not accomodate me, which I tell them every time I am waiting while Jamie selects jeans. And then the sales guy says "oh, we have big sizes!" and then tells me a size I wore last when I was 19. Then I threaten to eat the stupid sales guy's head. I measured myself today. I am just at 6'5"+ in Nikes and something like 27 inches from elbow to elbow when my arms hang comfortably. Which means I don't fit in airplane seats and must order from this dumb online company if I want so much as a windbreaker because the retail store doesn't carry winter accesories in Arizona. Which is dumb. Anyway, the jacket is marked as "delivered" according to the company's website, but I don't have the jacket, so it's totally ridiculous. We'll see how it pans out, but dollars to donuts, I end up getting screwed on this one.
Tuesday, April 08, 2003
this is my cat and my wife
this is Melbotis and me
up ahead.... The Thing...
posted by Ryan at 4:12 PM
Here's something you probably forgot all about.
posted by Ryan at 8:57 AM
Thursday, April 03, 2003
Arrgghhh... those reading this can't tell, but I am an absolutely rotten typist and am working to amend that problem. Every time I post, I swear I spend twice as much time editing as I do writing. I'm usually fixing grammatical errors (of which I leave in many prime examples, such as this one) and spelling and punctuation errors, although sometimes I realize I never finished a thought and have to go in and fill in the blanks. I am certainly no perfectionist, but I don't want to be just sloppy either.
I recently purchased The Day the Earth Stood Still on DVD. I didn't make it more than half the movie before I turned it off. These days it's hitting a bit close to home. I kind of wish Michael Renni would show up in a silver jump suit and dictate global policy. I'm not sure a re-make would do this movie justice as it was directed in it's time by Robert Wise, current President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and director of The Sound of Music. Go figure.
Action Comics #802 came out on Wednesday. Lots of Zod and Luthor, picking up in a far more interesting direction than where I assumed this story would go. Check out the art. It looks good past the Darwyn Cook cover. I don't know who this Derenick guy is, but he's really good in a Jim Lee sort of way. That's not to say Darwyn doesn't do a good job, but he's got a unique style which some folks might not be into. Just keep in mind that is not the same art that's inside the cover (I would assume the artist was too busy putting out these great-looking pages and ran out of time for nice covers) if you're standing at the spinner-rack at Borders.
Speaking of Jim Lee, the best looking Batman stories in a looonnnggg time are happening over in Batman comics, with Jeph Loeb writing, so look for it. Jeph Loeb wrote some great Batman specials in years past (The Long Halloween, Dark Victory) and recently wrapped up on Superman. He's also a writer on the WB'S Smallville, so the man gets around.
Kudos to Jim D. for the big box of Superman comics he sent me that he'd saved from his youth. I'm just really reading them now, and they're a big heap o' fun and in great condition. My one beef is that there are a lot of #1 issues here, and I have no idea what happens after any of these #1's. Now I have to go look for back issues.
I am so tired, I am going to bed, but I hope someone is reading this. If they are, and they are not my lovely wife, let me know.
posted by Ryan at 11:26 PM
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
The anti-christ walks among us.
posted by Ryan at 10:25 PM
Tragedy in Metropolis! A special report
Some people are just jerks. And the rest of us just take some things far too seriously that we should not.
I'm not referring to that wise-cracking Saddam. No, a crime of questionable proportion has been perpetrated upon the people of the non-fictional town of Metropolis, Illinois. Metropolis is a hamlet located in the southern part of Illinois where the spirit of Superman has become lifestyle and commerce. In order to drum up industry and tourism, Metropolis has gone ahead and run with the whole Superman theme. Strange, but true.
DC Comics has officially dubbed Metropolis the Home of Superman. Metropolis is a bizarre little corner of America where all things Superman come to life: the Superman Museum is located (I believe) in the town square, city hall used to give out Kryptonite rocks to kids (to help keep them out of Luthor's hands!), and the Metropolis paper is actually now called The Planet. Every year Metropolis holds a Superman Celebration which is attended by, reportedly, tens of people. Such stars as Jack Larson (Jimmy Olsen) and Noel Neill (Lois Lane) and Sarah Douglas (Ursa) regularly attend the festival. For years I've dreamt of visiting Metropolis for the festival, but, to be honest, I think after about three hours it would be kind of weird. And that's a long way to go for a couple of awkward hours of fat men in Superman shirts.
At the center of the town square stands (or stood) a 15 foot bronze statue of Superman with the words "Truth, Justice and the American Way" emblazoned upon the base. I would assume as an April Fools joke, somebody took it upon themselves to liberate the Superman statue. A semi-official version of events can be found here.
I wish the people of Metropolis godspeed in finding their statue. Some townsfolk are now suggesting the Celebration cannot go on if the statue is not found, or is found in a state of disrepair. Metropolis is not a huge town with tax dollars enough to spend money on repairing the statue or building a new one, and as I understand it, the Celebration is a bit of a boon to their economy.
I hope those who performed this villainous deed are happy with themselves. They've probably made little Kal-El cry.
posted by Ryan at 10:59 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003
This brave little lass shows us what it means to be a patriot in these troubled times.
On my super-extended drive home tonight, it struck me that in 20 years, somebody is going to try to bring back American Idol. If we're willing to bring back Star Search, which was a little embarassing when it was originally on, surely we'll want to trot out this format again. I can almost imagine Mary Hart interviewing Simon Cowell in an era when the Jihad has actually succeeded and we're all kind of Muslim. Someone is going to do this, and I want 20 space-bucks when it happens, because I will have predicted it.
What with a war on, and a sloberringly insane North Korea on our plate in addition to several million irritated Frenchmen, the world has become a dark place. But I think I may have found the salve. If you're having some bleak, bleak thoughts about current events, I highly, highly suggest you enjoy this page . For a more direct dose of it all, for those of you with a high-end connection, go here and have your spirits renewed.
Jim D suggested a new name for this Blog: The Unbearable Lightness of Steans
I'm not against it. I'm still kicking the suggestion around, but just when I was thinking of implementing it, Dan P of Austin suggested I adopt the name Axis of Steans. For now I'm sticking with a pro-Melbotis format.
Also, check out this.
posted by Ryan at 9:12 PM
this is just funny.
As of 7:00am Arizona time (we are neither Mountain, nor Pacific... you can't bring us DOWN!!!) Corey (Shut up, Corey) Clark has been booted from American Idol. I know that Jamie and I will be watching in rapt attention this evening to see what Simon will say! What is up with Corey's outfit in that photo? He looks like the world's worst cat burglar.
posted by Ryan at 2:58 PM
I had posted this last night very briefly, and in that time, Jim managed to send me this article, which I find interesting. Review at your leisure. I'm not sure I agree with what the author of this article says in it's entirety, but here at League of Melbotis, there are no stupid ideas, only stupid me.
Below is what I originally said:
I'm a fan of objectivity in my journalism. I am aware that from a truly critical stand-point, no person can truly be objective. I am also aware that a pretense of objectivity, is, at it's very heart, deceptive. HOWEVER, the recent trend toward mixing editorialization (thanks Fox News) with actual factual reporting has done some strange things.
I was struck by the oddity of Peter Arnett's release from National Geographic and NBC today. Reporters must now be very careful what they say, and not just in giving away troop movements. Apparently disagreeing with the Pentagon press releases and those sassy generals who take the podium everyday in their desert camouflage (which clashes very badly with that "we're on CNN!" backdrop) is a BIG no-no. Is Arnett wrong to perform this interview anymore than the American press whom have volunteered to be mouthpieces for the US military by embedding themselves into army units? The question arises: when CAN reporters be blunt about their assesment if it does not coincide with the objectives of the US government powers-that-be? This is not a question of a Dixie Chick trash talking in London, this is a very seasoned journalist with a front row seat being asked to recant his observations, and STILL paying the price with his job. Is Christiane Amanpour required to regurgitate the press releases generated from Virginia when she's sitting in Kuwait, lest she be removed from the airwaves?
I don't know, but I do know I find the control of information and number of coerced public apologies cropping up lately a bit disturbing. The news media's collusion in this and their adoption of "if you're not with us, you're against us" smacks of that fun term I don't get to use often enough.. Neo-McCarthyism! How do we recognize when we've crossed that fine line in protecting ourselves?
posted by Ryan at 8:32 AM
Monday, March 31, 2003
I wasn't planning on adding anything else, but what the hell is wrong down at Fox?
Corey "Shut up, Corey" Clark, one of American Idol's final 9 contestants apparently spent last fall beating up his sister and some cops. I realize the producers of American Idol are very busy people, but is a criminal background check THAT complicated? Read the article to understand what I mean.
I watch a fair amount of American Idol. My wife is enamored with the show, but as she tolerates my adoration of all things Superman, I let this little fault slide. Last summer, I dubbed Kelly Clarkson a pie-faced dweeb, and I guarantee you, America, when her stupid movie with Justin Guarini is released, you too shall turn on this talentless powder puff. I suspect that Kimberly Caldwell (the girl who has taken Renee Zellweger's line and claimed Katy, TX is a small town and not part of the Houston megalopolis) will be this season's Kelly. She's talentless and blonde, so America's text-voting teen-populace must love her. I mean, they keep buying Mariah Carey albums, so why not this, too?
I myself am a Trenyce man. Go Trenyce.
One could navel gaze endlessly about why so many tune into "unscripted" television (and I suspect multiple blogs do so, because the press likes to talk about that more than obesity), but the truth is this: We've already seen every scripted show in prime time. I mean, has it not occured to the Powers That Be that after 10 seasons on the air, Law and Order might have already run out of ideas? No. Rather, we've added 15 other Law and Order shows, and what the hell happened to Dragnet? Is it even on anymore?
We've seen all the shows that people would actually believe in a fictional context, so now we require Fear Factor to display that Miss USA WILL eat pig testicles for her favorite charity. I mean, it doesn't make for a good episode of the Golden Girls, but the "Oh, sweet Christ, no!" factor is undeniable.
After how many seasons of Jerry and 15 runs of Survivor, people still do not realize that only 1 in a thousand reality television show contestants actually go onto other things. Can you name even 7 of the final 10 contestants from American Idol last season? Probably not, and millions watched the show. And so the program draws in contestants like Corey "Shut up, Corey" Clark, Cop Fighter!
I wouldn't suggest that one NOT watch these shows, I mean, the alternative is Yes, Dear and According to Jim, for God's sake, but keep in mind that every one of these contestants is as dumb as a post and unemployable enough that they have TIME to not work for a month of shooting. Just remember that when you put that pie-faced dweeb, Kimberly Caldwell up on a pedastal. And if ANYONE buys the Kelly Clarkson CD and can PROVE they're still listening to it regularly in two months, I will send them $100.
I think the most original scripted program on the air today is probably Invader Zim, and that may be only because I've seen only a handful of episodes.
posted by Ryan at 10:43 PM
jdedman4: any blog topics tonight?
Steanz: My insecurity in putting up a blog
jdedman4: self referential, that's good
Steanz: well, it is a little weird, i think
jdedman4: that is what blogging is about
Steanz: anyway, it'll be up before 10pm
jdedman4: obsevations on life/culture with odd personal tidbits
jdedman4: part commentary / part voyeurism
I'm going through a period of self-doubt about the very notion of this (or any other) blog. Specifically, I'm uncomfortable with anyone reading the text I might put online, especially given that I agreed to begin this blog as a one-man forum (which is what?) to espouse a dissenting slant on political/ whatever issues as put forth by an associate of mine. I would suggest it is only my own hubris which allowed me to originally begin this blog for the above stated purpose. I'm usually ill-informed and prone to knee-jerk sentiment, all of which makes most of this a waste of valuable internet real-estate. By assuming that others would wish to actually spend their valuable time perusing this blog (journal? chronicle? steaming pile of crap?), am I indulging in the most narcissistic behavior since I was 8 and put my own face on a novelty t-shirt which I proudly wore for the better part of a year? No, there are no photos, so don't ask.
The whole thing has an ugly Reality TV-contestant vibe. By virtue of even creating a posting, I am demanding the attention of others with this digital soapbox, yet I am neither talented nor good looking enough to get my own show based on any true merit. Cyberspace (for lack of a better geographic description) is a very, very big place, and I would suspect that virtually no one, including family and friends, who has received the link to this site, will ever click on the link to the blog after an initial inspection. This is both liberating and somewhat ego-crushing. Of course it would be nice to think the sound and fury means something, but let's be realistic.
That said, tonight I am tired. It was a long day down at the salt mines. I'd rather not go into it here because even Jamie looked a little bored with my tales of woe.
Melbotis has a friend who lives on the other side of our cinder-block fence (all fences in Chandler are made of cinder-block). He's some sort of whte dog with some pit bull in him, I think. Every night when I let Mel out to go and enjoy the back yard we maintain so very nicely for him, he goes to the corner behind the lime tree and barks. Eventually his friend jumps up on the fence, leans over the very top of it, barks once or twice, and then falls back on his side of the fence. The white dog will do this all day. Jump, bark, fall. Mel has to do very, very little to participate but bark back. Mel is also fairly overweight and incapable of getting in the Subaru without a little assistance, so to expect much out of him as part of this game is probably unrealistic.
posted by Ryan at 8:44 PM
Sunday, March 30, 2003
Greetings and welcome to the League of Melbotis weblog. For those of you NOT in the know, Melbotis is my dog. He's a good boy and he knows absolutely no tricks. Melbotis was not always my dog, he used to live with Jenny Perkins, so if I ever track her down, I have to give credit to her diligence in bringing up such a fine dog.
This weekend I was told to create a blog by Jim Tiberius Dedman of www.jdedman.com I suggest you check out the link. Usually it's a really good site, unless he doesn't update it, but he does that very regularly.
Jim's a good guy, and against my better judgement, I've known him for several years. Anyway, I think his intention was that I blog to create some sort of dialogue about political matters. That's fine. I'm not sure how many people want to hear my side, but it seems better than generating e-mail or trying to keep up with Jimbo on AIM. It turns out that Jim types faster than me.
I'm currently living in Chandler, Arizona, which is a bedroom community about 30-40 minutes from the airport, but still considered to be in the Phoenix metroplex. I'm more or less from Austin, Texas, and I miss Guero's and Rudy's like some folks might miss an arm or foot.
In order to entertain myself out here in the desert, I read a lot of Superman comics, watch Monster Garage, and try to keep the pets entertained. Lately, I've been watching the war footage and shrieking in horror. Bombs make me nervous, even bombs far, far away, so I've decided that today I will not venture into man's inhumanity to man as a topic. Thus, I will keep my comments about Scottsdale brief.
This weekend Jamie and I attended the Tempe Arts Festival.
Scottsdale is North of Tempe, but apparently not far enough away. It's a place where really hideous rich people go to freak out and buy cars bigger than mine, leaving me insanely jealous. The citizens of Scottsdale descend on things like the Tempe Arts Festival in terrible pastels and with strollers full of kids named "Austin" and "Tyler" and "Britney". Their purchasing power has created an environment where its apparently impossible to sell or show anything resembling art at the arts fair. I'm not one who believes in high or low art, but I'm pretty sure that putting sequins on a denim skirt to look like a kitty does not qualify as even the dumbest of folkart. Nothing made with a machine bought from RonCo counts as art. Patrick Nagel fans take heed.
In investigating the tents set up along the way, I discovered that all you need to do to participate in the Tempe Arts fest is to have $400 to rent out a space, get a tent, and procure some crappy faux-Native American art, like a clay bowl or something. There are other objects'd'arte (sp?), like cuh-razy pictures of dogs and cats, and Henna art for mommies who are trying to remember when they were crazy, pissed-off undergrads. Anyway, it was a bit of a letdown. And too many pan flutes. Far too many pan flutes.
The art fair made me wonder what all the millions of art majors are doing once they graduate from college. Are they all at these fairs hawking rusted copper yard ornaments in the shapes of kitties? I don't know where the art majors go, but I suspect they end up doing tech support at Dell. That's what I think us failed film majors are up to.
In the end, I did get a bag of cinammon roasted almonds, which made the trip actually not seem completely wasted.
Jamie (the little lady) and I took Melbotis to the park on Saturday. It was a fine time and we flew the Justice League kite I bought at the gas station for $2.50. Given the price I paid to see XXX, I think the $2,50 was a much better investment. Typical of Chandler, Tumbleweed Park is a sprawling grass something or other watered by sewage, an investment of millions of dollars, and completely devoid of any actual patrons. Well, this week there was a children's birthday party going down, but instead of using the acres and acres of grass and park, the parents had rented a moonbounce. All the kids out here rent moonbounces on their birthdays. Every Saturday there's one of these atrocities sticking up over somebody's cinder-block fence, accompanied by the shrill partying of seven year olds.
I do occasionally enjoy the punch drunk feeling of thirty minutes in the Arizona sunshine. I miss Central Texas sunshine more, but Arizona does have a few good things. Anyway, the park is a good thing, and I secretly hope nobody ever finds it. Melbotis and I like it a lot. We hope to spend many more Saturdays there before people come in and ruin our public park. My goal now is to teach Mel to carry the ball all the way back to the car by himself.
No political commentary here, per se. Maybe next time. Anyway, I hope this is okay.
posted by Ryan at 8:18 PM
Greetings, mortals. This is my very, very first post to this blog. Jim Dedman is a weenie.
posted by Ryan at 10:29 AM
Sunday, March 20, 2005
It's been a while since we've heard from you. Are you still answering questions? What's your take on new puppy Lucy? How has her presence changed your life? How has it changed Jeff the Cat's?
Melbotis agree that it been long time since Mel say much. Ever since Mel get e-mail, Mel have many, many e-mails. Mel keep getting e-mail from many bank asking for information for verification and Mel keep having to send and send and send. Won't bank keep Mel information written down on sticky paper?
Also, Mel send off for pills to make Mel a "man." Mel looking forward to being man and yelling at other dogs. "Sit down, doggy! Go outside, doggy!" Mel will play trick when Mel is man and Mel will go into garbage can all he want and nobody stop him.
This is what Mel think he look like when he is man.
(Mel not sure if this accurate, but Mel hear this man maybe have no testicles either)
Mel will answer many questions when Mel get them, but sometime Mel get question and he forget despite Mel having best of intentions.
Thank you, Jamie for reminding Mel every ten minutes of e-mail.
You ask about little black dog who show up. Little black dog kind of scare Mel, then Mel remember he is huge and show little black dog who boss is. So Mel pretend to eat little black dog, and when that not work, Mel actually try to eat little black dog. Little black dog is much better now.
In some way, little black dog is happy addition to backyard. Mel spend many, many afternoon in backyard with nothing to do except protect house from stupid neighbor dog. And while laying in sunshine and occasionally barking at other doggies has it plusses, sometimes Mel will get bored and sleep for, oh.... ten hour straight. Mel suppose this not real good for Mel's weight (which Stupid Man always say is, "Just fine, my man. We'll be fat together.")
Anyway, little black dog say to me, "Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy!"
And Mel say, "What?"
And she say, "What?"
And Mel say, "You say 'Hey, doggy!'"
And little black doggy say, "What?"
And Mel say, "What?"
And then little black doggy go off and chew on a rock.
Sometime she chew on Mel's ear, and Mel have to pin Lucy, but all in all, Mel like little black doggy and hope he not have to eat her.
Before answering mail, Mel went to cat and said, "hey, Cat! What about little black dog?"
And Jeff say, "-the temperature at 5:00 shall be 72 degrees with winds out of the southwest."
And Mel say, "No, little black doggy."
And Jeff say, "Your classic rock station with all the hits! Rockin' 98.5 FM!!!!"
So Mel not sure. But sometime Jeff throw up now after little black doggy tries to say "Hello."
Mel hope all Leaguers having good day. Mel happy to be back at glowy pizza box thing.
Thursday, January 15, 2004
When is it okay to play with the lights off?
This is toughy. Mel not absolutely sure when it okay. When mel in yard, sometime the light on and sometime the light off. Light on mostly in middle of day in yard, but at same time, light off in house. At night, outside, light off. In house, light on, until chubby-man-thing go to bed. Then light off. Lady sleep all time whether light on, off, flickering, music blasting or cat sitting on her head. When the light go off in house at night, man say "All right, pets. Time for bed." which is dumb, because bed is always there. No time for bed. So when light on in backyard mel run and run and runa nd run and bark at stupid neighbor dog. Bark bark bark. At night, light off in yard, and Mel run and run and run and bark bark bark. Not make much difference.
But Mel suspect something deeper lay at root of Josh question. So mel think and think and think and think and think and come up with nothing. So he think some more. And then he think how sad he not know and want a treat because when mel eat, mel happier. So Mel lay down and think about treat. But Mel think maybe you ask Mrs. Lowry when it okay, and if that not good, you ask Mrs. Lowry dad, because he know Don to be straight shooter. In fact, mel will forward question to Mr. Shannon Dad and tell him Josh ask and then he be very proud.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
What's Ryan and Jamie Steans really like? Is the irreverant, off-beat humour Ryan presents in his blog merely a front for somethng more sinister? What kind of evil lie in their hearts?
Me am so glad you kick off Ask Melbotis! question column with serious intellectual challenge! Mel also impressed with inappropriate use of plural/ non-plural in your question. So! What am Ryan and Jamie really like? Ryan is like stinky recliner and Jamie is like big white squirrel with no tail. Hello! Where is the ball? Hello! But to point... am Ryan sinister instead off-beat humor? Where is ball? Hello, ball. Is treat time? Hello! Is man-chair and white squirrel sinister? Possibly. Sometime they go off to outer space and leave me in house or yard until sun come back down and then I bark bark bark bark and birds poop on tree. Good-bye.
Monday, May 08, 2006
TST has given me her permission to re-direct you to her site. She recently completed the 95th day of a 95 day eating disorder recovery program.
Her comments are honest and enlightening, and I highly recommend her blog as reading to all Leaguers.
Hey, ya'll... We have two very different letters sent in to the Melbotis Mailbag as well as a question from the Mellie Noms. I will still be digging back through the Mellies Noms to answer all of your questions.
Steven submitted this with his Nominations:
In the future, The League should not ________
Use vaguely Biblical and/or archaic, beautiful language to describe infertility or other personal ailments. It has had a searing effect upon my mind:
"Now, it's more or less public knowledge that Jamie's insides are a rocky place where my seed can find no purchase."
This sentence is both beautiful, cruel, and sad; it has etched itself into my mind.
I wish I could take credit for this one, Steven, but I can't. While somewhat accurate to describe our personal childless status, I lifted this from the opening of the Coen Bros. classic, "Raising Arizona" as H.I. McDonough realizes that his beautiful wife, Ed, is barren. Nobody has a talent for dialogue like the Coens. I believe the exact line was "At first we could not understand why this woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee valley, could not bear children. But the doctor explained that Ed's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."
I apologize for any discomfort.
As Steanso or CBG could tell you, "Raising Arizona" is just about one of my favorite movies of all time. If you haven't seen it in a while, I think you should watch it as soon as possible.
Why doesn't the League have an ATOM feed? My other friends' blogspot blogs all have them. Is it a preference you have to enable? RSS and ATOM feeds are neat.
Well, Doug, Mel has no idea what you're talking about, but he does ask "Am I a good boy?" The answer is, "Yes, you are a good boy!" to Mel's question. The answer to your question is more complicated.
I looked into an RSS feed a long time ago with the help of Steve G. Harms. It turns out Really Simple Symdication is a @#$%ing lie. The tools I looked at kept spitting me code that didn't seem to do anything. I would plug it in here, I would plug it in there, and nothing happened. Nothing. I couldn't figure out what was up, so I quit.
Also, I'm not really clear on what the point is of RSS. I sit in front of a computer all day for a living and I work in an online media environment, and I'm still a bit confused as to what RSS is supposed to be doing for me in general, let alone in relation to a blog. It seems a little bit self-important for The League to be blasting you guys to come read our latest navel-gazing hoo-hah.
Jim D. writes in with a comic related question.
Are really good stories that are told prior to a continuity reboot somehow tainted because they are no longer in the continuity?
What Jim is talking about is some serious comic-nerdy stuff, so I'll try to explain.
You can refer to my prior post on Continuity here for a primer on continuity in comics.
Every once in a while a comic will get stale, an idea worn thin, or become implausible or goofy as time marches on and the comic reading and writing populace becomes more sophisticated. (I use the word "sophisticated" with no small amount of reservation.)
Thusly, a company may decide to "reboot" a character. The most famous instances of such a reboot actually belong to the Big 3 at DC: Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. In 1986, after a company wide event known as Crisis on Infinite Earths, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman were each assigned to top-shelf comic creators who were asked to re-tell their origin with a modern sensibility.
I'll stick with the Superman reboot as it probably had the most long-standing changes to the origin and character.
John Byrne re-told the story of Superman's origin in "Man of Steel", a 6-issue limited series that was then followed up with the appropriate changes in Superman, Adventures of Superman and Action Comics. Prior to Man of Steel, Superman had been a Super-powered youngster in Smallville who took on the name "Superboy", fought crime and natural disasters and generally had some nice adventures as a teen-ager in an idyllic Kansas small town. Whenever he felt like it, Superboy would join up with a gang of teen-age Superheroes in the 30th Century known as The Legion of Superheroes.
Also, the motivation for Lex Luthor's anti-Superman-scheming ways could be found in Superboy. Apparently Lex and Superboy had been pals, with Lex helping Superboy out as a child-genius scientist. Lex had a fire in his lab, and Superboy blew it out, spraying chemicals on Lex's head which caused her hair to fall out. Being a vain little goon, Lex decided Superboy was jealous of him and had caused the entire scenario to humiliate him.
Superboy had his own comics, appeared in Adventure Comics for years, and also was part of the cast of the fan-favorite Legion of Superheroes.
Byrne wished to look to the original version of Superman who had not, in 1938, spent time as Superboy, and struck Superboy from the record. Needless to say, Byrne removed the Lex hair removal bit from Superman's history. Lex was now a corporate tycoon who despised Superman for exposing some of his criminal activity and humiliating him (ie: arresting him) in public. Lex also went bald the year Superman appeared in Metropolis. I think the suggestion was that the stress got to him.
This decision to rework the Superman mythos forced the cancellation of Superboy comics as well as Legion of Superheroes. Legion would need to be rebooted as Superboy was no longer part of their lore. Further, Krypto was struck from existence as Krypto had been Superboy's pet pup on Krypton, and had appeared mainly in Silver-Age Superboy comics.
Are the stories from the first 50 years of DC/ National's history "tainted" by the decisions in 1986? I can't see how you can they aren't. After all, those stories no longer "exist" in the minds of the Superheroes wandering the DCU. Or, at least, they didn't until Infinite Crisis #4. So, God knows what the next 20 years will look like.
It's my opinion that the Crisis events were a small bit of genius on the part of the DC editorial staff. Continuity could continue, characters could advance, and it didn't necessarily throw the baby out with the bathwater in retelling the story of the DCU. But you also didn't need to worry about reading every issue of "Superman's Pal: Jimmy Olsen". In a way, in the DCU, it's ALL continuity. It just depends on which aspect of the universe you're looking at, be it the 1939 version of Superman or some version of him from the animated series.
I guess the question then is: Are the pre-reboot stories still enjoyable?
Again, this is my opinion, but: Yeah. I like reading the stories from the 1950's and 60's and being allowed to know that they're a product of their time and place. The stories can serve as a relic of a bygone era and still be strip-mined by today's creators for the best parts. Sure, the format is simple, and the stories geared at kids, but there's a bit of raw energy there and a puzzle-solving nuance that's all but gone from comics these days. (You couldn't show Superman beating the tar out of people in the 1950's thanks to threats from parents' groups, so he HAD to do something).
The fusion of past and present is exactly what's making Grant Morrison's "All-Star Superman" such an amazing comic read.
In the meantime, other comics such as re-boots of the Superboy concept and Legion of Superheroes have struggled endlessly since they were written out of existence. Something happened there that took the wind out of the sails of both concepts, and it's left both franchises gasping.
The Smallville TV show mixes the heroics of the Superboy comics with the costumeless alien coming to terms with a destiny that Byrne described. Legion of Superheroes has had, I believe, three separate launches since 1986. Most likely because Paul Levitz, who once wrote "definitive" Legion stories is now running DC. It will be interesting to see if folks regain interest in the Legion again with "Superboy and the Legion" coming to TV this fall on Cartoon Network.
In the end, you have to answer the question for yourself. How do you, as a reader, feel about these decades of pre-1986 DC comics? You can mine them for comics history or dismiss them as the past.
I do think the reason DC appeals more to an older readership than the teen-ager audience (who seem to enter comics invariably through Wolverine and Spidey) is due to an adult's sense of perspective and understanding of the importance of history. Marvel is getting there. In the past two or three years they've really learned to take a look at their roots and have made some hand-waving about their own "golden age".
I guess, as a rule, reboots do need to be kept to a minimum. It is difficult to keep up with character change after character change, as well as plot alterations, etc... The rules of continuity still apply. Editors need to show the greatest amount of foresight possible when re-writing the histories of their characters or you stand to lose your long-standing leadership all together.
Again to the Superman case: Superman's fan base was expected to grow with the reboot, but in the intervening years, that's not really happened. A lot of folks were put off by the drastic changes Byrne brought to the character. Despite Berganza's shaky record as an editor, he was willing to reintroduce elements of the Silver-Age of Krypton. I'll be curious to learn Superman's new status-quo in the upcoming year as Infinite Crisis once-again provides opportunities to alter the character's past to reset and look to the future.
On a personal note: I do buy collections of older comics. I do enjoy the stories. I highly recommend readers pick up what they can afford of the old stuff. Most of it doesn't show the same cinematic quality of modern comics, but the comics are also usually a lot denser in plot and generally a fun read.
That's it for today's Melbotis Mailbag. Don't forget to keep sending in those questions.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
I am flattered that Leaguers are asking about whether or not we're still shutting down, whether we'll continue on, if there aren't possibilities for other outlets, etc...
Its always been a shock to me that so few have written in asking me to please, please just stop it seemed nice enough. Knowing that anyone gives a darn enough to ask that we should continue is a bit overwhelming.
To cut to the chase, here's the game plan.
1) December 20th, in the PM, I will have up the final post. It's done already.
2) We will continue to maintain a presence on Facebook at facebook.com/melbotis. A lot of the smaller items you'd find here are what you'll find there. We're also on Twitter, but that's a repost of Facebook, so there you go. twitter.com/melbotis
3) April 21st, 2010, I will make a statement on Facebook in regards to any future plans for more blogging activity.
I need to give myself hard deadlines on this stuff as it will force decisions one way or another. I was a PM for a while.
Anyway, it's been suggested I talk about favorite posts.
Rather than do that (because I've got 3,300+ posts) I welcome you guys to guest-post on any particular League-related topic, post, etc... that caught your fancy. You can contact me via e-mail. We'll run those right up until that last week.
I will, I believe, have some sort of series of "before we go" posts to wrap things up. So, if you have any requests, send them in. We live to serve, and I'll be looking for ideas for generating content. And, no, I have no idea what I mean by "if you have any requests".
Thursday, November 09, 2006
THE LEAGUE LAUNCHES THE FIRST VOLLEY IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS
Hey, Leaguers. We've been living out of town for a while. Some folks might say, too long. But we're back, and happy to have returned to the city that wore a violet crown.
After much pondering, we've decided that nothing says "we're glad to be back" like opening your doors to your friends and providing a veggie tray. And what better time of the year to show a little hospitality than during the Holiday Season?
So, without further ado, we invite you to The League of Melbotis 2006 Holiday Spectacular!
What: a lovely holiday party
Where: League HQ in S. Austin
When: December 9th. Doors open at 7:00 PM.
There will be a tree, lights, elves, a five-round cage match, and all the things you want out of an old-fashioned Holiday get together. And, I think if you ask, Jamie will play you a few Holiday tunes on her piano. Feel free to sing along, Steanso.
We hope you can come (yes... YOU), so mark your calendar now. Also, if you have ideas, would like to provide a service for the party, or just generally want to be a busy-body, e-mail us to let us know what you have in mind.
We will provide cookies, treats, a bit of food and some spirits for the occasion, but feel free to partake in the merriment by sharing in bringing some hooch of your own to be split several ways among attendees.
So, Leaguers, get the Yule Log out of storage, fire up the cocoa and find your tackiest Christmas sweater, because we're ready to help you blow off some steam as you head toward the 25th.
And remember, living outside of town is no excuse for not showing up.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Wow, did 2005 suck. Hurricanes. Tsunami after-effects. Political scandal. War. No Hot Tamales at the Gilbert WTC. Multiple hospital stays for Jamie. Cancellation of Arrested Development.
Yeah, you know what... @#$% you, 2005.
Anyway, Happy New Year, Loyal Leaguers.
The League of Melbotis 2005 Person of the Year
We name this person Person of the Year with some trepidation as we recently learned that Jim D's own mother reads this site from time to time. Mrs. D, I gotta ask that you forgive me for this one, but it was already in the works.
Without further ado, The League of Melbotis presents our first Person of the Year.
Congratulations, Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng. You are 2005's selection for Person of the Year.
Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng, well... I feel really awkward with Mrs. D reading this, but... you know... Anyway, he pulled a truck across a parking lot using his penis as an anchor.
That makes him not just Person of the Year, but, in fact, MAN of the year.
Article 1 on the amazing feat.
Here is Tu Jin-Sheng's own website, ironcrotch.com
Special thanks to Loyal Leaguer Dan Peters for informing me of this amazing feat.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Are we alone in the universe?
p.s. Why don't you have comments?
Me have waited until now to answer Molly question since Molly went off to see Elephunts in land where it often rainy. And Mel not mean Houston.
Mel have deep belief that every living creature is made of same cosmic dust which resulted from big bang, and that all nature and creation nothing more than embodiment of energy resulting from whatever came before big bang. Some energy stay put and be like, say, sofa. Other energy become moving thing, like, say... cat. But in end, we are all made of protons and neutrons and quarks. But because we are all made of solid matter, we (sofa or cat) are all cosmically connected having come from result of big bang.
Mel think this mean you might want to avoid anti-matter so that universe does not collapse in on itself.
But then Mel see thing like stupid neighbor dog hanging over fence going barkbarkbark, and Mel know he can share cosmic connection and neighbor dog still is jerk.
Mel also know that in morning, people jangle keys and put on silly clothes and look for cell phone and go to work. And then Mel fall into pit of despair as people leave Mel all alone. But you know what? People always come home again, and then Mel know the universe is not black pit of meaningless despair. If people not come home, then Mel poop on carpet.
Sometime people ask Mel, "Hey, Mel... why no comments on page?" Mel only response is that League of Melbotis is no democracy. If you want thought published to site, send letter to Mel, and Mel is happy to remove four-letter names assigned to Ryan and then post letter.
Have good day, Molly. Hope you liked India.
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
i am writing to you as a last resort. i just don't know what to do anymore. everyday, i tell myself things are going to be different. i tell myself i can be good. but then i innocently wander into the laundry room and catch a glimps of black, white, or, especially, red satin. i turn my head away. i try desperately to pull myself out but then i figure one little sniff won't hurt. will it? just one little sniff of that precious piece just spilling over the top of the hamper. next thing i know i wake up four hours later, passed out, with my nose through the crotch of my mommy's underwear. when i realize what i've done, i panic. i hide it. underneath my bed, underneath her bed, underneath the couch. anywhere. and i tell myself it was only a momentary lapse. tomorrow i'll be good. oh! melbotis, what should i do? I can't take it anymore! i want to be a good girl, i really do. I just can't stop myself that from eating underwear crotches.
desperate to change,
Mel think Mel should preface response with assumption that buffy is a dog. If buffy is, say... a person... buffy beyond Mel's realm of experience. Mel has come to understand many publication can cater to your particular issue, but Mel probably not much help. Look for red, glowing sign reading "XXX". Mel thinks you stand to make good deal of money publishing in these magazines.
If buffy is dog, mel at least can try to help.
buffy, mel not particularly interested in much outside of ball, toy, towel, stupid dog next door, treat and two silly people with whom mel cohabitates. mel not have clothes aside from collar, but often see how people take them off and then go in shower place. In shower place, the people often begin to howl and yowl. When chubby man go in shower, often I hear him saying:
I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have
Been any clearer
If you wanna make the world
A better place
(if you wanna make the
World a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change
(take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change)
(na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)
Then man dry off with towel (but not fun chew towel), and rub his teeth with stick. He put on pants and say "goodbye, Mel. Be a good boy, today!" and Mel say "Okay" and then chubby man go away. Then white lady scream "Holy Christ! I'm late!" and run out door. And clothes smell like people, but so do everything else in smelly house, so mel don't much care. But he notice cat often sit in pants or hat. Es muy mysterioso.
So mel decide cat is formost expert on pants and chewing and ask cat "why for do you sit in the chubby man blue pant?" and cat say "Heeba weeba blah blah blue." So I try again. "Hey stupid cat-" but cat is rude and say "Wubba wubba woop woop wooooooo". Then cat try to bit me.
So mystery of panty must remain a mystery to Mel. how sad. but maybe your owner lady buy hamper and put clothes in drawer instead of leaving underwear out all over place. That mel suggestion.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
My mother in law also writes an advice column. However, unlike your advice column, she has decided to let her other schizophrenic personalities join her in answering questions. I have noticed that your advice column is very successful, in some ways even more successful than my crazy mother in law's (and I mean "crazy" in the most endearing of ways. She does have three or four personalities, evidently.) own column. For instance, nobody writes to ask my mother in law for advice anymore, just one guy named Ryan who has been kind enough to send several questions. How does Melbotis manage to get so many questions? Also, can dogs be schizophrenic?
How to get so many question? Mel think that many people not have fulfilling life like Mel and need guidance. And Dr. Phil much more difficult to get hold of.
But how answer so many question tricky part. Mel have very busy schedule! First, Mel go outside and poo and then lay down in grass. Then Mel lay there all day until white lady come home and pet me on head. THen I bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Later, Mel eat and wag tail. Then chubby man come home and pet Mel on head. Then chubby man goes into closet and change pants which is sight to behold. Then Mel follow man around house until man find Mel toy and shake it at Mel face and say "Here's your damn toy. Now will you piss off so I can sit down for two minutes?" So Mel try to play with toy and drop it on chubby man until he play with Mel. This consist of Mel trying to remove teeth by gripping tightly to toy while chubby man lean backward.
Then Mel go outside and bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Then white lady go to bed and Mel get milkbone and go outside.
How to keep schedule of answer question? Mel not sure, but it real pleasure. Also, cat is ghost writer.
Is dog schizophrenic? We not know.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Firstly, today was a wild day here at League of Melbotis. JimD sent a link from my Chuck E. Cheese post to Whitney Matheson at Pop Candy. (Matheson is the same blogger who recently asked my Devo question...) Matheson posted the link, and my hit count jumped from its usual 45 hits or so a day (that includes a lot of folks accidentally hitting the site) to about 1800 at last count.
That's a lot of people hearing about my tight slacks and aversion to messy children.
Anyhow, I welcome all the new folks who might stop by. We always appreciate new visitors here at The League, and we hope you enjoy your stay. Please feel free to poke around, ask questions, and generally make yourself at home.
It's always fun getting some visitors who aren't usually at the site. I totally recommend going back and reading the comments section as several other Chuck E. Cheese alumni piped up with similar tales. Great stuff.
Bankston on MSNBC
My former roommate, Kevin Bankston, appeared on MSNBC's "Countdown with Keith Olbermann" this evening arguing for the Electronic Frontier Foundation's lawsuit against the government for illegal wiretapping.
You have to understand how weird it is to see the same guy using the same tone with Keith olbermann that he once used to argue that it was MY turn to clean the living room.
I'd rather we not actually debate the topic here, as this isn't that kind of blog, but be a little weirded out that the guy with whom I share a multitude of embarrassing memories is now an important attorney-guy/ pundit.
Old times, old crimes.
Nimoy and New Trek in Austin
It seems the Alamo Drafthouse is a bit bigger deal than I realized. There was a showing of Star Trek II, Wrath of Khan at the Alamo this week with, supposedly, a few minutes of the new Trek sent by the studio. The Alamo surprised the audience with a guest appearance by none other than Leonard Nimoy (that's Spock to you non-nerds), the sort of proto-celeb to us in geek-kind.
In 6th grade, and I wish I were making this up, I had gerbils named "Leonard Nimoy" and "Richard Nixon". Let us speak on this no further.
Well, THEN Paramount pulled the coolest switcheroo in geek history by showing the entirety of the new Trek movie to the assembled.
Read it here in the NYT.
DAMMIT, MAN!!! Sadly, I probably would have missed it had I been in town because I did just watch Star Trek II on cable. Twice.
Spock is my homeboy.
I'm probably way late on this, but... it sort of sums up my feelings on a lot of why I can't fully embrace Twitter as a social tool.
Some times the simple ideas are the best
I saw very little of Minneapolis while there. I can say the conference was pretty cool, and I learned a lot. Too much stuff going on during any hour, so I missed stuff that I couldn't split in two or three to visit.
There was snow on the ground when I arrived, but it all melted by the time I walked around a very little bit on Sunday. After that, I never really left the office.
Anyhow, I'm back. And I'm going to catch up on some sleep.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I am assuming that I'm going to go out in a pretty awesome manner. I feel obligated to provide you guys with instructions that are relatively easy to improvise by, as, depending upon awesomeness of my passing, there may or may not be a body at all.
Firstly, there are going to be a lot of women who are going to regret that they never took their shot at me while they had the chance. It is up to you to calm these women down so they don't upset Jamie. It's also best that there's not an open casket if there is a body, so nobody tries to climb inside and be buried with me out of grief.
No doubt the City of Austin, State of Texas and Federal Government are going to want to pool their resources to finally build that Colossus type statue of me and Mel in the middle of Lady Bird Lake. What I would suggest is that you just make the statue roughly life-sized, and put it by the side of the lake, then use the unspent moneys to have a party down by my statue. Be very selective about music, and remember people all can agree on mariachi and break beat. Also, provide fruit punch so nobody gets dehydrated.
Again, there are going to be a lot of women who are going to want to stand vigil all night by my statue. I suggest you discourage this behavior, but I'd hate to see the cops get involved, because we really won't need any rioting if the ladies are turned away.
1) In the event there is a body: Cremation.
2) In the event I've disappeared under mysterious circumstances: Wire all funds to the National Bank of Switzerland under the name Friedrich Von Happelhausen. Friedrich will be sure to settle my affairs. Do not seek out Friedrich, or notice that he and I look very much alike, save Friedrich's affectation for wearing a mustache, top hat and monocle.
3) Many will wish to eulogize me. Do not let them. It will just upset the ladies all the more, and/ or cause a traffic jam in the aisle as all who wish to rush to relate my awesomeness compact the walkway. Instead, just play the funeral scene from Star Trek II on a 60" flatscreen.
4) Flowers are allowed, but only the purest white magnolias and orchid blossoms shall festoon the coffin.
5) The coffin, which will be empty*, shall be made of the shiniest polished steel and be adorned with a large crest of The House of El.
6) No eternal flame. I hate to think of the gas bill.
7) At my final resting place, it will be tempting to erect a monument which dwarfs all those around my empty coffin, capped with a statue of Lucy as an angel, complete with halo and harp. But that is a bit much. A simple slab of pure, polished steel, again emblazoned with the Crest of The Man of Steel in 24K gold, shall be placed over my resting spot. No name or words are necessary. Just the shield, my years of life, and the word "awesome".
8) My ashes shall be scattered with those of Melbotis, my one true friend who was not above giving me his honest, harshest criticism when I needed it most.
9) I wish to be sent to the oven in a blue suit, with a red tie, wearing my Superman costume underneath in an undetectable fashion.
10) It is completely normal to end a funeral with a screaming guitar solo and fireworks.
11) Do not let Randy into the after party if he did not remember to wear a tie. Someone may wish to bring an extra, just in case.
My Worldly Possessions:
In my travels I have accumulated a wide variety of items which I sincerely hope will not lead to bitter strife within my family, loved ones and secret concubines as they seek to break up this astounding collection amongst themselves.
The Comics: All trade paper backs, graphic novels and spined books are to be given to the Libraries at the University of Texas into the Ryan "Awesome" Steans Memorial Collection. If they do not want the comics, it is okay to just leave them at the loading dock behind the PCL, just east of Whitis.
The "floppies" shall be broken up as a collection and sold for a fair market value. Except for the Jimmy Olsens, Action Comics and Supermans. The Jimmy Olsens shall go into the furnace with my body, mingling with my own ashes.
The Action Comics and Superman shall be locked into a steel storage facility 30 floors below sea level where they shall be safe for the next million years, only to be discovered by a super-intelligent race of opossums who will have dominated the world by that time (tragically, they will have lost their child rearing pouches through the mysteries of evolution).
The statues shall be donated to a display at the Ryan "Awesome" Steans Reform School for Wayward Teenage Girls, which shall be set up with a portion of my vast wealth. May those young ladies look upon the plaster visages of the Justice League and learn a bit about moral fortitude.
My clothes shall be donated to a scholarship for chubby, oversized teen-age boys who like Superman and UT football.
Jamie will, of course, become available once again. I ask that you give her space to grieve, and recognize that while she may marry for financial security, that her suitors should be forewarned: once you've gone League... well, few other men will stack up.** That said, I suggest a contest of strength, wit and spirit shall be had between her many suitors. Gentlemen, I wish you luck.
Also, know Jamie will try to get you to clean the downstairs bathroom once a fortnight.
That is all
I suppose that should settle my earthly affairs. To my family, thanks. To those I leave behind: You were lucky to have known me. I'm pretty awesome.
To those kids the lawyers keep claiming were mine: You are in no way mine in any legal or biding sense, but you have been gifted with the greatest gift of all. Half your genes come from a pretty awesome guy and not tha conniving weasel you call a mother who wasn't even that great of a Putt-Putt Golf employee when I met her.
*I am terrified of zombie/ vampire/ ghoulism. Seriously. Cremate my body.
** probably Alec Baldwin
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The other powerhouse on that end of the comics spectrum is Marvel Comics, publisher of titles such as Spider-Man, Avengers, Iron Man, Fantastic Four and more.
As much as I love my DC, I'm not immune to the charms of the Marvel U. Recently I've been reading the "Civil War" cross-over and mega-event, as well as some of the fallout titles, such as "The Initiative".
Leaguers such as Peabo and Reedo will recall my former interest in X-Men and X-Men related titles. Sadly, my interest in Marvel's Merry Mutants hasn't been terribly high since Claremont left the X-Books in the early 90's. I enjoyed a brief resurgence with Grant Morrison's "New X-Men" and have followed that series and Joss Whedon's "Astonishing X-Men" as trade paperback collections. Both Whedon and Morrison told the kind of mutant-centric tales I enjoy, although Whedon seems to skew too far into generic superheroic tales.
I also pick up the Ultimate Spider-Man collections (which Jamie reads before I do), the Ultimates collections, and the Supreme Power trades (although I've not picked up the new Squadron Supreme books).
With "The Initiative", I'm once again picking up monthly Marvel titles as I try to suss out what the new Marvel universe will look like. For those who don't know, the Marvel U recently passed a law asking all the superheroes to register as federal agents, quit, or become outlaws. It's a fairly major seismic shift, and it's piqued my interest.
My other Marvel reading includes two of the Spider-Man books (as my love of Spidey comes and goes, but never really fades all together). I'm having a hard time picking up Peter David's "Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man". Something about Peter David has never really worked for me, although I don't react exactly negatively to his work. The issues I have picked up have been okay, but...
Black Panther has been on my pull list for a while. I love the idea of the book (king of a highly advanced African nation who uses super-intellect, super-tech and herbal supplements to defend his nation in both combat and "the hard stare" diplomacy), even if I do not always love the execution. I'm also picking up "Fantastic Four" while Black Panther enjoys a short stay on the team. We'll see if I stick with it.
Daredevil is a must-read (no, really. I think there should be a law), but it reads best in a collected format. Whether you're picking up Bendis' amazing run, or Brubaker's equally fascinating stories, I prefer to have a full Daredevil tale that I can sit and read in an evening. That said, the recent runs of Daredevil from Bendis and Brubaker are some of the best "superhero" comics out there, and fall in an interesting gap that looks a bit more like "the real world" than most comics. And it's generally far, far better than the movie from a few years back.
Marvel is also dipping into the world of literary adaptation. I picked up the first issue of "Last of the Mohicans" last week, and was pleasantly surprised. The dialog seems as if it was taken from the original book, and the art is okay, if not always great. The adventure genre translates very well to comics. However, I don't know if I like the multi-issue format, especially as I know that once the series is collected I'd proudly keep an illustrated "Last of the Mohicans" out on my shelf. So, yeah, I'll be picking up this series as a collection, as well as the upcoming "Treasure Island" (actually, especially "Treasure Island" which I loved reading when I was 10). Now, lets' get an illustrated "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea."
In many ways I'm not a fan of Marvel's Cosmic adventuring, such as Adam Warlock or even Captain Marvel. The concepts are usually much more interesting than the execution. I attempted to get into "Annihilation" limited series from last year, but just didn't make it past the second issue. But it looks like Marvel has sucked me back in. How, you ask?
ANNIHILATION: CONQUEST - STAR-LORD #1 (of 4)
Written by KEITH GIFFEN
Penciled by TIMOTHY GREEN
Cover by NIC KLEIN
Annihilation: Conquest continues here - - with the war book that brings back cosmic cult faves from throughout the decades! Peter Quill is once again Star-Lord - - but what could possibly make him take on his former identity? And what brings together the motley crew that includes Bug, Captain Universe, Deathcry, Mantis, Groot and Rocket Raccoon? Grab your blaster and say your prayers as Keith Giffen (ANNIHILATION) and soon-to-be star Timothy Green (Rush City) deliver a sci-fi twist on Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandos!
32 PGS./Rated T+ …$2.99
You didn't read the above solicitation, so let me point you to the two words that have me sold on this comic: Rocket Raccoon.
In middle-school I picked up the Rocket Raccoon mini-series from Austin Books (two owners ago). You either love/get Rocket Raccoon or you don't. Surely this book was never going to appeal to 80's comic fans seeking even more ninjas, but it DID appeal to those of us who liked the idea of a laser-pistol wielding raccoon with rocket-skates. Oh, yes. It did.
And it still does.
To explain the plot would be nothing but a grave injustice to the mayhem of the series, so i won't try. But after two decades of cooling his heels (and rocket skates), Rocket Raccoon will be appearing in a comic once again.
Let's all hope they collect the mini-series in some sort of prestige format.
And to get my current dose of RR, I'll have to jump into the middle of a massive cosmic cross-over that I abandoned some time ago. Go figure.