Ask Melbotis!!!

hey, kids!

If earning a Melly isn't your bag, and you feel you have more questions than answers, Melbotis is now here to solve your riddles and fill in those troublesome gaps public education was unable to properly caulk up.

Romantic trouble? Difficulties in the workplace? Need help sorting out a thorny legal issue? Melbotis is your dog!



Mel has seen a lot of the world, and he's met a lot of people. And, honestly, he's got a lot of sage wisdom I can't utilize all for myself.

So, if you have a question and you don't mind seeing it printed in these pages with a full answer to your question, why don't you write to Melbotis? He'd love to hear from you and he'd love to expound upon the many, many topics of which he is an expert.

(disclaimer: Melbotis's answers come from the mind of a dog which thinks anything beyond the fence is outer space. Legal advice is for entertainment purposes only.)

20 Years of Blogging, Part 2 - Together, We're a League of Something!

Editor's note:  This is Part 2 of a series.  You can view the first part with just the click of a button.  

also, this is a cross-post with media review site and PodCast, The Signal Watch.

So, yeah.  

By April of 2003, we were blogging.  For a look at the initial form of League of Melbotis on Blogspot/ Blogger, click on over to The Wayback Machine.  

As mentioned in the first post, soon I was emailing and managing comments from friends and strangers.  But, also, some of those pals already had their own blogs or quickly started one.  It was easy, often free, and gave folks a chance to speak their mind.  People were religious about their choice of platform.  Livejournal people developed quite the mythologizing about themselves that arguably continues to this day. WordPress users constantly complained about what they were using but refused to change.  

JimD started his first blog of many.  RHPT joined in.  Soon I was aware of Maxwell (she of the podcast) starting up Cowboy Funk, which detailed her life as a Texas ex-pat in NYC.  I knew her husband before we met via his own web-presence and mentions on the blog.  

Rusty writes:

Hi Melbotis this is Rusty Steans

Im a Bedlington Terrier and live across the pond in South Yorkshire England my hobbies include chasing rabbits, tennis balls and lady terriers

This is my dads bands Web Site: http://rock-it3.tripod.com/

Here is Rusty:



Dear Rusty,

Mel is so happy to hear from other doggy. Too often, Mel hear from nobody all day but stupid baby dog. Stupid baby dog say, "Hello! Hello! Hello! Me too! Me too! Me too!" That all she say all day.

Sometime Melbotis despair.

So Melbotis VERY happy to hear from Rusty.

But Mel must ask: Where does Rusty keep his eyes? Mel sees no eyeballs.

I ask Chubby-Couch-Man what pond is.

"What?"
"Pond."
"It's like a sort of standing body of water. Usually associated with pussywillows and lily-pads and... Wait, we live in Arizona. Why the hell do you care what a pond is?"
"Rusty live across pond."
"He lives in the UK. It's a sort of group of islands off the coast of France. They have kings and stuff. Occasionally they dominate the world."
"So what is Pond?"
"Uhmm... I dunno. It's a way to make fun of the Atlantic ocean and display friendship between the US and UK. We're just separated by a pond, not an ocean, see?"
"Is England an archipelago?"
"You know what, buddy. We're Americans. We don't need to really know a darn thing about geography. It's just not in us."
"I see."

So Mel not entirely certain what England is, but he happy to have friend like Rusty who lives on same island as Harry Potter.

Melbotis have pal, Steanso, who in band in Austin, Texas. You may try to understand what Mono Ensemble up to, because Mel not understand.

Mel more of a fan of Al Green and this record.

Anyway, Mel so happy to hear about Rusty and Trev. Hello! Hello!

UPDATE: We are not having the party. Apparently we got our dates mixed up. We will actually be attending a wedding that weekend. A wedding we knew was coming, but, for whatever reason, we thought was the 21st.

Soooo.... no party. Sorry, Leaguers. It was going to be a good one.

I assure you, getting an e-mail asking "But aren't you coming to the wedding?" from Loyal Leaguer Shannon L. was not how I wanted to begin my morning.

LEAGUE OF MELBOTIS HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR!!!

Hey, Leaguers...

So Jamie sez to me: Are we having a Halloween Party?
So I sez to her: I don't know (translation: I'd love to, but I am one lazy League)
So, she sez: We are.


Both fascinated and horrified, two who dared to witness the Spooktacular...


So! Leaguers, come one, come all to the 2006 League of Melbotis Halloween Spooktacular!

Here's the dealy-o...

what day is good for you? Friday the 27th or Saturday the 28th?

We're really trying to figure this out as we suspect we may be a bit late in trying to match everybody's Halloween and concert-going schedules. We are not having a party both nights. We just can't afford that much candy corn.


Ladies, this guy may corner you and ask about your major...

What you can expect:

-Jamie in her official League of Melbotis "Iron Butterfly" costume (plus, a demonstration of Iron Butterfly style kung-fu)
-Melbotis trying to get attention
-Spooktacular movies sort of playing in the background
-Some nifty Halloween decorations
-I suppose we may provide some food and drink
-Maybe Shoemaker will spin a record or two if I can get him to committ
-In the spirit of Halloween, Steanso will kill and eat a party-goer before our terrified eyes

Heck, it's really just a house-warming party, but it befits the League to make it a costume party. When are you available?


Post here by October 19th so we can make a formal announcement!


We guarantee this guy will be all partied out by midnight...

IMPORTANT NOTICE: official by-laws of The League of Melbotis state that if we do not receive enough or appropriate responses, no party shall occur

The 2006 Mellies: Rules and Guidelines

All right, Leaguers. Thanks to overwhelming support in favor of another round of official League of Melbotis Awards (aka: The Mellies), we're going to give this a shot.

What the hell is a Mellie?

The Mellies are a celebration of the readership of The League of Melbotis. We ask you, the Leaguer, to give us some feedback not just on the super awesome content you can find here regularly at The League of Melbotis, but also we have some questions for you about this amazing world around us.

Here are some questions from a previous go-round.

Here are responses from day one, and day two and day three.

Now, some guidelines.

1) Try to answer all of the questions. The more answers we have, the more fun this will be.
2) All answers will be reprinted.
3) Thus, try to keep your responses down to a sentence or two. I don't want this turning into War and Peace. That said, a "why" is usually going to be key to your response.
4) I will also, of course, list all answers, and then make a special note of the answer that wins the 2006 Mellie. This may or may not be preceeded by a comment from The League as to why the comment took the coveted award. The League will probably also chime in with his own answer.
5) All entrants should submit answers to: melbotis_steans at yahoo dot com
6) I'm considering sending a special "thank you" to all entrants who also include their street address. So, you know, include your street address.
7) Keep it clean unless really, really funny
8) Entries will be accepted for the next month


And now, your nominating categories for the 2006 Mellies!

League of Melbotis categories

a) Why does the League obsess about _____?
b) The League needs to cover _______
c) In the future, The League should not ________
d) You should really add this blog to your blogroll


And now, on to the rest...

1) The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane
2) Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)
3) Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song
4) You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)
5) It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away
6) You know what was the most amazing day this year?
7) You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)
8) God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful
9) I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?
10) If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level
11) Best item at Burger King
12) If I could force you to read but one book, it would be
13) I'm no astrologist, but I love the planets. If I could dedicate myself to studying but one planet, it would be
14) I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character


That's it! Send in your submissions, and we'll be getting back to you guys on this late in March.

The League is feeling oddly uninspired as of late.

There is a cloud of professional doom hanging over The league's head which may be part of the consternation. Also, the fact that "Ask Melbotis" was lifted directly from "Ask Zelda" over on Maxwell's page seems more than a little disingenuous.

I went to sleep at 7:30pm on Friday after a very, very busy work week. 7:30! I haven't done that in years. Somehow on the way home it hit me that I was insanely tired. I came home, ate a sandwich (I don't even know where the sandwich came from) and sat on the couch looking at the TV, feeling awful "it's been thirty minutes, and I feel no less awful" I told myself. I looked at the clock. It had been 3 minutes.

"I'm butt-assed tired," I said to Jamie. "I am going to bed."

And then I slept for 12 long hours. Which was terrific, because I got up at 7:30 and felt totally great.

The weekend went okay. I saw a good movie. Jamie even watched Conan with me on DVD, and we took Mel out to the pseudo-park in our neighborhood.

All in all, very quiet. Very nice.

But tomorrow I am going into work even though the Federal holiday says I don't have to. Too much to do. The professional hammer threatens to drop.

I need to go to the dry cleaner, and I need to buy a black ink cartridge for my printer. And I need to clean my bathroom, which is just gross enough I don't even want to touch it with cleaning agents.

Oh, and I ordered a jacket from an online store for fat guys. Yeah, I'm 6'5" and fat. The Gap does not accomodate me, which I tell them every time I am waiting while Jamie selects jeans. And then the sales guy says "oh, we have big sizes!" and then tells me a size I wore last when I was 19. Then I threaten to eat the stupid sales guy's head. I measured myself today. I am just at 6'5"+ in Nikes and something like 27 inches from elbow to elbow when my arms hang comfortably. Which means I don't fit in airplane seats and must order from this dumb online company if I want so much as a windbreaker because the retail store doesn't carry winter accesories in Arizona. Which is dumb. Anyway, the jacket is marked as "delivered" according to the company's website, but I don't have the jacket, so it's totally ridiculous. We'll see how it pans out, but dollars to donuts, I end up getting screwed on this one.

Dear Melbotis

Jamie writes:

Dear Melbotis,

It's been a while since we've heard from you. Are you still answering questions? What's your take on new puppy Lucy? How has her presence changed your life? How has it changed Jeff the Cat's?

Dear Jamie,

Melbotis agree that it been long time since Mel say much. Ever since Mel get e-mail, Mel have many, many e-mails. Mel keep getting e-mail from many bank asking for information for verification and Mel keep having to send and send and send. Won't bank keep Mel information written down on sticky paper?

Also, Mel send off for pills to make Mel a "man." Mel looking forward to being man and yelling at other dogs. "Sit down, doggy! Go outside, doggy!" Mel will play trick when Mel is man and Mel will go into garbage can all he want and nobody stop him.

This is what Mel think he look like when he is man.


(Mel not sure if this accurate, but Mel hear this man maybe have no testicles either)

Mel will answer many questions when Mel get them, but sometime Mel get question and he forget despite Mel having best of intentions.

Thank you, Jamie for reminding Mel every ten minutes of e-mail.

You ask about little black dog who show up. Little black dog kind of scare Mel, then Mel remember he is huge and show little black dog who boss is. So Mel pretend to eat little black dog, and when that not work, Mel actually try to eat little black dog. Little black dog is much better now.

In some way, little black dog is happy addition to backyard. Mel spend many, many afternoon in backyard with nothing to do except protect house from stupid neighbor dog. And while laying in sunshine and occasionally barking at other doggies has it plusses, sometimes Mel will get bored and sleep for, oh.... ten hour straight. Mel suppose this not real good for Mel's weight (which Stupid Man always say is, "Just fine, my man. We'll be fat together.")

Anyway, little black dog say to me, "Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy! Hey, doggy!"
And Mel say, "What?"
And she say, "What?"
And Mel say, "You say 'Hey, doggy!'"
And little black doggy say, "What?"
And Mel say, "What?"
And then little black doggy go off and chew on a rock.

Sometime she chew on Mel's ear, and Mel have to pin Lucy, but all in all, Mel like little black doggy and hope he not have to eat her.

Before answering mail, Mel went to cat and said, "hey, Cat! What about little black dog?"
And Jeff say, "-the temperature at 5:00 shall be 72 degrees with winds out of the southwest."
And Mel say, "No, little black doggy."
And Jeff say, "Your classic rock station with all the hits! Rockin' 98.5 FM!!!!"
So Mel not sure. But sometime Jeff throw up now after little black doggy tries to say "Hello."

Mel hope all Leaguers having good day. Mel happy to be back at glowy pizza box thing.

Josh writes:

Dear Melbotis,

When is it okay to play with the lights off?

Sincerely,

Josh Lowry

Dear Josh,

This is toughy. Mel not absolutely sure when it okay. When mel in yard, sometime the light on and sometime the light off. Light on mostly in middle of day in yard, but at same time, light off in house. At night, outside, light off. In house, light on, until chubby-man-thing go to bed. Then light off. Lady sleep all time whether light on, off, flickering, music blasting or cat sitting on her head. When the light go off in house at night, man say "All right, pets. Time for bed." which is dumb, because bed is always there. No time for bed. So when light on in backyard mel run and run and runa nd run and bark at stupid neighbor dog. Bark bark bark. At night, light off in yard, and Mel run and run and run and bark bark bark. Not make much difference.
But Mel suspect something deeper lay at root of Josh question. So mel think and think and think and think and think and come up with nothing. So he think some more. And then he think how sad he not know and want a treat because when mel eat, mel happier. So Mel lay down and think about treat. But Mel think maybe you ask Mrs. Lowry when it okay, and if that not good, you ask Mrs. Lowry dad, because he know Don to be straight shooter. In fact, mel will forward question to Mr. Shannon Dad and tell him Josh ask and then he be very proud.

Randy wirtes:

Dear Mel,

What's Ryan and Jamie Steans really like? Is the irreverant, off-beat humour Ryan presents in his blog merely a front for somethng more sinister? What kind of evil lie in their hearts?

Keep barking!

Randy

Randy,

Me am so glad you kick off Ask Melbotis! question column with serious intellectual challenge! Mel also impressed with inappropriate use of plural/ non-plural in your question. So! What am Ryan and Jamie really like? Ryan is like stinky recliner and Jamie is like big white squirrel with no tail. Hello! Where is the ball? Hello! But to point... am Ryan sinister instead off-beat humor? Where is ball? Hello, ball. Is treat time? Hello! Is man-chair and white squirrel sinister? Possibly. Sometime they go off to outer space and leave me in house or yard until sun come back down and then I bark bark bark bark and birds poop on tree. Good-bye.

Friday, April 04, 2003

this is my cat and my wife

this is Melbotis and me


up ahead.... The Thing...





posted by Ryan at 4:12 PM

Here's something you probably forgot all about.
posted by Ryan at 8:57 AM


Thursday, April 03, 2003

Arrgghhh... those reading this can't tell, but I am an absolutely rotten typist and am working to amend that problem. Every time I post, I swear I spend twice as much time editing as I do writing. I'm usually fixing grammatical errors (of which I leave in many prime examples, such as this one) and spelling and punctuation errors, although sometimes I realize I never finished a thought and have to go in and fill in the blanks. I am certainly no perfectionist, but I don't want to be just sloppy either.

I recently purchased The Day the Earth Stood Still on DVD. I didn't make it more than half the movie before I turned it off. These days it's hitting a bit close to home. I kind of wish Michael Renni would show up in a silver jump suit and dictate global policy. I'm not sure a re-make would do this movie justice as it was directed in it's time by Robert Wise, current President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, and director of The Sound of Music. Go figure.


Action Comics #802 came out on Wednesday. Lots of Zod and Luthor, picking up in a far more interesting direction than where I assumed this story would go. Check out the art. It looks good past the Darwyn Cook cover. I don't know who this Derenick guy is, but he's really good in a Jim Lee sort of way. That's not to say Darwyn doesn't do a good job, but he's got a unique style which some folks might not be into. Just keep in mind that is not the same art that's inside the cover (I would assume the artist was too busy putting out these great-looking pages and ran out of time for nice covers) if you're standing at the spinner-rack at Borders.


Speaking of Jim Lee, the best looking Batman stories in a looonnnggg time are happening over in Batman comics, with Jeph Loeb writing, so look for it. Jeph Loeb wrote some great Batman specials in years past (The Long Halloween, Dark Victory) and recently wrapped up on Superman. He's also a writer on the WB'S Smallville, so the man gets around.


Kudos to Jim D. for the big box of Superman comics he sent me that he'd saved from his youth. I'm just really reading them now, and they're a big heap o' fun and in great condition. My one beef is that there are a lot of #1 issues here, and I have no idea what happens after any of these #1's. Now I have to go look for back issues.


I am so tired, I am going to bed, but I hope someone is reading this. If they are, and they are not my lovely wife, let me know.

posted by Ryan at 11:26 PM


Wednesday, April 02, 2003

The anti-christ walks among us.
posted by Ryan at 10:25 PM

Tragedy in Metropolis! A special report

Some people are just jerks. And the rest of us just take some things far too seriously that we should not.


I'm not referring to that wise-cracking Saddam. No, a crime of questionable proportion has been perpetrated upon the people of the non-fictional town of Metropolis, Illinois. Metropolis is a hamlet located in the southern part of Illinois where the spirit of Superman has become lifestyle and commerce. In order to drum up industry and tourism, Metropolis has gone ahead and run with the whole Superman theme. Strange, but true.


DC Comics has officially dubbed Metropolis the Home of Superman. Metropolis is a bizarre little corner of America where all things Superman come to life: the Superman Museum is located (I believe) in the town square, city hall used to give out Kryptonite rocks to kids (to help keep them out of Luthor's hands!), and the Metropolis paper is actually now called The Planet. Every year Metropolis holds a Superman Celebration which is attended by, reportedly, tens of people. Such stars as Jack Larson (Jimmy Olsen) and Noel Neill (Lois Lane) and Sarah Douglas (Ursa) regularly attend the festival. For years I've dreamt of visiting Metropolis for the festival, but, to be honest, I think after about three hours it would be kind of weird. And that's a long way to go for a couple of awkward hours of fat men in Superman shirts.


At the center of the town square stands (or stood) a 15 foot bronze statue of Superman with the words "Truth, Justice and the American Way" emblazoned upon the base. I would assume as an April Fools joke, somebody took it upon themselves to liberate the Superman statue. A semi-official version of events can be found here.


I wish the people of Metropolis godspeed in finding their statue. Some townsfolk are now suggesting the Celebration cannot go on if the statue is not found, or is found in a state of disrepair. Metropolis is not a huge town with tax dollars enough to spend money on repairing the statue or building a new one, and as I understand it, the Celebration is a bit of a boon to their economy.


I hope those who performed this villainous deed are happy with themselves. They've probably made little Kal-El cry.

posted by Ryan at 10:59 AM


Tuesday, April 01, 2003

This brave little lass shows us what it means to be a patriot in these troubled times.

On my super-extended drive home tonight, it struck me that in 20 years, somebody is going to try to bring back American Idol. If we're willing to bring back Star Search, which was a little embarassing when it was originally on, surely we'll want to trot out this format again. I can almost imagine Mary Hart interviewing Simon Cowell in an era when the Jihad has actually succeeded and we're all kind of Muslim. Someone is going to do this, and I want 20 space-bucks when it happens, because I will have predicted it.


What with a war on, and a sloberringly insane North Korea on our plate in addition to several million irritated Frenchmen, the world has become a dark place. But I think I may have found the salve. If you're having some bleak, bleak thoughts about current events, I highly, highly suggest you enjoy this page . For a more direct dose of it all, for those of you with a high-end connection, go here and have your spirits renewed.


Jim D suggested a new name for this Blog: The Unbearable Lightness of Steans


I'm not against it. I'm still kicking the suggestion around, but just when I was thinking of implementing it, Dan P of Austin suggested I adopt the name Axis of Steans. For now I'm sticking with a pro-Melbotis format.


Also, check out this.

posted by Ryan at 9:12 PM

this is just funny.


***update***


As of 7:00am Arizona time (we are neither Mountain, nor Pacific... you can't bring us DOWN!!!) Corey (Shut up, Corey) Clark has been booted from American Idol. I know that Jamie and I will be watching in rapt attention this evening to see what Simon will say! What is up with Corey's outfit in that photo? He looks like the world's worst cat burglar.

posted by Ryan at 2:58 PM

I had posted this last night very briefly, and in that time, Jim managed to send me this article, which I find interesting. Review at your leisure. I'm not sure I agree with what the author of this article says in it's entirety, but here at League of Melbotis, there are no stupid ideas, only stupid me.

Below is what I originally said:


I'm a fan of objectivity in my journalism. I am aware that from a truly critical stand-point, no person can truly be objective. I am also aware that a pretense of objectivity, is, at it's very heart, deceptive. HOWEVER, the recent trend toward mixing editorialization (thanks Fox News) with actual factual reporting has done some strange things.


I was struck by the oddity of Peter Arnett's release from National Geographic and NBC today. Reporters must now be very careful what they say, and not just in giving away troop movements. Apparently disagreeing with the Pentagon press releases and those sassy generals who take the podium everyday in their desert camouflage (which clashes very badly with that "we're on CNN!" backdrop) is a BIG no-no. Is Arnett wrong to perform this interview anymore than the American press whom have volunteered to be mouthpieces for the US military by embedding themselves into army units? The question arises: when CAN reporters be blunt about their assesment if it does not coincide with the objectives of the US government powers-that-be? This is not a question of a Dixie Chick trash talking in London, this is a very seasoned journalist with a front row seat being asked to recant his observations, and STILL paying the price with his job. Is Christiane Amanpour required to regurgitate the press releases generated from Virginia when she's sitting in Kuwait, lest she be removed from the airwaves?


I don't know, but I do know I find the control of information and number of coerced public apologies cropping up lately a bit disturbing. The news media's collusion in this and their adoption of "if you're not with us, you're against us" smacks of that fun term I don't get to use often enough.. Neo-McCarthyism! How do we recognize when we've crossed that fine line in protecting ourselves?

posted by Ryan at 8:32 AM


Monday, March 31, 2003

I wasn't planning on adding anything else, but what the hell is wrong down at Fox?
Corey "Shut up, Corey" Clark, one of American Idol's final 9 contestants apparently spent last fall beating up his sister and some cops. I realize the producers of American Idol are very busy people, but is a criminal background check THAT complicated? Read the article to understand what I mean.

I watch a fair amount of American Idol. My wife is enamored with the show, but as she tolerates my adoration of all things Superman, I let this little fault slide. Last summer, I dubbed Kelly Clarkson a pie-faced dweeb, and I guarantee you, America, when her stupid movie with Justin Guarini is released, you too shall turn on this talentless powder puff. I suspect that Kimberly Caldwell (the girl who has taken Renee Zellweger's line and claimed Katy, TX is a small town and not part of the Houston megalopolis) will be this season's Kelly. She's talentless and blonde, so America's text-voting teen-populace must love her. I mean, they keep buying Mariah Carey albums, so why not this, too?


I myself am a Trenyce man. Go Trenyce.


One could navel gaze endlessly about why so many tune into "unscripted" television (and I suspect multiple blogs do so, because the press likes to talk about that more than obesity), but the truth is this: We've already seen every scripted show in prime time. I mean, has it not occured to the Powers That Be that after 10 seasons on the air, Law and Order might have already run out of ideas? No. Rather, we've added 15 other Law and Order shows, and what the hell happened to Dragnet? Is it even on anymore?


We've seen all the shows that people would actually believe in a fictional context, so now we require Fear Factor to display that Miss USA WILL eat pig testicles for her favorite charity. I mean, it doesn't make for a good episode of the Golden Girls, but the "Oh, sweet Christ, no!" factor is undeniable.


After how many seasons of Jerry and 15 runs of Survivor, people still do not realize that only 1 in a thousand reality television show contestants actually go onto other things. Can you name even 7 of the final 10 contestants from American Idol last season? Probably not, and millions watched the show. And so the program draws in contestants like Corey "Shut up, Corey" Clark, Cop Fighter!


I wouldn't suggest that one NOT watch these shows, I mean, the alternative is Yes, Dear and According to Jim, for God's sake, but keep in mind that every one of these contestants is as dumb as a post and unemployable enough that they have TIME to not work for a month of shooting. Just remember that when you put that pie-faced dweeb, Kimberly Caldwell up on a pedastal. And if ANYONE buys the Kelly Clarkson CD and can PROVE they're still listening to it regularly in two months, I will send them $100.


I think the most original scripted program on the air today is probably Invader Zim, and that may be only because I've seen only a handful of episodes.


posted by Ryan at 10:43 PM

jdedman4: any blog topics tonight?
Steanz: My insecurity in putting up a blog
jdedman4: self referential, that's good
Steanz: well, it is a little weird, i think
jdedman4: that is what blogging is about
Steanz: anyway, it'll be up before 10pm
jdedman4: obsevations on life/culture with odd personal tidbits
jdedman4: part commentary / part voyeurism

I'm going through a period of self-doubt about the very notion of this (or any other) blog. Specifically, I'm uncomfortable with anyone reading the text I might put online, especially given that I agreed to begin this blog as a one-man forum (which is what?) to espouse a dissenting slant on political/ whatever issues as put forth by an associate of mine. I would suggest it is only my own hubris which allowed me to originally begin this blog for the above stated purpose. I'm usually ill-informed and prone to knee-jerk sentiment, all of which makes most of this a waste of valuable internet real-estate. By assuming that others would wish to actually spend their valuable time perusing this blog (journal? chronicle? steaming pile of crap?), am I indulging in the most narcissistic behavior since I was 8 and put my own face on a novelty t-shirt which I proudly wore for the better part of a year? No, there are no photos, so don't ask.


The whole thing has an ugly Reality TV-contestant vibe. By virtue of even creating a posting, I am demanding the attention of others with this digital soapbox, yet I am neither talented nor good looking enough to get my own show based on any true merit. Cyberspace (for lack of a better geographic description) is a very, very big place, and I would suspect that virtually no one, including family and friends, who has received the link to this site, will ever click on the link to the blog after an initial inspection. This is both liberating and somewhat ego-crushing. Of course it would be nice to think the sound and fury means something, but let's be realistic.


That said, tonight I am tired. It was a long day down at the salt mines. I'd rather not go into it here because even Jamie looked a little bored with my tales of woe.


Melbotis has a friend who lives on the other side of our cinder-block fence (all fences in Chandler are made of cinder-block). He's some sort of whte dog with some pit bull in him, I think. Every night when I let Mel out to go and enjoy the back yard we maintain so very nicely for him, he goes to the corner behind the lime tree and barks. Eventually his friend jumps up on the fence, leans over the very top of it, barks once or twice, and then falls back on his side of the fence. The white dog will do this all day. Jump, bark, fall. Mel has to do very, very little to participate but bark back. Mel is also fairly overweight and incapable of getting in the Subaru without a little assistance, so to expect much out of him as part of this game is probably unrealistic.


posted by Ryan at 8:44 PM


Sunday, March 30, 2003

Greetings and welcome to the League of Melbotis weblog. For those of you NOT in the know, Melbotis is my dog. He's a good boy and he knows absolutely no tricks. Melbotis was not always my dog, he used to live with Jenny Perkins, so if I ever track her down, I have to give credit to her diligence in bringing up such a fine dog.

This weekend I was told to create a blog by Jim Tiberius Dedman of www.jdedman.com I suggest you check out the link. Usually it's a really good site, unless he doesn't update it, but he does that very regularly.


Jim's a good guy, and against my better judgement, I've known him for several years. Anyway, I think his intention was that I blog to create some sort of dialogue about political matters. That's fine. I'm not sure how many people want to hear my side, but it seems better than generating e-mail or trying to keep up with Jimbo on AIM. It turns out that Jim types faster than me.


I'm currently living in Chandler, Arizona, which is a bedroom community about 30-40 minutes from the airport, but still considered to be in the Phoenix metroplex. I'm more or less from Austin, Texas, and I miss Guero's and Rudy's like some folks might miss an arm or foot.


In order to entertain myself out here in the desert, I read a lot of Superman comics, watch Monster Garage, and try to keep the pets entertained. Lately, I've been watching the war footage and shrieking in horror. Bombs make me nervous, even bombs far, far away, so I've decided that today I will not venture into man's inhumanity to man as a topic. Thus, I will keep my comments about Scottsdale brief.


This weekend Jamie and I attended the Tempe Arts Festival.


Scottsdale is North of Tempe, but apparently not far enough away. It's a place where really hideous rich people go to freak out and buy cars bigger than mine, leaving me insanely jealous. The citizens of Scottsdale descend on things like the Tempe Arts Festival in terrible pastels and with strollers full of kids named "Austin" and "Tyler" and "Britney". Their purchasing power has created an environment where its apparently impossible to sell or show anything resembling art at the arts fair. I'm not one who believes in high or low art, but I'm pretty sure that putting sequins on a denim skirt to look like a kitty does not qualify as even the dumbest of folkart. Nothing made with a machine bought from RonCo counts as art. Patrick Nagel fans take heed.


In investigating the tents set up along the way, I discovered that all you need to do to participate in the Tempe Arts fest is to have $400 to rent out a space, get a tent, and procure some crappy faux-Native American art, like a clay bowl or something. There are other objects'd'arte (sp?), like cuh-razy pictures of dogs and cats, and Henna art for mommies who are trying to remember when they were crazy, pissed-off undergrads. Anyway, it was a bit of a letdown. And too many pan flutes. Far too many pan flutes.


The art fair made me wonder what all the millions of art majors are doing once they graduate from college. Are they all at these fairs hawking rusted copper yard ornaments in the shapes of kitties? I don't know where the art majors go, but I suspect they end up doing tech support at Dell. That's what I think us failed film majors are up to.


In the end, I did get a bag of cinammon roasted almonds, which made the trip actually not seem completely wasted.


Jamie (the little lady) and I took Melbotis to the park on Saturday. It was a fine time and we flew the Justice League kite I bought at the gas station for $2.50. Given the price I paid to see XXX, I think the $2,50 was a much better investment. Typical of Chandler, Tumbleweed Park is a sprawling grass something or other watered by sewage, an investment of millions of dollars, and completely devoid of any actual patrons. Well, this week there was a children's birthday party going down, but instead of using the acres and acres of grass and park, the parents had rented a moonbounce. All the kids out here rent moonbounces on their birthdays. Every Saturday there's one of these atrocities sticking up over somebody's cinder-block fence, accompanied by the shrill partying of seven year olds.


I do occasionally enjoy the punch drunk feeling of thirty minutes in the Arizona sunshine. I miss Central Texas sunshine more, but Arizona does have a few good things. Anyway, the park is a good thing, and I secretly hope nobody ever finds it. Melbotis and I like it a lot. We hope to spend many more Saturdays there before people come in and ruin our public park. My goal now is to teach Mel to carry the ball all the way back to the car by himself.


No political commentary here, per se. Maybe next time. Anyway, I hope this is okay.

posted by Ryan at 8:18 PM

Greetings, mortals. This is my very, very first post to this blog. Jim Dedman is a weenie.
posted by Ryan at 10:29 AM

Yes, We Are Still Shutting Down/ Future Plans

I am flattered that Leaguers are asking about whether or not we're still shutting down, whether we'll continue on, if there aren't possibilities for other outlets, etc...

Its always been a shock to me that so few have written in asking me to please, please just stop it seemed nice enough. Knowing that anyone gives a darn enough to ask that we should continue is a bit overwhelming.

To cut to the chase, here's the game plan.

1) December 20th, in the PM, I will have up the final post. It's done already.
2) We will continue to maintain a presence on Facebook at facebook.com/melbotis. A lot of the smaller items you'd find here are what you'll find there. We're also on Twitter, but that's a repost of Facebook, so there you go. twitter.com/melbotis
3) April 21st, 2010, I will make a statement on Facebook in regards to any future plans for more blogging activity.

I need to give myself hard deadlines on this stuff as it will force decisions one way or another. I was a PM for a while.



Anyway, it's been suggested I talk about favorite posts.

Rather than do that (because I've got 3,300+ posts) I welcome you guys to guest-post on any particular League-related topic, post, etc... that caught your fancy. You can contact me via e-mail. We'll run those right up until that last week.

I will, I believe, have some sort of series of "before we go" posts to wrap things up. So, if you have any requests, send them in. We live to serve, and I'll be looking for ideas for generating content. And, no, I have no idea what I mean by "if you have any requests".

ANNOUNCING THE LEAGUE of MELBOTIS 2006 HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR!!!
THE LEAGUE LAUNCHES THE FIRST VOLLEY IN THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS

Hey, Leaguers. We've been living out of town for a while. Some folks might say, too long. But we're back, and happy to have returned to the city that wore a violet crown.

After much pondering, we've decided that nothing says "we're glad to be back" like opening your doors to your friends and providing a veggie tray. And what better time of the year to show a little hospitality than during the Holiday Season?

So, without further ado, we invite you to The League of Melbotis 2006 Holiday Spectacular!

What: a lovely holiday party
Where: League HQ in S. Austin
When: December 9th. Doors open at 7:00 PM.



There will be a tree, lights, elves, a five-round cage match, and all the things you want out of an old-fashioned Holiday get together. And, I think if you ask, Jamie will play you a few Holiday tunes on her piano. Feel free to sing along, Steanso.

We hope you can come (yes... YOU), so mark your calendar now. Also, if you have ideas, would like to provide a service for the party, or just generally want to be a busy-body, e-mail us to let us know what you have in mind.

We will provide cookies, treats, a bit of food and some spirits for the occasion, but feel free to partake in the merriment by sharing in bringing some hooch of your own to be split several ways among attendees.

So, Leaguers, get the Yule Log out of storage, fire up the cocoa and find your tackiest Christmas sweater, because we're ready to help you blow off some steam as you head toward the 25th.

And remember, living outside of town is no excuse for not showing up.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBUDDY!!!

Wow, did 2005 suck. Hurricanes. Tsunami after-effects. Political scandal. War. No Hot Tamales at the Gilbert WTC. Multiple hospital stays for Jamie. Cancellation of Arrested Development.

Yeah, you know what... @#$% you, 2005.

Anyway, Happy New Year, Loyal Leaguers.

And now...

The League of Melbotis 2005 Person of the Year

We name this person Person of the Year with some trepidation as we recently learned that Jim D's own mother reads this site from time to time. Mrs. D, I gotta ask that you forgive me for this one, but it was already in the works.

Without further ado, The League of Melbotis presents our first Person of the Year.

Congratulations, Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng. You are 2005's selection for Person of the Year.

Grandmaster Tu Jin-Sheng, well... I feel really awkward with Mrs. D reading this, but... you know... Anyway, he pulled a truck across a parking lot using his penis as an anchor.

That makes him not just Person of the Year, but, in fact, MAN of the year.

Article 1 on the amazing feat.

Article 2.

Article 3.


Master Tu

Here is Tu Jin-Sheng's own website, ironcrotch.com

Special thanks to Loyal Leaguer Dan Peters for informing me of this amazing feat.

Molly Writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Are we alone in the universe?

Molly

p.s. Why don't you have comments?

Dear Molly,

Me have waited until now to answer Molly question since Molly went off to see Elephunts in land where it often rainy. And Mel not mean Houston.

Mel have deep belief that every living creature is made of same cosmic dust which resulted from big bang, and that all nature and creation nothing more than embodiment of energy resulting from whatever came before big bang. Some energy stay put and be like, say, sofa. Other energy become moving thing, like, say... cat. But in end, we are all made of protons and neutrons and quarks. But because we are all made of solid matter, we (sofa or cat) are all cosmically connected having come from result of big bang.

Mel think this mean you might want to avoid anti-matter so that universe does not collapse in on itself.

But then Mel see thing like stupid neighbor dog hanging over fence going barkbarkbark, and Mel know he can share cosmic connection and neighbor dog still is jerk.

Mel also know that in morning, people jangle keys and put on silly clothes and look for cell phone and go to work. And then Mel fall into pit of despair as people leave Mel all alone. But you know what? People always come home again, and then Mel know the universe is not black pit of meaningless despair. If people not come home, then Mel poop on carpet.

Sometime people ask Mel, "Hey, Mel... why no comments on page?" Mel only response is that League of Melbotis is no democracy. If you want thought published to site, send letter to Mel, and Mel is happy to remove four-letter names assigned to Ryan and then post letter.

Have good day, Molly. Hope you liked India.

Buffy writes:

Dear Melbotis,

i am writing to you as a last resort. i just don't know what to do anymore. everyday, i tell myself things are going to be different. i tell myself i can be good. but then i innocently wander into the laundry room and catch a glimps of black, white, or, especially, red satin. i turn my head away. i try desperately to pull myself out but then i figure one little sniff won't hurt. will it? just one little sniff of that precious piece just spilling over the top of the hamper. next thing i know i wake up four hours later, passed out, with my nose through the crotch of my mommy's underwear. when i realize what i've done, i panic. i hide it. underneath my bed, underneath her bed, underneath the couch. anywhere. and i tell myself it was only a momentary lapse. tomorrow i'll be good. oh! melbotis, what should i do? I can't take it anymore! i want to be a good girl, i really do. I just can't stop myself that from eating underwear crotches.


desperate to change,

buffy


Dear buffy,

Mel think Mel should preface response with assumption that buffy is a dog. If buffy is, say... a person... buffy beyond Mel's realm of experience. Mel has come to understand many publication can cater to your particular issue, but Mel probably not much help. Look for red, glowing sign reading "XXX". Mel thinks you stand to make good deal of money publishing in these magazines.

If buffy is dog, mel at least can try to help.

buffy, mel not particularly interested in much outside of ball, toy, towel, stupid dog next door, treat and two silly people with whom mel cohabitates. mel not have clothes aside from collar, but often see how people take them off and then go in shower place. In shower place, the people often begin to howl and yowl. When chubby man go in shower, often I hear him saying:

I’m starting with the man in the mirror
I’m asking him to change his ways
And no message could have
Been any clearer
If you wanna make the world
A better place
(if you wanna make the
World a better place)
Take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change
(take a look at yourself, and
Then make a change)
(na na na, na na na, na na, na nah)

Then man dry off with towel (but not fun chew towel), and rub his teeth with stick. He put on pants and say "goodbye, Mel. Be a good boy, today!" and Mel say "Okay" and then chubby man go away. Then white lady scream "Holy Christ! I'm late!" and run out door. And clothes smell like people, but so do everything else in smelly house, so mel don't much care. But he notice cat often sit in pants or hat. Es muy mysterioso.

So mel decide cat is formost expert on pants and chewing and ask cat "why for do you sit in the chubby man blue pant?" and cat say "Heeba weeba blah blah blue." So I try again. "Hey stupid cat-" but cat is rude and say "Wubba wubba woop woop wooooooo". Then cat try to bit me.

So mystery of panty must remain a mystery to Mel. how sad. but maybe your owner lady buy hamper and put clothes in drawer instead of leaving underwear out all over place. That mel suggestion.

Maxwell writes:

Dear Melbotis,

My mother in law also writes an advice column. However, unlike your advice column, she has decided to let her other schizophrenic personalities join her in answering questions. I have noticed that your advice column is very successful, in some ways even more successful than my crazy mother in law's (and I mean "crazy" in the most endearing of ways. She does have three or four personalities, evidently.) own column. For instance, nobody writes to ask my mother in law for advice anymore, just one guy named Ryan who has been kind enough to send several questions. How does Melbotis manage to get so many questions? Also, can dogs be schizophrenic?

Thanks,

Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

How to get so many question? Mel think that many people not have fulfilling life like Mel and need guidance. And Dr. Phil much more difficult to get hold of.

But how answer so many question tricky part. Mel have very busy schedule! First, Mel go outside and poo and then lay down in grass. Then Mel lay there all day until white lady come home and pet me on head. THen I bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Later, Mel eat and wag tail. Then chubby man come home and pet Mel on head. Then chubby man goes into closet and change pants which is sight to behold. Then Mel follow man around house until man find Mel toy and shake it at Mel face and say "Here's your damn toy. Now will you piss off so I can sit down for two minutes?" So Mel try to play with toy and drop it on chubby man until he play with Mel. This consist of Mel trying to remove teeth by gripping tightly to toy while chubby man lean backward.

Then Mel go outside and bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Then white lady go to bed and Mel get milkbone and go outside.

How to keep schedule of answer question? Mel not sure, but it real pleasure. Also, cat is ghost writer.

Is dog schizophrenic? We not know.

Suggested Reading:

TST has given me her permission to re-direct you to her site. She recently completed the 95th day of a 95 day eating disorder recovery program.

Her comments are honest and enlightening, and I highly recommend her blog as reading to all Leaguers.

Read here.


Melbotis Mailbag

Hey, ya'll... We have two very different letters sent in to the Melbotis Mailbag as well as a question from the Mellie Noms. I will still be digging back through the Mellies Noms to answer all of your questions.

Steven submitted this with his Nominations:

In the future, The League should not ________
Use vaguely Biblical and/or archaic, beautiful language to describe infertility or other personal ailments. It has had a searing effect upon my mind:
"Now, it's more or less public knowledge that Jamie's insides are a rocky place where my seed can find no purchase."

This sentence is both beautiful, cruel, and sad; it has etched itself into my mind.

I wish I could take credit for this one, Steven, but I can't. While somewhat accurate to describe our personal childless status, I lifted this from the opening of the Coen Bros. classic, "Raising Arizona" as H.I. McDonough realizes that his beautiful wife, Ed, is barren. Nobody has a talent for dialogue like the Coens. I believe the exact line was "At first we could not understand why this woman, who looked as fertile as the Tennessee valley, could not bear children. But the doctor explained that Ed's insides were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase."

I apologize for any discomfort.

As Steanso or CBG could tell you, "Raising Arizona" is just about one of my favorite movies of all time. If you haven't seen it in a while, I think you should watch it as soon as possible.


Doug writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Why doesn't the League have an ATOM feed? My other friends' blogspot blogs all have them. Is it a preference you have to enable? RSS and ATOM feeds are neat.

Sincerely,

Doug

Well, Doug, Mel has no idea what you're talking about, but he does ask "Am I a good boy?" The answer is, "Yes, you are a good boy!" to Mel's question. The answer to your question is more complicated.

I looked into an RSS feed a long time ago with the help of Steve G. Harms. It turns out Really Simple Symdication is a @#$%ing lie. The tools I looked at kept spitting me code that didn't seem to do anything. I would plug it in here, I would plug it in there, and nothing happened. Nothing. I couldn't figure out what was up, so I quit.

Also, I'm not really clear on what the point is of RSS. I sit in front of a computer all day for a living and I work in an online media environment, and I'm still a bit confused as to what RSS is supposed to be doing for me in general, let alone in relation to a blog. It seems a little bit self-important for The League to be blasting you guys to come read our latest navel-gazing hoo-hah.


Jim D. writes in with a comic related question.

Are really good stories that are told prior to a continuity reboot somehow tainted because they are no longer in the continuity?

What Jim is talking about is some serious comic-nerdy stuff, so I'll try to explain.

You can refer to my prior post on Continuity here for a primer on continuity in comics.

Every once in a while a comic will get stale, an idea worn thin, or become implausible or goofy as time marches on and the comic reading and writing populace becomes more sophisticated. (I use the word "sophisticated" with no small amount of reservation.)

Thusly, a company may decide to "reboot" a character. The most famous instances of such a reboot actually belong to the Big 3 at DC: Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. In 1986, after a company wide event known as Crisis on Infinite Earths, Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman were each assigned to top-shelf comic creators who were asked to re-tell their origin with a modern sensibility.

I'll stick with the Superman reboot as it probably had the most long-standing changes to the origin and character.

John Byrne re-told the story of Superman's origin in "Man of Steel", a 6-issue limited series that was then followed up with the appropriate changes in Superman, Adventures of Superman and Action Comics. Prior to Man of Steel, Superman had been a Super-powered youngster in Smallville who took on the name "Superboy", fought crime and natural disasters and generally had some nice adventures as a teen-ager in an idyllic Kansas small town. Whenever he felt like it, Superboy would join up with a gang of teen-age Superheroes in the 30th Century known as The Legion of Superheroes.

Also, the motivation for Lex Luthor's anti-Superman-scheming ways could be found in Superboy. Apparently Lex and Superboy had been pals, with Lex helping Superboy out as a child-genius scientist. Lex had a fire in his lab, and Superboy blew it out, spraying chemicals on Lex's head which caused her hair to fall out. Being a vain little goon, Lex decided Superboy was jealous of him and had caused the entire scenario to humiliate him.

Superboy had his own comics, appeared in Adventure Comics for years, and also was part of the cast of the fan-favorite Legion of Superheroes.

Byrne wished to look to the original version of Superman who had not, in 1938, spent time as Superboy, and struck Superboy from the record. Needless to say, Byrne removed the Lex hair removal bit from Superman's history. Lex was now a corporate tycoon who despised Superman for exposing some of his criminal activity and humiliating him (ie: arresting him) in public. Lex also went bald the year Superman appeared in Metropolis. I think the suggestion was that the stress got to him.

This decision to rework the Superman mythos forced the cancellation of Superboy comics as well as Legion of Superheroes. Legion would need to be rebooted as Superboy was no longer part of their lore. Further, Krypto was struck from existence as Krypto had been Superboy's pet pup on Krypton, and had appeared mainly in Silver-Age Superboy comics.

Are the stories from the first 50 years of DC/ National's history "tainted" by the decisions in 1986? I can't see how you can they aren't. After all, those stories no longer "exist" in the minds of the Superheroes wandering the DCU. Or, at least, they didn't until Infinite Crisis #4. So, God knows what the next 20 years will look like.

It's my opinion that the Crisis events were a small bit of genius on the part of the DC editorial staff. Continuity could continue, characters could advance, and it didn't necessarily throw the baby out with the bathwater in retelling the story of the DCU. But you also didn't need to worry about reading every issue of "Superman's Pal: Jimmy Olsen". In a way, in the DCU, it's ALL continuity. It just depends on which aspect of the universe you're looking at, be it the 1939 version of Superman or some version of him from the animated series.

I guess the question then is: Are the pre-reboot stories still enjoyable?

Again, this is my opinion, but: Yeah. I like reading the stories from the 1950's and 60's and being allowed to know that they're a product of their time and place. The stories can serve as a relic of a bygone era and still be strip-mined by today's creators for the best parts. Sure, the format is simple, and the stories geared at kids, but there's a bit of raw energy there and a puzzle-solving nuance that's all but gone from comics these days. (You couldn't show Superman beating the tar out of people in the 1950's thanks to threats from parents' groups, so he HAD to do something).

The fusion of past and present is exactly what's making Grant Morrison's "All-Star Superman" such an amazing comic read.

In the meantime, other comics such as re-boots of the Superboy concept and Legion of Superheroes have struggled endlessly since they were written out of existence. Something happened there that took the wind out of the sails of both concepts, and it's left both franchises gasping.

The Smallville TV show mixes the heroics of the Superboy comics with the costumeless alien coming to terms with a destiny that Byrne described. Legion of Superheroes has had, I believe, three separate launches since 1986. Most likely because Paul Levitz, who once wrote "definitive" Legion stories is now running DC. It will be interesting to see if folks regain interest in the Legion again with "Superboy and the Legion" coming to TV this fall on Cartoon Network.

In the end, you have to answer the question for yourself. How do you, as a reader, feel about these decades of pre-1986 DC comics? You can mine them for comics history or dismiss them as the past.

I do think the reason DC appeals more to an older readership than the teen-ager audience (who seem to enter comics invariably through Wolverine and Spidey) is due to an adult's sense of perspective and understanding of the importance of history. Marvel is getting there. In the past two or three years they've really learned to take a look at their roots and have made some hand-waving about their own "golden age".

I guess, as a rule, reboots do need to be kept to a minimum. It is difficult to keep up with character change after character change, as well as plot alterations, etc... The rules of continuity still apply. Editors need to show the greatest amount of foresight possible when re-writing the histories of their characters or you stand to lose your long-standing leadership all together.

Again to the Superman case: Superman's fan base was expected to grow with the reboot, but in the intervening years, that's not really happened. A lot of folks were put off by the drastic changes Byrne brought to the character. Despite Berganza's shaky record as an editor, he was willing to reintroduce elements of the Silver-Age of Krypton. I'll be curious to learn Superman's new status-quo in the upcoming year as Infinite Crisis once-again provides opportunities to alter the character's past to reset and look to the future.

On a personal note: I do buy collections of older comics. I do enjoy the stories. I highly recommend readers pick up what they can afford of the old stuff. Most of it doesn't show the same cinematic quality of modern comics, but the comics are also usually a lot denser in plot and generally a fun read.


That's it for today's Melbotis Mailbag. Don't forget to keep sending in those questions.

Hey, Leaguers! The Holiday Contest has drawn to a close! I am unable to choose a winner as, frankly, there are too many great entries this year, and I think I shoudl have narrowed the contest down a bit. Well, live and learn we do, here at League of Melbotis HQ.

I have to say that those who write in to the League are a persuasive lot, and each holds a special flicker of the Christmas Spirit within them. I wish each and every Leaguer a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.

Instead of selecting a winner, I shall figure something out for every entrant to the contest. So, folks, just be aware of how busy The League has been, and how short of cash now that all of the extended family has received a Hickory Farms cheese log basket.

So, God and finances willing, a token of The League's appreciation will arrive after the Holidays.

In the meantime, I have compiled the answers and selections sent in by Loyal Leaguers. I invite you to read them each and all, and to appreciate the effort and POV of each and every person as they come to Christmas.



MOST BIZARRE HOLIDAY MEDIA

Nathan Cone:

The Six Million Dollar Man ¡V Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures ¡V Peter Pan Records

Remember Peter Pan records? It was like the Mercury Theater of the Air for the 1970s kids. Okay, maybe not. But they put out a lot of radio theater-type albums, and this one takes the cake for me. I found my copy at a Best Buy fire sale 10 years ago. Follow Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man (played by an incredibly wooden "actor") in the following Christmas adventures: "The Kris Kringle Caper," "Elves' Revolt," "The Toymaker," and "Christmas Lights."
Here's an exciting scene from "The Kris Kringle Caper," as Steve disguises himself as a department store Santa:
Girl: "Hey, don't I know you?"
Six Mil: "Of course, everyone knows me, I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "There's no such person as Santa Claus."
Six Mil: "Then, who am I?"
Girl: "I think you're the man who was here the other day, the one who tried to get my present back for me."
Six Mil: "I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "I told you, there's no such person."
Six Mil: "Then what are you doing on my lap?"

Laura Maxwell:

A. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
1978. Television. With Several Wookies, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Airplane.
This show made me question the sanctity of my own reality.



B. MISTLETOE JAM
1995. Luther Vandross, song from the album, This is Christmas.
This should perhaps go under the category of most unfortunately named holiday media. The song starts off with the following dialogue:
"Girl come on over here and get under this MISTLETOE with me!"
"I'm not getting under that mistletoe with you any more!"
"Why not?"
"Cause you don't know how to act when you get under there."
"What are you talking about?"
"YOU know what I'm talking about."
"What?"
"The last time I got under that thing with you¡K"
"What happened?"
"The last time I got under there with you?... I had twins!"
"Oooh. Tell it all."
It also contains the verse:
Glad you got big feet,
Cause they're so good for dancing
Glad you got big legs
Cause they're so good when we're romancing
You still got the flavor
And I'm hungry for your love
So I'm gonna play this one jam
That will make you want to kiss somebody
And the oft repeated rousing chorus:
This is the mistletoe jam
I like to party all night
And dance to the mistletoe jam
Mistletoe Jam!
Everybody kiss somebody

Worst of all, I don't think this is meant to be a joke.

C. CHRISTMAS WITH ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
1962. Album.
This is the sort of novelty album that probably should have gone the way of the Christmas meowing or barking albums or that singing fish, but didn't. They are singing rodents, but their harmonies are tight and Christmas Don't Be Late remains a holiday favorite. For children everywhere that have sped up their own voices with technology and laughed.

Dedman:

1. "Christmas with the Devil" by Spinal Tap. The sugar plums are rancid and the stockings are in flames. Appearing on Tap's 1992 comeback record, Break Like the Wind, this track was brought to you by Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer, the auteurs of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and A Mighty Wind. Their reappearance was not well-received, and they even picked a fight with Metallica for plagiarizing the cover of their own "none more black" black album. Tap, of course, is by far the most amusing of the McKean/Guest/Shearer oeuvre, and their take on Christmas is bizarre indeed.

2. Rankin/Bass Christmas television specials. You remember these dreadful creations if you were remotely sentient during the seventies or eighties, when they were rerun ceaselessly during the holidays. (I was surprised to discover how old these are, actually, as the first of the series, Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, was released in 1964.). The primitively odd pseudo-claymation-animation and the overdone soundtrack effects make these television specials simply creepy and bizarre. Burl Ives croons away as Sam the Snowman while a yeti/sasquatch finds redemption? Yikes. Here are a few links, courtesty of IMDB, to jog your memory:

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

Of course, I note with interest that The League of Melbotis chose an image from one of these specials to accompany its introduction of the contest. That is most frighteningly unfortunate.

Anne Francis:

Radio City Christmas Spectacular - probably the most garish, expensive, unnecessary ode to Christmas. 2 hours of military precision dancing by a line of shapely women, massively dorky singers warbling about the joys of shopping and toys and even a scene where Mrs. Claus grabs Santa's butt (I kid you not!) only to end with a 20 minute sanctimonious "Living Nativity" scene - complete with live camels - that flogs the audience that Christmas is not about gifts and Santa (despite the fact that the previous 1 hour and 40 minutes had you believing otherwise) and absolutely castigating any goodwill you may have had towards the religious origins of the holiday. I hate this show.

RUNNER-UP
Not sure why, but I've always found the "Do they Know It's Christmas" to be somewhat bizarre. I mean, they are singing about Africa and asking "Do they know it's Christmas?" Well....if they're not Christian - PROBABLY NOT. Never knew Bob Geldolf had a missionary streak in him....
http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70312171613340497&sql=B2ltqoa8ayijn


Essential Media:

Molly Brensen:

1) David Sedaris "Santaland Diaries" NPR Morning Edition (originally about 1993 but they tend to replay it--that's the best I can do)
You can't do comedy justice by describing it. That said, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the background of grinches, and who needs a happy ending? Who expects one anyway when your job is playing Crumpet the Elf at Macy's for the Christmas season? Sedaris takes the piss out of deranged parents who make screaming children smile for the camera or ask Santa to stop animal testing, kids who want their dead dad back and a complete set of ninja turtles, "Santa Santa" who thinks he really is Santa, and Snowball the elf who leads all the other elves and Santas on. Of course, the main reason it's essential is because nowhere else will you hear what Away in a Manger would sound like sung by Billie Holiday.
I think I was supposed to say something about how this affected me personally. A year or two ago this came on the radio when I was driving with my kid sister who was just old enough not to believe in Santa anymore but smart enough not to tell our folks. So we listened to this and laughed ourselves silly (nearly causing a wreck) and shared our little secret that she was "in" on the grow-up stuff. Then we drove the rest of the way home singing Christmas songs in silly voices and different styles.

Nathan Cone:

"It's A Wonderful Life" ¡V 1946 ¡V directed by Frank Capra

Is there any film more ¡§wonderful¡¨ than ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life?¡¨ It may seem hard to believe, but Frank Capra¡¦s 1946 classic wasn¡¦t really a success when it opened. Now over fifty years later, ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ is one of the defining moments of American cinema, and is a perennial holiday favorite. But to call ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ a ¡§Christmas movie¡¨ isn¡¦t really doing it justice. Yes, much of it is set around Christmastime, but this is a film that can be viewed at any time of the year.

Jimmy Stewart stars as George Bailey, a role that he credited as his favorite until the day he died. Donna Reed is radiant as Mary Hatch, George¡¦s childhood sweetheart. George has dreams. He wants to travel the world become a famous architect, and have a life full of adventure. Instead, he¡¦s living in Bedford Falls, the same small town he grew up in, where he works at his family¡¦s building and loan business. After a life of sacrifice, a crisis that could leave him penniless and in jail drives George to the breaking point, and he contemplates suicide. Instead, his guardian angel Clarence, AS-2 (angel, second class), appears. George remarks that maybe the world would have been better off if he had never been born, and so Clarence shows him just what would have been, had that happened.

What Clarence shows George (and us) is just how precious our lives really are, and how interconnected we are to the rest of the world. Every deed we do does not go unnoticed; on the contrary, everything we do affects the people we know, and so on, and so on. It¡¦s a message that is as prescient at Christmastime as it is throughout the year.

Not to be overlooked in ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ are the terrific romantic and comedic moments, such as George and Mary¡¦s dance into an open swimming pool, or the honeymoon they share in a rickety old house that will one day become a home.

Yet the heart of It's A Wonderful Life remains its hero, George Bailey. The term "everyman" could have been coined from this role it's hard to find someone who hasn't felt the same as George at one time or another. Plus, Jimmy Stewart is just so doggone likeable, and plays the part with such emotion, that you can't help but feel yourself slipping into his shoes.

The coming Christmas season will undoubtedly bring repeated showings of "It's A Wonderful Life" on television as it does every year. You see, the film itself lapsed into the public domain in the 1970s, meaning that until its copyright was renewed in the 1990s, anyone who could get their hands on a print could make copies and sell them at a minimal cost. It also meant that television stations could show the film without paying any royalties. So, in a twist of fate, the film¡¦s public domain status brought it to a wider audience and made it more popular than ever before. This year, whether you¡¦ve never seen it, or even if you've seen it fifty times over, you owe it to yourself to take a trip to Bedford Falls, to discover again just how "wonderful" life really is.

"A Christmas Story" 1983 directed by Bob Clark

Like "It's A Wonderful Life," this movie flopped upon its initial release (do I see a pattern here?). But time has proven that "A Christmas Story" gets it right about what it's like to be a kid in the weeks leading up to that glorious morning of presents, presents, presents, and bleary-eyed parents. Who would have believed that the director of a movie as sophomoric and, some might say, misogynistic, as "Porky's" could craft something so warm-hearted? I still don't believe it. I think the real star of the movie is the late writer Jean Shepherd, whose writing and narration breathlessly whisks us through the story. It's a near-perfect mix of satire, and fond memories of life as a kid. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vince Guaraldi Trio ¡V "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

It's a classic now, but the network didn't like it at first. Jazz music? For a kids' program? But the "Peanuts" characters are less like kids and more like smaller adults, and that's just one of the reasons why this music fits so perfectly with the celebrated special. Can you look at folks on an ice rink and not think of the "skating" music? Do you bob your head back and forth like that weird dancing kid when you hear "Linus and Lucy?" Have you ever heard a more swingin' version of "O Tannenbaum" than the one crafted herein?


Maxwell

A. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
1965. Television.
Because Charlie Brown is depressed over the commercialism of Christmas. Because apparently pink aluminum trees were hot that year. Because a jazz band followed that group of kids around wherever they went. Because they used real kids voices for the characters. Because Linus is the wisest kid to ever carry a security blanket. Because gee wiz those kids can dance.

B. A CHRISTMAS STORY
1983. Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin
You know the tale. All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red-Ryder BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The film captures the imperfect perfection of most American households at Christmas and almost every line is quotable. Or at least my American household. If I had grown up in the '40's. Some of my favorites include,
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
"I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!"
"It was...It was...soap poisoning."
"Drink your ovaltine."
"I double dog dare ya."
"It's a major award."

C. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
1946. Frank Capra, James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore...
Admit it. You are a grown man. And it makes you cry.

(editor's note: Yes. I do. Every year. 8 years and Jamie still hasn't noticed that I'm sobbing like a baby over there on the other end of the couch.)


Dedman


1. "Merry Christmas from the Family" - Robert Earl Keen.
Mind you, I refer not to the uninspired studio version on Gringo Honeymoon but the energetic, impossible-not-to-enjoy live rendition on No 2 Live Dinner. By no means is Keen a master lyricist, and he's certainly not the best singer, but the live version of this song offers listeners an amusing piece of Texana which is tied to the holidays. In fact, the entire album is characterized by an energy and enthusiasm that simply does not appear in his studio recordings. Check it out.

2. The Ref, (1994).
Released in March of 1994, the film's promotional tagline was "The ultimate Christmas movie is coming this spring." Denis Leary, a bank robber, finds himself chaperoning his two hostages, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis. The rivalry and repartee between Spacey and Davis, who play a disfunctional married couple, reads like an existential Edward Albee yuletide comedy. This was Spacey, just a year shy from his greatest year, 1995, when he released three superb films, all of which had twist endings. (Those were, of course, Seven, The Usual Suspects, and Swimming with Sharks.). Alas, he went on to perpetrate K-PAX. Whatever the case, this is not your typical Christmas flick, but it is far more amusing that most of the cinematic detritus which passes for comedy these days.

3. General George Washington, Christmas 1776.
It was on Christmas night that Washington crossed the Delaware River. Its effect on history cannot be overstated. Pigeonholing this historical event into the "Most Essential Holiday Media" category is difficult, but I suspect, if challenged, I can develop some lawyerly argument to justify its inclusion.

(editor's note: while this isn't media in it's strictest sense, we're letting Jim's answer slide. Because here at the League, our patriotic hearts swell with pride at the thought of Washington going to kick a limey in the teeth on Christmas eve).


as a child I had a dream that I was in the boat with George. Funny what comes back to you.

Anne Francis

Charlie Brown Christmas- soundtrack only. Much better than the movie itself, as you don't get Linus' religious speech at the end.

(editor's note: While The League remains a secular institution, we kind of like Linus maintaing that the meaning of Christmas is not to be found in an aluminum tree.)

Mary Crawford

I nominate The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris in the Essential category.

When I mentioned to an esteemed colleague that I intended to nominate The Santaland Diaries in the Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!, his response was, F**k yeah I take this as evidence that I could have put my nomination in the Celebrated category as well, but my nomination stands in Essential.

Do a Google search for sardonic, merrily subversive tale. Need I say more?


more in another posting --->

THE TOP-DRAWER TENTH QUESTION

Time Travel. It's completely impossible (sorry Star Trek), and the very concept drives Jim D. into a mad frenzy for reasons he will actually go into all on his own. Yet film after film and cheap paperback after cheap paperback and an endless flood of comics and Twilight Zone episodes dwell on the possibility of "yeah, but what if...?" Plus, Jim kept bugging me about a time travel paradox question and some book he'd just read while I was working on my list.

So, we at The League of Melbotis, felt a time-travel question was a good one to ask Loyal Leaguers. After all, you all seem like a mass of insecurity and regret. But you can't really do this right without giving people a chance to change both themself and the world.

On to the question...

Question 10:

If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level

Eric Nordtrom:

--in my personal life
I wouldn't have allowed that thief to get ahold of my debit card number.
--on a more macrocosmic level
I'd have gone back to the Sunday before the levees broke, and chartered a convoy of buses to take everyone from New Orleans to ...
Ohio.


Tamara:

--in my personal life:

Switch actual LSAT score with best practice LSAT score. Come to think of it: Switch out actual day-to-day life generally with best practice day-to-day life.

--on a more macrocosmic level:

(editor's note: no answer)


Natalie:

--in my personal life: My marriage, but I truly believe it was unfixable (if that's a word).
--on a more macrocosmic level: The evacuation plan for New Orleans -- they should have bussed people out BEFORE the hurricane not after.

Jim D.:

First off, I don't believe you can use time travel to go back and "fix" anything. This is what irks me about time travel fiction in film and books. For the literary theory of time travel to be consistent, the time traveler can only play a role (known or more likely, unknown) in bringing about that which is already happened. He or she may attempt to change things or to bring about a different history, but whatever he or she does, he or she will only influence history in a way that will bring about the history we already know. So, on that level, this question is moot. But I don't think The League was seeking quite a nerdy objection to its question, so I must proceed.

--in my personal life

I doubt there is anything "this year" that I would go back and change. Really, any ripple effect from a temporal change would need to begin at least several years ago, as my life has been mostly the same for quite some time. I might go back to the summer of 1998 and tell myself to accept the job in Manhattan. I wonder how my life would have ended up if I had taken that job. Would I still be in NYC? Would I have ever gone to law school? If so, would I have gone to Baylor? What would I be doing now? Where would I be? Would you be reading this right now? Would the Mellies exist? Would the League's site? I might go back to 1994 and tell myself to study abroad (or at least, study more at home).

--on a more macrocosmic level

I don't know if I would want the responsibility of changing something on the macrocosmic level. I suppose the proper answer is to warn of or attempt to prevent some type of disaster or attack. I don't know what I would do. I would probably just prevent George Lucas from making (or remaking or reworking or redoing) any film after Empire Strikes Back). Sure, we would lose Indy, but I'm comfortable with that, especially since they are soon to ruin that franchise with a new sequel (and the second and third installments weren't that good to begin with, anyway).


Ryan V.:

--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level

I have no regrets. Or at least I’m not admitting them on my public blog.


Peabo:

--in my personal life
Never make someone who has done nothing to prove his value a partner in your firm.

--on a more macrocosmic level
I might have told that guy to hold off on the cartoon of Mohammed. Not that I have a problem with it in any way, but lots of people died. Over a cartoon. A cartoon. But military action is not the way to resolve problems, we should really get the angry cartoon killers back at the negotiating table. I’m sure there is a lot of fruitful discussion to be had with people who advocate the wholesale destruction of another nation and deny the Holocaust ever happened. These people clearly have the mindset to reach a compromise and a roadmap to peace.


Denise:

-None come to mind. I might not be the same person if I changed past events. You know….don’t mess with the whole “space-time continuum”

RHPT:

• in my personal life

Clearly I would fix my failure to win a single Powerball drawing.

• on a more macrocosmic level

Hurricane Katrina. I don't know how, but that's what I would fix.

Nathan:
--in my personal life: I'd eat better.
--on a more macrocosmic level: I'd help evacuate people from New Orleans sooner.

Social Bobcat:

--in my personal life
-would have called my grandfather on his birthday

--on a more macrocosmic level
-would have called my grandfather on his birthday to tell him that i'd just won a million dollars on sports gambling in Vegas


Maxwell:

--in my personal life:
I had an interview at a network and I was offered coffee and I took it and I was drinking my coffee in the interview and I missed my mouth in the interview and spilled the coffee on myself. And uh. I wouldn't do that.

--on a more macrocosmic level:
More recycling.


Harms:
--in my personal life
My personal life has never been better. I'm in love with my girlfriend and think she's the best girlfriend ever.

--on a more macrocosmic level
I'd like to record every failure of communication within all levels of government in terms of Katrina. I'd like to show this to the world as a demonstration of why great companies fail and why a "CEO president" is something we should run away from, fast.


Steanso:

personal- go back in time and get out of my old job much sooner. I kept working there in the hopes that things would get better, but they just got worse and worse and finally I got laid off.

macrocosmic- I'd go back and warn those New Orleanians that Hurricane Katrina was bringing her own little judgement day along with her.


CrackBass:

--in my personal life: quit old job sooner, taken more time off in between old and new jobs
--on a more macrocosmic level:
eliminate dick cheney and or karl rove

Reed-o:
--in my personal life

Valentine's Day 2006 (don't even ask; let's just say I screwed up on this day for the first time in the 13 years that we have been going out / married)

And if I could go back farther than this year, the Wilson Festivus 2004 party

--on a more macrocosmic level

I can't even began to narrow this down. It would be any number of the rotten things that our government has done to the world and it's own citizens over the past year. I would do everthing in my power to stop it. I don't have any more time to pick out one specific thing (sorry, it's 12:30 CST on March 15th).

D. Loyd: Too early to say.
--in my personal life. Family issues.
--on a more macrocosmic level. Aliens!

Jamie:
Personal - I would have gone to my plasmapheresis treatments more often. Maybe I wouldn't be on dialysis now if I had.

Macrocosmic - I would have evacuated everyone from the New Orleans/Gulf Coast area and have improved the levees to handle a category 5 hurricane. This is all prior to Katrina, of course.

The League:

Personal - I would not have shot that man in Reno just to watch him die.

ah, heck... I would probably not have spent each and every weekend watching VH1. I probably would have tried to make something of my life. Whoops. Too late.

Also, probably should have tried to train Lucy at some point.

MacroCosmic - Stopped Galactus, Eater of Planets, from destroying Marklarr VII, home of a crystalline intelligence unlike any known in the 4 quadrants of the Faizuul Nebula.

Also, maybe, done some Paul Revere work to try to save New Orleans and/ or the residents.


RESULTS:

How do some of you have no regrets from the past year? Jesus. That's some serious confidence. Or something.

I think we're agreed that Katrina blew chunks. As well as Rita (sorry about all that displacement, Jim D.).

Mr. Bobcat gets special points for maybe winning a million dollars (I have some great investment opportunities if you're looking to make a lot of money in the Arizona Ocean-Front Property business. Actually, that's the plot to Superman I, isn't it?).

For a guy who actually was kicked out of his home for a few weeks by a natural disaster, Jim D. remains philosophical. However, he was a Rita victim and probably knew to get the hell out of the way.

Harms probably meant to be darling, but I've noticed his girlfriend is now in every answer. I may need to start making fun of you now.

Tamara gets triple points for the "LSAT" response.

Nat, didn't know about the divorce. The guy was a bastard and you're better off without him. Now, if you're looking to start over and are looking for a guy who is a lot like, uh... Chewbacca... may I suggest Steanso..? He's a unique fixer-upper-opportunity.

Peabo, I just want to know how you would phrase it to the Danish cartoonist that their doodle was going to lead to dozens to deaths and weeks of rioting without making him think you were some sort of loony doomsday prophet.

Jamie's medical history isn't much to snicker about, and we're really not sure if extra pheresis would have helped. To be truthful, she seemed to be getting sick from the treatments for a while there, so I dunno what I would have done differently. Last year sucked.

I can also say that, if I knew more than five of you were going to respond, my list of questions would have been a lot shorter. Getting these results up has officially turned into work. When was the last time I had a normal post? Ah, hell... you monkeys probably are enjoying this more than the usual Superman-related post.