Here at The League, we see shitty movie so you don't have to.

For whatever reason I got it in my head to go see Blade Trinity. Full disclosure: I saw Blade and Blade 2 on opening nights and just enjoyed the hell out of them. Blade Trinity? Not so much.

From the opening scene of the movie, something just feels... off. Something is wrong. I don't mean in a good tension building way. I mean, the editing seems sloppy, the scenes don't really make sense. Special editing techniques seem borrowed and poorly used. Even the audio seemed muddy a few times (but that's also Snipes playing a character who never unclenches his jaw long enough to speak). Camera shots are okay, but not great. Dialogue is covered, but there are some scenes that just feel as if the director has no idea where to put the camera or what the intention of the scene is, which is weird. David Goyer wrote and directed the movie.

Additional disclosure: I used to read David Goyer comics, so I was really pulling for this guy. He used to write JSA and some other comics, and word on the street is that his next project might be a big-screen adaptation of The Flash. Which I think would be swell. Except that large chunks of this movie have the feel of a particularly well crafted undergraduate student film. That is not a compliment.

In the interest of even more disclosure, I had read something WAS wrong with Snipes while the movie was being made. I don't remember where I read it, but it seemed to suggest Snipes may have been charged with domestic assault charges during the filming of Blade. So, you know, maybe there are good reasons why Blade seems so, uh... tense. I cannot confirm or deny these rumors, so I do not believe these allegations (note the clever way in which the League avoids yet another charge of libel).

The movie is full of simply dumb inconsistencies.
-The vampires, who burn up in daylight, live and work in a sky scraper which is big and mostly glass. Sure, they COULD be hiding out during the day, but that's like keeping a big ol' jug of chlorine gas in your house and just thinking nothing could possibly go wrong.
-Cops are armed with... nothing. So when that chick from 7th Heaven appears in the movie armed only with a bow, no biggie. She doesn't need to worry about being riddled with bullets while selecting an arrow and taking aim.
-People escape from a half-dozen police cars by... driving away in a late-80's model SUV down a normal city street.
-Our lady-hero gets a stern reprimand from Blade because she isn't prepared (ie - isn't wearing armor vs. the vampires...) and she STILL goes into t he final battle in a really cute belly shirt she found at the GAP.
-She is, however, armed with a sort of laser hack saw which is reportedly "half as hot as the sun", but which folds up comfortably onto your belt without scalding you, and which needs a power supply no bigger than a pack of gum. And the thing doesn't melt your eyes out of their sockets when you kick it on (forget needing a welders mask).

Parker Posey, who I really, really do like, plays exactly the same role she played in Josie and the Pussy Cats (a movie which I secretly love but try not to admit to enjoying). The director manages to make Ms. Posey look awkward and stilted from the very first shot of the movie (in which the vampires, for no good reason, unearth Dracula in the middle of the day in the middle of the Sumerian desert... nice stealth mission, guys). I think that's hard to do. They also seem to put her in some pretty funky hairstyles which do less than flatter Ms. Posey.

Jessica Biel seems both out of her league and element in this film. And someone should have pointed out to her character that listening to MP3's with ear-buds while people are trying to kill you is sort of like intentionally closing your eyes while someone is trying to kill you. It doesn't make you tough. It makes you silly.

Ryan Reynolds will be the reason people like this movie. He's great. Seriously. He's really funny and fits well with the modern action film as a wise-cracking tough-guy. In the SPider-Man comics, Spidey is always talking trash while he's picking fights, and the writers of Spidey 3 would do well to watch Reynolds performance here to see how it's done.

The rest of the cast are pretty much fill-in-the-blank slots. Sure, there's a big, tough bruiser vampire (played by the guy who was Sabretooth in X-Men), but not a whole lot else to take a shine to. One actor plays a blind geneticist, and I'll say she does a lot with a small role. But it's not much to save the movie.

Oh, and the Zoe character gets to riff off of Newt from Aliens. Bleah. And she completely disappears during the final firefight which she sort of sparks.

Plotwise: Dracula is dug up, ostensibly, to capture/ kill Blade. Dracula is TOLD this. Then, upon returning home, the exact same five vampires who dig up Drac immediately set-up Blade and get him captured by the cops. However, instead of just putting a bullet in Blade and going off for blood-slushies, they play with him for a while. No idea why.

Having awoken their God for apparently no reason, Dracula is then supposed to somehow be helping the vampires with some sort of formula, but for what? I'm not sure. I THINK it's to allow vampires to go out in the sunlight (which Dracula can do), but it's never really clear what master plan Parker and Co. are working out. The plan is the sort of hazy mess you usually only see at large, public universities. As they work out the details, Parker and Co. ditch Drac by giving him some clothes nobody in their right mind would wear out except to go "clubbing", a little walking round money and then letting him wander the streets of what is clearly Vancouver.

Never mind the fact the FBI is operating here in Vancouver (we see that big space-needle doo-hickey a dozen times in the film) like it's no big deal. Or that it seems like sort of a let-down to go from being the scariest vampire in the world to having to live in Canada.

Natural resources are wasted.
-Patton Oswalt show up, toss out a few lines and then are tossed away.
-Vampire dogs are introduced and then just dropped (literally).
-Even a relationship between Seventh Heaven refugee-girl and Kris Kristofferson is muddily established and then goes absolutely nowhere.
-Kristofferson backs up all his computer files (to where?) and then blows up the building he's in to, I guess, protect Blade. Never mind that his files, should they have fallen into the hands of the police, might have actually shown the police Blade might not be just some kooky guy with a great car.

Look, this is one of those movies I could go on and on about, and people who liked it could argue, "Hey, League... It's not that kind of movie, quit taking it so seriously".

And, God help me... I am not taking it all that seriously, but this has got to be one of the laziest, sorriest feature films I've seen this year (including AVP). The Blade series, which was sort of a one-trick pony to begin with, maybe never should have gotten beyond the first film. But the second one was okay, if not a great improvement. One would have hoped the cast and crew connected with this flick would have done a better job.

I assume this is it for ol' Blade. I'm kind of hoping the Blade movies have now fulfilled America's obsession with rich club kids as bloodsuckers and will move on to some new idea. The idea was great when it was fresh, but like all sci-fi fantasy ideas, its being done to death (see Underworld or Dracula 2000).

Mrs. League here. I'd like to create a new column here at the League called:

THAT AIN'T RIGHT

I regularly read cnn.com, which generally contains a nice, if somewhat guarded, overview of the world today. There is a section on the main page of this site which features a Video of the Day. I've been noticing in the past week or so video titles such as "Florida park having trouble getting crocodiles to mate" and "Woman gets hand caught in bus door; subsequently run over". Now, I'm just speaking for myself, but it seems like those are two news items not screaming for video coverage. Just my two cents...

Arden keeps it real.

Well, that went poorly...

Yesterday was my final presentation for my ostensibly "online" course I am taking in pursuit of my Masters. Honestly, I didn't work all that hard on the presentation itself as I am much more focused on the paper which the presentation was going over. I'm about 80% done with the paper, and have outlined it to completion, so I felt fairly confident in my talking points.

I don't like Power Point as a resource for presentations. People spend too much time worrying about which trippy background to use, how to make cool sounds and flashy animations whiz in and out of the frame. I pretty much like to use a white background and black, arial text. Totally boring, but I guarantee you, I spend 1/2 the time of some people on my presentation prep, and the audience doesn't care.

Seriously, nobody cares. I hate to be the one to tell you, but it's true.

Anyhoo, apparently presenting on "Considerations for Implementing Distance Learning Programs in Institutions of Higher Education" is not as sexy a topic as I had originally believed. I announced that I do not like giving presentations, and would feel more comfortable having a conversation using my PPT's as a springboard. Well, that didn't work. The blank stares I received as I proceeded weren't just the usual "hey, you're not making any f**king sense" stares I usually get when I present. Rather, these people were actively NOT listening to me. Doodling on notepads, playing on computers, checking their voicemail... luckily my instructor was nodding emphatically and smiling the entire time as if encouraging the syrupy smelling kid in the class as he brings his macaroni art to the front of the room for Show & Tell.

Of course as I concluded and asked for questions, nobody raised their hands to ask any questions and everyone looked down at their shoes or at their desks.

"Oooookay..." I nodded.

My teacher tried to help out by asking a question, but it didn't really go anywhere. Someone sort of asked a question which didn't really relate to anything I'd just said. And at that point I was trying to figure out if it was possible everyone in the class just didn't care, didn't like my presentation, or didn't understand a word I said. Or if it didn't matter. And there's no graceful exit in a classroom.

Anyway, that's why I've been busy.

Mrs. League here. Last year 'round Christmastime, the League and I were camped on the couch taking in the yearly showing of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". Leaguers, this is my absolute favorite Christmas special. I Loved Rudolph as a wee lass and would spend an alarmingly abnormal amount of time drawing pictures of the nasally-challenged Christmas deer. But last year's viewing sparked a new discussion at League HQ starting with the consensus that "Hey, this show is sending out some questionable, non-Christmassy messages."

Someone agrees with us: 16 Serious Questions about "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"

Here's just a sample:

"1) Why is Santa such a complete bastard?"

".......this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh."

Good stuff.

Somethings are too darn interesting not to share.

Check out these images of the skeletons of popular cartoon characters.

2004 Holiday Spectacular Rules Update

Well, it looks like my little scheme (hatched originally by our own Jim D) wasn't making much sense. Jason still sounds confused and when he gets confused he gets angry, which usually leads to unwarranted name-calling and a subpoena of one sort or another.

Here's the basic idea of the photo contest:

Want to see Melbotis in a field of snow with David Hasslehoff? That's an idea. I'll see what I can do to put that together with my digital camera and the magic of Photoshop.

Want to see Ryan and Jamie on the roof wearing reindeer antlers? That's an idea.

Want to see Mel and Ryan drunk, naked and passed out in a bundle of Christmas lights? That's an idea!

Just want to see a picture of Jeff and Mel drinking some nog in front of the tree... ? THAT'S AN IDEA!!!

You come up with an idea for a Holiday scene and Jamie, Jeff, Mel and/or The League, and we will be happy to create a holiday masterpiece for you to view each time you visit The League during the week of Christmas.

Depending upon quality of ideas and our amount of free time, we'll produce as many of the images as we can. But it's up to YOU, our loyal readership, to tell us what, exactly, YOU WANT TO SEE.

If you have a Holiday themed idea, send it along. We'll see what we can do to get a nifty holiday themed image created for Christmas.

The 2004 Jim D. Enforced HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR!

Greetings, Loyal Leaguers.

I'm busy. Super duper busy. But not so busy that I don't take phone calls.

And yesterday, I was pressing my nose to the old grindstone when Jim D called to say, Hey, you lazy bastard, get a holiday contest up and running.

"I dunno," The League replied. "I don't have any ideas."
"Why don't you have people write in and say what sort of holiday photo you should take to post to The League?"
"You know..." The League said, thoughtfully staring at his light fixture, "That ain't a bad idea."
And thusly, the 2004 Jim D. Enforced HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR was born.

We're going to have two running items for the 2004 HOLIDAY SPECTACULAR.

1) Tell The League what you'd like to see for a Holiday themed photo.

and

2) Tell Melbotis your Christmas wish!


Ultra-Humanite and The Flash bring the kids Holiday tidings

The rules are as follows:

THE PHOTO CONTEST

a) must be relatively tasteful in nature. Let's not go down the path which leads to blindness.
b) I can photoshop in folks I don't know, but let's try to keep your demands on my time realistic
c) must be HOLIDAY themed. This may include Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, etc... But Ramadan is over, so we'll wait for that for next year.
d) should contain at least one member of the staff at League HQ (Jamie, Jeff, Mel, The League)

entries should be submitted before December 17th. Send the e-mail to Mel's e-mail address in the left hand side-bar.


Mrs. Kent gives Mr. J'onzz a lovely Christmas present

MEL TALKS ABOUT YOUR CHRISTMAS WISHES

a) submit to Mel an e-mail detailing your Christmas wish.
b) Mel will reprint your letter in it's entirety
c) Mel will follow up with any questions or comments you may have
d) Must be a Holiday Wish of some sort.
e) try to keep it clean.
f) every entry fit to print will be printed.
g) Mel cannot spell-check nor edit, so he's printing what he gets.

So start sending in your entries. You will see the winner/s of the Holiday Photo contest the week of the December 20th. The Christmas wishes will be posted as they come in.

Send entries to Melbotis.



For more on the rules, click here.

I do not understand the BCS. Moreover, I am actually upset that UT's rankings weren't lower. After all, the Fiesta Bowl is a 10 minute walk from my office. I'll have to settle for the Rose Bowl, I suppose. Go Horns!

For the totally confusing year-end results for college football, read here.

Jim was asking "why no Holiday contest for 2004? down at The LEague". he is, I asuppose, referring to the now infamous "Holiday Heckstravganza" from 2003. Last year I checked in to see what Loyal Leaguers thought of Holiday media, and then I posted some results. Well, this year the League is doing everything he can just to keep up with work, school, Mel and Jamie. Besides, I had no ideas for this year's Holiday Contest. Maybe I will have you guys send in Christmas wishes to Mel. He will print your letter and respond.

What do you think?

I had a nice, quiet weekend. Spent Saturday morning shopping for Christmas decorations, lights, etc... We put up the most Super tree anyone ever saw, drank some hot cider, hung a wreath, set up a nice little Holiday table. It was raining cats and dogs all weekend, so I didn't initially think I would put up the outdoor string of lights (we do sport one string in the front window).

About 5:00 Heavenly Creatures came on IFC. I always tie Heavenly Creatures in my head with Christmas depsite it's utter lack of a Christmas theme. When the movie was released, I was hanging out with high school chums also home for the Holidays and suggested we go see the movie down at River Oaks. This was back when having Peter Jackson attached to a movie meant something far different from what it means today.

When the titles rolled, pal-Erica said quietly, "I thought you said 'Heavenly Christmas'." And suddenly I was having flashbacks to when I had taken my high school girlfriend to see Naked Lunch without any kind of prep. Suffice it to say, the screening did not go well. Heavenly Christmas indeed.

Also, my copy of the Spider-Man 2 DVD arrived from Amazon. So I wrapped up my Saturday with a little Spidey action. Still a great movie. Although The Admiral did confirm he felt Peter Parker was "a bit of a weenie" when he and my mother went to see the movie last summer. I have also decided I want four monstrous mechanical arms.

Sunday was spent working on my paper for school. I have to present Thursday, so there goes the remainder of my week. Much like UT, my current school has very little parking for students coming to campus to utilize the library, so I got rained on walking from hither to yon. Of course there were parking garages close by, but they're all locked up on the weekends. Ingenius.

I realized how much I missed doing research while I was down in the basement digging through journals. Web-searching just doesn't have that same sense of Eureka! that you get going through stacks of dusty magazines and books looking for a scrap of evidence to back up your nonsensical thesis.

My last year of college I had to write a 35+ page paper on a minor incident involving Woodrow Wilson's secretary when he was involved in a "leak" scandal regarding the US's entry into WWI. I spent months in the PCL at UT pouring over NYTimes from 1916-1918 (truly, it is the paper of record if you want to do research). I also browsed Wilson's correspondence during the same period.

In the end, I finished the paper and I guess I got an "A", but I am fairly sure my instructor thought I was an idiot, as did my fellow classmates. I was inclined to make bizarre, sleep-deprived suppositions and to show up with stacks of photocopies of pages with nothing underlined in any of them claiming that, buried in here, I had proven Tumulty's innocence (which really wasn't in doubt).

Anyway, while the current research topic is, perhaps, a bit more mundane, it's nice to be back in the stacks and trying to make a point through the odd process of quoting other people.

Sunday morning I had decided that either the lights were going up in the rain or they would not go up at all, and so Jamie and I slogged into the yard and got our lights up. And, I might add, they are quite festive. We're not into the icicle thing, and until this year we were using white lights. But our neighbors who had hung lights last week ahd used color lights, and back in Austin we always used colored lights (we were kicking it South Austin style with the string around the windows, etc... ) and I wanted a return to form. It may not look like a Martha Stewart approved Christmas, but it's festive.

Anyway, hopefully I'll get some pics taken and posted.

One last comment, Randy sent along some Asian reprints of DC comics he picked up on his recent Honeymoon to Singapore, Idonesia and other places they won't have me. Gotham Comics is an Asian publishing company which also licenses American stuff for reprint, and the comics Randy sent are some great issues of Superman and Batman produced by Gotham. Up until this moment I wasn't going to open them because they're factory sealed, and I thought that was kind of cool, but now... now I want to read them, or at least take a look at them. The ads, etc... are always fun to look at. Should be cool.

And.... just as I thought I was done for the weekend, Jamie showed me this.

Poodle workout.

In the world of WHAT THE F**K....??!!!, this one may be near the top.

Seriously, just let it run and let it all soak in.

Couple of quick items to take us into the weekend:

1) Reed-o sent this along. Anyway, I thought it was hilarous.

2) Should I ever run for office I shall do so as a Republican for the sole purpose of using the following for my campaign slogan:

Compassionate. Conservative. Cuckoo for Coco Puffs.

I just want to see that slogan printed beside my face plastered on a billboard near the freeway.

3) Still no idea what to get Jason. I'm going with a gross of packages of Spaghetti noodles.

4) Mel woke us up this morning at 4:30 AM standing on the couch (upon which he is NOT allowed) and barking. At 4:30 AM. Must seek vengeance.

5) I want to see you people visiting Jason's new site. He's working really hard on it, but he's going to get discouraged if nobody ever visits or comments.

6) Everytime someone tries to tell me Superman isn't Christmassy, I want them to remember how Superman helped St. Nick save Christmas that one year...

Christmas is coming. Still no idea what to get for Jason. Lincoln logs, hookers, booze and golf lessons are all I've heard about thus far from you people. I need some help.

Video of an amazing karate-weilding chimp. It's not about age, it's about skill level.

Today is World AIDS Day.

Learn more about AIDS and HIV and what is being done at the link above.

Couple of quick notes:

1) Looks like I was caught up in an Urban Legend once again. Thanks to Jim for the link.

2) Watching the 40 Least Metal Moments on VH1 is awesome. The guys they're interviewing to show their dismay at how un-Metal some of their heroes have become are just awesome. The guys being interviewed are 40 or older, and are not afraid to keep on rockin' in a way which you haven't really seen since 1993, nor by many folks over the age of 18.

Ricki Rachtman? Is ashamed of Ozzy? Dude, don't worry about it. We're embarrassed for you for being 40 and still idolizing Dave Mustaine. I mean, some of these guys giving commentary seem genuinely pissed off.

I highly encourage you to catch a few minutes of the show.

And, hey, metal testimonial guys... try to remember... You're being interviewed by VH1, the network built on the backs of Phil Collins, Whitney Houston and Gloria Estefan.

It made me really miss metal dudes from back in high school. Do they still have metal dudes in high school? It was like, you just knew the metal dude was going to be a terrible lab partner before they even paired you with the guy. He was going to put his head on his desk and make you do all the work, or else he was going to keep using the bunsen burner to torch notebook paper.

I miss metal dudes. I need to find some.

3) The Real Gilligan's Island was a spooky disappointment and lasted five minutes on my TV. But at least I know what became of Nicole Eggert.

4) I propose a new viewing challenge. I propose Madi Hinojosa go to see the all new Fat Albert Movie in the theater. If she agrees to see the movie and write a review for The League, I will reimburse her for the cost of 1 ticket, 1 small popcorn and 1 medium soda (based upon costs here at the local theater). I highly suggest Madi try to rent some Fat Albert cartoons or read up on Fat Albert online before going to the show. I also suggest she find the old Bill Cosby comedy records in which Fat Albert originated.

The review will be printed without edits here at The League.

BRING THE PAIN: THE ADVENTURES OF STEANSO

Can you believe it? Randy has influenced my brother.

Randy said:

You know what I love best about the commenting feature of The League? The back-and-forth between The League and his brother. Now, this may be because I have no siblings to call my own, but nothing makes me chuckle more than when Jason is calling The League names and vice-versa. You two should have your own tv show, or at least radio show.

At the very least, Jason should have his own blog.

Thus, my brother has decided to jump into the blogosphere, not realizing how unwelcome his meddling presence will surely be.

And so, from within my own family, blogcompetition is born. I am sure to lose a great deal of readership as people while away the hours reading his musings and not my own.

My one saving grace is that Jason is both cheap and lazy. This means he won't pay for server space for photos, and he's sure to blog once or twice a week at best. Not exactly the kind of dedicated blogging you've come to expect from The League.

I would expect his blog to be acerbic, if merry. He's an opinionated little minx, so you're sure to get some good Texas Democrat venom spewing within his postings.

So, before he gives up on the whole enterprise, I encourage all of you to visit what will surely be a short-lived but entertaining venture into blogging.

Ladies and germs, I present (with no small amount of trepidation) The Adventures of Steanso.

A Mrs. League Pepsi Holiday Spice update.

Dedicated Leaguers may recall the immensely popular The League Takes The Pepsi (Holiday Spice) Challenge!!! post. In that report, the League mentions not being able to imagine drinking the stuff again sans a little help from the Captain. I think our neighborhood Basha's came to that same conclusion. Yesterday I noticed they were selling the PHS in a separate display coupled with Jim Beam.

In other news (and this is for Shoemaker): December 5 is Ninja Day!

Greetings, Leaguers.

Jim D is not just a lawyer of the highest caliber, he's also a bit of a film nut/snob. The interesting thing about Jim D's film nuttiness/snobbiness is that he puts his moolah where his mouth is.

A long while back now, Jim D told me he'd written a script and a buddy of his was going to produce/ direct the film. "Cool," said The League. But The League went to film school and has heard THIS song and dance before. Usually a script gets written and some plans are made, and then people get lazy. But, Leaguers, not our Jim.

I read the script in a rough version, then in a cleaned up version, and finally in what I believe to be the shooting script. And it's a taught bit of drama Jim's written. His chum Alistair is the director and, i think, the editor. Jim stayed involved as a producer on the film, which meant he didn't need to worry about some knucklehead taking his script and turning it into a slapstick comedy.

Primary shooting completed earlier this year, and I think it's off to be edited now.

Here's the additional good news: They've cut the first trailer.

probably the best way to catch up with the goings on with the film is to click here to get to Jim's re-cap page. Check out stills, the trailer and the proposed poster.

Well done, Jim! I'm super excited to see the film continuing to make progress. It's going to be crackerjack when it's complete and assembled.

I totally want a credit. I don't care what it's for, but I want a credit. Something like "4th Assistant Associate Producer" or "Jim Wrangler".

Randy is back from his honeymoon!



I loved this picture. If you click on it, you can get to his first post.

If you go here, you can see even more of Randy's vacation photos.

What Can You Get a Wookiee for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?

Sometime around 1981-82, mi madre took mi hermano y yo to Greenspoint Mall for some early Holiday shopping. During our visits to the mall, we'd always stop by the record bin at Sears to see what they had in stock so we could keep up with the latest hits from The Chipmunks and Buckner & Garcia (who would later play a tremendous influence on all of my brother's musical stylings).

But one year... yes, one year, sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas we went digging through the bins with our grubby little paws, hoping to spy the latest from The Chipmunks when we stumbled upon a Holiday release which would forever change the very nature of the Christmas Season at Casa de Steans.

Christmas in the Stars

The album sported the voice (or a close approximation) of Anthony Daniels as C3PO. It sort of told a story, had some bizarre yet well rendered cover art, and had a funky beat you could dance to.

The premise of the album was as follows:
Santa doesn't just serve the earth on Christmas. F**k, no. He serves the entire GALAXY. And in order to make enough toys for boys and girls across the galaxy, he employs not cheap elf labor, but DROIDS. Lots and lots of DROIDS. Apparently, according to this album, the droids all toil away in Santa's workshop slapping together slot car kits and pondering Santa's existence, the nature of the universe and the meaning of Christmas.

Which, you know, is about the bestest thing ever when you're 7 or 8 years old.


totally rad cover art enhances this Holiday Musical Fare

An interesting side note regarding the album: it stars the vocal talents of a very young John Bongiovi. That's Jon Bon Jovi to you folks who can't rock East Coast Style. I'm not sure who he is on the record, but if he is who I think he is, Jon, you have a lot to answer for. Actually, Bon Jovi has a lot to answer for no matter what.

Anyway, the album found itself on repeat at Casa de Steans every Christmas until I was in 4th or 5th grade, when older brother Jason became an incredibly grumpy middle-schooler who decided Christmas was dumb. After that Christmas in the Stars fell out of rotation and out of favor during the Yule Season.

Some time in the late 90's, Rhino records uncovered this Holiday gem, cleaned it up a bit and rereleased it onto an unsuspecting world. Perhaps Uncle George allowed this to happen in order to derail us all from rediscovering the Star Wars Holiday Special. Who knows? I'm just proud to own my copy.

The album features many great tunes, and a kind of bitter sweet story which might be read as a bizarre theological analog (despite the droids' professed belief in Santa, his Santa's SON comes to see the droids and reaffirm their belief...).

The songs are sort of goofy, including "R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and "Odds Against Christmas Being Christmas" (where C3PO just SHINES!!!).

My favorite, of course, is: What Can you Get a Wookiee for Christmas?

What can you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already owns a comb
What can you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that
To take home

Oh, he doesn't need a tie clip
And he doesn't use shaving foam
So what can you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already owns a comb
(Spoken:) It's really a problem

What can you get a Wookiee for Christmas
when he already owns a comb
What can you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that
To take home
No, He'll never wear galoshes
Or a hat upon his furry dome
So what can you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already owns a comb

Let's give him love and understanding
Good will to men
We wrap it all up in bright colored ribbon
And we give it to him all over again
And that's what you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already owns a comb.

That's what you get in a hurry for a furry kind of friend like that
To take home
'Cause he doesn't need a tie clip
And he doesn't need shaving foam
So that's what you get a Wookiee for Christmas
When he already has a comb
When he already owns a comb!

Ahhh... Turkey Day

I'll be winging it on Wednesday morning for Austin, Texas. Sounds like it's going to be a humdinger of a good time at THe House of the Red Door. Mum has already purchased our turkey, and I understand I am responsible for locating some other goods once I am on the ground in Austin.

Last year a student from Taiwan asked me "So what is Thanksgiving?"

And I tried to give the elementary school version and explain how the Pilgrims wanted to give thanks after a terribly crappy first year, and wanted to celebrate the harvest, and invited some of their new pals from the Native American village over the hill.

"And then we killed all of the Indians!" my helpful classmate piped up.

"Well, that's the longer version of the story--" I began. By now the poor Taiwanese student was a bit horrified.

"We gave them diseases and shot them all," concluded my classmate.

"American history is..." I was searching for a word. "Complicated. But the basic gist is that it's about coming together to give thanks for the year."

"What is a pilgrim?"

"They were these guys from England who felt they weren't free enough in England to, uh... well, they were seeking religious freedom. They wanted to be more religiously strict, and got kicked out of England. And then they went to Holland, and I think they more or less got kicked out of Holland. So they bought some land and sailed to the US."

"So the holiday is religious?"

"Yes. No. Yes. No. Well, it can be."

"So what do you do on Thanksgiving?"

"You eat a turkey and potatos and stuffing, watch football and argue with family."

"And..?"

"That's what we do at my house."

"Me too," my classmate replied.

"Sometimes," I added, "We play catch in the front yard."

The Taiwanese classmate's expression said it all. Not much of a Holiday.

But it is, and it's ours and it's groovy.



Enjoy your family. Enjoy your friends. Remember to stop and give thanks to God or Allah, or cosmic coincidence or whomever you give thanks to.

I'm thankful for

a decent job
Superman comics
health
family
friends
a dog who never fails to make me laugh
a cat who never fails to entertain
and, as always, I'm thankful for Jamie

You guys go out there and have a nice Turkey Day

Any ideas what to get my brother for Christmas?

He's a 31 year old lawyer, he enjoys B-movies, playing in a band and Tex-mex.

Anyone? Anyone?

Isn't Superman dead?

Okay, so I had assumed/ hoped that this article would remain below the radar of The League's readership. But the Leaguers are a wily lot, and as such, Jeff Shoemaker has thrown down the gauntlet.

Here is the gist of the article, stated in the opening paragraph:

Superman is too good a role model. Fans of the man from Krypton unwittingly compare themselves to the superhero, and realise they do not measure up. And as a result, they are less likely to help other people.

Strong words. So how does the League defend the indefensible?

To begin with, the general populace lumps Superman in with Chefboyardee and Mr. Potato Head as a sort of universal pop-culture constant. Superman is okay, but he's a boyscout and boring (he's no XXX, stickin' it to The Man!). People basically know who Superman is, and can make general assumptions about the character, so, obviously the researchers were able to wrangle up an excellent sample of Superman fans for their study. Or, you know, sorority girls with Superman emblems on their halter tops.

The article is sketchy with details of the research or the purpose of the actual research. One part of the study basically asked people (the article doesn't define the population outside of "students") to list characteristics of either superheroes in general or Superman in particular.

Then, three months later, the subjects were asked to appear for a volunteer program. Apparently fewer of the Superman "primed" people appeared and judged "less likely to help people."

I just don't feel like there's much information here to go by.

The author's posit: Superman is an impossible imaginary figure to live up to, so instead of trying, fans interested in Superman, or who identify with Superman, cannot get over the psychological trauma of being human, and thusly, cannot summon the will to help others.

But here's the important part: Despite the opening paragraph, note that the article doesn't state that the folks who didn't show up to volunteer are actually fans of Superman. The subjects of the study were average "students" who were "primed" with Superman one way or another instead of a more generic ideal of superheroes. Not once does the article indicate that anyone involved was predisposed to enjoying Superman comics, cartoons, movies, etc... Not even those sorority girls in their Superman halters.

The conclusion drawn by researchers relating to the actual study is as follows:

The reason (ed. insert: Superman fans didn't show), believes Nelson, is that asking people to compare themselves to an exceptional individual makes them realise their shortcomings. Whereas thinking about a general category encourages people to identify the strengths they have in common.

I can't disagree with what the researchers said in the above statement.

Point to the Founding Fathers instead of superheroes. In general, we think of those bewigged patriots as noble, if eccentric, men of destiny. We know as a group that they had foibles and shortcomings. But once you mention George Washington or Ben Franklin, unless you're an historian or take more than a Gov't 101 passing interest in history, you shine a divine light upon these people. It's much easier to imagine being one of many patriotic minded folks in a general powdered wig sort of way than to imagine being the same guy who won fought in the French-Indian Wars, crossed the Delaware and stuck it out at Valley Forge. Founding the world's greatest Republic is tough marker to measure up to for Joe and Jane Public.

But does it affect whether or not people show up to volunteer?

The article is in short supply as to details. Of those people who made it to the volunteer event, were there 80% fewer Superman primed folks, or 1%? What were the people asked to volunteer for as the mock follow up? How many people were asked in total to participate? What was the expected standard deviation? Did any of the Superman primed folks have an excuse why they didn't show? Was it raining that day? Did the semester end? Were Superman primed and superhero primed people asked to appear for separate events? Were any other superheroes included in the list? What was the control of the study? What would have happened with, say... Groucho Marx or The Bangles versus Superman? What if more people showed up who volunteered and were given "Groucho" to describe? And wasn't the volunteering for the experiment in the first place a sign that the Superman populace was willing to volunteer?

I obviously am missing something about the experiment and the journalist's conclusions. However, it's not to hard to imagine the journalist getting a full report of the experiment and saying "Oh, so Superman fans won't help people? That IS interesting! Man DOES bite dog!" It's lazy journalism.

Imagine an article on a "scientific" study being published reading "Fans of Basketball are unable to assist others because they can never be Karl Malone." Or, to make an exact parallel regarding what the hero figure DOES versus what the fans feel they cannot DO: "Fans of the Beatles are unable to play the drums because they feel that their greatest effort shall never surpass that of Ringo." Or "Lawyers feel Clarence Darrow too good of an attorney for them to compare selves to. Lawyers less likely to do jobs adequately."

The most irritating aspect is, of course, that you can't argue with something once it's in print. There's now conclusive scientific proof that Superman fans are losers. Hurray. If I received this article already a few times today, it's going to be one of those things relatives bring up for the next few years at Thanksgiving dinner when they see my Superman watch. "I heard that people who like Superman won't help people."

It's going to be the new "Isn't Superman dead?"

The League Takes The Pepsi (Holiday Spice) Challenge!!!

Not so long ago, Jamie and The League were watching some prime-time television, as is our habit. During the commercial break, a lively Pepsi add appeared in which several magical elves were trying to drive a delivery truck, but, amusingly, the elves were too small to drive a truck, and their team work wasn't really working to help them park the truck.

The League was filled with Holiday Mirth.

Mrs. League announced loudly: That stuff looks so gross.

Bear in mind, they had not actually even SHOWN the product.

BULLSHIT! declared the League. I'm going to buy some!

A quick editor's note: Mrs. League is reading over my shoulder (and being a Spelling-Nazi) and wants to clarify that she had read a description of Pepsi Holiday Spice online, and so she KNEW Holiday Spice was not going to be the flavor explosion it was being advertised to be. This concerns me as I wonder why Mrs. League is going to web pages discussing the flavors of new sodas. Ah, well. Maybe I should spend more time at home.

And then, just last week, Jim D. posted an inquiry regarding Pepsi Holiday Spice.

You can read Jim's post here.

This morning I awoke with a craving for waffles, and so I ventured out to the neighborhood Basha's in order to procure some eggs.

Making my way from eggs to check-out, I stumbled across the Pepsi Holiday Spice endcap display, and decided then and there, I was taking on The 2004 Jim D. Pepsi Holiday Spice Pepsi Challenge!

The League recongizes the value of scientific inquiry, and is also willing to put it on the line for his readership, and thusly, the League decided to go for it with no concern for personal safety.

I tasted the the Pepsi Holiday SPice IMMEDIATELY upon returning home. Unfortunately, my glass was SOAPY, and it distorted my impressions. SO, well after breakfast, I took up the Challenge again under a more controlled scientific environment.


The Pepsi Challenge begins

First, note that the Pepsi Holiday Spice (or PHS, as it shall henceforth be referred to) is sort of reddish. It looks a bit like other drinks, such as black cherry soda. Not red like Big Red, but not exactly cola colored, either. I guess it's Holidayish to be a ruddy red.


Jeff steps in to investigate.

So what DID Jamie's little online friends have to say about PHS? Jamie claimed it would taste like cinnamon, which, I'll be honest, wasn't much of a turn-off. Who doesn't like cinnamon?

(editor's note: Jamie is being sort of a Snooty Sally while I try to report on the FACTS, here Leaguers. She keeps telling me to change things here in my summary of events. Well, Leaguers, The League will NOT STAND FOR CENSORSHIP. Even when kicked. She says "it wasn't my little online friends; it was in a review I read somewhere!" A review of WHAT Ms. Snooty Sally? Now she's calling me a jerk. I am proud to say that intimidation does little to sway The League.)

(editor's editor's note: I am now being harassed and being told I "sit on a throne of lies". Apparently she has no online friends. Which is sad, because she has no other friends I know of.)

Anyway, I like cinnamon, and I was intrigued by Pepsi with a splash of cinnamon.

Jeff seemed to like the smell, so I gave it a shot myself.

The PHS smelled mostly like regular old Pepsi. Sort of like sweet sugar water with chemicals. What's not to like? I shook it about like a fine wine, releasing the hidden subtleties, and getting a good feeling for the bouquet.


mmmmmmmmm... smells like chemicals

Then I went ahead and went for the taste. The TRUE Pepsi Challenge.


note optimistically skeptical expression

The flavor was okay going down. Sort of soda-ish, hint of Pepsi. Hold on, let me go taste it again to get this right.

Okay. It tastes sort of like Pepsi with nutmeg and a dash of cinnamon. But that's the soda going DOWN.


shock and dismay

Immediately after passing the tongue, a new flavor arises from the residue resting upon the tongue. It's sort of a weird "I've had too much candy and now my tongue tastes like cough medicine" kind of vibe.

Alas, I have to report NOT being filled with Holiday Mirth upon drinking my PHS. I think I gave it a good shot, gave it a few samples, but without a little booze in it to add some extra "spice", I'm not really sure how excited I would be about PHS. In fact, I can say that with a hint of The Captain, PHS might be made significantly more tolerable.

Unfortunately, I had none of The Captain on hand, and thus...


adios, Christmas cheer...

I'm not really sure what to do with the 1.7 liters left. I suppose eventually I'll drink it.

We had ourselves a Ballon Festival in Chandler.

Woke up yesterday at 6:50am in order to be up when the ballons launched. Mel and I saw them when they first popped up over the fenceline. I went and woke up Jamie and watched the beginnings of the balloon race beginning from Tumbleweed Park.



Last night we went down to the park to see the balloons. Every few minutes the balloons would all light up simultaneously after a 10-count.

We saw the lit skydivers from the road as we were leaving, and watched the fireworks from over the same fenceline.

I'm thinking that balloon day will get better in coming years. This was, after all, the first time they tried it. No sign of balloons today, I might add.

Mrs. League here. Something exciting is finally happening in Chandler, Arizona. The first annual Arizona Balloon Festival is being held this weekend, not 3 miles from our house! If we go tomorrow evening, we'll be able to see over 30 lighted balloons at sunset, dudes jumping out of a plane (Flyin' Elvises!), and fireworks. Wow. My esteemed work colleague Alan hopes that all of this will happen at once, like a live version of Missle Command.

Leaguers, you have to remember that a Saturday night out on the town for Mr. and Mrs. League includes going to a niceish restaurant and a movie. I am psyched.

Recently I was bemoaning the fact via e-mail to Maxwell that I don't have bio page linked here. Not that anyone reading this page isn't already roughly familiar with my bio, but it would be a nice ego stroke to write even more about myself.

Say, said Maxwell, doesn't Blogger have a "profile" section.

And, by jiminy, it does.

So what is my personal profile?

The profile does ask those two all important questions:

About Me

and

Interests

But, what "about me"? I guess this is when I could wow folks with my amazing life story, or something astonishing which is all about me. But I have nothing.

I was born a middle-class kid and graduated from a public university. I married a wonderful girl. I now work for the state of Arizona, live in suburbs, and own a golden retriever.

Wow. Enthralling.

Interests? This is usually where profiles fall apart. People either put too much info or too little. And, invariably, this is where people try to prove how much more interesting they are than other people by listing every eclectic fancy they ever had. You'll find Henna art, interest in obscure artists nobody ever heard of, musicians whose names they found on PitchforkMedia and haven't really ever followed.

You will rarely see "I'm really into Monday Night Football and Everybody Loves Raymond. Oh, and I think NASCAR rocks. Occasionally I get so lazy I will allow myself to watch two episodes back to back of Dharma and Greg in syndication. I also have a Billy the Big Mouth Bass."

Instead, according to blogger profiles, every single blogger is a wildly free artistic soul with an amazingly exotic panoply of tastes and interests.

After that, I am defined by my media.

I note that my comments in the musical section were not published. This is what I said: I don't know anymore. I'm not foolish enough to think that because I own a lot of records in different categories that my tastes are, in any way, interesting to anyone else. Working for a mall based record shop sort of killed my belief that having a favorite music is a good idea. And who really has a favorite band after high school, anyway?

I think what I'm realizing is that I shouldn't have a bio up. And apparently Blogger doesn't think I should either, as they won't print the comments in the musical section. Maybe my disdain for bio by form and my general misnathropy is not very conducive to having a bio at all.

Anyway, I actually filled this out a while ago. I leave this for you guys to read.

Maybe I'll copy Maxwell and have folks write in and turn the whole thing into a contest.

What do you guys think?

I know this has already been circulating for a while, but...



Scientician A: What's the steering wheel for again?

Scientician B: Goddammit, Ernie, it's gotta look futuristic. It's for the Time Travel-o-scope.

Scientician A: And we have pressure gauges why?

Scientician B: To show the doo-hickeys and whatzits clackin' away. Don't you know nuthin' about nuthin'? Now go fetch me those blinking lightbulbs. We gotta fancy up this console. I still say this thing should take up most of a Woolsworth's if it's gonna be from the future.

Hardee's' decides to lighten up their menu
-Mrs. League

Mrs. League presents:
TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE

I know that this is probably a comma placement mistake and not a real toy, but I'm damn curious about the "38" Playtime Trampoline Happy, Birthday Bear".

**Update: They fixed the comma already.

Other toys on the bad list this year:
-Pocket Rocket Miniature Motorcycle
-Megabuster Battle Weapon
-Imaginarium Police Car Building Blocks
-Dress Me Paz (I'm imagining Paz as some naked doll version of Tipsy McStaggers)
-Fun Slides Carpet Skates (aren't these usually called socks?)
-Air Burst Rockets
-Parents Magazine Mirror Pound-A-Ball
-3 Gun Squad Set -- Uz-1 Commando Machine Gun

Couple of good news items to get you started...

Austinites and former Austinites... even under Chapter 11, Katz's Never Closes!

I suspect they will pay off their creditors with buckets of pickles.

Look, it's overpriced and the wait can be ridiculous, but I love Katz's. Seriously love it. It would be a shame if they shut down. Of course, Mr. Katz is all but a gangster, so I'd be curious to know where all the money from that joint went. How can you always be busy and still file Chap. 11?

Maybe popularity really fell off since I left... who knows..?

My brother on the weather in Austin last night? It's raining a little bit...

And this isn't so much news as infotainment, but it's Superman related and gets me pumped about primetime television:

Krypto the Superdog may be making an appearance on Smallville.

In addition to appearing briefly in a cameo on JLU this season, Krypto is getting his own cartoon for pre-schoolers, and he's now going to be on Smallville.

From Kryptonsite's Rumorville

Krypto in Smallville?

Here's some gossip for you, that again we're not posting on the spoilers page until there is some official confirmation.

Rumor has it that the title of episode #4-13 is "Krypto." For those of you unfamiliar with the Silver Age Superman comic books or recent stories in current continuity, Krypto is Superman's super-powered dog from Krypton. No word yet on how it will be handled on the show. But hey - we were right about the Flash and Mxyzptlk, so we'd say it's a safe bet!

Stay tuned.

So there are some really nice things about having your own little website.

One of the nice things is how it keeps you up to date with folks, and how it kind of creates a little bubble world with people orbiting around it.

Recently Maxwell was updating her bio on her blog, and I was asked to participate. Her bio is not written by Ms. Cowgirl Funk herself, but by her readership.

Anyway, as I was face-to-face with Maxwell mostly during her high school years, we ended up chatting sidebar, and I took some unexpected side trips down Memory Lane. Specifically we visited some nicer, out of the way places on Memory Lane, and then a few, dodgier holes-in-the-wall that I enjoyed, but hadn't been to in a while.

All in good fun.

I'm not in touch with too many folks from old KO anymore (although folks like Jill and Madi tend to pop up upon occasion, and its always fun). I do think its important to remember all that stuff, if, for no other reason, than to remember exactly where you came from. If you weren't that bright back then, what is 2004-you going to look like to 2015-you, Mr. Smarty-Pants?

Anyway, thanks to Maxwell for tossing some lighter fluid on the those barely glowing embers.

Another perk of being EIC of The League is that is that my readership sends me junk in the mail. GOOD JUNK in the mail, too.

Recently, Jim D. sent a crate of comics I still haven't properly sorted. And in the past two days I received some choice comics from RHPT.com and Nathan Cone, your voice of the noon-day hour on Texas Public Radio.

RHPT.com sent along several comics including this item, which is utterly fascinating.



Nathan sent along some odd artifacts located at a shop in San Antonio.


Screech: I'm even better looking in comics!
Jessie Spano: And we're all even funnier!

It's a dialog like this on the front cover that makes you think the creators were looking for a way to lash out at these juvenile delinquents after having to lose a month of their life drawing the contractually bound spin-off comic. At some point you can almsot see the editorial staff at Harvey Comics wondering aloud who put an ugly little kid like Samuel "Screech" Powers on TV. And, while lovely, wondering exactly what comedic chops Jessie Spano had shown to get a spot on the show. Funnier than on TV, indeed. Unless you count the very special episode where Jessie got hopped up on goofballs to try to handle her school load and her work with the SBTB band, Zack Attack.

Anyone remember her breakdown during "I'm So Excited!"? No? Ah, well.

The comic inside keeps to the hi-jinks of the source material, but with a greater flair than what the $10 prop budget could have afforded on SBTB. Remember when they fired Hayley Mills? And then they fired Max of The Max? Mr. Belding must have been scared s**tless he was going to lose his job. He probably condeded to take less than SAG.

What's really horrific in the comic isn't just the stoney thud of dropped gag after dropped gag. Rather, the attempts to render the SBTB gang in cartoon fashion, trying to caricature each actor, fail to capture any flattering likeness of any actor, and somehow making it clear that this was hack work as the artist fought to break into comics. There's also the possibility that the artist is at the end of his rope and can't believe he's found himself working at Harvey Comics instead of Archie, and he's maybe sick of all these damn teen-agers and their acid washed jeans.


The SBTB gang sits at their usual booth at The Max. The lovely Jessie Spano is now a deformed hag thing.

Obviously the artist was roughly familiar with the interiors used by the SBTB crew, probably from hour of reference tape or the 3 times a day the show aired in 1992 when teh comic was released. The artist actually does use the same dumb booth that was so prevalent in episode after episode of SBTB.

For a rough idea of what our SBTB friends look like, you can see them in the game below. I'll send along answers if anyone wants them. I assume you have better things to do, though.


Update: Here, Jessie Spano looks like the love child of Mask stars Cher and Rocky Dennis. AC Slater now looks like one of Roger Clinton's illegitimate children.

Nathan also sent along a Supergirl comic from 1970. I actually suspect the first story is a reprint from the late 50's, but I can't prove it. Anyway, enjoy the two panels below.


Yes, that's a talking horse. His name is Comet the Superhorse. One day I will cover Comet the Superhorse, but for now, just sit back and soak up the groovy Silver-Age vibe.


Comet the Superhorse is a) not afraid to go out like a bitch b) not afraid to leave a major pile of guilt upon the lady who brought him oats and gelded him.

And just for fun, here's The Admiral on Halloween. He poses with his 12-foot Halloween decoration and the little girl from next door. Dad was very proud of that inflatable doo-hickey. I believe the distortion on the left is Ansel Adams' (aka My Mom's) finger.


We're sending the men with the butterfly nets after the holidays. We don't want Dad's shock treatment to spoil Christmas.

For some reason, Tim Burton is remaking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Here are some pics.

SPONSOR DOUG AS HE PEDDLES HIS WAY INTO GOOD KARMA

The League is neither particularly in-shape, nor charitable. But sometimes The League gets inspired by the hard work, determination and giving of others.

As the Holidays approach, we're selecting a few key charities we think you might like to dump your money into. Unlike stocks, bonds and bacon futures, the only thing you'll get in return is a chance to help a worthy cause and possibly assist in improving the human condition. That won't buy you a speedboat, but it will make you somewhat less evil.

The League's brother-in-law is both in-shape and charitable, and has gone and volunteered himself for the AIDS/Lifecycle. Doug will be peddling 585 miles over the course of seven days in order to raise money and awareness of the AIDS epidemic.

We're fully aware at The League that our readership is good of heart, if a little cheap. But it's creeping up on Christmas and I'm feeling full of Holiday mirth, so I'm giving you cheap bastards a shot. Back at League HQ we've taken a hard look at what we're going to sponsor this year, and we think this is a great cause. We hope you'll think so as well.

To sponsor Doug on his life-saving fantastic voyage, go here.

Tonight, our world is a little poorer.

Ol' Dirty Bastard has merged with the infinite.

I am not, in any way, familiar with hip-hop. That train left the station while I was still trying to convince people it was never going to get better than The Fat Boys.

But I did work at Camelot Records at Highland Mall from 1995-1997. And one day, while sorting the rap section, I came across this album cover. And I stood in the middle of the store laughing for five minutes.

Wu-Tang is now down a man, but The Wu will go on.

My apologies if I appear to be light of blogging.

I was busy, and now I'm taking a few days off from my usual schedule and work.

I think you can get along without me.

And, hey... while I'm out... somebody solve the mystery of why Molly hasn't blogged in over a month. What's going down in the Land of the Rising Sun?

I hereby formally endorse the new Bravo program: Long Way Round. For an agoraphobe like myself, the show is quite interesting. It also makes me want to be rich and famous so I can get corporations to sponsor my epic vacation.

And, just a general announcement: I will be in Austin for Thanksgiving. I will be giving thanks at the home of Jason Steans. Hopefully he will locate a table for us to sit at before we show up.

Gobble. Gobble.

If you're going to be in Austin, let me know.

I think Randy is getting married Saturday. Everyone cross your fingers and wish the little tyke the best of luck for the ceremony to go well.

Here is Randy with some girl. Let's hope it's the Mysterious M.

Randy, if you want a secret escape plan, I've planted a car near your house. Before you sink teh car into the lake, make sure you remove the passport and driver's license with your new identity from the glove compartment. Don't worry about the body in the car. You needed a body double, and that guy was going to die soon. I think.

Either way, best of luck, RHPT, or maybe I should say, Mr. Faizul Goldstein.

Time to get lowbrow.

Do not view this clip if you are of a delicate nature.

And, yes... a quick Google search will demonstrate that this was, in fact, a legitimate children's show. No, I don't know how they got away with it. I am sure it never happened again.

Interesting stuff online last night about The Incredibles.

Apparently Bard Bird isn't the comic book geek you'd assume he'd be from both The Iron Giant and The Incredibles. In fact, he didn't even know how close he was coming to the Fantastic Four. Instead, he developed the powers based more upon character archetypes.

Dash = 10 year old boy, which means a lot of energy to run around = superspeed
Violet = shy 13 year old girl = invisibility and invisible barriers
Elastigirl = moms getting pulled in too many directions = stretchy powers
Mr. Incredible = dad + former tough guy = super strength

Interesting enough.

The "review" I enjoyed reading was the one posted by The Beat!. Heidi had an interesting POV on the movie and pitches that this movie may have a darker underlying message and than you'd pick up on at a first glance. If you wonder where she's going with this (and maybe the name of the article is enough to get you to click over) is THE INCREDIBLES: From Nietzsche to Rand.

Anyway, read the review here.

Later this week RHPT.com and The Mysterious M join in holy matrimony.

The League has been married since April 28th, 2000, so The League feels entitled to shoot his mouth off about marital bliss.

Here are some pointers for folks about to enter into wedded bliss:

1. Just because you are married does not mean you are always going to enjoy the exact same things. It just doesn't. Jamie still won't help me with my mime.

2. While lying in bed, unable to sleep, do not begin toying with a plan for the perfect murder.

3. If by merging your CD collections you now have more than one copy of an album, sell duplicate copies. In two years, people are going to raise an eyebrow at your multiple copies of "The Soul Cages", for more than one reason.

4. You've got until death to spend time together. You have my permission to go off and play putt-putt on your own without feeling guilty.

5. Tell each other when you're paying bills.

6. Don't go to McDonald's.

7. A puppy or a kitten is not a child. Do not allow your spouse to begin calling themself "mommy" or "daddy" regarding a pet. Pets are more like idiot roommates, and treating them as children is weird and creepy. If you must have something to call you "mommy" or "daddy", it's easy to accomplish and I have a Barry White album which may speed the process.

8. If you don't like a certain genre of movies, lay down the law and insist your spouse find a friend to see that genre with. (I refuse to watch romantic comedies. Jamie hates westerns.)

9. Do not make up lengthy songs about any physical feature which the other person might feel uncomfortable about (big ears, bird toes, etc...) and then sing said song to to the other person each and every morning. This will lead to divorce.

10. Try not to point out really attractive people to your significant other.

11. Ask your spouse about their opinion on your selection of clothes and then go ahead and buy the same boring crap you've been buying since high school.

12. Dressing up the cat to surprise your spouse may seem like a good idea, but it just ends up getting you injured.

13. Call your spouse at least once a day from work.

14. When your spouse says "have you seen my shoes?" always answer "no" unless you can see them at that exact moment. Do not try to remember when last you saw the missing shoes. It was never important enough for you to make a mental note and you will never remember.

15. Tell your spouse at least one item you want for Christmas, because guessing is a complete bastard.

16. Don't bring up old nonsense in an argument. That's dumb and it always just makes the situation worse.

17. Don't go to bed angry.

18. Don't have kids. They're loud, they eat all the food, use all the money and they smell like syrup.

And that's it. That's my advice. Not too exciting. I guess my point is, just because you're getting married doesn't mean you have to compromise on everything and become a boring dud. Sure, to some point nature will make you more of a boring dud, but you needn't necessarily voluntarily become a boring dud. You can still do your own thing as long as it doesn't involve bigamy or bankruptcy or both.

Happy wedding, Randy and Mysterious M. Go out there and freak out the squares.

The League Reviews: The Incredibles

I feel terrible for the cast and crew working on Fantastic Four. Really. I feel awful for those people.

The Incredibles is not only an homage to the Fantastic Four, it also directly lifts powers and characters most closely identified with Fantastic Four. And it does it well. Incredibly well. So well, in fact, that I imagine that right now the producers and directors of the FF movie are probably having a meeting at this moment, trying to figure out how to salvage their very expensive movie.

Bottom line, this isn't so much a review as a suggestion you go check this movie out.

I was a tremendous fan of The Incredibles director/ writer Brad Bird's feature film "The Iron Giant", and, dammit, I still get a little weepy whenever I watch that movie. Iron Giant (returning to DVD on November 16thish) had some nice nods to superherodom, as well as working as a 1950's "Day the Earth Stood Still" type sci-fi homage. Anyway, check it out.

The Incredibles manages to take a concept which, even five years ago, might have been done with much, much more of a wink and a nod. It would have been a family movie with super-heroing deeds with lots of silly superhero jokes making fun of the genre tossed in (Mystery Men, I am looking at you). This movie manages to be a great superhero movie, while still keeping it a family movie at the core. But, make no mistake... this is a superhero movie with some of the most imaginative uses and visualizations of superpowers ever seen on film, TV. And I think it even outstrips the budgetless world of most comic books to some degree.

Most impressive to me were Elastigirl (NOT Rita Farr, Doom Patrollers) and Dash, who, for once, made stretching powers and superspeed look GOOD. And Mr. Incredible is no slouch, himself.

The character design is excellent, and seems to hearken back to late 50's - early 60's clip art. The look of the sets is a sort of vague post-WWII USA, mixed with AIM/ Bond-Villain style headquarters. Edna Mode's house/ HQ is amazing. The backgrounds are as lifelike as any of those utilized for the Star Wars films, giving the wonder of the Incredibles using their powers all the more "wow" factor.

The story itself is largely recycled material, but material which works well to make characters resonate a bit better for the adults in the audience. Hell, one could almost say this is the Dark Knight Returns of Mr. Incredible. Similar stories have been done with the JSA, and, coincidentally, the FF gets sued every few years, just to shake things up. There's also a hyper seven year-old, a wife unsure of what her husband is up to, and a shy teen-age girl who needs to learn how to shine to pick up the boy. All familiar, but all somehow work fairly well.

But, hey... how many of you REALLY expect to see brand new stories when you go to the megaplex? If you're like me, you're looking for the method of execution of those stories, and that's where The Incredibles really catches on fire.

I'd also say, if Disney and even Dreamworks want to learn something from the success of this movie, here's my recommendation. Note how may writers and directors were responsible for this movie. Even if it's not entirely true, Brad Bird is listed as THE writer and director of this movie, not a list of writers as long as your arm. This movie wasn't written by a committee, nor was it created by polling focus groups or trying to create characters which emulate "X-TREME!!!!" characters from soda commercials as Disney has been trying to do since Tarzan.

The story isn't 80 minutes, a length believed by Disney Execs to be the duration a kid can sit through a movie (and given how I felt about the last few Disney flicks, the length I wanted to sit through it). There are no cheesey musical numbers, there are no wise-cracking anthropomorphic side-kicks, there is no attempt at Robin Williams-style rapid fire delivery. However the heck they got this flick past the suits, they got it past the suits without that kind of repetitive fluff being tucked in, and that alone is worthy of praise.

Anyway, enough.

Is it obvious I enjoyed the movie?

I'd love to see it again a few times before it's condensed down to fitting on my TV.

Some other things I liked, a quick list.

1) The Edith Head of super hero costuming
2) Vehicle design was really inspired
3) Background design in all areas incredibly well thought out. Wait for Edna Mode's "living room"
4) Voice casting is perfect. Holly Hunter as Elastigirl, Craig T. Nelson as Mr. Incredible, Sarah Vowell (inspired, that) as Violet, and Elizabeth Pena as Mirage.
5) Not shying away from real action

Anyway, cool movie. Go check it out.

Oh, and the opening short, "Boundin'" was great. And it looked like they used North Phoenix for reference.

My only real complaint? I quit watching the UT/OSU game half-way thru to catch dinner and the movie. I left at half-time believing UT was going to get stomped. Ugh. Apparently I missed the best game all season. 49 unanswered points, was it? So unfair.

So, here I was thinking I had nothing to mention and today would be met with a news article or two, but voila! Star Wars.

As is well documented, The League was once a huge proponent of the Star Wars franchise. Star Wars wallpaper, Star Wars bedding, Star Wars figures lining the floor. Jamie was a bit irritated with the figures on the floor, so I started keeping them straightened on a shelf.

Star Wars was our mythology as kids. It surpassed Superfriends and Tron by a lightyear. This was the stuff we went to bed thinking about, and ran around the woods behind our house play-acting (eternal thanks to me mum, who got me an official Stormtrooper pistol for Christmas when I was 8. Best. Present. Ever.).

And it’s well documented how I saw Phantom Menace in the theater 5 times. And, sort of against my will, saw Attack of the Clones 4 times in two weeks (seeing both the opening night midnight show, and the next morning’s 9:00 am show, after which I went to work and stared mindlessly at my monitor for four hours before going home and collapsing. Thanks, Dan).

And it’s hip to say these movies suck. Because, you know what? These movie have a lot problems. They have an enormous "wow" factor, but they also have a lot of issues that adults are much more keenly aware of than kids. But maybe that’s why these movies work so well as trailers. The trailers are always amazing, culling the best parts out of context, and making you really believe that these movies are somehow going to save Western Culture, and getting you juiced up for a monumental letdown.

It’s tough to say the stories are incoherent, because that’s not really accurate. And it’s easy to say the acting is wooden, because it mostly is. The plot does suffer from a lack of expediency and occasional lapses of logic. And all too often, things occur because it would look cool, rather than because it’s a good idea or really follows internal logic.

But here’s why I'm posting on this at all, and it’s going to sound a lot like what I said about Sky Captain:

I want these movies.

Sure, I made an off the cuff comment yesterday about it being “more of the same”, which, arguably, it is. My first reaction was "oh, great. Another trailer which looks phenomenenal, but which is better than the actual film."

But more of this “same” is Star Wars “the same.” This is space opera envisioned on a scale most mortal minds can’t possibly begin to plot out and construct. Most writers and directors would NEVER try to tell a story so massive in scope, movie after movie. They would flat out tell you it was impossible to manage so many characters and so many character threads working through so many plotlines. Let alone, keeping a tangible backstory, introducing new cultures, creatures, and ideas with every change of scene. And maybe, maybe they’d be right.

I WASN'T nuts about Episode II, although I thought it was beautiful to look at, and had cool stuff. I almost got the feeling that this was the paperwork being done to set the stage for the upcoming movie. Does the new trailer look cool? Maybe, but I've lost objectivity, and I'm in a "won't get fooled again" mode. Episode II had things I loved (Slave 1 in the asteroid belt), but it had a lot of business going on that just felt like plot lines being distended.

In order to get his stories told with any efficiency, Lucas is painting with a broad brush, and I think that, more than occasionally, it leads to some missteps. I don’t particularly believe in the romantic character curve for Anakin and Padme (a case where less might have been more). I don’t particularly believe in Anakin’s curve as he becomes eeeevil (he seems like he was doing pretty much okay until his mom got whacked). But, we have another 2.5 hours of the story coming in the final installment, and a chance to tie up the threads. I can hold out hope that the character moments I’ve been longing for may yet materialize.

Since 1977 studios have been spending a lot of money trying to get another movie to capture the imagination of the public the way Star Wars did. They've been trying for the formula a million different ways, but, ultimately, it never works out. Instead, the terrain is littered with clunkers like "Last Starfighter", "Battle Beyond the Stars", "The Black Hole" and dozens of others. Until Lord of the Rings (a commodity proven a hundred times over before the latest screen adaptation) nothing else managed to place huge audiences in a world completely foreign to our own, but so easily understandable.

Short of Jack Kirby and Tolkein, I can’t think of anyone who has stepped up to the plate and even TRIED to tell a story with such wild ideas, and crazy imagination firing on all six cylinders. (A note: I thought about this after publishing, and there are countless sci-fi and fantasy novels which have done this. I'm being unfair. I could discredit the fantasy genre as just lifting from Tolkein, but that's cheesy and not true. And sci-fi continues to expand it's definition while telling sprawling, effective stories. I just really like Jack Kirby, so I'll plug him wherever I can. Don't get me started on TV epics and their need to feed the beast which led to the whimpering death of X-Files.)

Only Tolkein managed to cross-cut two or more major battle scenes at a time to create a climax this successfully (and, now, by extension, Peter Jackson). I mean, Sweet Christmas… from a technical and storytelling perspective, I can’t really think of anything more complicated than that.

The trailer gives us two warring Star Destroyers blasting away at one another in low-orbit? Droids flitting about on the surface of a volcanic planet? Tiny green space samurai getting serious?

If you told me the details of the trailer for Revenge of the Sith, and never tossed “Star Wars” into the sentence, I would be wondering where I could sign up to see this paean to sci-fi cool. I mean, throw in a monkey, and you’ve officially surpassed my criteria for paying to see a movie in the theater. What? You say there’s an army of monkey-people? I gladly surrender my eight dollars, sir.

I'm giving it a shot. Maybe not opening night this time around, but I'm giving it a shot. And I will say parts of the trailer DO look cool, but I'm not going to not be skeptical. At the end of the day, it's not just the elements which tell a story, it's how they're interwoven. This can be the coolest shoddy movie ever, or it can seal the deal as the Star Wars saga truly earning it's much hyped reputation.

Star Wars Episode 3?

Here's a trailer.

Yup, more of the same.

When people don't know Roman history...

thanks to Jamie for the link

If it weren't so badly sculpted and kind of creepy looking, I think this would be a fun novelty for that whimsical Republican in your family.

Here's Super-Action-Hero W.

I always told Jamie that when I die, I'm going to haunt her.

Well, now I've found something ten times more annoying than haunting her.

According to this article, Phoenix is now home to a company called Preserve A Life.

What does this company do? It allows you to stuff your dead relatives and keep them around the house.

This is so awesome, I'm totally at a loss for any good commentary.

Alas, this is a Halloween joke from the Phoenix New Times. Anyway, I hope it is a joke.

Here is the story (which seems like an exceptionally long article for a hoax).

And here's a web link.

Ehhh... Even if it were real, I'd probably still choose just to haunt Jamie. But there is a certain appeal to taking up couch space in the afterlife.

A little comic reading advice for you:

We3 by Grant Morrison.

Synopsis

Here is a PDF of some preview pages.

A preview to view, if you have broadband.

I guess Kerry conceded.

Quitter.

Where's my recount and lawsuits?

My sweater still smells funny, but I think it's because it's made of wool. I always think my sweaters smell funny. Yet I still wear them.

And, yes. It is actually cold enough in the mornings here to wear a sweater. I will change shirts here shortly as I may be outside for part of the afternoon.

My contacts also feel very dry today, so I've been doing this thing where I open my eyes very wide and then close them very tight, hopign to generate some extra moisture. It's not working.

I am very, very tired today.

I guess Bush'll probably win.

Not much else to say about that.

The sweater I am wearing smells funny, but I can't identify the smell.

A little election time blogging.

Sooooooo.......... Who you votin' for?

Just kidding. It's Presidential Election Day here in the USofA. I hope you aren't reading this unless you already got up, combed your hair and moseyed down to your polling place. If you already voted, good for you. if you didn't, well... why are you reading this? Get off your bum and go vote. NOW!!!

I don't know that this is the most important election of my lifetime. I think that will come into play in 2056 when we must vote for George Bush the 5th or Zilwork Blurgg of the Crab Nebula (I am sure his/her story of being the child of immigrant aliens and his/her 450 fellow nestlings growing up in poverty in New Kentucky will be very moving).

In short, I just looked at my practice ballot, and this election is stupid. There's only one party with any power in Arizona, and thusly, only one candidate with a chance for winning. I mean, I'm going to vote because I can and because I'm glad we're not all prisoner of the whims of, say... Barbara Streisand, but, you know... as those who know better would have it, I am so far outside the mainstream that I am out of touch with middle-America. That's fine. Middle-America and I don't always see eye-to-eye (I still don't love Raymond). It just kind of makes voting in elections out here a sort of fruitless effort.

Out of 14 total partisan races going down, 5 of them have a Dem running, 4 of them have a Libertarian, and 7 are either an unopposed Republican running or two Republicans running against only each other(1). But anything can happen. We do have a Democrat in the Capital as governor, so it's a crazy world.

I also thought I'd mention that we don't vote FOR judges, we vote against them. There are no NEW judges on the ballot, just fifty (50) items which read like this:

Shall Tipsy McStagger, Judge of Superior Court Division Y be retained in office? Yes? No?

I think this is one of those areas where I'm going to have to plead ignorance, because no matter how much I cram tonight with my little newsprint booklet, there is no way I'm going to know enough to make an informed decision here. And by the time I do know enough about how any of these judges operate, I assume I will be in jail and be unable to vote, anyway.

I assume judges are appointed and then fired by the populace out here. Which, you know, has a sort of poetic-justice mob-mentality charm I can groove on.

I probably should read up on who the two candidates are who dare to run against McCain for Senator here in AZ, but it's kind of like learning the starting line-up of the Washington Generals.

All in all, I project that I'll spend about five minutes in the ballot box.

Broken down, it will look like this:

10 seconds voting for POTUS
3 minutes voting on Propositions
1 minute writing my own name in on all other elections
50 seconds standing in my booth weeping with joy that this f**king ridiculous circus of an election is over and that either Ass-Clown #1 or Ass-Clown #2 will take office and hopefully not get me killed or rob me blind or let the rest of America get killed or robbed blind. I think that's a pretty low set of expectations I've placed on Ass-Clowns #1 and #2. I'm pretty sure they're both up to the job.

While I'm at it, I'd like Ass-Clowns #1 & #2 to also try not to do so much shameful nonsense during their terms in office that what they wind-up most famous for are the series of untruths to which they committed themselves. I'd like for Ass-Clowns #1& #2 to TRY to occasionally remember that not all of us love what Ass-Clown #1 or #2 wants to do with the world, and that we don't all work for them.

And, hey... every once in a while, we'd like to not feel completely ashamed of the decisions our Ass-Clown in Chief has made, and that every single moment of every day shouldn't be about covering your own ass. If you're doing the job right, it doesn't have to be.

And, I'd like Ass-Clown #1 & #2 to remember that we, as a nation, make a ton of babies. Seriously. Everybody I know is dropping a baby. And that... maybe... Maybe President Ass-Clown should know that what they do today and tomorrow is going to seriously jack with little Arden, little Isaac, and even little Nathan Jr. The shaking the babies and kissing hands bit doesn't have anything to do with what you're going to do when the chips are down.

Let me share a secret with you, Mr.'s Ass-Clown #1 & #2...

History is going to judge you.

Really.

No matter what you do today for whatever reason, history is going to be different from the spinning of media and the lobbing of sound bites. It's going to wait and see what happens, and then it will make up its mind whether or not you dropped the ball. Sure, there'll still be pundits in all sorts of camps, but the connect-the-dots picture is going to be hard to argue. History will have nothing better to do for a few hundred years after you croak than to pry open your coffin and dig through your sock drawer for the juicy bits. All those lawyers and press secretaries and secret service guys and whatever else you're up to... it's hard to maintain when you're pushing up daisies and trying to keep the centipedes off your nose.

Hindsight is 20/20. By what shakes out, by what happens eventually, that's how you'll be remembered. Nobody ever went into the White House with anything but the best of intentions. Nobody ever went in trying to leave the country weaker or poorer. Nobody ever went in wanting to leave the place worse off than when they arrived. History won't care what you said, but it will care what happened under your watch. It won't care about platitudes or espoused ideology, but it will care where we were four years after you started.

Now, why did you want that job again?

So, Loyal Leaguer Madi H. has hit us up with a proposal and a dilemma. Leaguers, it sounds like the League is finally going to do what it set out to do: Answer the questions which plague you.

- = ?

Madi's request came in this'a'way.

I want to post a poll on your blog. Specifically I would like any opinions on the following scenario: If a guy asks a woman out and does not pay, should she never go with him again, or give him another chance?

My brother, who is a notoriously cheap bastard, had this to say:

She should ditch him. He is either:

a) rude
b) clueless

Either one is not a good sign.

And I'm prone to agree! But, I recall a conversation I had with some co-ed classmates of mine in college who stated that: if a guy tried to pay, he was insinuating some control over the relationship already, and they would immediately ditch the poor sucker.

I pointed out that they were probably missing out on a lot of decent guys who feel it is polite to pay for someone else's good time when you request their company.

So, what is it, Leaguers? Pay, no pay? Should Madi forego love because the guy is a miser? What if he's just too progressive for his own good? What if he realized all too late he only had a 10-spot on him?

Having been with Mrs. League for the better part of a decade, I have no idea what the rules of dating are these days, and I certainly can't speak on how to maneuver out there in the post-college world. But I watch a lot of TV, and I think I know how these things work.

Anyway, pipe up and help a Leaguer out. Tell Madi what you think.

ROAR!!!


Bearing the same dazed expression Jill wore through high school, Arden Hermann-Wilmarth roars his way into Halloween.

Halloween Report:

Hello all.

I was Fat Green Lantern for Halloween. Upon reviewing photos of myself for this year's costume, next year I will stick with fat Elvis or Fat Albert or Fatty McFatterson. Or, the wife of Jack Sprat.

Anyway, here are some nice photos.



Jamie carved a delightful Kitty Pumpkin. Little girls were especially fond of this one.


I carved this pumpkin. It ended up looking like Stan's clone go wrong from the first season of South Park. It's a happy coincidence and I'm proud of my mutant creation.


Here is a rough idea of what our house looked like. We were going to sit on a beach towel, but this turned out to be a real hassle as kids kept expecting for us to get up to give them candy.


Here is Jamie in her bee costume. She takes a nice picture, that bee does.


Here is a pic of your blogger (who has never before published his own photo to the site, I might add), hanging with Mel. I am the one with the power ring.

I am happy to say we had dozens of visitors, all of whom were very sweet. We had one Superman, one Batman, about five Spider-Mans and a herd of ninjas, ghouls, witches, and Britney Federlines. Also, I am delighted to say many, many people identified me as GL, both parents and kids alike. I think the lady across the street thought I was sporting some demonic symbol until I told her I was "one of the Superfriends".

Hope you all had a Happy Halloween.

Now, it's Turkey Time.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!