Godspeed, Mr. Knotts. You will be missed.

Don Knotts has merged with the infinite at the age of 81.

The 2006 Mellies: Rules and Guidelines

All right, Leaguers. Thanks to overwhelming support in favor of another round of official League of Melbotis Awards (aka: The Mellies), we're going to give this a shot.

What the hell is a Mellie?

The Mellies are a celebration of the readership of The League of Melbotis. We ask you, the Leaguer, to give us some feedback not just on the super awesome content you can find here regularly at The League of Melbotis, but also we have some questions for you about this amazing world around us.

Here are some questions from a previous go-round.

Here are responses from day one, and day two and day three.

Now, some guidelines.

1) Try to answer all of the questions. The more answers we have, the more fun this will be.
2) All answers will be reprinted.
3) Thus, try to keep your responses down to a sentence or two. I don't want this turning into War and Peace. That said, a "why" is usually going to be key to your response.
4) I will also, of course, list all answers, and then make a special note of the answer that wins the 2006 Mellie. This may or may not be preceeded by a comment from The League as to why the comment took the coveted award. The League will probably also chime in with his own answer.
5) All entrants should submit answers to: melbotis_steans at yahoo dot com
6) I'm considering sending a special "thank you" to all entrants who also include their street address. So, you know, include your street address.
7) Keep it clean unless really, really funny
8) Entries will be accepted for the next month


And now, your nominating categories for the 2006 Mellies!

League of Melbotis categories

a) Why does the League obsess about _____?
b) The League needs to cover _______
c) In the future, The League should not ________
d) You should really add this blog to your blogroll


And now, on to the rest...

1) The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane
2) Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)
3) Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song
4) You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)
5) It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away
6) You know what was the most amazing day this year?
7) You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)
8) God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful
9) I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?
10) If I had a time machine with a single use, and my time travelling would not be filled with all sorts of crazy logic problems, I would go back to fix this one thing this year
--in my personal life
--on a more macrocosmic level
11) Best item at Burger King
12) If I could force you to read but one book, it would be
13) I'm no astrologist, but I love the planets. If I could dedicate myself to studying but one planet, it would be
14) I am most like the following Hanna Barbera cartoon character


That's it! Send in your submissions, and we'll be getting back to you guys on this late in March.

beep***beep***beep***beep***beep

SPECIAL MID-DAY GORILLA RELATED BULLETIN!

The History Channel will be broadcasting a show tonight about a gigantic gorilla which lived millions of years ago in Asia somewhere. The gorilla is commonly known as Giganto. Which is awesome.

Set your DVR's, Leaguers.

Go here for more.

we now return you to your usual, non-gorilla related day.

Huh

Who is Nancy Grace, why is she crazy and why is she allowed to go on Headline News and rant like a pedantic maniac every night for an hour?

And did I just dream it yesterday, or was CNN.com running a story on some pastor in the SouthEast who was going to military funerals and protesting them? I swear I read a very complicated story on CNN.com about bikers going to military funerals to shield the families from these folks. The craziest part of the whole thing was that this minister believed that the reason the US was embroiled in the current conflict in Iraq (and possibly Afghanistan) was because the US "harbors" homosexuals, and God was punishing the U.S.

Today I couldn't find a trace of the story, which literally is making me wonder whether I dreamed the story last night. Am I nuts? Wasn't it there? There are items about Lindsay Lohan and shit in the headlines on CNN.com and I can't find THIS story? I distinctly remember making a note in my head that I wanted to blog on the topic, specifically that this pastor had not just made the statements, but somehow found a very active flock... and today... Wha-?

I swear I must have just made the whole story up in my crazy head.

Oh, wait, no, here it is...

God Bless America

the 2006 Mellies

God knows why, but for some reason this week RHPT and Jim D started asking me this week "Whatever happened to the Mellies?"

For those of you coming in late to the game, The League used to have lots of contests and stuff. I'd pose a question or group of questions, usually with a set of rules, and then I invited Loyal Leaguers to send in responses. We've had two or three Halloween contests, Holiday contests, one or two goes at The Mellies (a sort of all around awards) and a few other things.

I dunno. I guess at some point people quit sending in responses, so I sort of lost interest. In fact, ironically, I recall Randy pitching a fit when I asked why he hadn't participated in one of my last contests. And then my Halloween contest this year received exactly zero responses. So, anyway, that's that.

I do get comments, so I guess that's sort of made me feel that The League is plenty interactive. But even that's been a bit of a wild ride. Once you add a comments section to your blog, you really change the dynamic of the whole enterprise. There's a lot more give and take. Instant feedback lets you know what people are interested in (in my case, for some reason, everyone's always interested in my days as a high-school loser and my lack of success in various minimum wage jobs. Nobody cares about comics, that's why you don't see anymore about that here, despite the original intention of this site to be comics and pop-culture stuff).

Bottom line: Feedback makes you want to blog. When you get no comments for a while, you REALLY start to lose interest.

The biggest downside is having to police the comments section when people are feeling cranky or decide to pick a fight. I've lost some good Loyal Leaguers after tiffs in the comments section. Now, I can't say that the odd comment is what has driven their departure for sure, but, yes, a few people disappeared forever and ever once myself or someone else has disagreed with them in the the ol' comments. And that's sad, because The League is really intended to be a happy place.

I have also had the unpleasant task of occasionally removing a comment I felt was inappropriate, which I REALLY didn't want to ever have to do. I know it makes me a Nazi, but I also sometimes just don't want to deal with the headaches that I can guess are going to spiral out of the comment, not to mention private e-mails, blah blah blah. I'm always going to leave up political opinions, and I even left up one comment which gave away the ending of a movie four days into that movie's release. But if you're going to time something badly which may be hurtful to someone else, or that you've just gone a little bluer than I would normally do in front of, say, my mom, you might see the comment evaporate.

In general, I will alert the party whose comment has been taken down and then e-mail them privately as to why I took the comment down. It sucks, Leaguers. I'd love to let you all dig your own graves here, but I gotta maintain some stability.

Just FYI: There's also some folks who lurk around the League whom many of the more vocal Loyal Leaguers forget are there. My parents, my in-laws, my uncle, Jim D's mother... Lots of folks who may or may not want to hear some of the more choice stuff that might pop up on this blog if none of these people ever became aware of this site. But there it is, so we're on good behavior here.

So do I want to run the 2006 Mellies? Sure. Will I?

Well, you know Leaguers, there's a bit of work involved in all this. If I were going to do this, I'd like to know if anyone but RHPT and Jim D. were going to pop up with their responses.

So, that's your cue, team...

Bananaphone

Dictionary definition

Video 1

Video 2 - warning, may cause migraines

Video 3

Spoken Word

Lyrics to Bananaphone

About Bananaphone

Buy Bananaphone

Buy an authentic Bananaphone

Note that the bedding is only available for single beds. How sad.

Greetings from Oval LeagueMelbotiso

Another fine weekend, Leaguers. Not much to report.

We went to La Stalla here in Historic Downtown Chandler. I always like La Stalla. As much as I'm a fan of Primo's swingin' strip mall/ senior citizen hang-out atmosphere, La Stalla has a nice interior and the food is a little bit more, shall we say, upscale. That, and Evan the waiter (who we've now had twice) is one of those waiters who seems REALLY into his job. Like, when you say, "Maybe I'll have a glass of wine..." and Evan knows what you should have and will hear no argument. Sometimes I need that in order to quit guessing.

Here's a tip from the couple who is now doing their 10th Valentine's Day together: There's Valentine's Day, and then there's Valentine's Day Observed. Going out on actual Valentine's Day is for suckers who like to stand around for lengthy periods waiting for a table, and then get rushed through the meal so the next couple can sit down. Bleah.

We try to go before or after Valentine's Day, and just do the candy and whatnot on Real Valentine's Day.

Uh, what else... we've been trying to entertain Lucy and Melbotis a lot this weekend. And we bought a magazine called "Training your Labrador Retriever", which, if anyone has visited recently, will agree was a necessary purchase.

I'm still watching some Olympics. I like this Ice Dancing business. The women are much better looking than in normal couples' skate. Also, they're showing some speed skating which I'm enjoying with these shorter races. The speed skaters have the coolest looking legs, like they could kick over a Kia, if need be.

I like this dude who won the races last night, Shani Davis. He gave Melissa Stark the best interview, ever. "Shani, you're a black man who just won a medal. How does it feel to be a black man?" "Stick it in your ear, Melissa." Also, is it just me, or does the Chad Hedrick/ Shani Davis dispute seem completely blown out of proportion and/ or fabricated?

Hey, this Russian dame has on the best outfit ever. Well, huh... She's pretty good looking, anyway. He looks like a villain.

I have been summoned by the wife. Ya'll are on your own.

Cowgirl Funk is having the best week ever.


So longtime Loyal Leaguer Maxwell of Cowgirl Funk has had herself an interesting week. Go check out her blog to see her visit to the White House with the mighty UT Longhorns and Dubya himself.

Read here.

And to learn how this came to be, and to see Maxwell getting personal with the Presidential pets, read her hubby's blog here.

The League identifies a non-dumb Winter Olympic/ X-TREME sport

You know what's really dull after two contestants have gone through? The snowboarding half-pipe. You know what's even more dull? Skiing. Anything but that tricky obstacle course skiing is as much fun as regression analysis.

Tonight, between figure skaters, NBC featured a sport I'd never even heard of before: Snowboard Cross.

It's like a BMX race on the snow using snowboards. No endless critique of technique, no silly outfits, just four dudes at a time hurtling down a carved out path in a mountain trying to beat each other to the end of the track. Yeah, there's strategy and skill, but there are also a lot of wipe-outs and knuckle-biting moments.

Of course, since we made up this sport in the US (like all X-Treme sports), we won the Gold, but BARELY, Leaguers. And it was fun to watch.

read more here

RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES

So you're probably wondering what The League thinks about two of the big stories of the day. What? No?

No, I'm not touching the further adventures of the Abu Ghraib scandal with a ten foot pole. That's prime Steanso territory, and I'd hate to steal his thunder.


Cartoon Riot

Harms has the best posts on this I've read so far here

The League didn't say much early on because The League was not really wanting to get into a flame war with some angry person he does not know from a far off land. Like Beaumont.

Honestly, the cartoonists probably made a miscalculation when they forgot that depictions of the prophet Mohammed are forbidden in Islam. Or maybe they did know and they felt like poking the tiger with a stick probably figuring nobody pays any attention to Denmark, anyway (it's always the quiet ones). Who knows? But that's about as far as I'll go in defending what's now, what?, two weeks' worth of damage to life, limb and property across the whole of the Middle East.

Whenever I get blue about something that may happen in the U.S. of A., all it takes is a few seconds of international TV to remind me that we've got it pretty good with our whole semi-protected freedom of press dealy-o.

Freedom of press and speech doesn't mean (as Jim D. once wisely pointed out to me) that you are free from repercussions for saying what you like or printing anything which comes to mind. Part of this freedom of the press bit that is interesting is that we often ALSO have people calling for heads in our country. But I like to think the cumulative effect in Western Culture is that we acknowledge that people can say and print what they like, and we hope that things sort of even out with printed and spoken counter-points. IE: We don't feel the need to arm grannies with AK-47's and parade through the streets whenever someone prints something we don't like (I always love grannies with machine guns).

I assume it's not the cartoons themselves which are sparking the rioting. I assume this is really about the frustration with the West that has been building since World War II. And while I may not agree with US policy at every turn in regards to the Middle East, this is one place where the West, in general, should stand firm. As upset as the rioters may feel towards the strips, if we hold freedom of the expression as sacred as we claim we do, I'd like to see someone, somewhere explain in print why the West tends to shrug these things off.

The quandry for Western editors is clearly whether or not they should paint a big, red target on their employees by reprinting the cartoons. One of the great ironies of the story is that in two weeks, I still haven't seen the strips, and I'm a fairly avid consumer of news. This lack of action leads me to believe that editors are being extremely careful, perhaps overcautious, in their decision making.

All of this, of course, should be a cautionary tale to Westerners who take their freedoms for granted and who passively poo-poo censorship but feel the fight is already won. Obviously American media feels the need to censor the images, or we would have all been overwhelmed with Danish cartoons.

Is it waving the strips in the face of the Muslim world to rebroadcast, reprint or redistribute strips which are 6 months old? That seems to be a key complaint of the rioters. But is the rest of the world beholden to their belief anymore than I should be hemmed in by a Catholic's decison not to eat meat on Friday, Jamie's devotion to the Flying Spaghetti Monster or Steanso's belief in the divination of the Doug Henning?

I'm fascinated by, and I'm sure Scott McCloud would have a book's worth to say on the topic of, the power of the iconography here. It's worth considering how words and pictures have melded to have meaning beyond simple ink lines. Clearly there's a hell of a lot more going on here externally, but it would be an interesting case studyto see the cartoons themselves to understand the power of an icon which is, by law, not supposed to be portrayed in any way.

For more on these sorts of ideas, I recommend McCloud's "Understanding Comics".

Heidi has identified some interesting fallout. Apparently, in the face of the state-sponsored Iranian "Holocaust Funnies" contest, an Israeli comix company has decided to pitch their own Israeli Anti-Semitic Cartoon Contest.

Leaguers, you can't make this stuff up.



With Friends Like Cheney

Nor can you make THIS stuff up.

I've never been shot in the face with birdshot, but I reckon it hurts like a bastard. While I may see Dick Cheney as a chairless Old Man Potter, you gotta feel a little bad for both parties when someone unintentionally shoots their pal.

As an avid eater of meat, I'm not against hunting because I think it's a wretched pursuit. The League is against hunting because it's boring.

The League values it's time and considers sitting in a box in the freezing cold at 5:00 am in December to be sort of stupid. Especially since the only way you can guarantee a deer is to bait the deer all season long and then shoot it on the one day you get your fat ass out of bed and remember to load your gun with the telescopic scope. To us, this is the equivalent of showing up at Fatburger one day and the clerk shooting a hole in your neck. I don't think I consider that a "sport". (Don't worry, I don't think lots of things are sports).

Quail hunting seems to consist of scaring birds into flight and then blasting a wide enough patch of sky that you manage to actually hit something. I assume you use this method because you're too lousy to do it with a .22 or something that requires skill. Honestly, to me, I fail to see the difference between using a shotgun or tossing a net over the birds and then hitting them with a shovel.

I was sick with the flu when the story broke about the Veep's mishap, and thus I more or less slept through the first 24 hour news cycle. The press seems to feel there's some hint of a cover-up going on, but it seems more like a mish-mash of bad information from a press corp that can't get a story straight unless they're working in 5 second sound bites.

Cheney took it on the chin and took full responsibility for what happened. Sort of. He also received a $7 citation, which seems like not much punishment.

I'm guessing no charges will be pressed, and I don't pretend to understand the law enough to know what the usual route for this sort of accident would be. I know that: had the guy died, they have a term called "manslaughter" that has some harsh consequences in Tejas. Again, honestly, I don't know the law, and I'm not looking to see the Veep go up the river on this one.

And, of course, things are always less funny when you shoot someone in the head and chest.

A few quick items:

1) For some odd reason, Jim D. wants to start a book club. For some entirely odder reason, he wants me to lead said club. I just need to ask: how many of the rest of you poor souls have me confused with an avid reader?

2) I am feeling better. I've been at work the past two days.

3) Things went south with that thing I was hoping for. C'est la vie.

4) Valentine's Day was okay. I worked late.

5) I've been thanklessly pitching DC Comics to the world at large over at Nanostalgia.com. There are also conversations on many other pop-culture related topics ongoing.

6) My favorite cancelled series, Action, is coming to DVD.

7) I am already sick of the Olympics. Tonight I ran Lucy and watched stuff off the DVR instead of watching people fly down a hill. I have no idea what I'm looking at anymore. I can't cheer for a guy named "Joey Cheeks". I'm from Texas. Snow sports make as much sense to me as cricket.

8) Mel is a good boy.

Olympic Review

So here we are in day 18 or something of the Olympics. So far here's what I've learned:

• People like to say "Bode"
• The Chinese can take a hit to the knee and still keep going
• While snowboarding has now been legitimized as a sport, the expert commentators still sound like a bunch of morons
• The Russian figure skater I remember from 2002 must not have made the Olympics in 2006
• Curling is exactly as boring as you would assume it might be
• According to commentator Dick Button, no one is a good enough skater to grace our television screens
• If you can choreograph a 5th grade pageant, you can get a shot at the Olympic opening ceremonies
• People really like to say "The Flying Tomato"
• Male figure skaters should never try to be "tough" in their routines
• There's nothing to make you feel guilty like getting really excited because somebody got knocked out participating in the luge
• Replacing all the players on a hockey team with women somehow still doesn't make me interested in hockey
• Oh, how I hate that Plushenko

Well, that's it for the lessons so far. Lucy is now licking the computer which tells me it's time to knock it off.

This guy in the 007 outfit is awful. I can't believe I know the difference.

Oh, an extra special lesson: Young prosecutors are like sexy, holy angels. This must include Steanso, who is, apparently 4 years older than the avergae prosecutor. Does Steanso lack CONVICTION?

There's a big Comic Convention going on.

Here's a picture from the upcoming relaunch of Justice League America.

From RHPT.com

A very special Star Wars Valentine's Day hyperlink.

Go here.

be forewarned: Some of these are not PG.

SICK!

The League is sick. Woe is me.

Hopefully we'll be back in our usual, chipper form in a day or two.

The Olympic Opening Ceremonies

Why am I watching this? It's 10:30 Mountain Time, I started watching around 6:30, and I have yet to think any of this is a very good idea.

At what point did the Olympic Opening Ceremonies become...

Oh, @#$%. It's Yoko Ono. Seriously. That woman makes me want to turn against peace. In fact, Yoko One makes me want to throw bricks at all shortish widows of former Beatles. She really knows how to milk John's legacy, doesn't she?

Okay, back to my point (I'm ignoring Peter Gabriel and his floating piano stand). When did the Olympic Ceremonies become a jumbo discount Cirque du Soleil? If you went from the bizarro ceremonies at the Olympics, you'd think that all people cared about in the host country was ancient history, ugly clothes and modern dance. Where the @#$% do they find all the acrobats, dippy dancers and silly costumers for these things? I'm sure most of Italy is watching this and is collectively slapping their forehead.

My theory: The wealthy backers of the Olympics bring the Olympics to town for the sole purpose of employing their underachieving children who got a useless degree and are now living in the basement waiting for their "big break".

I guess people pay to see stuff like this all the time. After all, people pay to see Cirque and all that stuff. There's something to watching people dressed in tights zip about that really appeals to upper middle class folks in search of culture.

Oh, here comes the torch. Flame on!

Passing thought: Why do the Americans use a Canadian company to make their winter gear for the ceremonies? Those outfits are dumb.

This torch thing is taking a while. Did you see Sophia Loren? She looks like she's slowly turning into gold. Why was Susan Sarandon there? I like Susan Sarandon, but, what was that..?

Whoa. the Olympic Flame looks like it should have Sauron's eye looking out of it. It's creepy.

Ah, well. No Katie Couric to ruin it all for me like she did the Summer Olympics. And every other thing she's ever managed to worm her way into. Just Costas and Brian Williams giving us the play-by-play of which country hates which other country as they entered the arena. Never thought you'd those Danish athletes looking over their shoulder, did you?

Well, now I have to sit through a lot of figure skating. The hardest part about that is not making comments upon what a fine figure some of the lady skaters make.

Oh, f'ing sweet. It's f'ing Pavarotti. Whoa. Dude, I can tell you're using "Just for Men". Wow, he's good. This is the first thing that's impressed me yet.

I guess I'll watch the luge. I like anything involving hurtling down a hill at very dangerous speeds with a high chance of a bone shattering wipe-out.

Pavarotti is wearing an f'ing cape. He's a total ruler. Man, that guy rocks the house.

That torch is totally freaking me out. Who was that? She was cute. I'm going to find out she's 15 and get in trouble.

Fireworks! SHAZAM!

Wow, that's way better than the fireworks in Chandler.

Young prosecutors, real consequences, only one thing counts... CONVICTION.

You know, when Steanso was a young defense attorney, I seem to recall him saying that was exactly the problem. Oh, well. He totally sold out and works for the system now. Way to become a tool of The Man.

Who the hell is Mary Carillo? She has a nice, tenor voice.

Anyway, I don't use the word "fruity" lightly, because I usually don't like the connotation. But, Leaguers, these Olympic openings seem to get fruitier and fruitier. Just watching the montage here at the end is making me realize that I will never get back the last four hours of my life. I am hard pressed to believe that if the show that I just watched wasn't tied to the Olympics that a single person would have watched it from beginning to end.

I also am totally baffled by the Bode Miller deal. He just doesn't interview well. What's the story here? He's a 20-something that drinks on the weekend? Stop the @#$%ing presses! Why are people turning on this guy? He's the first person I've liked in the olympics who wasn't a Russian female figure skater. He also keeps telling the press he doesn't care for them. Well, they LOVE that, Bode. Ah, well. I still have no idea what his sport is.

Ah, well. I just want to give a final salute to the guys who intentionally set their heads on fire and skated around the arena. That's dedication, Leaguers.

And an extra shout out to the poor balding bastard who got thrown off the Skeleton Crew for using Propecia. That poor guy just wanted to reduce the shine for a while longer... The anti-doping agency is dumb.

Oh my GOD, my local network sent their dumbest Scottsdale bimbo to the Olympics for local coverage. Ughhh... I can take no more.

Seacrest out.

I can only point you to this story from The Beat.

Apparently Disney and NBC/ Universal have come to some sort of odd swap that trades my favorite fixture of Football Sportscasting for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit.

Yes, it seems Al Michaels is being swapped for Walt Disney's beta-version of Mickey Mouse, which was owned by Universal.

With this item and the story on NPR today about the potential for the IRS to begin taxing awards won in games like World of Warcraft that now appear to have real financial value, I can only feel like the boundaries between the real and the imaginary are at last collapsing in a way which will really suit my lifestyle.

Man, I would give my left arm to be swapped for QuickDraw McGraw. That would be so @#$%ing cool.

I know what ice cream treat The League will be enjoying this summer. The Superman Homepage has a blurb on an upcoming Superman themed ice cream treat from Nestle's.

Read here.

Worst Idea in the World Files

Wow. I HAVE to assume, despite the reliable news source, that this is a joke.

Randy sends this along.

Jamie is sitting behind me shouting "How?" "Why?"

I can assume that if your career plans involve a well secured brass pole that you might find a use.

Ladies, one day you may be a sweet 'ol granny. Just keep that in mind when you decide it would be awesome to have your boob playing Outkast.

I do wonder: How does one recharge the device? If a little gel causes cancer, what's a leaky battery going to do?

I can't wait to be able to download "Boot Scoot Boogie" to my pace maker and have "Enter Sandman" as part of my "male enhancement" plans.