Sunday, March 19, 2006

THE 2006 Mellies Results:

Okay, the results are in. We had a startlingly large number of nominees/ responses this year. A few people didn't bother to send anything in despite what I assumed was regular reading of the site. No harm, no foul. The results will be coming out in a slow trickle over the next two weeks.

So, on to the show....

Question 1:

The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane

Eric Nordtrom: Ann Coulter

Tamara: I don't own a television, so I think that I'm ill-qualified to answer this one.

Natalie: Bill O'Reilly. Someone please shut him up!

Jim D.: This is a difficult question to answer, as in the era of DVR, I really only watch what I preset my Tivo to record, and I am not in the habit of recording programs featuring people who are always on TV and who drive me insane. If pressed, I would have to say celebutante/heirhead Paris Hilton, someone who is not famous for any talent or contribution to society, but rather because she is dumb, sordid, and (at least in her own mind) trendy. In fact, looking at her guest appearances on IMDB, she is always on television. I was particularly irked when she appeared on the usually clever "Veronica Mars," the producers of which appeared to be slumming it by casting this wealthy oxygen thief. I think she appeared in an unnecessary throwaway cameo on "The O.C.," back when that program was worth watching. Perhaps that was the beginning of the end?

Ryan V. :
And my wife loves her. (And DVRs every episode.)
There is no escape.

Peabo: Bill Maher (I know, it’s not t.v., it’s HBO). I used to like him, back when he was funny and made a little bit of an effort to see both sides of an issue, but now he is such an apologist for anything that is anti-Bush he has zero credibility. There is plenty of legitimate criticism to be made of Bush without having to resort to idiotic sensationalism and hyperbole.

Denise: -Close tie: Michael Moore or Al Frankin. Two completely delusional and paranoid idiots. Get your schizoaffective disorders in check! Take the damn Haldol!

RHPT: The kids who are on MTV's insipid shows.

Nathan: The Geico gecko. I used to like him until he started talking in a bad British accent. (note from the editor: The Geico gecko is not technically a person, but a lizard. And is also, technically, a cartoon. We accept Nathan's response based upon the fact that we went to the same high school and are aware of the poor quality of the science curriculum at said high school)

Social Bobcat: - John Gibson - normally i wouldn't know of his existence but our TVs at work are constantly on FOX News. i think he's inflammatory (war on christmas!) and he looks weird

Maxwell: Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony. He's orange. Does he drink too much carrot juice? Or is he an alien who has already infiltrated the Christian conservative right and who plans to eventually breed the entire globe based on 29 points of "similarity" in order to produce the yummiest humans ever?

Harms: Thanks to a Tivo and an HDivo I rarely see TV but that I want to see, thus I'm not particularly driven insane by it. I'll just say Paris Hilton because I'm tired of her being in every medium possible.

Steanso: probably Katie Couric. No, Barbara Walters. Nope. It's gotta be Katie Couric. Damn you, America's sweetheart! Every time I watch you I can feel IQ points melting out through my ears.

CrackBass: Donald Trump. I know that is his role. But I really, really dislike him.

Reed-o: I don't know if this qualifies, but I'm getting real sick of the voice actor for those "Priceless" MasterCard commercials. You know what would be priceless for me - seeing the MasterCard priceless commercial campaign come to an end.

Jamie: Nancy Grace. So maybe she's not on TV ALL the time, but each night that I make dinner I turn on the telly for some background noise and there she is, shrieking about all current injustices!

The League:

The dude I can't stand most: I'm trying to think of a "TV Personality" who makes me want to run screaming from the room, and I'm hard pressed. I tune so much out. My first thought was the salivating moron of "Mad Money", but then I thought Wolf Blitzer probably should snag this one this year if I'm too pick someone from a "news" network. Nay, I'm going obvious and giving it to Tom Cruise for being such an insufferable jack-ass. Nobody speaks to Lauer that way, Cruise! NO ONE!!!

Lady: Not so long ago, the answer might have been Oprah, and then I watched this thing on PBS about her life and, dammit, it made me respect her. It's just not fair. She used to really bug me. So, for the woman I can't stand most, I gotta go with Steanso's selection. I just can't @#$%ing stand Couric. From my responses, you'd think I watch a lot of Today Show, but I don't. I'm a Diane Sawyer man all the way. Good Moring America, indeed...

The Results:

Paris Hilton got the most responses if you don't count my own regarding Couric. That should come as a surprise to nobody. By this time, 2008, she'll be a footnote, people. If you ignore her, she will go away.

Well, special shout out to Ryan V. for his mournfully poetic response. I could almost feel the quiet desperation.

Reed-o gets a nod for the most random person to dislike, considering it is a disembodied voice. Reed-o hears so many voices in his head, we figured one more wouldn't bug him.

Tamara gets a special "Boo Award". Just imagine me "boo-ing" you. As endeared as I am that you were honest, The League will have no loftiness in it's pages. Instead, we shall now make fun of you for not being a part of the latter-20th Century and refer to you as "Cave-Dweller Tamara". We shall also wonder aloud if Tamara fears other gifts from the her primitive gods such as running water and fire to heat her cave.

I think Maxwell wins for most colorful response. I literally have not been able to see an eHarmony commercial since reading her response and still see that carrot-colored goober the same way again.

Paris, I'm sorry doll... We all applaud how hard you were sort of trying in your megalomaniacal, sociopathic sort of way. If you could just try not to fill up any more space in our collective conscience for, oh, the next fifty years..? Great. Thanks. See you in the obits!

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