Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Fabulous Fifth Question

Tamara is the only intelligent contestant, but that means she also won't win this category. Sorry, doll.

Here we discuss TV. We know that 99% of programming is dumb. Even the ridiculous crud they show during the PBS telethons is 78% unwatchable hoo-hah. What's really sad is that TV, when launched, was seen as the great equalizer, allowing anyone to have access to information, anytime, anywhere. Instead, we filled our laughing box with Milton Berle in a dress, lit up the Osmonds, gave Geraldo Rivera a platform and wound up with a show called Temptation Island.

We should all be eradicated like cockroaches.


Question #5: It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away

Eric Nordtrom: Dancing with the Stars.

Tamara: Once again, yer movin' pitcher box makes me skeered!

Natalie: Any Houston Texans football game.

Jim D.: This is a tough one. I'd have to say American Idol, which I can't stop watching. I really can't. I probably need help. Someone help me.

Ryan V.: I don’t know if it’s bad, per se, but I love Nip/Tuck. And, like Jimbo, I still tune in to watch American Idol (though I DVR it and usually cover an episode in 1/4 of the time).

Peabo: Nanny 911. It is pure greatness. Some of these kids run the household. Kids like that are the reasons sweatshops were invented.

Denise: Project Runway. I can’t help myself. I like watching gay men in catfights.

RHPT: Drawn Together. It's incredibly vulgar and offensive, but I am compelled to watch anything animated. A close second would be Alias. The show stopped being good long ago, but I'm a creature of habit.

Nathan: The closest thing I can think of is "Dancing with the Stars," which made me smile-a-plenty.

Social Bobcat: Deal or No Deal - it's fun to watch the contestants and their families slowly lose their grip on reasonableness and statistics

Maxwell: Project Runway. Don't look so shocked, Andrae.

Harms: I have so little time I have virtually no time for TV, let alone bad.

Steanso: Wife Swap. When goat-blood-drinking Wiccan high priestesses are mixed with the families of fanatically conservative Bible thumping fundamentalists, comedy gold is bound to ensue.

CrackBass: American Idol. I hate it, but I watch for the train wreck. And I feel like a stupid American that I hate when I do so.

Reed-o: Texas A&M football (editor's note: Knowing Reed the way I do, this made me cry a little bit. Poor little fella.)

D. Loyd: The first weeks of Idol.

Jamie: American Idol. I think I've missed maybe 2 episodes throughout it's entire run. I *know* it's terrible but I can't stop!

The League: This question was inspired by the fact that I wrote these questions while watching a DVR'd Flavor of Love. Many of you will say that DVR has saved you from the floatsam and jetsam of the TV landscape. At The League of Melbotis, it has done nothing but make bad TV all the more convenient.

Yes, it's exactly the same formula as ABC's The Bachelor, but who cares about former cheerleaders who all look like JC Penney's catalog underwear models trying to justify their banality and pursuing the guy from the sport coats section of the Kohl's catalog?

Leaguers, I submit to you... How can I go wrong watching ex-crackhead and hype-man Flava Flav as he is woo'ed by 20 LA dwelling reality TV show bottomfeeders? Flav is not but a 13-year old in a 46 year old man's body. What to do when presented with so many women fighting for your attention? I'll tell you what you do. You repeatedly shout your own name and demand that the girls be "real."

That "New York" chick was also a total bitch.


What is that, four or five for American Idol and a few for Dancing with the Stars and Project Runway?

American Idol seems to be an odds-on favorite, and given its ratings, I am not surprised a few of you confessed to giving into the addictive quality of the program. You'll note Jamie watches the show, which means The League must suffer through as well. And I'll tell you something, Leaguers: That Ace guy needs a cock punching.

The formula is simple, the drama is simple and gripping. You can even miss a week and pop right back in, learning instantly waht you missed at the beginning of the next week's episodes. Randy and Paula may be remarkable entertainers and/ or musicians, but they are lackluster judges. We all know it's Simon, who says what we're all thinking anyway, who runs that show.

Anyhoo, I can, and frequently do, look away. My recommendation? Listen to Ryan V. The show is about 40% commercials and another 45% filler. DVR the show and then watch before voting time is over. You'll miss Randy's prattling and Paula's drugged-out monologues. Listen to the singer and then Simon and then stand in judgment. This formula has kept our marriage alive.

That said, it is a crap show that we've somehow all come to agree upon. In twenty years, when VH1 is runnin it's "I Heart the 00's" special in some form of meta-postmodern sly winking and nodding, you know kids will stare at the TV and say "THIS was the biggest show on TV? WHY?" And you, you will have no answer.

Who gets the "Boo"? Oh, please. It's totally Harms, who is "too busy" to watch TV. Pfft. You have iTunes and a commute, do you not, Mr. I'm Too Good For Dr. Phil?

Tamara, while confessing she has no TV, showed the proper respect for us couch zombies by showing an adequate level of shame at her no-TV-havin'-lifestyle.

Best response? Me. Because I freakin' love Flava Flav. How is this man not in public office?

I can't do that, can I...?

Oh, heck, It's Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat). Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat) get the award for demonstrating the proper level of misanthropy when it comes to reality television subjects.

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