Greetings, Leaguers.

It appears Superman will continue to fly high for a few more seasons on TV's Smallville and Justice League.
Now, Superman's Kryptonian canine companion, Krypto, is getting his own children's series.
Good news? I think so. Dogs with super powers should be much more prevalent on television. It will also be interesting to see how many folks suddenly realize why my license plate reads "KRYPTO".

I also heard that Alien Legion may be getting a 30 episode animated run. I loved this comic back in middle school, and I've been purchasing some of the recent collections from Checker and Titan press. For anyone who likes kooky aliens and gritty, tough action, you might dig this comic. It's the cat's pajamas. My hopes are high for the animated series.

Packers are out of the play-offs. My football season is unoffically over. I will still watch some of the Superbowl, but most likely I will not be very invested in it.

I am trying to draw to a close the conversation about art and it's value which has been percolating over on JimD's site. At some point you're debating. At some point, you're beating a very dead horse.

At some point I have watched just too many home improvement shows and decided that I, too, was a master carpenter. Growing up I used to help The Old Man out in the garage, and, thusly, already knew a thing or two about how to use power tools when I began building sets in high school drama. Since then my handiwork has been limited to changing lightbulbs and air filters. A few months ago,a fter having watched "While You Were Out" one too many times on TLC, I decided to build some furniture. I have now built a 40" x 40" CD rack, a sort of CD rack/ cell phone and wallet holder, and now I have built a coat rack/ footlocker. Jamie seems pretty pleased. I am a little skeptical of the durability of the coatrack section. Only time and gravity will tell if the coatrack is, in fact, a success.

Randy's lady, Emily, had this insight into blogging. She has allowed me to share.

I try not to read people's blogs because im jealous that i can't do a blog of my own, but i have given in. It's reality TV for the internet. I'm a closet blog reader. I live in shame :(

and that about sums it up.

More Martian Madness...

It's absolutely correct to be skeptical that we (by we, I mean the good 'ol US of A) will be willing to put money into strapping a couple of folks to a rocket and sending them to Mars on the off-chance that they will return safely. It's going to cost trillions, and it's going to be pretty much a colossal waste of time. But, dammit, that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

We spend tax dollars on some pretty ridiculous nonsense (did you know Dick Cheney INSISTS on Oreos and will not tolerate the cheaper, tastier Hydrox?). We also spend billions and trillions preparing for wars which may never happen, and teaching kids who are pretty stupid, anyway. But if we can get to Mars, it will give this Leaguer hope that the human spirit of endeavour and achievement and exploration is no longer limited to seeing what's on the channels over 55 on the flipper. It will mean that we, as a people, have agreed that we are ready to spread our wings as a species and are now ready to soar among the stars. And we are ready to bring back buxom space vixens.

As much as my post from earlier indicates the very real financial benefits, really, if we have a trillion dollars, maybe we could try to feed people, or buy off Castro into retirement, or get a Cardinals team which I might pay to see. I dunno. THere's reason to be skeptical, and uses on this little blue marble for all that dough.

But a part of me wants to see the first footage broadcast by a human in a space suit, waving back to the world from that dusty red planet. Hell, let's have a bake sale. I'm sure we can find the money somewhere.

sweet

I love me the space program. I hope this is a serious effort and not just election year hoo-hah. I choose not to be cynical on this one.

The Space Program offers both a lot tangibles and intangibles to the American people. A lot of everyday technology was developed for the Space Program (microwave ovens, Tang, zero-G toilets), and a lot more will be necessary for reaching Mars and returning to the moon. The Space Program is good for businesses associated with this kind of development and construction.

Exploration and discovery offers those intagibles of national pride, excitement of discovery, and could spark the imaginations for genreations of future engineers. (My employing university is wrapped up with the current Mars expedition. We're pretty excited).

Most of all, I want to see a man walk on Mars before I'm 50, but I'll take a permanent moon colony. This could really be the beginning of a bold new era.

1) Mel has been spending his days outside lately with the fantastic Arizona winter weather. It's like lows of 50 and highs of mid-70's. He's nuts for being outside.

2) Mel received many presents for Christmas from my folks (in a doggy gift basket). He's quite insane now with too many toys to choose from. Most disturbing is the disembodied, red pig-head which squeaks when you squeeze it.

3) The phone rang at 4:00am this morning. No message was left, and the caller ID failed to identify the caller. I laid in bed for about half an hour imagining all sorts of nightmare scenarios in which someone tried to call me for assitance, but nobody called back. I was reminded of a phone number I had to change in college. It was a former FAX number. Everynight I would get 2-3 calls from FAX services. usually between 1am and 6am. It was a nightmare.

4) Busy day today. But check out Jim's insightful response to yesterday's shenanigans. Also, help us identify Zak Bennigan's.

Couple of things:

1) Randy has sent along a photo of he and Emily. THis is the same photo removed from Randy's wedding site after Emily decided that my review of Randy's demeanour was, perhaps, unkind.

After strong-arming Randy, I have obtained a link to the photo once again. Randy, in all of his insane glory, may be found here (possibly threatening Emily with a butter knife held in his left hand). Here's that pic.

2) For some reason JimD. and I decided to get into it today over the piece of crappy graphitti art on 21st and Guadalupe in Austin. While in a lot of ways, I agree with Jimbo, in other ways, I clearly do not. Unfortunately for Jim, I am right and he is wrong.

Some other guy kind of insulted me for screwing up Daniel Johnston's name. Which is fair, because, dammit, I called the man a "staple" and then got the name all botched up. Well, as long as I don't screw up my wife's name, it's all gravy. Anyway, I went and checked out a site the gentleman linked to and found a deep love of the frog. Jamie will appreciate this, even if the Cow Head Man thinks I'm a dork.

Shoemaker has sent in an ultra-late Holiday entry: The Waitress's "Merry Christmas". There's no note of explanation, but there is a link.

For those of you who submitted ON TIME, your prize is in the mail.

sometimes I get down about how weird and kind of fruitless it is working for the state, and then I remember it's this or flipping burgers and I perk right up again.

So I finally picked up my comics from the last two weeks (which is probably the longest between trips to the shop i've been in a year, at least). And they just rebooted Superman with issue #200 of Superman. Beginning next month, Superman will have a slightly different origin. Comics are so weird.

Anyway, Superman #200 was not as bad as I had read it would be in a review. What I really dug, however, was Superman/ Batman #5. Written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ed McGuinness, this was part 5 of a 6 part story in which Lex Luthor tries to take down Superman once and for all. In this issue, Team Superman and the Batman Family enter the White House to confront president Lex Luthor. Yeah, these comics are insane.

But if you like cool art (Randy, this might include you), and lots of action, this series might be up your alley.

McGuiness's take on Hawkman is fantastic, but I think he draws all of the characters very, very well for a guy locked into a cartoony style.

I like comics, and this comic renews that affection. It's over the top, it's ridiculous, it's not particularly emotionally mature, but it's more fun than eating Rain-Blo by the handful and jumping on a trampoline.

And word on the street is that in a few months they bring back the classic version fo Supergirl in this title. Hurray!

I haven't really been at work in two weeks, and that means I've been watching an inordinate amount of television. And after having watched two weeks worth of TV, and thousands of commercials, I have one question:

What the hell is a "hemi", and why should I care?

Look, I'm no car guy. I drive a 4-cylinder, and always have. I do not feel the need to drive a V6 (except on the rare occasion after having borrowed someone else's V6), a V8 or V12, nor an 18-wheeler. I have long believed cars are a tool, and not a way to flaunt one's manhood.

A lot of people don't like SUV's for a lot of legitimate reasons. A lot of people DO like SUV's for some legitimate, and a lot of quasi-legitimate reasons. It's the quasi-legitimate reasons, the one's they now spend billions advertising to, that blow my mind.

When i was a kid, my folks bought a monstrous conversion van. It had two stereos, seated somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 and had niceties like a table one could assemble and play checkers on. Which was great for the trip to the groccery store and whereever. I would be lying if I thought we really needed the damn thing, but we had not just one... when I was 14, we got another one. THis one had a bench seat which (with the touch of a button) folded out into a bed. It also had a built in bar in the back for "tailgating" (which we never did), and a spot where a TV was supposed to be installed. We never got the TV and VCR, although we had the wiring and hook-ups, because the day we picked up the van, my mom burst into tears at the thought her children would rather watch Sanford and Son reruns than talk to her while in the car. Which i thought was kind of weird at the time.

Apparently, this isn't such a concern with today's savvy parent. Now, when toting the kids to and from soccer practice, in the half an hour a day when you could be talking to your kid, your babysitter has been provided to you. Once again, you can feel free to let the flickering box raise your kids so you can focus on the cell phone conversation you were having before you picked up the little monstrosities.

Look, I don't have kids. And I can't guarantee if I did have a kid, s/he wouldn't turn out like Jeffrey Dahmer. But I do know when you have a kid, you're supposed to pay attention to it. I don't care how tired you are from work, or who is calling your cell phone. But a part of me also knows I wouldn't do any better than anyone else, and makes me not really want to have kids... because folks, I don't want to be the guy I made fun of all these years.

My favorite thing in the commericals is seeing how happy mom and dad are... how they look to one another with loving, knowing smiles... as if to say "hear all that silence? THose little brats have been hypnotized into a stupor once again... it's so mercifully quiet, we can pretend we are once again childless."

I'm now horrified by my parents' van ownership, but I understand why folks buy huge cars when they have kids. I understand far less why my parents now own a monstrous SUV with seating for 8, but since they paid for my college, i keep it on the QT. I'm just glad they didn't own one of the vans which said "Goodtimes Van" on the back in 60's psychedelic script.

So you've turned your car into the babysitter by getting the car with seats as big as a sofa and DVD player. Now you've still got to have adventure! You're still a virile alpha-male... which means you MUST be able to take it off-road. You must climb boulders and mountains and go from 0-60 in 5 seconds (despite the fact your car weighs 10 tons). And I guess the "hemi" is the new thing to have. It must be some sort of shiny engine. It's a big 'ol honking engine Dad would have in his truck if... if he were a swinging single adventurer! He can still live out the fantasy, though, as long as it's hidden beneath the hood of the moving living room.

Poor, emasculated dad... Knowing that his "hemi" will only help him pass Monte Carlo's on the toll-road on his way to his boring office job. WAIT! Only Dad doesn't get to drive the "hemi" powered wonder car. He drives the Corrola, because Mom needs the SUV to transport the kids to go roller-skating... And the hemi is only really there because you need that kind of horsepower to keep your moving living room from stalling on every incline, anyway...

Look, I don't know why those commercials bug me so much, but they do. I know people feel as if they need these cars, the way they needed conversion vans in the 80's, then mini-vans in the mid-90's, and now Tahoes or whatever. Maybe they need these things as surely as they need beds and food for their children. I do not know. I do know, TV's in cars are dumb. But I liked the idea a heck of a lot more when they had to start passing laws stating it was illegal to watch porn on your car TV, lest everyone see your feature attraction from your rear window.

Maybe a week of watching TV did nothing good for me.

Apparently Ms. Emily took exception to my post from a few days ago regarding Randy being completely insane. The link to The Knot now sports a new picture of Homer and Marge Simpson. Randy has gone ahead and posted about Emily's reaction, and his feelings upon the whole ordeal. It is unfortunate that Emily has selected to remove the photo of she and her beau. Indeed, it was quite thrilling to see the Tjahjono's looking so blissful (even if half of them are insane).

I request that Emily reconsider, and if nothing else, find a new picture of she and her man.

Chin up, Emily. Randy is more or less a good guy, and while I am afraid for you, I believe you are more or less making the right choice. So let's see you put up that photo again lest i turn it into my year-long crusade to see that picture posted once more...

one out of fifteen ain't bad...

I guess the Martians got sick of shooting these things out of the sky...

I have taken a great deal of time off of work. It's been pleasant. I am classified as "faculty" in my position at the University, which means I have an insane amount of vacation, which I can rarely use. But the Holidays are a perfect time for disappearing, and so I haven't been to work since December 22nd.

On Monday I must return to work, and what I would like to do is return with a new enthusiasm. Will this actually happen? Only time will tell. We're going to be going directly into one of our two "busy" periods, lasting about three to four weeks each, occuring in accordance with the spring and fall semesters.

So it's probably good I took a break.

I've watched alot of movies on DVD, I've drawn more, I tried some writing (hopefully Hustler won't turn me down this time), and I am trying to build some more furniture. I'm not very good at building at furniture, but if all 90 degree angles is your bag, I am your man.

I haven't really been unemployed since about 1996, and I kind of miss the time off. One thing university life provides is a good amount of vacation (or did at UT), so I will try in the future to make the most of the time I've been given. Watching this episode of Justice LEague, next vacation, maybe I'll make a rail gun. Looks like fun.

Anyway, next week I return to normal programming. See you then.

This may surprise Leaguers, but for as many mentions as he gets in these pages, I've never actually met Randy of RHPT.com. Randy started showing up in my e-mail box a while back, and we've been chummy ever since.

As a consequence, I've never actually seen Randy in person. Until today. Randy posted a link to his little corner of wedding cyber-space over on The Knot. The Knot is a site where you can register and make sure folks have a a web-friendly location to check and re-check wedding details. This is actually a really nice idea. Wish we'd done it.

Anyway, I never saw Randy before, but now I have, and if the photo on the site is any indication, Randy is quite mad. yes, yes... I know he's happy to be with his lady in this photo... but there's a certain bewildering insanity sparking behind those eyes as if to say both "yes, you may refill my water" as well as "but then I will hide in the back seat of your car and surprise you on the interstate."

No doubt Randy will be disturbed by my deductions, but this is why the Steanses try to keep our photos off the net... for fear someone might say "dear God, did the panda actually eat the girl after the photo was taken?" or "they're both so pale... oh, you didn't even use a flash?" or "it would not kill him to skip dessert once in a while."

So here's Randy, all menacing smile and deranged plotting. By his side is his future bride, who would do well to sleep with one eye open.

For Shoemaker:

It's a week late, and from the late Wesley Willis, but I think anyone could enjoy it... In fact, this may be the new "Frosty the Snowman".

Merry Christmas

Howdy. I am kind of back.

couple of house keeping items.

I am considering sending something out to all who participated in the Abso-Ludicrous Holiday Media Spectacular. If you would rather not participate in a little larceny and malfeasance, let me know ASAP.

I think I have everyone's address. I may contact you if I do not. People in japan have asked that their items be sent elsewhere. This shall be respected.

Mel is back from the kennel and safely home. Jeff The Cat also returned home from the kennel. Both are suffering from a little separation anxiety, but I'm taking some time off work, so both are getting ample attention.

The visit to my folks' went well. I missed having more of the extended family around, but with scheduling for my immediate family these days, sometimes these things are best not examined too much. I got some cool presents from everyone. Not a weird one in the bunch. I got a stack of DVD's, and I have to confess to being a little excited about my copy of Conan the Barbarian. I've loved that movie since I was a kid, but can't put my finger on why. But what had me rolling was the DVD collection of The Tick live action series which lasted maybe eight or nine episodes. Classic. Like Icarus, it flew to close to the sun, my friends.

Made Jamie and Heather Wagner go to Bedrock City Comics with me in Spring, TX. Picked up some cool Action Comics back issues, including this issue and this issue. Merry Christmas to me.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve, which is kind of the capper on the Holiday season for most everyone. Tomorrow ends 2003, which is okay. It was an okay year in a lot of ways, but I can't say i made great personal strides. In fact, a lot of this year felt a bit like I was coasting more than actually trying. But that's why we have New Years: Try to do better in the upcoming year what we did poorly in the the preceding year.

To celebrate NYE, I am taking Jamie to a curiously nice Italian place (it's in a strip shopping center in Queen Creek) called Primo. We'll do some wine and dinner there, and then I guess she'll be tired from work and go to sleep. We aren't the same fun couple we were in 1999-2000, a New Years which will live in infamy. (I just remembered Loyal Leaguer Nathan Cone came up from San Antonio for that fiesta... I was too drunk to remember if he was there when things... got out of hand). Here's a hint, kids: hammers, glitter, vodka, hard candy and pinatas simply do not mix. Especially when you're super excited the power grid didn't fail on you. I almost lost my eye.

People are throwing out lists for 2003, which seems like a heck of a lot of work. Here's mine.

2003, Bad:

1) summer in desert
2) continued success of Justin Timberlake
3) questionable stewardship of Superman core comic titles
4) the missing couch
5) gout
6) lack of weight loss
7) lack of direction in job
8) WMD
9) the puppy incident
10) Daredevil movie

2003, Good:

1) winter in desert
2) continued success of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
3) announcements of future artisitic teams for Superman comics
4) Season 2 of Justice League
5) vegetarianism turning out to be okay
6) I didn't get fatter!
7) steady job
8) lack of attacks from WMDs
9) two happy pets
10) I actually liked the Hulk. Shut up. I did. Cousin Sue sent the DVD for Christmas! Hurrah!

So for my yin, there is a yang, I suppose. But that was 2003. It was an Even Steven sort of year.

soon we move into the mid-00's. How freaky is that?

So what are my resolutions? I told myself years ago to quit setting stupid, unrealistic goals. So my resoltuions are:

1) Re-engage at work. Quit stressing over the difficulty of each task and try to see each task as a challenge. Have a better attitude about students, faculty and crazy projects.
2) Use better judgement in buying comics in order to spend less on comics.
3) Try to keep the house neater.
4) Either move back to Texas or quit bitching about Arizona.
5) Do more with free time (may require cancelling movie channels)
6) Write "Great American Novel".
7) draw more
8) draw fewer naked girls when drawing
9) quit waking up the cat whenever he falls asleep. No, it's not that funny to anyone but me.
10) be more open minded about Paris Hilton
11) eat more vegetables and less pasta and bread
12) be a genuinely better human being. By better, do not mean Ubermench.
13) spend more quality time with Melbotis

and that's it, kids! Lucky 13. Ah, well. Happy New Year!!! Now go get drunk for your Ol' Uncle Ry'.

Dedman has done a fantastic job of keeping up with his blog. I have not. Christmas is going well. It is humid and warm in Houston today. it will be cool and dry in Phoenix when we return tomorrow.

My brother has a new, three legged dog. She is very sweet and entertaining. She is, however, destroying all which is in her path.

So today is the last day I update for a long while. Which is fine, because if you're spending your time over the next few days eagerly anticipating the next update from the League, we think maybe you should go out and look at some Christmas lights and get some fresh air.

The League may well be busy with family while in Spring, TX. But who knows? Shoot the League an e-mail if you'll be in H-Town.

In the meantime, I would like to wish everyone the best this Holiday Season. I think I've been pretty plain here in these pages about my opinions and feelings surrounding this great mish-mash of a season. And we can all take it seriously, or we can try to have fun with it. We can know it's nothing but a consumerist sham, or we can know that at the heart of it, no matter what else gets put up in front as the great facade, there's some good at the heart of it. Maybe a whole lot of good that we're supposed to be waiting to find.

So this Christmas, I want three things (because Jamie already got me the sweater. It's green.).

I want Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men, and I want for everyone to know how wonderful and special is my beautiful wife, Jamie. She's the best.

Maybe that's four things. Ah, well.

Merry Christmas, Leaguers. Peace on Earth, and good will towards all people everywhere. The year is coming to an end. We have a new one coming and a chance to do it right this time.

Up, up and away.

Hey, Leaguers! The Holiday Contest has drawn to a close! I am unable to choose a winner as, frankly, there are too many great entries this year, and I think I shoudl have narrowed the contest down a bit. Well, live and learn we do, here at League of Melbotis HQ.

I have to say that those who write in to the League are a persuasive lot, and each holds a special flicker of the Christmas Spirit within them. I wish each and every Leaguer a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.

Instead of selecting a winner, I shall figure something out for every entrant to the contest. So, folks, just be aware of how busy The League has been, and how short of cash now that all of the extended family has received a Hickory Farms cheese log basket.

So, God and finances willing, a token of The League's appreciation will arrive after the Holidays.

In the meantime, I have compiled the answers and selections sent in by Loyal Leaguers. I invite you to read them each and all, and to appreciate the effort and POV of each and every person as they come to Christmas.



MOST BIZARRE HOLIDAY MEDIA

Nathan Cone:

The Six Million Dollar Man ¡V Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures ¡V Peter Pan Records

Remember Peter Pan records? It was like the Mercury Theater of the Air for the 1970s kids. Okay, maybe not. But they put out a lot of radio theater-type albums, and this one takes the cake for me. I found my copy at a Best Buy fire sale 10 years ago. Follow Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man (played by an incredibly wooden "actor") in the following Christmas adventures: "The Kris Kringle Caper," "Elves' Revolt," "The Toymaker," and "Christmas Lights."
Here's an exciting scene from "The Kris Kringle Caper," as Steve disguises himself as a department store Santa:
Girl: "Hey, don't I know you?"
Six Mil: "Of course, everyone knows me, I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "There's no such person as Santa Claus."
Six Mil: "Then, who am I?"
Girl: "I think you're the man who was here the other day, the one who tried to get my present back for me."
Six Mil: "I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "I told you, there's no such person."
Six Mil: "Then what are you doing on my lap?"

Laura Maxwell:

A. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
1978. Television. With Several Wookies, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Airplane.
This show made me question the sanctity of my own reality.



B. MISTLETOE JAM
1995. Luther Vandross, song from the album, This is Christmas.
This should perhaps go under the category of most unfortunately named holiday media. The song starts off with the following dialogue:
"Girl come on over here and get under this MISTLETOE with me!"
"I'm not getting under that mistletoe with you any more!"
"Why not?"
"Cause you don't know how to act when you get under there."
"What are you talking about?"
"YOU know what I'm talking about."
"What?"
"The last time I got under that thing with you¡K"
"What happened?"
"The last time I got under there with you?... I had twins!"
"Oooh. Tell it all."
It also contains the verse:
Glad you got big feet,
Cause they're so good for dancing
Glad you got big legs
Cause they're so good when we're romancing
You still got the flavor
And I'm hungry for your love
So I'm gonna play this one jam
That will make you want to kiss somebody
And the oft repeated rousing chorus:
This is the mistletoe jam
I like to party all night
And dance to the mistletoe jam
Mistletoe Jam!
Everybody kiss somebody

Worst of all, I don't think this is meant to be a joke.

C. CHRISTMAS WITH ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
1962. Album.
This is the sort of novelty album that probably should have gone the way of the Christmas meowing or barking albums or that singing fish, but didn't. They are singing rodents, but their harmonies are tight and Christmas Don't Be Late remains a holiday favorite. For children everywhere that have sped up their own voices with technology and laughed.

Dedman:

1. "Christmas with the Devil" by Spinal Tap. The sugar plums are rancid and the stockings are in flames. Appearing on Tap's 1992 comeback record, Break Like the Wind, this track was brought to you by Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer, the auteurs of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and A Mighty Wind. Their reappearance was not well-received, and they even picked a fight with Metallica for plagiarizing the cover of their own "none more black" black album. Tap, of course, is by far the most amusing of the McKean/Guest/Shearer oeuvre, and their take on Christmas is bizarre indeed.

2. Rankin/Bass Christmas television specials. You remember these dreadful creations if you were remotely sentient during the seventies or eighties, when they were rerun ceaselessly during the holidays. (I was surprised to discover how old these are, actually, as the first of the series, Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, was released in 1964.). The primitively odd pseudo-claymation-animation and the overdone soundtrack effects make these television specials simply creepy and bizarre. Burl Ives croons away as Sam the Snowman while a yeti/sasquatch finds redemption? Yikes. Here are a few links, courtesty of IMDB, to jog your memory:

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

Of course, I note with interest that The League of Melbotis chose an image from one of these specials to accompany its introduction of the contest. That is most frighteningly unfortunate.

Anne Francis:

Radio City Christmas Spectacular - probably the most garish, expensive, unnecessary ode to Christmas. 2 hours of military precision dancing by a line of shapely women, massively dorky singers warbling about the joys of shopping and toys and even a scene where Mrs. Claus grabs Santa's butt (I kid you not!) only to end with a 20 minute sanctimonious "Living Nativity" scene - complete with live camels - that flogs the audience that Christmas is not about gifts and Santa (despite the fact that the previous 1 hour and 40 minutes had you believing otherwise) and absolutely castigating any goodwill you may have had towards the religious origins of the holiday. I hate this show.

RUNNER-UP
Not sure why, but I've always found the "Do they Know It's Christmas" to be somewhat bizarre. I mean, they are singing about Africa and asking "Do they know it's Christmas?" Well....if they're not Christian - PROBABLY NOT. Never knew Bob Geldolf had a missionary streak in him....
http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70312171613340497&sql=B2ltqoa8ayijn


Essential Media:

Molly Brensen:

1) David Sedaris "Santaland Diaries" NPR Morning Edition (originally about 1993 but they tend to replay it--that's the best I can do)
You can't do comedy justice by describing it. That said, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the background of grinches, and who needs a happy ending? Who expects one anyway when your job is playing Crumpet the Elf at Macy's for the Christmas season? Sedaris takes the piss out of deranged parents who make screaming children smile for the camera or ask Santa to stop animal testing, kids who want their dead dad back and a complete set of ninja turtles, "Santa Santa" who thinks he really is Santa, and Snowball the elf who leads all the other elves and Santas on. Of course, the main reason it's essential is because nowhere else will you hear what Away in a Manger would sound like sung by Billie Holiday.
I think I was supposed to say something about how this affected me personally. A year or two ago this came on the radio when I was driving with my kid sister who was just old enough not to believe in Santa anymore but smart enough not to tell our folks. So we listened to this and laughed ourselves silly (nearly causing a wreck) and shared our little secret that she was "in" on the grow-up stuff. Then we drove the rest of the way home singing Christmas songs in silly voices and different styles.

Nathan Cone:

"It's A Wonderful Life" ¡V 1946 ¡V directed by Frank Capra

Is there any film more ¡§wonderful¡¨ than ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life?¡¨ It may seem hard to believe, but Frank Capra¡¦s 1946 classic wasn¡¦t really a success when it opened. Now over fifty years later, ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ is one of the defining moments of American cinema, and is a perennial holiday favorite. But to call ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ a ¡§Christmas movie¡¨ isn¡¦t really doing it justice. Yes, much of it is set around Christmastime, but this is a film that can be viewed at any time of the year.

Jimmy Stewart stars as George Bailey, a role that he credited as his favorite until the day he died. Donna Reed is radiant as Mary Hatch, George¡¦s childhood sweetheart. George has dreams. He wants to travel the world become a famous architect, and have a life full of adventure. Instead, he¡¦s living in Bedford Falls, the same small town he grew up in, where he works at his family¡¦s building and loan business. After a life of sacrifice, a crisis that could leave him penniless and in jail drives George to the breaking point, and he contemplates suicide. Instead, his guardian angel Clarence, AS-2 (angel, second class), appears. George remarks that maybe the world would have been better off if he had never been born, and so Clarence shows him just what would have been, had that happened.

What Clarence shows George (and us) is just how precious our lives really are, and how interconnected we are to the rest of the world. Every deed we do does not go unnoticed; on the contrary, everything we do affects the people we know, and so on, and so on. It¡¦s a message that is as prescient at Christmastime as it is throughout the year.

Not to be overlooked in ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ are the terrific romantic and comedic moments, such as George and Mary¡¦s dance into an open swimming pool, or the honeymoon they share in a rickety old house that will one day become a home.

Yet the heart of It's A Wonderful Life remains its hero, George Bailey. The term "everyman" could have been coined from this role it's hard to find someone who hasn't felt the same as George at one time or another. Plus, Jimmy Stewart is just so doggone likeable, and plays the part with such emotion, that you can't help but feel yourself slipping into his shoes.

The coming Christmas season will undoubtedly bring repeated showings of "It's A Wonderful Life" on television as it does every year. You see, the film itself lapsed into the public domain in the 1970s, meaning that until its copyright was renewed in the 1990s, anyone who could get their hands on a print could make copies and sell them at a minimal cost. It also meant that television stations could show the film without paying any royalties. So, in a twist of fate, the film¡¦s public domain status brought it to a wider audience and made it more popular than ever before. This year, whether you¡¦ve never seen it, or even if you've seen it fifty times over, you owe it to yourself to take a trip to Bedford Falls, to discover again just how "wonderful" life really is.

"A Christmas Story" 1983 directed by Bob Clark

Like "It's A Wonderful Life," this movie flopped upon its initial release (do I see a pattern here?). But time has proven that "A Christmas Story" gets it right about what it's like to be a kid in the weeks leading up to that glorious morning of presents, presents, presents, and bleary-eyed parents. Who would have believed that the director of a movie as sophomoric and, some might say, misogynistic, as "Porky's" could craft something so warm-hearted? I still don't believe it. I think the real star of the movie is the late writer Jean Shepherd, whose writing and narration breathlessly whisks us through the story. It's a near-perfect mix of satire, and fond memories of life as a kid. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vince Guaraldi Trio ¡V "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

It's a classic now, but the network didn't like it at first. Jazz music? For a kids' program? But the "Peanuts" characters are less like kids and more like smaller adults, and that's just one of the reasons why this music fits so perfectly with the celebrated special. Can you look at folks on an ice rink and not think of the "skating" music? Do you bob your head back and forth like that weird dancing kid when you hear "Linus and Lucy?" Have you ever heard a more swingin' version of "O Tannenbaum" than the one crafted herein?


Maxwell

A. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
1965. Television.
Because Charlie Brown is depressed over the commercialism of Christmas. Because apparently pink aluminum trees were hot that year. Because a jazz band followed that group of kids around wherever they went. Because they used real kids voices for the characters. Because Linus is the wisest kid to ever carry a security blanket. Because gee wiz those kids can dance.

B. A CHRISTMAS STORY
1983. Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin
You know the tale. All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red-Ryder BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The film captures the imperfect perfection of most American households at Christmas and almost every line is quotable. Or at least my American household. If I had grown up in the '40's. Some of my favorites include,
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
"I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!"
"It was...It was...soap poisoning."
"Drink your ovaltine."
"I double dog dare ya."
"It's a major award."

C. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
1946. Frank Capra, James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore...
Admit it. You are a grown man. And it makes you cry.

(editor's note: Yes. I do. Every year. 8 years and Jamie still hasn't noticed that I'm sobbing like a baby over there on the other end of the couch.)


Dedman


1. "Merry Christmas from the Family" - Robert Earl Keen.
Mind you, I refer not to the uninspired studio version on Gringo Honeymoon but the energetic, impossible-not-to-enjoy live rendition on No 2 Live Dinner. By no means is Keen a master lyricist, and he's certainly not the best singer, but the live version of this song offers listeners an amusing piece of Texana which is tied to the holidays. In fact, the entire album is characterized by an energy and enthusiasm that simply does not appear in his studio recordings. Check it out.

2. The Ref, (1994).
Released in March of 1994, the film's promotional tagline was "The ultimate Christmas movie is coming this spring." Denis Leary, a bank robber, finds himself chaperoning his two hostages, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis. The rivalry and repartee between Spacey and Davis, who play a disfunctional married couple, reads like an existential Edward Albee yuletide comedy. This was Spacey, just a year shy from his greatest year, 1995, when he released three superb films, all of which had twist endings. (Those were, of course, Seven, The Usual Suspects, and Swimming with Sharks.). Alas, he went on to perpetrate K-PAX. Whatever the case, this is not your typical Christmas flick, but it is far more amusing that most of the cinematic detritus which passes for comedy these days.

3. General George Washington, Christmas 1776.
It was on Christmas night that Washington crossed the Delaware River. Its effect on history cannot be overstated. Pigeonholing this historical event into the "Most Essential Holiday Media" category is difficult, but I suspect, if challenged, I can develop some lawyerly argument to justify its inclusion.

(editor's note: while this isn't media in it's strictest sense, we're letting Jim's answer slide. Because here at the League, our patriotic hearts swell with pride at the thought of Washington going to kick a limey in the teeth on Christmas eve).


as a child I had a dream that I was in the boat with George. Funny what comes back to you.

Anne Francis

Charlie Brown Christmas- soundtrack only. Much better than the movie itself, as you don't get Linus' religious speech at the end.

(editor's note: While The League remains a secular institution, we kind of like Linus maintaing that the meaning of Christmas is not to be found in an aluminum tree.)

Mary Crawford

I nominate The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris in the Essential category.

When I mentioned to an esteemed colleague that I intended to nominate The Santaland Diaries in the Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!, his response was, F**k yeah I take this as evidence that I could have put my nomination in the Celebrated category as well, but my nomination stands in Essential.

Do a Google search for sardonic, merrily subversive tale. Need I say more?


more in another posting --->

Regrettable Performance:


Molly Brensen:

1) Jimmy Buffet "Christmas Island" CD 1996 (oh by the way this one went Platinum (1))

It's not that hard to make fun of Jimmy Buffet except that he usually does it for you himself. But, as he says there's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. Perhaps there's an even finer line between being ironic and utterly massacring a Christmas song. Anyway, it's not entirely clear if Buffet knows when he's being absurd intentionally or purely out of habit. Case in point, "Uncle John's Band" with steel drums on the 1994 Fruitcakes album.

Unfortunately the steel drums and background singers had a lot more in store for the 1996 release of "Christmas Island"--not to mention the running commentary and the hidden, thoroughly uninteresting reading of "The Night Before Christmas" (he sounds conscious). Four tracks are originals and standard Buffet fare(2) including Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rhum (which apparently rhymes with "Santa's off to the Caribbean"). Four tracks are Buffet-ized versions of pop Christmas songs including John Lennon/Yoko Ono's "Happy Christmas (War is Over), Mele Kalikimaka (obvious), Run Rudolph Run, and I'll Be Home for Christmas in which he gives the steel drums a break and milks the sap his voice instead (to mix a metaphor).

What makes this album truly regrettable though, are the two "traditional" tracks arranged by Buffet and Utley: Jingle Bells and Up on the Housetop. (links to snippets in .ra on Amazon)

If you know much Buffet, one line sums up the treatment of Jingle Bells: "Oh, what fun on Jah's cool run in a one-horse open sleigh". If that's not enough, imagine backup singers iterating "Oh! Oh! Jingle!/Jingle bells!" while Buffet chatters in his best (worst?) Jamaican accent, "Oh, oh! Watch out for that girl? Oh mon! Look at that truck! Stay on the left! stay on the left! Who's that Rosco with the Santa Claus hat? Hey Rosco man, what you got in that big burlap sack for me? A pre-sant? Oh thank you Santa Mon!"

I wish I could say that's the worst anyone could abuse a Christmas song, but "Up on the Housetop" takes the cake. From what I can tell it's a drunk surfer version, although it could be that Buffet's surfer accent just happens to sound more like a drunk. This time the background singers sing "Ooh Ooh Wah! Chicky Chicky Wah!" but he hasn't mucked with the lyrics. Little Wil gets "a hammer and tacks, also a ball and a whip that cracks" followed by a creepy chortle that leaves me feeling a little gross and dirty. Sadly not included in the lyrics are the other voiceovers: "Dude! Don't be a dude, Dude!", "Tubular Dude!", "Bitchin!", "Oh come on Dude, share the wave, share the wave it's Christmas!", a screeching Oow!, and "They say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too!" (which I can only take to mean Jimmy wants to get into the Beatles/Beach Boys fracas, but it's a little late and this is no white album. I guess I should just be glad there aren't any pet sounds).

1 Buffet has put out over thirty albums since 1970 and eight went platinum. I had assumed that in addition to the baseline of parrothead buyers, most copies were sold to folks like my mother who knew someone that likes Jimmy Buffet and saw the CD in the check-out line. Apparently however, at least on Amazon, this is actually popular with fans. Then again, if no one had ever heard it, could it truly be "regrettable"? I finally forced myself to actually listen to this CD all the way through for the first time for the sake of writing this email. Indeed2, I was a little surprised to see it was in my CD wallet when I arrived here in Japan.

2 Word used with permission, Jim Dedman, „¦2003.

Nathan Cone:

Karen Morrow and Charles Nelson Reilly ¡V "Baby, It's Cold Outside" ¡V from the album A Hollywood Christmas (2000)

It's more like "A Match Game Christmas" as Morrow and Reilly step all over one another in this decidedly un-swingin' version of "Baby It's Cold Outside." Plus, Reilly can't sing worth a damn. Please, Spirit, deliver me from these shadows you have shown me, and I will honor Christmas in my heart!

The Dixie Chicks and Rosie O'Donnell ¡V "Merry Christmas From the Family" ¡V from the album Another Rosie Christmas 2000

It's kind of cool to hear Natalie Maines sing this wonderfully trashy Robert Earl Keen song, until Rosie O'Donnell butts in and sings like she wants us to know "I'M HERE WITH THE DIXIE CHICKS! AND I'M SINGIN'!!!! AND I WILL BE HEARD!!!!!!"

Maxwell:

A. THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, Merry Merry Christmas, 1995. Featuring Funky Funky Xmas.

I never loved the NKOTB. I was one of maybe five girls who didn't wear the pink t-shirt the morning after the concert in Junior High. I probably really really wanted to like them, nobody is really that interested in straying from the crowd in the seventh grade, but I just couldn't like them at all. I bet that's why I wasn't elected to student council. Stupid NKOTB. Your album has a song called Funky Funky Xmas and another called Merry Merry Xmas. You suck.

B. FAKE CINDY, A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS. 1988. Television. Starring Not Susan Olsen.

Dear Fake Cindy. You are not the real Cindy. You are a fake. Faker.

C. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, Entire Cast and Crew.
See Above.
I am still not over this.


Dedman

1. The cast of Miracle on 34th Street (1994). What were they thinking? Refashioning a timeless, beloved film is almost always inappropriate. Richard Attenborough as Santa Clause? A pre-Practice Dylan McDermott as the idealist attorney? Elizabeth Perkins? Well, at least George Lucas wasn't involved. . . .


(editor's note: and let us not forget that the original Miracle on 34th Street starred Maureen O'Hara, who is hot.)

2. Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney. Apparently, it was a 1981 Christmas telephone conversation from Jacko to McCartney which prompted "The Girl is Mine," their duet on Thriller. Who could forget the gems that are its lyrics? The girl is mine, The doggone girl is mine, I know she's mine, Because the doggone girl is mine. That tune, of course, led to the equally silly "Say, Say, Say," a second duet which was accompanied by a ridiculously embarrassing video featuring Jacko and McCartney as traveling con artists. From what I understand, the two no longer speak. Good.

3. Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

Enough said.


Anne Francis

American Idol - do I really have to say more? Did the world really need Melisma-laden version of "The First Noel" by Clay Aiken? I didn't think so. (Author's note: Melisma is a singing term, which essentially means stretching one syllable of a word in a song to cover multiple notes and/or octaves. Current singer who use Melisma as a crutch include Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, etc. Many people today confuse Melisma-laden singing acrobatics as the hallmark of a good singer. I hate Melisma. Give me Aretha Franklin any day.....)

RUNNER-UP - Radio City Christmas Spectacular. There's nothing like a line of Rockettes dressed-up in Reindeer costumes to make you think "Christmas."


MOST CELEBRATED HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE

Nathan Cone:

Nat King Cole ¡V "The Christmas Song"

The Man only gave him 15 minutes on television, but Nat King Cole gave us the definitive recording of one of the warmest, fuzziest Christmas songs of the 20th Century.

Clarence Carter ¡V "Back Door Santa" ¡V from the album Soul Christmas (1968)

Santa's gone straight past the cookie tray, and up to the bedroom in this blues/soul classic. "They call me Back Door Santa/I make my runs 'bout the break of day/I make all the little girls happy/While all the boys are out to play." Another great line ¡V "Wouldn't ol' Santa be in trouble/If there ain't no chimney in the house?" That randy Santa. Bonus trivia: the horn line from this tune was sampled by Run D.M.C. for "Christmas In Hollis."

Astronaut Frank Borman ¡V Christmas Greetings from Space, December 24, 1968

On Christmas, I find the image of our fragile planet Earth as seen from space very moving. Astronaut Frank Borman did, too, as he read a passage from Genesis, and concluded his message from the crew of Apollo 8 by saying, "God bless all of you; all of you on the good Earth."

(editor's note: If you've never heard this recording, you should. ***UPDATE*** We located the broadcast. A transcription can be found here. We would also add that when we heard this for the first time, just earlier this year, we were deeply moved as well.)



Maxwell:

A. GENERAL HOSPITAL-Alan reads the Christmas story to the children at the hospital.Yearly, ABC

Here I am, outing myself as a huge freak again, but when I was young my mother watched all the ABC soaps, well except Loving, and during the Christmas break I would get to see the Christmas episode of General Hospital. I'm pretty sure it was a different character when I was younger, but whoever is the most senior at the hospital reads the Christmas story to the children at the hospital every year. In my childhood mind it was probably as essential a part of the Christmas ritual as church. When I was six or so I received a Fisher Price tape recorder for Christmas and recorded the General Hospital reading, then retaped myself playing the roles of all the children.

B. CHRISTMAS EVE ON SESAME STREET, Television Special, 1978

This used to be a yearly tradition in the Maxwell house as well, back in the "old school" days before VCR's we would all gather around the television once a year on the evening it was to be broadcast. Bert and Ernie engage in a "Gift of the Magi" present exchange involving a rubber ducky and a paperclip collection. Oscar asks Big Bird how Santa gets down all those skinny little chimneys if he is so wide, and for some reason Big Bird thinks that his own doubt will cause the entire universe to fall apart ending in total Christmas destruction. Miraculously the presents arrive anyway. How? I think Kermit's interview with unknown child #5 comes up with the most plausible answer, "Santa Sneaks in with the relatives on Thanksgiving and hides in the laundry until Christmas Eve."

C. JOHN DENVER AND THE MUPPETS, A CHRISTMAS TOGETHER, Album, 1979

Every year after the children's Christmas Eve mass, but before the cheese fondue, my parents would put this record, yes record, on. I love every single song on the album beyond reason. Rowlf sings a soulful version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that puts all others to shame.

(editor's note: We had this album, too. THis year the League not only got to share this album with a student from India, but had the pleasure of trying to explain what a Muppet was. We assume he knows what a John Denver is.)

Dedman

There can be no other answer than It's A Wonderful Life. Its message of hope withstands the test of even the most cynical of times. What effect does a single individual have on those around him, and what would happen if he was robbed of his existence? Whose lives would be affected? A stellar Christmas flick. From what I understand, it was a flop upon its first release, and it was only when it began appearing on television numerous times each Christmas season that it became the "celebrated" classic it is today. On a local note, one of the premieres of It's A Wonderful Life was held right here in Beaumont, Texas at the historic Jefferson Theatre. Jimmy Stewart and Frank Capra attended. Who knew?

Anne Francis

A Tuna Christmas - Joe Sears and Jaston Williams. By far the best of the "Tuna" trilogy - a series of plays regarding the fictional town of Tuna, Texas. If you are from Texas, chances are you'll see a relative on stage in the form of one of the brilliant characters Joe or Jaston play. And both men play all 23 characters on stage - women included. Very, very funny stuff.


So that's it, Leaguers!!!!

The contest draws to a close. A Merry Christmas to you all. You can do your darndest to enjoy your prizes whenever i get around to actually picking something out. But that's what post-Holiday sales are for.

Finally saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

My review: Whooo-hooo! Yay!

I am hobbit-drunk. We started at 8:30 yesterday watching Fellowship extended edition DVD. We ended our day at 11:30pm after ROTK. We took breaks to ship presents and get lunch and stuff.

I am no longer objective. Hobbitses. The hobbitses are everywhere. AGGGGHHHHHH.

But you know what? Sometimes I like movies better when I'm not dissecting them and can no longer see the forest for the trees. There's a time and a place for deconstructing every frame of a movie. For me, today is not that time. Today I like the LOTR movies. HURRAY!!!!

And Oliphants shall haunt me in my dreams...

Oh, and the Spider-Man 2 preview had me giggling out loud. Dr. Octopus is so ridiculous, he's perfect. I cannot wait.

THWIP!!!!!!

I have to be back at work on Monday. What a waste. The university is more or less shut down and nothing is happening.

This is going to keep me from sleeping tonight.

Please come on a little vacation to Melbotisland.

and just when you were concerned about what to get that cute little compassionate conservative in your family...

for Jimbo, on his 28th...

Just a little forewarning that The League will be heading to H-Town for Christmas and will not be updating until our return around the 1st of the year (Depending on how motivated we are, we suppose.).

Jim D. turns 28.

It's things like this which make me want to throw my hands in the air and give up.

The League does not know what this is. Does anyone have any info on this one?

We're that much closer to having a working android, my friends...

It's a Merry Christmas in DC Comics land.

Hi gang. Entries are in for the Holiday Contest. I'll probably be working on the reults over the weekend when I am not going through my 16 hour Lord of the Rings marathon, which I have promised my beautiful wife, Jamie. I guess this means that if you were just dying to enter, then you still can until the final entry is tallied.

hey, team... Get in your entries for the Holiday Media Extravaganza!

There will be prizes!

Today marks the 100th anniversary of flight.



also check this out

Sa-weeeeet.

But it's items like this which make me wonder what the alien archeologists will think when piecing through our trash heaps in 80 billion years...

The Dark Knight returns as a Dark Knight Returns action figure...

Tomorrow marks the final day to enter the Holiday Media Contest. Now, folks... I'm a little down about this. I have had only TWO entries. TWO!!! I am beginning to lose faith in Christmas, and I'm beginning to think 90% of my hits are, in fact, coming in from folks looking for pictures of Ann Coulter naked.


even a dark avenger of the night can take a few minutes out to enjoy Christmas. So what makes you so busy you can't enter the contest?

So if you want to help restore my faith in this little enterprise we call The Birth of Our Lord and Savior, then I ask that you, the Legion Members of the League, take a few minutes out and send in a submission. Rules for the Contest can be found here.

And there will, in fact, be prizes! Last time the winner got candy and a DVD I had laying around the house. So who knows what you could win? I have all KINDS of things laying around the house.

How I remained unaware of this previously, I do not know.

Hobbits + Nimoy = Pure Magic

Good story here on organ donation.

Kids, if you want me to get on my soapbox, this is the topic. Sign up and be ready to give up your eye-balls when you're called to merge with the infinite. Make sure you let your loved ones know you'd like your parts re-used, because unless they agree to it, they're going to throw all those useful parts into an incinerator.

There would be no Mrs. Steans if not for organ donation, so I'm kind of a fan of the whole idea.

Sign up.
Tell your family.
Try to keep your parts in working order.

It's going to be a Batty Christmas

So my Mom is nice to a fault. I mean, really. She has no system by which she decides people must be jerks, so she pretty much is friendly with everyone. Where most people have a filter which says "okay, that guy is weilding a meat cleaver and has a human head in his hand," my mom would tell him what a nice, clean cut he made taking the head off. It's only later that she will tell you that maybe that person is a little creepy.

Which makes things interesting at Christmas. Because The Kare-Bear pretty much invites anybody looking wild-eyed and dangerous into our household for Christmas dinner. Hence, the Steans family Christmas dinner, for the past several years, has had somebody who is pretty much a stranger at the table. I've learned not to question it too much, to mostly just grit my teeth and get past the whole thing by lubing up the brain with plenty of "Box O' Wine".

This year an entire family I am pretty much utterly unfamiliar with is going to be there for Christmas Dinner. Which is fine. We will have "Box O' Wine" on hand, and I will just keep it flowing until it's dried up and these people seem completely reasonable.

I'm not terribly shy. I do fine at work, and I do fine at the doctor and in meeting people... but I basically realized in my third year of college that I have absolutely nothing to say to most people unless I am given a topic. Work is great. The weather and sports are great. I shake my head a lot, laugh when there's an appropriate place to do so, and try not to freak out the squares. But new people in the house make me insanely uncomfortable. I feel like jumping out of my skin and hiding in the bathroom until the danger has passed.

The fact is, I moved out of my parents' house ten years ago, and as much as I'd like to feel like their house is my house, it isn't. It's their house to fill with their friends as they see fit. Which puts me in a curious position, because like most people who have parents, I am still thought of as "the kid" the second I step through their door. I'm not really a guest (I know where to find spare rolls of toilet paper), but it's also not my territory to protect. This standing means I should show some filial piety and shut the hell up about my discomfort surrounding whichever whackos are going to be telling me weird (and often racist) jokes over a plate of cranberry sauce.

My Mom tells me she likes a house full of people, and I assume she means "give me grandkids, you loser." But I have no plans, and I think kids smell like old syrup, so I'm in no rush. So until, I guess, my brother figures out a way to find somebody willing to have children with him, we are doomed to an endless cycle of folks willing to take advantage of my mom's hospitality.

***UPDATE****

boy, in rereading this, sounds like I have a nasty case of social anxiety disorder. Thank God for sweet, sweet liquor.

Happy V-Saddam Day, America!

Turn on your speakers and prepare for the abso-ludicrous.

Thanks to Jim D. for this one.

Here's an article on Alex Ross, comic artist and unwitting provider of art to this site. Alex's work is covered in the new book, Mythology, which, yes, i already have. Read a review of Mythology here.

View Alex's Superman to your left.
<----------------------------------------

Alex's vision of the Justice League is seen directly above.

Jamie is curiously interested in the original run of Battlestar Galactica.

Last night we finished watching the two hour pilot (which I am a bit sad not to have enjoyed more than I did), and Jamie said, "well, what happens next?"
"They kind of fly through space."
"Okay."
"On adventures."
"So do you want to watch another one?"
"We have six two-sided discs of this stuff to get through."
"And then they find earth?"
"No."
"No?!!!"
"No. We'd have to find the TV movie they made called Battlestar Galactica 1984 or something."
"What?"
"Show got cancelled. So they never made it to earth."
Which I think Jamie found profoundly disturbing. TV viewers didn't care enough about whether or not the voyagers of Battlestar Galactica made it to earth, and so, in a way, the characters were left to kind of float around in space.
"But they made it there in the TV movie," I assured her. "But I don't think it's out on DVD yet."
"So what the hell do they do in between?"
"Have adventures," I concluded. "And stuff."
You never really know what the hell is going to turn Jamie's crank, which makes it difficult to anticpate what she's going to like or dislike. She'll watch Battlestar Galactica reruns on DVD, and then turn around and watch The OC, and follow it up with an half hour of Headline News. Either wide interests or a complete lack of any interests, I guess.

On a completely unrelated topic, Jim, who has been SERIOUSLY busy blogging of late, took some time out to point to The League and post an entry to our little Holiday Contest, for which I am eternally grateful. While you're there, check out his comments on recent Supreme Court Decisions and other legal brou-ha-ha.

Hey,

DEADLINE FOR THE HOLIDAY MEDIA EXTRAVAGANZA IS DECEMBER 17TH!!!!! GET YOUR ENTIRES IN ASAP!!!!

rules can be found by clicking on the link on the left
<---------------------------------------------------------------

Send entries to Melbotis's e-mail!

Happy Holidays, Leaguers.

oh... Holy Cow....

I did have something to say today, and I was being crabby, so I forgot.

Congratulations to Randy of RHPT.com! He got engaged to his longtime love, Emily, while in Vegas. The League has been aware of RHPT.com's plans for sometime, but decided this was not the place to break the news.

So, way to go, RHPT.com! I am sure it will be a Super Wedding.

I have nothing to say today. I need more coffee and to watch less TV.

Shall I risk alienating my mother forever by getting her the life size bust/ replica of Dr. Doom's head for Christmas?



Dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmm...

Being in the spy business is tough, according to the movies. I mean, you get to be dead sexy, wear cool clothes, get trained in sci-fi style martial arts and go to cold looking places in Europe a lot and an occasional Troipcal paradise (although that paradise will always be run by someone nefarious).

The problem with being a spy, I have learned, is that when things go bad, instead of just KILLING you the way they should, the Company tends to block your memory and release you into the wild.

From what I can tell, the latest Affleck movie entitled "Paycheck" is one of this particular slice of the "amnesia" spy genre. I am certain the trend has been going on for 50 years, but I'm a little slow on the uptake and just noticed. More amazing is that somehow the fact that Matt Damon was in "The Bourne Identity" just last year somehow escaped Affleck. Since we're led to believe Matt and Ben are such good chums, one would assume that Ben might have noticed his buddy just made this same movie. Especially since, according to IMDB, there's a sequel to "The Bourne Identity" in the works. Not so! Instead, our Christmas present from Affleck is the same dopey sweater we got last year.

As far as I can tell, "The Long Kiss Goodnight" may have helped spark this trend, but I am probably wrong. After all, there are a lot of shades of this sort of idea in "Total Recall."
So, if anyone else can think of any movies in which someone must tediously figure out who they are or what has been happening to them for the past few years, please send me an e-mail. I will compile all answers and report out. TV shows, books, magazines, Christmas Pageants and all other forms of media are also acceptable for this report on amnesiac spies.

this is the sort of thing that is going to get me canned....

It's time to mark One's Calendar, as SuperheroHype! Reports.

December 15th marks the 25th anniversary of the theatrical release of the Richard Donner directed Superman film starring Gene Hackman and Christopher Reeve.

I can honestly say that two of my three earliest memories deal with seeing movies. The first memory is of seeing Star Wars and being totally terrified of the Tusken Raiders (a fear that Shmi Skywalker should have shared...). The second was of seeing Superman in the theater with The Old Man. I got a gumball machine for free for some reason at the theater and I remember being terrified when Lois Lane dropped in the big hole. The third memory is falling down a stairwell at the apartments we lived in but not telling anybody because I thought I'd get in trouble.

At any rate, Superman holds up pretty well even in the uber-ridiculous movie-going era we now live in. Krypton still holds no small amount of wonder in my mind, just as Glenn Ford's portrayal of Jonathan Kent is absolutely perfect.

And if you want to know why I love Superman. I mean, really, really love Superman... It's not just the exchange between Superman and the pimp when Superman first emerges, nor is it the look of wonder the crowd has as Superman flies into the air... nah, it's not that. Watch the entire helicopter rescue sequence, including the conversation between Lois and Superman after he's saved the day. Right after Superman is done talking to Lois, he kind of looks away, and he has this look on his face letting you know how great saving the day really is. That's what I love about Superman.

So go out there and find a copy of this movie. I can't recommend the DVD with all the extras nearly enough. It's all cleaned up and pretty, and they added in a few more extra shots to let you know how cool Superman can be as he's coming to take out Luthor. THe bonus materials will rock your socks off.



Oh boy, Jamie is never going to let me watch this movie again...

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope you and the reindeer and doing well. As Christmas is coming so quickly, I hope that you, the elves and Mrs. Claus are still taking time out to enjoy the Christmas Season for yourselves. It seems to me awfully sad that you cannot ever enjoy this time of year for yourselves, but I suppose it's better than having Mrs. Claus's parents and siblings hanging out and ruining a nice, quiet Christmas.
This year I have been ever so good. I have tried to think of what I have done this year that would get me on the "naughty" list, and I'm drawing a blank. Well, I will admit to finding new and creative obscenities to use on the freeway, but I do not think anyone can ever hear me, and I find shooting the bird to really be a last resort. There was also that incident with the javelina and the staple gun, but if there are no witnesses, is it really a crime?
So, Santa, I believe this is the portion in which I make my list of what I would like for Christmas. We've dispensed with the small talk, and I've stated my case for my goodness.

This year, I would like:

1) A sweater. Every year I ask for a sweater and (I guess because I live in the south) everyone thinks I'm kidding. But this is year #4 I've asked for a sweater, so I am beginning to think the people in my family are just jerks. So a sweater would be nice. Why do I want a sweater? Santa, even chubby guys get cold. I own three sweaters and two of them are either threadbare or kind of dopey. So just a nice sweater, maybe a BLUE sweater would be nice.

2) A rocket kit. Now Santa, I know you're going to immediately remember the incident with the fire in the trashcan. Okay, BOTH of the fires in the trashcans. And maybe the richocet incident with the BB gun. And you're going to remember the thing with the circular saw (which is why we keep receipts, isn't it?). But Santa, I was watching those guys on Discovery Channel, and if they can do it, so can I. Right? Okay, maybe it'd be best if I didn't get a rocket.

3) Some hardcover Superman Archives editions from DC. Now these things are crazy expensive, but they're of really nice quality and a lot of fun to read, and we think reading is good, right? Aw, screw it. I know it's not really reading, too.

4) Superman Seatcovers. Now I remember when Jamie said "Hey, no way in hell am I sitting on those," but Santa... Jamie got over the blue and red room, and she got over the KRYPTO license plate. Surely she will adapt to these as well, right, Santa?

5) A Fokker Dr.I Dreidecker, painted red and fully armed. You know why. And hey, it will make next year easier as next year I won't bug you as surely what I have planned will keep me off the "good" list for next year...

And that's pretty much it, Santa. I know you will see it in your heart to do what's best. and by what's best, give me what I want without simultaneously providing me a method by which to severely injure myself. Same as when i was five and wanted my own lawn mower.

Merry Christmas, Santa. Rap with you next year.

Your pal,

R.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Comics Continuum says: Sources tell The Continuum that the third season of the show might be called Justice League Unlimited. The season will feature many new characters, although Martian Manhunter will remain a key character.

Among the characters apppearing next season will be Captain Atom, Red Tornado, Atom, Black Canary and Green Arrow.

Hey,


Me, Wildcat and Green Lantern are kind of wondering why nobody is sending in anything for the Holiday Heckstravaganza....


<--------------------------------------------------

Rules can be found over there under Superman.

Apparently, I am "irksome."

Leaguers, I can't say enough about R.O.T.O.R.

R.O.T.O.R. was filmed in Dallas in 1989, but you'd think it was, at the latest, 1982 from the look of the film. It's a weird and extremely poorly planned knock-off of Terminator/ RoboCop, I guess. It's hard to say what it's a knock-off of, because, really, R.O.T.O.R. is more or less a knock-off of many better knock-offs involving a dude who is supposed to be a robot. Maybe Heartbeeps? It's difficult to say.

Last night R.O.T.O.R. played on some movie channel I have simply called "Action", I believe, and while I have seen R.O.T.O.R. all the way through before, I could not stop myself from watching it yet again. Beyond any allusion to the collision of any automobile or even a freight train accident, this movie defies all expectations for utter and complete low-budget crappiness. And for some reason I simply could not shake the feeling that the producers of this movie had played just waaaaayyyy too much Dungeons and Dragons. Although the film has not a single allusion to swords and mysticism, those who have been around folks who play too much D&D will know what I mean. It's a genre I like to refer to as "White Trash Sci-Fi." Basic elements include
(1) a working knowledge of the world based upon science fiction/ fantasy novels including (but not limited to) an inflated sense of understanding of all sorts of science based upon principles learned in viewing Star Trek
(2) an emotionally crippling misunderstanding of basic male-female relationships. Usually resulting in bizarre dialogue for women and a perpensity for writer, director, producers to wear their personal fetish on their sleeve. (See Dr. Steele)
(3) a perpensity to quote from lofty sources both inappropriately and lacking any real context, but done so in order to somehow try to suggest their own work is of the same mind.

I can't do this movie any better justice here, and so I will simply provide Loyal Leaguers with some links in which they can read up on R.O.T.O.R.

An excellent synopsis and review is here.

a Yahoo! review is here.

A diatribe in which Captain Coldyron (I do not make this name up) is wrongly placed in Houston instead of Dallas (clearly shit like this happens in Dallas, but not Houston) can be found here.

UPDATE

Looking for the film's star, Richard Geisswein, actually turns up a hell of a lot of stuff about R.O.T.O.R.

Jill departed my house at 7:00am today, and I am a little sad to see her go. She's a cool chick, and with her living in Georgia, I imagine it will be quite a while until she graces my presence yet again.

I am wearing a Christmas tie today at work. It is adorned with puppies and presents, and I regard it as having no small amount of kitsch value, but I am fairly certain I am in on this joke all alone.

What shall I miss by not being in Austin during the Christmas Season?

1) Rainy, cold weather
2) Highland Mall's craptacular busy-ness
3) Garland, lights and wreaths crossing each block on Congress from South to North
4) The tree on the Capitol grounds
5) Getting boozy in the cold on Congress
6) The conical strings of lights conjoined to form a "tree" at Zilker
7) The trail of lights at Zilker
8) Hearing my brother bitch endlessly about not knowing what to buy anyone
9) The emptying of Austin as all the 20-somethings go home to their folks' places

Wanted to clear something up here.

It's League of Melbotis. Melbotis is NOT pronounced "Mel Bought Iss" or "Mel Bought Us". It is pronounced "Mel-boh-tus". The name came from Mel's original owners who thought good names for a dog could include "Melba" and "Otis" and combined them into "Melbotis".

Look, i didn't name the dog, i just feed him.

A little something from Shoemaker.

now that's a shame...

Jim's post on the many, many varieties of Texas license plates is worth taking a look at. Arizona has only a few sample choices, and all of them are pretty dumb. The standard license plate is blue, pink and purple to reflect the desert sunset. Boy, there's a color scheme which works on a lot of cars.

Jim asks that I recommend some topics for license plates. In all seriousness, I don't think the license plates memorializing 9/11 or calling for patrotism are silly, but as the ever increasing number of flags on everything (including boxes of Corn Flakes) threatens to turn our national symbol into wall-paper, I do prefer the simplicity of the "Enjoy Texas Music" license plate. There's nothing wrong with any of the license plates, and their design is generally pretty good. I guess my recommendation is to know when you've crossed the line to being untasteful. One flag license plate = ok. one flag license plate + 2 flags hanging off windows + 4 flag stickers doesn't make you more patriotic. It means you look like you just left a parade, Uncle Sam.



Do I have any additional suggestions? Not really. Barbara Jordan? LBJ? Tommy Tune? Hank Hill? Indeed, what makes a Texan great enough to earn a place on a license plate?

Hopefully it's something more than what it takes to be the model for the silver silhouette girl on truck mudflaps.

My high school chum Jill Hermann-Wilmarth, whom I have not seen in more than 5 years, is staying with us out here in the desert while she attends a conference in Scottsdale. Jill is all grown up and is teaching at Univ. of Georgia and earning her PhD in, uh... you know, she told me, but it sounded complicated. Something to do with education. Anyway, she's still an A#1 gal, and I couldn't be more pleased to have her taking up space in our guestroom.

They are showing all the Christmas specials this week. Charlie Brown Christmas was on last night, and, indeed, gave me my first real taste of Christmas Fever. THanks, Sparky.

I would take this opportunity to remind everyone to prepare your entries for the Holiday Heckstravaganza. Rules and Regulations are posted in the left-hand column below Superman.

...and just when you thought we couldn't get any stupider...

Jim noted that his site is devoid of any "Hello Kitty" or "Sanrio" characters in his note about Randy's site.

Folks, this can change. Go to Jim's site and petition him for a one day celebration of all things Sanrio.



Jim was also kind enough to e-mail me an archived e-mail he had from UT's now defunct "Roller Skate Party".

THE FOLLOWING IS A TOP SECRET MESSAGE FROM THE ROLLER RINK:
>
> editor...
>
the rollerskate party international would like to re-extend our challenge to all other candidates in the upcoming student government elections to a knock-down drag-out game of four square on the west mall next tuesday at 12:50. we made this challenge publicly today, february 19, at 1:00 p.m. on the west mall. we at the rollerskate party international all agree that far better than a snoozer of a debate, an action packed game of four square would help voters decide who truly is the candidate most deserving of their vote. if any of you aren't too yellow, show up at the west mall with nothing but your four square shoes on and get ready for the rollerskate party to represent all over your stuffed shirt asses.
>
> we are also sending a copy of this message to the daily texan to invite all students to attend, and if they so desire, to join in the four squares of fun.
>
> oh, and one more thing. to all of you "smart" candidates....
> we know you've been tearing down our propaganda, and we want you to issue a public apology or we are going to tell everyone what a bunch
of chowderheads the "smart" party really are. thats not a threat. its a promise. you have three days.
>
> thats all for now. see you suckas at the west mall....
>
> love,
>
> rollerskate crew
>

Truly, this is democracy in action....

Thanks to Jim for the shout out.

Jim's reporting on the Bombs Over Baghdad frat party fiasco at UT has led to him relating a byzantine and very UT'ish plotline.

In reading it, I wonder what became of the hilarious and oft-inebriated "Roller Skate" party from UT circa 1998. (They ran on the premise that President Faulkner was hording hundreds of thousands of roller skates in the upper floors of the UT Tower, and were demanding the release of the roller skates.) They appeared at an actual televised debate for student council completely lit, and proceeded to (unintenionally?) deconstruct the student council debate until it was drunk hipsters v. confused and angry wanna-be anchorlady v. unamused resume padders. I wish I'd taped it. Funniest thirty minutes of TV ever shown on UT's useless TV channel.

Turkey Day Weekend in Review, 2003:

The Texas Longhorns, to nobody's surprise (but that of Reed T. Shaw), were victorious over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies this year, clinching a #6 in BCS standings and coming close to securing some sort of chance for a real bowl game this year. Let's not screw it up, Longhorns.

But, of course, the Dallas Cowboys lost.

Turkey dinner went well. I managed to maintain my vegetarian diet through Thanksgiving dinner and also a wedding reception. No meat for this boy. So very dizzy...

Jamie's cousin Jeff got married to his longtime lady-friend, Shelley, sometime back in August. They got married in Hawaii, and so had a very nice official ceremony here in Phoenix where family could attend, and followed with a reception at a country club somehwere out in the mountians. I was terribly out of place among the golf-set, but I could get used to country club life. I just need to make another $300K a year and learn what the holes are for in golf courses.

In 1989 I, and a few friends, forcibly took the 14th hole at the Spicewood Golf Course in Austin. It was freezing out and we wanted to play football there, and so we bombarded the golfers with gourds we found growing on the bottom of the hill. I am sure it was the most alarming golf game ever played on that course. Long live the heroes of Gourd Hill.

Played and lost a few rounds of the surprisingly un-geeky table-top game "Settlers of Catan". I needed clay. Clay and wood. Curse you unlucky dice rolls!

Last night I met with my group from my class. We're doing a project and will be presenting a week from today. In the usual chatting that occurs off-topic, one of the girls remarked upon how she knew I was from Texas, and how her boyfriend was travelling to Waco for a month on business and started asking me some general questions about Waco, but I was honestly a little hard-pressed for answers, not having ever lived in Waco. But what alarmed me was when she told me how she knew how racist Texas was, and as a precaution, her boyfriend, who has a Spanish surname, would be travelling under a pseudonym in order to avoid any discrimination.

"That's, uh... that's completely unnecessary," I insisted.
"Well, you know, we know how it is out in Texas."
And it really, really bothered me that this is the reputation the state I consider home has somehow garnered. So danergous is the place considered to be, so racist, that people coming in from out of state believe they must travel under a false name in order to do business and avoid discrimination. But with cities like Vidor and cases like that of James Byrd, is it really any wonder?, I asked myself.
But the truth, which i did not share with her (and probably should have) is that these "good 'ol boys" (as she referred to her boyfriend's clients) will be ultimately more suspicious of a 20-something kid from California coming to wheel-and-deal with them than anyone not of anglo appearance or heritage.
But who knows...? Waco is it's own place, and has people of many mindsets, just like anywhere else. Sure, it's got the Baylor influence, or the influence has Baylor (you decide!), but assuming conservativism equates with racism is, at it's best, silly and in no small way discriminatory in itself.
Texas is a vast place geographically, ethnically and culturally. To assume Beaumont holds to the same norms as Austin or Abilene, South Padre, Dallas or El Paso is a pretty bold assertion. Let alone Waco, which sits at the epicenter of the Texas Bible Belt and is large enough yet to accomodate hundreds of thousands of points of view.
But Texas is huge, legendary for it's orneriness in the minds of outsiders. In it's way, Texas is like unto California in a mythical sense. No movie stars here, but isn't it a place run by bible thumpers and cowboys and outlaws, too? Yeah. Sure it is. But that's half the fun now, isn't it? It can live up to the legend and still be a place where that accomodates a million off-shoots of the sterotypes. Hippie cowboys and outlaw politicians running for governor... And why is football so all-encompassing from August to January?
Can you tell today I'm feeling a bit misty for the Lone Star State?
God Bless you, Texas. For you never fail to surprise nor to live up to surpass the dourest of expectations. And you always do it in the most ostentatious way possible.
Man, i need to get back to Texas, just for a little while.

I saw Master and Commander yesterday. Here is my review:

I now feel hopelessly less manly and significantly more land-locked. I should have seen Love Actually to reinforce my false sense of superiority.

while growing more Lex-like in appearance, Reeve demonstrates Super-human will power and becomes a cyborg.

greetings, Leaguers!

Well, Turkey Day comes round tomorrow. Get out your pilgrim hat and find a can of cranberries, because it's that magical time of the year.

I hope each and every one of you enjoys a Super Thanksgiving, and remember... Jell-O pudding cups emptied into a pie crust is not a real desert.


Thanks to Powergirl's poorly designed costume, Superman can think of a a couple of things he's thankful for

Have a happy Turkey Day, and don't forget to watch the Texas Longhorns triumph over the lowly Texas A&M Aggies on Friday at 2:30 CST.

BUSTED

In good faith, i try to keep up with the blogs of all those inked to The League. But as Jim D. has been slacking since the summer, i've only occasionally been checking in with his blog.

Turns out I got some very nice words said about me in the pages of Jim's blog, and I did not note them. You can read them here yourself. It's in the end bit of this posting.

Thanks to Denby for reminding me why i do not work out.

These pictures are totally gross. If you look at them, it's your own problem, you sick bastard.

here and here

In response to my Holiday Heckstravaganza, Nathan Cone of San Antonio, Texas writes:

So, I have a question about your contest. What would you define as the difference between "essential" and "celebrated?" I can think of some things that are essential but not celebrated, but not much that is celebrated but not essential, unless you count album sales as celebrated. In that case, the "celebrated" New Kids On the Block "Merry, Merry Christmas" is NOT essential.

Good point, Nathan.


I want to punch each of them in their smug little face, too

I could try to spell out what I meant by celebrated, but, kids... this is a good time to point out that I am looking for PERSONAL stories and anecdotes about why these Holiday performances, media, etc... are important to you, the legion members of The League.

In short, let's think about why YOU would celebrate a performance, enough to write a few words about it. Keep in mind, I am not so much judging by the actual quality of the show or performance, but by what you have to say about it.

So get those creative juices flowing. We have less than a month before the contest wraps up.


Last year's grand prize winner, Alfie LeBott, receives a prize for his essay on "Neil Diamond - The Christmas Album"

The post below was up for all of 7 minutes before RHPT.com protested not getting a mention. So here I mention The Amazing Randy.

Jim noted that I did not mention that he had mentioned The League on his website. Therefore, I am mentioning his mention, yet note how infrequently the mentions I make are mentioned. But now he has mentioned the League TWICE in the past week, which puts his mentioning above my own.