My Mom (The Kare Bear) is having back surgery this morning. I'm feeling a little stressed. She has really bad scoliosis, and they need to straighten her out so that when she's a little old lady, she's not shaped like a "v".



Anyhoo, they say she will take like a month to recover enough to even be mobile. Given the Kare Bear's usually hyper kinetic demeanor, this should be fun for The Old Man. The Old Man is taking time off from work to tend to the Kare bear, which should be interesting, because The Old Man finally merged with his job and became the Voltron of Finances for an oil company a few years ago. He may be a bit defenseless without his laptop and stat sheets.

I hope to get to Houston soon. In fact, I should probably buy tickets today. I need to be there, but my folks basically told me to not come, but it took me a long time to realize it was not a passive-aggressive attempt to get me to be there.

Brother Jason will go, then Cousin Sue. Then last but not least, shall be me. So hopefully I will be able to entertain The Old Man and put a smile on Recoverin' Kare Bear's face.

Anyone willing to wish my mum a "get well soon" may send her a message via Mel, and Mel will compile them for her.

Breakin' and poppin' with Pope John Paul

It's reasons like this that I'm almost embarassed to live in a democracy...

You never saw Stalin feeling he had to claim the Joementum.

More TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE...

There's nothing really wrong with this, it's just kind of funny.

TOYS THAT SHOULD NOT BE

Thanks to Jim for this entry: Giant, adorable microbes

ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT

Killer Croc has been located. You may end your searches now.

THanks for all the hard lookin'.

Popeye turns 75.

Popeye cartoons don't run like they did years ago on TV. I used to watch a lot of Popeye, and several months ago I remember talking to Jamie about Popeye, and she was utterly baffled.

"The Jeep. You know, the Jeep?"
"The car?"
"No, the Jeep! I think they actually named the car AFTER the Jeep. I loved the Jeep when i was a kid."
"No idea."
"And the Sea Hag and that weird thing which ran around after Popeye..."
"Wasn't he just a sailor?"
"Popeye? Well, he was that and so much more..."
"I remember Bluto and Olive Oyl."
"Well, sure."
"I don't remember any Sea Witch."
"It was a weird show. i think that thing was called 'a Goon'."

So let's all wish Popeye a happy birthday, and thank him for letting us know that when we're down, all you need to do is look yourself in the eye and remember "I yam what I yam."
Now go eat some spinach for Popeye.

Godspeed, oh Captain, my Captain!

CNN is running a banner ad telling people they can get 3D glasses and see 3D images of Mars (which looks suspiciously like Southern Arizona). But when you go to their site, it leads to a kiddy craft site which REALLY tells you the secret is to have blue and red cellophane.

Bullsh**t!

I don't have blue and red cellophane! Who the hell has blue and red cellophane? Aaron Brown can stick his blue and red cellophane up his blow-dried (censored due to the League's Mom Friendly content rule)!!!!!!

Jim writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Are we just subject to the whims of the fates, or is there free will?

Dear Jim

Mel think about question and he puzzle over for many hour. But Mel think that Mel wake up when radio come on in bedroom, and Mel cannot go potty until alarm go off in bedroom. And Mel not able to open glass door to backyard. So mel must wait for chubby boy-man to open back door. Once in yard, Mel may go pee pee, or Mel may lay in grass and chew on foot. And sometime Mel allowed into house all day where mel sleep on couch, and other time, Mel not allowed on couch. And still other time, Mel stuck outside. But never Mel decision. mel suspects correlation between rain and sunshine, but not quite figure out yet.
Sometime chubby man say "get your fat ass outside!", but Mel just stand and stare at him until chubby man say "Oh, screw it. Now you're stuck inside."
But inside and outside, mel know he have rule to follow. But sometime Mel cannot help Melself, like when Mel inside too long and must pee. mel must pee on carpet. othertime, mel outside and stupid neighbor dog bark at fence, so Mel bark bark bark bark bark until neighbor dog go away. Then cubby man stick head out door and say "Mel! Knock it off, man!" But then stupid neighbor dog coem jump up fence and bark bark bark so Mel bark bark bark... stupid neighbor dog. THen chubby man stick head out door and say "All right, smart guy... get in here!" and Mel must go inside.
Stupid cat does whatever cat want and nobody seem to care.



Jim also writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Is this as good as it gets?

Dear Jim,

Sometime after Mel been dirty for long time, chubby man comes around and says "Get in the tub." And then he point at tub, so I get in tub, and then it kind of wet and cold and slippery, but when Mel come out, Mel is wet. So then white lady is screaming "get outside! get outside!" and chubby man laughs and laughs and laughs. And then Mel wet for a while. But then warmsunshine dry mel off, and man shows up with brushy thing, gives Mel treat and brush Mel, and that as good as it gets.

Okay, confession time, Leaguers. I collect action figures. I know. It's totally nerdy, but it's my obsession and it falls in with me being an even bigger nerd than just a comic collector.

Sigh. Okay. Everyone cool? No.? Shut up.

because I need your help.

I can't find frikkin' Killer Croc anywhere. He's a Batman villain, and Mattel recently released a toy of Killer Croc, but due to the way the toy industry works, Croc has been "short packed". This means that if a store gets a crate of Batman toys, it will have, like, 5 "Fightin' Ninja" Batmans, 5 "Neon Pantsuit" Batmans, 4 "Undersea Clambake" Batmans, and then one "Killer Croc". Apparently only collectors buy the villains, so toy companies short change the stores in every box. This sounds like hogwash to me. I had every Imperial Trooper I could get my hands on when i was a kid. I think they're mistaking dumb, lame villains not selling for villains not selling. Anyhow, end rant...

Here's what Killer Croc looks like. If you see him, let me know. Finding Mr. Freeze was next to impossible, but I did it. I know if we work together, Killer Croc is mine!!!!!

You know, sometimes it's just easier to just put down the crackpipe than get taken in by things like this...

An attorney i know tells me two of his clients were busted using this self-same device.

Bird Bird Bird, she drops the F-Word! On NAZIS!!!!

thanks to Jim.

Powell's admission here is something which makes him all the more human, and we must love him for it.

I, too, once hated the French. But then along came my own personal Frenchman. His name was Abtine, and he was a very confused Frenchman newly arrived to the United States. I hired him as a student worker (despite the fact he had shown up at my office by mistake while looking for a job at a completely different university office).

"I like the cut of your jib, Frenchy!" I told him. "And you don't smell as bad as advertised!"
Abtine had no idea what i was talking about, just smiled politely and took the job.
"Your people are a smelly, diagreeable people!" I told him.
"Oh?" he would say.
"Yes! Smelly and disagreeable. Yet they make a nice Statue of Liberty, and I enjoy croissants! Explain!"
"I do not know!"
"We'll figure it out together, Frog-man!"
And so we did.
And I came to love my little Frenchman, so full of the joie de vivre was he!
When he went home, he brought me back a nifty snowglobe of the Eiffel Tower. I had provided him with a portrait of him that he could show to his mother.
"Notice the baguette in one hand, Frenchy! And the glass of wine in the other! I've also added a curly mustache, although you do not have one."
"Perhaps I should grow one."
"I think we'd all like that. Get to it."
We gave Abtine a new nickname as "Frenchy" only partly covered who he really was, and so he became "Titine (Tee-Teen), the Frenchman."
Titine came to love this wonderful country of ours, and I came to understand not all Frenchman are smelly ingrates. Especially not my Titine. I miss him so.

when students fail to grasp the concept of tenure...

Randy Writes:

Why would Superman need a supermobile? Isn't he already super without a car? I can understand Batman's need for a batmobile and a batplane, but Superman? Isn't a Supermobile just plain redundant?


-Randy

Why, yes Randy. I actually had a toy of the Supermobile when I was a wee tot, and I asked myself these very same questions... And I remember my brother saying "Dummy..." (He always started with "Dummy"). "Dummy," he said, "What if he has to fly into an asteroid field full of Kryptonite?"

Ahhhhh...., I thought. Bullshit.

Anyway, it seems Corgi toys wanted to make a Superman themed toy, but they did pretty much just vehicles. So they thought up something Superman could use, because a car seemed REALLY impratical for the Man of Steel. What I remember about the tiny toy is that it had little chormed fists that shot out with the push of a button. Ah, the Supermobile.

Thanks again to Jim for yet another Sci-Fi'd vehicle posting. May the force be with you on the 101.

One wonders if I actually bought Superman seat covers, what else I would need to do to turn my car into the Supermobile?

For those about to rock New Hampshire, we salute you. See, the League's candidate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, should have gotten the Isley Brothers to do something for his delirious concession speech. Oh, and Charlie Brown...

Once again, the President has personally inconvenienced me and those close to me. Jamie cannot go to her doctor's sppointment today because the Secret Service is shutting down the area near her hospital because Bush is speaking at the Community College down the street.

What next, Mr. President? What diabolical scheme will you launch to slightly inconvenience us next time?

The semester kicked off for me in two ways yesterday. Yes, I work at a University, so I still think in terms of semesters and summer break and whatnot.

We launched somewhere in the nighborhood of 45 classes yesterday with quite a few students enrolled in our online programs. I am now managing not just my usual team of three full-timers, co-managing a few others, and lording over my my three student programmers, but I have also taken on 8 studio techs and I need to hire one or two more. (if anyone knows anybody who is available from 7:30-1:30, TTh, Arizona time, I'd appreciate a shout).

Wow. I am full of power. And I still do my own photocopying!

I also began the second course of my masters program. Hoo-ahhh... Busy day. Anyway, at least I know two people in my masters class and they're both people I liked from my previous course. Now let's see if I learn anything.

Jim has forwarded me the image of the coolest minivan EVER. We all need our own personal Galileo.

the crosswalk sign at University and Forest in Tempe says "Walk Light is on." But if you aren't listening closely, you'll think it says "Walk like a dog."

Also, the guy who played Sam in Lord of the Rings is the son of Gomez Addams. We live in a strange, funny world.

Randy writes:

Dear Mel,

Is it better to have love and lost than to not have loved at all?

Dear Randy,

Mel have pondered question for long time and now ready to answer. But before Mel answer, Mel consult many around him. Chubby man-boy thing say "Who is a good boy?" to Mel. And Mel say "Mel!" And he ask again "Who is a good boy?" and I say "MEL!!!!!!" and he say, "You are, Mel! You are a good boy! Now have a milkbone." and I know that chubby man-boy thing love me.

And I ask stupid dog next door "what is love?" and dog say "bark bar bark bark I am stupid bark bark bark".

So I ask cat, and cat say "Jeff love many thing. Jeff love blanket, stuffed hippo, cushion on couch and anything Jeff can get paw on." So Mel sleep with one eye open.

So Mel ask white lady "What is love?" and lady say "who is good boy?" and I say "MEL!" and she say "Good boy! Shake!" and Mel give her paw. And that seem okay. So then Mel think, white lady and chubby man-boy thing put Mel in jail not so long ago, and nobody there but many stupid dog who bark bark bark, and that kind of sucked. So no love, Mel think like laying on cement and having to listen to stupid dog bark bark bark all day. And Mel not sure when he escape, but Mel does, and then all better.

For cat, no love mean being chased away from cushion or pillow or blanket, and then maybe no love at all better.

So, Randy, if by love, you mean love blanket and pillow and stuffed hippo, then mel say, better never to love at all.

Jim Lee takes over art chores on Superman with issue #204 beginning in April. Lee is responsible for the greatest selling issues of X-Men ever, as well as the tremendous "Hush" storyline in Batman from last year.

Supergirl's introduction continues in Superman/ Batman #9 in April. I love Turner's art. I need to figure out what else the guy has done. (and, as my pal Erik "Zoomy" Zumalt pointed out, you can tell how crazy batman is by the length of his ears. Adam West... not so crazy...)

Maxwell writes:

Dear Melbotis,

My mother in law also writes an advice column. However, unlike your advice column, she has decided to let her other schizophrenic personalities join her in answering questions. I have noticed that your advice column is very successful, in some ways even more successful than my crazy mother in law's (and I mean "crazy" in the most endearing of ways. She does have three or four personalities, evidently.) own column. For instance, nobody writes to ask my mother in law for advice anymore, just one guy named Ryan who has been kind enough to send several questions. How does Melbotis manage to get so many questions? Also, can dogs be schizophrenic?

Thanks,

Maxwell

Dear Maxwell,

How to get so many question? Mel think that many people not have fulfilling life like Mel and need guidance. And Dr. Phil much more difficult to get hold of.

But how answer so many question tricky part. Mel have very busy schedule! First, Mel go outside and poo and then lay down in grass. Then Mel lay there all day until white lady come home and pet me on head. THen I bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Later, Mel eat and wag tail. Then chubby man come home and pet Mel on head. Then chubby man goes into closet and change pants which is sight to behold. Then Mel follow man around house until man find Mel toy and shake it at Mel face and say "Here's your damn toy. Now will you piss off so I can sit down for two minutes?" So Mel try to play with toy and drop it on chubby man until he play with Mel. This consist of Mel trying to remove teeth by gripping tightly to toy while chubby man lean backward.

Then Mel go outside and bark bark bark at stupid neighbor dog. Then white lady go to bed and Mel get milkbone and go outside.

How to keep schedule of answer question? Mel not sure, but it real pleasure. Also, cat is ghost writer.

Is dog schizophrenic? We not know.

Finally, an exercise show with people sharing my physique, but with no Richard Simmons!

Well done, pollsters. You saw this one coming a mile away.

It's not looking good for The League's candidate of choice, the Reverend Al Sharpton. We sincerely hope that the good Reverend is able to pull ahead in the late hours of voting/ caucusing (or whatever the hell those Iowans are doing). However, should the good Reverend flop in the primaries, we are also excited about the notion of the good Reverend appearing in a future installment of The Surreal Life, possibly with Carrot Top, Cameo and Jenny McCarthy. I can dream, can't I?

further evidence that the Microsoft lawyers don't know when they're acting like maroons...

Two new blogs we're linking to here at the League.

Big salute to Emily for her colorful entry into the mind-boggling world of public journaling. And also to Distorted Veracity, which Jim pointed me to, and who has more faith in Rick Barnes and Co then myself.

The League is feeling oddly uninspired as of late.

There is a cloud of professional doom hanging over The league's head which may be part of the consternation. Also, the fact that "Ask Melbotis" was lifted directly from "Ask Zelda" over on Maxwell's page seems more than a little disingenuous.

I went to sleep at 7:30pm on Friday after a very, very busy work week. 7:30! I haven't done that in years. Somehow on the way home it hit me that I was insanely tired. I came home, ate a sandwich (I don't even know where the sandwich came from) and sat on the couch looking at the TV, feeling awful "it's been thirty minutes, and I feel no less awful" I told myself. I looked at the clock. It had been 3 minutes.

"I'm butt-assed tired," I said to Jamie. "I am going to bed."

And then I slept for 12 long hours. Which was terrific, because I got up at 7:30 and felt totally great.

The weekend went okay. I saw a good movie. Jamie even watched Conan with me on DVD, and we took Mel out to the pseudo-park in our neighborhood.

All in all, very quiet. Very nice.

But tomorrow I am going into work even though the Federal holiday says I don't have to. Too much to do. The professional hammer threatens to drop.

I need to go to the dry cleaner, and I need to buy a black ink cartridge for my printer. And I need to clean my bathroom, which is just gross enough I don't even want to touch it with cleaning agents.

Oh, and I ordered a jacket from an online store for fat guys. Yeah, I'm 6'5" and fat. The Gap does not accomodate me, which I tell them every time I am waiting while Jamie selects jeans. And then the sales guy says "oh, we have big sizes!" and then tells me a size I wore last when I was 19. Then I threaten to eat the stupid sales guy's head. I measured myself today. I am just at 6'5"+ in Nikes and something like 27 inches from elbow to elbow when my arms hang comfortably. Which means I don't fit in airplane seats and must order from this dumb online company if I want so much as a windbreaker because the retail store doesn't carry winter accesories in Arizona. Which is dumb. Anyway, the jacket is marked as "delivered" according to the company's website, but I don't have the jacket, so it's totally ridiculous. We'll see how it pans out, but dollars to donuts, I end up getting screwed on this one.

whaaaaa....?

and a little something to hold you kids over the weekend.

Why, yes sir! That can you opened WAS full of worms!

I'm officially "the guy from out of state who won't shut up about his home state." As much as I loathed these people before, i am now one of their ranks.

I think it's that Texas has been my context for 20+ years, and Arizona is kind of... blah. Not much interesting happens here. Nobody is from here, nobody gives a damn about Phoenix as much as the proximity to Sedona, and for the most part, you get the feeling folks weren't that attached to the places they came from in the first place.

I find that, as not one interesting thing has happened since I moved to Arizona, I tend to have to use my past (ie, my stay in Texas) as a reference for all anecdotal points, evidence, storytelling, etc...

So, yesterday, someone was talking about textbooks in public education, and I mentioned how Texas doesn't allow for a proper explanation of evolution in it's textbooks for grades K-12 and the implication for publishers across the country. We drifted off to other topics (including a discussion about Giants, which was kind of fascinating), but somehow ended up on the planets, and were trying to figure out how big Mars is.

"Is it as big as Texas?" someone asked me, rather pointedly.

I kind of laughed, but it suddenly became very, very clear... everyone is sick to death of hearing about how things were in The Lone Star State.

Whether I like it or not, i am still in Arizona. THis fact is not going to change until something drastic occurs. But I also need to respect that for some reason, these people adore this place. And I need to quit looking backward and start looking more at this place and what it has to offer. Arizona is, and can be, many things. I may not like all of them, but I wasn't exactly Little Mary Sunshine about all that went down in Texas, either.

I will henceforth quit referring always to how "it's this way here, but in Texas...", ecause it's dumb and it doesn't matter what they do in Texas (even if it is better).

A cat owner writes:

Dear Melbotis,

How do you feel about cats? Have you ever met any?

Signed,
A cat owner

Dear A cat owner,

Mel not always live in smelly hot place. Long ago, Mel live with funny girls and they have many, many cat things. Mel would spend countless hour with funny cat things stare at him. Stare and stare. And then Mel go crazy and chase cat until Mel get tired and lay down and one day Mel move in with chubby-boy-thing and white lady. White lady sleeps alot and then gets fired and she is home alot. But not as much home as yellow cat who punch at my head and occasionally bite the tail. The cat stupid and bite the sleepy lady and the lady yell and flap hands and go "Jeff! You little bastard!" and the chubby man quit looking at flicker-box and laugh at lady and cat. Then I go outside.

Josh writes:

Dear Melbotis,

When is it okay to play with the lights off?

Sincerely,

Josh Lowry

Dear Josh,

This is toughy. Mel not absolutely sure when it okay. When mel in yard, sometime the light on and sometime the light off. Light on mostly in middle of day in yard, but at same time, light off in house. At night, outside, light off. In house, light on, until chubby-man-thing go to bed. Then light off. Lady sleep all time whether light on, off, flickering, music blasting or cat sitting on her head. When the light go off in house at night, man say "All right, pets. Time for bed." which is dumb, because bed is always there. No time for bed. So when light on in backyard mel run and run and runa nd run and bark at stupid neighbor dog. Bark bark bark. At night, light off in yard, and Mel run and run and run and bark bark bark. Not make much difference.
But Mel suspect something deeper lay at root of Josh question. So mel think and think and think and think and think and come up with nothing. So he think some more. And then he think how sad he not know and want a treat because when mel eat, mel happier. So Mel lay down and think about treat. But Mel think maybe you ask Mrs. Lowry when it okay, and if that not good, you ask Mrs. Lowry dad, because he know Don to be straight shooter. In fact, mel will forward question to Mr. Shannon Dad and tell him Josh ask and then he be very proud.

Molly writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Who was the nastiest villian you ever subdued?

Molly

Dear Molly,

As golden retriever, Mel tend to like everyone except stupid dog next door. Mel am genetically incapable of disliking anyone. When bad people, like small people in stroller go by, I bark bark bark, but I never get to them. Tiny people in strollers are not real people, so Mel is not liking them because they scream and poo on self. Also slightly larger small people who smell like syrup. Bleah!
Mostly I used to try to catch funny man who leave things in box in front of house, but due to fence, never got hold of him or man who steal smelly garbage.
No matter how much Mel would like to capture people, it not happen too often, but when i want revenge, i poop on carpet. If Mel had one person he could bring to justice, would be lady who take Mel temperature.

With Bush announcing today that we, as a nation, are once again spacebound, is there anyone who didn't think of this article?

FYI, kids... I have no idea if this movie will be any good or not, but I can tell you I will see it. Warner Bros. missed the boat by not doing something similar with The Blackhawks, and the look and feel is vintage Superman crazy robot.

C'est la vie. Any movie willing to put giant humanoid robots in it is a movie I want to see.

So it's Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow for my summer fun.

Christopher Reeve triumphantly returns to Smallville in his role as the mysterious Dr. Swann! If you didn't see his appearance last season, it was fantastic.

Couple of things...

I've added Molly's blog to the The League. If I remember correctly, she is in Japan, but as I do not know Molly, I do not know why she is in Japan. In fact, after hearing scary stories about working in Japan for half an hour on Friday, I feel kind of bad for Molly, but as she is somewhat unsinkable, nobody needs to pity her.

So check out Molly's blog. (and yes, Molly... I took quite a shine to the web-link on your blog...)

Speaking of friends of the Uncanny Dedman, RHPT surfaced yesterday sounding a bit glum. So check in on Randy and make sure the dude is okay. He has a wedding coming up, after all.

Thirdly, one of my bestest pals ever, Jeffrey Alan (Peabo) Peek, announced he was engaged yesterday. Engaged. My little Peabo is all grown up.

I don't really know the girl. I met her once in September, but she seemed like a swell dame, which may be reason enough to warn her off now. Anyhoo, I've known Jeff since 4th grade, we went to college together and the dude was in my wedding in one way or another. He's a square G and an all around decent guy. He's also a defense attorney in Austin, so he gives my brother a good run for his money. Adrianna is some sort of legal-thingy (a lawyer maybe... we were drinking... my memory is hazy here) at the Mexican Consulate in downtown Austin. Aside from that bit of information and the fact that she has a winning smile, the girl remains a bit of a mystery. So I wish Jeff "Peabo" Peek and Adrianna (sp?) the best of luck. Well, really, I wish Adrianna the best of luck, because she will now be legally bound to Peabo for the duration.

They don't make one big enough for our pal, Mel.

Jeff S. writes:

What is Heather's damage?

Sincerely, -Jeff

Dear Jeff,

mel am wondering same thing. Mel say "do something to me gently with chainsaw." Blowing up school with everyone inside is less funny now than in 1987 before mel was born. When Mel born, back in good old day of 1999, not much to do but go to Bryan house and pee on Jeff bed while jeff not around. Also, lick Jeff toothbrush to show how much we love Jeff. Many time I run in circle and then poop. Hurray! me will have treat and lay down. Mel not expecting so many question in first day.

Jamie asks:

Dear Melbotis,

If you were a superhero, what would your super powers be? Also, what are your secrets for keeping that striking figure of yours?

Jamie,

Mel not know why you send e-mail when I on tile while you sit on couch. You are mean for not let me on couch and I hate stupid you for no couch sitting. Stupid cat always on couch and get nice treat, but Mel on stupid tile. If Mel were Superhero mel have amazing power to open gate and go outside. Mel also would punch stupid neighbor dog in head. Stupid neighbor dog would not be so tough then.
Mel also think Jamie being disingenuous with last question and ask how Jamie keep amazing skinny-squirrel-like shape when Jamie not protecting house all day? Mel get only dry food once a day and chase ball. You eat bean dip. Also, mel have ability to rearrange molecules and change solids to liquids or gas.

Randy wirtes:

Dear Mel,

What's Ryan and Jamie Steans really like? Is the irreverant, off-beat humour Ryan presents in his blog merely a front for somethng more sinister? What kind of evil lie in their hearts?

Keep barking!

Randy

Randy,

Me am so glad you kick off Ask Melbotis! question column with serious intellectual challenge! Mel also impressed with inappropriate use of plural/ non-plural in your question. So! What am Ryan and Jamie really like? Ryan is like stinky recliner and Jamie is like big white squirrel with no tail. Hello! Where is the ball? Hello! But to point... am Ryan sinister instead off-beat humor? Where is ball? Hello, ball. Is treat time? Hello! Is man-chair and white squirrel sinister? Possibly. Sometime they go off to outer space and leave me in house or yard until sun come back down and then I bark bark bark bark and birds poop on tree. Good-bye.

Ask Melbotis!!!

hey, kids!

If earning a Melly isn't your bag, and you feel you have more questions than answers, Melbotis is now here to solve your riddles and fill in those troublesome gaps public education was unable to properly caulk up.

Romantic trouble? Difficulties in the workplace? Need help sorting out a thorny legal issue? Melbotis is your dog!



Mel has seen a lot of the world, and he's met a lot of people. And, honestly, he's got a lot of sage wisdom I can't utilize all for myself.

So, if you have a question and you don't mind seeing it printed in these pages with a full answer to your question, why don't you write to Melbotis? He'd love to hear from you and he'd love to expound upon the many, many topics of which he is an expert.

(disclaimer: Melbotis's answers come from the mind of a dog which thinks anything beyond the fence is outer space. Legal advice is for entertainment purposes only.)

In the wake of the Holiday Absoludicrous Media Contest, I have decided that maybe no prize is better than a dumb prize. or maybe not. Anyway, Marvel comics (home of Spider-man, Daredevil, Hulk and Captain America) has long given out the fabled "No Prize." It's essentially a prize for folks who spotted a mistake, could answer some trivia, etc... but they weren't going to win anything for it, just some recognition. Superman comics long handed out the "Baldies" which I assume were named after Lex Luthor's difficulties at the barber shop.

Henceforth, I am handing out "Mellies". To win a "Melly", all you need to do is answer trivia, point out where I'm wrong, or somehow otherwise earn the attention of the League for a few moments.

THe first Melly up for grabs goes to the person who first can tell me what the hell is going on in this photo.
(hint: it's great these guys show up before a crisis, but where are they afterward?)

Oh, we got in our new PC last night. It's kind of exciting. It was also really nice that, since we bought it from Dell instead of building something ourselves, the whole thing was pretty much ready to roll when we opened the box.

In a long list of questionable purchases, most recent was the comedy album by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. It's not that I really regret purchasing the album, it's more that the album makes me feel like I'm in 7th grade, wishing to god Mom doesn't bust in and hear all that filthy talk. This sort of thing used to be reserved for late night viewing of Eddie Murphy specials, Richard Pryor videos and the occasionally unsurfaced Redd Fox record.

We didn't use a lot of profanity in my house. In fact, "sucks" was not considered acceptable until i was in 9th grade. Mom broke the ice one spirng evening when, while on a phone call, I heard her say "I thought she was going to shit a brick." Well, from there the floodgates opened, and the Steans household has slowly become potty mouth central. We don't drop the F-Bomb, and taking the Lord's name in vain is still frowned upon (but will rarely actually illicit a verbal reprimand). But a lot of stuff that didnt fly when i was a tyke is now par for the course.

But of course, like most boys, I'd secretly had a pirate's vocabulary since about 5th grade. The switch flipped on and off at the presence of anyone resembling authority, and I only rarely got called on my vulgarities. In hgh school, somebody made the mistake of telling me "speak with the vulgar, think with the refined," which I took, wrongly, to give me free license to drop the F-bomb as frequently as possible.

And then in my second job in college, we had some modicum of restraint, but cursing wasn't exactly taboo at the Camelot Records. My third job in college might as well have been on a submarine, and the profanity flowed like fine wine. If you weren't emphasizing your point with the F-word, you weren't really trying to make a point. And so it went.

Saddest of all of this is how twisted the language of my beautiful wife has become since when we first teamed up. Now, it's like her super power is never running out of obscenities. It's really pretty funny, as it always is when otherwise very nice people blurt one out, and I've grown to find it endearing instead of just feeling guilty over my bad influence (Jamie insists she was like this before, but I remember a time... I remember a time...).

Things kind of came to a head in college in my screenwriting class. I was asked by several people who were reviewing my script to "please, please try to keep the profanity under control." And I felt a little bad, but not that bad. It was distracting them all from how incoherent the screenplay actually was.

The current job is certainly no place for profanity. In fact, slang of any sort kind of leaves about half the staff looking at you like you just walked off the moon. And that's fine. I reserve the blue talk for the freeway system and parking lots. I've found a well=placed Charlie Brown "Arrgghhhh!" usually gets my point across here in the office.

But Triumph... Triumph has managed to take it to a whole level I haven't been on in a long time, back before I decided being gross wasn't really funny anymore. I really wish I had a little jambox so i could hide on the other side of the bed and listen to the record, turning it off the second anyone walked in the room.

And I think that's kind of genius.

Now if any of you ever saw the hypnotically upsetting "TV Funhouse" which ran on Comedy Central around 2000-2001, you might have a pretty good idea what you'd be in for. I could go on and on about 'TV Funhouse," but the bottom line is that it just wasn't a show for everybody. Or, possibly, for anybody. It doesn't really matter how jaded you THOUGHT you were, because "TV Funhouse" had a little something to upset everyone.

And so it is with Triumph's new album. Anyway, go listen to it if you want to, you sick bastards, but don't say I didn't warn you...

Greetings, Leaguers.

It appears Superman will continue to fly high for a few more seasons on TV's Smallville and Justice League.
Now, Superman's Kryptonian canine companion, Krypto, is getting his own children's series.
Good news? I think so. Dogs with super powers should be much more prevalent on television. It will also be interesting to see how many folks suddenly realize why my license plate reads "KRYPTO".

I also heard that Alien Legion may be getting a 30 episode animated run. I loved this comic back in middle school, and I've been purchasing some of the recent collections from Checker and Titan press. For anyone who likes kooky aliens and gritty, tough action, you might dig this comic. It's the cat's pajamas. My hopes are high for the animated series.

Packers are out of the play-offs. My football season is unoffically over. I will still watch some of the Superbowl, but most likely I will not be very invested in it.

I am trying to draw to a close the conversation about art and it's value which has been percolating over on JimD's site. At some point you're debating. At some point, you're beating a very dead horse.

At some point I have watched just too many home improvement shows and decided that I, too, was a master carpenter. Growing up I used to help The Old Man out in the garage, and, thusly, already knew a thing or two about how to use power tools when I began building sets in high school drama. Since then my handiwork has been limited to changing lightbulbs and air filters. A few months ago,a fter having watched "While You Were Out" one too many times on TLC, I decided to build some furniture. I have now built a 40" x 40" CD rack, a sort of CD rack/ cell phone and wallet holder, and now I have built a coat rack/ footlocker. Jamie seems pretty pleased. I am a little skeptical of the durability of the coatrack section. Only time and gravity will tell if the coatrack is, in fact, a success.

Randy's lady, Emily, had this insight into blogging. She has allowed me to share.

I try not to read people's blogs because im jealous that i can't do a blog of my own, but i have given in. It's reality TV for the internet. I'm a closet blog reader. I live in shame :(

and that about sums it up.

More Martian Madness...

It's absolutely correct to be skeptical that we (by we, I mean the good 'ol US of A) will be willing to put money into strapping a couple of folks to a rocket and sending them to Mars on the off-chance that they will return safely. It's going to cost trillions, and it's going to be pretty much a colossal waste of time. But, dammit, that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it.

We spend tax dollars on some pretty ridiculous nonsense (did you know Dick Cheney INSISTS on Oreos and will not tolerate the cheaper, tastier Hydrox?). We also spend billions and trillions preparing for wars which may never happen, and teaching kids who are pretty stupid, anyway. But if we can get to Mars, it will give this Leaguer hope that the human spirit of endeavour and achievement and exploration is no longer limited to seeing what's on the channels over 55 on the flipper. It will mean that we, as a people, have agreed that we are ready to spread our wings as a species and are now ready to soar among the stars. And we are ready to bring back buxom space vixens.

As much as my post from earlier indicates the very real financial benefits, really, if we have a trillion dollars, maybe we could try to feed people, or buy off Castro into retirement, or get a Cardinals team which I might pay to see. I dunno. THere's reason to be skeptical, and uses on this little blue marble for all that dough.

But a part of me wants to see the first footage broadcast by a human in a space suit, waving back to the world from that dusty red planet. Hell, let's have a bake sale. I'm sure we can find the money somewhere.

sweet

I love me the space program. I hope this is a serious effort and not just election year hoo-hah. I choose not to be cynical on this one.

The Space Program offers both a lot tangibles and intangibles to the American people. A lot of everyday technology was developed for the Space Program (microwave ovens, Tang, zero-G toilets), and a lot more will be necessary for reaching Mars and returning to the moon. The Space Program is good for businesses associated with this kind of development and construction.

Exploration and discovery offers those intagibles of national pride, excitement of discovery, and could spark the imaginations for genreations of future engineers. (My employing university is wrapped up with the current Mars expedition. We're pretty excited).

Most of all, I want to see a man walk on Mars before I'm 50, but I'll take a permanent moon colony. This could really be the beginning of a bold new era.

1) Mel has been spending his days outside lately with the fantastic Arizona winter weather. It's like lows of 50 and highs of mid-70's. He's nuts for being outside.

2) Mel received many presents for Christmas from my folks (in a doggy gift basket). He's quite insane now with too many toys to choose from. Most disturbing is the disembodied, red pig-head which squeaks when you squeeze it.

3) The phone rang at 4:00am this morning. No message was left, and the caller ID failed to identify the caller. I laid in bed for about half an hour imagining all sorts of nightmare scenarios in which someone tried to call me for assitance, but nobody called back. I was reminded of a phone number I had to change in college. It was a former FAX number. Everynight I would get 2-3 calls from FAX services. usually between 1am and 6am. It was a nightmare.

4) Busy day today. But check out Jim's insightful response to yesterday's shenanigans. Also, help us identify Zak Bennigan's.

Couple of things:

1) Randy has sent along a photo of he and Emily. THis is the same photo removed from Randy's wedding site after Emily decided that my review of Randy's demeanour was, perhaps, unkind.

After strong-arming Randy, I have obtained a link to the photo once again. Randy, in all of his insane glory, may be found here (possibly threatening Emily with a butter knife held in his left hand). Here's that pic.

2) For some reason JimD. and I decided to get into it today over the piece of crappy graphitti art on 21st and Guadalupe in Austin. While in a lot of ways, I agree with Jimbo, in other ways, I clearly do not. Unfortunately for Jim, I am right and he is wrong.

Some other guy kind of insulted me for screwing up Daniel Johnston's name. Which is fair, because, dammit, I called the man a "staple" and then got the name all botched up. Well, as long as I don't screw up my wife's name, it's all gravy. Anyway, I went and checked out a site the gentleman linked to and found a deep love of the frog. Jamie will appreciate this, even if the Cow Head Man thinks I'm a dork.

Shoemaker has sent in an ultra-late Holiday entry: The Waitress's "Merry Christmas". There's no note of explanation, but there is a link.

For those of you who submitted ON TIME, your prize is in the mail.

sometimes I get down about how weird and kind of fruitless it is working for the state, and then I remember it's this or flipping burgers and I perk right up again.

So I finally picked up my comics from the last two weeks (which is probably the longest between trips to the shop i've been in a year, at least). And they just rebooted Superman with issue #200 of Superman. Beginning next month, Superman will have a slightly different origin. Comics are so weird.

Anyway, Superman #200 was not as bad as I had read it would be in a review. What I really dug, however, was Superman/ Batman #5. Written by Jeph Loeb and drawn by Ed McGuinness, this was part 5 of a 6 part story in which Lex Luthor tries to take down Superman once and for all. In this issue, Team Superman and the Batman Family enter the White House to confront president Lex Luthor. Yeah, these comics are insane.

But if you like cool art (Randy, this might include you), and lots of action, this series might be up your alley.

McGuiness's take on Hawkman is fantastic, but I think he draws all of the characters very, very well for a guy locked into a cartoony style.

I like comics, and this comic renews that affection. It's over the top, it's ridiculous, it's not particularly emotionally mature, but it's more fun than eating Rain-Blo by the handful and jumping on a trampoline.

And word on the street is that in a few months they bring back the classic version fo Supergirl in this title. Hurray!

I haven't really been at work in two weeks, and that means I've been watching an inordinate amount of television. And after having watched two weeks worth of TV, and thousands of commercials, I have one question:

What the hell is a "hemi", and why should I care?

Look, I'm no car guy. I drive a 4-cylinder, and always have. I do not feel the need to drive a V6 (except on the rare occasion after having borrowed someone else's V6), a V8 or V12, nor an 18-wheeler. I have long believed cars are a tool, and not a way to flaunt one's manhood.

A lot of people don't like SUV's for a lot of legitimate reasons. A lot of people DO like SUV's for some legitimate, and a lot of quasi-legitimate reasons. It's the quasi-legitimate reasons, the one's they now spend billions advertising to, that blow my mind.

When i was a kid, my folks bought a monstrous conversion van. It had two stereos, seated somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 and had niceties like a table one could assemble and play checkers on. Which was great for the trip to the groccery store and whereever. I would be lying if I thought we really needed the damn thing, but we had not just one... when I was 14, we got another one. THis one had a bench seat which (with the touch of a button) folded out into a bed. It also had a built in bar in the back for "tailgating" (which we never did), and a spot where a TV was supposed to be installed. We never got the TV and VCR, although we had the wiring and hook-ups, because the day we picked up the van, my mom burst into tears at the thought her children would rather watch Sanford and Son reruns than talk to her while in the car. Which i thought was kind of weird at the time.

Apparently, this isn't such a concern with today's savvy parent. Now, when toting the kids to and from soccer practice, in the half an hour a day when you could be talking to your kid, your babysitter has been provided to you. Once again, you can feel free to let the flickering box raise your kids so you can focus on the cell phone conversation you were having before you picked up the little monstrosities.

Look, I don't have kids. And I can't guarantee if I did have a kid, s/he wouldn't turn out like Jeffrey Dahmer. But I do know when you have a kid, you're supposed to pay attention to it. I don't care how tired you are from work, or who is calling your cell phone. But a part of me also knows I wouldn't do any better than anyone else, and makes me not really want to have kids... because folks, I don't want to be the guy I made fun of all these years.

My favorite thing in the commericals is seeing how happy mom and dad are... how they look to one another with loving, knowing smiles... as if to say "hear all that silence? THose little brats have been hypnotized into a stupor once again... it's so mercifully quiet, we can pretend we are once again childless."

I'm now horrified by my parents' van ownership, but I understand why folks buy huge cars when they have kids. I understand far less why my parents now own a monstrous SUV with seating for 8, but since they paid for my college, i keep it on the QT. I'm just glad they didn't own one of the vans which said "Goodtimes Van" on the back in 60's psychedelic script.

So you've turned your car into the babysitter by getting the car with seats as big as a sofa and DVD player. Now you've still got to have adventure! You're still a virile alpha-male... which means you MUST be able to take it off-road. You must climb boulders and mountains and go from 0-60 in 5 seconds (despite the fact your car weighs 10 tons). And I guess the "hemi" is the new thing to have. It must be some sort of shiny engine. It's a big 'ol honking engine Dad would have in his truck if... if he were a swinging single adventurer! He can still live out the fantasy, though, as long as it's hidden beneath the hood of the moving living room.

Poor, emasculated dad... Knowing that his "hemi" will only help him pass Monte Carlo's on the toll-road on his way to his boring office job. WAIT! Only Dad doesn't get to drive the "hemi" powered wonder car. He drives the Corrola, because Mom needs the SUV to transport the kids to go roller-skating... And the hemi is only really there because you need that kind of horsepower to keep your moving living room from stalling on every incline, anyway...

Look, I don't know why those commercials bug me so much, but they do. I know people feel as if they need these cars, the way they needed conversion vans in the 80's, then mini-vans in the mid-90's, and now Tahoes or whatever. Maybe they need these things as surely as they need beds and food for their children. I do not know. I do know, TV's in cars are dumb. But I liked the idea a heck of a lot more when they had to start passing laws stating it was illegal to watch porn on your car TV, lest everyone see your feature attraction from your rear window.

Maybe a week of watching TV did nothing good for me.

Apparently Ms. Emily took exception to my post from a few days ago regarding Randy being completely insane. The link to The Knot now sports a new picture of Homer and Marge Simpson. Randy has gone ahead and posted about Emily's reaction, and his feelings upon the whole ordeal. It is unfortunate that Emily has selected to remove the photo of she and her beau. Indeed, it was quite thrilling to see the Tjahjono's looking so blissful (even if half of them are insane).

I request that Emily reconsider, and if nothing else, find a new picture of she and her man.

Chin up, Emily. Randy is more or less a good guy, and while I am afraid for you, I believe you are more or less making the right choice. So let's see you put up that photo again lest i turn it into my year-long crusade to see that picture posted once more...

one out of fifteen ain't bad...

I guess the Martians got sick of shooting these things out of the sky...

I have taken a great deal of time off of work. It's been pleasant. I am classified as "faculty" in my position at the University, which means I have an insane amount of vacation, which I can rarely use. But the Holidays are a perfect time for disappearing, and so I haven't been to work since December 22nd.

On Monday I must return to work, and what I would like to do is return with a new enthusiasm. Will this actually happen? Only time will tell. We're going to be going directly into one of our two "busy" periods, lasting about three to four weeks each, occuring in accordance with the spring and fall semesters.

So it's probably good I took a break.

I've watched alot of movies on DVD, I've drawn more, I tried some writing (hopefully Hustler won't turn me down this time), and I am trying to build some more furniture. I'm not very good at building at furniture, but if all 90 degree angles is your bag, I am your man.

I haven't really been unemployed since about 1996, and I kind of miss the time off. One thing university life provides is a good amount of vacation (or did at UT), so I will try in the future to make the most of the time I've been given. Watching this episode of Justice LEague, next vacation, maybe I'll make a rail gun. Looks like fun.

Anyway, next week I return to normal programming. See you then.

This may surprise Leaguers, but for as many mentions as he gets in these pages, I've never actually met Randy of RHPT.com. Randy started showing up in my e-mail box a while back, and we've been chummy ever since.

As a consequence, I've never actually seen Randy in person. Until today. Randy posted a link to his little corner of wedding cyber-space over on The Knot. The Knot is a site where you can register and make sure folks have a a web-friendly location to check and re-check wedding details. This is actually a really nice idea. Wish we'd done it.

Anyway, I never saw Randy before, but now I have, and if the photo on the site is any indication, Randy is quite mad. yes, yes... I know he's happy to be with his lady in this photo... but there's a certain bewildering insanity sparking behind those eyes as if to say both "yes, you may refill my water" as well as "but then I will hide in the back seat of your car and surprise you on the interstate."

No doubt Randy will be disturbed by my deductions, but this is why the Steanses try to keep our photos off the net... for fear someone might say "dear God, did the panda actually eat the girl after the photo was taken?" or "they're both so pale... oh, you didn't even use a flash?" or "it would not kill him to skip dessert once in a while."

So here's Randy, all menacing smile and deranged plotting. By his side is his future bride, who would do well to sleep with one eye open.

For Shoemaker:

It's a week late, and from the late Wesley Willis, but I think anyone could enjoy it... In fact, this may be the new "Frosty the Snowman".

Merry Christmas

Howdy. I am kind of back.

couple of house keeping items.

I am considering sending something out to all who participated in the Abso-Ludicrous Holiday Media Spectacular. If you would rather not participate in a little larceny and malfeasance, let me know ASAP.

I think I have everyone's address. I may contact you if I do not. People in japan have asked that their items be sent elsewhere. This shall be respected.

Mel is back from the kennel and safely home. Jeff The Cat also returned home from the kennel. Both are suffering from a little separation anxiety, but I'm taking some time off work, so both are getting ample attention.

The visit to my folks' went well. I missed having more of the extended family around, but with scheduling for my immediate family these days, sometimes these things are best not examined too much. I got some cool presents from everyone. Not a weird one in the bunch. I got a stack of DVD's, and I have to confess to being a little excited about my copy of Conan the Barbarian. I've loved that movie since I was a kid, but can't put my finger on why. But what had me rolling was the DVD collection of The Tick live action series which lasted maybe eight or nine episodes. Classic. Like Icarus, it flew to close to the sun, my friends.

Made Jamie and Heather Wagner go to Bedrock City Comics with me in Spring, TX. Picked up some cool Action Comics back issues, including this issue and this issue. Merry Christmas to me.

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve, which is kind of the capper on the Holiday season for most everyone. Tomorrow ends 2003, which is okay. It was an okay year in a lot of ways, but I can't say i made great personal strides. In fact, a lot of this year felt a bit like I was coasting more than actually trying. But that's why we have New Years: Try to do better in the upcoming year what we did poorly in the the preceding year.

To celebrate NYE, I am taking Jamie to a curiously nice Italian place (it's in a strip shopping center in Queen Creek) called Primo. We'll do some wine and dinner there, and then I guess she'll be tired from work and go to sleep. We aren't the same fun couple we were in 1999-2000, a New Years which will live in infamy. (I just remembered Loyal Leaguer Nathan Cone came up from San Antonio for that fiesta... I was too drunk to remember if he was there when things... got out of hand). Here's a hint, kids: hammers, glitter, vodka, hard candy and pinatas simply do not mix. Especially when you're super excited the power grid didn't fail on you. I almost lost my eye.

People are throwing out lists for 2003, which seems like a heck of a lot of work. Here's mine.

2003, Bad:

1) summer in desert
2) continued success of Justin Timberlake
3) questionable stewardship of Superman core comic titles
4) the missing couch
5) gout
6) lack of weight loss
7) lack of direction in job
8) WMD
9) the puppy incident
10) Daredevil movie

2003, Good:

1) winter in desert
2) continued success of Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog
3) announcements of future artisitic teams for Superman comics
4) Season 2 of Justice League
5) vegetarianism turning out to be okay
6) I didn't get fatter!
7) steady job
8) lack of attacks from WMDs
9) two happy pets
10) I actually liked the Hulk. Shut up. I did. Cousin Sue sent the DVD for Christmas! Hurrah!

So for my yin, there is a yang, I suppose. But that was 2003. It was an Even Steven sort of year.

soon we move into the mid-00's. How freaky is that?

So what are my resolutions? I told myself years ago to quit setting stupid, unrealistic goals. So my resoltuions are:

1) Re-engage at work. Quit stressing over the difficulty of each task and try to see each task as a challenge. Have a better attitude about students, faculty and crazy projects.
2) Use better judgement in buying comics in order to spend less on comics.
3) Try to keep the house neater.
4) Either move back to Texas or quit bitching about Arizona.
5) Do more with free time (may require cancelling movie channels)
6) Write "Great American Novel".
7) draw more
8) draw fewer naked girls when drawing
9) quit waking up the cat whenever he falls asleep. No, it's not that funny to anyone but me.
10) be more open minded about Paris Hilton
11) eat more vegetables and less pasta and bread
12) be a genuinely better human being. By better, do not mean Ubermench.
13) spend more quality time with Melbotis

and that's it, kids! Lucky 13. Ah, well. Happy New Year!!! Now go get drunk for your Ol' Uncle Ry'.

Dedman has done a fantastic job of keeping up with his blog. I have not. Christmas is going well. It is humid and warm in Houston today. it will be cool and dry in Phoenix when we return tomorrow.

My brother has a new, three legged dog. She is very sweet and entertaining. She is, however, destroying all which is in her path.

So today is the last day I update for a long while. Which is fine, because if you're spending your time over the next few days eagerly anticipating the next update from the League, we think maybe you should go out and look at some Christmas lights and get some fresh air.

The League may well be busy with family while in Spring, TX. But who knows? Shoot the League an e-mail if you'll be in H-Town.

In the meantime, I would like to wish everyone the best this Holiday Season. I think I've been pretty plain here in these pages about my opinions and feelings surrounding this great mish-mash of a season. And we can all take it seriously, or we can try to have fun with it. We can know it's nothing but a consumerist sham, or we can know that at the heart of it, no matter what else gets put up in front as the great facade, there's some good at the heart of it. Maybe a whole lot of good that we're supposed to be waiting to find.

So this Christmas, I want three things (because Jamie already got me the sweater. It's green.).

I want Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men, and I want for everyone to know how wonderful and special is my beautiful wife, Jamie. She's the best.

Maybe that's four things. Ah, well.

Merry Christmas, Leaguers. Peace on Earth, and good will towards all people everywhere. The year is coming to an end. We have a new one coming and a chance to do it right this time.

Up, up and away.

Hey, Leaguers! The Holiday Contest has drawn to a close! I am unable to choose a winner as, frankly, there are too many great entries this year, and I think I shoudl have narrowed the contest down a bit. Well, live and learn we do, here at League of Melbotis HQ.

I have to say that those who write in to the League are a persuasive lot, and each holds a special flicker of the Christmas Spirit within them. I wish each and every Leaguer a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holiday.

Instead of selecting a winner, I shall figure something out for every entrant to the contest. So, folks, just be aware of how busy The League has been, and how short of cash now that all of the extended family has received a Hickory Farms cheese log basket.

So, God and finances willing, a token of The League's appreciation will arrive after the Holidays.

In the meantime, I have compiled the answers and selections sent in by Loyal Leaguers. I invite you to read them each and all, and to appreciate the effort and POV of each and every person as they come to Christmas.



MOST BIZARRE HOLIDAY MEDIA

Nathan Cone:

The Six Million Dollar Man ¡V Hear 4 Exciting Christmas Adventures ¡V Peter Pan Records

Remember Peter Pan records? It was like the Mercury Theater of the Air for the 1970s kids. Okay, maybe not. But they put out a lot of radio theater-type albums, and this one takes the cake for me. I found my copy at a Best Buy fire sale 10 years ago. Follow Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man (played by an incredibly wooden "actor") in the following Christmas adventures: "The Kris Kringle Caper," "Elves' Revolt," "The Toymaker," and "Christmas Lights."
Here's an exciting scene from "The Kris Kringle Caper," as Steve disguises himself as a department store Santa:
Girl: "Hey, don't I know you?"
Six Mil: "Of course, everyone knows me, I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "There's no such person as Santa Claus."
Six Mil: "Then, who am I?"
Girl: "I think you're the man who was here the other day, the one who tried to get my present back for me."
Six Mil: "I'm Santa Claus."
Girl: "I told you, there's no such person."
Six Mil: "Then what are you doing on my lap?"

Laura Maxwell:

A. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL
1978. Television. With Several Wookies, Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Art Carney, Bea Arthur, and Jefferson Airplane.
This show made me question the sanctity of my own reality.



B. MISTLETOE JAM
1995. Luther Vandross, song from the album, This is Christmas.
This should perhaps go under the category of most unfortunately named holiday media. The song starts off with the following dialogue:
"Girl come on over here and get under this MISTLETOE with me!"
"I'm not getting under that mistletoe with you any more!"
"Why not?"
"Cause you don't know how to act when you get under there."
"What are you talking about?"
"YOU know what I'm talking about."
"What?"
"The last time I got under that thing with you¡K"
"What happened?"
"The last time I got under there with you?... I had twins!"
"Oooh. Tell it all."
It also contains the verse:
Glad you got big feet,
Cause they're so good for dancing
Glad you got big legs
Cause they're so good when we're romancing
You still got the flavor
And I'm hungry for your love
So I'm gonna play this one jam
That will make you want to kiss somebody
And the oft repeated rousing chorus:
This is the mistletoe jam
I like to party all night
And dance to the mistletoe jam
Mistletoe Jam!
Everybody kiss somebody

Worst of all, I don't think this is meant to be a joke.

C. CHRISTMAS WITH ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
1962. Album.
This is the sort of novelty album that probably should have gone the way of the Christmas meowing or barking albums or that singing fish, but didn't. They are singing rodents, but their harmonies are tight and Christmas Don't Be Late remains a holiday favorite. For children everywhere that have sped up their own voices with technology and laughed.

Dedman:

1. "Christmas with the Devil" by Spinal Tap. The sugar plums are rancid and the stockings are in flames. Appearing on Tap's 1992 comeback record, Break Like the Wind, this track was brought to you by Michael McKean, Christopher Guest, and Harry Shearer, the auteurs of Waiting for Guffman, Best in Show, and A Mighty Wind. Their reappearance was not well-received, and they even picked a fight with Metallica for plagiarizing the cover of their own "none more black" black album. Tap, of course, is by far the most amusing of the McKean/Guest/Shearer oeuvre, and their take on Christmas is bizarre indeed.

2. Rankin/Bass Christmas television specials. You remember these dreadful creations if you were remotely sentient during the seventies or eighties, when they were rerun ceaselessly during the holidays. (I was surprised to discover how old these are, actually, as the first of the series, Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, was released in 1964.). The primitively odd pseudo-claymation-animation and the overdone soundtrack effects make these television specials simply creepy and bizarre. Burl Ives croons away as Sam the Snowman while a yeti/sasquatch finds redemption? Yikes. Here are a few links, courtesty of IMDB, to jog your memory:

Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Rudolph's Shiny New Year
Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July

Of course, I note with interest that The League of Melbotis chose an image from one of these specials to accompany its introduction of the contest. That is most frighteningly unfortunate.

Anne Francis:

Radio City Christmas Spectacular - probably the most garish, expensive, unnecessary ode to Christmas. 2 hours of military precision dancing by a line of shapely women, massively dorky singers warbling about the joys of shopping and toys and even a scene where Mrs. Claus grabs Santa's butt (I kid you not!) only to end with a 20 minute sanctimonious "Living Nativity" scene - complete with live camels - that flogs the audience that Christmas is not about gifts and Santa (despite the fact that the previous 1 hour and 40 minutes had you believing otherwise) and absolutely castigating any goodwill you may have had towards the religious origins of the holiday. I hate this show.

RUNNER-UP
Not sure why, but I've always found the "Do they Know It's Christmas" to be somewhat bizarre. I mean, they are singing about Africa and asking "Do they know it's Christmas?" Well....if they're not Christian - PROBABLY NOT. Never knew Bob Geldolf had a missionary streak in him....
http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70312171613340497&sql=B2ltqoa8ayijn


Essential Media:

Molly Brensen:

1) David Sedaris "Santaland Diaries" NPR Morning Edition (originally about 1993 but they tend to replay it--that's the best I can do)
You can't do comedy justice by describing it. That said, Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the background of grinches, and who needs a happy ending? Who expects one anyway when your job is playing Crumpet the Elf at Macy's for the Christmas season? Sedaris takes the piss out of deranged parents who make screaming children smile for the camera or ask Santa to stop animal testing, kids who want their dead dad back and a complete set of ninja turtles, "Santa Santa" who thinks he really is Santa, and Snowball the elf who leads all the other elves and Santas on. Of course, the main reason it's essential is because nowhere else will you hear what Away in a Manger would sound like sung by Billie Holiday.
I think I was supposed to say something about how this affected me personally. A year or two ago this came on the radio when I was driving with my kid sister who was just old enough not to believe in Santa anymore but smart enough not to tell our folks. So we listened to this and laughed ourselves silly (nearly causing a wreck) and shared our little secret that she was "in" on the grow-up stuff. Then we drove the rest of the way home singing Christmas songs in silly voices and different styles.

Nathan Cone:

"It's A Wonderful Life" ¡V 1946 ¡V directed by Frank Capra

Is there any film more ¡§wonderful¡¨ than ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life?¡¨ It may seem hard to believe, but Frank Capra¡¦s 1946 classic wasn¡¦t really a success when it opened. Now over fifty years later, ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ is one of the defining moments of American cinema, and is a perennial holiday favorite. But to call ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ a ¡§Christmas movie¡¨ isn¡¦t really doing it justice. Yes, much of it is set around Christmastime, but this is a film that can be viewed at any time of the year.

Jimmy Stewart stars as George Bailey, a role that he credited as his favorite until the day he died. Donna Reed is radiant as Mary Hatch, George¡¦s childhood sweetheart. George has dreams. He wants to travel the world become a famous architect, and have a life full of adventure. Instead, he¡¦s living in Bedford Falls, the same small town he grew up in, where he works at his family¡¦s building and loan business. After a life of sacrifice, a crisis that could leave him penniless and in jail drives George to the breaking point, and he contemplates suicide. Instead, his guardian angel Clarence, AS-2 (angel, second class), appears. George remarks that maybe the world would have been better off if he had never been born, and so Clarence shows him just what would have been, had that happened.

What Clarence shows George (and us) is just how precious our lives really are, and how interconnected we are to the rest of the world. Every deed we do does not go unnoticed; on the contrary, everything we do affects the people we know, and so on, and so on. It¡¦s a message that is as prescient at Christmastime as it is throughout the year.

Not to be overlooked in ¡§It¡¦s A Wonderful Life¡¨ are the terrific romantic and comedic moments, such as George and Mary¡¦s dance into an open swimming pool, or the honeymoon they share in a rickety old house that will one day become a home.

Yet the heart of It's A Wonderful Life remains its hero, George Bailey. The term "everyman" could have been coined from this role it's hard to find someone who hasn't felt the same as George at one time or another. Plus, Jimmy Stewart is just so doggone likeable, and plays the part with such emotion, that you can't help but feel yourself slipping into his shoes.

The coming Christmas season will undoubtedly bring repeated showings of "It's A Wonderful Life" on television as it does every year. You see, the film itself lapsed into the public domain in the 1970s, meaning that until its copyright was renewed in the 1990s, anyone who could get their hands on a print could make copies and sell them at a minimal cost. It also meant that television stations could show the film without paying any royalties. So, in a twist of fate, the film¡¦s public domain status brought it to a wider audience and made it more popular than ever before. This year, whether you¡¦ve never seen it, or even if you've seen it fifty times over, you owe it to yourself to take a trip to Bedford Falls, to discover again just how "wonderful" life really is.

"A Christmas Story" 1983 directed by Bob Clark

Like "It's A Wonderful Life," this movie flopped upon its initial release (do I see a pattern here?). But time has proven that "A Christmas Story" gets it right about what it's like to be a kid in the weeks leading up to that glorious morning of presents, presents, presents, and bleary-eyed parents. Who would have believed that the director of a movie as sophomoric and, some might say, misogynistic, as "Porky's" could craft something so warm-hearted? I still don't believe it. I think the real star of the movie is the late writer Jean Shepherd, whose writing and narration breathlessly whisks us through the story. It's a near-perfect mix of satire, and fond memories of life as a kid. A+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Vince Guaraldi Trio ¡V "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

It's a classic now, but the network didn't like it at first. Jazz music? For a kids' program? But the "Peanuts" characters are less like kids and more like smaller adults, and that's just one of the reasons why this music fits so perfectly with the celebrated special. Can you look at folks on an ice rink and not think of the "skating" music? Do you bob your head back and forth like that weird dancing kid when you hear "Linus and Lucy?" Have you ever heard a more swingin' version of "O Tannenbaum" than the one crafted herein?


Maxwell

A. A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS
1965. Television.
Because Charlie Brown is depressed over the commercialism of Christmas. Because apparently pink aluminum trees were hot that year. Because a jazz band followed that group of kids around wherever they went. Because they used real kids voices for the characters. Because Linus is the wisest kid to ever carry a security blanket. Because gee wiz those kids can dance.

B. A CHRISTMAS STORY
1983. Peter Billingsley, Melinda Dillon, Darren McGavin
You know the tale. All Ralphie wants for Christmas is a Red-Ryder BB rifle with a compass in the stock. The film captures the imperfect perfection of most American households at Christmas and almost every line is quotable. Or at least my American household. If I had grown up in the '40's. Some of my favorites include,
"You'll shoot your eye out!"
"I CAN'T PUT MY ARMS DOWN!!!"
"It was...It was...soap poisoning."
"Drink your ovaltine."
"I double dog dare ya."
"It's a major award."

C. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE
1946. Frank Capra, James Stewart, Donna Reed, Lionel Barrymore...
Admit it. You are a grown man. And it makes you cry.

(editor's note: Yes. I do. Every year. 8 years and Jamie still hasn't noticed that I'm sobbing like a baby over there on the other end of the couch.)


Dedman


1. "Merry Christmas from the Family" - Robert Earl Keen.
Mind you, I refer not to the uninspired studio version on Gringo Honeymoon but the energetic, impossible-not-to-enjoy live rendition on No 2 Live Dinner. By no means is Keen a master lyricist, and he's certainly not the best singer, but the live version of this song offers listeners an amusing piece of Texana which is tied to the holidays. In fact, the entire album is characterized by an energy and enthusiasm that simply does not appear in his studio recordings. Check it out.

2. The Ref, (1994).
Released in March of 1994, the film's promotional tagline was "The ultimate Christmas movie is coming this spring." Denis Leary, a bank robber, finds himself chaperoning his two hostages, Kevin Spacey and Judy Davis. The rivalry and repartee between Spacey and Davis, who play a disfunctional married couple, reads like an existential Edward Albee yuletide comedy. This was Spacey, just a year shy from his greatest year, 1995, when he released three superb films, all of which had twist endings. (Those were, of course, Seven, The Usual Suspects, and Swimming with Sharks.). Alas, he went on to perpetrate K-PAX. Whatever the case, this is not your typical Christmas flick, but it is far more amusing that most of the cinematic detritus which passes for comedy these days.

3. General George Washington, Christmas 1776.
It was on Christmas night that Washington crossed the Delaware River. Its effect on history cannot be overstated. Pigeonholing this historical event into the "Most Essential Holiday Media" category is difficult, but I suspect, if challenged, I can develop some lawyerly argument to justify its inclusion.

(editor's note: while this isn't media in it's strictest sense, we're letting Jim's answer slide. Because here at the League, our patriotic hearts swell with pride at the thought of Washington going to kick a limey in the teeth on Christmas eve).


as a child I had a dream that I was in the boat with George. Funny what comes back to you.

Anne Francis

Charlie Brown Christmas- soundtrack only. Much better than the movie itself, as you don't get Linus' religious speech at the end.

(editor's note: While The League remains a secular institution, we kind of like Linus maintaing that the meaning of Christmas is not to be found in an aluminum tree.)

Mary Crawford

I nominate The Santaland Diaries by David Sedaris in the Essential category.

When I mentioned to an esteemed colleague that I intended to nominate The Santaland Diaries in the Abso-Ludicrous First Annual 2003 Autocratic Yuletide Media Extravaganza!!!!, his response was, F**k yeah I take this as evidence that I could have put my nomination in the Celebrated category as well, but my nomination stands in Essential.

Do a Google search for sardonic, merrily subversive tale. Need I say more?


more in another posting --->

Regrettable Performance:


Molly Brensen:

1) Jimmy Buffet "Christmas Island" CD 1996 (oh by the way this one went Platinum (1))

It's not that hard to make fun of Jimmy Buffet except that he usually does it for you himself. But, as he says there's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. Perhaps there's an even finer line between being ironic and utterly massacring a Christmas song. Anyway, it's not entirely clear if Buffet knows when he's being absurd intentionally or purely out of habit. Case in point, "Uncle John's Band" with steel drums on the 1994 Fruitcakes album.

Unfortunately the steel drums and background singers had a lot more in store for the 1996 release of "Christmas Island"--not to mention the running commentary and the hidden, thoroughly uninteresting reading of "The Night Before Christmas" (he sounds conscious). Four tracks are originals and standard Buffet fare(2) including Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rhum (which apparently rhymes with "Santa's off to the Caribbean"). Four tracks are Buffet-ized versions of pop Christmas songs including John Lennon/Yoko Ono's "Happy Christmas (War is Over), Mele Kalikimaka (obvious), Run Rudolph Run, and I'll Be Home for Christmas in which he gives the steel drums a break and milks the sap his voice instead (to mix a metaphor).

What makes this album truly regrettable though, are the two "traditional" tracks arranged by Buffet and Utley: Jingle Bells and Up on the Housetop. (links to snippets in .ra on Amazon)

If you know much Buffet, one line sums up the treatment of Jingle Bells: "Oh, what fun on Jah's cool run in a one-horse open sleigh". If that's not enough, imagine backup singers iterating "Oh! Oh! Jingle!/Jingle bells!" while Buffet chatters in his best (worst?) Jamaican accent, "Oh, oh! Watch out for that girl? Oh mon! Look at that truck! Stay on the left! stay on the left! Who's that Rosco with the Santa Claus hat? Hey Rosco man, what you got in that big burlap sack for me? A pre-sant? Oh thank you Santa Mon!"

I wish I could say that's the worst anyone could abuse a Christmas song, but "Up on the Housetop" takes the cake. From what I can tell it's a drunk surfer version, although it could be that Buffet's surfer accent just happens to sound more like a drunk. This time the background singers sing "Ooh Ooh Wah! Chicky Chicky Wah!" but he hasn't mucked with the lyrics. Little Wil gets "a hammer and tacks, also a ball and a whip that cracks" followed by a creepy chortle that leaves me feeling a little gross and dirty. Sadly not included in the lyrics are the other voiceovers: "Dude! Don't be a dude, Dude!", "Tubular Dude!", "Bitchin!", "Oh come on Dude, share the wave, share the wave it's Christmas!", a screeching Oow!, and "They say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too!" (which I can only take to mean Jimmy wants to get into the Beatles/Beach Boys fracas, but it's a little late and this is no white album. I guess I should just be glad there aren't any pet sounds).

1 Buffet has put out over thirty albums since 1970 and eight went platinum. I had assumed that in addition to the baseline of parrothead buyers, most copies were sold to folks like my mother who knew someone that likes Jimmy Buffet and saw the CD in the check-out line. Apparently however, at least on Amazon, this is actually popular with fans. Then again, if no one had ever heard it, could it truly be "regrettable"? I finally forced myself to actually listen to this CD all the way through for the first time for the sake of writing this email. Indeed2, I was a little surprised to see it was in my CD wallet when I arrived here in Japan.

2 Word used with permission, Jim Dedman, „¦2003.

Nathan Cone:

Karen Morrow and Charles Nelson Reilly ¡V "Baby, It's Cold Outside" ¡V from the album A Hollywood Christmas (2000)

It's more like "A Match Game Christmas" as Morrow and Reilly step all over one another in this decidedly un-swingin' version of "Baby It's Cold Outside." Plus, Reilly can't sing worth a damn. Please, Spirit, deliver me from these shadows you have shown me, and I will honor Christmas in my heart!

The Dixie Chicks and Rosie O'Donnell ¡V "Merry Christmas From the Family" ¡V from the album Another Rosie Christmas 2000

It's kind of cool to hear Natalie Maines sing this wonderfully trashy Robert Earl Keen song, until Rosie O'Donnell butts in and sings like she wants us to know "I'M HERE WITH THE DIXIE CHICKS! AND I'M SINGIN'!!!! AND I WILL BE HEARD!!!!!!"

Maxwell:

A. THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, Merry Merry Christmas, 1995. Featuring Funky Funky Xmas.

I never loved the NKOTB. I was one of maybe five girls who didn't wear the pink t-shirt the morning after the concert in Junior High. I probably really really wanted to like them, nobody is really that interested in straying from the crowd in the seventh grade, but I just couldn't like them at all. I bet that's why I wasn't elected to student council. Stupid NKOTB. Your album has a song called Funky Funky Xmas and another called Merry Merry Xmas. You suck.

B. FAKE CINDY, A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS. 1988. Television. Starring Not Susan Olsen.

Dear Fake Cindy. You are not the real Cindy. You are a fake. Faker.

C. STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL, Entire Cast and Crew.
See Above.
I am still not over this.


Dedman

1. The cast of Miracle on 34th Street (1994). What were they thinking? Refashioning a timeless, beloved film is almost always inappropriate. Richard Attenborough as Santa Clause? A pre-Practice Dylan McDermott as the idealist attorney? Elizabeth Perkins? Well, at least George Lucas wasn't involved. . . .


(editor's note: and let us not forget that the original Miracle on 34th Street starred Maureen O'Hara, who is hot.)

2. Michael Jackson/Paul McCartney. Apparently, it was a 1981 Christmas telephone conversation from Jacko to McCartney which prompted "The Girl is Mine," their duet on Thriller. Who could forget the gems that are its lyrics? The girl is mine, The doggone girl is mine, I know she's mine, Because the doggone girl is mine. That tune, of course, led to the equally silly "Say, Say, Say," a second duet which was accompanied by a ridiculously embarrassing video featuring Jacko and McCartney as traveling con artists. From what I understand, the two no longer speak. Good.

3. Jim Carrey as the Grinch.

Enough said.


Anne Francis

American Idol - do I really have to say more? Did the world really need Melisma-laden version of "The First Noel" by Clay Aiken? I didn't think so. (Author's note: Melisma is a singing term, which essentially means stretching one syllable of a word in a song to cover multiple notes and/or octaves. Current singer who use Melisma as a crutch include Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, etc. Many people today confuse Melisma-laden singing acrobatics as the hallmark of a good singer. I hate Melisma. Give me Aretha Franklin any day.....)

RUNNER-UP - Radio City Christmas Spectacular. There's nothing like a line of Rockettes dressed-up in Reindeer costumes to make you think "Christmas."


MOST CELEBRATED HOLIDAY PERFORMANCE

Nathan Cone:

Nat King Cole ¡V "The Christmas Song"

The Man only gave him 15 minutes on television, but Nat King Cole gave us the definitive recording of one of the warmest, fuzziest Christmas songs of the 20th Century.

Clarence Carter ¡V "Back Door Santa" ¡V from the album Soul Christmas (1968)

Santa's gone straight past the cookie tray, and up to the bedroom in this blues/soul classic. "They call me Back Door Santa/I make my runs 'bout the break of day/I make all the little girls happy/While all the boys are out to play." Another great line ¡V "Wouldn't ol' Santa be in trouble/If there ain't no chimney in the house?" That randy Santa. Bonus trivia: the horn line from this tune was sampled by Run D.M.C. for "Christmas In Hollis."

Astronaut Frank Borman ¡V Christmas Greetings from Space, December 24, 1968

On Christmas, I find the image of our fragile planet Earth as seen from space very moving. Astronaut Frank Borman did, too, as he read a passage from Genesis, and concluded his message from the crew of Apollo 8 by saying, "God bless all of you; all of you on the good Earth."

(editor's note: If you've never heard this recording, you should. ***UPDATE*** We located the broadcast. A transcription can be found here. We would also add that when we heard this for the first time, just earlier this year, we were deeply moved as well.)



Maxwell:

A. GENERAL HOSPITAL-Alan reads the Christmas story to the children at the hospital.Yearly, ABC

Here I am, outing myself as a huge freak again, but when I was young my mother watched all the ABC soaps, well except Loving, and during the Christmas break I would get to see the Christmas episode of General Hospital. I'm pretty sure it was a different character when I was younger, but whoever is the most senior at the hospital reads the Christmas story to the children at the hospital every year. In my childhood mind it was probably as essential a part of the Christmas ritual as church. When I was six or so I received a Fisher Price tape recorder for Christmas and recorded the General Hospital reading, then retaped myself playing the roles of all the children.

B. CHRISTMAS EVE ON SESAME STREET, Television Special, 1978

This used to be a yearly tradition in the Maxwell house as well, back in the "old school" days before VCR's we would all gather around the television once a year on the evening it was to be broadcast. Bert and Ernie engage in a "Gift of the Magi" present exchange involving a rubber ducky and a paperclip collection. Oscar asks Big Bird how Santa gets down all those skinny little chimneys if he is so wide, and for some reason Big Bird thinks that his own doubt will cause the entire universe to fall apart ending in total Christmas destruction. Miraculously the presents arrive anyway. How? I think Kermit's interview with unknown child #5 comes up with the most plausible answer, "Santa Sneaks in with the relatives on Thanksgiving and hides in the laundry until Christmas Eve."

C. JOHN DENVER AND THE MUPPETS, A CHRISTMAS TOGETHER, Album, 1979

Every year after the children's Christmas Eve mass, but before the cheese fondue, my parents would put this record, yes record, on. I love every single song on the album beyond reason. Rowlf sings a soulful version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas that puts all others to shame.

(editor's note: We had this album, too. THis year the League not only got to share this album with a student from India, but had the pleasure of trying to explain what a Muppet was. We assume he knows what a John Denver is.)

Dedman

There can be no other answer than It's A Wonderful Life. Its message of hope withstands the test of even the most cynical of times. What effect does a single individual have on those around him, and what would happen if he was robbed of his existence? Whose lives would be affected? A stellar Christmas flick. From what I understand, it was a flop upon its first release, and it was only when it began appearing on television numerous times each Christmas season that it became the "celebrated" classic it is today. On a local note, one of the premieres of It's A Wonderful Life was held right here in Beaumont, Texas at the historic Jefferson Theatre. Jimmy Stewart and Frank Capra attended. Who knew?

Anne Francis

A Tuna Christmas - Joe Sears and Jaston Williams. By far the best of the "Tuna" trilogy - a series of plays regarding the fictional town of Tuna, Texas. If you are from Texas, chances are you'll see a relative on stage in the form of one of the brilliant characters Joe or Jaston play. And both men play all 23 characters on stage - women included. Very, very funny stuff.


So that's it, Leaguers!!!!

The contest draws to a close. A Merry Christmas to you all. You can do your darndest to enjoy your prizes whenever i get around to actually picking something out. But that's what post-Holiday sales are for.

Finally saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.

My review: Whooo-hooo! Yay!

I am hobbit-drunk. We started at 8:30 yesterday watching Fellowship extended edition DVD. We ended our day at 11:30pm after ROTK. We took breaks to ship presents and get lunch and stuff.

I am no longer objective. Hobbitses. The hobbitses are everywhere. AGGGGHHHHHH.

But you know what? Sometimes I like movies better when I'm not dissecting them and can no longer see the forest for the trees. There's a time and a place for deconstructing every frame of a movie. For me, today is not that time. Today I like the LOTR movies. HURRAY!!!!

And Oliphants shall haunt me in my dreams...

Oh, and the Spider-Man 2 preview had me giggling out loud. Dr. Octopus is so ridiculous, he's perfect. I cannot wait.

THWIP!!!!!!