Tuesday Night Ramblings

Hey, ya'll.

Well, there's like 3 seconds left in overtime and Mr. MVP just screwed up a perfect chance to win the Suns/ Clippers game. Crud. I don't need the extra stress, I tell you.

By the way, what sort of bizarro universe am I living in when the Lakers didn't get past the first round and the Clippers are still competing for the Western Championship? I keep expecting to see goatee'd Spock come around the corner.

I'm going to say something that I find personally painful: The Mavericks will probably win the NBA Championship this year, and, even worse, they may deserve to. You have to understand, with John Stockton and Karl Malone out of basketball, my least favorite guys are now Dirk and Cuban. Which pains me. Because Avery was one of my favorite players ever. Remember when it was Avery and Robinson carrying the Spurs? I do. Dammit.

Well, shazam! Looks like Raja Bell just bought the Suns a 2nd overtime. I'll be dipped.

You know what's awesome about the Clippers (aside from Sam I Am)? Penny Marshall, Laverne herself, is at the game.

I know CrackBass loves the Mavs, but to me Cuban represents what's pretty much awful about about money+ego. I mean, how many millions does he really have to get fined before he takes his Moe hair and sits down? They need to quit fining him and start reducing Dirk's minutes every time they want to punish that moron. Dirk is skilled, yeah. But he's a jerk, which makes him hard to actually respect. Sorry Dallas fans, this is why nobody will cheer your team if they aren't from Dallas. Your owner makes us dislike your team. Funny that Big D produced two of the biggest jack-ass owners in sports...

I can't take all this basketball. It's too much. I need to get back to the WNBA where it's all about the opportunity to play, and nobody cares who wins.

Shit. Shawn Marion just got hurt.

I am just not into this Bam Maguera guy, even when he incorporates Roller Derby into his ads...

OKAY...

So, just to clear the air here. Not The League nor Mrs. League were offended by any comments made when things got a little wacky yesterday. Let's all just relax.

Regarding my Hopes and Dreams for making comics:

Look, I really, really appreciate the support. I do. Ya'll are nice to tell me I make nice pictures. Jason is nice for telling me I have decent ideas.

There's a saying among comic creators: There's no such thing as a fan over the age of 21 who doesn't want your job. Would I like to do all that? Oh, sure. I'd also like to be an ice cream taster, an NBA recruiter, Gillian Anderson's towel boy or an astronaut. Like anything else, sure, if you try hard enough and chase your dreams, that can be you. Whatever.

I am totally happy enjoying other people's work. I am happy sitting at my table and drawing my little pictures for fun. It's a nice thing to do to keep the brain working as you unwind.

Calling me out for not making a comic kind of ruins the whole thing for me. I never said I was making a comic, so I'm not even sure where that comes from. Up until when I moved my table out of my office last week, I'd had time to draw one picture in all of calendar year 2006, and that was at a special request for KareBear's birthday.

I don't see what's wrong with me enjoying my hobbies separately. Going forward, that's sort of what I would prefer to do.

Jesus. Did you guys see that? My Suns! I can't believe that. Insane. Good game. Marion and Raja were awesome. Mr. MVP made some pretty dorky mistakes. Ah, heck, we WON!!! I thought we totally blew it.

And Billy Crystal, also there for the Clippers, looked so very sad. How will he tell funny baseball stories now?

Kenny Smith looks sleepy. It must be past his bedtime.

Speaking of...

They may not know you, but they love you...





Yes, we re-arranged the living room. I was sick of everyone coming into my office whenever I was at my drawing table so I brought my table to them.

SUMMER OF SUPERMAN:
A SUPER LIFESTYLE - HAVING A SUPER DAY

Leaguers probably wonder how the League manages to maintain a Super outlook in life. The answer is: You have to start your day the Super way.

Superness can vary from day to day, so you really have to take steps to ensure that you've done what you can to make your day as Super as possible.

Below you will find a photographic guide to a typical, say, Saturday in the League's busy, busy life.



Your Super alarm is set to wake you for your day. Superman would not steer you wrong. If he's telling you to get up, you probably should. Also, note the super-safety of keeping a Super flashlight by the clock in case of an emergency.



You've been getting your Super Sleep all night, so now it's time to get up and get on with your Super Day!



Filling your head with Supermanness isn't enough. You've also got to fill your tummy with Super goodness. Remember, you super are what you super eat.



While enjoying your Super coffee, it's time to really start considering how your day can be more Super. You should consider a wide-ranging view of Superman as you enter your Super day.



Check your home for Golden Age items



...add a lot of Silver Age



...and some Modern Age and a few items from the upcoming movie.




Select from your Super wardrobe



Brush your Super teeth with super accutrements.



Make sure significant other is properly attired



Check in with Super Dog



Check in with the Fortress of Nerditude



Staying classic means you can't go wrong...


Check Super library for readings



Review other materials in Super Library



Consult with Super Friends about how to proceed with your day


Now The League has taken the necessary steps to get rolling. We hope your day is as Super as can be. We'll be having a few more Summer of Superman highlights. We hope you keep checking in.

Happy Mother's Day

Hey, everybody. Most of you should have a mother of some sort. I sincerely hope you visited or called your mother today. I did. I love my Ma. She's one hell of a lady and a really good dancer.


Weekend Round-Up

Friday night wasn't all that exciting. In fact, I can't really tell you what we did Friday. I believe I picked up food from Venezia's and we watched some tube and played with some dogs.

Lucy has officially made the passage from interior-destroying outside dog to lazy inside dog. I don't know what Jamie did, but somehow in about three weeks' time, Lucy made the adjustment.

Saturday Jamie tried to get me up to go running, but was completely unsuccessful. Around 10:00 I took an hour-long walk around the new part of our neighborhood (which is nicer than my part), ate some lunch and went to see Poseidon. Look, to keep it short, it wasn't my favorite movie. Of course I did a review, and you can read it over at Nanostalgia.com.

Last night we headed for United Airways Center to see a pre-season WNBA match between the Phoenix Mercury and the Conneticut Sun. Hey, it was $10.00 per ticket for good seats, a Coke and a hot dog. All we paid for was a plate of nachos, which, apparently, the 90 year old lady at the concession stand took 10 minutes to "fix" herself.

I sort of dig the WNBA, mostly because seats are $10 a pop, but also because it's such a laid back atmosphere that winning or losing is sort of incidental. That, and... let me put it this way... if a bomb ever goes off at a WNBA game and the audience is wiped out, there will be nobody in the city of Phoenix to train dogs.

The Mercury doesn't have cheerleaders, but we do have something called the "Hip-Hop Squad" which is comprised of a Disney-esque team of insanely perky multi-ethnic folks, some of whom can dance. I mean, all of them can sort of dance, but only one or two actually seem to be able to dance in a way which people might find engaging. Many of the members look like elementary school teachers trying to dance. It's sort of the best/ worst thing I've seen in weeks.

I strongly suspect the Phoenix Mercury won't be taking home a national championship if this weekend's effort was any example of what Phoenix has to look forward to, but at $10-15 a ticket, I'll be back.


Anyhoo, Happy Mother's Day to all you Mom's and children of Mom's.

Melbotis Mailbag: Emergency Edition

RHPT writes:

Dear Mel,

The Mysterious M has gathered her 8 closest friends from high school in Nashville this weekend, and four of them have made camp at our house (with 4 more arriving tomorrow as reinforcements). They have overrun the house - now with women's undergarments strewn around the house [and not in the good way] - and cornered me into the office with nothing but a laptop, internet connection, two cats, and left me without food or water. Please send help.

Dear Randy,

By the time we'd get to Tennessee it would be far too late. You're on the right track with the internet connection. Beware: You can't actually stay in the room the whole time or, by the end of the weekend, the stench will be unbearable .

My recommendation, take M's momentary distraction as your cue to hit your local comic shop. It will give you a chance to get out of the house and you can finally spend some quality time (and money) looking at comics without M worrying about when you're coming home.

I also suggest possibly hitting Best Buy and/ or your local record store.

If money is an issue, you say you have two cats. It's time to teach those cats to dance. Not only will it fill the time, you can also bid your guests a nice fairwell with a small dance number. Afterward, you go on the road with those dancing cats, Randy. You'll take the world by storm.

Melbotis Mailbag!

Yes, Leaguers, it's once again time for Melbotis Mailbag! The assembled might of League HQ is here to assist you in answering all of the questions which plague you.

Natalie writes:

Here's a question for your mailbag:

Do men identify with and/or aspire to be superheroes because of their innate desire to fix every problem they come across? Do you think a superhero that just listened to the problem and didn't jump right in with a solution or a fix would be considered a failure?

-Natalie, who contrary to indications pointing otherwise is not bitter and jaded. Yet.

Natalie, my dear, it sounds as if there's a subtext suggesting you're asking something completely different from the stated question, but since I'm not exactly clear on what that question is, I will take this on at face value.

This is a little boring, but I think the answer to your first questions is: Yes. Dudes would like to be able to resolve problems easily and efficiently. This is not just ridding the world of crime, but also changing a tire, mowing the lawn and making cheeseburgers. Thus, the pneumatic wrench, the powered lawn mower and the gas grill.

Moreover, I think a lot of people wish they had greater ability (ie: superhuman ability) to resolve problems they know they cannot solve as a flesh and blood mortal. Also, men like to wear tights. We don't talk about it much, but notice the pants on football players, the outfits on winter olympians and the speed suits on swimmers.

In answer to your second question, I think you have to draw a clearer picture of "listening", and when that might be appropriate. For example, Batman probably isn't going to want to take some share and care time with a guy about to stab someone 47 times in a dark alleyway. Iron Man isn't going to hang about listening to why Kang the Conqueror should get to rule all of history.

I do think that you'll find in Superman comics that The Man of Steel generally gives everybody an opportunity to put down their weapon and give up, or at least figure out what's going on in any situation before he starts slugging people. Superman knows who he is, and so does everyboy else, so you do get an opportunity for people to pause when he shows up to, say, foil a bank robbery.

Superheroes are a largely reactive bunch, not terribly proactive. I don't think they'd necessarily be considered a failure for trying to stop and think out a situation or learn the motivation of a perpetrator. I do think if you read most comics, the characters are either placed into a position where they MUST immediately react to a clear and obvious threat. Many a comic story has been written regarding a superhero walking into a situation throwing punches first and asking questions later, only to learn that they may have taken the wrong side.

Usually superhero teams will not just go running around slugging people, there usually is some discussion of appropriate plans of action with all viewpoints considered. For good examples of this, I suggest JLA and JSA comics.


The next question was submitted by Steanso, no doubt, to see what I would be willing to print. At the risk of any potential future employer deciding this post makes me unfit for employment, here we go.

Steanso writes:

Dear Melbotis,

Can you please explain the cause and the cure for the chafing, burning sensation that Jeff Wilson experiences in his crotch region whenever he participates in any extended outdoor activity? I have suggested that the sensation may be a biproduct of the hormones which the doctor has given him in anticipation of his gender reassignment surgery, but Jeff seems skeptical about this being at the root of his problem. For the good of Crackbass and of everyone who gets stuck watching him jiggle his junk, please help.

Steanso

Dear Lord.

Well, it was just a matter of time before the bi-curious antics of Steanso and CrackBass spilled over into LoM territory. I confess that neither my information nor the database at League HQ had any immediate answers. We do know that in the old west cowboys would use something called "crotch powder" to keep themselves from chafing from the hours and hours in the saddle. I assume this is merely talc.

My suggestion, do not let anything go to chance. You must assist CrackBass in applying liberal amounts of baby powder and/ or Gold Bond Powder to the offending region.

If that doesn't work, try some tough actin' Tinactin.

Remember, Steanso, only you can make a difference.



That's all for this evenings's mailbag! Keep those letters coming.