Saturday, April 01, 2006

random comments: March - April
feel free to drop random comments in this section

Thursday, March 30, 2006

The Notorious Question Number Nine

Human sexuality. It's an odd, frightening beast. People tend to go absolutely nutzo over the topic.

With the inundation of TV into our culture, I am both relieved and grateful that you all did not decide to pick a person they knew, because I couldn't handle the fall-out. TV's given us a vast landscape of secret crushes and programs we watch for all the wrong reasons. It happens and it's okay. Just no stalking, people.

So this was every Leaguer's opportunity to reveal their secret crush.

Let me also say I'm impressed with the candor here. Although Mr. Bobcat was curiously silent...

Question 9:

I never mentioned it, but you know who is kind of hot..?

Eric Nordtrom: Lois Griffin.

Tamara: Second runner-up: Allen Greenspan. Austrian-school economics makes for sizzling pillow talk . . . plus, he sort of reminds me of Droopy Dog, for whom I also harbor a secret crush.

First runner-up: Don Rumsfeld. Supremely confident, unabashed, this man don't suffer no fools. In the words of the inimitable (thank God!) Paris, "That's hot."

Heretofore-unmentioned steaminess winner: Werner Herzog. "Burden of [MY] Dreams"!

Natalie: Anderson Cooper. Mmm.

Jim D.: Well, the way this question is asked, or at least the way that I parse it, suggests that I should name someone who you wouldn't ordinarily consider to meet the traditional definition of "hotness" but who, upon further reflection, is indeed hot.

All I can say, though, is that I have been watching the BBC show "Hustle" on AMC, and you will find my answer to this question here. Alas.

Ryan V.: Karen from Will & Grace, a show I have come to loathe.

Peabo: I’m married. I no longer look at woman like objects. Having said that, Laura Bush. Okay, maybe hot is an extreme exaggeration, but she has aged gracefully. Easily the best looking first lady ever.

Denise: Legolas Greenleaf, AKA Orlando Bloom. Not hot in other roles. Hot as an elf.

RHPT: I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to say: "Colin Farrell". Say what you will about his acting or his movies, but he's a good looking man.

Nathan: Redheads.

Social Bobcat: (editor's note: no answer.)

Maxwell: Philip Seymour Hoffman. What?

Harms: Well first of all, my honey. She's smokin'. I take it that you want someone famous though. Here goes.

Kelly Reilly. Actress, British. Starred in "L'Auberge Espagnol" and had a cameo as Mr. Bingley's sister is the new version of Pride and Prejudice. While she was undoubtedly pretty in the clever quarter-life crisis movie, she was pre-Raphaelite cripplingly stunning in the latter.

Steanso: Grace Park, who plays Lieutenant Sharon Valerii, callsign "Boomer" on Battlestar Galactica. Always been damn good looking, but there's competition on that show...

CrackBass: Justin Timberlake?

Reed-o: No doubt. Katee Sackhoff.

D. Loyd: Allyson Hannigan. And I HAVE said it.

Jamie: Hmm...I think this is a trick question for my husband to find someone to tease me about. Nonetheless, I shall answer and answer truthfully for fear of getting the Boo. Daniel Dae Kim from LOST. But I would scratch the 'kind of' from that statement.

The League: Oh my. This is a tough one. For the love of Mike, I've got a column called "Dames in the Media The League Once Dug". Do I bear any secret crushes? And how many times can I bring up Lynda Carter without getting in trouble with the wife?

It seems in poor taste on the 25th anniversary of the attempt on Pres. Reagan to bring up Jodie Foster, so I will not. But, you know, uh, Jodie Foster. She had me at "Lambs. The lambs were screaming."

Anyway, Jamie suggested I bring up the next candidate for DITMTLOD, which would be vintage-Trek Lt. Uhura. But that would be using up a perfectly good DITMTLOD. (You guys can have your Yeoman Rand. Give me a sassy comm officer any day.)

So, anyhow, I didn't bring it up, but you know who was kind of hot? "Sister Mary Jane" from the A&E series "Rollergirls". She was six feet of hard-hitting Roller Derby action. You just can't go wrong with that. And she throws a mean right hook in a fight.


I'm watching the wrong shows. Apparently the ladies of "BattleStar Galactica" are quite easy on the eye. However, Jim D., a steadfast BG supporter has turned his affections elsewhere.

I'll be honest, Peabo takes the cake for the answer that surprised me the most. He managed to trump even RHPT, who managed to find a way to answer the question without incorporating his gaga affection for The Mysterious M, which is what I had expected. Peabo, my friend of 20-odd years, you continue to blow my mind.

Shit. I totally didn't call you on your birthday. Happy belated birthday, Peabo.

Harms gets a nod for including his new girlfriend. Again, do it next year and we shall all make fun of what a sissy you've become.

Maxwell picks an unusual but understandable choice.

Nathan gives a nice blanket answer.

Natalie picks a surprising one. I fear she will become one of those weird ladies who joins an online club called something like "Anderson's Chicken-Coop".

Tamara shows a naughty side none of us suspected... quadruple points, by order of the Pentagon.

In no way does Jamie's selection surprise me. Sometimes the less you say, the more it reveals. She's just been pulling for this "Jin" fellow a suspicious amount.

Nord, my man, we're going to have to talk about your interest in bulbous headed cartoon mothers of three. You've got yourself an interesting little crush there. Care to elaborate?

Anyhoo, no "boo". Ya'll were largely honest, so I see no reason to "boo" any of you. Well, maybe Mr. Bobcat.

And, Denise, based on your apparent proclivities, have I got a man for you....

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

The Enigmatic Eighth Question.

So this turned out a little different from what I had in mind, but, you know, you're all beings of free will. And The League is here to help you voice your mind, God help us all.

Anyhoo, things get decidedly partisan up in here. So, you know, try not to go all monkeyshit on me here in the comments section if you have a beef with how this turned out.

Others of you seemed highly reluctant to participate. Suspiciously reluctant.

Question 8:

God help me, but when I saw this on the news, I was secretly gleeful

Eric Nordtrom: When Katie Couric got shit on by that bird.

Tamara: (editor's note: No answer)

Natalie: Tom Delay indicted. Heh.

Jim D.: I am not sure that any news make me gleeful, secretive or otherwise.

Ryan V: I got nothing.

Peabo: The riots in France. Of course, it is tragic that anyone would lose their life in such events, but after all their anti-American policy hullabaloo, and higher than thou attitude towards resolving Islamic fanaticism with speeches and olive branches, you had to imagine the head scratching going on when those same disgruntled Islamic youths almost burned down their city. Almost as funny as the U.N. probe revealing they were getting kickbacks and violating the food for oil program. Might want to watch the stone throwing over in that glass house you call a country.

Denise: New Orleans evacuees were evacuated from Houston during Hurricane Rita. I was seriously happy to hear this. Unfortunately, many found their way back to Houston. Hummm…how to get rid of them again…

RHPT: This is going to paint me in a bad light, but I'm always secretly gleeful when something happens that negatively affects (effects?) Bush. I don’t think it’s because I’m so partisan, but simply because he wasn’t the horse I backed. I’m highly competitive, and I hate it when the team/person/thing I’m rooting for loses and in turn I end up despising the winner. Did I mention I am a sore loser?

Nathan: The nature of this question scares me for some reason. I fear it might lead me to a dark place.

Social Bobcat: (editor's note: no answer)

Maxwell: You mean Cheney was actually holding a smoking gun?

Harms: I lament the loss of life in New Orleans, really. But I'm fascinated by Katrina's side effects

* New Orleans was a hole, a stinky, fetid, sweaty, humid hole. Yet it was something distinctly American and it deserves to rise again. Yet in America we've never seen a city razed in modern times. It seems to be our "Death in Venice" moment.

* Ray Nagin. What a nut. He should have a talk show on Fox. Chocolate city, you couldn't make that stuff up.

* Barbara Bush: Almost everyone I've talked to said we're going to move to Houston. What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas. (Said with concern.) Everybody is so overwhelmed by all the hospitality. And so many of the peoples in the arena here, you know, they're underprivileged anyway, so this--this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them.

It almost explains why GWB turned to drinking and eyebrow plucking.

* Is Tool right: The only way to fix it is to flush it all away. And will the city that returns be the Disney version: a simulacrum of real Disney?

Steanso: Hurricane Rita hits Beaumont. I already had houseguests staying with me for ACL Fest, so when my parents called me to see if they could evacuate to my house from their place in Houston, I had to tell them there was no more room at the inn. Once they found out my house wasn't an option, my parents decided to ride out the storm in Houston instead of getting a hotel or staying with my cousin in Austin, thereby setting me up for a lifetime of guilt if the hurricane had hit Houston and wreaked Katrina-like damage. Sorry, Beaumont, but thank you for avoiding Houston, Rita.

CrackBass: Civil war in Iraq. Sucks for everyone, but I just hope people get rid of GW Jr.

Reed-o: I can't narrow this one down. Again, I have been secretly gleeful each time I see the current administration screw up, and do exactly what was predicted by naysayers and experts. Whether, it's the growing disparity between rich and poor, the mishandling of Katrina, the mishandling of Iraq, the pervasive corruption, the leaking of classified information, the destruction of personal freedoms, the raping of the Constitution and Bill of Rights, the lack of funding for No Child Left Behind, the trillion dollar deficit, etc. Each time they screw the American people and the world, I am secretly gleeful because that's who the American people decided in 2004 was the best person and party to run the most powerful country in the world, but not me. You made your bed now lie in it. I think I'm getting too cynical.

D. Loyd: I can't say it. It would get me killed.

Jamie: The passing of Slobodan Milosevic. I am not one who believes in death as punishment, but this guy was one evil bastard.

The League: Jesus H. Christ, people. I was just going to say something about an olympic skiier falling off a mountain or something. This questions was actually prompted by an experience I had during the Olympics when I found myself laughing really hard and being simultaneously horrified watching someone who had knocked themself out on the luge and was still cruising down the pipe, totally unconscious. It was funny, like when a clown dies.


Well, a fair number of you like to see Bush fail. That seems to be a crowd pleaser. Depending on your POV, you must spend quite a bit of time giggling and clapping your hands. I am sure some of you are even now smoothing your ruffled feathers after reading this list. I shall keep it simple and say that the most Leaguers have a good hearty guffaw when the president is proven wrong.

The "?" goes out to Jim D., whose answer I do not understand, and if I do understand it, what sort of emotionless robot has Jim D. become? How sad.

Maxwell gets points for making me laugh.

Nordstrom gets double extra points for singling out Kouric's deserved misfortune.

D. Loyd gets points for paranoia.

Nathan wins the most points for rightfully turning away from the darkness within.

Peabo loses a few points for not finding a way to also condemn the Canadians. No particular reason. It's just part of our platform here at The League. Unreasoning hatred for Canada.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

The Stupendous Seventh Question

Boy, was this one not a very prbing question. Still, you guys all really stepped up and came up with really disgusting answers. I no longer believe any of you about anything.

Food. It's necessary to sustain life. Even plants eat nutrients and whatnot. But we're not plants, are we? No. You can tell, because we have tongues. Tongues with little tiny tastebuds all aligned differently, a print as unique as your fingerprint. So different, in fact, that we don't all just eat big bowls of grape nuts all day every day.

We also have brains. Huge, swollen, warped brains. Sometimes our brain is full of a pack of lies which only those miraculous tastebuds can wipe away. Today, we look past the pile of lies dwelling in our head and delve into the truth about chow.

Question 7:

You know what's surprisingly good, but you'd never think it ? (category: food)

Eric Nordtrom: Birria (baby goat)

Tamara: Garlic ice cream with caramel sauce from the Stinkin' Rose in San Fran. I ate it at the height of my Anorexia, for Heaven's sake. That's got to be a pretty strong testament to its yumminess . . . in a sick sort of way.

Natalie: Whew, what a broad category. Umm. Blue Bell's Banana Pudding Ice Cream?

Jim D.: Arizona Diet Green Tea. I can't get enough of that stuff.

Ryan V.: Rice Crackers with Nuts oriental snack mix from Costco.

Peabo: The spinach & pineapple health shake at the vegetarian restaurant near my house.

Denise: Sushi.

RHPT: My stir-fry Spam recipe. Everyone thinks it's gross, but once they try it, they admit it's really good. I lived on it through college.

Nathan: A well-prepared salad can actually taste good.

Social Bobcat: Peanut butter and banana sandwiches - probably one of the few things that Elvis and I would have agreed upon

Maxwell: Well we know it's not the Jones Soda Thanksgiving Feast.

Harms: Korean Barley Tea. For my palette I always considered Barley to be only
ingestible in beer format, but a Korean co-worker introduced me and I rather
enjoy it.

Steanso: surprisingly good food- the corn dog shrimp at Moonshine

CrackBass: Truffle oil

Reed-o: A few of Jen's tofu receipes. Purple cow - grape juice and vanilla ice cream

(later, Reed sent this in) Clarification on #7. Purple cow was a second response. There is no tofu in a purple cow.

D. Loyd: Steamed Cod Eyeballs.

Jamie: Cinn-A-Stack French Toast at IHOP . So sweeeeeeeeet. They're delicious!

The League: I dunno. Uhm. The McRib.


Wow. No two Leaguers wanted to share their love of the same food. ach of you is as unique as your tongueprint. Congrats.

Boo goes out to Mr. Bobcat for simultaneously praising the peanut butter and nanner sandwich while dissing the King. We have few rules here at The League, but one of them is that we do not discuss the ugly realities of The King and, rather, choose to believe in the imaginary icon that The King should mean to us all.

Also, a "boo" for Nord who is eating the very cute baby goats. You've made Jamie cry. She loves the cute baby goats.

Special points for Tamara for not running in fear from.. what was it? Garlic ice cream? That sounds great with, like, artichoke sauce. Bleah. I'm going to have to take your word on that. At least you were keeping the vampires away while getting a delicious treat.

Well, this has been a real eye-opener for us here at The League. You people seem willing to shove any old item down your food hole as long as someone tells you it's okay, and you don't even need a bet to do it.

You're all crazy. Aside from Steanso, who stuck close to Steans Bros. nature and chose the deep fried item. And Jamie. Who chose "Sugar" as her answer. And Jim, who chose "tea". That sounds safe. I might actually try it.
We have early, unconfirmed reports that LaLa is engaged.

stay tuned as events develop.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Words fail me.


Thanks to Jim D. for the link.
The Stupendous Sixth Question

We're more or less off and running. Hope you guys took a break for the weekend. I did.

The sixth question was produced in order to get ya'll to open up and tell The League a little bit about yourself. Some of you went macrocosmic, some of you went a little more personal. Some of you play your cards a little close to the vest. And a heck of a lot of you went gushy. Here's how it trickled out...

Question 6:

You know what was the most amazing day this year?

Eric Nordtrom: The day I won my first trial.

Tamara: (editor's note: no answer. but I am sure she meant to say "The day I realized how fulfilling it is to participate in The League of Melbotis Awards.")

Natalie: Personally? Moving into my own apartment for the first time in my life. Globally? Live 8? I guess?

Jim D.: No, please tell me. I must have missed it. In fact, I know I did.

Ryan V.: Umm….

Peabo: Okay, it wasn’t 2005, but the Rose Bowl. Hell, even the Rose Bowl against Michigan was great. Or the Ohio St. game (which I was at as well). I don’t cry easily, but I experienced levels of euphoria and joy that are too sacred to mention. Best. Game. Ever.

Denise: Turning 30 while in Jamaica. Spent the day with my husband snorkeling, sailing on a catamaran, horseback riding, swimming, eating and getting very drunk. Ahhh..Yeah Mon! No problem, Mon! Irie. Irie. Will I go back? Yeah Mon!

RHPT: Every day I spend with my loving wife is amazing.

Nathan: You would think I would say March 18, 2006, the day Samantha was born, but I think I would vote for the next day, the day it finally sank in, as Renata and I rested in our darkened hospital room, watching "The Ten Commandments" on a hospital TV, the rain gently brushing the window, and Sam-I-Am swaddled up a few feet away.

Social Bobcat: the day i messed around playing hoops and got a triple-double; i didn't even have to use my AK, i have to say it was a good day, nay an amazing one.

Maxwell: The day Texas won the National Championship. Do you believe? We believe! Texas! Texas! Yee-haw!

Harms: The most amazing day was the day my girlfriend and I went to San Francisco for the first time together. It was something that I knew would be a nice day, but I never knew how nice.

We drove up early in the morning and found good parking in The Mission. We walked to Ti Couz and had great breakfast crepes. She looked great and her hair was so soft. She wore a knit pink sweater that buttoned up near the throat.

After breakfast we wandered up the mission streets and I went to Borderlands and bought, from an independent book seller, the new Harry Potter. After that we drove up to the Golden Gate and walked across it together.

The fog was coming in thick and billowy and about halfway across you couldn't see either spit of land. We stood and listened to the fog-horns bellow and I thought about just how great she was.

She tells me that when she got to the other side she decided she was in love with me. I love this idea: we started as a boy and a girl on a bridge, we ended a boy and a girl in the early rush of love with one another.

It was a good day.

Steanso: I'm not sure I had an amazing day this year, which in retrospect is potentially depressing. How many other people had amazing days? (I'm sure that people who got married or had a kid or something will plug that in as their "amazing day", but I didn't do any of that. I had lots of good days, but they were mostly just collections of small moments spent with friends, family, and Cassidy. Back when I was out of work last summer I remember having one day when I was floating in Barton Creek with just Cassidy and no one else was at the creek and I could hear birds, bugs, wind in the trees, and water gurgling and it was just insanely peaceful and relaxing and I had one of those moments of realization which rarely occur while you're living them in which I thought, "This is just about perfect..."

CrackBass: I imagine the horns winning the Rose Bowl, is the one that stands out…

Reed-o: May 16th, 2005

No question. The day my wife, Jennifer, gave birth to our first child, a daughter, Meredith Cynthia Shaw at home, without drugs, and a 30 plus hour labor. The most amazing thing I have ever seen a human being do.

D. Loyd: 2/21/06. My daughter's birthday.

Jamie: Since the year is only a few months old, I'd say last Saturday. My brother, Doug, and his girlfriend Kristen were here and we all went to the zoo. Every day at the zoo is a happy day! Yay aminals!!

The League: Infidels! I have scientific proof that the greatest event in recent memory was UT's victory in the Rose Bowl game. I could not sleep. I could not work the day afterward. You all can have the births of your babies and falling in love. I wanted my national championship.

Also, seeing Jamie in the recovery room post-surgery on the day after Thanksgiving, and knowing all had gone well. Thanks to the drugs, she couldn't remember seeing me immediately after surgery, but she could remember that The Suns had won their game.

Also, the day Lucy actually "sat" on command. We thought we'd gotten our hands on the first dog to survive without a brain. Sadly, that was also the last command Lucy ever really learned.

A day that should not go without mention: The bizarro day in Beaumont with Jim D., RHPT, Peabo, Steanso and Jamie. A wonderful day despite the technical difficulties.


Well, from a numerical standpoint, ya'll are having a lot of babies. It's babies ahoy here at The League of Melbotis. You guys have to fight over which kid wins. The League does not play favorites. Also, isn't it time CrackBass got cranking and had a kid? If you don't step up to the plate, I am sure Steanso will...

UT Football also gets a mad shout out for it's National Championship and for reminding Southern Californians that just because they think so doesn't make it so.

The "Boo" goes out to Jim D. for his failure to identify anything pleasant in the past year. Randy is a close contender for being completely whipped.

Ryan V. gets the coveted "..." award for his non-answer.

No special award is given out on this one, which mean everyone who tried on this one gets the award. It's too tough to pick one out when people are sharing a unique experience.

Oh, heck, Peabo wins extra points for admitting to weeping like a wee school girl over a football game. The League, being manly, swears he didn't cry. Really.

Folks with babies win other extra points for showing promise as parents. However, we'll check back in 14 years to see how that's going. By the way, learn how works now.

Steanso wins special points for admitting he'd make a great bum. Which, really, gives him negative points.

And, lastly, Harms gets special mention for having a lovely vignette to share, which, if repeated, will lead him into RHPT territory next year. Congrats on finding love, Harms. It's the biggest miracle in this crooked old world when two folks can find one another and the planets and stars align in your favor.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Jamie turns 31

It's March 25th, which means that we stand on the eve of Peabo's birthday.

It ALSO means that Jamie turns 31 today. In our house, we celebrate birthdays.

flowers and a balloon for the birthday girl

As youc an imagine, much of the celebrating took place while Jamie's parents, my parents and D&K were here. So today has been low-key.

First off was a trip to secure Jamie's birthday donuts, followed by consumption of donuts.

Around 12:00 we headed to Chandler Lanes for some bowling.

My first game in five years I bowled a 133. Not bad if I say so myself. Then I bowled a 95. Jamie bowled over 100 in both games. I loves the bowling, but it's kind of an odd thing to do with just two people and a lack of booze to keep your heand steady.

This afternoon I made a cake.

a birthday cake for a birthday girl

Jamie supplements her first piece of cake with a small addition

All in all, so far, a nice day. Yes, UT lost their game, but we're in a pretty good mood here, anyway. We will soon head for a local Thai restaurant, where I shall order a delicious soup.

Jamie and Lucy enjoy some sunshine. Mel is unpictured as he is retrieving a ball.

Happy birthday, sweetie-pie.

if you look closely, you can see Jeff on the floor enjoying a sunbeam

Friday, March 24, 2006


People, or more specifically RHPT, keep asking me to discuss "Snakes on a Plane".

I don't actually know anything about "Snakes on a Plane" other than that the title sums up the premise, it stars Samuel L. Jackson, and it's become this weird internt virus thingy.

And, @#$% yeah I'm going to see this movie when it comes out. Snakes on a Plane? Heck, yeah.

For more on "Snakes on a Plane", visit the official "Snakes on a Plane" site here.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Sports Stuff

Amare's back. He scored 20 points and 9 rebounds in his first game of the NBA season.

One other nice touch... The Suns beat the Trailblazers 125-108.

And.... Duke lost. Peabo is in the corner rocking himself and weeping.
The Fabulous Fifth Question

Tamara is the only intelligent contestant, but that means she also won't win this category. Sorry, doll.

Here we discuss TV. We know that 99% of programming is dumb. Even the ridiculous crud they show during the PBS telethons is 78% unwatchable hoo-hah. What's really sad is that TV, when launched, was seen as the great equalizer, allowing anyone to have access to information, anytime, anywhere. Instead, we filled our laughing box with Milton Berle in a dress, lit up the Osmonds, gave Geraldo Rivera a platform and wound up with a show called Temptation Island.

We should all be eradicated like cockroaches.


Question #5: It is bad television, and yet I cannot look away

Eric Nordtrom: Dancing with the Stars.

Tamara: Once again, yer movin' pitcher box makes me skeered!

Natalie: Any Houston Texans football game.

Jim D.: This is a tough one. I'd have to say American Idol, which I can't stop watching. I really can't. I probably need help. Someone help me.

Ryan V.: I don’t know if it’s bad, per se, but I love Nip/Tuck. And, like Jimbo, I still tune in to watch American Idol (though I DVR it and usually cover an episode in 1/4 of the time).

Peabo: Nanny 911. It is pure greatness. Some of these kids run the household. Kids like that are the reasons sweatshops were invented.

Denise: Project Runway. I can’t help myself. I like watching gay men in catfights.

RHPT: Drawn Together. It's incredibly vulgar and offensive, but I am compelled to watch anything animated. A close second would be Alias. The show stopped being good long ago, but I'm a creature of habit.

Nathan: The closest thing I can think of is "Dancing with the Stars," which made me smile-a-plenty.

Social Bobcat: Deal or No Deal - it's fun to watch the contestants and their families slowly lose their grip on reasonableness and statistics

Maxwell: Project Runway. Don't look so shocked, Andrae.

Harms: I have so little time I have virtually no time for TV, let alone bad.

Steanso: Wife Swap. When goat-blood-drinking Wiccan high priestesses are mixed with the families of fanatically conservative Bible thumping fundamentalists, comedy gold is bound to ensue.

CrackBass: American Idol. I hate it, but I watch for the train wreck. And I feel like a stupid American that I hate when I do so.

Reed-o: Texas A&M football (editor's note: Knowing Reed the way I do, this made me cry a little bit. Poor little fella.)

D. Loyd: The first weeks of Idol.

Jamie: American Idol. I think I've missed maybe 2 episodes throughout it's entire run. I *know* it's terrible but I can't stop!

The League: This question was inspired by the fact that I wrote these questions while watching a DVR'd Flavor of Love. Many of you will say that DVR has saved you from the floatsam and jetsam of the TV landscape. At The League of Melbotis, it has done nothing but make bad TV all the more convenient.

Yes, it's exactly the same formula as ABC's The Bachelor, but who cares about former cheerleaders who all look like JC Penney's catalog underwear models trying to justify their banality and pursuing the guy from the sport coats section of the Kohl's catalog?

Leaguers, I submit to you... How can I go wrong watching ex-crackhead and hype-man Flava Flav as he is woo'ed by 20 LA dwelling reality TV show bottomfeeders? Flav is not but a 13-year old in a 46 year old man's body. What to do when presented with so many women fighting for your attention? I'll tell you what you do. You repeatedly shout your own name and demand that the girls be "real."

That "New York" chick was also a total bitch.


What is that, four or five for American Idol and a few for Dancing with the Stars and Project Runway?

American Idol seems to be an odds-on favorite, and given its ratings, I am not surprised a few of you confessed to giving into the addictive quality of the program. You'll note Jamie watches the show, which means The League must suffer through as well. And I'll tell you something, Leaguers: That Ace guy needs a cock punching.

The formula is simple, the drama is simple and gripping. You can even miss a week and pop right back in, learning instantly waht you missed at the beginning of the next week's episodes. Randy and Paula may be remarkable entertainers and/ or musicians, but they are lackluster judges. We all know it's Simon, who says what we're all thinking anyway, who runs that show.

Anyhoo, I can, and frequently do, look away. My recommendation? Listen to Ryan V. The show is about 40% commercials and another 45% filler. DVR the show and then watch before voting time is over. You'll miss Randy's prattling and Paula's drugged-out monologues. Listen to the singer and then Simon and then stand in judgment. This formula has kept our marriage alive.

That said, it is a crap show that we've somehow all come to agree upon. In twenty years, when VH1 is runnin it's "I Heart the 00's" special in some form of meta-postmodern sly winking and nodding, you know kids will stare at the TV and say "THIS was the biggest show on TV? WHY?" And you, you will have no answer.

Who gets the "Boo"? Oh, please. It's totally Harms, who is "too busy" to watch TV. Pfft. You have iTunes and a commute, do you not, Mr. I'm Too Good For Dr. Phil?

Tamara, while confessing she has no TV, showed the proper respect for us couch zombies by showing an adequate level of shame at her no-TV-havin'-lifestyle.

Best response? Me. Because I freakin' love Flava Flav. How is this man not in public office?

I can't do that, can I...?

Oh, heck, It's Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat). Steanso and Peabo (and maybe the Social Bobcat) get the award for demonstrating the proper level of misanthropy when it comes to reality television subjects.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


Movies. We all watch them. Some of us decided we'd rather watch movies than getting a real college degree. We've all seen thousands of movies, and a lot of them we can agree are pretty good. Others, we might agree, just suck.

We've already looked at the detritus of the film industry of the past year. Now, let's take a look at what we went into without much in the way of an expectation and walked out pleasantly surprised. A rare quality in a film, indeed.

So, what was my thought provoking query?

You know what was surprisingly good, but you'd never think it? (category: movie)

Eric Nordtrom: Pride and Prejudice.

Tamara: Match Point. I truly didn't believe that Woody Allen had it in him to make another movie worth viewing. And Scarlet Johansen--very tasty, indeed.

Natalie: Hitch -- cute, cute, cute. (Don't tell anyone, though.)

Jim D.: War of the Worlds (which was a very interesting portrayal of the American refugee experience and more serious in tone than most action-adventure alien flicks) and The 40 Year Old Virgin (which, though vulgar, was well written and actually clever, amusing, and possessed some level of heart). So rarely is a film "surprisingly good," though, although there are a few movies here and there which, although not "surprisingly good" may indeed rebut the presumption that they are crap.

Ryan V.: Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith.

Yes, it was over-the-top. But it was still good. After kicking us the crotch for two lifeless, C-SPAN-esque prequels, Lucas finally delivered a dark, enjoyable film.

Peabo: Cinderella Man. I just think it is tough to do a movie that is centered around boxing and avoid it being predictable or cliché. Since it was based on a true story, you knew it may not have a happy ending, and since I didn’t know the history or story of the boxer I really didn’t know how it would end.

Denise: Munich. Saw it on a whim and enjoyed it. Mossad entertaining? Yep.

RHPT: Be Cool. It was a fun, irreverent movie, and Andre 3000 was hilarious.

Nathan: The Phantom of the Opera (musical from last year)

Social Bobcat: Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo - yes, it has Rob Schneider in it and yes, most of his encounters with clients are mildly funny at best, but the main gigolo, gay aquarium repairman, and Eddie Griffith man-pimp more than make up for the cost of admission.

Maxwell: In Her Shoes. A screener was sent to me and I didn't hate it.

Harms: I finally saw Anchorman and it was hilarious. They mis-marketed the hell out of that thing. It should have been sold as an Apatow vehicle (tender, yet humiliating) and not a Will Ferrell vehicle (Puerile, but occasionally hil-aryous, and then usually involving urine).

Apatow / Feig style production triumphed again this year with "40 Year-old Virgin".

Steanso: DeadBirds

CrackBass: Constantine…overcame Keanu, and not nearly as bad as I expected. Does that count?

Reed-o: Sideways

I hate to admit it because it's such a yuppie movie, but I did enjoy it and the actor who was on Wings was pretty funny in it.

Jamie: World's Fastest Indian. Being a regular reader of Entertainment Weekly (I know...for shame! for shame! Hey, it's a great bathroom read) this one shockingly fell beneath my radar.

I can't tell you how long it's been since I saw a movie where I knew absolutely nothing about the premise going in. Enjoyable for Ryan, me, my parents, and his parents, which is not an easy challenge! Very cute movie.

The League: I dunno. Jamie just picked my first selection. I wasn't as wary about 40 Year-old Virgin as some. In Good Company with Scarlett Johannson (sp?), Topher Grace and Dennis Quaid was also a better movie than I thought it would be, even if I felt the ending was a pretty firm departure from reality. I suspect the producers wanted an ending that the original screenplay probably didn't have.


I am surprised Jim D. didn't take this opportunity to admit his secret love of King Kong.

No single movie really took the lead here for most responses. Kind of nice. Look at all the movies you have available to you that you didn't know about previously.

The "Boo" goes out to Nordstrom. Pride and Prejudice? You owe us a 200 word explanation of why this one would fall beneath your expectations.

I also get a "boo" for not having a better answer to my own question.

The response answer is a tie between Denise, because she made me laugh, and The Social Bobcat, for actually seeing a Deuce Bigalow movie ans sticking by his guns. I mean, really, how many of you guys bashing Deuce Bigalow actually saw the movie?
V for Vendetta

I did a little comic versus film comparison. You can see it at

Go there now, citizen.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Mellie Awards Special Report: The "Boo"

The League feels the need to step up to the plate and explain the "Boo" which has been appearing in the past few columns.

As we examine the responses of the Loyal Leaguers kind enough to send in answers to the puzzles that plague us here at League HQ, our team of researchers was looking for specific patterns which might help us better define the zeitgeist of the League-o-Sphere, and, possibly, the universe itself.

We noted that many Loyal Leaguers chose to not only take a pass on certain questions, but actively refused to answer some questions. Other Leaguers took such exception that blanket statements criss-crossing entire industries were delivered instead of answering the, admittedly, open-ended question.

Why a "Boo"?

It's all in good fun. Quit taking it so seriously. Geez, louise.

We've decided if anything is more entertaining than taking a stance on an entire industry, it's got to be taking exception to someone not dwelling in the minutia and pettiness that it takes to complete the nomination form for the Mellies.

Here at the Mellies, we like to think of ourselves celebrating the utter inanity of modern life, so we hope you'll understand a little good-natured teasing when you see fit to try to bring up the conversation above a fifth-grade level.

So, why a "boo"? What's a better time than booing people? You've clearly stated your dismissal of another person's ideals in three simple letters which are completely childish and simultaneously end all debate. At least it's not the "talk to the hand" award.

Here we are in Day 3 of the results. Hope all is going well with you.

We're moving on down the list here in Day 3 with our third question. This question may not have been my best choice as I don't keep up too well with the popular music. Ah, well, it's too late. Gotta run with it.

Oh, beware some PG-13 to R Level profanity in the post below. It's all in good fun.

So, on to Question #3:

Most poorly thought-out band/album/ song

Eric Nordtrom: Anything from anyone who ever appeared on, or won, American Idol.

Tamara: (editor's note: No response, so we'll say, hmmm... instead of something she doesn't like, we'll make up something about TST being a huge Justin Timberlake fan.)

Natalie: Again, soooo many, but if I hear the song "Laffy Taffy" one more time, I'm going to vomit. (editor's note: I have not heard this song. I must iTunes it.)

Jim D.: Without question, "My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas (who also win this category for most poorly thought-out band and album as well as song). Now, I'm not expecting lyrical genius from the group that brought us "Let's Get Retarded," but surely performers who have, presumably, sought fame their whole lives would prefer not to release something that is ridiculously stupid. Suppose a record company gives you several million dollars to create a record which will receive some amount of attention because of preexisting fame. If you, the performer, know that your record will appear in stores throughout the land, prompt your video will be played endlessly/ceaselessly on MTV, and lavish upon you even more fame in riches, wouldn't you want it to be good? Or at least, not laughable? Is perfectionism dead? Do you really just need to concern yourself with image once you have a record deal?

Ryan V. X&Y by Coldplay. They showed potential with Parachutes and A Rush of Blood to the Head. But after all the hype, they failed to deliver. Unlike U2 (the band they most want to be), they lack substance. Their songs are lyrically stupid but aurally intoxicating.

Peabo: Ashley Simpson/any album by Ashley Simpson/any song by Ashley Simpson. She is the untalented unattractive version of her sister. But apparently they share the same lofty intellect.

Denise: Tommyland The Ride by Tommy Lee. Terrible idea to make an album with this guy. His only talent is that he was born with a huge unit.

RHPT: Kevin Federline's upcoming album. 'nuff said.

Nathan: I'm not up on current bands to answer this one thoughtfully.

Social Bobcat:

band: Creed - blah, mushy rock music akin to a bowl of holy banana pudding
song: "My Humps" - the displeasing imagery? the droning repetitiveness of the rhymes?

Maxwell: R. Kelly's Trapped in A Closet*.

*This might actually be the most well thought out song of the year.

Harms: Thanks to owning an iPod I'm blessedly insulated from most things. I have heard a few samples on the iTunes Music store which sounded pretty bad. I think that there should be a ban on those whiny half sung angst-teens though.

I think that Blink 182 did it best and that's enough so fall-out b-...

Oh wait, it really hit me.

I hate Maroon 5. Cloyingly unoriginal lines like "I wanna make you feel beautiful" lacked poetry, substance, cleverness, it's so uninspired and...

Oh wait, now it really hit me.

"Look at this Photograph..."

That band, the guy who should cut his hair (sorry my wavy-haired brother, long hair is not our fate) - God how I loathe them. Their lyrics were:

"how did our eyes get so red (ho ho pot reference) / what the hell is that thing on Joey's head"

Oh my God, it doesn't take me back to a pleasant nostalgia ( as compared to Brian Adams' "Summer of '69") it makes me groan under the lumbering rhyme scheme. Gagggh.

(editor's note: This is "Nickelback". I'll get to them later.)

Oh wait, R. Kelley's "Trapped in the Closet" man that was bad. Although based on the record sales, he's laughing all the way to the bank.

Steanso: R. Kelly/ Trapped in the Closet. Or maybe Crack/John Cougar Menstrual Cramp/True Love Part I

CrackBass: Well, it has to be Goblin Cock. Sorry. I know this violates all the rules, but it is just wrong to see it on an endcap in my local cd store. I also love it

Reed-o: Just like film, there's so many each year. I guess I'll go with

Beverly Hills by Weezer


Stacy's Mom by Fountains of Wayne

Those songs annoy me. Mostly because you expect this bubblegum crap in pop, but it's now infiltrating alternative bands (if you can call bands like that alternative anymore).

Jamie: "My Humps" - Black Eyed Peas. 'Poorly thought-out' is definitely a personal opinion due to the success of this song. But take a peak at the lyrics minus the accompaniment and see if you laugh as much as I did:

The League: Christ. Really. As much as I want to make fun of other bands, "My Humps" is just... When I was 22 I was working at Camelot records. One glorious morning, shortly after opening, a girl no older than twelve came into the store, wandered over to the Hip-Hop section, returned to counter and loudly asked "Ya'll got any booty music?" I was perplexed.
"Booty music?"
She, of course, rolled her eyes at the old, unhip geezer behind the counter, placed her hands on her hips and declared again "Booty music. Ya'll got any booty music?"
"What is booty music?"
"You know... Booty Music."
"No," I sighed. "I have no idea what you're talking about. And, I might add, you're 12. I'm fairly certain you do not need to be listening to anything called 'Booty Music'."

I think this song was scientifically formulated to haunt me for upsetting that little girl that day. Now, millions of twelve year old girls are, undoubtedly, dancing around their rooms and memorizing the words to "My Humps", mistaken in their belief that this song is in any way a good idea.

Also, Nickelback deserves a cock punching of cosmic proportions.


I find it interesting that R. Kelly got a nod from, what, three of you..? But it was also a knowing nod of respect for the enormous bag of money R. Kelly would earn with his R&B opus. If you have not seen the entire series of videos tied to this song, I HIGHLY recommend seeing them. Apparently R. Kelly has gone completely batshit insane. Maybe escaping child molestation charges and surrounding yourself with an army of yes-men will do that to you.

That said, a LOT of people bought this record.

The winner is, of course "My Humps".

Now, bear witness to just some of the amazing lyrics of "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas

What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,Get you love drunk off my hump.
What you gon' do with all that ass?All that ass inside them jeans?
I'ma make, make, make, make you scream
Make you scream, make you scream.
What you gon do with all that junk?All that junk inside that trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk,
Get you love drunk off this hump.
What you gon' do wit all that breast?All that breast inside that shirt?
I'ma make, make, make, make you work
Make you work, work, make you work.

Wow. You Leaguers who fancy yourself to be musicians... this... this is what the people are listening to. Give up now and save yourself the heartache.

The "Boo" goes out to Nathan who refuses to give it a shot. I feel a little bad because Nathan actually works at Texas Public Radio and is a huge music fan. It's just that all the guys he adores are named things like Miles and Herbie. Sadly, here at The League, these are NOT good reasons to not be familiar with the shame that Ashley Simpson brings our nation.

The Special award goes out to Jim D. for his unfiltered critique of The Black Eyed Peas and his plea for sanity in a world gone mad.
Reason enough for me to break and buy an X-Box?

Justice League videogame coming!

With this and the coming Superman Returns game, I am freaking out.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Question NUMERO DOS:

Most questionable release from a major movie studio (theatrical release)

Eric Nordtrom: Bewitched. I will never, ever see it.

Tamara: War of the Worlds=Waste of My Afternoon. Just stop it, Stevo! For
the love of your legacy, just stop it!

Natalie: Oh, there are so many, but because I've had to watch this one umpteen times (and want to cry in frustration every time), I'm going with "Son of the Mask."

Jim D.: Every release from a major movie studio is questionable. Is it possible to narrow it down to just one? There are easy, easy targets like Big Momma's House II and the Deuce Bigalow sequel. There is self important detritus like Crash (wherein Hollywood finally lets us, the great unwashed in flyover country, know that we really all do need to get along). The burden is on the studio to prove that their latest release is not crap, and this is a burden the studio execs are either unaware of or (more likely) simply don't care about at all. (I had to ad the "at all" to that preceding sentence so that it wouldn't end in a preposition, but even with that addition, it still is lazy writing. Sigh.).

Ryan V.: King Kong.

Peabo: War of the Worlds. Seriously, the story line wasn’t that great the first time around when we didn’t know it. I expect more of Spielberg. You can’t just expect to put Spielberg and Cruise on a poster and expect us just lap it up because you’ve entertained us before. I mean give us some kind of Mark Singer pealing aliens fake rubber human faces off, anything, something !

Denise: -Sahara. I was forced to watch this stinker while flying to New York. The movie plot includes buried treasure in Nigeria(as if), American Civil War flashbacks, toxic waste potentially killing all life on the planet, Doctors Without Borders, Matthew McConaughey getting fired out of a 150 year old cannon, and evil warlords. The only reason I did not pluck my eyes out to prevent watching this was that McConaughey was a nice piece of eye candy.

RHPT: Rent and The Producers. I really like Rent, having seen it at least four times, and was very excited to see it turned into a motion picture. However, the movie fell flat. It lacked the energy and passion of the play.

I've never seen the Broadway version of The Producers, but I thought the movie was boring and overly long. I excepted much more from a play that garnered so many accolades.

Nathan: Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo.

Social Bobcat: -The Shaggy Dog - who the eff thinks that Tim Allen + poorly done CGI of a man knocking over an old lady equals comedy gold? (runner-up: just about any movie that Steve Martin has come out with in the last five to ten years. Steve, is that new boat worth the cost of your dignity?)

Maxwell: Did they really release a film this year based on the "Have you checked the children..." scary story? Did anyone else think of Joey on Friends and "but she's been dead for seven years..." bit?

Harms: Wow, I saw two horrible "scary movies" in 2005: "Hide and Seek" and "White
". What absolute stinkers. The latter had an interesting premise and it's clear that the writer decided to go hump grass or something when writing the ending rather than refer to the first half of the screenplay at which the second half was totally at odds."

I discuss this failure at:

The former was terrible. It's a horrible black mark on the career of R. DeNiro. It's predictable, formulaic, with a flat, boring menace. Dakota Fanning was creepy, but that may just be a side effect of hanging around Tom Cruise a lot that year.

DeNiro is a great actor when given material that breathes through an Italian-American respirator. His appearances on SNL are abysmal and as flat as his work in this movie. Terrible. Terrible. I hope the director or producers are friends of his because they really got a big favor out of his lending his name to that steamy pile of gorilla urine.

Steanso:The Dukes of Hazzard
Do we really need to recreate this? Do Confederate flags and redneck values need more of a push at coming back into fashion? (CrackBass) will argue that we got a good Jessica Simpson video out of it, but I would counterargue that we still would have gotten something out of Jessica Simpson this year in which she would have been rolling around half naked, even if this movie had never been made ?


The Ape

The guy who plays Harry Osborne in the SM movies stars (and wrote, and directs!!!)this one about “A young writer, nearing a mental breakdown caused by his family and boss, moves into an apartment occupied by a walking, talking, foul-mouthed ape in a Hawaiian shirt and Converse High Tops” And they couldn’t get funding for the remaining two films in M. Night’s Unbreakable trilogy????

Reed-o: There's so many each year. Even though I didn't see them, I guess I
will go with

Duece Bigalow: European Gigolo

I would say Catwoman, but the initial premise itself isn't bad. Just poorly written, and executed. Everything about Duece Bigalow strikes me as bad. Did the first Duece Bigalow really gross enough to warrant a second movie? I hate Rob Schneider.

Jamie: Over the Hedge. This CG (as if there is any other kind these days) animated tale has yet to be released, but has already elicited groans from the League household. I believe there have been no fewer than three 'cartoons' in the past year featuring talking animals forced out of their comfortable environments.

The League:

Movie I saw: Probably Son of the Mask. Why would the studio want to punish us for enjoying the first film, even as a lazy Saturday afternoon lark? Luckily I saw this on cable. Not exactly free, but a fraction of the cost of paying to see a movie with a discernable odor.

Movie I did not see: Impossible to say. So much out there. Lots of stupid looking kids movies (Chicken Little), pointless romantic comedies (Rumor Has It) moronic horror flicks (How is their a 3rd Final Destination? For the love of @#$), movies for 9 year old girls which brutally reinforce gender roles (Aquamarine), movies about dudes in the hood trying to make it as a rapper (one of these, I believe, was Oscar nominated) and just a lot of junk (why are they still paying Martin Lawrence to do anything? Oh, yeah... #1 opening weekend, eh?) . There was probably a lot of bloated, self-indulgent junk, but I think I missed a lot of it.


Man, ya'll really do not like Rob Schneider. That's three of you that singled out Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalow. Spielberg's War of the Worlds also seemed to draw quite a bit of ire. I did see War of the Worlds, and I liked the original better. None of the additions Spielberg added made any damn sense.

Jim gets the "Boo" for taking the snotty way out and condemning each and every movie made and/ or released by a studio (very film school of you, Jimbo). However, it's tough to argue with some of his examples.

CrackBass scores special points for his identification of a movie nobody ever heard of, and, I think, actually sitting through a movie with an ape in sneakers.

However, it is Steanso who brings up the best point about a completely unnecessary movie, Dukes of Hazzard and his astute observation re: Whatsername Simpson's inevitable decline into rolling around the hoods of cars.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

THE 2006 Mellies Results:

Okay, the results are in. We had a startlingly large number of nominees/ responses this year. A few people didn't bother to send anything in despite what I assumed was regular reading of the site. No harm, no foul. The results will be coming out in a slow trickle over the next two weeks.

So, on to the show....

Question 1:

The person who is always on TV, but whom drives me insane

Eric Nordtrom: Ann Coulter

Tamara: I don't own a television, so I think that I'm ill-qualified to answer this one.

Natalie: Bill O'Reilly. Someone please shut him up!

Jim D.: This is a difficult question to answer, as in the era of DVR, I really only watch what I preset my Tivo to record, and I am not in the habit of recording programs featuring people who are always on TV and who drive me insane. If pressed, I would have to say celebutante/heirhead Paris Hilton, someone who is not famous for any talent or contribution to society, but rather because she is dumb, sordid, and (at least in her own mind) trendy. In fact, looking at her guest appearances on IMDB, she is always on television. I was particularly irked when she appeared on the usually clever "Veronica Mars," the producers of which appeared to be slumming it by casting this wealthy oxygen thief. I think she appeared in an unnecessary throwaway cameo on "The O.C.," back when that program was worth watching. Perhaps that was the beginning of the end?

Ryan V. :
And my wife loves her. (And DVRs every episode.)
There is no escape.

Peabo: Bill Maher (I know, it’s not t.v., it’s HBO). I used to like him, back when he was funny and made a little bit of an effort to see both sides of an issue, but now he is such an apologist for anything that is anti-Bush he has zero credibility. There is plenty of legitimate criticism to be made of Bush without having to resort to idiotic sensationalism and hyperbole.

Denise: -Close tie: Michael Moore or Al Frankin. Two completely delusional and paranoid idiots. Get your schizoaffective disorders in check! Take the damn Haldol!

RHPT: The kids who are on MTV's insipid shows.

Nathan: The Geico gecko. I used to like him until he started talking in a bad British accent. (note from the editor: The Geico gecko is not technically a person, but a lizard. And is also, technically, a cartoon. We accept Nathan's response based upon the fact that we went to the same high school and are aware of the poor quality of the science curriculum at said high school)

Social Bobcat: - John Gibson - normally i wouldn't know of his existence but our TVs at work are constantly on FOX News. i think he's inflammatory (war on christmas!) and he looks weird

Maxwell: Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony. He's orange. Does he drink too much carrot juice? Or is he an alien who has already infiltrated the Christian conservative right and who plans to eventually breed the entire globe based on 29 points of "similarity" in order to produce the yummiest humans ever?

Harms: Thanks to a Tivo and an HDivo I rarely see TV but that I want to see, thus I'm not particularly driven insane by it. I'll just say Paris Hilton because I'm tired of her being in every medium possible.

Steanso: probably Katie Couric. No, Barbara Walters. Nope. It's gotta be Katie Couric. Damn you, America's sweetheart! Every time I watch you I can feel IQ points melting out through my ears.

CrackBass: Donald Trump. I know that is his role. But I really, really dislike him.

Reed-o: I don't know if this qualifies, but I'm getting real sick of the voice actor for those "Priceless" MasterCard commercials. You know what would be priceless for me - seeing the MasterCard priceless commercial campaign come to an end.

Jamie: Nancy Grace. So maybe she's not on TV ALL the time, but each night that I make dinner I turn on the telly for some background noise and there she is, shrieking about all current injustices!

The League:

The dude I can't stand most: I'm trying to think of a "TV Personality" who makes me want to run screaming from the room, and I'm hard pressed. I tune so much out. My first thought was the salivating moron of "Mad Money", but then I thought Wolf Blitzer probably should snag this one this year if I'm too pick someone from a "news" network. Nay, I'm going obvious and giving it to Tom Cruise for being such an insufferable jack-ass. Nobody speaks to Lauer that way, Cruise! NO ONE!!!

Lady: Not so long ago, the answer might have been Oprah, and then I watched this thing on PBS about her life and, dammit, it made me respect her. It's just not fair. She used to really bug me. So, for the woman I can't stand most, I gotta go with Steanso's selection. I just can't @#$%ing stand Couric. From my responses, you'd think I watch a lot of Today Show, but I don't. I'm a Diane Sawyer man all the way. Good Moring America, indeed...

The Results:

Paris Hilton got the most responses if you don't count my own regarding Couric. That should come as a surprise to nobody. By this time, 2008, she'll be a footnote, people. If you ignore her, she will go away.

Well, special shout out to Ryan V. for his mournfully poetic response. I could almost feel the quiet desperation.

Reed-o gets a nod for the most random person to dislike, considering it is a disembodied voice. Reed-o hears so many voices in his head, we figured one more wouldn't bug him.

Tamara gets a special "Boo Award". Just imagine me "boo-ing" you. As endeared as I am that you were honest, The League will have no loftiness in it's pages. Instead, we shall now make fun of you for not being a part of the latter-20th Century and refer to you as "Cave-Dweller Tamara". We shall also wonder aloud if Tamara fears other gifts from the her primitive gods such as running water and fire to heat her cave.

I think Maxwell wins for most colorful response. I literally have not been able to see an eHarmony commercial since reading her response and still see that carrot-colored goober the same way again.

Paris, I'm sorry doll... We all applaud how hard you were sort of trying in your megalomaniacal, sociopathic sort of way. If you could just try not to fill up any more space in our collective conscience for, oh, the next fifty years..? Great. Thanks. See you in the obits!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Part Deux

Today Steanso turns 33. I have not yet sent him a present thanks to a weird combination of events and the fact that I have a new policy of refusing to send a present unless I have been given a decent idea of what the presentee might want.

Well, Steanso, your present is now sitting on the floor of my office. You'll get it when I locate a box and get to the post office.

I am sure you will, once again, make the most of another year here on Planet Earth and bring the smallest amount of shame to our family name as you can muster.

I know this year had been frought with challenges. The loss of a job and subsequent selling out for benefits and job security. The loss of Hobbes. The Steanso-v.-Satellite Television battle. Your shameful bout with illiteracy. The restraining order. Your epic battle with E.D.

But you made it through it all with flying colors. And we expect you'll do it all again and with your usual panache.

You're more or less my brother, and while I wouldn't normally claim you, we look enough alike that the resemblance makes it hard to deny any accusations of shared parentage. And so I guess I just want the world to know that, here, on your 33rd Birthday, you're not the total disgrace Mom always insists that you are. And no matter what she says, people can overlook the fact that you smell like an old bag of Doritos.

So Happy Birthday, Steanso. Again, my gift to you is my full support that one day you will, if you're lucky, kiss a girl.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


So do you remember how I was complaining that we've lost our nerve when it comes to discovery, especially in aviation?

Well, Cousin Jim (not to be confused with Jim D.) has inadvertently decided to challenge me on my disappointment in humanity. He, himself, is an aviator, and just today decided to send me some information of a venture he's considering.


This, Leaguers, is exactly the salve to my woes. This was what I needed to see, people with more courage than common sense tearing through the stratosphere.

If Cousin Jim decides this is what he's doing, Leaguers, I will find some way to get involved. I am sending Jim into space with high hopes of bringing him back.

I suggest visiting the website as it also has a contest to name the first Rocket Racer. I submitted "The Bradbury" because I am a nerd.